Overwhelmed.

[Aubrey]

So last month I was finishing up plans for mil's 60th. Y'all remember invitations not going out on time, bil not knowing about the event in time & not being able to be there, etc. Someone missed the "surprise" part & spilled the beans. I had to coordinate food & time, etc w/ dh's aunt, who hosted. It was all good, but very...nervous-making. Lots of people to not disappoint, step on toes, etc.

 

(For ex, aunt & I agreed on date for party, but I forgot to check the time w/ her before ordering invitations. It was a basic party time, but I still should have checked first. She was completely fine w/ it, so helpful, but I was panicked about having been so thoughtless.)

 

Dh's cousins had a baby in the hospital. I really wanted to be there for them far more than we were. Dh took them a meal & some magazines, etc., but he only went once. I cooked a couple of other meals for them, but we ended up eating them ourselves because he didn't make it over there again.

 

They were so sweet & appreciative of the one trip, but esp since I *told* them we'd come again, I felt SO BAD that we didn't. Their baby has so many health issues, may be dying, & I let my small life problems get in the way of helping more, of *feeling* for them more. Ugh. I feel like a terrible person.

 

My best friend had baby #5 in the middle of all this. Another girl at church emailed some of us about putting together a shower, & we just didn't get it done. Partly, bf didn't care one way or another about a shower, since it was #5, but we wanted to at least get a couple of close friends together for her. Her dh works funny hours, though, her mom came to town, & really? We just didn't get it done.

 

I went to see her baby in the hospital, though, organized meals, & kept her kids a bit. I hope it was helpful, but...I just wasn't as fully *there* as I felt like I needed to be, kwim?

 

And in the middle of all that, there was a lice outbreak at church. The family w/ the lice wouldn't treat it & wouldn't take their kids home, & leadership is murky in that area, so there was poor communication & a lot of time lapse before it was solved...I'm only guessing that it is now. But that means we haven't been to church all summer. I feel guilty.

 

Then mom, in another state, had shoulder surgery. She was really scared & worried about not having anyone to care for her, but when I offered to come, she said her dr said no littles in the house. So she got a friend to stay w/ her, who ended up bringing her 3yo, locking up mom's pain med, & eating mom's easy-after-surgery-food but not brining replacements. She took mom to the dr for her post-op appt & didn't pick her up!

 

So about two weeks ago, bf w/ new baby finds out her dh got a job in another state. Someone else organized meals for her that picked up when the church's dropped off, which was good. But this person is like a sister to me, so I feel like I need to be over there cleaning, packing, babysitting. And her dc have been over here in pairs every day this week & part of last week, but that's more so our dc can soak ea other up before she goes.

 

I feel helpless to help her. She's having bf'ing problems, lots of dr appts for herself, baby, & other dc, just by coincidence. Baby doesn't sleep at all. Dh works a night shift. And when we've gone over, it's been at my littles' nap time, so they flip, & we have to leave. Ok, taht was only once. Yesterday we were over there all day & I think I might have helped. Sorting out kid fights, holding baby who doesn't want to be put down, bringing good snacks to kids. (They were supposed to leave yesterday AM, so they were out of ready food.)

 

I've had maybe two really close friends in my life, & this is by far the closer of the two. I find myself laying in bed at night, listing all the things I don't like about her, & I know it's just my brain's ridiculous way of coping. And just realizing that makes my throat close up w/ the sadness of losing her.

 

So the kids have been doing nothing but playing & hurting that their friends are moving. Ds is so much like me, & he's losing his "best friend." And I'm the one who has to parent him thr it most of the time. I'm the one who has to say, "There will be other friends." I do believe myself for him, but not for me, lol.

 

I've gained 10lb thr all of this, so now I weigh *more* than I did a yr after my dad died, when I was so depressed I just ate & ate & ate. (Very sudden & early loss, traumatic family circumstances.)

 

I'm so introverted I think I might need pills, & I've spent the last two months doing nothing but being around people. Besides that, everyone who sees me thinks I'm pregnant, which gives me double reason to hide from them & makes the last two months doubly hard. At the end of June, I thought, "Whew. It's over." Now bf is moving, & I'm thinking, "August. In August, things will get smoother."

 

And bil just got engaged. Well, he bought a ring. He hasn't proposed yet because she wants it on film. So we just got an evite to their engagement. At the end of July. I knew it was coming, but I thought I'd have a bit longer. I didn't think they'd really do the public proposal.

 

Sigh. So the 12-18 mos of formal photo ops begins now. Although mil describes this girl as "down to earth," she reminds me more of the god-ess in French Kiss. Besides the Barbie proportions, perfect smile, skin, etc., her parents are wealthy & she's a teacher. So I foresee about a dozen bridal showers, a formal "meet the other family" dinner, probably even a filmed "going to get your tuxes together." I foresee 2.5 dc, sports, ps--everything my ils love & understand.

 

Efforts to accept the weird circumferentially challenged dil will no longer be necessary. ;) I'm the spoiled only dil right now, & I like it that way. No other girls in the family except mil. Now? Even after the wedding, mil will plan girls' days/nights for all 3 of us to go to dinner & a movie & other uncomfortable things like that. I don't know how I know, & I could be wrong, but I'm a Pessimist w/ regard to things like this.

 

I'm thinking of re-applying to Malaysia, this time begging them to hire dh & me, telling them all the skills I didn't mention before.

 

Oh, & I forgot to mention. We went blueberry picking last mo. We used to do this every yr, but there have been a couple of bad crops & a couple of new babies (for us), so it's been a while. Dh took the day off, we picked blueberries, drove thr my hometown, my grand dad's grave, the places dh & I met, had our first "date", etc.

 

When we got home, I burst into tears. It was his first day off since starting seminary. I finally told him I can't take it any more & that I'll never be a pastor's wife. (Not refusing to be but saying that I'd be terrible at it--look at what this half a summer has done to me--I'm a puddle!)

 

So he's applied to another school, to get teacher cert, etc. He finished his BA w/...whatever the highest honors are. Magna, summa, I forget. They invited him back to do a phd, so after getting certified, he might work slowly toward that. Unless they offer him huge scholarships or something. But instead of 4 more yrs of seminary uncertainty followed by long hrs at a church where people can randomly, subjectively decide they don't like something & fire you, he'll be taking 5 classes online & teaching in a yr. Modest income that's more than he's ever made in his life & more than twice what we've made in the best yrs in seminary. With paid time off.

 

Sounds like no big deal, maybe. Sounds logical, perhaps. But it's absolutely crushing for both of us. For him, a dream has died. For me, I know I killed it. Things are ok between us, but the pain is palpable, & we can't talk about it. We've had to avoid conversations of much substance for a while, because he processes feelings in a lonely way.

 

So...Malaysia's looking pretty good, huh?

Edited July 15, 2010 by Aubrey

[Remudamom]

I can't even answer you right now because we're on vacation, but I'm praying for you. Bless your heart.

[Terabith]

:grouphug:

 

Of course you are overwhelmed! That is a lot of *personal* stress. Lots of loss of friends; lots of pressure to do things, lots of guilt.

 

FWIW, I don't think pastor's wives have as much obligation any more to be a certain way. And it is different when it is people that you love, and YOU are grieving with as well. Not as objective. Of course you are overwhelmed! EVERYONE would be. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I have personally found medication to be helpful. But this sounds like a terrible summer. Your husband has only had one day off in years???? I think anyone would be a mess. :grouphug: Dunno if it will do any good as I am a terrible pray-er, but I will pray for you and your family.

[Starr]

Oh baby girl :grouphug::grouphug: Life is really hard. When it gets like that I just want it to stop for 6 weeks so I can catch my breath and it doesn't happen. So :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

[Aubrey]

:grouphug:

 

Of course you are overwhelmed! That is a lot of *personal* stress. Lots of loss of friends; lots of pressure to do things, lots of guilt.

 

FWIW, I don't think pastor's wives have as much obligation any more to be a certain way. And it is different when it is people that you love, and YOU are grieving with as well. Not as objective. Of course you are overwhelmed! EVERYONE would be. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I have personally found medication to be helpful. But this sounds like a terrible summer. Your husband has only had one day off in years???? I think anyone would be a mess. :grouphug: Dunno if it will do any good as I am a terrible pray-er, but I will pray for you and your family.

 

Medication? I'm in an allergy fog, & I keep forgetting to take allergy meds, but I doubt that's what you mean. What kind do I need? :lol:

 

Dh hasn't had a paid day off in yrs. He's been in seminary working $10/hr jobs & less, so he's been *home* from time to time, but mainly because he was unemployed. Not for happy reasons. It's gotten to where, if a holiday falls on a weekend, he's forgotten that people even get a day off for that. He couldn't figure out why his job asked if he was going to work the Mon after the 4th this mo, lol.

 

He's been working way too hard, feeling way too much, trying to be a good dh, good dad, good student, & get/keep a decent job, & the result a lot of the time has been disaster in all areas. So, yeah, he has this idea that if he just works harder, doesn't take time off, skips meals, etc., he can do anything. He tries to make sure he's the one suffering & no one else, ever. It's a pattern of work & boundarylessness & stuff like that that is very foreboding for ministry.

 

Anyway, I don't know how anyone can not be a good pray-er. You're sweet, & I appreciate your prayers & know that God hears them. Boardie prayers have done more to convince me of God's ears than anything.

[AprilTN]

You've had alot of stress, no doubt. I got a little stressed just reading about it.

 

But I recognize something in your post, and that is that according to your words, you seem to feel guilty over all of the issues around you. If you could target that guilt and work on eliminating or reducing it, many of these issues would be so much easier to bear.

 

The party for your MIL was very thoughtFUL.

 

Your cousin that had the baby in the hospital appreciated your concern, your visit, your prayers, your food.

 

Your best friend had baby #5. I'm sure she doesn't expect a shower. You helped tremendously by organizing meals and helping out with the kids. It means alot just to have someone that you can trust to keep your kids when you need it. And some of her problems that she is experiencing are just that--HER problems. You can't fix them all. Just help as you can and then let it go.

 

And yes, the whole bil thing is probably just more annoying than stressful. At a time in your life when you are loaded down with responsibilities and realities, this couple is enjoying a really fun time in their lives. Try to find the good in this girl, and just embrace it. Otherwise, it will drive you nuts! Just laugh with your dh at all the unnecessary things they do (such as video recording their engagement, sorry to those that may have done that, I just think it's strange), but then just let it go. Let them have their fun, because there have been times when I've been down and out, and I recall the early days of our marriage and it brings me joy. Be kind and sweet to her, and you never know, she may not be all that she seems on the outside.

 

Enjoy dh's new job, better salary and hours. I promise you, if you are happy with it, he will be much more likely to be happy with it. And your life isn't over, there may be a ministry opportunity in the future that God is preparing for you, and it will be something that will appeal to you.

 

Hang in there! :grouphug:

[Terabith]

Well, allergy fog can do a number on you too. But if the introversion is an ongoing *problem*, it might not just be introversion, if that makes any sense. I don't mean introversion is a disorder at all, but if it is anxiety manifesting that way, that might be an issue. I just meant that medication might be something to consider if you are feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time. However, it sounds like you have a LOT to be overwhelmed about. :grouphug:

[Kimber]

I'm so sorry, but I'm sure that the people who love you understand without you having to say a word.

 

I'll pray for you. And please don't be so hard on yourself. Marriage is give and take. And seminary can still be an option, if you guys decide that. You guys are young.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: You have every right to feel overwhelmed. My AC is out in my car and as is our central AC in the house. We've been trying to cool the house with one nice window unit in the humid heat of the south. As I started on my pity party the other day I thought of you, last year in the apartment with the non-working AC. I realized if you could handle it, maybe I could gut it up for a couple more months. I hope you ARE cool this summer.

 

The only thing we can do is live today. We can plan tomorrow all we want, but we can't live there, kwim. I keep thinking of the theme song to the show "One Day at a Time". I think it's because Valerie Bertinelli is on the cover the AARP magazine this month. Somewhere in my mind she isn't old enough to be on the cover of a magazine designed for seniors. :glare:

 

I don't know if this is encouragement, commiseration, or what. But :grouphug:

[The Girls' Mom]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Praying for you. It IS stressful. But I agree with a PP who said to let go of some of the guilt. You are a mother of young children, with a very busy husband. Your mission work right now is being a Godly mom to your kids and support to your husband. Other things will come at a different time in your life..when your kids are older, and you aren't being pulled in more directions than you can count. Maybe dh's new job is God's way of telling you that this is your time to focus on your family...ministry can come later.

 

Losing a friend is hard too. Try to reach out and make new ones that can understand your life right now. Just that support alone can make a world of difference. :grouphug:

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[Lawana]

Aubrey,

First, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

(Said very gently) You're young─and your expectations of yourself are high. Too high. The thing that often comes with age is acceptance─in this case that you can't be the one to do everything, take care of everyone else all the time. I know what it is like to watch high achieving, energetic people buzz around and do, do, do until *you* get tired just watching, and knowing that what you need and desire is down time, and space, and yet somehow expecting yourself to keep up with those doers. Sometimes it just takes time to accept yourself for who you are.

[mommy4ever]

OUCH! Stress for sure!

 

Sorry it's so overwhelming.

 

Here's a thought.... perhaps teaching can lead to a ministry nonetheless?

 

My uncle spent 3 years teaching in Africa, with 4 of his kids and wife, the other 2 came later..lol. But they loved it. He found what he'd been meant to do. Being Catholic, married, seminary didn't work for him, but he still had a calling to fulfill . He found it in teaching.

 

A girlfriend found hers teaching inner city kids.

[Aubrey]

Well, allergy fog can do a number on you too. But if the introversion is an ongoing *problem*, it might not just be introversion, if that makes any sense. I don't mean introversion is a disorder at all, but if it is anxiety manifesting that way, that might be an issue. I just meant that medication might be something to consider if you are feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time. However, it sounds like you have a LOT to be overwhelmed about. :grouphug:

 

Oh, duh. I forgot I'd posted that like that. Well, we don't have ins right now, but that's one of the reasons seminary has been hard. I would like to consider seeing a dr, & dh is afraid I'm at the point that I couldn't work anyway. I think work is different from personal life, & I handle it better, but still. :tongue_smilie:

[Aubrey]

OUCH! Stress for sure!

 

Sorry it's so overwhelming.

 

Here's a thought.... perhaps teaching can lead to a ministry nonetheless?

 

My uncle spent 3 years teaching in Africa, with 4 of his kids and wife, the other 2 came later..lol. But they loved it. He found what he'd been meant to do. Being Catholic, married, seminary didn't work for him, but he still had a calling to fulfill . He found it in teaching.

 

A girlfriend found hers teaching inner city kids.

 

I know. *I* don't want to do ministry at all, ever, at this point, but I realize w/ time that could change. Dh isn't ready to hear that there could be another path yet. He felt called to seminary, felt that *now* was the time, felt a lot of things. It's hard for him to come to terms w/ anything different.

 

He was trying to decide between getting some kind of computer cert (there's a lot he knows but doesn't have documented) or teaching. I was glad when he chose the latter, hard as it may be, because it's still close to who he is & may still lead back around to where he wants to be but is perhaps more conducive to the season of life we're in.

[Aubrey]

Aubrey,

First, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

(Said very gently) You're young─and your expectations of yourself are high. Too high. The thing that often comes with age is acceptance─in this case that you can't be the one to do everything, take care of everyone else all the time. I know what it is like to watch high achieving, energetic people buzz around and do, do, do until *you* get tired just watching, and knowing that what you need and desire is down time, and space, and yet somehow expecting yourself to keep up with those doers. Sometimes it just takes time to accept yourself for who you are.

 

I don't know how to stop. I don't know who to disappoint. For many of the people I've listed, we're the only ones they contact, ask for help, confide in, etc. I've been the "grown up" in my family for a long, long time. Really...there hasn't been another one for several generations back.

 

Did I mention that my bro's been going thr a divorce, too? And again, dh & I are the only ones he'll talk to. :tongue_smilie:

 

It's nobody's fault that everybody's lives are colliding this summer. I can't ask bil to fall in love later or friend to just stay pg for another few mos, lol. Mil might have considered holding off on turning 60, but she told me later that this was the first birthday she'd really dreaded. She was able to spend it with lifelong friends, singing favorite songs, & feeling so loved.

 

I've thought about checking myself into an alcohol rehab place, though. For a vacation & an excuse & a hideout. Think how nice the people there would be when they saw how easily I "quit." And family would be so shocked they wouldn't dare ask me to be at any weddings, etc. :lol: (Ok, in case it's not clear that I'm joking, I barely drink at all.)

[Lawana]

I don't know how to stop. I don't know who to disappoint. For many of the people I've listed, we're the only ones they contact, ask for help, confide in, etc. I've been the "grown up" in my family for a long, long time. Really...there hasn't been another one for several generations back.

See, that's just it. Why is this the case?

Did I mention that my bro's been going thr a divorce, too? And again, dh & I are the only ones he'll talk to. :tongue_smilie:

 

It's nobody's fault that everybody's lives are colliding this summer. I can't ask bil to fall in love later or friend to just stay pg for another few mos, lol. Mil might have considered holding off on turning 60, but she told me later that this was the first birthday she'd really dreaded. She was able to spend it with lifelong friends, singing favorite songs, & feeling so loved.

 

I've thought about checking myself into an alcohol rehab place, though. For a vacation & an excuse & a hideout. Think how nice the people there would be when they saw how easily I "quit." And family would be so shocked they wouldn't dare ask me to be at any weddings, etc. :lol: (Ok, in case it's not clear that I'm joking, I barely drink at all.)

That is just precious─can I join you???

[Liz CA]

Yes, Aubrey. There is no need to feel guilty. You are probably a care-taker and giver by nature but in this season of life - with little ones and dh at a crossroad - you cannot give as much of yourself as you want to.

 

I too was feeling overwhelmed when I read your post. If you are a list maker, make a list and put down 3-5 top priorities for your life right now. This is all you can handle now and it may make you realize that you are accomplishing a lot instead of constantly feeling you are running behind.

 

:)

[Aubrey]

See, that's just it. Why is this the case?

 

That is just precious─can I join you???

 

Why? A lot of abuse issues in my family breed codependency, distrust, & also other strange issues that you don't just talk to anyone about. It makes making friends hard, too, so even ordinary issues have a limited range of ears.

 

Dh's family isn't that way, but they're Scottish. VERY clan-oriented, loyal, family-centered. And friends easily become part of the family. And they're extroverted & like parties & getting together. So...there have been...3 parties in the last 2 mos, I believe, that we HAD to be at? Also, we have almost the only g'kids, & we represent an age bracket that, apparently, is important to fill. Whatever that means.

 

A relatively random cousin had a post-wedding "shower" party thing (due to lack of time for family shower before wedding). Mil actually called me ahead of time to make sure we'd be able to attend on the date selected. If not, they were going to work w/ OUR schedule. Sounds nice, but it means there's no way out of that event. Which is cool if it's one of four/yr or so.

 

I don't even talk to my grandparents any more. Too many other places suck too much from me, & I just can't handle it. I feel guilty to even look at my dad's mom because I know every time she talks to me she cries. I remind her too much of my dad.

 

Yeah, lots of guilt. I have NO idea how to stop that, though, so it just IS.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Aubrey

[Aubrey]

Yes, Aubrey. There is no need to feel guilty. You are probably a care-taker and giver by nature but in this season of life - with little ones and dh at a crossroad - you cannot give as much of yourself as you want to.

 

I too was feeling overwhelmed when I read your post. If you are a list maker, make a list and put down 3-5 top priorities for your life right now. This is all you can handle now and it may make you realize that you are accomplishing a lot instead of constantly feeling you are running behind.

 

:)

 

Nope. I'm NOT a giver/nurturer, lol. Makes it *extra* hard to deal w/ all this.

 

Anyway, 3-5 priorities? How. do. I. say. NO to weddings, deaths, divorces?

[newbie]

I like the alcohol rehab idea, do they have two for one specials. It will be like a spa.

 

I always sing "They're coming to take me away , ha, ha, hee , hee to the funny farm where life is beautiful all day long...."

 

Punkin, its taking me forty some odd years to say no. Of course, now I am the wicked witch of the west , soon to be east. Also, the cruddy thing when you make those borders they bite you in the butt. Especially when you need help like moving or kid watching or painting. Than dh says , see I told you to be nice. I feel bad, but still its worse to fall in the obligatory traps. I am getting too old and crotchety.

 

Just know, I am here for ya, and you never have to come over and bring me meals or take care of my kids, aaaaah I love my virtual friends.

 

Lots of hugs sweetie.

[Aubrey]

I like the alcohol rehab idea, do they have two for one specials. It will be like a spa.

 

I always sing "They're coming to take me away , ha, ha, hee , hee to the funny farm where life is beautiful all day long...."

 

Punkin, its taking me forty some odd years to say no. Of course, now I am the wicked witch of the west , soon to be east. Also, the cruddy thing when you make those borders they bite you in the butt. Especially when you need help like moving or kid watching or painting. Than dh says , see I told you to be nice. I feel bad, but still its worse to fall in the obligatory traps. I am getting too old and crotchety.

 

Just know, I am here for ya, and you never have to come over and bring me meals or take care of my kids, aaaaah I love my virtual friends.

 

Lots of hugs sweetie.

 

Yeah. I want to make sure I give more than I might need before I need it so that my "account" stays in the black. Seminary, though, has probably put us permanently in the red.

 

And, yeah, I realize that that is a ridiculously unhealthy way to think about people. But I've been this way since preschool, so I don't think anything's going to change any time soon.

 

Now a cousin is in town. This weekend only. Last chance to see her for the yr. No pressure, you know, but it's her b'day, & aunt & uncle already invited dc to her party, & they've been asking when it will be. I thought they'd cancelled it because after they told the kids, they mentioned it to me, & I'm sure they said 7/11.

 

Dc used to spend the night w/ aunt & uncle 3-5x/yr. Now it's been about 2-3 yrs since the last over night, but they keep promising kids they'll get to spend then night on a particular weekend (w/out asking me) & then not following thr. I'm tired of the broken hearts, but now if I don't take them this weekend it's ME who's the stick in the mud.

 

Not to mention cousin is of an age & background that is *not* even remotely a good influence for dc, so the whole idea of an overnight between a 12yo & 7yo when home environments are...different...is stressful in itself. Because, you know, family is family. And poor cousin has none since mom...ran off. Etc.

 

Ok, if not alanon, how about an old-fashioned fort-under-the-dining-table? :lol:

[sassenach]

So how are you and Jesus doing? When life starts swirling around me like that, I can easily get overcome if I'm not drawing close. For me it always manifests in insecurity and doubt. I start to question every counter-culture decision we have made- homeschooling being at the top, but also ministry, living where we live, ect. The doubt overwhelms me. But when I am walking with Jesus I don't feel a bit of it. Then I'm reminded that absolutely nothing in life is certain or steady, except for Him.

 

Prayers for you,

 

ETA: I think it's dumb that we expect people to go thousands of dollars into debt to attend seminary. Dh had a lot of education, but none of it formal until *after* he was already in full time ministry. He has been mentored by brilliant biblical scholars over the years and is only now taking formal classes. I still doubt the necessity of it. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Shannon831

[wbtx]

of SuperWoman. My girls are in their teens and in theory should be a big help (cough, sputter, cough) and I can't/don't/couldn't accomplish one tenth of what you did and I think the expectations you have of yourself are reallllllllly high. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:Hang in there!

[catalinakel]

Aubrey,

First, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

(Said very gently) You're young─and your expectations of yourself are high. Too high. The thing that often comes with age is acceptance─in this case that you can't be the one to do everything, take care of everyone else all the time. I know what it is like to watch high achieving, energetic people buzz around and do, do, do until *you* get tired just watching, and knowing that what you need and desire is down time, and space, and yet somehow expecting yourself to keep up with those doers. Sometimes it just takes time to accept yourself for who you are.

 

I agree. You need to focus at home (I say this in love and with grace in mind). And quit with the worry about being a 'good pastor's wife' someday. You will be no good to anyone full of guilt and burnt out. I have several friends who are pastor's wives. And I believe the key to their sanity is to 1) develop a good prayer life that allows you to be still and quiet, resting in God's grace and, 2) do not let yourself be compelled by unrealistic expectations. Let yourself off the hook. Taking care of little ones is plenty..that and ministering to your very busy husband.

 

I am so protective of my self before God that just reading all of the 'doing' in your post scared me.........doing is not the "best" part, remember? I am now a single mom with two young teens to care for and minister to. This is a huge job. I need to be in constant prayer and diligent with maintaining my energy (read:sanity) so as to be able to be for them what they need.

 

You can do it, Aubrey. Rest in Him and focus at home. Malaysia won't fix anything.....but He is able lead you beside the still waters where you will find refreshment. And this is His desire for you. And not much else.....:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

So how are you and Jesus doing? When life starts swirling around me like that, I can easily get overcome if I'm not drawing close. For me it always manifests in insecurity and doubt. I start to question every counter-culture decision we have made- homeschooling being at the top, but also ministry, living where we live, ect. The doubt overwhelms me. But when I am walking with Jesus I don't feel a bit of it. Then I'm reminded that absolutely nothing in life is certain or steady, except for Him.

 

Prayers for you,

 

ETA: I think it's dumb that we expect people to go thousands of dollars into debt to attend seminary. Dh had a lot of education, but none of it formal until *after* he was already in full time ministry. He has been mentored by brilliant biblical scholars over the years and is only now taking formal classes. I still doubt the necessity of it. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

 

Not doing well w/ the Lord, appreciate the question, but...would rather not talk about it publicly. :001_smile:

 

Dh & I don't believe seminary is necessary; he just felt called to that rte by the Lord. We also think debt over seminary doesn't make sense, but the result of that is that he's been working FT while trying to balance classes & family. Ultimately? It's like emotional debt. We'll be parents *later.*

 

Only it hasn't been a concious decision like debt. I've been waiting for it to jump out & bite us when ds turns...I don't know...13 & we're still here. If dh could see the big picture & still choose this life...well, that would be another question. But every time I mention, "At this rate, dc will be xxx ages when we're done," he's shocked. He wanders around in a fog of indecision for a few days, & then forgets the problem.

 

I love, love, love the man. But like any man, there are things that are hard. I'd like to see him in a place/career that hilights his strengths instead of *this* place that has been hilighting & whopping him over the head w/ his weaknesses.

[Aubrey]

I agree. You need to focus at home (I say this in love and with grace in mind). And quit with the worry about being a 'good pastor's wife' someday. You will be no good to anyone full of guilt and burnt out. I have several friends who are pastor's wives. And I believe the key to their sanity is to 1) develop a good prayer life that allows you to be still and quiet, resting in God's grace and, 2) do not let yourself be compelled by unrealistic expectations. Let yourself off the hook. Taking care of little ones is plenty..that and ministering to your very busy husband.

 

I am so protective of my self before God that just reading all of the 'doing' in your post scared me.........doing is not the "best" part, remember? I am now a single mom with two young teens to care for and minister to. This is a huge job. I need to be in constant prayer and diligent with maintaining my energy (read:sanity) so as to be able to be for them what they need.

 

You can do it, Aubrey. Rest in Him and focus at home. Malaysia won't fix anything.....but He is able lead you beside the still waters where you will find refreshment. And this is His desire for you. And not much else.....:grouphug:

 

Malaysia would fix family expectations! :lol:

 

I think it would be easier for *me* to say no to stuff if dh felt the same way, but he's more boundary-challenged than me, & I suspect that he's secretly an extrovert. He's SO refreshed after these family events.

 

A lot of times now, he'll take the dc & go w/out me, which would be a great solution if not...for the guilt! :001_huh: Mil has started worrying, too, that she's offended me somehow because she's made of such different stuff that she really can't understand. She thinks we don't see nearly enough of them.

 

A cross-country (or world) location would fix a lot. AND then we'd have no friends. I'd just have to maintain that to not worry about people having babies, moving, or becoming dear enough that I regret their departure. Hehehehe. I'm kidding! (Mostly.)

[eaglei]

Oh Aubrey :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and more:grouphug:

 

I agree with what other posters have said, from making the shorter list, to learning to say no and not feel guilty about it, to being too young yet to moderate expectations and be more accepting of yourself, etc., etc.

 

I was feeling very overwhelmed reading your post - when I got to those last couple paragraphs though - and the rest of this post is said very gently - my heart fell to my feet in such a strong thudding way that I actually felt *empty*. Please don't make this major decision with the way you are feeling right now. Please step back, way back, and take some deep breaths, and put this decision in God's hands - let Him lead, guide and direct. Please try to let your dh know that you will support him in his dream if this is what God is calling him to do - but let your dh know what you need from him in order to do that.

 

Another poster said there are no longer set standards for how a pastor's wife has to be. That is right. We've had very different pastor's wives - some have been very involved (the whirlwind type who can do ev.er.y.thing and do it well) and we've had those who do basically nothing in the church because they are supporting their dh behind the scenes and raising their kids, and we've had all types in between. In other words, you can be yourself.

 

Someone else posted that maybe in the future, your dh's current revised plan will lead to ministry. Could be. God is a mighty big God. But if your dh is giving up his dream for you, and you feel like you killed his dream, and the two of you can't have any conversation of substance - can this be good? PLEASE talk to each other!

 

Deciding together before God is so important. I feel like I am bleeding inside for you, Aubrey. Please KNOW that it is okay to be who God created you to be, and that He brought you and your dh together to serve Him together, and that He is more than able to blend your two personalities to His glory in whatever work He sets your hands to. Whatever He calls you two to do, IS ministry.

 

Oh Aubrey, it's taken me a very long time to realize that it's okay to be me, *warts and all* and a very long time to understand that things are much better when left in God's capable hands. Please know I am not judging you - this reply is said very gently.

 

More :grouphug: and prayers . . .

[Aubrey]

Oh Aubrey :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and more:grouphug:

 

I agree with what other posters have said, from making the shorter list, to learning to say no and not feel guilty about it, to being too young yet to moderate expectations and be more accepting of yourself, etc., etc.

 

I was feeling very overwhelmed reading your post - when I got to those last couple paragraphs though - and the rest of this post is said very gently - my heart fell to my feet in such a strong thudding way that I actually felt *empty*. Please don't make this major decision with the way you are feeling right now. Please step back, way back, and take some deep breaths, and put this decision in God's hands - let Him lead, guide and direct. Please try to let your dh know that you will support him in his dream if this is what God is calling him to do - but let your dh know what you need from him in order to do that.

 

Another poster said there are no longer set standards for how a pastor's wife has to be. That is right. We've had very different pastor's wives - some have been very involved (the whirlwind type who can do ev.er.y.thing and do it well) and we've had those who do basically nothing in the church because they are supporting their dh behind the scenes and raising their kids, and we've had all types in between. In other words, you can be yourself.

 

Someone else posted that maybe in the future, your dh's current revised plan will lead to ministry. Could be. God is a mighty big God. But if your dh is giving up his dream for you, and you feel like you killed his dream, and the two of you can't have any conversation of substance - can this be good? PLEASE talk to each other!

 

Deciding together before God is so important. I feel like I am bleeding inside for you, Aubrey. Please KNOW that it is okay to be who God created you to be, and that He brought you and your dh together to serve Him together, and that He is more than able to blend your two personalities to His glory in whatever work He sets your hands to. Whatever He calls you two to do, IS ministry.

 

Oh Aubrey, it's taken me a very long time to realize that it's okay to be me, *warts and all* and a very long time to understand that things are much better when left in God's capable hands. Please know I am not judging you - this reply is said very gently.

 

More :grouphug: and prayers . . .

 

I accept the gentleness of your post & for the most part agree, broadly speaking. In our particular situation, which is the sum of a lot of ongoing stuff that's inappropriate for a public board, seminary is not a good choice at this time in this way. Many, many people should have told dh that. Instead, they told him that he was putting his family before God by choosing hs'ing. Since I'm a certified teacher, we should put the dc in ps & I should put him thr school.

 

In addition to that, we are in a very conservative, very wives-obey-your-husbands environment.

 

Also, mil has told dh that his best chances of being able to care for her & fil is w/ a good career, & he's got the best chances of having that in the ministry. This is a very snipped version of what she said, so please don't read it in the cold way it sounds. She was offering some financial help & trying to prove to dh that it was not something she couldn't afford. What she doesn't realize is that that adds extra pressure.

 

Sunday morning church is so stressful for me, it takes more than a week to recover. So it's not just that I think pastor's wives have to be a certain way--it's that they have to be there at all, lol.

 

Dh was fired from his last position because of me. It was unfair, unscriptural, & disgusting. BUT it does confirm my worst fears, & when his loyalty was split between me & a church, he chose the church. That was in a situation where I was trying *hard* to be what was expected & he wasn't even an assoc pastor.

 

Could it be better at another place? Sure. But what if it's not? Everything about this experience has been exactly what I expected so far, & if we continue much further down this path, we begin to lose irreplacable parts of our lives. Dh has nothing to fall back on at this point if he does not go into ministry. That would make pastoring that much more stressful, kwim?

[4kiddies]

Aubrey, I know this is going to come out harsher than I mean it but here goes....

 

Your husband has to stop living for his dream and do what is best for the entire family. If the seminary stuff is keeping all of you from happiness than he just needs to put it on the back shelf for awhile. Maybe not forever but at least for right now. And you shouldn't feel guilty about that. It is part of growing up and adding kids to your family and being adults. What good is it being a minister if everyone in your family ends up resenting the process?

 

So sorry if this seems harsh. Its just the vibe I get from reading your posts. I may be totally misreading the situation however.....

 

:grouphug: regarding everything else. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed with life in general at times. Just keep treading water and keep your head up.:) The waves will eventually go away.

 

ETA: I just read this in the previous post....Dh was fired from his last position because of me. It was unfair, unscriptural, & disgusting. BUT it does confirm my worst fears, & when his loyalty was split between me & a church, he chose the church. --If he chose the church over you then you have bigger problems than you being overwhelmed. Have you tried marriage counseling?

Edited July 15, 2010 by 4kiddies

[Brilliant]

:grouphug:

Edited July 15, 2010 by OC Mom

[Aubrey]

Aubrey, I know this is going to come out harsher than I mean it but here goes....

 

Your husband has to stop living for his dream and do what is best for the entire family. If the seminary stuff is keeping all of you from happiness than he just needs to put it on the back shelf for awhile. Maybe not forever but at least for right now. And you shouldn't feel guilty about that. It is part of growing up and adding kids to your family and being adults. What good is it being a minister if everyone in your family ends up resenting the process?

 

So sorry if this seems harsh. Its just the vibe I get from reading your posts. I may be totally misreading the situation however.....

 

:grouphug: regarding everything else. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed with life in general at times. Just keep treading water and keep your head up.:) The waves will eventually go away.

 

I kinda feel the same way about doing what's best for the fam, but it's easier for me, since it's not my heart on the line. Really, it feels like one of us is going to have our heart crushed. Yeah, I think he should be able to come back to it later, but again, I can't tell him how to *feel.*

 

I keep thinking the waves will go away, too, but really...it's been nonstop since...2005, but before that I was teaching, & that was harder than anything since. Before that, I was in school FT w/ 2 dc & working 3PT jobs. I'm beginning to think the waves *don't* stop. Not for us.

[4kiddies]

I kinda feel the same way about doing what's best for the fam, but it's easier for me, since it's not my heart on the line. Really, it feels like one of us is going to have our heart crushed. Yeah, I think he should be able to come back to it later, but again, I can't tell him how to *feel.*

 

I keep thinking the waves will go away, too, but really...it's been nonstop since...2005, but before that I was teaching, & that was harder than anything since. Before that, I was in school FT w/ 2 dc & working 3PT jobs. I'm beginning to think the waves *don't* stop. Not for us.

 

It's your husbands responsilbity to the family to make those waves stop. It's not about what makes him happy, its what makes the family happy.

[Diane in CO]

:grouphug: Aubrey,

 

Although a difficult decision, I think it is a good thing that you and DH are stepping away from ministry for awhile. With circumstances being what they are, it sounds like you could both use a break to follow a path that is not just take, and take some more, but will provide financially for your family and give you more time to be with your children and be with each other.

 

I am Catholic, so we have priests and not ministers etc., but I cannot imagine trying to find balance in life when you are trying to serve God's people and also be there emotionally, spiritually and physically for your own family.

 

I wish you the best, and hope that you and DH can find peace and happiness in the new direction you are taking.

 

Diane

[Aubrey]

ETA: I just read this in the previous post....Dh was fired from his last position because of me. It was unfair, unscriptural, & disgusting. BUT it does confirm my worst fears, & when his loyalty was split between me & a church, he chose the church. --If he chose the church over you then you have bigger problems than you being overwhelmed. Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

Yes. That's where we were told to put our kids in ps. We've been to 2 different people/places. One was a newly wed w/ no dc, the other was mildly anti-hs'ing w/ a wife who's a ps teacher. Dh tends to find the good in any pc of advice & feel like I'm "refusing to seek help." Just when things get to be too much; the rest of the time, he understands better than anybody else. I hope that's not TMI.

 

More than anything, we're both extremely passionate, extremely intelligent, & we don't do things on a small scale. I asked him last night why he arues w/ me so much (something he usually accuses me of). He grinned & said, "You're the most intelligent person I ever come in contact with. It's a good test for what I think."

 

We can be super annoying to be around when we get too focused on a detail, but in the right setting, we're an awesome team, really funny, & a perfect fit. I'm sure this is coming out all wrong, but I talk too much when I know I'm being unclear, lol, so...there ya go.

[Aubrey]

It's your husbands responsilbity to the family to make those waves stop. It's not about what makes him happy, its what makes the family happy.

 

Oh, no, you misunderstand. Seminary's only been since '07. Before that, we had a string of deaths in my family, a serious illness w/ dh, pg's, a new house/remodel.

 

Dh is really an unselfish guy. It's just he so deeply believes in keeping nothing for himself, that...well, he takes pleasure in his family, you know, so...well, he tries to give too much & spreads himself too thin. He has a hard time seeing emotional toll, measuring time & energy, etc. If someone else tells him to slow down, he might listen, but from me? I've got too much J in the INTJ, & he ends up feeling run over. :001_huh:

[newbie]

Yeah. I want to make sure I give more than I might need before I need it so that my "account" stays in the black. Seminary, though, has probably put us permanently in the red.

 

And, yeah, I realize that that is a ridiculously unhealthy way to think about people. But I've been this way since preschool, so I don't think anything's going to change any time soon.

 

Now a cousin is in town. This weekend only. Last chance to see her for the yr. No pressure, you know, but it's her b'day, & aunt & uncle already invited dc to her party, & they've been asking when it will be. I thought they'd cancelled it because after they told the kids, they mentioned it to me, & I'm sure they said 7/11.

 

Dc used to spend the night w/ aunt & uncle 3-5x/yr. Now it's been about 2-3 yrs since the last over night, but they keep promising kids they'll get to spend then night on a particular weekend (w/out asking me) & then not following thr. I'm tired of the broken hearts, but now if I don't take them this weekend it's ME who's the stick in the mud.

 

Not to mention cousin is of an age & background that is *not* even remotely a good influence for dc, so the whole idea of an overnight between a 12yo & 7yo when home environments are...different...is stressful in itself. Because, you know, family is family. And poor cousin has none since mom...ran off. Etc.

 

Ok, if not alanon, how about an old-fashioned fort-under-the-dining-table? :lol:

 

Plain and simple, answering machine, needs to say, on vacation for at least two weeks. If they stop by dont answer the door. I would be hiding too. What did that robot on Lost in Space, danger Will Robbins danger.

 

I thought I had too much stuff. Do you need a borders secretary. Forward your calls to me, I will be your new PA and tell them , Sorry she is unavailable at this time.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[newbie]

Malaysia would fix family expectations! :lol:

 

I think it would be easier for *me* to say no to stuff if dh felt the same way, but he's more boundary-challenged than me, & I suspect that he's secretly an extrovert. He's SO refreshed after these family events.

 

A lot of times now, he'll take the dc & go w/out me, which would be a great solution if not...for the guilt! :001_huh: Mil has started worrying, too, that she's offended me somehow because she's made of such different stuff that she really can't understand. She thinks we don't see nearly enough of them.

 

A cross-country (or world) location would fix a lot. AND then we'd have no friends. I'd just have to maintain that to not worry about people having babies, moving, or becoming dear enough that I regret their departure. Hehehehe. I'm kidding! (Mostly.)

 

You can move to PItt, like me. Thats what I did to get away from family.

[4kiddies]

Oh, no, you misunderstand. Seminary's only been since '07. Before that, we had a string of deaths in my family, a serious illness w/ dh, pg's, a new house/remodel.

 

Dh is really an unselfish guy. It's just he so deeply believes in keeping nothing for himself, that...well, he takes pleasure in his family, you know, so...well, he tries to give too much & spreads himself too thin. He has a hard time seeing emotional toll, measuring time & energy, etc. If someone else tells him to slow down, he might listen, but from me? I've got too much J in the INTJ, & he ends up feeling run over. :001_huh:

 

Sorry if I misunderstood. :)

[eaglei]

I accept the gentleness of your post & for the most part agree, broadly speaking. In our particular situation, which is the sum of a lot of ongoing stuff that's inappropriate for a public board, seminary is not a good choice at this time in this way. Many, many people should have told dh that. Instead, they told him that he was putting his family before God by choosing hs'ing. Since I'm a certified teacher, we should put the dc in ps & I should put him thr school.

 

In addition to that, we are in a very conservative, very wives-obey-your-husbands environment.

 

Also, mil has told dh that his best chances of being able to care for her & fil is w/ a good career, & he's got the best chances of having that in the ministry. This is a very snipped version of what she said, so please don't read it in the cold way it sounds. She was offering some financial help & trying to prove to dh that it was not something she couldn't afford. What she doesn't realize is that that adds extra pressure.

 

Sunday morning church is so stressful for me, it takes more than a week to recover. So it's not just that I think pastor's wives have to be a certain way--it's that they have to be there at all, lol.

 

Dh was fired from his last position because of me. It was unfair, unscriptural, & disgusting. BUT it does confirm my worst fears, & when his loyalty was split between me & a church, he chose the church. That was in a situation where I was trying *hard* to be what was expected & he wasn't even an assoc pastor.

 

Could it be better at another place? Sure. But what if it's not? Everything about this experience has been exactly what I expected so far, & if we continue much further down this path, we begin to lose irreplacable parts of our lives. Dh has nothing to fall back on at this point if he does not go into ministry. That would make pastoring that much more stressful, kwim?

 

Aubrey,

I feel like I actually feel your hurting in all of this. The best any of us can do is pray over this. Husband and wife was the first earthly relationship God set up - so it must be important. And He enhanced that first couple/family by adding children - so again we know family must be important to the heart of God. If ministry/seminary is tearing your hearts apart and hurting your family, how much more must it be painful to God to see you going through this . . .

 

Continuing to pray . . .

[Mama Anna]

Wow! Aubrey, I'm overwhelmed for you. :grouphug: I've been hesitant to reply just because I don't want to add more straws to the camel's back. But I had some thoughts and I guess I just can't keep my mouth shut . . . :001_smile:

 

Guilt:

Satan is having a hey-day with you, guilt-wise. Guilt comes from fear, right? "Perfect love casts out all fear." Remember that verse (where is it? one of the letters of John or Peter?) that says though your heart may condemn you, yet God is greater than your heart? Yeah. Just because you feel guilty about something, or you're afraid that maybe you're a "bad _____" because you didn't _____ doesn't mean the judgment is correct or Godly. Yet only you can shut up the guilt - only you can change the pattern that has been trained into you.

 

What I keep telling myself (rather constantly - just once in awhile isn't enough, it seems) is:

 

• I am not responsible for others' expectations
  
• If I weren't here, the world would keep going 'round - they'll survive without me, regardless of my personal dependence on others' need of me to establish my worth.
  
• The most important relationship I have is between me and God. That doesn't have anything to do with ministry or helping others. Those relationships are much further down on the priority list and the people in them must not be permitted to get between me and God, me and my dh, or me and my dc.
  
• What is in the past cannot be changed. That thing I shouldn't have said can't be unsaid. All I can do is apologize, learn from my mistake, and move on. Therefore, beating myself about the head and shoulders (or allowing Satan to do it for me - he's always willing, it seems) is useless and will just escort me further along the downward spiral.
  
• When I fail, others are assured of my humanity. So am I. What's more, I'm reminded of my need for Christ. Failure isn't the end. (Right? I'm still learning this one, I think!)
  

 

 

Suggestions:

You're a writer, right? Do you journal? Can you keep some record of your thoughts so that you recognize patterns and (since you've been there before and know the ending isn't a good place) can stop them when they jump into a negative loop? Have some mantra (Scripture is good for this, for me) to begin repeating in your mind when you need to reroute your thoughts.

 

I'm so sorry about your dh's dream. :grouphug::grouphug: Regardless of what we get from the media, there are things that are sometimes impossible - when plain ol' want to and hard work just isn't enough. At least, not right now. But, as Maria says in "Sound of Music," "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." Or to put it in Anne of Green Gables' words, you never know what's around the bend in the road. Don't lose hope. And don't let your dh lose hope either. But if now is the time to step out and watch the rest of the parade go by, that's all there is to it. But keep supporting dh - he'll need your love and strength behind him all the more if he's based his identity on this dream and is feeling like that's been ripped away, too.

 

Please completely disregard any of this that isn't helpful. I've been writing it out for myself as much as for you - with dh planning to begin a PhD in the fall, priorities are being set in our home that mean changes will occur. And I'm struggling big-time with guilt about those . . .

 

One last thing: I'd second the idea of seeing someone about the possibility of depression. If you do have it and you need meds to give you the initial boost to get out of it, TAKE THEM. There is joy in life - not everything is always in shades of gray. Unless depression is casting it's dimming veil over it all.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Aubrey:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Mama Anna

[Rosie_0801]

I finally told him I can't take it any more & that I'll never be a pastor's wife.

 

:grouphug: I'm glad to hear it. I'm really not being mean and I don't have anything against pastors wives, but it really didn't sound like the right job for you any time soon. You've got four small kids and to be honest, you have congregation enough to administer to in your own family! :001_huh:

 

More :grouphug: about the rest. No wonder you are overwhelmed. You'd better go and have a cuddle with your paintbrushes, or whatever it is Aubreys do :001_huh::tongue_smilie:

 

 

:grouphug:'s to your hubby too. Teaching is ministry in it's own way. Hey, my sister could set you up in Kenya, if you want to escape :tongue_smilie: God wouldn't have given him this family if they weren't to be a priority in his plans. So anyone who says he should choose God (but meaning them) over his family is being a nasty twat. God chose him to have this family, with the responsibilities and pleasures that go with it. He is supposed to fulfill the former and enjoy the latter.

 

You know, your sister-friend won't be expecting you to do any more than you can do. She knows how it feels to be unable to keep grips on her own life, let along fix up everyone else's. She's probably feeling bad she can't help you out.

 

How do you say no to weddings, births and divorces? How do people say no to you when you need help? In my experience, by talking about how bad they feel by not helping or by telling you how tough you are while you are there in front of them almost sobbing "I'm not! I'm going bonkers!" If people are over-imposing, cry. Let them feel bad about asking too much of you. Sure they need help, but they are not more deserving of it than you and it is bad manners to pull from people who have more than they can handle already. Practice sobbing this "I am stressed. I can't help you right now." When you get good at that, try "If you watch the kids and clean the bathroom while I nap, I will be able to help you."

 

Some people don't get give and take. It won't matter how much you give, they will never return the favour. People like that get your left over effort. What's that quote I heard somewhere recently? "Don't make people a priority who only make you an option." Or was it "Only make people a priority who also make you a priority." Something like that, anyway.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Parrothead]

I didn't read past page 3 so maybe someone has already said all this.

 

Turn off the phone. Lock the door. Put the kids to bed and take a nap.

 

After the nap, leave the phone off. Make a list of your priorities. I'm thinking your top 3 would be kids, God, husband in no particular order. Add yourself at #4 and your marriage as #5. If things do not fall in the top 5 of your priorities say no. "No, I'm sorry. I won't be available for that." If someone insists, pass the bean dip.

 

You have got to practice saying no. Basically you said no to dh. He will have to figure that one out. He loves you and he will do what makes both of you happy.

 

Cousin's coming. You'll have to drop the kids off and get to that appointment you have. Yes, the appointment is with yourself at the nearest Starbucks for a cup of coffee, but no one else has to know that. You'll catch your cousin next year. Honestly she won't mind or she will get over it. Those really are her only two choices.

 

BIL's fiance. Don't borrow trouble. She may end up being a perfectly nice person. If it turns out the new wife is a PITA practice saying no. Practice the words, "I'm so sorry. I have a previous engagement." There is nothing that says you have to go to GNO or the spa with her and MIL. You homeschool. You have other things to do. You are terribly sorry you won't make it.

 

Friend is moving. Well there is your reason not to do things the extended family.

 

Friend is pregnant. Buy a nice gift and all it good. If you really can't, call two other friends and bake a coffee cake. Then invite all three over for cake and hugs.

 

Good enough is good enough. I've been there trying to make sure everything is perfect, every thing is done and every one is happy. I finally one day realized I was killing my own spirit. I'm more of an introvert than an extrovert. I prefer staying home. So now I stay home. I bet I spend no more than 10 days away from home each month.

 

Let your new mantra be nothing fancy. And what ever you do, get over the guilt. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty. If you have trouble with that call me. I'll let you borrow some of my attitude.

 

:grouphug: and good luck.

Edited July 16, 2010 by Parrothead

[kalanamak]

I find myself laying in bed at night, listing all the things I don't like about her, & I know it's just my brain's ridiculous way of coping. And just realizing that makes my throat close up w/ the sadness of losing her.

 

I finally told him I can't take it any more & that I'll never be a pastor's wife. (Not refusing to be but saying that I'd be terrible at it--look at what this half a summer has done to me--I'm a puddle!)

 

 

 

1) That is a good brain.

 

2) Better he know it now than later.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Sonshine]

Aubrey, I love to read your posts. You sound like a wonderful person.

 

I have noticed that some men, although having other wonderful traits, are not always fully aware of the realities of their and their families' lives. Often the wives have to be the bearer of bad news - as in "It's not going to work if we keep on this way". You are simply the messenger, not the cause of the bad news. You are your husband's helpmate (as he is yours). Given his personality, one of the major ways you help him is by telling him the truth about what you and the children need and what he needs to do to provide that. Even when he is the "head of the house", etc. Even when it is not what he felt God calling him to do.

 

I have had some situations when I have had to go against my husband to take care of my children and other family members (his family). It's hard, especially so in the man is the boss Christian environment. But I finally decided that I would have to answer to my children when they are grown. I believed your dad was the unquestioned boss and so you were deprived of what you needed did not sound like a good answer to give them in 10 - 20 years. You did the right thing. I'm glad your husband is listening to you. Leave his getting over his disappointment to God, since you don't feel like you can comfort him right now. Hopefully, in another year he will be settled in a teaching job and be satisfied with his new vocation and job.

 

Also, he can finish seminary and be a pastor, if this is truly God's will, later in life. He can take online seminary and go part time (only one class at a time I would suggest, given your family needs) if that will help him to feel like he is still working towards his goals. Maybe he could start after catching up on the money situation.

[laurad1125]

Wow, that's tough! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

I am a pastor's kid. I realize the passion that these men have for ministry. But I do believe that before you dh is able to "live his dream" he is going to have to learn to set some major boundaries. The ministry will chew you up and spit you out if you allow it to. How will you dh feel if he has the most successful ministry in the nation, but his marriage is in a shambles and his children are total strangers? Will God consider that a success? That was my family (not the marriage part, but the non-existent relationship with my father). My dad deeply regrets the fact that he missed the childhoods of all three of his kids.

 

Your dh's first ministry is to his family (immediate family as per Genesis 2:24, and Matthew 9:15) God ordained the family before there ever was a church. If there are needs at home and he's running around doing whatever, he does not have his priorities straight.

 

As regards to your extended family, I would wager to day that if your dh was able to be involved more on a day to day basis, you would not be avoiding the family obligations so much. When I am overwhelmed because my dh is working for long periods of time and life is so hard, every family invitation seems like such a chore. And have you mentioned to your in-laws that you need alone time, that it is not personal that you don't want to be part of the circus all the time?

 

Seriously, though, before either of you can consider ministry you both need to learn about boundaries and what GOD says about priorities. The thing about dysfunctional family relationships is that our autopilot kicks in before we can even think about it, and we are back in those difficult patterns without even realizing how we got there. It takes time to retrain our responses.

 

2 books I'd recommend:

 

"Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, and "Having a Mary heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver

[Chris in VA]

You've gotten lots of good advice, Aubrey.

 

Just :grouphug: here, and one or two tidbits--

 

(I've erased several things, so here is Try Number 2...:D)

 

You don't need to answer this, but your post has some of the hallmarks of someone who is either the adult child of an alcoholic or the grandchild of one--I'm wondering if your trouble with boundaries, really high (unreasonable, sorry) expectations, and extreme (again, sorry--imo) guilt, plus the feelings of responsibility for others, are coming from your backround. This is a public forum, and I certainly don't need an answer--but I do wonder if this is part of it all for you.

 

And as for pastor's wives/roles, etc--

 

Well, there's an old story I think I've shared here before--A pastor's wife was in a group of women, who were all sharing in a self-satisfied way about the wonderful things they did as ministry in their congregations--"I'm on the Altar Guild and lead Bible Study." "I'm in the choir and teach Sunday School." "I'm a Youth leader and visit the homebound." They turned to her and said, "And what do YOU do, Dear?" She replied,

"I sleep with the pastor."

 

Yep, my ministry in a nutshell!:lol:

[TXMomof4]

I've thought about this all night. I've been a lot like you are in the past few years. Everyone had expectations of me and they were valid expectations. Dh had been deployed and I'd received more than my fair share of help, love, and concern and it seemed only right that I "repay" that. However, I also had to realize that I wasn't obligated to THEM. They did things for me yes. Meals were provided, my house was cleaned, my children were cared for, all of those wonderful things that people will do for you when you are in need. But you know what? I wasn't indebted to them. I was indebted to God for providing those wonderful people in my life at a time when I really needed them. It sounds like you have had amazing people helping you through this time in seminary - take that as God's blessing to you during that time and look for ways *in the future* when you can pass it along.

 

As far as your husband and his dreams....maybe that isn't what God has in the plans for him? I heard a quote in a bible study once that said "Go til God gives you a no." If you are doing something that you believe is in God's will and want to give it a shot - do it. If he wants to change your direction he will make it clear. It seems to me God is trying to do that. If you family is suffering, your relationship with your husband is suffering, your confidence in the Lord is suffering, I doubt this is where he intends for you to be. God isn't going to HARM you for being faithful to him. Yes, you may encounter hardships, but harm to your children and family should not be a result of trying to serve the Lord.

 

I know how hard it is to give up a dream. Especially if you believe that dream is the best way to serve the Lord. HE knows best though. He knows where we can serve him and honor him in the best ways and it may not be in the capacity of Pastor. But insisting that we know the best way to serve him, in spite of evidence to the contrary, is actually being disobedient to what he is trying to tell you (or your husband).

 

Praying my friend!

[Aubrey]

You've gotten lots of good advice, Aubrey.

 

Just :grouphug: here, and one or two tidbits--

 

(I've erased several things, so here is Try Number 2...:D)

 

You don't need to answer this, but your post has some of the hallmarks of someone who is either the adult child of an alcoholic or the grandchild of one--I'm wondering if your trouble with boundaries, really high (unreasonable, sorry) expectations, and extreme (again, sorry--imo) guilt, plus the feelings of responsibility for others, are coming from your backround. This is a public forum, and I certainly don't need an answer--but I do wonder if this is part of it all for you.

 

LOL, I don't mind the question, but it's funny that I didn't see it until *after* your pm. I really didn't know what you were talking about when I replied. (Although my reply is still true--I'm really grateful for all the encouragement & kind words in this thread.)

 

Yes, I'm the child of an alcoholic AND the g'child of one. And, actually, the g'g'child of a recovered one (who didn't recover until after his dc were grown, so I figure the damage was done). I haven't read about that, but alcoholism was probably the least of my family's troubles, so yeah, there's baggage. :001_smile:

 

And as for pastor's wives/roles, etc--

 

Well, there's an old story I think I've shared here before--A pastor's wife was in a group of women, who were all sharing in a self-satisfied way about the wonderful things they did as ministry in their congregations--"I'm on the Altar Guild and lead Bible Study." "I'm in the choir and teach Sunday School." "I'm a Youth leader and visit the homebound." They turned to her and said, "And what do YOU do, Dear?" She replied,

"I sleep with the pastor."

 

Yep, my ministry in a nutshell!:lol:

 

It's not that I think I have to lead the women's ministry or something. (*That* I wouldn't even mind, oddly enough.) It's the little stuff. The small talk on Sunday mornings, the nursery problems that are just always there. The need for volunteers for VBS & other *programs* that people feel are necessary to do a certain way & end up corralling everyone else into.

 

Really, it's just the amt of time around other people. When dh's cousin was in the hospital w/ his baby, I *loved* being able to send food but not having to go myself. That seemed to work well for dh & I both. Unfortunately, I can't send muffins in my place Sunday mornings. :lol:

 

I think there may come a point in the ministry when a wife can be insulated from a lot of things, but I don't think that happens in the early yrs for sure. It's the early yrs I worry about. Dh & I have daydreamed about starting a church together w/ his vision for building relationships w/in the body & my vision for teaching--more hands-on, less direct preaching. Although he still wants to preach, lol.

 

Then when our visions stop being complementary, we joke about setting up churches across the st from one another & competing for membership w/ bigger & better donuts. Gosh, that's sacriligious, but we're really joking. :D