What are your expectations of your daughters-in-law?

[jld]

I'm reading a book right now on what families expect of dils in India, and am wondering what American families would say they expect of dils. Your thoughts?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would expect her to love my son.

[Ravin]

I expect my grandchildren to be well-parented, starting with breastfeeding. Doesn't mean they have to be parented exactly the way I'd have done it, but that much at least would be a good start. I'd also expect a DIL to be a part of our family and love/be good to my child.

 

Anything less and it'll be a disappointment. Anything else would be unreasonable (and even that much some might consider unreasonable).

[AnneGabe]

b

Edited September 6, 2023 by AnneGabe
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[Ruthie]

To be a woman who fears and loves the Lord.

 

If this can describe her, everything else will fall into place.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Perhaps a better question, in my opinion, is what are my expectations of the kind of woman my son will choose?

 

I hope that he would choose a woman who has some maturity (emotionally, spiritually and mentally). I hope that he chooses a woman of internal beauty.

[LibraryLover]

My needs are simple. When the time comes, I wish for dils who don't hate my guts, or go to message boards to regal folks with my latest imperfections, and ask/state that I am 'toxic'.

[Lilymax]

Well, considering that my in-laws have done a fabulous job of teaching me what NOT to do to one's daughter-in-law, I mainly hope that she and I can share a mutual respect for one another.

 

Really, I don't think so much about what I expect FROM a daughter-in-law, but rather my end of the relationship. I hope to be able to strike a balance between availability and distance that we're all comfortable with.

 

I want her to love God and my son and their children with her whole heart.

 

The other night at dinner, my oldest liked what we were having and said, "When I get married, you need to come over and teach my wife how to cook." DH and I laughed and I said, "Only if she asks me to, honey." He was quite confused so I had to explain that a good mother-in-law offers advice only when she is asked for it. He was stunned.

 

Of course, if you knew his grandmothers, you'd understand his confusion! :lol:

[Rosie_0801]

If she likes my son and assumes me to be an ally rather than an enemy, we'll be just fine even if she isn't the crunchy type I hope she'll be.

 

Rosie- suddenly glad her son is only one :D

[kalanamak]

My needs are simple. When the time comes, I wish for dils who don't hate my guts, or go to message boards to regal folks with my latest imperfections, and ask/state that I am 'toxic'.

 

:lol:

 

I have no expectations....only hopes. My first level of hope: no significant genetic illnesses, including "major mental illness", ability to recognize the road to bankruptcy and how to get off it, non-violent, and not a minor.

 

My next level of hope includes a reasonable amount of fidelity, parenting skills, and some basic politeness and table manners. Optimist a real bonus.

 

My next level of hope is IQ above 110 but below 140, a sense of humor, a dry wit, a good dose of pluck seasoned with prudence, and the ability to support a family if something should disable my son.

 

My last level of hope is that she is a born nurse, wise in the ways of people, indefatigable, lucky, well-read, fit, and, if she be beautiful, not swayed by the superficial lure of goodlooking flirts.

 

And may she never meet a man named Tre.

[jld]

I think kalanamak makes a good point in distinguishing between expectations and hopes. We all have hopes for our relationships with our dils; it seems that some Westerners (I said Americans, but meant Westerners) may have expectations, too.

 

After reading this book on the ways dils are treated in India, I hope I never have expectations of dils. I really hope I just ask myself how I can best respect them and be supportive of them, in the ways that they consider to be respectful and supportive. I really hope my sons will cherish their wives, in the ways that their wives define cherish.

 

To be honest, I actually feel rather sick reading this book.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't blame you for feeling unwell. I wrote an essay on bride burning back in my uni days. Interesting, but certainly not enjoyable.

 

Rosie

[Kate in Arabia]

I'm reading a book right now on what families expect of dils in India, and am wondering what American families would say they expect of dils. Your thoughts?

What book are you reading? Dh is from India, and I've had some "cultural conflicts" with the inlaws over expectations. Nothing drastic, thankfully; but so different from, for example, my parents with their dil (my bro's wife).

 

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances from the area, I know of situations much much worse than mine (even some involving physical abuse). But it's definitely been a learning experience for me!

[jld]

Love Will Follow.

[Renee in NC]

My needs are simple. When the time comes, I wish for dils who don't hate my guts, or go to message boards to regal folks with my latest imperfections, and ask/state that I am 'toxic'.

 

:iagree:

[Renee in NC]

:lol:

 

And may she never meet a man named Tre.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[JudoMom]

I don't know that I have expectations of my future dils, other than they love the Lord and respect my sons.

 

I have more concerns about the whole mil thing. I really don't want to mess it up.

[T'smom]

I've just got to throw in here that I think my mil is really lucky to have me as a dil. I am most everything on everyone's list. However, I am also bipolar. I fear passing this on to my kids- but when it boils down to it, I believe my life is worth living, even with the 'episodes'. (although I wouldn't always say that). And their lives will be too But I am kind, intelligent, a great mom who breastfeeds, and am completely in love with my wonderful husband (and I certainly treat him much better than she does). I am capable of supporting my kids in the event of my husband's demise. (fortunately, we have lots of life insurance too) She doesn't know that I'm bipolar- most people don't. Many, many people who have known me for years wouldn't believe it if you told them. Crossing people who have mental illness off the list of acceptable people means you might miss out on some really great people.

[simka2]

 

After reading this book on the ways dils are treated in India, I hope I never have expectations of dils. I really hope I just ask myself how I can best respect them and be supportive of them, in the ways that they consider to be respectful and supportive. I really hope my sons will cherish their wives, in the ways that their wives define cherish.

 

.

 

 

:iagree:This is how feel :) The term "expectations" really thru me for a bit!!! ;)

[Orthodox6]

I've just got to throw in here that I think my mil is really lucky to have me as a dil. I am most everything on everyone's list. However' date=' I am also bipolar. I fear passing this on to my kids- but when it boils down to it, I believe my life is worth living, even with the 'episodes'. (although I wouldn't always say that). And their lives will be too But I am kind, intelligent, a great mom who breastfeeds, and am completely in love with my wonderful husband (and I certainly treat him much better than she does). I am capable of supporting my kids in the event of my husband's demise. (fortunately, we have lots of life insurance too) She doesn't know that I'm bipolar- most people don't. Many, many people who have known me for years wouldn't believe it if you told them. [b']Crossing people who have mental illness off the list of acceptable people means you might miss out on some really great people.[/b]

 

 

As for d-i-l, who enters our family this August, I ask only that she love my son unconditionally (she does that already), and that she raise their children within the Orthodox Christian faith. (The latter, she already firmly intends to do.) Dh and I already know, from this young woman's constant demonstration of it, that she loves us dearly, too. Thanks be to God for this blessed addition to our family !

 

 

When dh and I were discussing marriage, we knew that mental illness was highly possible for our children, via his family. Not until we had children did we learn that I, myself, also was a "donor" of same. It never, ever occurred to us either not to marry, or not to have children. Nor does it occur to us to disguise or hide our multiple "acronyms". (Don't flaunt it, but definitely don't pretend it's not there, I mean.) Every one of our children is a "carrier", from both parental lines. In a trusting and confident sense, "So what ?"

[SproutMamaK]

I would like for them to women who love God and encourage my sons to do the same.

 

Aside from that - quite frankly, though my sons are kind, sweet, and have already to (at least TRY to) think of others before themselves, if in the future they find a girl who can look past ALL of their social awkwardness and the general abnormalities afforded to them by their autism, you could knock me over with a feather. She would HAVE to be a wonderful girl to see past the autistic veneer and love one of my boys for who they are. I know that as a young woman, I wouldn't have been able to.

[cathmom]

My needs are simple. When the time comes, I wish for dils who don't hate my guts, or go to message boards to regal folks with my latest imperfections, and ask/state that I am 'toxic'.

 

That works for me.

[Impish]

To be a woman who fears and loves the Lord.

 

If this can describe her, everything else will fall into place.

 

Perhaps a better question, in my opinion, is what are my expectations of the kind of woman my son will choose?

 

I hope that he would choose a woman who has some maturity (emotionally, spiritually and mentally). I hope that he chooses a woman of internal beauty.

:iagree:

[vonfirmath]

I expect my grandchildren to be well-parented, starting with breastfeeding.

 

I was very thankful my MIL understood and supported when breastfeeding turned out not to work for us. I was so scared to tell her my trials, that she would be upset.

[Heather in OK]

And may she never meet a man named Tre.

And name their first son Quad.

 

Yes...I know someone who did that.

[MrsBasil]

I hope my DIL has a husband who treats her well, loves her, and respects her. I hope to have a good relationship despite whatever differences will occur.

 

My MIL and I are very, very, very different. We still love each other and respect the other's viewpoints as best we can. Even if that means just not talking about them!

 

Dh took a different path then she would have liked and I'm sure that hurts. I know it has, because we've had intense "discussions" about them. She disagrees with nearly everything we believe and how we want to raise our son and any future children. She bites her tongue and we, in turn, bite ours when something slips out. If nothing else, we want to make sure her grandchild knows her and loves her.

 

I hope my DIL feels the same and I hope I can be as gracious as my MIL.

[LibraryLover]

Oh, and that she doesn't complain about my typos...:lol:

[Parrothead]

I expect my grandchildren to be well-parented, starting with breastfeeding. Doesn't mean they have to be parented exactly the way I'd have done it, but that much at least would be a good start. I'd also expect a DIL to be a part of our family and love/be good to my child.

 

Anything less and it'll be a disappointment. Anything else would be unreasonable (and even that much some might consider unreasonable).

Wow, you really think that children who were not breastfed are in the care of bad parents?

[Becca211]

I've just got to throw in here that I think my mil is really lucky to have me as a dil. I am most everything on everyone's list. However' date=' I am also bipolar. I fear passing this on to my kids- but when it boils down to it, I believe my life is worth living, even with the 'episodes'. (although I wouldn't always say that). And their lives will be too But I am kind, intelligent, a great mom who breastfeeds, and am completely in love with my wonderful husband (and I certainly treat him much better than she does). I am capable of supporting my kids in the event of my husband's demise. (fortunately, we have lots of life insurance too) She doesn't know that I'm bipolar- most people don't. Many, many people who have known me for years wouldn't believe it if you told them. Crossing people who have mental illness off the list of acceptable people means you might miss out on some really great people.[/quote']

 

:iagree:

My father was bipolar and committed suicide when I was 9. He was also a physician. It never occurred to me that my husband would not want to marry my and have kids with me because of that history.

[Orthodox6]

Wow, you really think that children who were not breastfed are in the care of bad parents?

 

 

RED ALERT: Thread war ahead. . .

[Perry]

My needs are simple. When the time comes, I wish for dils who don't hate my guts, or go to message boards to regal folks with my latest imperfections, and ask/state that I am 'toxic'.

:lol:

:iagree:

[*********]

Perhaps a better question, in my opinion, is what are my expectations of the kind of woman my son will choose?

 

To be a woman who fears and loves the Lord.

 

If this can describe her, everything else will fall into place.

 

These. Exactly.

[Ester Maria]

My MIL and I have a very complex relationship. :lol:

 

I was "too italianized" for her son, from a "too italianized" family (that should read as: "not Jewish enough" for her standards), and "lacking a concrete profession" (of course, the remark I've been hearing ever since I chose to study humanities, as opposed to law or medicine or any similar "concrete" field, even from my parents). She had a whole lot of suspicions and fears with regards to that, as well as with my strong secular stances, and with regards to future children and their upbringing, but with time I manipulated her into explicitly agreeing that I'm a good girl from a good home, with good values and education, and that her son got lucky with a "have it all" wife. ;)

 

I don't have sons, but I suppose my expectations would be similar to the ones I have for my sons in law - I want my children to marry mature (emotionally, mentally), independent (financially, mentally) people, who love them and whom they love, and as an extra wish, who can approximately match them educationally and socially (I would like no huge "culture shocks" in close family, no huge discrepancies in education and cultural values, no drastic discrepancies in the social circles they stem from because from the experience of many people those usually aren't a good idea, etc. - but I leave up to them to decide what "huge" means and what's doable, there are certainly are exceptions to each of those cases which work wonderfully). If I had sons, I would require no more than that too.

 

Love, mutual respect, independence and maturity are the key.

[LibraryLover]

:iagree:

My father was bipolar and committed suicide when I was 9. He was also a physician. It never occurred to me that my husband would not want to marry my and have kids with me because of that history.

 

 

Didn't you see Yentl? Amy Irving had to marry Barbara Streisand because Mandy Patinkin's brother had commited suicide, and he was deemed unsuitable because of it. Demons in the family closet and all that.

 

Kidding aside, I could see feeling concerned about a child marrying into a family where there is a lot of mental illness...not because the people are not good people, but out of fear of potential tradegy. I am not saying I would voice such concerns to my child, but it would be on my mind for my grandchildren. I don't know that it's not a natural thought/concern.

 

PS I'm just trying to move the heat around; take some from the breastfeeding issue by discussing a different hot issue. ;)

Edited May 21, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Orthodox6]

I really think some people say certain things on here just to start a "heated" discussion. The first poster had to have known that would upset others. :001_rolleyes:

 

Time to pull out the boxing gloves, everyone! :boxing_smiley:

 

:iagree: :tongue_smilie:

 

The Pugilist Club is in full swing around here: (1) U.S. Civil War, (2) definition of homeschooling, (3) stubbornly clinging to label of "homeschooler", (4) definition of "an American" (or if, indeed, any exist), . . .

[Mejane]

I expect to have raised a man who will know what he needs in a wife. The rest is up to them.

 

(Although I really liked LibraryLover's answer, too. :))

[Parrothead]

:iagree: :tongue_smilie:

 

The Pugilist Club is in full swing around here: (1) U.S. Civil War, (2) definition of homeschooling, (3) stubbornly clinging to label of "homeschooler", (4) definition of "an American" (or if, indeed, any exist), . . .

Definition of an American? I missed that one. Off to go find it. :auto:

 

 

As for the other, I'm simply incredulous that people in this day and age with all the information available as to why someone can or can't do something absolutes are still so abundant and it is "my way or the highway."

 

No, not every woman can breastfeed, every family can't homeschool, everyone can't buy all organic, not every person is mentally or physically "normal" or able, and the list of what is not strictly black and white goes on and on.

 

But to make it sound like Person A would not have a healthy and decent relationship with Person B simply because Person B can't or won't do something Person A's way is a bit harsh.

 

I'm off and leaving it alone.

 

ETA: Why did I comment in the DIL thread when I don't even have a son? Well, what I've got is a potential DIL. These future women that are being described and spoken about are someone's little girls.

Edited May 21, 2010 by Parrothead

[She]

I expect to have raised a man who will know what he needs in a wife. The rest is up to them.

 

 

 

Exactly, then I'll just have to bite my tongue because she won't be exactly like me! (Maybe she'll be even better! :001_smile:)

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's not as extreme as in India but part of the reason my brother met and married my Japanese sil (besides the fact that he loves her:001_wub:) was because her mother was specifically looking for westerners for her to date. I remember my sil telling me how happy she was to have my mom as her mil because she wouldn't be yelled at and expected to serve.

[AuntieM]

I hope to have raised my sons to choose wisely. Aside from that, I hope my d's-i-l won't have unrealistic expectations of their mil.

[Orthodox6]

Definition of an American? I missed that one. Off to go find it. :auto:

.

 

Read all about it in here ! :

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=178583

[stormy weather]

IMHO it's difficult to define what some of our *expectations* are until someone disappoints them. I have a certain set of spoken expectations/hopes for my children's future spouses, but until they are married I probably won't know all the unspoken and unknown expectations I have lying dormant.:D

Hopefully by that time the Lord will have taught me how to control my tounge:tongue_smilie:

[QueenCat]

I expect to have raised a man who will know what he needs in a wife. The rest is up to them.

 

 

:iagree: Exactly!!! I hope to be a better mil than my mil is to me. My mom is a good example to me.... if my son loves a woman, and she loves him back, that is more than good enough for me!

[jewellsmommy]

I don't have a son (yet:001_smile:) but I have given some thought to the future spouse of dd. We pray now for whoever she may marry. My only expectation/hope is that sil will be who God desires him to be. All the rest is negotiable!

[myfunnybunch]

I hope she'll be a good neighbor. :tongue_smilie:

 

Both of my older boys have decided that they will live next door when they grow up, maybe in the same house if their wives don't mind. (My youngest will live in Mexico so I can visit him and go to the beach.)

 

Seriously, my expectations for my future DILs are that they love my sons, love and care for my grandbabies (should they choose to have children) and behave respectfully toward me. I hope they'll let me babysit once in a while. :) (The same goes for my daughters' future husbands.)

 

And that they don't mind if I call them every week from the time they get married and ask when I'll get my grandbabies. :lol:

 

Cat

[cathmom]

Upon further reflection, I don't think "expectation" and "daughter-in-law" belong in the same sentence.

[Rosie_0801]

I expect my grandchildren to be well-parented, starting with breastfeeding. Doesn't mean they have to be parented exactly the way I'd have done it, but that much at least would be a good start. I'd also expect a DIL to be a part of our family and love/be good to my child.

 

Anything less and it'll be a disappointment. Anything else would be unreasonable (and even that much some might consider unreasonable).

 

 

Wow, you really think that children who were not breastfed are in the care of bad parents?

 

That's putting words in her mouth, isn't it?

 

If I dare to translate Ravin's post, she is saying "I would hope for a DIL who's values were compatible with my values." That's not much different to Christians saying they hope for good Christian DILs. Not much different to "I hope she doesn't hate my guts," either.

 

If my dil has to hate mine, I hope she waits until we've met. My inlaws decided they didn't like me before we even met. The least they could have done was dislike me for the right reasons :D

 

Rosie

Edited May 21, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[jld]

Lol, Cathmom!

 

And Rosie, I think you are a very good translator.

[Laurie4b]

I don't have expectations; I have hopes.

I hope that she is a strong Christian woman who loves the LORD, will love my ds and her children, and with whom I can have a solid relationship.

 

I hope that she will not be the kind of woman who will take offense at little things that may happen in our relationship, overinterpret them, and be backing off/cutting off/setting boundaries (or whatever the new word for it will be) our relationship. I hope that she will be let me know if I've offended and forgive.

 

Honestly, this board has really raised my level of fear regarding having daughters-in-law.

[BeckyFL]

My needs are simple. When the time comes, I wish for dils who don't hate my guts, or go to message boards to regal folks with my latest imperfections, and ask/state that I am 'toxic'.

 

 

Oh, gee. That's my worst nightmare too!