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How did you know your family was complete?


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I am trying to figure out how other people knew when their family was complete. I am almost 31 and my SO is older than I am. We have two special needs children who are honestly a lot of work. We always said when they turn 5, 7, 9, etc we would have just one more baby.

 

Well every goal was met with..the twins are still so much work, we can wait. Well last year we decided to try again, so I went off my birth control (depo shot) and we were not really trying but not preventing either.

 

Well my sister came to visit with my 9 month old niece in Oct, and I realized just how much work babies really are again and now I feel as though I don't really want another one. I am happy that the twins are finally old enough to do stuff like traveling internationally and I have things I want to do before I grow older also. So I took several weeks and really weighed the pros and cons and decided I am done. SO is fine either way.

 

So how did you know you were done building your family?

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My heart said so. There was no desire or longing for another. Simply, it was gone. I'm sure the fact that I was 40 with my last pregnancy (twins) had a lot to do with it. You know those warm fuzzies you feel when you see a little, adorable baby, and you get to thinking, oh, just one more. I've not had that feeling once since my twins were born.

 

Now when I see a little baby or adorable baby clothes, I think how much fun it will be to have a grandchild. But I'm not even ready for that yet.

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I am trying to figure out how other people knew when their family was complete. I am almost 31 and my SO is older than I am. We have two special needs children who are honestly a lot of work. We always said when they turn 5, 7, 9, etc we would have just one more baby.

 

Well every goal was met with..the twins are still so much work, we can wait. Well last year we decided to try again, so I went off my birth control (depo shot) and we were not really trying but not preventing either.

 

Well my sister came to visit with my 9 month old niece in Oct, and I realized just how much work babies really are again and now I feel as though I don't really want another one. I am happy that the twins are finally old enough to do stuff like traveling internationally and I have things I want to do before I grow older also. So I took several weeks and really weighed the pros and cons and decided I am done. SO is fine either way.

 

So how did you know you were done building your family?

 

No birth control and no pregnancy. Now I'm old enough that pregnancy is extremely unlikely.

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I didn't get pregnant until I was 33, then had miscarriage, baby, miscarriage, baby, with each pregnancy harder than the one before. So, I just felt spent after my youngest was born and we decided to stop with 2.

 

There have been times I wished I'd have started younger and had a larger family, but, mostly, we are quite content with the 2 boys and I rarely get the urge to have more. I love babies, and love being around my friends who have babies, but... I'm kind of a loner, by nature, so as the boys get older and I have more time for myself, the happier I am (my own selfish-self!). :)

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I didn't get pregnant until I was 33, then had miscarriage, baby, miscarriage, baby, with each pregnancy harder than the one before. So, I just felt spent after my youngest was born and we decided to stop with 2.

 

There have been times I wished I'd have started younger and had a larger family, but, mostly, we are quite content with the 2 boys and I rarely get the urge to have more. I love babies, and love being around my friends who have babies, but... I'm kind of a loner, by nature, so as the boys get older and I have more time for myself, the happier I am (my own selfish-self!). :)

 

This is kind of like our story. I actually have one son who was stillborn at 36 weeks in 1998, then have had two miscarriages. Pregnancy is always high risk for me and both times I have ended up on bedrest. I am just not sure I have it in me to endure another long, complicated pregnancy, and deal with the two I already have. Plus I am ashamed to admit this, but I am not sure I want to have to give up some much time dealing with a newborn, when I am happy to sleep all night, and finally shower alone :P

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My heart said so. There was no desire or longing for another. Simply, it was gone.QUOTE]

 

:iagree:

 

 

After number 4 was born, I had had two girls, two boys, two c-sections, two vaginal and I was 34 years old. I was just done.

I told my husband I would raise any he gave birth to, but I was done.

 

I was just thankful the Lord agreed with me.;)

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After my 3rd (with my oldest being 4 years old) I was mentally finished. However, I found that I was very sentimental with ending nursing and all of the milestones that we marked. About 3 years later I got pregnant again. This time the sentimental feelings were gone. I felt extremely blessed but I really felt that I was finished. I was not sad to quit nursing or sad to get rid of the baby things. I felt really blessed and thankful for my family, but did not have any desire to have a baby again :)

I think it is just a feeling that everyone will feel differently.

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We went in to marriage wanting a lot of children - 6 − 8 or so. We had three back to back to back. Then came the years of miscarriages and heartache. It was AWFUL!!!! I finally decided that I needed to be happy with the three that I had and accept the fact that we were probably done.

 

Then, I got pregnant again. I threatened miscarriage that entire pregnancy. It was SO hard emotionally. THAT cured me of any desire for another. But, I am SOOOOO thankful that I got my little princess!!! That desire for another - GONE.

 

I'm so happy now that we can DO things together. We vacation a lot. We do day trips, etc. That would be a lot harder with another one!!!

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We wanted 4 kids. We even got our wish, 2 boys and 2 girls. We felt complete and happy. Then we got pregnant with #5. Definitely not what we had in mind for our life at the time. However, with #5 I finally got my home water birth that I had always wanted. And he was the most easy going baby and has always had a way of charming everyone he meets. Our family is more than complete now. When I see babies, I don't see cute cuddly bundles of love any more. I see sleep deprivation, diaper changes, hours of rocking and comforting and they can't tell you what is wrong, having to work around their schedule and sleep deprivation (yes I know I listed that twice ;) :lol: ) Don't get me wrong, I still oh and aw over other people's babies, I just don't want anymore of my own. ;) I'm happy to finally have mostly big kids now and no infants in the house.

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When I first read this thread I was going to answer that I would never be finished. I love children and would fill my home with foster children if dh felt the same way. He is a little intimidated by children:lol:. But I always felt the desire to have more. We raised 2 ds and 1 dd to adult hood and then began all over again.

However, after thinking about how much I am enjoying raising just one... the freedom of being able to pick up and travel (homeschooling makes this so easy!), the ability to spend more quality time with our dd, I'm thinking we are done. My life just feels so perfect, so complete. Finally. A little selfish, maybe. Or the fact that I'm closer to 60 than to 50, with six gc, one old enough that I'm beginning to think about being a great grandmother:blink: might have something to do with it. Either way, I'm done!

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I thought I was done after three. My third was the hardest of the pregnancies (nothing major, but hard on me), and the birth was hard and fast and intense. He was also an insanely intense baby and only began to mellow when he hit about 4 years old (he's also insanely funny and creative and stubborn and ... I love him to pieces as I do his brothers). All that said ... I thought we were done. I had no longing. I would look at pregnant women with pity. :lol: I was looking forward to sleeping all night (none of mine slept all night until at least 5 years old). And then I got pregnant with Little Bean. We were actively trying to avoid. I have no idea how it happened as I had a huge window of "don't touch me" around my ovulation time. Apparently this one really wanted to join our family. :) It took two months to accept that I was pregnant. I didn't even test until I was almost 10 weeks because I couldn't face the possibility. But now I am excited and loving the fact that we will have a new one. And now I'm not sure if I'm done or not. I'll be almost 40 before my fertility returns after this one is born. I always said I didn't want any after I was 35; I can't imagine being pregnant in my 40's. Dh is talking vasectomy. I just don't know anymore. But, I think we're done. I think this one is the last one ... that I needed time to heal from have three close in age, one of which was needing speech therapy for 2 years, one of which was insanely intense most of his young life so far. I think maybe this one is the one that needed to come to complete our family.

 

I'm not a big one to just say "leave it up to God or the Universe or whatever one believes in" but this pregnancy has taught me that sometimes we just have to trust. I was done. Everyone around me knew I was done. But, sometimes I think maybe we only have so much to say about it ... So maybe at this point in your life you are done, but maybe you aren't fully done forever. Or maybe you are done completely.

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It wasn't our choice.

 

We wanted at least one more, but it never happened. Now, I"m too old. I think it will always be something that gives me a small pang of grief when I think about it.

 

:grouphug:

 

We had two miscarriages, followed by an extremely difficult pregnancy that culminated in an even worse birth. While I was comatose for my daughter's first month, my family and medical team decided that, if I lived, my child-bearing years were over. For a while, I struggled with the desire for more, until the doctor who saved my life asked me whether I thought DH really wanted to be a single dad to two small children. That put things in perspective for me. Now I focus on being grateful for my precious daughter, who is truly a miraculous gift, and that I survived with enough brain cells intact to experience parenting her. Many are far worse off than I. But, like you, my heart still hurts sometimes, particularly when I see stories of neglected or abandoned children. How can people not appreciate the blessing each child is?

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When we both wanted it to be complete. I didn't want to be pregnant anymore, even though I knew that I'd have those wistful tuggings at my heart for more babies. The desire to not be pregnant overshadowed that tugging, honestly--and I still get a little teary when I see babies and know that I'm done. But I don't take that *emotion* as a message from God that I need to have more. lol We prayed about the decision and felt peace about it.

 

I'm not one of those moms who feels energized by pregnancy or babies, though, or has some grander sense of purpose because we have another baby in the house. I love my babies and still get a bit sad that it's over, but I want that phase to end and to enjoy my kids without having a little one needing me all the time. I want to give the most of myself to fewer kids rather than less of me to a ton of kids. LOL

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I come from a large family, and never wanted that many kids of my own. I would have been content to not have had children at all.

 

My husband wanted at least one child, but never pressured me. He came home on R&R one time, and I said if he could knock me up during that window we could have the one kid. Very romantic stuff, huh? Well, he did. So we had the one kid, and we were happy.

 

During his next two deployments he would ask if the deal was still on the table; I always said no, and he never pressured me further. He had the kind of job that made me wonder if he'd come back whole, if at all, and I wasn't up for the task of taking care of more kids without an emotionally and physically healthy father. My eldest and I had a good thing going, and I was very happy. I could tell my husband still felt our family wasn't complete, and it made me sad (for him). On his first night home from that third deployment I told him it was that night, or never. It wasn't really fair because I was starting my monthly bleed any day and he was exhausted from the trip. I told him it was conditional on one thing: pregnant or not, he was going to take permanent birth control measures before the end of the year. He agreed. And knocked me up again despite the timing of my cycle.

 

I knew our family was complete when my desire for no more children was stronger than my desire to sympathize with his desire for a third, fourth, and more. He came from a smaller family and always idealized what a larger family would be like. I feel we met midway, and I was done :)

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We had 3 kids in 3 years and then a year later got pregnant and had a late loss. I didn't think we could have more and became very depressed. A year after the loss I got pregnant. I was paranoid the whole pregnancy. I was convinced something was going to happen. Nothing bad happened and we now have an almost 4 yr old ds. After having ds, I had a tubal b/c pregnancy was risky after that.

I got very sad and baby fever when he was about 2 to 2 1/2. Then I realized that all my children are pretty independent now. Every one can potty. Every one can feed themselves. Every one can get to sleep on their own. They can dress themselves...

I just woke up one day without that feeling of wanting another. Then I was at peace that we can't have any more. I think it took me a bit to get there b/c it was a necessary decision not a willful decision not to have more at first. Once I felt it was my decision I was at peace.

Edited by OpenMinded
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Wow, I am glad to see I am not the only one who feels this way. I am just not a newborn person. Never was, I always felt weird talking to somebody who could not talk back. I didn't really start enjoying my two until they were toddlers. I find that as each year goes by I enjoy them more and more. I just don't want to start all over. I am enjoying being able to get away with out them and with them.

 

I think we always have those heart tugs for more. I know my mom had them long after she could not have any more. But I am now at peace with this decision. I told my mom this and she said "awww, you are growing up" LOL

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I am so ambivalent about this.

 

Realistically speaking, it makes sense for us to close the door. If we were to have another one, I'd want to do it soon because I am 37. But imagining juggling baby/toddler/homeschooler/job makes me faint. I already feel like I'm barely keeping up with my obligations now.

 

Emotionally speaking, I am not ready to close the door. Our kids are so incredibly awesome. How could anyone not want more like this?

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I knew I was done when we were expecting our fourth and the third became extremely ill out of the blue with chronic problems and a liver transplant down the road. That feeling intensified when the fourth was born with an inherited genetic disorder (1 in 4 chance!) that has landed her in the hospital over 30 times. I sometimes feel like I can barely keep everyone in the boat as it is, let alone take a chance on another one!

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Well, I'm almost exactly like you..my twins were born in 2001(yours are about 3 months older)...My husband and I went back and forth for years about having another one. Well, we decided to try and now I'm pregnant. I'm S..C..A..R..E..D..to death! What is getting me through this(besides support from some great friends) is that everyone I've talked to have said that if you have that desire that you will never regret having one but will regret not having one..I'm just holding on to that as I tread through this...

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Emotionally speaking, I am not ready to close the door. Our kids are so incredibly awesome. How could anyone not want more like this?

 

 

:iagree:

 

But... My last pregnancy was seriously complicated and I ended up on bedrest in the hospital for a month. There's at least a 25% chance of that happening again. DH has been chronically underemployed and is now just unemployed. My girls are getting older and there's only a 2 year gap between them, but if we had another one there would be almost a 9 year gap between oldest and youngest, and I just don't want that kind of gap. It's hard, so very hard. But life is just saying no.

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DH said he was done. I wasn't happy. I was really unhappy about it at first. But eventually I realized that his desire to stop was greater than my desire to have another. He felt he'd be a better father if he didn't feel stretched too thin. Thinking about this, I realized I wanted a happy husband who felt capable as a father much more than I wanted another child.

 

I have zero regrets, and I'm confident I won't ever regret stopping at two kids. :D

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When dh and I got married we had discussed babies extensively and agreed that we would have 2 and be done before I turned 40. I was 35 when we got married. I wanted at least two more because I didn't want to have two "only" children. When I had youngest dd I had a c-section and my tubes tied. I've never regretted it although I do sometimes think about the fact that grandchildren may be less than a decade away.

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My dh and I had dogs when we got married. People would show me pictures of their babies, I would show them pictures of huskies. We told people we'd think about having kids in about five years just to keep them off our back about it. God has a sense of humor. In five years ds was a month old. While I enjoyed my child at the baby stage I am so glad he's passed that.

 

Due to complications with my pregnancy, the doctor suggested I not be pregnant again. I agreed.

 

Our family is one and done. I've never felt the urge for more, I don't feel like we're missing anything. Dh feels the same way. Our family is complete.

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I was definitely not a newborn person. I was not a happy pregnant person either. I HATED being pregnant. There wasn't a single thing I liked about it. I am utterly amazed I did it twice.

 

:iagree:except I was only pregnant once. I was a horrible person while pregnant. I always say "We were pregnant" including dh in the we. He bore the brunt of my moods while pregnant, he deserves the credit.

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I have absolutely no desire to birth any more children. If I became pregnant again, I would be happy, but I'm not encouraging that to happen. :D However, I have no such feeling that my family is complete. We are paying off debt and saving money as fast as possible so that we can adopt. I trust that dh and I will just "know" when our quiver is full.

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While my health is part of it (I have serious complications while pregnant), don't career issues affect the decision for anyone else? Dh has always worked incredibly long hours, sometimes 80 hours per week at all hours of the day and night, including the wee hours of the morning, and now we are starting a small business which is taking an insane amount of time and work.

I struggle daily to even handle the chaos of the two I have without much support, and to think about another child in the midst of that craziness makes me want to cry.

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While my health is part of it (I have serious complications while pregnant), don't career issues affect the decision for anyone else?

 

All but one of our kids was born while dh was in the military. I was frequently the sole caregiver with little to no support. The child that was born after he left the military was born while he was a civilian contractor on a year long contract in Iraq. Just me. 5 kids, one of them a newborn. Homeschooling and, for lack of a better term, a single parent. It was just part of the job description to me and not something I really thought about. It was hard at times but even now that dh is always home and never deploys, it's still hard sometimes. I just always take it one day at a time.

 

So I guess the short answer is no, we didn't take into consideration dh's job requirements but I was quite aware that I would be doing most things by myself so it didn't take me by surprise or anything. ;)

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I can only HOPE that one day I will feel "done"! DH and I started late, we married in our late 30's, and I knew I couldn't have biological children. We started working on an adoption after our 1 yr anniversary.

 

Fast forward a few years - we have an almost-9 yr old daughter from Guatemala, a 7 yr old son from Korea, and a just-turned 2 yr old daughter adopted domestically. Considering how lucky I am that I have any children at all (all I ever wanted was to be a loving wife and mother), not to mention my age, you might think I would feel done. DH feels done. But he's such a lovely man, he is willing to go for one more if I really want to.

 

So, I wonder, will I EVER feel done? The original plan (only mine ;-) was to start young and have at least 5, preferably 7 or 8, so truthfully, I would STILL love to have that many.

 

Maybe it will just hit me, after we bring home #4 (hoping!!!). I really do pray it works that way...I don't think I could convince DH to go for #5!

 

Veronica

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Career has played into our thoughts also some. SO works long hours, I work full time. It already feels as though the day is not near long enough.

 

Also, I was on hospital bed rest with the twins for a month, with my first son I was on bedrest for two months, and I vomit the entire pregnancy. All day long. I just can't do that again. lol

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Oh, and it doesn't help when I see a big family of little ones....

 

Last week, we were getting Olivia's 2 yr portraits done, and in walks a mom with FIVE beautiful little children. They were ages 4,3,2,1, and 6 wks.

 

I was sooo envious, it was a bit scary to me! As a teenager, I always said I wanted a dozen kids, so this was how I used to imagine myself one day - but it didn't happen for me :-(

 

I know - I've just got to let it go!

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When I thought that I might have been pregnant again and seriously thought about having an abortion. (which goes against everything I believe in) When you are going to do something you don't believe in, it's time to stop.

 

Mmm. That happened here a few months ago and I have never been so afraid in my life.

 

We agreed to stop at two for financial reasons before we even had kids. We can't afford more. After experiencing the whole pregnancy, childbirth and baby's first year thing, no amount of money could convince us to do it again. They were not happy times and I have no desire to increase my risks factors for diabetes and mental illness, thanks muchly.

 

(I always thought if I were rich I'd go adopt some Kenyan orphans, but I've read enough adoption stories on here to have almost completely cured me of that.)

 

Rosie

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