Your marriage and your money

[jld]

When you and your dh disagree about spending money, who usually prevails? Do you really try to talk it through, or does one person just usually try to avoid the conflict by giving in?

Edited August 4, 2010 by jld

[Danestress]

When you and your dh disagree about spending money, who usually wins? Do you really try to talk it through, or does one person just usually try to avoid the conflict by giving in?

 

Usually. Not always. But neither of us would really enjoy spending money that the other objected to.

[Mrs Mungo]

We seriously sit down and talk it through. It was a lot harder earlier in our marriage (we married young).

[Daisy]

We have a rule in our house. Neither spouse spends more than $50 of undesignated money at one time without permission from the other spouse.

 

In other words, I can spend $50 on groceries and hubby can spend $50 on gas without permission but neither of us can spend $50+ just because we feel like it without authorization from the other spouse.

 

So sometimes, I say, "Hey, jeans are on sale at Kohls and I want to buy a few pair for all of us. It will cost me $60." Hubby says, "Okay," or he says, "Hmm, I was kinda hoping to take us all bowling this week instead." Time to negotiate. I might win and he might win. Just depends on how good the sale is, how badly we need jeans, and how badly he wants to take us bowling.

 

Sometimes, he says, "Hey, I want to spend $100 getting the motorcycle upgraded." I might say, "Okay." I might say, "THIS month?" I might say, "Well, I was really hoping to finally buy the stuff we need to fix the bathroom floor this month." Time to negotiate.

 

And as far as who wins, I don't know, I don't keep score. :tongue_smilie:

[Gooblink]

The only thing we've argued about regarding money is exactly how much of our life savings we're willing to invest in growing a business.

 

So far, I've been losing. :tongue_smilie:

[Audrey]

I take care of the money. He's never asked to buy something without a good reason, so I usually crunch numbers to see if its do-able. If it is, I say 'go for it.' If it isn't, I say 'no dinero' and that's that.

[amy g.]

We never fight about money, but neither of us spends it unless there is agreement.

[jld]

Daisy, I changed "wins" to "prevails" -- is that better?;)

 

And thanks for your response!

[nd293]

I'd say I usually win, although I don't like the word. I manage the finances, so I have a better idea of what we can afford and what we can't.

[Dolphin]

I am with Audrey again. I take care of all the money, it works better that way. For us anyway. DH just is not interested in shopping and spending.

[Mrs Mungo]

To add something to my previous post: DH and I split the money. He has a bill-paying budget (this falls to me when he is gone), I have a household spending budget, then there is what's left-for savings, big purchases, pay something off/ahead, etc. We both have some spending money, I think that helps ease things a lot for us.

[Tap]

Dh and I both work, have separate accounts and separate responsibilities financially.

 

I pay my bills and I pay my credit card off every month. If I spend over what I make, dh covers it. No biggie. When I am off work due to my back, he covers my bills and cc.

 

He pays all the household bills except daycare, which I pay. I pay for all the kids classes, and variable, optional expenses.

 

He rarely spends money on himself, so sometimes I have to tell him to spend money on something he wants or he will just keep drooling over it. He doesn't ask me, but sometimes it is like he needs permission to not put the money into our retirement or what ever he would have done with the extra money that month.

 

I don't think we have ever argued about money. Ever. We have always done our bills the same way. I have mine, he has his. We don't ask each other to spend money. I guess if I was buying something over a $1000 I may mention it to him, but only in the sense that if I lost my job, I wouldn't have the money to cover it when my cc bill came in.

[LibraryLover]

I don't think we have ever disagreed about money. Neither one of us likes stuff...we aren't gadget people. We don't impulse shop. We have never shopped as recreation and I can't think of the last time my dh was in a mall.

 

*But*. We both agree that we want the kids to have experiences. We want to nurture their passions and gifts, so most of our money goes to that....sometimes it would be better if one of us weren't so interested in the kids' experiences. We were all obviously made for each other. ;)

Edited August 4, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Rosie_0801]

Neither of us are frivolous spenders but neither of us go out spending large quantities without discussing it. We don't have enough money to have that luxury :D They tend not to be win or lose situations. It's either a matter of deciding when would be appropriate to purchase, or to have the other partner agree that we shouldn't be doing it at all. Not that we didn't know that already, but willpower is less uncomfortable when combined :)

 

So, spending isn't much of an issue, but saving is and now dh has a proper job that we expect to be permanent, I've had to lay down the law. We've had one of Those Conversations two or three times during our relationship, but he's been the one with the cash, so I've given way to his lack of savings plan. After 8 years, two kids and with a proper job, though, he was starting to think the way I have been thinking, so was more receptive to my insistence. He's a poor guy with a rich boy's attitude to money, so I will probably have to keep on him about it.

 

Rosie

[HRAAB]

I can't remember ever having a major disagreement about money. We usually are on the same page; if not, we discuss it and come to a compromise. Dh pays all the bills out of his checking account. I run the household out of mine. That works the best for us. Everything else we both would have to agree to, or it would be suspended until we came to an agreement.

[Mommyof4ks]

We set aside X amount each month for us to spend on whatever we want. I pay the bills, buy the necessities, and then I can go do what I want with the amount set aside. I am saving up for an Ipad now, but I have used it for some clothes that I wanted but did not need, and he has purchased hunting stuff that he does not need lol.

[Lovedtodeath]

We have a rule in our house. Neither spouse spends more than $50 of undesignated money at one time without permission from the other spouse.

 

In other words, I can spend $50 on groceries and hubby can spend $50 on gas without permission but neither of us can spend $50+ just because we feel like it without authorization from the other spouse.

 

So sometimes, I say, "Hey, jeans are on sale at Kohls and I want to buy a few pair for all of us. It will cost me $60." Hubby says, "Okay," or he says, "Hmm, I was kinda hoping to take us all bowling this week instead." Time to negotiate. I might win and he might win. Just depends on how good the sale is, how badly we need jeans, and how badly he wants to take us bowling.

 

Sometimes, he says, "Hey, I want to spend $100 getting the motorcycle upgraded." I might say, "Okay." I might say, "THIS month?" I might say, "Well, I was really hoping to finally buy the stuff we need to fix the bathroom floor this month." Time to negotiate.

 

And as far as who wins, I don't know, I don't keep score. :tongue_smilie:

That is how we do it too. We are both very thrifty so it isn't much of an issue normally... but in the end, I usually win. :D

[RoughCollie]

.

Edited August 4, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Food4Thought]

We have a rule in our house. Neither spouse spends more than $50 of undesignated money at one time without permission from the other spouse.

 

 

We operate under a similar rule. I'm the thrifty number-cruncher, DH is the spender. Sometimes, I win by my overwhelming logic (and the fact that we have *zero* debt and want to keep it that way). Sometimes he wins by sheer persistence. But we always talk it through together until we agree. We play passive-aggressive with other things, but not with money.

 

I'm glad we're opposites - he gets me to buy fun stuff I wouldn't normally buy. I'd be one of those misers eating gruel 3 meals a day with a million dollars stuffed in a mattress. He'd be in a gutter somewhere, holding a cardboard sign. :tongue_smilie:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I handle all the bills and expenses around the house. Since I don't work, dh's paycheck is direct deposited into a joint account, then I write him a check for his personal checking account. That way, he can spend what he wants of that money without messing up the household finances. He usually doesn't have a problem with anything I choose to spend money on, because I don't spend frivolously, but if I'm going to spend over $200.00 on something, I usually run it by him first. He rarely says anything other than, "Whatever you think is best." Sometimes it's annoying and I rather him have a discussion about it, but mostly I like that he just goes along with what I think. :tongue_smilie:

[mhg]

Well we are both extremely thrifty, so money usually isn't an issue. If there is a big purchase, we will discuss it. Since that happens so infrequently, we both know that it is something we can afford at the time. If not, we wouldn't be discussing it.

 

:iagree:

 

We usually agree, but when we don't and are at loggerheads :banghead: ---then he wins 80% of the time (he's an CMA accountant, the sole breadwinner, and he's always operating out of good motives). He has never asked me to do without something so HE could get something HE wanted. Since he's so good/fair, it's fairly easy to swallow.

Edited August 4, 2010 by mhg

[QueenCat]

I really can't remember the last time we didn't see eye to eye on something. I manage our day to day finances, he manages our retirement and kids college accounts. We each get $50/week that is "play" money, no need to justify. For lunches out, whatever, for unbudgeted items. To charge something over $100, that isn't budgeted and isn't an emergency, he checks with me to make sure he shouldn't wait, since I'm the one who knows the current picture best. We discuss about once a month upcoming things.

[Peela]

We have different areas of financial responsibility, and since i have a smaller income, he tends to pay for the "big things" like rent, cars, major bills, plus the weekly etc. I pay for day to day stuff for the kids and everything homeschool related, plus clothes, and all my personal things. It seems to work ok.

Yes we do argue, and yes, dh often prevails. It is usually when he wants to buy a car. Another car. (or a motor bike , sigh) So far, I have managed to get a family trip to Bali and a great kitchen appliance called a Thermomix, as compensation for two unreasonable car purchases :)

[KidsHappen]

Whoever spends the money first wins. I am the bill payer and household budget planner so I manage most of the money but my hubby has credit cards so he can sometimes override me by using credit and then I have to pay the bills. I don't complain much since he makes all the money though.

[AngieC]

I don't think we have ever disagreed about money. Neither one of us likes stuff...we aren't gadget people. We don't impulse shop. We have never shopped as recreation and I can't think of the last time my dh was in a mall.

 

*But*. We both agree that we want the kids to have experiences. We want to nurture their passions and gifts, so most of our money goes to that....sometimes it would be better if one of us weren't so interested in the kids' experiences. We were all obviously made for each other. ;)

 

This is my husband and I, though I wouldn't go as far as saying we don't like "stuff", more just that we prioritize the kids' experiences over any stuff we could by and in the end, something has to give (and it's always the "stuff").

[Harry Nelson in Charlotte]

We have three separate accounts. This works GREAT for us.

 

1) Joint acct that my wife uses to buy all things that are her responsibility. We direct deposit a specific amount each payday for this account, and she uses it to buy things like food, gas for the van, a clothing item here or there. misc. kids things as they come up. This gives her a little "breathing room" to be able to do fun things, save here or there, in order to do something bigger, take the kids out to lunch, etc.

 

2) Joint acct that I use for my personal expenses. This acct also gets direct deposited a certain finite amount each payday. I use it for my gas; I drop by the grocery store sometimes just to pick up one or two things. My lunch when I go out, dry cleaning, etc.

 

3) The Household acct gets all the extra. I manage this account, and it pays all the bills, tithe, and has enabled us to save more over time, since the extra doesn't really have a purpose. Big clothes trips, Homeschool curriculum buying, vacations, etc. come out of this account.

 

We switched to this several years ago, and it has been WONDERFUL.

[NanceXToo]

Hm. You know, I'd say it's pretty equal. We've both "gotten our way" depending on how adamant/serious someone was/how important it was to them to go one way or another. We've both had our share of giving in and backing down.

 

Not that it comes up very often to begin with!

[KellyinPA]

It's only been in recent years that we had any money left over to discuss! For most of our marriage every penny was counted for and then some. Now that we have a little more breathing room (praise the Lord!) we talk about what we'd like to do with it, home stuff mostly. Neither of us would spend over $50 of unbudgeted money without discussing it first.

 

I do all the accounting but I keep him posted on where we are and what's coming up, etc. We've never had any disagreements about where our money goes, some stressful times though when there wasn't "enough".

[Renee in NC]

When you and your dh disagree about spending money, who usually prevails? Do you really try to talk it through, or does one person just usually try to avoid the conflict by giving in?

 

I prevail, but that is because he gave me authority over that area, KWIM? He knows that if there is something he wants that I will do everything in my power if it is possible to make it happen. This is also because he refuses to talk about money at all other than to say, "Do we have money for x, y, z?"

[cmarango]

We have 3 joint accounts: one for him, one for me, and one for non-personal expenses (eg. Food, gas, clothes, etc). The only thing that we really disagree on is how much of our money should be in equities since he is very risk adverse. I take this into account when I am rebalancing our portfolios and am a bit more conservative than I would otherwise be. However, I have the finally say in all purchases (except those that he makes with money from his own account) since I manage our money.

[SailorMom]

Oh, wow... I feel like an anomaly on this one....

DH and I married very young (18 and 19). We both worked until we had kids, then I started staying home. I am uber-thrifty, he is the exact opposite. However - we have a great credit rating, and have never had late payments, etc.

We fought about money ALL THE TIME. I rarely won. It was a HUGE source of friction in our marriage. One day, I realized that I was seeing the same thing that my parents had done at about the same point in thier marriage (which ended badly). I decided that my marriage was more important than any amount of financial control.

We are pretty equal when it comes to things. We each have our area expertise, but agree on pretty much everything except money. I do not agree with the idea of a wife "submitting" to a husband. However - I sat him down and told him that from there on out, the finances were his. I expected to be able to purchase reasonable items (curriculum, food, kids' clothes, etc) and the money needed to be there (we make plenty for that - our only struggles come from excessive spending, not lack of income). I also told him I would never do the bills again - not even when he deployed to a foreign country. Either he started doing it my way, or it was all his - every bit ofit.

That was three years ago, and we are doing so much better. There are still times when I cringe, or make a comment about a purchase, but we no longer let it tear us apart, and have a much happier, stronger relationship.

Anyway - it took 14 years to figure that out, and it was a difficult decision (i'm kinda a control freak), but it is working well for us.

[Night Elf]

When you and your dh disagree about spending money, who usually prevails? Do you really try to talk it through, or does one person just usually try to avoid the conflict by giving in?

 

Sometimes we just let the other person win, just because it feels okay. But we compromise if we seriously disagree. We both had previous marriages and learned many things, one of which is that we don't argue about money.

[Tutor]

I take care of the money. He's never asked to buy something without a good reason, so I usually crunch numbers to see if its do-able. If it is, I say 'go for it.' If it isn't, I say 'no dinero' and that's that.

 

Ditto here.

[kalanamak]

He is usually thrifty, but after some bad impulse-buys, I required a daily log for a few months. He has been prudent since. He hated those logs. Now if he wants some boy toy, he does some work for someone to get some mad money.

 

He understands I'm stuffing his retirement accounts as fat as I can (and mine), and that he is, for the first time in his life, without month to month money worries, so he "plays my game". He's not always sure why, but he knows I'm better with money, figures, planning, and delayed gratification, so he follows my lead.

 

My ex-husband initially pitched a fit about me managing our money (we both worked), so I got out my Personal Finance for Dummies and asked him to read it before we argued further. (His dad had always "done" his money.)

 

Five minutes into it he came back, tossed it in my lap, and said "okay, you do the money" (I had read it, made notes, and gone over the book with my money-smart Dad, who'd put notes in it as well.) When we divorced, his dad took over managing his money again. If I were vengeful, I'd be pleased he invested heavily in rentals at the peak of the housing boom, but I am not, so I'm sorry he did.

[justamouse]

Hammer it out. Pain and all. Mine will have to be sitting on a few million to spend without pain, but when I know that having it will make our lives easier and that it's an investment in the long run, I'll do it (recently, two new refrigerators and the toilets are all going to have to be redone. Town water. We pay for those leaks now.) We both have to agree on investments (I refuse to invest in funds that include Monsanto, for instance).

Edited August 5, 2010 by justamouse

[TxMama]

We agreed before we married that we would both have to agree on a purchase over x amount. So the person who wants to make the purchase has to sell the idea to the other. No arguments allowed! Our latest conversation went something like this....

 

DH, "Some guys at church are wanting to start a riding club."

 

Me- "Nope."

 

End of conversation. Although he has been talking a lot about motorcycles lately he hasn't brought up buying one again. :lol:

[katemary63]

We never fight about money, but neither of us spends it unless there is agreement.

 

:iagree: I also second what someone else said. The one who doesn't want to spend wins.

[Lovedtodeath]

Oh, wow... I feel like an anomaly on this one....

DH and I married very young (18 and 19). We both worked until we had kids, then I started staying home. I am uber-thrifty, he is the exact opposite. However - we have a great credit rating, and have never had late payments, etc.

We fought about money ALL THE TIME. I rarely won. It was a HUGE source of friction in our marriage. One day, I realized that I was seeing the same thing that my parents had done at about the same point in thier marriage (which ended badly). I decided that my marriage was more important than any amount of financial control.

We are pretty equal when it comes to things. We each have our area expertise, but agree on pretty much everything except money. I do not agree with the idea of a wife "submitting" to a husband. However - I sat him down and told him that from there on out, the finances were his. I expected to be able to purchase reasonable items (curriculum, food, kids' clothes, etc) and the money needed to be there (we make plenty for that - our only struggles come from excessive spending, not lack of income). I also told him I would never do the bills again - not even when he deployed to a foreign country. Either he started doing it my way, or it was all his - every bit ofit.

That was three years ago, and we are doing so much better. There are still times when I cringe, or make a comment about a purchase, but we no longer let it tear us apart, and have a much happier, stronger relationship.

Anyway - it took 14 years to figure that out, and it was a difficult decision (i'm kinda a control freak), but it is working well for us.

See I could do this only after DH met some stipulation... like going to a Dave Ramsey class or something.

[mycalling]

DH doesn't care what I spend or when. I plan and wait until we have extra, all the while informing DH we need X, Y, or Z, so when I say I think it's time to buy it, he doesn't care. ...He actually wouldn't care if we didn't have extra money...which is why he always asks me before spending money. He knows I keep track and know what we have left and what's in the plans financially.