Teens and hurt feelings...

[Mrs Mungo]

Eldest attended a sleepover birthday party yesterday. She bought the birthday girl's present a couple of months ago. DD saw the item, thought it was perfect for her friend and ordered it, paying with babysitting money. She was really excited to give it to her.

 

The other mom brought the girls to church this morning (the mom and I are friends, we knew each other at another duty station). The mom said that some of the girls (including her dd) were being over-the-top, her dd was being obnoxious when opening her gifts and she was going to have a talk with her later about the behavior. She didn't talk about anything specific or anything that my dd had done.

 

After we left, I asked eldest how her friend liked her gift. Apparently when she handed the birthday girl the gift the girl said "lame" and when she opened it said "that's kind of pathetic." I don't know how it was said, maybe she thought she was being funny? It was a big group of girls and I suspect it was sort of showing off behavior. I don't know if the mom heard any of it. Ultimately, my dd's feelings were very hurt and she was crying after we left church about it.

 

Should I talk to the mom? As heads up type of thing? What can I tell dd? Should I encourage her to tell her friend that her feelings were really hurt? Should I let it go as teen behavior that they need to work out for themselves?

[Sonshine]

Wow - a teen said this? She was not treating your daughter like a friend. If you think the mother will listen to you I would tell her. If I was your daughter I would either blow her off and drop her as a friend, or if it was a long friendship worth possibly salvaging, talk to the friend and give her one more chance if she apologized.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If the "other mom" who brought her to church and talked to you was the birthday girl's mom, then it sounds like she was giving you a heads-up that she does know what happened and was going to deal with it. I would let dd handle it but let her know that you are there to talk to about it. At some point, I figure this girl is going to know that she hurt your dd's feelings. If she truly is a friend, she will apologize.

[Carol in Cal.]

This is a tough one.

She's pretty old for you to be stepping in.

OTOH, this kind of thing could really fester.

 

If I were the mom, I would want to know if my DD did this, but I wouldn't take action about that incident. I would watch for another one that I could bring to her attention or possibly bring up something similar, (kind of like Nathan regarding Bathsheba in the OT), to bring the behavior into focus and show that it's unacceptable. I would hope that my DD would go and apologize, but I don't know that at that age I would even let her know that I knew what happened.

 

If this mom would likely talk to her DD about it, it could make it much worse for your DD. Or it could fix it. I would think about those possibilities for quite a while before doing anything.

 

I hasten to add--it's because of their age that I'm hesitant. In general for kids about age 10 and below I would wade right in.

[Mrs Mungo]

Wow - a teen said this? She was not treating your daughter like a friend. If you think the mother will listen to you I would tell her. If I was your daughter I would either blow her off and drop her as a friend, or if it was a long friendship worth possibly salvaging, talk to the friend and give her one more chance if she apologized.

 

They've been friends since eldest was 6 and now she's 14, which is pretty rare in military circles.

 

If the "other mom" who brought her to church and talked to you was the birthday girl's mom, then it sounds like she was giving you a heads-up that she does know what happened and was going to deal with it. I would let dd handle it but let her know that you are there to talk to about it. At some point, I figure this girl is going to know that she hurt your dd's feelings. If she truly is a friend, she will apologize.

 

Yes, the other mom was birthday girl's mom. She was definitely was giving me a heads-up that there was some obnoxious behavior going on. I guess that just wasn't what I was expecting, kwim? I'll encourage dd to talk to her friend and see how it goes.

[Lisa R.]

Wow. Incredibly rude behavior from dd's friend.

 

It sounds like the mother knew what her dd had done. She probably didn't want to go into specifics as she would be too embarrassed to relay the exact words that were used.

 

I wouldn't say anything further to the mom, especially since she already told you she was aware of her dd's rudeness.

 

I use these types of issues as lessons for my kids. i.e. rudeness and ungratefulness--in any form or degree--is very ugly.

 

You dd should be proud that she conducted herself with character (generosity and kindness) contrasted with her friend (rudeness and ungratefulness).

[Caroline]

I don't know what you should do, but just wanted to say I am sorry that this happened. My oldest is 15, and I feel like I am in uncharted waters a lot. Good luck. Your dd is lucky to have you as a mom.

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry. That must've really hurt YOUR heart! :grouphug:

Hope it all works out.

[Mrs Mungo]

Wow. Incredibly rude behavior from dd's friend.

 

It sounds like the mother knew what her dd had done. She probably didn't want to go into specifics as she would be too embarrassed to relay the exact words that were used.

 

I wouldn't say anything further to the mom, especially since she already told you she was aware of her dd's rudeness.

 

I use these types of issues as lessons for my kids. i.e. rudeness and ungratefulness--in any form or degree--is very ugly.

 

You dd should be proud that she conducted herself with character (generosity and kindness) contrasted with her friend (rudeness and ungratefulness).

 

You're right, on all counts.

 

I don't know what you should do, but just wanted to say I am sorry that this happened. My oldest is 15, and I feel like I am in uncharted waters a lot. Good luck. Your dd is lucky to have you as a mom.

 

Well, I'm trying. She is really sweet and sensitive (I know you all probably find that hard to believe, since she's my dd, lol), I felt really badly for her.

[KJsMom]

:glare: This is the kind of thing that makes me want my girls to skip being teenagers. Girls can be so catty. I feel awful for your dd.

Does your dd appreciate your help/advice or does she prefer working things out herself? I wouldn't think you needed to talk to the other mom. It seems like she is aware and tried to prepare you for what happened. Has the other girl been a good friend? Sometimes the length of the friendship becomes more important than the relationship. Maybe your dd is outgrowing her slow to mature friend. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Sophia]

Ugh...that would be a stab in the heart for my girls if one of their friends did that.

I'm so sorry that happened to your dd.

[Mrs Mungo]

:glare: This is the kind of thing that makes me want my girls to skip being teenagers. Girls can be so catty. I feel awful for your dd.

Does your dd appreciate your help/advice or does she prefer working things out herself? I wouldn't think you needed to talk to the other mom. It seems like she is aware and tried to prepare you for what happened. Has the other girl been a good friend? Sometimes the length of the friendship becomes more important than the relationship. Maybe your dd is outgrowing her slow to mature friend. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

A little of both. She listens to advice but she doesn't usually like me to interfere (and I'm usually not the interfering type). This is honestly something that feels out of character for the other girl. I think maybe it was just one of those showing-off, trying-to-be-funny, things that went wrong. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around her acting that way.

 

Ugh...that would be a stab in the heart for my girls if one of their friends did that.

I'm so sorry that happened to your dd.

 

Thanks. :grouphug:

 

And I'm very sorry if I missed replying to *anyone*, I appreciate all of the comments.

[elegantlion]

Maybe the gift was too perfect. If your dd has known this girl that long perhaps she did appreciate it but for whatever reason didn't feel it was cool enough to acknowledge that in front of a group. However it was rude.

 

I would probably have your dd call this girl and work it out, while I held my cool and the box of tissues.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Wow. It felt like MY feelings were hurt FOR your daughter just reading that.

 

Yuck.

 

I am so sorry that that happened to her! Would your dd be comfortable talking to her (longtime) friend and saying, "ya know, that really bothered me" or would she have a hard time saying that?

 

If I were your dd I would be able to say that NOW....at THIS stage in my life, but I'm not so sure I could have said that as a teenager.

[katilac]

Well, I am not the nicest mom in town, and I would probably do my best to embarrass this girl to heck and back, and make her feel really bad for what she had done. Warning: You do have to have decent acting skills and the ability to keep a straight face to pull this off. Don't do it in front of her friends, as you want her true reaction, not bravado.

 

Simply act as though you know nothing, and kill her with kindness. Ask her about her birthday party in excited tones, and say you hope it was a great one like a sweet, sweet girl like her deserves. Such a big party, with so many friends going out of their way to attend and bring her gifts! She should be proud to have so many good friends who want to make her happy, and her mama must be proud, too, to have raised her so well and have so many people like her for the sweet girl she is. It wouldn't hurt to say how much you've enjoyed seeing her grow up over the years. If you can pull this off while in the shadow of the church, all the better.

 

If she's a nice girl at heart who did something stupid, she will visibly feel bad. If she doesn't feel bad, she's a Mean Girl, and doesn't deserve any presents or your dd as a friend. Tell your dd to visit one last time, and steal her gift back, because mean people suck, and shouldn't be encouraged.

[Mrs Mungo]

Maybe the gift was too perfect. If your dd has known this girl that long perhaps she did appreciate it but for whatever reason didn't feel it was cool enough to acknowledge that in front of a group. However it was rude.

 

This is definitely possible.

 

I would probably have your dd call this girl and work it out, while I held my cool and the box of tissues.

 

Thanks, I think this is what I'm going to encourage.

 

Wow. It felt like MY feelings were hurt FOR your daughter just reading that.

 

Yuck.

 

I am so sorry that that happened to her! Would your dd be comfortable talking to her (longtime) friend and saying, "ya know, that really bothered me" or would she have a hard time saying that?

 

If I were your dd I would be able to say that NOW....at THIS stage in my life, but I'm not so sure I could have said that as a teenager.

 

I *hope* she can, I think something needs to be said.

 

Well, I am not the nicest mom in town, and I would probably do my best to embarrass this girl to heck and back, and make her feel really bad for what she had done. Warning: You do have to have decent acting skills and the ability to keep a straight face to pull this off. Don't do it in front of her friends, as you want her true reaction, not bravado.

 

Simply act as though you know nothing, and kill her with kindness. Ask her about her birthday party in excited tones, and say you hope it was a great one like a sweet, sweet girl like her deserves. Such a big party, with so many friends going out of their way to attend and bring her gifts! She should be proud to have so many good friends who want to make her happy, and her mama must be proud, too, to have raised her so well and have so many people like her for the sweet girl she is. It wouldn't hurt to say how much you've enjoyed seeing her grow up over the years. If you can pull this off while in the shadow of the church, all the better.

 

If she's a nice girl at heart who did something stupid, she will visibly feel bad. If she doesn't feel bad, she's a Mean Girl, and doesn't deserve any presents or your dd as a friend. Tell your dd to visit one last time, and steal her gift back, because mean people suck, and shouldn't be encouraged.

 

:lol: Ohh, I just could never pull this off. I'm WAY too much of a straight shooter to do this! That's the problem. Either I say something or not. I have no wiles or passive aggression in me. I am deficient. :tongue_smilie:

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 18, 2023 by J-rap

[i.love.lucy]

I had a similar thing with my dds good friend. They went to camp all one week and dds friend was mean to her a few times and embarrassed her in front of other kids. The tricky thing was that the following week my dd was supposed to go on a small vacation with this girl's family. My mama bear claws were out (and tears too) and no way did I want to send her off 5 hours away to have her feelings hurt for a week.

 

But I didn't talk to the mom. I discussed it at length with dd about her friend's behavior (which did seem out of character) and why it might have been going on. I told her that I thought she should call her and discuss what happened and make sure the friend knew she had hurt my dds feelings. I told her this is the kind of thing that goes unsaid often and winds up driving friendships apart and one or both parties don't know what happened. I thought it would be a great lesson in making her own her feelings and realize she has a legitimate reason to feel that way, and it's okay to make her friend aware of it. So she called and felt that they resolved the whole thing to my dds satisfaction (I didn't listen in but did give her some key things to say beforehand). She went on the trip and had a blast and they are closer than ever.

 

My main reason for not talking to the mom was that I think my friend is often kind of tough on her dd. That's none of my business, but an overly critical mom could have made the situation very bad for my dds friend and I didn't want to do that. It was our first opportunity for me to back off and let her handle it.

 

I hope your dd gets some resolution and an apology. Nothing like that kind of hurt. Straight to the heart!:grouphug:

[katilac]

:lol: Ohh, I just could never pull this off. I'm WAY too much of a straight shooter to do this! That's the problem. Either I say something or not. I have no wiles or passive aggression in me. I am deficient. :tongue_smilie:

 

Clearly, you weren't raised in the deep south :D.

 

For some wonderful takes on this type of confrontation, read some Florence King. It won't help you pull it off ((pats your poor, wile-less head)), but it will make you laugh.

[jld]

I'm really sorry this happened to your daughter. I wonder if she even wants a "friend" like that anymore. I'd advise her to let the girl come to her and apologize. If she doesn't, well, that may be a sign to move on.

 

And you should feel proud of raising a young woman of fine character!:)

[Audrey]

Well, I am not the nicest mom in town, and I would probably do my best to embarrass this girl to heck and back, and make her feel really bad for what she had done. Warning: You do have to have decent acting skills and the ability to keep a straight face to pull this off. Don't do it in front of her friends, as you want her true reaction, not bravado.

 

Simply act as though you know nothing, and kill her with kindness. Ask her about her birthday party in excited tones, and say you hope it was a great one like a sweet, sweet girl like her deserves. Such a big party, with so many friends going out of their way to attend and bring her gifts! She should be proud to have so many good friends who want to make her happy, and her mama must be proud, too, to have raised her so well and have so many people like her for the sweet girl she is. It wouldn't hurt to say how much you've enjoyed seeing her grow up over the years. If you can pull this off while in the shadow of the church, all the better.

 

If she's a nice girl at heart who did something stupid, she will visibly feel bad. If she doesn't feel bad, she's a Mean Girl, and doesn't deserve any presents or your dd as a friend. Tell your dd to visit one last time, and steal her gift back, because mean people suck, and shouldn't be encouraged.

 

 

 

:lol: Oh I could definitely do that. Toss in a syrupy "bless your heart" and I'm pretty sure I could have that girl sobbing out an apology in less than 5 minutes.

 

My dh has been known to warn people: "Don't make her go all Southern on your a_ _. You really won't like it."

[Natalieclare]

Oh, I am so sorry for you and your daughter!!! A similar thing happened to my daughter when she was 14. Her mother was a friend of mine from church, too. I felt so sad for my daughter, I couldn't even sleep the night after i first heard. How could someone be so rude!! I was upset with my friend even, because somehow she had raised a daughter who COULD be that rude!

Anyway, I happen to think that it IS okay for a parent to step in. I did. I kindly asked the mother if we could take a walk, and I told her about it. I really prayed about it ahead of time, so I would be able to talk with her gently and as though we had a common goal instead of as enemies! It was very difficult, but I believe she was glad I brought it up with her. She spoke with her daughter, and insisted that her daughter apologize. I tried to explain to the mother how my daughter felt and why, and I believe the mother used the same explanations when discussing it with her daughter.

 

However, I also spent a lot of time talking with my daughter, explaining to her that it really isn't her (my daughter's) problem at all -- it is her friend who has the problem! She was acting selfish and immature and did not have the sense or wisdom to act kindly and honorably. Of course I was sure to let her know that I could very much understand how much it must've hurt her, but then tried not to dwell on it. Things like that happen in life, and our children will meet people who are not very sensitive toward others and are not reliable.

 

In the end, my daughter realized that she and her friend were growing in different directions, and they rarely spend time together anymore. It was a very difficult experience (for both of us!) and I'm sorry it happened, but my daughter did move beyond it and was able to see that her friend was just immature and not the right person to be a good, faithful friend.

 

:iagree: I am not really a believer in the "let them work it out themselves" mentality. There are too too too many instances of nastiness festering. And how many 40 year old women do you know who could have used someone sitting them down to give them some skills to work something out?

 

If you and the friend's mom are fairly close and you have a common goal, it can be a great thing to work together. I could see a conversation beginning with something like: Hey thanks for the heads up about the gift thingy the other day...

[ElaineJ]

Last week, my daughter had her 7th birthday party. She really likes Hello Kitty and wanted me to plan her party around that theme. three or four of the guests, all of whom are normally great girls, started proclaiming loudly how much they hatted Hello Kitty, that it was stupid, and that anyone who liked Hello Kitty was basically a big loser. I felt so bad for my daughter, as you could tell she felt very sad. I couldn't figure out why these girls, who are among her best friends, would treat her like that. I've decided there is some sort of strange "groupthink" with girls that makes normally sane and thoughtful people act mean and crazy in large groups sometimes. I'm sorry this happened to your daughter, too. :grouphug: I was hoping that they got over this kind of thing by the teen years...Hey, I gues I totally blacked out high school there for a minute......

 

 

Elaine

[Mom0012]

Sorry for your dd.:grouphug: I wouldn't say anything to the other mom though, because it seems pretty clear that she already knows what happened and plans to deal with it. Girls are notorious for being obnoxious at sleepovers. Hopefully this "friend" will realize how badly she acted and apologize to your daughter though I could see where she may have thought she was just being funny (even though it was in ver poor taste).

 

Lisa

[Kathleen in VA]

Mrs. Mungo, sorry this got so long - I don't seem to know how to say anything succinctly, but hopefully I've offered something in here somewhere that is helpful.

 

First off, I am soooo sorry this happened to your daughter. Like some others here, I'm thinking some group mentality contributed to her friend's thoughtless, rude behavior. I remember at that age I was just learning how to be a friend and I wasn't very good at it (never said anything that rude, but did stick my foot in my mouth from time to time).

 

I grew up in the military and at 14yo we actually lived in Hawaii, too. I had two friends and we got along most of the time, but we did have our issues. My mom was a hands-off parent - just let me figure things out for myself - and I cannot tell you how many times I've looked back and wished, for heaven's sake, that she'd given me a little instruction or handed me a book on how to be a good friend. I wasn't born with the knowledge and could've used some guidance.

 

My friends' moms were very hands-on and I remember on more than one occasion hearing them give advice on friendships (once, particularly when one of them had gotten her feelings hurt by the other). I was so jealous of her and her relationship with her mom. I wanted so badly for my mom to give me advice or just care, for crying out loud.

 

All that to say, if this friend has been a good friend up to now and this is the first time anything like has ever happened, it may be worth talking it through somehow. I can imagine the hurt feelings are rather raw at this point so the desire to salvage the relationship might not be so appealing right now. But I also sense that you both care about this girl, and, like you said, relationships that last this long in military circles are rare. Perhaps this one can be salvaged.

 

She may be totally clueless about how much she hurt your daughter's feelings and this could be an excellent opportunity to help her grow in this area. After all, she is still just a child and your intervention in her life at this point may help her a great deal more than you might guess. It could go either way. She may be heading down a path of tough coolness and not care one bit that she hurt your daughter's feelings or she could be insecure, trying to gain the approval of the gang at your daughter's expense and if she had that pointed out to her might feel just awful about her behavior and want to apoligize and mend things.

 

I really don't know how I'd go about it, but I kind of feel sorry for a young lady who doesn't know any better than to say something that horrifically rude to someone who has been her friend for that many years. It may be a symptom of military life - the feeling that friendships are coming and going all the time and maintaining one for any length of time is difficult at best. I was always being disconnected from my friends by our moves and I think it impaired my ability to form lasting relationships somewhat. I would've appreciated a kind conversation about how to be a friend at that point in my life - perhaps this young lady would as well. If you come down too hard on her during the talk she may feel so embarrassed about her behavior it could drive her away from humiliation. But if you tried to kindly point out how her behavior was wrong, she might feel extremely sorry and try very hard to make it up to your daughter.

 

If she seems not to care after that, I'd suggest having your daughter steer clear of her.

[KidsHappen]

I have taught my dds to respond to this kind of behavior wih brutally honest responses such as:

 

"That was so rude!"

 

"That wasn't very nice."

 

"That really hurt my feelings."

 

"I don't want to play with you anymore if that is how you are going to be."

 

And in that particular situation, " Well, I will just keep it myself then."

 

This works really well for all of them but the youngest and I think that is because she is just so sensitive that she can't keep a cool head and not show her emotions. The other kids see her as weak and you know how that goes in a group of teen girls. I know it is tempting to release mama bear but I think that in the long run it would be better for you to teach her the verbal defense skills she needs to handle these types of situations.

 

Also, talk to your dd and see what she wants to do about it. Someone once made a disparaging remark on one of my kids fb pages and I kindly step in to let him know that it was inappropriate. Another 15 of her friends did the same thing but she was embarassed that I got involved.

[Wheres Toto]

:grouphug: Teenage girls are so b****y. I have seen this kind of thing so many times over the years with my oldest. Quite often it would be very awkward for me to try and talk to the child or parent since a lot of her friends she sees mainly at school. If there was a parent who I knew well or was friends with I would probably say something just as a heads-up so she would understand if my daughter no longer wanted to be friends with her child. I know if my daughter behaved in such a way, I would want to know and I would explain to her that there was a good chance that her friend would no longer want to hang out with her if she was going to behave like that. (thankfully dd has always been sensitive to the feelings of others - to the point of crying during movies - so it hasn't happened too often).

 

I do talk to my daughter about this kind of thing fairly often. Usually I help her work out ways to talk to the "friend(s)" about the situation, think about if she truly wants to continue to be their friend and realize that she has other friends. (When she was 12/13 we seemed to always go from one friend being mean to "I have no friends!!!" pretty quickly). Quite often, if the friendship is a strong one otherwise, my dd would bring up her hurt feelings, the friend would apologize and they would be able to go on as before. My dd did have one friend who she stopped being friends with for over a year, then all of a sudden, one day they were best buddies again. :001_huh: I don't claim to always understand it but unless the friendship is totally toxic, I let my dd handle the details most of the time.

 

The biggest compliment to me was when I overheard my dd talking to one of her friends going through a similar situation and my dd was actually quoting some advice I had recently given her. Not that she would admit it. ;)

[Ester Maria]

I don't think you should interfere in any way - not even talking to the child, LET ALONE talking to her mother to solve together your daughters' relationship. You're dealing with something that might either be a side-effect of a bad upbringing, or it might be a perfectly normal "phase" in a life of a perfectly normal teenager, to want to be "cool" in front of her friends or whatnot, and if it results in rude behavior, mean comments and hurt feelings I think it's something your daughter should address with her friend, at that age, and not you.

 

I personally choose not to interfere in my daughters' friendships. I would interfere if age-inappropriate behavior, illegal activities, signs of abuse from home or life/death questions were an issue - but here, they don't seem to be. Your daughter is dealing "only" with a mean girl, and it's actually a great life lesson since, unfortunately, she will be dealing with many, many more openly mean AND, which is a LOT worse, implicitly mean people in her life. It's an opportunity to learn to stand up for herself next time, not to be oversensitive to what people say, learn a thing or two about group psychology, etc. I would talk it through with my daughter, but wouldn't go further.

 

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. Growing up is tough. :grouphug:

[Starr]

I don't really know how one works these things out but not for one minute would I believe that young lady did not know how unkind she was being. She was grouping herself, however unkindly, with other girls there and pushing your dd out. It was mean and rude and I have no patience for girls acting like this. I'm really sorry for your daughter. I hope it works out but I would carefully keep an eye on these girls. It is not healthy to be the good girl that gets used to being walked on. Interesting reading, Odd Girl Out and The Curse of the Good Girl. And that this happens at church as well as school makes me so mad and then so sad.

[Nakia]

That makes me so mad and so sad. I don't know the answer, but I hope I can handle something like that with grace if (when) it happens to my girls. I'm not making any promises though. I am definitely a Southern girl. :D

[Mejane]

What a bee... oh, never mind. Let's just say I also wouldn't be Mrs. Nice Mom the next time I ran into Little Miss Birthday Party. :glare:

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I believe in accountability. I would discuss it with the mom about how hurt your dd was and what she did to get the gift for her friend, and then I would encourage dd to talk to her friend as well.

 

It's important for them to understand how to discuss things with friends because they'll be dealing with this kind of thing their entire life.

 

I'm so sorry that she was hurt by her bratty friend. :grouphug:

[Teachin'Mine]

I am so not southern either, so I'd probably apologize to her for the "lame" gift and ask for it back so we could find something better. Hmmmm ... I'm a slow shopper. Would she get it before her 94th birthday party??? I'm so bad.

 

On a positive note, hopefully she was being sarcastic and really likes the gift and will apologize to your dd, and learn from the experience. :)

[Lolosoli]

(((HUGS))) to your daughter!!!!!! :grouphug:

 

I would most definitely talk to the mom. I think she would appreciate that. I know I would and you were certainly want to know if it had been one of your children.

 

I would also encourage your daughter to talk to her friend about she is feeling...I wouldn't insist though.

[Kate in Arabia]

I'm so sorry your dd went through this, especially after so thoughtfully choosing a gift and using her own money!

 

I was wondering whether the birthday girl did anything similar with the other gifts she received, or was your dd singled out?

[LibraryLover]

Hugs to your girlie. :grouphug: People talk without thinking and some teenagers seem to do it more than others. I hope they come around and apologize. I am glad the mother said something to you. At least she was listening.

[Mrs Mungo]

Thanks, everyone for the input, I really appreciate it.

 

I was wondering whether the birthday girl did anything similar with the other gifts she received, or was your dd singled out?

 

Apparently, all of the other girls except my dd and one other girl gave her stuffed animals. The friend reacted badly to both of the gifts that were not stuffed animals. *We* would never have purchased a stuffed animal for her since she has *extremely* bad allergies and is constantly broken out with eczema as a result. :confused:

[katilac]

Seriously? I don't find it odd for a teen girl to enjoy getting a cute stuffed animal, but I do find it pretty odd for a teen girl to be UPSET about not getting one, and to call non-stuffed-animal gifts 'lame.'

 

Just, um, hmmmmm . . . . that's like an episode of Mean Girls Visit Bizarro Land. Very strange.

 

 

 

Apparently, all of the other girls except my dd and one other girl gave her stuffed animals. The friend reacted badly to both of the gifts that were not stuffed animals. *We* would never have purchased a stuffed animal for her since she has *extremely* bad allergies and is constantly broken out with eczema as a result. :confused:

[RanchGirl]

oh your poor dd!! I can see why she would be really hurt by that!

 

Given that this is a long term friendship, the behavior was out of character for the friend, and the mother notified you right away that she is aware of the problem and is working on it, I would hold off for a bit and see what happens. In the meantime, ask your dd what she would do if she knew she had rudely hurt someone's feelings.... we all step in it occasionally, or perhaps get carried away trying to be funny. The trick is determining if this was a one-time mistake that will be apologized for, or a new pattern of behavior for this girl.

 

If the friend apologizes sincerely and rude behavior does not occur again, this is an opportunity for your daughter to be gracious and forgiving. If the friend does not apologize, then I would say it is time to take a step back from the friendship. I wouldn't encourage your dd to dump her altogether since there is a long history, but definitely to downgrade her from BFF level to "friendly in group situations" or something like that.

 

Hopefully there will be a nice thank you card coming in the mail shortly with a sincere apology for that ridiculously rude behavior and this will just be an annoying blip in their friendship.