Do you think this is rude IRL? Do you think it's rude on FB?

[Laurie4b]

I was brought up that if you had a party composed of some people but not others in your broader social group then neither host nor guests were supposed to talk about the party in front of others in the larger group. So if you were on a sports team and had 4 out of 12 teammates over for a birthday dinner, none of you talked about it outside of the four of you. Do you think it's rude IRL to talk about a social gathering to people who might have been included but weren't?

 

On FB people post photos all the time of parties, etc. that they've had and everyone in their social group (I don't mean the FB "friends" network, but their IRL acquaintances who are FB friends) can see who did what with whom and what they weren't invited to. Do you think that is rude when it is done on FB?

 

I'm always a bit flabbergasted that people would do this. How do you feel about it?

 

ETA: I was asking more from the point of view of if you think it's rude to do it, not whether your personal feelings are hurt by it. Would you do it knowing some people's feelings are hurt by it even if there are others who don't care?

Edited May 25, 2010 by Laurie4b1

[Daisy]

I think this is a case of some people (including you and I obviously) still have those kinds of manners, but I am no longer surprised that most people are lacking in this particular social grace.

 

I personally would never do such a thing, however, I *choose* not to take it personally when others post pictures of their parties on FB or talk about their gatherings in front of me.

 

Unless, of course, I'm pmsing. Then all bets are off. :D

[Danestress]

I'm sure it really depends on the circumstances, and there are times this would be very hurtful, especially in a small group.

 

But overall, I think adults understand that some people are better friends with others. I am not surprised or hurt when my neighbors get together and don't invite me. There are a lot of people they didn't invite, you know? I don't feel like just because we are friends, I have to be on equal footing with their even better friends. It would hurt if all the neighbors got together and purposefully left me out, but more likely, they just included their very favorites, and I frankly and not on the "A team." It's okay. I am an adult.

 

Likewise, if I have friends from church, I understand that they might get together without me. There were probably a number of people who weren't invited but consider themselves friends - I'm just one of them. Again, B team, not A team.

[MyThreeSons]

This has been a touchy issue with me over the years. I was taught similar to what you describe, but it's obviously not the norm anymore.

 

I have been speaking with someone one-on-one after church, had a third person interrupt our conversation to invite the other person out to lunch, and watched the two of them go off, leaving me standing there wondering what just happened.

 

But as another poster said, I try to not take it personally anymore. I do use it as a teaching opportunity with my boys, hoping it will help them to be more compassionate.

[Night Elf]

Before the fact, yes.

After the fact, no. That would require a vow of secrecy from everyone involved which is really weird and not at all realistic.

[Laurie4b]

Before the fact, yes.

After the fact, no. That would require a vow of secrecy from everyone involved which is really weird and not at all realistic.

 

I wasn't talking about a vow of secrecy; rather, discretion and not being in people's faces about it. Obviously, FB is in people's faces but in an impersonal way.

 

I wondered how people thought about it now and whether it was different in person.

[Jennifer in NH]

I think it is rude. 3 of my sisters get together once a month for lunch and always advertise about it on FB and never invite me or another sister..but then chat away about their wonderful lunch with their sisters etc... very rude in my opinion, no matter what the reason is for their excluding us, it does seem to be rubbing salt in the wounds, and I expect better from women in their 50's.

 

I would feel the same way if it was someone else I knew IRL and it seemed in your face, "we had a great time..too bad you weren't invited. "

 

ETA: But I'm not bitter or anything. lol:lol:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I dunno. To me it doesn't seem rude in the slightest for someone to post, "Had the X Group get-together at my house tonight. Great food, great people, great time!"

 

I mean, I have people on my FB from most of the states in the union and overseas locations. I'm supposed to invite every single person I know to every shindig I throw?! :confused:

[HeidiKC]

I do not like the party pic FB postings at all, but it isn't usually the adult ones that bother me. I think it is totally inappropriate for people to post birthday party photos of their kids' parties, especially when it isn't a big birthday party. I know friends whose kids were guests at the parties, and THEY felt really uncomfortable that the photos were posted since there were other kids who were not invited. I feel like my feelings are hurt more easily for my kids than for myself not being invited to something.

 

I think it is so weird when a friend will announce on FB, "looking forward to a fun moms' night tonight" or even worse, when the reference the group as in name of school or church, etc. and I am a member of the group. I REALLY am tempted to comment and say something like, "sorry I will miss it"!

 

Anyway, I have no idea where people's manners are in either case. How can they think it is ok to post photos of a special sleepover birthday with only 4 girls when all the other moms are FB friends who will see it???!

[Night Elf]

I wasn't talking about a vow of secrecy; rather, discretion and not being in people's faces about it. Obviously, FB is in people's faces but in an impersonal way.

 

I wondered how people thought about it now and whether it was different in person.

 

I remember being a child and finding out about a get-together or a party after it happened. I'd hear girls talking about it. In high school, girls would have pictures of parties and get-togethers. I don't think things are any different today than they were. What I do find rude is handing out invitations where others can see they are clearly excluded, or talking about a party and saying specifically that someone isn't invited where others can hear them. But really, the people who attended the party should be able to talk about it and share pictures. After the party, if people talk about how so-and-so wasn't invited and/or they are glad someone specific didn't show, I would consider that rude.

[anewday]

I agree 100% with the OP.

[anewday]

This has been a touchy issue with me over the years. I was taught similar to what you describe, but it's obviously not the norm anymore.

 

I have been speaking with someone one-on-one after church, had a third person interrupt our conversation to invite the other person out to lunch, and watched the two of them go off, leaving me standing there wondering what just happened.

 

But as another poster said, I try to not take it personally anymore. I do use it as a teaching opportunity with my boys, hoping it will help them to be more compassionate.

 

Ditto this too (and have had the invite in front of me happen too).

[Entropymama]

I think the key is discretion, obviously.

 

I once threw a candle party to which I invited a friend. She told me she didn't want to come because her husband had lost his job and she didn't want to be tempted to buy anything. The next day I found her pics and description of a night out at a ball game and dinner. So much for being broke, eh?

 

But I chose not to get offended. So she didn't want to come, oh well!

 

Maybe it's rude, but people post things about their lives and I don't think we can take it personally.

[Peela]

I think "rude" is a fairly subjective thing and I choose to take responsibility for my own responses to things (escept when I am PMSing as another poster admitted to, when I am more likely to be over sensitive).

However...if people did that and I would have expected to be invited...I would be hurt and probably reassess the level of our friendship. Most of the time, I am not hurt because I didnt expect to be considered part of that friend's inner circle, so discussing it in front of me wouldnt bother me.

I think though that some poeple are more socially conscious in that way than others, and I am not so.

[Nestof3]

It honestly doesn't bother me a bit in real life or on Facebook. I figure people have different degrees of friends (as do I). If I only wanted three friends over, there were three I would choose. If it were expanded to six, I'd choose three others. It doesn't hurt my feelings a bit that others would feel the same way about me.

 

For instance, we have a monthly homeschool group. If I found out that three of the ladies met for dinner, I would think, "Wow -- that sounds like fun -- perhaps I'll initiate something like that sometime." I wouldn't think, "Hmpf -- thanks for not inviting me." I would figure that those people are closer to one another than they are to me. If I desired a closer relationship, I would reach out to them more.

 

I just wanted to add that if I feel like people are overlooking me as a possible great friend or someone to hang out with, my first response is to ask myself if I am part of the reason. I ask myself if I am enjoyable to be around, if I make others feel better. I don't stress about it or anything, but I figure there may be a reason, so I think on it some.

Edited May 25, 2010 by nestof3

[RanchGirl]

For kids in the same class or on the same team, yes children should be taught discretion to preserve other kids' feelings. But for grown-ups, no it's not rude at all. Some of my FB friends are close friends, some are friends but not super close. I would never expect each of them to invite me to every event they host or be secretive to avoid hurting my feelings.

[Nestof3]

Perhaps she honestly felt that the time with those people (maybe even her husband was there and enjoyed the boost in spirit) was more important than a candle. Honestly, a lot of those sorts of parties where you feel pressured to buy something can be stressful, because if a person really wanted "such and such," she would probably put it on her shopping list. She may have felt that she would feel obligated to buy something.

 

I really don't lile parties like that either unless it's for stamps, and I stopped going to Stampin Up parties because their product is much more expensive compared to what I can get from Hero Arts (and yes, they are a USA company).

 

I think the key is discretion, obviously.

 

I once threw a candle party to which I invited a friend. She told me she didn't want to come because her husband had lost his job and she didn't want to be tempted to buy anything. The next day I found her pics and description of a night out at a ball game and dinner. So much for being broke, eh?

 

But I chose not to get offended. So she didn't want to come, oh well!

 

Maybe it's rude, but people post things about their lives and I don't think we can take it personally.

[tex-mex]

It honestly doesn't bother me a bit in real life or on Facebook. I figure people have different degrees of friends (as do I). If I only wanted three friends over, there were three I would choose. If it were expanded to six, I'd choose three others. It doesn't hurt my feelings a bit that others would feel the same way about me.

 

For instance, we have a monthly homeschool group. If I found out that three of the ladies met for dinner, I would think, "Wow -- that sounds like fun -- perhaps I'll initiate something like that sometime." I wouldn't think, "Hmpf -- thanks for not inviting me." I would figure that those people are closer to one another than they are to me. If I desired a closer relationship, I would reach out to them more.

 

I just wanted to add that if I feel like people are overlooking me as a possible great friend or someone to hang out with, my first response is to ask myself if I am part of the reason. I ask myself if I am enjoyable to be around, if I make others feel better. I don't stress about it or anything, but I figure there may be a reason, so I think on it some.

:iagree:When that happens on FB, I think it is great others get-to-gether. I am not narcissistic to think the world revolves around me. Some folks do stuff without me. And it is fine. If I were to behave like my feelings got hurt -- then I should be back in junior high or delete my FB account.

Edited May 25, 2010 by tex-mex

[Jean in Newcastle]

:iagree:When that happens on FB, I think it is great others get-to-gether. I am not narcissistic to think the world revolves around me. Some folks do stuff without me. And it is fine. If I were to behave like my feelings got hurt -- then I should be back in junior high or delete my FB account.

 

Ouch - that's rather harsh to the OP, isn't it?

[Tohru]

FB got too annoying and impersonal for me. I actually did delete my FB account because I was spending too much time out of touch with my IRL friends. Weird, I know since FB is suppose to keep people in touch. lol!

 

Anyway I also have noticed that some people will intentionally do the things the OP was discussing to other FB friends. I'm not really sure why though. Sometimes it's even rude comments passive aggressively posted in a status update targeted at some one else.

Edited May 25, 2010 by jadedone80

[Tohru]

It honestly doesn't bother me a bit in real life or on Facebook. I figure people have different degrees of friends (as do I). If I only wanted three friends over, there were three I would choose. If it were expanded to six, I'd choose three others. It doesn't hurt my feelings a bit that others would feel the same way about me.

 

For instance, we have a monthly homeschool group. If I found out that three of the ladies met for dinner, I would think, "Wow -- that sounds like fun -- perhaps I'll initiate something like that sometime." I wouldn't think, "Hmpf -- thanks for not inviting me." I would figure that those people are closer to one another than they are to me. If I desired a closer relationship, I would reach out to them more.

 

I just wanted to add that if I feel like people are overlooking me as a possible great friend or someone to hang out with, my first response is to ask myself if I am part of the reason. I ask myself if I am enjoyable to be around, if I make others feel better. I don't stress about it or anything, but I figure there may be a reason, so I think on it some.

 

:iagree: Couldn't have said it better.

[TCoppock]

I do not like the party pic FB postings at all, but it isn't usually the adult ones that bother me. I think it is totally inappropriate for people to post birthday party photos of their kids' parties, especially when it isn't a big birthday party. I know friends whose kids were guests at the parties, and THEY felt really uncomfortable that the photos were posted since there were other kids who were not invited. I feel like my feelings are hurt more easily for my kids than for myself not being invited to something.

 

I think it is so weird when a friend will announce on FB, "looking forward to a fun moms' night tonight" or even worse, when the reference the group as in name of school or church, etc. and I am a member of the group. I REALLY am tempted to comment and say something like, "sorry I will miss it"!

 

Anyway, I have no idea where people's manners are in either case. How can they think it is ok to post photos of a special sleepover birthday with only 4 girls when all the other moms are FB friends who will see it???!

 

I could never be invited to another party and it wouldn't bother me. However, I find it VERY rude when children are left out of things. I also find it rude that parents don't teach there children to respect others feeling and not talk about events others were not invited to in front of them. For instance, we attended a rather small co-op this year and in my sons grade there we maybe 8 boys. There was a group of them maybe 4 or 5 that would always get together and then brodcast it to the others. I realize these boys' mothers were close and they spent time outside of the group together, but the constant rubbing it in the others face that they weren't included was too much. I understand if maybe the kids were around 5 and didn't know any better, but these were 10 year olds and should have known better. :glare:

 

Honestly I'm not sure how I would feel about the FB thing. I think the problem is people "friend" people who really aren't true friends so the atmosphere is different. I mean when someone has 200 "friends" and maybe 10 of those people they see regularly then of course most people won't be invited. I don't really see the need to post for the other 190 people to see either though. Not saying that in this case it is necessarily rude just kind of odd to me. My son isn't allowed on FB so I am not too concerned about other childrens birthdays and such being posted.

[joannqn]

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Some of my friends on Facebook are people I've never even met in real life. Many, if not most, of them don't live locally. Many of the local ones are from different groups or social circles so I wouldn't necessarily see them all together anyway. I guess my friends, in real life and online, are very compartmentalized. I don't think any of them would feel slighted if I talked about having a party with friends from a different social circle. I know it doesn't bother me when my friends mention things they do with friends they have from other social circles.

[teachermom2834]

It is true that many people on facebook are friends with all kinds of people they wouldn't get together with in real life. It doesn't bother me at all when people I am not close to post about their social outings.

 

BUT, there is the circumstance where you thought you were close and would be invited. That is kind of weird. I recently had an experience where some friends had a girls weekend away that I read about on FB. It's not that I thought I would/ should be invited but it did hurt some.

 

It makes me concerned for the young people with FB accounts. We are adults and can take it in stride but I can only imagine the drama for middle school/ high school kids dealing with it. I know it has always gone on but FB amps it up quite a bit, IMO.

[Mom0012]

I don't do facebook so I don't understand the dynamics there, but I definitely think it's rude IRL.

 

Lisa

[angela in ohio]

I think people are rude in all sorts of ways on FB, but this is one of the biggest.

 

I really don't think that courtesy is taught anymore in general, though, as I have seen more and more of this IRL, too. I have taught my dc carefully to not mention things that leave out a person who is in the conversation, and they are always embarrassed because other children do, and they don't know how to respond (I recommended a swift elbow to the ribs, but unfortunately, someone raised them better than that. :D)

[angela in ohio]

I once threw a candle party to which I invited a friend. She told me she didn't want to come because her husband had lost his job and she didn't want to be tempted to buy anything. The next day I found her pics and description of a night out at a ball game and dinner. So much for being broke, eh?

 

I wouldn't take it personally. No offense, but I always think of some way to get out of parties like that. :D There was a whole thread about that here recently. :001_smile:

[dragons in the flower bed]

I think it's upsetting and inevitable on Facebook and IRL.

[elegantlion]

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Some of my friends on Facebook are people I've never even met in real life. Many, if not most, of them don't live locally. Many of the local ones are from different groups or social circles so I wouldn't necessarily see them all together anyway. I guess my friends, in real life and online, are very compartmentalized. I don't think any of them would feel slighted if I talked about having a party with friends from a different social circle. I know it doesn't bother me when my friends mention things they do with friends they have from other social circles.

 

:iagree: For kids it's one thing to be excluded, we've felt that. I've found it to be a teaching moment, that even in a group some kids are going to be better friends than others. If a get together is a "group get together" I expect my ds to be invited, if it's just friends or a social outing with part of the group my feelings vary. Are we a part of a group or do we socialize together outside of the group?

 

I agree about levels of friendships. IMO if you are a member of a group anything labeled a group activity should invite all members of that group. However, if you want to have a personal get together with only a few members it's another issue.

[Laurie4b]

What I am talking about is when people within the same social circle as other people on their FB post about getting together but some within that social circle are left out. I personally don't care when I'm not invited , but I do see it as rude.

[Parrothead]

I think people are rude in all sorts of ways on FB, but this is one of the biggest.

 

I really don't think that courtesy is taught anymore in general, though, as I have seen more and more of this IRL, too. I have taught my dc carefully to not mention things that leave out a person who is in the conversation, and they are always embarrassed because other children do, and they don't know how to respond (I recommended a swift elbow to the ribs, but unfortunately, someone raised them better than that. :D)

I so wholeheartedly agree. I know I'm guilty of bad manners myself especially over the internet.

[Murphy101]

I remember being a child and finding out about a get-together or a party after it happened. I'd hear girls talking about it. In high school, girls would have pictures of parties and get-togethers. I don't think things are any different today than they were.

:iagree:

 

 

I once threw a candle party to which I invited a friend. She told me she didn't want to come because her husband had lost his job and she didn't want to be tempted to buy anything. The next day I found her pics and description of a night out at a ball game and dinner. So much for being broke, eh?

 

oh geez. I guess you asked her about it right? Bc otherwise you don't know anything. My dh gets free tickers almost every month. And even so, if my dh (who is just now having a contract after a year of unemployment) decides he needs to seriously destress, yeah call me crazy but I'm going to support him instead of a candle party. She may not have even known in advance. Just last Saturday my dh surprised me by calling at 10pm on his way home from work to ask if I felt we could leave the older two boys to watch the sleeping youngers while we stepped out for an hour. That's very rare and I sure wasn't turning him down!

 

I am rarely invited anywhere. Our funds are tight and 95% of the time I take all my kids, 99% I take at least the baby and most people don't want to invite kids or all 10-11 of us. Those who know me, know they can speak honestly to me about how to accomodate a large family and that I can understand only some are invited.

 

Rather than be hurt, I prefer to just be happy to see other people happy.

 

To anyone who has ever read my blog or FB and felt hurt bc they aren't in the picture - you know my number. Quit griping, give me a call and we'll have coffee or something.:D

[Laurie4b]

Ouch - that's rather harsh to the OP, isn't it?

 

It's not harsh to me. I don't care about not being invited personally. I just think it's a rude thing to do. I would never post photos of me getting together with part of a specific social group in which there were some people who might feel left out. And I wouldn't talk about a party I had had to someone who wasn't invited who might have expected to be. It's one thing if I invite my teammates for a party --then members of my book club wouldn't be offended. But it's another if I post A photo where "the cool" teammates were invited and a few were left out. IMO.

 

This post was prompted by a photo on FB last night that I know will hurt the feelings of someone whom I know.

[fivetails]

 

Anyway, I have no idea where people's manners are in either case. How can they think it is ok to post photos of a special sleepover birthday with only 4 girls when all the other moms are FB friends who will see it???!

 

Huh?

 

So my daughter would be expected to invite every.single.child of my friends?

 

If we don't invite everyone, we can't ever show photos?

 

I think I'm missing something here. People don't always hang out with *everyone* at the same time....

[angela in ohio]

Like most manners, this one shouldn't be about being forced to follow it. It should naturally follow from concern for others' feelings. I teach my dc "I'll try not to hurt your feelings, and I'll forgive you if you hurt mine." Showing the photos would go against the first part of it, imho If you have friends whom you know wouldn't be hurt by it, then it would be fine.

[angela in ohio]

I so wholeheartedly agree. I know I'm guilty of bad manners myself especially over the internet.

 

It's much easier in real life, where you can see the :001_huh: or :confused: on someone's face and apologize. On the internet, it's harder to tell.

[Orthodox6]

I think it worse to post photographs of people without first obtaining their explicit permission to have themselves plastered across the Internet.

 

If it is possible that IRL friends might be hurt, it seems crude to do this.

Edited May 25, 2010 by Orthodox6

[angela in ohio]

I think it worse to post photographs of people without first obtaining their explicit permission to have themselves plastered across the Internet. )

 

Wow! I thought I was the only person who was bothered by this!

[Jenny in GA]

I constantly see a group of my FB friends (we all know each other from a certain club we used to be in) referring to something they did together that day, or how they're all GOING to get together, etc. I am never invited to any of these functions.

 

I don't think it's rude, but it does make me feel a little bit bad. The worst thing is that I was the President of this club, so that makes it seem particularly noticeable that they are all getting together socially many many times without EVER inviting me to join them.

 

Here's one thing I thought was really rude:

A couple years ago I was in a rather large playgroup consisting of about twenty families. Every Monday afternoon they met at a park or someone's house (although not all twenty families would come every time.)

 

When it was my Monday to host it, I was really looking forward to seeing everybody (I had not been able to come for several weeks.) Surpiringly, everybody was RSVPing that they could not come. Finally one person told me privately that "Mary," one of the other women in the group, was having her's son's birthday party that same afternoon, and most of the people in the group were attending.

 

I still get angry thinking about that years later. She KNEW the whole group always had something scheduled on Mondays, she KNEW I was inviting the group over that particular Monday, and yet she had the nerve to invite almost everybody (but not me!!) to a party during that time slot. OUCH!!

 

Jenny

[NanceXToo]

As kids, I don't think you should be allowed to, say, go to youth group or girl scouts or school and hand out invitations to only some kids and not others right where those other kids can see it and feel excluded.

 

As adults, though, I think you can socialize with whoever you want to socialize with and don't have to invite every single person in your broader group every time you want to have a get together.

 

I also don't consider it rude to post/blog etc about your get together after the fact on facebook or myspace or your blog or whatever.

[Jenny in GA]

Huh?

 

So my daughter would be expected to invite every.single.child of my friends?

 

If we don't invite everyone, we can't ever show photos?

 

I think I'm missing something here. People don't always hang out with *everyone* at the same time....

 

 

I think the problem is not so much "We didn't invite everybody we know" but rather "we invited almost everybody from a particular social group, but left out one or two people who are in that group."

 

For example, if my daughter had a birthday party and invited every girl from her SS class except one, and then I posted pictures where EVERYBODY involved with that SS class could see them, yes it does seem rude -- or at least thoughtless.

 

Jenny

[Jenny in GA]

I think people are rude in all sorts of ways on FB, but this is one of the biggest.

 

 

 

What are some of those other ways? I'd like to know so I don't inadvertently do them!

 

Jenny

[simka2]

If the context is FB than NO I don't think it is rude at all!!! It is meant to be a public social forum. I have real problems with living my life so as not to "offend" or hurt someones feelings.Please understand....I am not condoneing rudeness in group settings, but FB is way to impersonal. Now, I don't think kids should hand out certain invites to some kids and not others...but that's in person.

 

As to posting kids photos of parties...yes you need to get permission, but I don't understand why someones kids would be on their FB account looking at their mother's friends photo's. Come on...

[Jenny in GA]

Sheesh, this thread is dredging up a lot of times I've been hurt!

 

Here's another rude thing that happened to me: I was about to switch jobs, and told a female co-worker who I was mildly friendly with that I would really like to have lunch with her before I left. So made plans to go to lunch together that Tuesday.

 

Tuesday, about ten minutes before we were supposed to leave, she came up to my cubicle looking uncomfortable. "Umm ... can we re-schedule for tomorrow?" she said. "I just found out that today is the Macy's one-day sale, and I really want to go to that. Is that okay?"

 

I remember finding that question really stupid. What a fun lunch that would have been if I'd said, "NO, that would upset me, we should still go to lunch like we planned!"

 

Of course I told her to go ahead and go, no problem. It was a little disappointing to me that she would do that, but not a huge deal.

 

A few minutes later I saw her and another female co-worker gather their purses and head out the door together.

 

Wow. They must have really disliked me if they couldn't even suggest I attend the **** sale WITH them!

 

Jenny

[angela in ohio]

What are some of those other ways? I'd like to know so I don't inadvertently do them!

 

Jenny

 

People will make comments that I don't really think they'd make IRL to someone - backhanded, supposed to be funny comments. It hasn't happened to me, as I don't post much besides chatting with my cousins and posting pictures for family, but I have seen friends cut down, and I've talked to them IRL about how it hurt. That's another good reason to be more selective aobut who you 'friend' though.

 

Then there's the whole lack of humility issue that pops up regularly.

 

As Orthodox6 mentioned, the photo issue.

 

People posting things that aren't necessarily talked about in polite company IRL.

 

You have to remember that I am old and stuffy on manners, though. :D

 

I personally have a love/hate relationship with FB. I signed off because I was sick of seeing my IRL peers acting so ill-mannered and was afraid I'd be sucked into it, then I signed on again because it's my only chance to stay in touch with some of my cousins outside of yearly holiday parties. Recently dh had to fire someone for their FB behavior (yes, you employer/ future employer will hear if you put something inappropriate on FB,) which made me wonder whether I should be on it. I wanted to keep up with it, so that I would not be one of those clueless parents, but I've seen enough to know we won't be letting dc on anytime soon.

[Crissy]

Anyway, I have no idea where people's manners are in either case. How can they think it is ok to post photos of a special sleepover birthday with only 4 girls when all the other moms are FB friends who will see it???!

 

Situations like this make me wonder if what I've been hearing about parents is true. That they are living vicariously through their children.

All of the other moms are FB friends with the hostess of the party, she posts pictures and...then what?

The other moms are offended on behalf of their children? Do they show the pictures to the children so the children are properly offended as well?

I think moms are far too sensitive about whether or not their children are included in everything.

[HeidiKC]

Huh?

 

So my daughter would be expected to invite every.single.child of my friends?

 

If we don't invite everyone, we can't ever show photos?

 

I think I'm missing something here. People don't always hang out with *everyone* at the same time....

 

Certainly no one is expected to invite everyone. I just think that on FB people either aren't thinking or something when they post these photos. If I had a daughter (I don't!) and she had a birthday sleepover party with just 4 friends and I took photos...I would not share those photos with other moms who were good friends of mine whose daughters are also in the same class or wider social circle because I think it would feel a bit like rubbing it in her face and how could she not feel a little sad for her daughter, even if she wasn't best friends for the birthday girl? I don't think most people would share photos with someone like that.

 

BUT for some reason they don't see it as a problem sharing them on FB. I think they should just share them with parents of the guests and maybe family (and you can select who sees the photos, so that is an option). I just don't really see the point in sharing them with all your FB friends, some of whom may be good friends with daughters in the class.

 

And I think more importantly...these photos are obviously hurting some people's feelings or perceived as rude, as evidenced by this thread. So it seems to me that it's better to error on the side of caution and not risk hurting people. I guess I just don't get why people post photos of parties and social get-togethers. Family photos are completely different.

[HeidiKC]

but I don't understand why someones kids would be on their FB account looking at their mother's friends photo's. Come on...

 

I don't think it's that. But as someone said - what if your kid was the only one of a group left out of the photos? So your kid doesn't see the photos, but doesn't it hurt YOU for your child? It would me!

[Crissy]

I don't think it's that. But as someone said - what if your kid was the only one of a group left out of the photos? So your kid doesn't see the photos, but doesn't it hurt YOU for your child? It would me!

 

Nope. I don't get that.

We agree that *everyone* can't be included in *everything*, but we're hurt when we are among those who can't do something?

 

Why can't we just say, "Wow. Looks like everyone had a great time. Wish her a happy birthday for us"?

[SnowWhite]

Like most manners, this one shouldn't be about being forced to follow it. It should naturally follow from concern for others' feelings. I teach my dc "I'll try not to hurt your feelings, and I'll forgive you if you hurt mine." Showing the photos would go against the first part of it, imho If you have friends whom you know wouldn't be hurt by it, then it would be fine.

 

It's something I'm sort of used to IRL... it seems like there is a group of people who never get invited to much of anything (unless it is a function where EVERYBODY is welcome) and we fit into it.

 

nestof3, Now I am REALLY on edge, because you're implying it's my own fault? As far as I know I'm friendly and fun to be around... I surely hope that I am.

 

What really aggravates me is that there are a few people who seem to "flaunt" their busy social agenda "Really enjoyed our great time frolicking with the MOST WONDERFUL friends last night." When your family is never the one mentioned there, it sort of starts to make you have a complex.