So is dh right re. "sucking it up?"

[Jean in Newcastle]

We are not having a fight or anything. Yesterday ds(almost 13) had one of his hormone surges. He just started to cry out of the blue. He said he was feeling frustrated (not with anything specific as far as I could tell). I tried having him distract himself with a book - didn't work. I had him wrap himself tightly with his blanket - didn't work. I had already had him jog. I gave him some "calms forte" which often helps to calm him down (and makes him a bit sleepy) - didn't work. We tested his bloodsugar - it was normal but we made him eat anyway. Eventually he did calm down. Then since dh was home yesterday and had some errands to run, I called school off for ds and had him shadow his dad. It seemed to help for him to get a break away from the routine.

 

Later dh said, "You know, if he was in school, he wouldn't have been able to do that. He would have had to suck it up." My response, was "Yes, but I think it would have come out in other ways." What do you think? Do you think that we're doing a disservice by letting him cope with hormones etc. in a way that doesn't involve just "sucking it up"?

[Guest]

I think that it would have come out in plenty of other ways. I also think that he might have had to stick it out with his body in the chair at the desk, but that doesn't mean his mind would have been engaged. I remember all too clearly days that I sat at school with my mind and emotions having nothing whatever to do with school.

 

Yes, I know someone is going to say that adults have to suck it up if they want to keep their jobs; but they also have a number of coping mechanisms that young teens do not, and a larger sense of perspective teens also do not yet have. Learning to transfer his attention to something else, like shadowing his dad, and getting past the moment is to my mind a really great use of your son's time, better than going through the motions feeling miserable at this stage.

[LizzyBee]

I think what you did was fine.

 

I like SWB's solution for teenage angst - Take a shower, eat a sandwich, take a nap. That was my oldest dd's mantra for a while. :001_smile:

[Mejane]

My first thought was 'home is the place where one shouldn't have to suck it up.' I'm waiting for something more logical, but it's not presenting itself. :001_smile:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

If he has special needs then I think that your husband is off the mark.

 

If he is NOT a child with special needs then I think that your husband is right. I have noticed that MANY, MANY times with homeschooled kids (my oldest included) special considerations are made for their comfort when, really, they should have been told (maybe.....perhaps...definitely in the case of my oldest!) to just suck it up and deal with it.

 

I think that I have done my child a disservice by coddling her in some situations.

 

 

I am NOT criticizing what you did with your ds. Those things are things I probably would have done as well. However, my oldest is now 13 and I wish that I would have pushed her a bit more when she was younger so that she would have grown a bit more in this area. All is not lost and we are doing that now, but......it IS a regret of mine.

 

And, no I don't think she is scarred for life, but it's something I intend to do differently with my younger two.

[coffeegal]

I like SWB's solution for teenage angst - Take a shower, eat a sandwich, take a nap. That was my oldest dd's mantra for a while. :001_smile:

 

:iagree: It works with all ages too! ;)

[Rosy]

If he has special needs then I think that your husband is off the mark.

 

If he is NOT a child with special needs then I think that your husband is right. I have noticed that MANY, MANY times with homeschooled kids (my oldest included) special considerations are made for their comfort when, really, they should have been told (maybe.....perhaps...definitely in the case of my oldest!) to just suck it up and deal with it.

 

I think that I have done my child a disservice by coddling her in some situations.

 

 

I am NOT criticizing what you did with your ds. Those things are things I probably would have done as well. However, my oldest is now 13 and I wish that I would have pushed her a bit more when she was younger so that she would have grown a bit more in this area. All is not lost and we are doing that now, but......it IS a regret of mine.

 

And, no I don't think she is scarred for life, but it's something I intend to do differently with my younger two.

:iagree:

[Jean in Newcastle]

If he has special needs then I think that your husband is off the mark.

 

If he is NOT a child with special needs then I think that your husband is right. I have noticed that MANY, MANY times with homeschooled kids (my oldest included) special considerations are made for their comfort when, really, they should have been told (maybe.....perhaps...definitely in the case of my oldest!) to just suck it up and deal with it.

 

I think that I have done my child a disservice by coddling her in some situations.

 

 

I am NOT criticizing what you did with your ds. Those things are things I probably would have done as well. However, my oldest is now 13 and I wish that I would have pushed her a bit more when she was younger so that she would have grown a bit more in this area. All is not lost and we are doing that now, but......it IS a regret of mine.

 

And, no I don't think she is scarred for life, but it's something I intend to do differently with my younger two.

 

Well, I'm not totally sure if he's special needs or not. If he is, it is borderline. He's always had sensory issues but when you look at the lists and books about kids with sensory issues, he's just borderline. He's geeky and a little bit aspie in some aspects but again he doesn't fit many of the descriptions of someone with aspergers at all. So really, he's just a slightly sensitive, geeky kid who just melts down sometimes.

 

Sometimes I push him and sometimes I don't. I can't really explain why I choose to do it that way - it's more of a mother's instinct of when it will help to push and when it would cause him to break down even further. Does that make sense? I know that in school and other institutional settings, there isn't really room for intuition or wisdom in dealing with kids individually in the moment.

 

Oh - and I wanted to add that he only melts down like this perhaps once a month. He has other slightly mouthy times etc. but we deal with it and he does just fine.

Edited May 13, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle
new info.

[Caribbean Queen]

If he is NOT a child with special needs then I think that your husband is right.

 

I think that I have done my child a disservice by coddling her in some situations.

 

 

:iagree:

 

My six year old recently cried and asked me to call 911 so he could go to the hosptial because he watched a PBS preschooler show called It's a Big Big World, and it made him, "feel weird." :nopity:

 

In school my son would be 'socialized' out of that behavior by being teased badly. At home, I socialize him by not playing into it. I felt sorry for him a tiny bit, but mostly I acted disinterested. I didn't exactly say, "You're fine, suck it up." but that was the jist of it.

 

By the way, we won't be watching that show again. That sloth talking to Luna the moon is kinda creepy. There are better shows to watch.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I think it totally depends on the kid. My older son has a very hard time dealing with frustration and anxiety, and suggesting that he just suck it up wouldn't work at all. It would just make the situation last even longer. My younger one, on the other hand, is a pro at sucking it up and moving on.

[LibraryLover]

I would never tell my kids to 'suck it up" if they were upset. I do reassure them that confusing, upsetting etc feelings are normal and will pass. Sometimes what seems impossible in the eveing will seem a piece of cake after a good night's sleep. Sometimes all a stalled project needs is a cheese stick. ;) (Not meant flippantly...I have one with low blood sugar, and protein can make all the difference).

 

I try to normalize normal feelings as much as I can, and assure kids that upsetting feelings eventually give way to more calm and easy ones. "You feel all knotted up inside tight now. That happens, but eventually that knot will loosen" etc Whatever I can think to say about a situation that will pass. It's easy for even adults to think a sad/angry/scared feeling will never go away.

[Jan in SC]

If a 13 year old (almost) boy is really having that much trouble that you have to try 5 or 6 different things to calm him down and then call off school, then I would begin investigating why.

 

One of my sons (almost 10) can get himself worked up about things, but I can't imagine having to try lots of different things to get him to settle down.

 

I think you're really nice! Obviously you are concerned and don't want him to feel uncomfortable and that is wonderful. (You are much nicer than I would ever be!)

[dhudson]

I have a 12 ds who has struggled with being overly sensitive and have done the same thing as SWB (take a shower, have a sandwich...) but we also add take a jog. Then I require him to snap out of it and go to bed early. I have also had to go over the fact that there are times that we just have to get over it and get self-control. Social situations, competitions, and jobs all require us to gain control over our emotions. We've tried to teach him which situations require him to get control in a hurry.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would never tell my kids to 'suck it up" if they were upset. I do reassure them that confusing, upsetting etc feelings are normal and will pass. Sometimes what seems impossible in the eveing will seem a piece of cake after a good night's sleep. Sometimes all a stalled project needs is a cheese stick. ;) (Not meant flippantly...I have one with low blood sugar, and protein can make all the difference).

 

I try to normalize normal feelings as much as I can, and assure kids that upsetting feelings eventually give way to more calm and easy ones. "You feel all knotted up inside tight now. That happens, but eventually that knot will loosen" etc Whatever I can think to say about a situation that will pass. It's easy for even adults to think a sad/angry/scared feeling will never go away.

 

Oh, neither dh or I would have actually used the words "just suck it up", I was just having a hard time coming up with another term for the same meaning! And yes, I do agree that feelings need to be acknowledged.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If a 13 year old (almost) boy is really having that much trouble that you have to try 5 or 6 different things to calm him down and then call off school, then I would begin investigating why.

 

One of my sons (almost 10) can get himself worked up about things, but I can't imagine having to try lots of different things to get him to settle down.

 

I think you're really nice! Obviously you are concerned and don't want him to feel uncomfortable and that is wonderful. (You are much nicer than I would ever be!)

 

Not always that nice. And yes, we've thought about taking him to a naturopathic Dr. to investigate some of his anxieties etc.

 

I have a 12 ds who has struggled with being overly sensitive and have done the same thing as SWB (take a shower, have a sandwich...) but we also add take a jog. Then I require him to snap out of it and go to bed early. I have also had to go over the fact that there are times that we just have to get over it and get self-control. Social situations, competitions, and jobs all require us to gain control over our emotions. We've tried to teach him which situations require him to get control in a hurry.

 

We do require him to control his speech and actions during this time. For example, when he was little, he would have screamed at me or his sister or would have even lashed out physically at times. He's learned to control that. But crying - he didn't seem to be able to control. Being really calm myself and having a sandwich (it was almost lunchtime) seemed to help him. He had calmed down before I suggested that he take off school and go on errands with his dad. But he seemed relieved when I told him to take the rest of the day off because it gave him a chance to not have to rein himself in so tightly.

[Night Elf]

Personally, I dislike the whole 'if he was in school' argument. He's not in school. Different rules apply unless you're specifically trying to emulate the school's routine. If it was a hormone situation, being in school wouldn't have staved it off. He might have embarrassed himself in front of his peers. However, rather than giving him the day off completely, you might pick a time to return to the table in order to give him a break.

 

To be honest, I still have hormonal days and we don't do school. Now, If I was a teacher, I guess I'd have to suck it up. But I'm not. We'll get to it the next day, and sometimes we'll continue the work in the evening. I like the flexibility that homeschooling affords us.

[angela in ohio]

I like SWB's solution for teenage angst - Take a shower, eat a sandwich, take a nap. That was my oldest dd's mantra for a while. :001_smile:

 

I thought of the same thing! :D

[Spy Car]

"Suck it up" is such a man-thing to say :D

 

Bill

[Jean in Newcastle]

"Suck it up" is such a man-thing to say :D

 

Bill

 

I worked with engineers and seminarians - it's rubbed off on me!

[Spy Car]

I worked with engineers and seminarians - it's rubbed off on me!

 

Gosh Jean, I'm not sure "suck it up" is something I'd want to hear from an engineer, or a seminarian :D

 

Bill

[Starr]

We all have difficult days. If we can find an easier way to cope that's great. If these days went on and on it would be different. I would have done what you did.

[justamouse]

Well, yes and no.

 

If it were a girl, and she were in a PMS meltdown, we would coddle for a bit, but then tell her she was going to have to learn to deal. Life does not stop for cramps, though it does slow down. So, suck it up, go take a shower, have a sandwich and take a nap. :001_smile:

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but you can't feed in to every hormonal whim, yanno? Otherwise my husband would be dead and I'd be in jail.

[AuntieM]

Well, God did tell Jeremiah to pull up his bootstraps. So perhaps there is a proper time and place or point at which one just needs to be told, "This is what it is... melting down is not going to change or improve the situation."

However, I would be sure "that point" has first been reached.

 

Your husband is correct in that sitting in a public school desk may stem emotional outbursts, but I agree with the others, ds would eventually kick somebody's cat (hope you remember that old illustration).

 

It's a fine balancing act - we bring our kids home to nurture and perhaps shelter them, but we still need to help them learn to navigate the bigger world they will circulate in as adults.

 

With my own teen guys, I have had to really pray and think hard at each outworking of frustration. Sometimes, I know it's just hormones, and I let it go (SWB's shower, sandwich, nap routine goes into play). Other times, I have to say, hey, these are your HORMONES talking, learn to name it and respond appropriately (this is more common with my teen daughter, BTW). Other times, I have to say, hey, this reaction is not okay, you need to get a grip. Of course, it's not as blunt as that (weeell, sometimes it is...), but it's the message they need to hear.

 

The trick is knowing what to say, when. A mine field ;).

 

Jean, you are a good mom!

[sassenach]

At this age and maturity level (I'm guessing from your other descriptions that he is on the immature side), I think the way you handled it was ok. I would start to think through how you can pull back on all of the supportive interventions, and allow him to figure out on his own how to rally himself and recover from these moments. I have a fairly mature just turned 13yo dd, and I can tell you that when she has her hormonal moments (and they are doozies), I handle it a little differently. I generally tell her to get a bite to eat and take a break for an hour in her room. Work from that day is finished later in the afternoon, or carried over to the next day if I think she needs a bigger break. At this age, what she needs is my permission to escape from her work and siblings (and me) for awhile to regain her composure. I think the element that seems a little off to me is that you guided him through all of the various "treatments." You might want to work towards giving him space, and allowing him to figure out how to calm himself. For example, if he starts melting down you can dismiss him for an hour from school. If he comes to you for help, you can ask him what he thinks he needs. List off a few things that might help (one time, "well son, you might want to eat or shower, or take a nap. I'll give you an hour. Please come and check in with me at x o'clock."), but then let him figure out which one to do and do it himself.

 

I tend to pay close attention to my dh on issues like these. As a mom, I will almost always err on the side of over-providing for the kids. Especially with my ds, I follow my dh's lead. He pushes ds harder than I would, and I really think that a man's instincts on how to raise boys are there for a reason.

[MelanieM]

I think you sound like a great Mom that handled it beautifully! I especially love what you wrote about following your instinct in how you respond to this type of thing... that right there is so key to parenting!

[melissel]

We are not having a fight or anything. Yesterday ds(almost 13) had one of his hormone surges. He just started to cry out of the blue. He said he was feeling frustrated (not with anything specific as far as I could tell). I tried having him distract himself with a book - didn't work. I had him wrap himself tightly with his blanket - didn't work. I had already had him jog. I gave him some "calms forte" which often helps to calm him down (and makes him a bit sleepy) - didn't work. We tested his bloodsugar - it was normal but we made him eat anyway. Eventually he did calm down. Then since dh was home yesterday and had some errands to run, I called school off for ds and had him shadow his dad. It seemed to help for him to get a break away from the routine.

 

Later dh said, "You know, if he was in school, he wouldn't have been able to do that. He would have had to suck it up." My response, was "Yes, but I think it would have come out in other ways." What do you think? Do you think that we're doing a disservice by letting him cope with hormones etc. in a way that doesn't involve just "sucking it up"?

 

Well, in a sense, I think your DH is right: At school, he would have had to suck it up. But that doesn't make that particular situation an ideal one in any way. You're right that it would have come out in other ways, and KarenAnne is right that while he grappled internally with his "storm," he probably wouldn't have been learning a thing, so what's the point?

 

And IMO, adults have coping mechanisms that they use in the workplace because they LEARN coping mechanisms, which is what you worked with him on. How else does one learn coping mechanisms anyway? I think it's better that you're able to work with him on this and he learns ways of dealing than he's at school learning to stuff and hide his emotions. (That said, I probably wouldn't have coddled--sympathized yes, but not coddled. And I'm sure you didn't do that--I'm just acknowledging that I recognize that there's a fine line there.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

At this age and maturity level (I'm guessing from your other descriptions that he is on the immature side), I think the way you handled it was ok. I would start to think through how you can pull back on all of the supportive interventions, and allow him to figure out on his own how to rally himself and recover from these moments. I have a fairly mature just turned 13yo dd, and I can tell you that when she has her hormonal moments (and they are doozies), I handle it a little differently. I generally tell her to get a bite to eat and take a break for an hour in her room. Work from that day is finished later in the afternoon, or carried over to the next day if I think she needs a bigger break. At this age, what she needs is my permission to escape from her work and siblings (and me) for awhile to regain her composure. I think the element that seems a little off to me is that you guided him through all of the various "treatments." You might want to work towards giving him space, and allowing him to figure out how to calm himself. For example, if he starts melting down you can dismiss him for an hour from school. If he comes to you for help, you can ask him what he thinks he needs. List off a few things that might help (one time, "well son, you might want to eat or shower, or take a nap. I'll give you an hour. Please come and check in with me at x o'clock."), but then let him figure out which one to do and do it himself.

 

I tend to pay close attention to my dh on issues like these. As a mom, I will almost always err on the side of over-providing for the kids. Especially with my ds, I follow my dh's lead. He pushes ds harder than I would, and I really think that a man's instincts on how to raise boys are there for a reason.

 

You're right, he is on the immature side. We've just recently (within the last 3 months) gotten to the point where he will have self control on his body and mouth during these times. So, yes, I am still walking him through stuff. I think it is a good idea to move him toward doing that himself.

 

Yes, I agree that I tend to over-provide for my ds. At dh's insistence we've recently put him into tae kwando where he is doing very well.

[Jean in Newcastle]

And IMO, adults have coping mechanisms that they use in the workplace because they LEARN coping mechanisms, which is what you worked with him on. How else does one learn coping mechanisms anyway? I think it's better that you're able to work with him on this and he learns ways of dealing than he's at school learning to stuff and hide his emotions. (That said, I probably wouldn't have coddled--sympathized yes, but not coddled. And I'm sure you didn't do that--I'm just acknowledging that I recognize that there's a fine line there.)

 

No, I didn't coddle. In fact part of the reason I sent him off with dh for the errands was because I was afraid that I would blow up at him:D

[Miss Marple]

With 4 boys I've found that they all need a little something different, but it usually involves either food, exercise, or sleep. When that doesn't work, we do say something like, "suck it up!" At some point, we all (male and female) need to get over our emotions and do the work at hand. That's part of maturing.

 

My youngest is going through it to right now. When he had his first breakdown, we tried the usual stuff. Eventually it seemed that he was wallowing in the breakdown - and that's where I draw the line. "Suck it up and be a man!" Maybe that sounds harsh, but at some point the world will say it to them. I would do the same thing with a young lady who was wallowing in the throes of PMS. I often say it to myself :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

Gosh Jean, I'm not sure "suck it up" is something I'd want to hear from an engineer, or a seminarian :D

 

Bill

 

Hmm. You have a point there. . . ;)

 

So Bill, do you agree with my husband re. my ds in this situation? Tell it to us from a man's point of view!

[Gooblink]

I think what you did was fine.

 

I like SWB's solution for teenage angst - Take a shower, eat a sandwich, take a nap. That was my oldest dd's mantra for a while. :001_smile:

 

Well, yes, for the mom, but what should the kid do? :)

 

My dh would say "suck it up," too. But, I agree that kids don't have the skills needed to express themselves rationally. This comes with maturity. I don't think either of you is wrong, really, maybe together you provide a secure and comfortable balance for your son.

[PiCO]

I think the short answer is that he needs to learn to "suck it up".

 

HOWEVER- isn't that what you were trying to help him do? I think it's important for teens to learn what coping mechanisms work for them, so when they are young adults and have jobs, they know how to "suck it up."

 

But telling a kid to suck it up doesn't help them learn to cope with raging hormones.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

If a 13 year old (almost) boy is really having that much trouble that you have to try 5 or 6 different things to calm him down and then call off school, then I would begin investigating why.

 

One of my sons (almost 10) can get himself worked up about things, but I can't imagine having to try lots of different things to get him to settle down.

 

I think you're really nice! Obviously you are concerned and don't want him to feel uncomfortable and that is wonderful. (You are much nicer than I would ever be!)

 

I would have said the same thing when my boys were younger. If you haven't seen puberty in a homeschooled boy yet, then what can I say? The intensity can be very surprising! It certainly caught me off guard.

 

For our sons, we went through the coddle-and-fix routine three or four times each, then moved into "suck it up" methodology. By then, we had put new routines in place that help to manage the testosterone burst.

 

Some of those new routines included bigger meals, more frequent snacks, tons of physical activity (landscaping, Civil Air Patrol, tae kwon do, bike rides), later bedtimes and longer sleeping in each morning. Also, we had to realize that our boys were moving out of the independent, self-sufficient stage (9 to 11 years old) into the needy stage (12-14) and we really needed to hug more, laugh more, play board games, watch movies together, help with schoolwork, and just give more attention in positive ways.

 

After discussing the physical and emotional changes that their bodies are going through, and working together to find wholesome coping mechanisms and new outlets, and making sure all relationships are nurtured and all voices are heard....

 

*Then* we can say to our sons, "I know you are feeling all Mt. Vesuvius right now, but you also know that there is only one of me and I've done about all I can do to help you. I'm busy right now, so you'll have to get ahold of yourself on your own. And be back in here in 15 minutes, please, because one way or another we are going to finish this science today."

Edited May 13, 2010 by Dulcimeramy

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would have said the same thing when my boys were younger. If you haven't seen puberty in a homeschooled boy yet, then what can I say? The intensity can be very surprising! It certainly caught me off guard.

 

For our sons, we went through the coddle-and-fix routine three or four times each, then moved into "suck it up" methodology. By then, we had put new routines in place that help to manage the testosterone burst.

 

Some of those new routines included bigger meals, more frequent snacks, tons of physical activity (landscaping, Civil Air Patrol, tae kwon do, bike rides), later bedtimes and allowing to sleep later in the day.

 

After discussing the physical and emotional changes that their bodies are going through, and working together to find wholesome coping mechanisms and new outlets, and making sure all relationships are nurtured and all voices are heard....

 

*Then* we can say to our sons, "I know you are feeling all Mt. Vesuvius right now, but you also know that there is only one of me and I've done about all I can do to help you. I'm busy right now, so you'll have to get ahold of yourself on your own. And be back in here in 15 minutes, please, because one way or another we are going to finish this science today."

 

Very helpful. Thank you!

[Spy Car]

 

So Bill, do you agree with my husband re. my ds in this situation? Tell it to us from a man's point of view!

 

Impossible to say for sure. Myself, I can be nurturing dad when the time is right, and a real "suck it up" hard-guy when need be. I would be slow to question a father's judgement on these matters (which is not to say I don't think some men are real jerks :D). But a good dad will likely find himself playing both roles, and boys ( generally speaking) tend to need a little firmer from dads (typically) than moms. It is a balancing act.

 

Bill

Edited May 13, 2010 by Spy Car

[bookfiend]

I'm not asking this as a criticism of your husband, but what exactly constitutes "suck it up" in your house? Does it mean, sideline the emotion/ignore it until it goes away or accomplish the task at hand regardless of how you are feeling and deal later?

 

Learning how to deal with overwhelming emotion is a valuable life skill. We don't always get to choose when emotions will be strong and difficult. Learning to recognize, process and then move forward is part of maturity, IMO. Something he would not have had guidence through in a setting outside of your mentorship.

 

However, that doesn't mean that the responsibility is abdicated, just because one feels emotional. Once the emotions are effectively under-control, the school work load is still waiting...

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm not asking this as a criticism of your husband, but what exactly constitutes "suck it up" in your house? Does it mean, sideline the emotion/ignore it until it goes away or accomplish the task at hand regardless of how you are feeling and deal later?

 

Learning how to deal with overwhelming emotion is a valuable life skill. We don't always get to choose when emotions will be strong and difficult. Learning to recognize, process and then move forward is part of maturity, IMO. Something he would not have had guidence through in a setting outside of your mentorship.

 

However, that doesn't mean that the responsibility is abdicated, just because one feels emotional. Once the emotions are effectively under-control, the school work load is still waiting...

 

It meant accomplish the task at hand regardless of how you are feeling. I'm not sure if it means "deal later" so much as deal with it quickly in 5 minutes.

[Spy Car]

 

Learning how to deal with overwhelming emotion is a valuable life skill. We don't always get to choose when emotions will be strong and difficult. Learning to recognize, process and then move forward is part of maturity, IMO.

 

I don't want to speak for all men (and I know there are women like this too) but I think it's rooted in the male-mind that there will be times when one might feel overwhelming emotion, but doing so might risk the survival of self or others, and that men need to be able to ignore those feelings in order to save the day.

 

This tendency, of course, gets carried over into non-emergency situations where it may or may not be helpful. And even in "emergency conditions" the cost of shutting down emotions can be paid later with PTSD and other mental problems. But what are you going to do? It is just part of the male-condition.

 

Bill

[elegantlion]

 

Sometimes I push him and sometimes I don't. I can't really explain why I choose to do it that way - it's more of a mother's instinct of when it will help to push and when it would cause him to break down even further. Does that make sense? I know that in school and other institutional settings, there isn't really room for intuition or wisdom in dealing with kids individually in the moment.

 

Oh - and I wanted to add that he only melts down like this perhaps once a month. He has other slightly mouthy times etc. but we deal with it and he does just fine.

 

I think you need to your mother's instinct and push when needed and back off when appropriate.

 

Personally, I dislike the whole 'if he was in school' argument. He's not in school. Different rules apply unless you're specifically trying to emulate the school's routine. If it was a hormone situation, being in school wouldn't have staved it off. He might have embarrassed himself in front of his peers. However, rather than giving him the day off completely, you might pick a time to return to the table in order to give him a break.

 

To be honest, I still have hormonal days and we don't do school. Now, If I was a teacher, I guess I'd have to suck it up. But I'm not. We'll get to it the next day, and sometimes we'll continue the work in the evening. I like the flexibility that homeschooling affords us.

 

:iagree: Aside from my own schooling I was not around pre-teen boys in the midst of puberty. I've been quite surprised at how emotional my ds can get, it's different than mine, but just as real and dramatic:001_huh:. On those days when he looks at me and says he simply can not do anymore, I know whether it's bull or not.

 

My ds (all of us really) have sleeping issues. He's been tired all week. Today I snapped at him and told him I didn't care if he were tired, I didn't doubt that he was, but we were still going to do the work. :001_huh: He quit complaining. But it was the subtle difference where I could tell he was just complaining to complain.

 

I think the short answer is that he needs to learn to "suck it up".

 

HOWEVER- isn't that what you were trying to help him do? I think it's important for teens to learn what coping mechanisms work for them, so when they are young adults and have jobs, they know how to "suck it up."

 

But telling a kid to suck it up doesn't help them learn to cope with raging hormones.

 

:iagree::iagree: I think we need to learn to adjust our expectations as they grow. Right now there are times when ds falls asleep while I'm reading to him. Many times I know we are done for the day. He's 12, imo that's acceptable at this level. At 15, or 17, I'll probably make him continue working after his nap. But it's a gradual process.

 

On a side note, I think it is a beautiful thing that boys can have the option to spend more time with their dads, even if it's just running errands. I've been known to set aside a few subjects so ds can do just that.

[Joanne]

Our rules about over-drama:

 

1) You can feel any way you feel, but you must manage the behavior related to it.

2) If you act in ways that cause others to feel discomfort, you choose to be alone until you get a grip.

3) If mom determines your over-drama is too much, too long, you will be told that "this situation is a 5 and you are acting at a 10". Some kids really do need to be told how to feel.

4) I will honor/respect the fact that everyone has days they need space, a break, understandig. But if it becomes a habit or you use it manipulatively (ie to get out of chores, schoolwork, etc), you risk me believing it when it's real.

[Dawn in OH]

 

Later dh said, "You know, if he was in school, he wouldn't have been able to do that. He would have had to suck it up." My response, was "Yes, but I think it would have come out in other ways." What do you think? Do you think that we're doing a disservice by letting him cope with hormones etc. in a way that doesn't involve just "sucking it up"?

 

Isn't this part of the many reasons WHY many of us homeschool? The kids will have plenty of time to "suck it up" when they are older. Most kids that age really don't have the coping skills to deal with that yet. And since he's home with you, you can help him learn the coping skills he will need later.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I don't want to speak for all men (and I know there are women like this too) but I think it's rooted in the male-mind that there will be times when one might feel overwhelming emotion, but doing so might risk the survival of self or others, and that men need to be able to ignore those feelings in order to save the day.

 

This tendency, of course, gets carried over into non-emergency situations where it may or may not be helpful. And even in "emergency conditions" the cost of shutting down emotions can be paid later with PTSD and other mental problems. But what are you going to do? It is just part of the male-condition.

 

Bill

 

 

Yep. This is the kind of skill that both genders need. I was talking to a friend last night about the situations that excite people in various careers. (started with meteorologists getting all excited during tornado season) I said,"this is what they trained for and now it's SHOW TIME!"

 

I feel the same way when there is a crisis at work. It is what I went to school for. It is what I trained for. It is CRUNCH TIME and sometimes it is life or death. The adrenaline gets going and it is AWESOME, both in terms of emotion and potential outcome and urgency. It is what drives me.

 

HOWEVER.....after the storm it is sometimes surreal and a part of me wants to melt down and/or pick apart the experience.

 

But....there is still work to do so it IS a 'suck it up and deal with this later' kind of moment.

 

It is a valuable skill. I don't tell my kids "suck it up", but I listen to their concern/frustration/lament and commisserate with them then say, "ok, we need to get back on task".

 

It sounds like you and your dh have a good yin/yang thing going on here. :001_smile:

[Joanne]

I'm coming back to add that I think that (gender scripted) mothering and (gender scripted) fathering are designed, and needed. I think children NEED a mom who understands and lets school "go" for a day. AND children need a Dad to say "enough, suck it up".

 

I don't believe they are mutually exclusive - I think they are complementary.

[melissel]

No, I didn't coddle. In fact part of the reason I sent him off with dh for the errands was because I was afraid that I would blow up at him:D

 

I so hear you :lol:

[MelanieM]

I'm reminded of a really excellent book I read a few years ago called Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. I highly recommend it for anyone that has sons, or husbands, or male friends, or... you get the idea. ;)

[Peela]

I'm coming back to add that I think that (gender scripted) mothering and (gender scripted) fathering are designed, and needed. I think children NEED a mom who understands and lets school "go" for a day. AND children need a Dad to say "enough, suck it up".

 

I don't believe they are mutually exclusive - I think they are complementary.

 

:iagree: with this. I think you are both right and there is a place for both approaches, and I woudl be careful before undermining the more male approach (not that you necessarily are), particularly after giving the more "female" or nurturing approach a good go.

I think your dh has a perfectly valid point and it is factual. In school, kids do learn to suck it up and get on with it. And that develops a certain part of them. It's different telling a 6 or 8 year old he must suck it up in regards to bullying, than telling a teenager to get a hold on his emotions because its disturbing everyone around him and its time to focus on something other than himself.

Generally speaking..I would and do take the more female approach with my highly emotional ds14...and dh takes the more male approach. Ds14 does milk me and manipulate me because of my approach. I do wonder if more male approach and less female approach might be more appropriate at a certian point- but each child and situation is unique. And as Spy Car says...a normal, healthy man with compassion will be able to do both as well.

[Sonshine]

I haven't read all the responses, so sorry if I am being repetitive. I have had 4 13 year old boys (now older). They cry at age 13. Some sort of hormonal thing. I would be more concerned if this was a life long trait (crying for nothing) or he was much older.

[kalanamak]

"Suck it up" is such a man-thing to say :D

 

Bill

 

Our family used "sit up and fly right". Less noisy, more accurate. I'm a fan of it, but it is crucial to add on the second part, which is an immediate return of affectionate behavior by adults once the sitting and flying is done, and no rubbing the nose of the slouchee in it. Once you were behaving, the confident look that you always had and always would returned to the folk's eyes.

[joannqn]

I think you did fine and are right that it would have come out at some point, and may have been worse if he'd been forced to suck it up.

 

.

[Caribbean Queen]

Isn't this part of the many reasons WHY many of us homeschool? The kids will have plenty of time to "suck it up" when they are older. Most kids that age really don't have the coping skills to deal with that yet. And since he's home with you, you can help him learn the coping skills he will need later.

 

I am not saying this in a snarky way, I promise.

 

When the OP's son is an adult and he has a frustrating day, he can

go home and cry in privacy,

change his clothes and take a jog,

or wrap himself in a blanket to calm himself,

BUT he is going to have to keep himself pulled together while at work/driving/at the supermarket.

 

So, I think, ideally, a child can "suck it up and get the job done" and then go off to have herbal suppliments and read a pleasant book, or whatever is soothing. "Suck it up" doesn't mean "Hold in the pain until you explode and go crazy." It just means "Control your emotions now, self-sooth later if necessary."

 

I can't imagine how an adult can function in the world without "suck it up" skills.