WWYD? How can I find peace about this?

[melissel]

We have family in Texas and in North Carolina who would loooove to have us move near them. The cost of living in both areas is far, far lower than where we are now. My parents, who are an integral part of our DDs' lives, were just informed that my dad's job will be disappearing by the end of 2012 at the latest. When that happens, they will be moving out of NJ because my dad will officially be retired and they won't be able to afford to live here much longer. DH is about to be offered a job (which he wants), involving constant travel, covering the NC/SC/GA/FL area. However, DH is adamant that he will not move out of NJ.

 

We're barely making ends meet right now with me at home, and I know he's stressed about money. I DO NOT want to go back to work, but I know that in his mind, that's our fallback position. He wants so many things that a lower COL area could help us get (investment properties, to open his own business, to open a restaurant, new cars, etc.), but we simply will never be able to have any of them here, where we're buried under our mortgage and property taxes.

 

I'm so frustrated. I knew moving wasn't feasible before because he had a good job where he was happy. But that job isn't improving any longer, and when he told me about the territory for this new job last night, I was so hopeful. However, his decision hasn't changed.

 

I understand his reasons. I really do. His family is here, he wants to be close to NYC, he feels more comfortable in the Northeast. So how can I let go of my disappointment and frustration over this? I don't see his decision changing, so I need to find some peace over it.

 

TIA!

[Carol in Cal.]

I'd wait it out.

I don't think he will like covering that territory but not living in it or even close by. My guess is that sooner or later he will want a 'little place' in his actual job area. And you could then suggest instead that you all move there, and maintain a 'little place' in New Jersey.

 

I have to say, I would be very frustrated if I were you.

 

I also have to say, I would find it challenging to live in the South, and that might be part of what he is thinking. A Yankee might not ever be allowed to fit in. Especially a New Jersey Yankee. The whole confederate flag/war of northern aggression/south shall rise again thing would be extremely tough for me to swallow, especially with my children hearing it all the time. Still, I would love to move to Virginia or West Virginia or Arkansas. There's the South and the SOUTH.

Edited July 9, 2010 by Carol in Cal.

[KnitWit]

A Yankee might not ever be allowed to fit in. Especially a New Jersey Yankee.

 

That's crazy! There are transplanted NE'ers all over the south. In our circle of friends I can count FOUR families from *New Jersey* and they are all well-loved. (And they have other friends here from NJ and NY)

 

There's a lot more to life in the south than thinking/talking about the Civil War! LOL!

[rwjx2khsmj]

The whole confederate flag/war of northern aggression/south shall rise again thing would be extremely tough for me to swallow, especially with my children hearing it all the time. Still, I would love to move to Virginia or West Virginia or Arkansas. There's the South and the SOUTH.

 

I've lived in the south much of my life and I would have to say that this is a stereotype that should be laid to rest. There may be some who have this view but I've not met them personally. To say "with my children hearing it ALL THE TIME" is very dramatic. I doubt I've had one civil war conversation or heard a civil war reference in the south during the normal course of a day, ever.

 

ETA: Back to the original post...Have you sat down and had a real, heart felt discussion over your desire to move and the advantages you see and his concerns or are you just trying to hash it out in the midst of day to day life? If you have and he stays no moving, I'd talk about what you both can do to downsize your lifestyles and make NJ work for you in light of your future goals.

 

Change is hard for everyone and changing from a job you have, especially in this economy, to one you don't have yet, is even more frightening. Moving to a cheaper place isn't necessarily going to help your quality of life. Where COL is less, salaries tend to be less too.

Edited July 9, 2010 by rwjx2khsmj

[simka2]

You really won't like my answer!!! I bought a pop-up camper...a large one. I needed to know that if dh ever insisteded we stay somewhere I wasn't comfortable with I could leave.

 

Please understand there is a long story behind this where I wanted to move, dh wanted to stay....and all hell broke loose! As a result one of the ways the trust in our marriage has been restored is the fact that I have an escape option if dh doesn't give me say in where we live.

 

Yes we are still in ministry, but dh respects me to much to force me to stay somewhere I am not okay with. Granted, I also am a total realist...so we live where it is best for our family and dh's job...not the mountain cabin I want! :)

[Leanna Tomlinson]

I've lived in the south much of my life and I would have to say that this is a stereotype that should be laid to rest. There may be some who have this view but I've not met them personally. To say "with my children hearing it ALL THE TIME" is very dramatic. I doubt I've had one civil war conversation or heard a civil war reference in the south during the normal course of a day, ever.

 

I think it depends on where you live. I never heard anti-yankee sentiments in my eleven years in Atlanta, but encountered them frequently in Valdosta and several areas of Mississippi.

 

To the OP - I had the opposite problem. I thought I'd never get my dh out of the south. All it took was a lot of prayer, a well timed visit in the fall, and finding a property that was ideal for us. You just need to do the opposite. Go visit the south in late March; spring is in all its glory while the north is still grey and cold. ;)

[Impish]

:grouphug: Extended family stuff aside, (I wouldn't stay or go based on what extended family was doing, and his family is as much a part of your dd's life as yours it sounds like) the focus here needs to be on what's best for the family under your roof. Sounds like moving would be the answer to some financial peace.

 

All that said, I'd pray about it. Pray that either God gives you peace, or puts the call to his heart about moving (and yes, I've been in the either/or situation before, lol).

 

Good luck :grouphug:

[Oak Knoll Mom]

That's crazy! There are transplanted NE'ers all over the south. In our circle of friends I can count FOUR families from *New Jersey* and they are all well-loved. (And they have other friends here from NJ and NY)

 

There's a lot more to life in the south than thinking/talking about the Civil War! LOL!

 

I've lived in the south much of my life and I would have to say that this is a stereotype that should be laid to rest. There may be some who have this view but I've not met them personally. To say "with my children hearing it ALL THE TIME" is very dramatic. I doubt I've had one civil war conversation or heard a civil war reference in the south during the normal course of a day, ever.

 

What they said. We're nice, we don't bite. :D

 

Would you move to NC? There are pockets of places you might not be as welcome as others. For instance, Raleigh/Durham would be fine, but some of the more isolated areas in the far west might not be so accomodating. Heck, my husband was never accepted at his old job *in the next county over* because he wasn't from there.

[melissel]

What they said. We're nice, we don't bite. :D

 

Would you move to NC? There are pockets of places you might not be as welcome as others. For instance, Raleigh/Durham would be fine, but some of the more isolated areas in the far west might not be so accomodating. Heck, my husband was never accepted at his old job *in the next county over* because he wasn't from there.

 

Yes, it would be the R/D area of NC--I've looked a lot at homes in (dare I say it?!) Cary :lol: We have family in Garner too.

 

I've sort of figured that the Yankee thing was hit or miss. Our family in the R/D area love living in NC. They're perfectly happy there, though I know there's some animosity toward the multitude of NJ transplants. Maybe I could say we're from PA? :D

 

Thanks for the replies so far, everyone. I'm following along and absorbing.

[Mommyof4ks]

I'd wait it out.

I don't think he will like covering that territory but not living in it or even close by. My guess is that sooner or later he will want a 'little place' in his actual job area. And you could then suggest that you all move there, and maintain a 'little place' in New Jersey.

 

I have to say, I would be very frustrated if I were you.

 

I also have to say, I would find it challenging to live in the South, and that might be part of what he is thinking. A Yankee might not ever be allowed to fit in. Especially a New Jersey Yankee. The whole confederate flag/war of northern aggression/south shall rise again thing would be extremely tough for me to swallow, especially with my children hearing it all the time. Still, I would love to move to Virginia or West Virginia or Arkansas. There's the South and the SOUTH.

 

LOL, a bit dramatic. We have 'yankee' friend transplants in NC and SC, and they fit in just fine. People don't walk the streets proclaiming that the 'south shall rise again'. I promise. Of course, I live in Texas, so I only know what I hear from my friends.

 

OP, hopefully you are able to find some peace about the situation. Personally I would be annoyed as well, and I would certainly protest going back to work just because he does not want to move.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Yes, it would be the R/D area of NC--I've looked a lot at homes in (dare I say it?!) Cary :lol: We have family in Garner too.

 

CARY--Containment Area for Relocated Yankees. :D

 

(I have family in Cary and Garner too.)

[mommaduck]

Goodness, I wish people would drop the stereotyping. There are plenty of Confederate flags flying in VA and PA! I experienced more racism in the Midwest (St Louis and Chicago) than I ever did in the South (Charleston). But it really depends on WHERE in the South. While on my way to visit family, I took the train (PA to SC) and there were two elderly ladies, one black and one white, both going from NYC to Atlanta, GA. Yep, I eavesdropped on their conversation. They had a ball talking about how wonderful it was to be going back to Atlanta from visiting family. How in GA, people are friendlier to each other. And they badmouthed NYC something terrible. Yep, it really depends on where you are at. There are bigots everywhere. There are decent people everywhere also (and I wouldn't assume based on a flag that people can't even agree on what it stands for and various people fly for many reasons...you are aware that there is a black man that travels the South in Confederate uniform with a battle flag to tell Confederate history and how he's proud of his?)

[kahlanne]

I grew up in MS and now live in Louisiana. While many homes have a confederate flag displayed, I have never really heard "the south will rise again" unless as a joke. Matter of fact, we just took a yankee friend of my daughter's home with us on the fourth and she was well accepted. Yes, many jokes were made about the way she spoke but she thought our southern drawl was hilarious as well. It was all fun!

 

Our friends, transplants from Canada, are well accepted as well. Again, we laugh at the differences in the way we speak, both sides, but are terrific friends. They also find it strange some of the things we eat but are usually the first in line!

 

Remember the Old South prided itself in being hospitable to a fault and having good manners. While I don't think this is as true today as it once was, I do think it still exists. Way more than the south will rise again mentallity.

Edited July 9, 2010 by kahlanne
adding another thought

[Carol in Cal.]

OK, everybody from the South, look:

 

I am not saying that the South is bad. I am not saying that racism does not exist other places. What I am saying is that I would not personally have an easy time ever fitting in there, as some Southern cultural aspects bug me more than they bug others. And also, as I have heard frequently from many people that it is difficult for a non-Southerner to be accepted permanently--that visitors are welcomed to death, but not so much people who move there.

 

I have heard similar things about Minnesota--that it is hard for a non-MN to be accepted and included permanently, not because people aren't nice, but because newcomers never quite fit in; but I would fit in in Minnesota. That doesn't judge Minnesota, it merely describes ME. Just like what I said about the South doesn't judge the South, it merely describes ME.

 

And I did say that I would love to move to Virginia, Arkansas, or West Virginia, but the fact is that I would be uncomfortable living permanently in the deep South, and that is more about ME than it is about the deep South. I just would never fit in there.

[mommaduck]

OK, everybody from the South, look:

 

I am not saying that the South is bad. I am not saying that racism does not exist other places. What I am saying is that I would not personally have an easy time ever fitting in there, as some Southern cultural aspects bug me more than they bug others. And also, as I have heard frequently from many people that it is difficult for a non-Southerner to be accepted permanently--that visitors are welcomed to death, but not so much people who move there.

 

I have heard similar things about Minnesota--that it is hard for a non-MN to be accepted and included permanently, not because people aren't nice, but because newcomers never quite fit in; but I would fit in in Minnesota. That doesn't judge Minnesota, it merely describes ME. Just like what I said about the South doesn't judge the South, it merely describes ME.

 

And I did say that I would love to move to Virginia, Arkansas, or West Virginia, but the fact is that I would be uncomfortable living permanently in the deep South, and that is more about ME than it is about the deep South. I just would never fit in there.

May I ask what you think is different in VA and AR from the rest of the South that you separate them so? (I'm familiar with both states as well as others, so I am curious)

 

 

However, thank you for clarifying that you agree that racism exists elsewhere. Being a 6yr old child from Charleston being told to, "Stop talking like a *n*" by her stepfather from Chicago is something that is ever etched in my memory.

Edited July 9, 2010 by mommaduck

[JennyD]

Would your husband possibly agree to try it out, just for a while? Are there things that the two of you could do to make the situation more palatable to him? I do sympathize with him -- both my husband and I grew up in NJ, we live in NYC now (near both our families) and we will be moving to the South next year for his new job. He is over the moon about the job and move, whereas I have been -- and remain -- more dubious.

 

Several things have eased my mind somewhat: (1) we visited the new city and I spoke to tons of other NE transplants, nearly all of whom seemed thrilled with the change; (2) DH is willing to make the financial commitment necessary for really staying in touch with our families (e.g., house with an extra room for guests, coming back for visits, etc.); and (3) we have agreed that if I absolutely hate it, we'll move back.

[rafiki]

.

[QueenCat]

 

I also have to say, I would find it challenging to live in the South, and that might be part of what he is thinking. A Yankee might not ever be allowed to fit in. Especially a New Jersey Yankee. The whole confederate flag/war of northern aggression/south shall rise again thing would be extremely tough for me to swallow, especially with my children hearing it all the time. Still, I would love to move to Virginia or West Virginia or Arkansas. There's the South and the SOUTH.

 

Only the extremists say crap like that, you really don't hear it all the time, nothing to worry about. There are plenty of transplants all over the south..... We transplanted to Georgia and then TN..... you will find ignorant people everywhere, north, south, midwest.... etc.....

[Rebecca VA]

I lived in Mississippi, Georgia, and Tennessee when I was growing up. I did hear anti-Yankee sentiment, but the people expressing it tended to be undereducated and unfamiliar with anyone outside their small world. The kind of people you'll probably hang out with will have a broader view of the world and will accept you for your character and achievements.

[AuntieM]

I'd wait it out.

 

I also have to say, I would find it challenging to live in the South, and that might be part of what he is thinking. A Yankee might not ever be allowed to fit in. Especially a New Jersey Yankee. The whole confederate flag/war of northern aggression/south shall rise again thing would be extremely tough for me to swallow, especially with my children hearing it all the time. Still, I would love to move to Virginia or West Virginia or Arkansas. There's the South and the SOUTH.

 

Carol, have you ever lived in the South?

[fairfarmhand]

I'd wait it out.

I don't think he will like covering that territory but not living in it or even close by. My guess is that sooner or later he will want a 'little place' in his actual job area. And you could then suggest that you all move there, and maintain a 'little place' in New Jersey.

 

I have to say, I would be very frustrated if I were you.

 

I also have to say, I would find it challenging to live in the South, and that might be part of what he is thinking. A Yankee might not ever be allowed to fit in. Especially a New Jersey Yankee. The whole confederate flag/war of northern aggression/south shall rise again thing would be extremely tough for me to swallow, especially with my children hearing it all the time. Still, I would love to move to Virginia or West Virginia or Arkansas. There's the South and the SOUTH.

 

 

This is an untrue stereotype for much of the South. It is a great place to live and the people are friendly. When you are kind to them they will be kind to you. Politeness counts and be open about who you are. If someone is offended because you unintentionally committed a "southern social faux pas" be genuine in your apology and move on. Folks here are just as kind as in other areas.

 

We don't sit around and discuss the Civil war ad nauseum....seriously. I've lived in the TN GA area all my life and we have much more interesting things to talk about.

[kahlanne]

Each of us have a perception of what other areas must be like. I have always heard New Yorkers are mean but have met a few and they are different that me but not mean. Yes, maybe a little more loud or outspoken than myself but I actually like it. I just don't buy "that visitors are welcomed to death, but not so much people who move there" having first hand experience. As I said, I know many northern transplants and they are accepted just fine. Heck, I am a transplant to Louisiana and am considered odd at times. I am considered very country while most here are city or cajun. I embrace our differences. Maybe that is just me. Some people can do this easier than others. Maybe you can't. Which will make moving difficult. My only suggestion is if you move to the south, try to put aside any preconceived notions that you think you know or think you won't be able to "deal" with and give it your best shot. Yes, there is a major difference in the south and north but if you try to embrace the differences rather than shun them, it is easier. I am not saying you have to change yourself but don't try to change us either. Ex. my friend from the north doesn't have her kids say yes m'am/no sir while it is a must with my family and many here in the south. I feel very strongly that it is a sign of respect. While I understand her reasoning behind not having her children do it, I disagree but respect her choice. It has never really been an issue between us even though it is a difference. Embrace it. Who knows you might learn a few things or teach a southerner a thing or two.

 

I hope everything works out for you. I also hope that this post didn't come off as mean. I just know it will be much harder for you to move anywhere when you already think you will not fit in and put up a wall beforehand.

[LibraryLover]

CARY--Containment Area for Relocated Yankees. :D

 

 

:lol: So really, the OP isn't too far afield with her fears...

Edited July 12, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Carol in Cal.]

May I ask what you think is different in VA and AR from the rest of the South that you separate them so? (I'm familiar with both states as well as others, so I am curious)

 

 

 

Mostly more of a mix of different kinds of people that include some who are more like I am.

 

Look, again, this is not about judging but rather about comfort. There are some places in the world where anyone would be alien. The deep south is one of those places for me, personally. It doesn't mean it's bad, it just means that I don't think I would ever fit in there, and maybe that is what the OP's DH fears for himself and his family as well. It is something to be taken into account in dealing with her situation.

[Carol in Cal.]

Carol, have you ever lived in the South?

 

No, but I have visited there a lot. And I have had several roommates from Georgia, and know or have known a lot of people from Texas, North Carolina, and Mississippi. Nice people.

[Carol in Cal.]

maybe you could keep a small place in NJ and get a new house in NC, or the reverse and just be dual - state people.

 

Yes, this is something I suggested as well. One foot in each area, with the bigger foot in the less expensive place might work very well.

[KnitWit]

After following this thread, I started thinking about all the people we know from homeschooling/church/sports/music/neighbors/etc. and, maybe it's just *where* I live in the south, but less than a fourth of the people I interact with (and it's a pretty large group, considering it's a few different groups) are actually *native southerners*. Many moved here from CA or the NE. A few from FL, but they were originally from the NE. MUCH fewer are from the midwest. I only know two families from the NW and I don't think they are *from* there, they just moved *here* from there.

 

I'm sure there are areas of the south that are *born and bred here* people, but more and more common, especially near larger cities, it's a melting pot. TRULY! America is a country of people who are constantly on the move. :)

 

Just thought that was interesting...

[kmacnchs]

We have family in Texas and in North Carolina who would loooove to have us move near them. The cost of living in both areas is far, far lower than where we are now. My parents, who are an integral part of our DDs' lives, were just informed that my dad's job will be disappearing by the end of 2012 at the latest. When that happens, they will be moving out of NJ because my dad will officially be retired and they won't be able to afford to live here much longer. DH is about to be offered a job (which he wants), involving constant travel, covering the NC/SC/GA/FL area. However, DH is adamant that he will not move out of NJ.

 

We're barely making ends meet right now with me at home, and I know he's stressed about money. I DO NOT want to go back to work, but I know that in his mind, that's our fallback position. He wants so many things that a lower COL area could help us get (investment properties, to open his own business, to open a restaurant, new cars, etc.), but we simply will never be able to have any of them here, where we're buried under our mortgage and property taxes.

 

I'm so frustrated. I knew moving wasn't feasible before because he had a good job where he was happy. But that job isn't improving any longer, and when he told me about the territory for this new job last night, I was so hopeful. However, his decision hasn't changed.

 

I understand his reasons. I really do. His family is here, he wants to be close to NYC, he feels more comfortable in the Northeast. So how can I let go of my disappointment and frustration over this? I don't see his decision changing, so I need to find some peace over it.

 

TIA!

 

do you know anyone in NC or Texas that you know your dh would like that you could visit? I hear a lot that when people from the north move down here (NC), they think we're fake, the accent KILLS them, etc, etc. but if he were to see the GOOD sides of the south, that may help him feel more open?

[kwickimom]

Although its not a north/south thing with us....we are kind of in the same situation.

 

We live here because of DH's "family" who only tear us down and tried to get him put in jail over something he didnt do. they are horrible people. My family on the other hand is awesome, loves and wants to see my kids, etc. They live 5 hours away. My mom even offered to let us live with her while we dig out of debt. And she offered to watch the kids for free so me and DH could go to college if we wanted.

 

Try as I may, I always hold a little resentment. Everytime we cant pay a bill, or his family says something rotten, whatever. I am always frustrated about it. I cannot get over it. It make ZERO sense to me.

 

SO, part of my reason for HS'ing is so me and the kids can leave at any point. I am schooling with a break every 6 weeks so we can go and spend a week with my family that often. Every holiday I take the kids and go to my moms. I always have $200 put away so that I can go whenever. The compromise for us....he wants to live here...then me and the kids get to leave whenever we want and we can stay there as long as we want.

[KidsHappen]

I can relate. My bother lives in TX and my grown children live in GA. We live in the middle, in one of the most expensive counties in the country. Moving to either of the other two places would be much cheaper but my hubby and youngest two love it here and don't want to move. The thing that really sucks is that if I moved to either of the other two places the rest of the family would relocate so that we could all live close together.

 

There is a house for sale right next door to my dd. I love the house, I like where she lives and I would love to be so close to my kids. It is a new neighborhood. They are still building and have plenty of empty houses that my brother could afford to move to as well. This is my dream but my hubby and two youngest have already planted pretty deep roots here so I don't ever see it coming true. So I see up being strung out from TX to GA pretty much from here on out.

[lmrich]

We are in Atlanta, and it is incredibly rare that anyone has lived here their whole entire life. In small southern towns you are going to run into more stereo typical things, but not in Atlanta! There are so many people for you to meet that eventually you will find someone you click with..

[Laurie4b]

I also have to say, I would find it challenging to live in the South, and that might be part of what he is thinking. A Yankee might not ever be allowed to fit in. Especially a New Jersey Yankee. The whole confederate flag/war of northern aggression/south shall rise again thing would be extremely tough for me to swallow, especially with my children hearing it all the time. Still, I would love to move to Virginia or West Virginia or Arkansas. There's the South and the SOUTH.

 

That is really an outdated point of view. It would be true if you moved to a small town in the south, but there are many areas (not even all urban) in which there are people from all over. Small towns anywhere (including NY, PA, etc.) can be hard places to break into. It's always easier for immigrants to move to more cosmopolitan areas.

 

Again, the Northern War of Aggression issues are going to tend to be in isolated areas that you probably wouldn't want to move to anyway if you didn't grow up there--even if you grew up in the South.

 

I'm a transplanted Yankee. I came to college in the South and like it better here. There was a period of adjustment 30 years ago, but it would be quite different now. Dh is a NJ boy who came to grad school here, we married, and we decided to stay. People love him around here.

 

ETA: Sorry! I didn't see you'd already responded to this. But perhaps having so many responses will reassure others with the same concerns.

Edited July 9, 2010 by Laurie4b

[Laurie4b]

We have family in Texas and in North Carolina who would loooove to have us move near them. The cost of living in both areas is far, far lower than where we are now. My parents, who are an integral part of our DDs' lives, were just informed that my dad's job will be disappearing by the end of 2012 at the latest. When that happens, they will be moving out of NJ because my dad will officially be retired and they won't be able to afford to live here much longer. DH is about to be offered a job (which he wants), involving constant travel, covering the NC/SC/GA/FL area. However, DH is adamant that he will not move out of NJ.

 

We're barely making ends meet right now with me at home, and I know he's stressed about money. I DO NOT want to go back to work, but I know that in his mind, that's our fallback position. He wants so many things that a lower COL area could help us get (investment properties, to open his own business, to open a restaurant, new cars, etc.), but we simply will never be able to have any of them here, where we're buried under our mortgage and property taxes.

 

I'm so frustrated. I knew moving wasn't feasible before because he had a good job where he was happy. But that job isn't improving any longer, and when he told me about the territory for this new job last night, I was so hopeful. However, his decision hasn't changed.

 

I understand his reasons. I really do. His family is here, he wants to be close to NYC, he feels more comfortable in the Northeast. So how can I let go of my disappointment and frustration over this? I don't see his decision changing, so I need to find some peace over it.

 

TIA!

 

I think all you can do is wait, pray, and keep your mouth closed for a while. Some people dig in more when there is resistance than when there is not. Let him get "into" his new job a bit and then wait for the right time to bring it up. I might do some family "field trips" to areas that he's working as well. You'll be with him more and you all would get a feel for different areas and what they offer.

 

Do you know what makes him adamant about staying in NJ? Is it closeness to his extended family or just inertia because that's what he's used to?

[Mrs Mungo]

I think all you can do is wait, pray, and keep your mouth closed for a while. Some people dig in more when there is resistance than when there is not. Let him get "into" his new job a bit and then wait for the right time to bring it up. I might do some family "field trips" to areas that he's working as well. You'll be with him more and you all would get a feel for different areas and what they offer.

 

Do you know what makes him adamant about staying in NJ? Is it closeness to his extended family or just inertia because that's what he's used to?

 

I tend to agree with this.

 

About the other issues, I'm from Oklahoma, we weren't even a state when the Civil War happened. I've lived in NC and VA. Where we lived in VA the Civil War stuff was *everywhere* and it still is, because we've been there fairly recently. It feels very foreign to someone who didn't grow up with it. If you've lived there all of your life, maybe you don't even see it, it's just background noise to you. It stands out to people who have never encountered that sort of thing before.

 

I do agree that *most* people don't have Confederate flag stickers on their car or things like that. I agree that big cities in NC with lots of transplants have a lot less of this type of thing. I agree that racism exists elsewhere. But the hyper-focus on the Civil War in some areas of the south is unsettling to some people.

 

I was perfectly fine living in VA and NC, I find circles of friends anywhere we go. But, I can definitely see both sides of this discussion.

[elfgivas]

well.... fwiw....

 

he has already decided to leave.... he's accepting a job that involves constant travel.

 

i'm reading suggestions... we live where i would never have chosen, dh travels more than half the time, and yet we are still there. mostly, for us, its because there are few if any other options where he could have a job he would love as much.

 

but it can be completely crazy making.

 

good luck!

ann

[Kathleen in VA]

I'd just wait it out a bit. After traveling so much, he may see for himself that moving is a good idea. That reminds me of the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding (or something like that) - just make sure he thinks it's his idea.;)

 

I would be frustrated (very frustrated, actually), too, but I'd just bide my time. Also, I would spend a lot of time praying. I'd pray that God would change dh's mind, but I'd also pray that God would give me a peace and contentment about it in the meantime.

[Carol in Cal.]

That reminds me of the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding (or something like that) - just make sure he thinks it's his idea.;)

 

 

 

Head vs. neck. Yup. That was pretty funny!

[jenL]

I'd also wait it out a bit. Let him start the job, travel around the area, and see for himself how great it is. Is your dh a numbers guy? You could occasionally send him emails of houses and let him see how cheap they are compared to where you are. When I was trying to get Dh to move to NC, he wasn't budging (he HATES change). I started sending him real estate listings from NC and then of a similar NH house where we were. Within 2 months, he had decided we were moving!

 

I'd give your dh some time, and most definitely pray during that time. You may be pleasantly surprised when he realizes it would be more practical (and financially feasible) to leave in the south.

[Danestress]

I would rather live in NC than NJ too. But my family is all here. I wouldn't permanently move away from my family to save a little money unless I lived somewhere that I really didn't like or that provided no opportunities that I wanted. Since he is taking a job he wants, I understand how he might feel like he likes the life he has and doesn't want to move himself and his children away from a family he loves.

[KJsMom]

I've lived in the south much of my life and I would have to say that this is a stereotype that should be laid to rest. There may be some who have this view but I've not met them personally. To say "with my children hearing it ALL THE TIME" is very dramatic. I doubt I've had one civil war conversation or heard a civil war reference in the south during the normal course of a day, ever.

 

:iagree:I was born in California but have lived in Texas most of my life. You will see some crazy redneck now and then with a Confederate flag on his truck, but the majority of us are normal, intellegent Americans. And I reserve the right to call them crazy rednecks because I know some. ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

What they said. We're nice, we don't bite. :D

 

 

 

I know! I met you! You're not just nice; you're VERY nice!

[sassenach]

No, but I have visited there a lot. And I have had several roommates from Georgia, and know or have known a lot of people from Texas, North Carolina, and Mississippi. Nice people.

 

I think that is the problem. You aren't speaking from personal knowledge of living there. It's probably not a great idea to speak with such authority when your personal experience is so limited. Having lived in the south for 10 years of my life, I can tell you that unless she plans on moving to some backwoods location, the things you described will not be an issue.

 

To the OP, NC had a TON of NE transplants. Also, central Fl is very unsouthern. I met more New Yorkers living in Orlando than I ever have on the west coast. Give it time.

[springmama]

We live in AL now, but I grew up in Pittsburgh, lived in eastern PA (near NJ) before living here. Dh is from western MA. I did NOT want to move south. In fact, driving through on the way to visit family in FL, many times I declared that I could never, ever live in the south...that it is way too different and I just would never be able to be happy here.

 

Let me just tell you how wrong I was! I have the best friends ever. All but 2 of them are Alabama natives. They love me like a sister and I know for sure I can count on them for anything. Heck, they've even seen me naked! So much for the "Yankees never fit in" theory.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that is the problem. You aren't speaking from personal knowledge of living there. It's probably not a great idea to speak with such authority when your personal experience is so limited. Having lived in the south for 10 years of my life, I can tell you that unless she plans on moving to some backwoods location, the things you described will not be an issue.

 

 

OK, look. There is not a PROBLEM per se.

It's just not a fit for me. And possibly her husband feels that way as well.

I'm not speaking with 'such authority.' I'm talking about my own experience and that of acquaintances of mine. Others have said similar things about various parts of my home state, and I was not offended, because it's not a question of values or morals or good vs. bad people but rather of a good fit. Sheesh.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

I know! I met you! You're not just nice; you're VERY nice!

 

Awww...thanks. :blush:

 

And ladies, Carol is a very nice person too.

[kalanamak]

So how can I let go of my disappointment and frustration over this? I don't see his decision changing, so I need to find some peace over it.

 

TIA!

 

It sounds trite, but it works for me: focus on the positive.

[mcconnellboys]

Maybe when he gets to know that area better, he will change his mind....

[AnitaMcC]

We have family in Texas and in North Carolina who would loooove to have us move near them. The cost of living in both areas is far, far lower than where we are now. My parents, who are an integral part of our DDs' lives, were just informed that my dad's job will be disappearing by the end of 2012 at the latest. When that happens, they will be moving out of NJ because my dad will officially be retired and they won't be able to afford to live here much longer. DH is about to be offered a job (which he wants), involving constant travel, covering the NC/SC/GA/FL area. However, DH is adamant that he will not move out of NJ.

 

 

You may not like my answer...

 

If Dh and I was in your situation, we would be moving. IMO, it wouldn't be fair or right for Dh to insist on us continue living in an area that I absolutely wanted to leave, while his job kept him away from home. Just doesn't make sense to me for my Dh to insist on us living in an area that he loves, I hate, and he isn't the one who will be "living" there.

 

I also would insist on us compromising. I would not force him to live somewhere that he would absolutely hate. I would insist on us coming to a middle ground where we both could find peace where we choose to live. It would be a joint decision where we move... but we would be moving.