Laurie4b Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm curious as to how broad this trend is or isn't. In our extended family, the parents of the groom-to-be have been told by the mother of the bride-to-be that the new trend is for the groom's family to go halves on the wedding. Bride-to-be and mother of the bride-to-be both conceive of the wedding day as the day when the bride gets to live out a costly princess fantasy. Groom's parents have not laid aside tens of thousands of dollars for fairy tale weddings, and have said as much. Has anyone else heard of this "trend?" What a way to start a marriage and relationship with the in-laws! When I got married, I really did not want to spend big bucks on 3 or 4 hours of my life and so it's hard for me to imagine that choice. As the mother of 4 boys, I'm sure hoping this trend isn't really the up and coming thing. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm curious as to how broad this trend is or isn't. In our extended family, the parents of the groom-to-be have been told by the mother of the bride-to-be that the new trend is for the groom's family to go halves on the wedding. Bride-to-be and mother of the bride-to-be both conceive of the wedding day as the day when the bride gets to live out a costly princess fantasy. Groom's parents have not laid aside tens of thousands of dollars for fairy tale weddings, and have said as much. Has anyone else heard of this "trend?" What a way to start a marriage and relationship with the in-laws! When I got married, I really did not want to spend big bucks on 3 or 4 hours of my life and so it's hard for me to imagine that choice. As the mother of 4 boys, I'm sure hoping this trend isn't really the up and coming thing. :001_huh: Send them their half of the bill for the ladder from Menards--the groom's fantasy wedding. :) Seriously I have never heard of this. OK my kids are young, but my mother is a florist and she says this is just probably the bride's family trying to sucker the groom's family outta some money. If the bride doesn't object then tell the groom to run!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K&Rs Mom Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 My brother is getting married next summer, and this is apparently the deal for him. I don't understand it, and don't agree, but if my parents have agreed to it I guess it's not really my business. I don't think it was any kind of confrontational thing between the two sides in this case, but it seems wierd to me (especially since the bride to be is an only child). It's going to be a huge, very fancy wedding, no children allowed, sounds like an expensive place, but if both sets of parents are going along with this plan that's really up to them.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Copswife Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 ;) We planned a wedding in 9 days, or was it 11. Anyway, the point is, its not the wedding ceremony that makes the marriage. I say save it for a decent trip to take on your 20th anniversary. You'll need it after having kids. :tongue_smilie: My kids know that we won't have the money for that type of fairy tale wedding, boys or girls; nor will we go into debt over such foolishness. My hopes is that my children will be wise and grounded enough to see that spending that much money is a waste. I'm curious as to how broad this trend is or isn't. In our extended family, the parents of the groom-to-be have been told by the mother of the bride-to-be that the new trend is for the groom's family to go halves on the wedding. Bride-to-be and mother of the bride-to-be both conceive of the wedding day as the day when the bride gets to live out a costly princess fantasy. Groom's parents have not laid aside tens of thousands of dollars for fairy tale weddings, and have said as much. Has anyone else heard of this "trend?" What a way to start a marriage and relationship with the in-laws! When I got married, I really did not want to spend big bucks on 3 or 4 hours of my life and so it's hard for me to imagine that choice. As the mother of 4 boys, I'm sure hoping this trend isn't really the up and coming thing. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_l_e_0..Q_c Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Well, the trend over here is that the bride and groom pay for their own wedding. If the bride is willing to borrow from her parents, she should discuss it with the future groom, because it will impact on their future income (having to reimburse it all...) It's kind of funny how weddings have paired down since the bride and groom have to foot the bill. That, and we're seeing weddings later and later in life. Bride and groom wait till they can afford the wedding of their dream. People I know just got married in Cuba after 19 years together, and 3 kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Well, we planned a very simple, inexpensive (yet fairly traditional) wedding. Dh and I paid for most of it, but I'm certainly grateful for the help we got from *both* of our families to put it on. I really think it's *very* reasonable for both families to contribute to the wedding these days. What I do *not* think is reasonable is where you say, "Bride-to-be and mother of the bride-to-be both conceive of the wedding day as the day when the bride gets to live out a costly princess fantasy." That sends up *major* red flags for me! Is this woman mature enough to be getting married right now?!? "Costly princess fantasies" that cause strife within the couple and between the families are *not* a reasonable way to begin a marriage, and if that's what this young woman thinks weddings are about, I *seriously* question her readiness for marriage. Working together to celebrate the couple is a good thing. And I think the tradition of the bride's family paying for the entire wedding is, indeed, antiquated. But what you describe is the opposite of working together -- it's selfishness and indulgence. (Shudder) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I don't think so. I am not paying for anyone's "fantasy wedding" - daughter or son. Here, the tradition is that the bride's family pays for the wedding but also gets to call all the shots. Which is fine with me. I'm definitely not a control freak in this area:) But the grooms parents pay for a rehearsal dinner the night before, which often is almost as big as the wedding, since all the out of town guests are invited. And I certainly would be willing to host that for my sons. But no one gets to inform me what I spend one, including my son, including his future MIL, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
at the beach Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 [My kids know that we won't have the money for that type of fairy tale wedding, boys or girls; nor will we go into debt over such foolishness. My hopes is that my children will be wise and grounded enough to see that spending that much money is a waste. :iagree: The thought of spending tens of thousands of $ on a one-day celebration just turns me off. I love simplicity in the first place, and I can't imagine not being able to pull off a fabulous low cost celebration. I recall reading about a celebrity wedding (Julia Robert's I think) and they led guests to believe they were coming to a picnic, asking the women to wear spring hats or some such thing. They had hamburgers on a farm someplace in Texas I think. It sounded absolutely delightful to me. I am sure JFK Jr.'s wedding cost a fortune when he married his bride, but they held the ceremony in a small church on Martha's Vineyard late at night. I don't even think she had shoes on. On another note, I am also horrified by registries requesting super expensive things. Yuck. Showers are supposed to be for starting out IMHO. It's pretty bad when people expect gifts that I could never even afford to own myself after 20 years of marriage. :001_huh: And expecting parents to pay for something like this? Forget it. Going in debt for a wedding is ridiculous. JMHO. Anita Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Ours was pretty traditional. The bride's family paid for most of it. My MIL wanted a caterer at the wedding. (We were going for nuts, mints and cake & punch). My parents couldn't afford it, so I told my DH that if she wanted it so badly, she would have to pay for it. She did. Even still, it was a lunch buffet and it was only about $600. I didn't hit them up for thousands!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 It isn't a trend. There have always been bridezillas and mother-of-the-bridezillas. I wonder if it's too late for the groom to get out of it?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I don't know if asking the groom to pay for half is a trend or not. These "fairy-tale wedding" though seem to be a trend, at least among my nieces and nephews. :thumbdown: :rant: Personally, I think it's beyond ridiculous. The extravagance of it digusts me to no end. On principle, I've refused to attend any of these affairs -- not that I could afford to attend anyway, since the "trend" also seems to be to have them in far-away locales. This is another thing that bugs me -- if you truly wanted your family and friends to attend, then you'd have the decency to have it in a place of reasonable proximity to them, and you wouldn't get all pissy about it because Auntie and Uncle won't drop a few grand just to watch your overindulged "fantasy." :cursing: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Seems peculiar. I mean, what does the groom want a fairy tale wedding for? The trend around here, as far as I know, is for the couple to pay for their own. One reason we didn't get married! I think the parents will pay for flowers or something. Rosie- who couldn't have afforded the kids if she'd had the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 Thanks, everyone. That's interesting to know that the alleged "trend" is not actually a trend. This was in New England, so if anyone from New England happens to read this and posts otherwise, I'd still appreciate hearing about it. It's also reassuring to me as the mom of sons. I'm already nervous about the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. I would not want to get started on a totally wrong foot if asked to pay halves for what I think is a waste of money in the first place. I'm not against helping out with a simpler wedding, if needed, but the mega-bucks expectation is what bothers me. If I had girls, they would not have been raised imagining that mom and dad would pay for the "princess fairy tale fantasy," and hopefully, they would have acquired values that would preclude having the fantasy in the first place (but you never know about that part!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 ...This was in New England, so ... My (male) cousin recently got married. He and his wife are both from Maine. His parents paid for a significant portion of the wedding because, extremely modest as their means are, they had a little more flexibility than the bride's family. While the wedding itself wasn't a "super-expensive, fairy-tale wedding", the bride still acted like a spoiled child and treated both families badly in an event that turned into an ordeal for both sets of parents, her future husband and her future SIL (still a teen). I really don't think it's (entirely) about the money or who pays -- it's about whether people (most often the bride, but it *could* be any major player in the event) treat others with kindness, courtesy, respect, gratitude... Or whether they act in a self-centered manner. So anyway, I can very well imagine my new cousin saying the same thing. sigh... The problem though isn't so much that the groom's parents paid for much of the wedding -- they are generous with what they have and didn't resent helping to pay for the wedding to celebrate the marriage of these young people -- but it's the fact that she acted so entitled and demanded incessantly. Yes, I hope my children grow up to focus on what comes after the wedding, and how they treat those around them -- not creating an unrealistic fantasy that hurts and alienates those around them as a first step. Ugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThelmaLou Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm trying to figure out how much I'm going to be able to afford for my 5 boys' college expenses. Weddings? Probably not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Has anyone else heard of this "trend?" I have not heard of this being a trend. I know of some families of the groom who have stepped up to the plate in smaller weddings, as a gift to the couple who would have had to pay themselves. I think couples should pay for their own wedding, especially if they are older that say 25. We paid for our own wedding- I didn't feel comfortable making my dad pay when I was 29 and had been living on my own for 8 years. Didn't seem like my father was responsible for me anymore. The only things we actually paid for though was the Justice of the Peace and the caterer. Oh, and our wedding clothes which were bike shorts and shirts (we made the wedding party as it were ride their bikes up a mountain so I wouldn't have to wear a wedding dress.) So- obviously I don't get the fairy tale wedding thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Send them their half of the bill for the ladder from Menards--the groom's fantasy wedding. :) :biggrinjester: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PariSarah Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 . . . people are starting to dispense with the "bride's family pays for everything" tradition. I hate to disagree with everybody on that score, because everything else that was written was dead-on. But few of the weddings I've been involved with in the last ten years have followed the bride's-family-pays thing. I've seen virtually every permutation one could think of--couple pays the whole thing, groom's family pays the whole thing, groom's family helps out a little, everybody goes into hock, four sets of parents contribute (multiple divorce and remarriage scenario), bride's family bribes the couple to elope, everybody mooches off the wealthy great-aunt. Everything! But maybe twice have I seen a strict "bride's family pays" wedding. But for all the other reasons mentioned, I find the "request" (starting with the fact that it sounds like a demand rather than a request) to be wrong-headed. If I were their pastor . . . . :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 My oldest are teens so I am not there yet but I do have pretty strong feelings on the whole wedding thing. I know people regret not having elaborate weddings and I respect it, but I don't understand it. Our plan is to offer a sum of money for them to go small with their wedding or just go to the courthouse. I would rather see thousands of dollars go toward their future, not the caterer. Dh and I went to the courthouse, can you tell? Not one single solitary regret. It cost $31.50 and that is about all we had at that time! We have been married 17 years so it worked! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 That's just silly. I don't see any problem with the groom's family helping with expenses but not for a lavish fairytale wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mekanamom Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Ours was pretty traditional. The bride's family paid for most of it. My MIL wanted a caterer at the wedding. (We were going for nuts, mints and cake & punch). My parents couldn't afford it, so I told my DH that if she wanted it so badly, she would have to pay for it. She did. Even still, it was a lunch buffet and it was only about $600. I didn't hit them up for thousands!! LOL, my MIL paid for the china, glassware, and cutlery rental. My mom was going to go for paper plates and plastic cups, and my MIL couldn't stand the thought. "My son's wedding is not a picnic!" were the actual words out of her mouth. :lol: My dad had offered to give me the money allotted for the wedding plus extra if DH and I would run off to Vegas and elope. I loved my wedding, I really did, but if I had it to do over... I would take my dad up on his offer. ;) I'm sure DH would agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay in Cal Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Well, when I got married (15 years ago) both families contributed to the wedding expenses. We had a smallish (100 guests), nice but not "fairy tale" wedding (church, reception, picnic the next day--at my dh's family home). We were right out of college, and we contributed our savings to the cost, our share was about $5000, I have no idea what the total was, but probably around $25,000. Plus both families paid pretty much equally--and my divorced parents both contributed. Everyone wanted to have an event they could invite thier friends and family to, many of whom travelled a long distance to come. It was important to my FIL to invite his business associates (who gave the best gifts, btw), my mom wanted to invite her cousins and other relatives I've never met etc. for the wedding of her only child. They also had input into the event-- for example: dh and I don't drink, but my in-laws inisted on an open bar, so they paid for it. I don't know about the "fairy tale" stuff, but it makes perfect sense to me that both families contribute. It was lovely, and while I probably would do some things differently now, at 22 we were very happy with the wedding. When my sons grow up and get married, I expect that if I want to invite my friends (which I will!), I'll have to contribute some money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I do find it odd that the bride's side is telling the groom's side how it's gonna be and how much they need to spend. I've assumed that the bride's family paying for it is a holdover from the whole "dowry" tradition of the bride's family having to come up with money for the groom to take her.:001_huh: I think the couple should decide how much they can contribute, how much parent's offer to contribute (willingly, and not being begged to give more money) and plan the wedding around that budget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 If groom's family expects a big bash with huge attendees, then let them help fund the gala. I have heard it's happening more frequently, but not sure I would call it a 'trend' yet. We eloped (in the church) and informed our parents the next day. We still haven't been forgiven by some family members for not having a huge affair. I swear some people are more into image than substance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Fairy tale wedding? No. Groom's side taking some financial responsibility? Well....shahhh (said in my best Wayne's World accent)! Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I do find it odd that the bride's side is telling the groom's side how it's gonna be and how much they need to spend. I've assumed that the bride's family paying for it is a holdover from the whole "dowry" tradition of the bride's family having to come up with money for the groom to take her.:001_huh: I think the couple should decide how much they can contribute, how much parent's offer to contribute (willingly, and not being begged to give more money) and plan the wedding around that budget. Couldn't agree more. My whole wedding for 50 people cost $3000 including my dress. I paid for it out of my savings because my parents said we could have $2000 to put toward a wedding or honeymoon. Our choice. Dh's paid for nothing. Nada. Even the $60 for pizza we served for our rehearsal dinner they refused to spring for. So Rich paid it. The first thing many people say when they hear we have five daughters is, "how will you pay for all those weddings?" Um? What year is this? I usually reply that we'll help get them through college--weddings are up to them. The whole thing makes me crazy. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura K (NC) Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 wedding fantasy. I didn't get to dress up any little girls of my own. I'm not dressing up anyone else's little princess unless it's my own granddaughter. I can tell you right now that a bride's idea of a fairytale wedding and a groom's idea of a fairytale wedding are quite different. I can pay for a keg and pretzels and oreos and rent a big screen TV. What would that be, maybe $200? They've already got a big screen TV at our church hall, so knock that down $50. Yep, that's affordable. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I think it is up to each family to decide what to do. I personally would assist in any way I could for any of my children. I find it archaic that one side would be granted the burden of paying just as I find the whole dowry thing archaic. I am also not against children chipping in -- especially if they have expensive tastes. I personally told my parents I was going to pay for my own wedding. They had paid for my expensive college, and I didn't want to burden them. I was working and living at home, there was no reason why I shouldn't pay for it. My husband and I made it the absolute perfect wedding for the two of us. My parents gave us a monetary gift in the end equal to the cost. Incidentally, we have all boys, but we will probably give a monetary gift as well to help with the expense. My husband and I were not ones to go in debt over one day of our lives, rather we put very much emphasis on the message and meaning of the wedding. We are bringing up our boys to be good stewards of money as well. Whether we had boys or girls, we would never financially support a ridiculously expensive wedding, and I find it rude of children -- whether man or woman -- to ask that of anyone. If they want to live lavishly, they will have to fund that lifestyle, in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I have no idea what the total was, but probably around $25,000 Wowzers! What a nice downpayment that would have made on a house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2att Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Has anyone else heard of this "trend?" My niece is getting married in August. My sis and bil are contributing 10K toward the big day, and the groom's parents are contributing the same. Don't know how much the bride and groom are contributing, though probably something since both are out of college and have careers. The cost of these things boggles my mind. I'm sure my niece surpassed my $1,500 wedding budget just in the fancy engagement pictures they had taken. Of course, I got married 16 years ago, but that was a pittance to spend even then--I didn't know there was any other way to do a reception than just cake and punch in the church reception hall! If I had it to do over again, I'd spend even less, with only our nearest and dearest in attendance. My 12-year-old dd will be going to dear niece's wedding with me this summer--I'll have to tell her to not get any ideas, unless she's planning on footing the bill herself, or marrying into a very wealthy family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof10 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 the mother of the bride told him that she "googled" it and he's supposed to pay for all of the flowers (we knew the bride's flowers...), plus a few other things that I was always raised were traditionally the bride's family's responsibility. He paid the bills - said he'd rather not start WW III with his new mother-in-law, but he was a little ticked when she was telling how much they were spending and that he was getting away with nothing. The only problem is, when you tallied up what he spent personally, and what our family spent on the rehearsal dinner and our part of the wedding, our family actually paid as much. I'm just thankful that it wasn't a major event like some I've heard of. The whole wedding was probably less than some bride's dresses I've heard about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm curious as to how broad this trend is or isn't. In our extended family, the parents of the groom-to-be have been told by the mother of the bride-to-be that the new trend is for the groom's family to go halves on the wedding. Bride-to-be and mother of the bride-to-be both conceive of the wedding day as the day when the bride gets to live out a costly princess fantasy. Groom's parents have not laid aside tens of thousands of dollars for fairy tale weddings, and have said as much. Has anyone else heard of this "trend?" What a way to start a marriage and relationship with the in-laws! When I got married, I really did not want to spend big bucks on 3 or 4 hours of my life and so it's hard for me to imagine that choice. As the mother of 4 boys, I'm sure hoping this trend isn't really the up and coming thing. :001_huh: I don't know if it's a "trend" but I've heard of it before. I don't think it's a *bad* idea, but I wouldn't want to be hit for a bill for half of a a "fantasy wedding." I have no problem with people spending their money on what they want -- but I don't want to spend my money on something they want. I come from a family of cheapskates -- we're "elopers." I hope that's not a generation-skipping thing. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Around here the trend is towards the parents giving a certain amount of money to the couple in order to spend it as they choose. If they want a fairy-tale wedding, the couple can fork over the difference. This tends to make the couple a little more reasonable in their wedding day expectations. As the mom of four boys, this sounds like a great idea to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in IL Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 And what other costly princess fantasies will the bride (and her mother) come up with after they are married? Which fairy tale does she want to live in? Sounds like a high maintenance wife. We won't be able to do that when my boys get married. We will be retiring while the younger one is still in college. Living on social security won't pay for any fantasies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmy Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I don't know if I'd call it a trend but I certainly think it's more common to have both sets of parents chip in these days. It hardly seems fair to have one set of parents get off scott-free simply because they had boys rather than girls. I think where you run into trouble of course is that whoever is paying gets control and if both sets of parents are paying then it's harder to make decisions. One set of parents might feel it's absolutely necessary to offer a dinner dance reception while the other set of parents feel no such obligation. In that instance the parents that don't want to the dinner-dance reception certainly aren't going to want to help pay for it. Splitting the bill 50/50 just makes it harder in many ways. It's probably easier to go the traditional route so that the person wanting to make all the choices about the wedding (typically the bride) is negotiating those costs with her own parents rather than her future in laws. But I certainly think it would be generous for the groom's parents to chip in since it can be so expensive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof10 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 the groom and his family don't get off "scott-free" even though that's how it's traditionally seen. There are a lot of the parts of the whole wedding package that the groom and his family traditionally pay for. Ask me how I know. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I have been thinking about this a little more, and don't really see why paying for a wedding is different than anything else we give money toward for our children. Let's say our children want/need a car. How many families just say, "Honey -- go pick out whatever car your little heart desires, and we'll pay for it all." No, we may pay for an inexpensive used car or may contribute some money toward it. Regardless of "tradition," I still think wisdom should be used. And, I hope I will have raised my boys to understand the value of a dollar. In fact, I think it is because my son has worked so hard through the last several years that he truly does appreciate the value of a dollar. When everything is given so freely, it is usually not appreciated as much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 wedding fantasy. I can tell you right now that a bride's idea of a fairytale wedding and a groom's idea of a fairytale wedding are quite different. I can pay for a keg and pretzels and oreos and rent a big screen TV. What would that be, maybe $200? They've already got a big screen TV at our church hall, so knock that down $50. Yep, that's affordable. :glare: Not to mention that he will want to be in comfortable clothes--which means clothes he already owns and has worn several times. Yep. I think that would be really affordable! Well, you'd probably have to figure in pizza, but still. Maybe WE can start a new trend: Groom's fantasy weddings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 I have been thinking about this a little more, and don't really see why paying for a wedding is different than anything else we give money toward for our children. Let's say our children want/need a car. How many families just say, "Honey -- go pick out whatever car your little heart desires, and we'll pay for it all." No, we may pay for an inexpensive used car or may contribute some money toward it. . I think this is a really good point and the crux of the issue. When the bride's family paid all, if the bride had fantasy dreams, it was between her and her parents. But if the bride has dreams of a Ferrari wedding, and then assumes the groom's parents will ante up, that's where the trouble comes in. It's a bad way to start an extended family life together if the groom's parents are not Ferrari people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 I do find it odd that the bride's side is telling the groom's side how it's gonna be and how much they need to spend. I've assumed that the bride's family paying for it is a holdover from the whole "dowry" tradition of the bride's family having to come up with money for the groom to take her.:001_huh: I think the couple should decide how much they can contribute, how much parent's offer to contribute (willingly, and not being begged to give more money) and plan the wedding around that budget. I agree that your idea to start with the available budget and plan from there is a good one. I'm going to file that away for the future! While bride's family paying might have started from the dowry tradition, if the model includes the bride calling the shots, it does still make sense to me from the point of view of negotiating costs being easier with one's own parents than with future in-laws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 But if the bride has dreams of a Ferrari wedding, and then assumes the groom's parents will ante up, that's where the trouble comes in. It's a bad way to start an extended family life together if the groom's parents are not Ferrari people. And another question is -- where does the groom stand on all of this? Doesn't he have any say in the wedding? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura K (NC) Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 My own wedding reception was at "Otto's Haufbrau House" in Pittsburgh, PA. My idea of a fantasy wedding was pierogies and bratwurst and a dining room small enough that there could be no dancing and no garter-throwing. It was going to be an intimate affair of about 70 people, except that my husband's family is huge (he has 16 aunts and uncles) and they just kept coming through the door (uninvited, I might add). Pretty soon Otto was pulling brats out of the freezer. At least they were teetotalers! :banghead: And my in-laws just showed up for the wedding. They paid for no flowers, no rehearsal dinner, no nothing. They didn't even show up for the rehearsal. Bless their ever-lovin' hearts... weddings just aren't their thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 6, 2008 Author Share Posted April 6, 2008 LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 I've never heard of that. But then again, I've never been a fan of fancy weddings. When I married the first time, it was in my sister's house and I got a dress on clearance for $180. Even that seemed expensive for a dress I'd wear only once!! BTW, that dress went to good will at some point. My second marriage was at the courthouse and the only expense was the courthouse fee. :) I know someone that paid $25,000 for her daughter's wedding because the inlaws are very wealthy and she felt a need to present a show. I was floored! I wouldn't even pay that for a car! We won't be paying for a wedding for our kids. We will also not pay for college or automobiles. My DH and I consider all those things to be adult responsibilities that our children will take on when they feel ready to do so. They aren't obligations of being parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 I don't know about the "fairy tale" stuff, but it makes perfect sense to me that both families contribute. It was lovely, and while I probably would do some things differently now, at 22 we were very happy with the wedding. When my sons grow up and get married, I expect that if I want to invite my friends (which I will!), I'll have to contribute some money. I totally agree with Kay, here. I know when my sisters and I got married, the grooms' families paid for half. (Actually, in my older sister's case, the groom's family probably paid for the whole thing.) The grooms' families volunteered. I remember hearing my own mother-in-law offer to pay for half of the wedding. I didn't have a big wedding, but my sisters both did. They were wonderful events and I think money well spent. We all had a wonderful time and great memories. I think money spent on wonderful memories is never wasted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 We won't be paying for a wedding for our kids. We will also not pay for college or automobiles. My DH and I consider all those things to be adult responsibilities that our children will take on when they feel ready to do so. They aren't obligations of being parents. :iagree: Sing it, sister! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 I totally agree with Kay, here. I know when my sisters and I got married, the grooms' families paid for half. (Actually, in my older sister's case, the groom's family probably paid for the whole thing.) The grooms' families volunteered. I remember hearing my own mother-in-law offer to pay for half of the wedding. I didn't have a big wedding, but my sisters both did. They were wonderful events and I think money well spent. We all had a wonderful time and great memories. I think money spent on wonderful memories is never wasted. Agreeing here too. When my dh & I planned our wedding, we set a budget together & then asked both families if they would help out (which they had already offered anyway). We (dh & I as a couple) paid for a third, my mom paid a third, and dh's parents paid a third. It was lovely & there were no ruffled feathers. And, that way, it was w/in everyone's budget. It turned out to be a wonderful day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly IN Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 My wedding was very nice but traditional. No fairy tales. :001_smile: Simple but elegant. I loved it. My mil wanted a catered meal and we said no. (My parents and I) We did tell her she can pay for it if she wanted it. She let it go. I am scared of what will happen when my sons marry. Will we be forced to pay for half if some thinks this is the trend? I can understand in helping to pay for the wedding if they are young but if they are in their 30's or 40's that is another thing. I think it depends on the ages. However I hope that all will share if it is reasonable though. However if the bride wants an big, fancy wedding with bells and whistles then no we will pay what is reasonable and the rest is up to her and her family. That is the way I want to play that. Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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