How does homeschooling affect your marriage?

[Jenny in GA]

Just thought of something that should be an interesting discussion topic ....

 

Years ago, when my oldest was a baby and I was just learning about homeschooling, I asked a woman at my church about it.

 

I had noticed that all the books and things talk about how great homeschooling was, and I wanted some balance: What are -- or at least could be -- the downsides of homeschooling, I asked her.

 

Her answer surprised me. It was something to this effect:

 

"Although my husband and I do not personally have this problem, there is anecdotal evidence that homeschooling is difficult on a marriage. The focus is so much on the kids that the husband and wife don't have much energy to devote to their relationship together."

 

So what does anybody think about this? Has it been for you? For others you know?

 

Do you believe homeschooling helps a marriage, hurts a marriage ... or not necessarily either?

[Parrothead]

Homeschooling has not had negative effects on ours. I think homeschooling may actually enhance our marriage. We (dd and I) are available to travel with dh if his destination is in driving distance. We are able to do school around his schedule. If he has two days off in the middle of the week school can be moved to different days so we can be off with him. I think that is important especially when dh goes on night shift.

 

Not only does homeschooling afford dd more daddy time it lets me have more time dh doing things we like to do.

 

ETA: Last week when dd was considering going to PS we were all very disappointed to realize that the trip we were planning to Boston would not happen because we would become slaves to the PS schedule. Dh likes for us to be able to travel with him.

 

It might depend on the dh though. I can see some dhs wanting to enjoy being away from the dw and dc.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Parrothead

[delaney]

Just thought of something that should be an interesting discussion topic ....

 

Years ago, when my oldest was a baby and I was just learning about homeschooling, I asked a woman at my church about it.

 

I had noticed that all the books and things talk about how great homeschooling was, and I wanted some balance: What are -- or at least could be -- the downsides of homeschooling, I asked her.

 

Her answer surprised me. It was something to this effect:

 

"Although my husband and I do not personally have this problem, there is anecdotal evidence that homeschooling is difficult on a marriage. The focus is so much on the kids that the husband and wife don't have much energy to devote to their relationship together."

 

So what does anybody think about this? Has it been for you? For others you know?

 

Do you believe homeschooling helps a marriage, hurts a marriage ... or not necessarily either?

Well I have only just started but with 6 kids I don't have time for him as it is!! We run very parallel lives at times and days go by that I don't get to speak more than 10 minutes with him. He is involved in scouts and soccer and I do all the running for dance (5 days per week) and girl scouts plus now homeschool and run behind the 3 yr old and 15 month old. It is something we need to work on for sure. I can see where a mom will become wrapped up in the schooling and really have to focus to make it all work. Who knows?

[mrs.m]

I think for those people homeschooling probably wasn't the problem. There's a root issue in there someplace and homeschooling was easy to point to. So even if they didn't (or eliminated) homeschool they would probably still have the same issues.

 

For us I don't think it makes that much of a difference. He thinks I'm happier because I talk about it all the time. And the kids still aren't first in our house. We school while he is away on travel or working during the day in his office at home.

 

There's a huge difference between child-centered parenting and homeschooling.

 

Just my 2 cents. :)

[elegantlion]

Homeschooling has enhanced my marriage. Dh now gets time with both of us. We are less stressed because we're not thinking about private school tuition payments, fundraisers, uniforms, or getting ds to bed by 9 so he can get the right amount of sleep.

 

We have greater family unity which was one of the reasons we chose to homeschool. That makes my dh happy, which makes him a better spouse, which makes me a better spouse...etc...the circle continues.

[Mrs Mungo]

We've homeschooled all along, so, I don't know how things would be different if we did not homeschool.

 

I will say I think my husband resented my not working a bit in the beginning but he is seeing the financial benefits now that our kids are older and he's not paying for private schools.

 

Now? I actually limit our activities. We might do a season of soccer where we're busy every evening but I don't sign up for back-to-back sports seasons that keep up busy constantly. I know my hubby and I need that time to connect and be together. After all, we're stuck with each other long after the children have flown the nest. That relationship is important to continue to foster. :001_smile:

[Renee in NC]

I don't think it has much of an effect, other than when I am ready to "put them in school tomorrow" dh won't let me.:tongue_smilie: However, I don't know any differently - we have always homeschooled. If they went to school, I might be a little less loony as I could actually be alone sometimes and not listen to them bicker all day!:glare::lol:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, if I were to put the kids into the local p.s. but remain a SAHM then I don't think there would be a change to our already healthy marriage. But if I were to put the kids into the p.s. and then work, I think it would be a strain on our marriage because it would be a strain on my health.

 

Our marriage is healthy because we do set aside some time for each other. I feel like because the kids do get so much of my time during the day, I don't feel bad focusing more on dh in the evenings and weekends when he is home.

[Mrs Mungo]

Our marriage is healthy because we do set aside some time for each other. I feel like because the kids do get so much of my time during the day, I don't feel bad focusing more on dh in the evenings and weekends when he is home.

 

This is an excellent point.

[Tree House Academy]

Homeschooling has had the OPPOSITE effect on our marriage. It has brought us so much closer as a family. My husband is so proud of what we are doing for the kids with me teaching them. It has been a Godsend in so many ways. :)

[Crissy]

"Although my husband and I do not personally have this problem, there is anecdotal evidence that homeschooling is difficult on a marriage. The focus is so much on the kids that the husband and wife don't have much energy to devote to their relationship together."

 

 

 

 

One might say that, "Although my husband and I do not personally have this problem, there is anecdotal evidence that having children is difficult on a marriage. The focus is so much on the kids that the husband and wife don't have much energy to devote to their relationship together."

[Impish]

It improves our homelife over all, so I would say its had a positive effect on our marriage.

 

Diva is no longer miserable after a day at school. Therefore, she doesn't have the miserable attitude as she did, which was of course, a strain on the entire family.

 

Wolf sees first hand how much happier she is, and also how much Tazzie and Princess are doing, and brags about our homeschooling at work.

 

He's proud of me. He knows some days are hard, either because Diva isn't cooperative or my pain levels are up, but he knows that while the housework may not have even gotten a glance, the children have still been learning, and he's proud of me for it, despite any and all challenges.

 

He's said to me, and others that he wouldn't dream of the kids going to ps ever again, and its because of me that thats possible. He admits that he couldn't manage homeschooling the way I do. He helps out, don't get me wrong, but talking curricula has his eyes glaze over and him begging me to call SpecialMama to discuss it! :lol:

 

We have more family time. There's no push to get homework done in the evenings (unless Diva hasn't finished her work during the day), he knows his kids are safe. We could take off (imagining we had the money:lol:) and not worry about anyone's schedule but that which we impose on ourselves.

 

Also, for us, its become a faith issue. We believe that we are commanded to be good stewards of that which God has blessed us with, and that goes for our children. We know that putting them in school would not be doing the best we can for them, either academically or socially, or emotionally.

[Impish]

One might say that, "Although my husband and I do not personally have this problem, there is anecdotal evidence that having children is difficult on a marriage. The focus is so much on the kids that the husband and wife don't have much energy to devote to their relationship together."

:iagree::lol::lol::lol:

[kmacnchs]

Do you believe homeschooling helps a marriage, hurts a marriage ... or not necessarily either?

 

I'd say it depends on the marriage.

 

My dh is 100% on board w/homeschooling (no one had to talk anyone into it) and I ask for his advice about what we are doing, how they are doing, how much we should do, etc. a lot. He feels involved w/o being stressed (he doesn't teach anything and I try to tell him mostly positive things that happen). So in our instance, so far, I would say it has helped our marriage or not affected our marriage.

 

However, my MIL homeschools my SIL and when her dh comes to visit (he lives in Ecuador most of the year), it is MORE than a source of contention. We are not allowed to mention hs or he threatens to put his dd in public school every time. It bothers me to no end but their marriage is not one I would want in the first place, so it's not the only thing that bothers me...

[LarlaB]

One might say that, "Although my husband and I do not personally have this problem, there is anecdotal evidence that having children is difficult on a marriage. The focus is so much on the kids that the husband and wife don't have much energy to devote to their relationship together."

 

Agreed. :D

 

However, for me homeschooling 'takes it up a notch'. We took a week off from school last week and lo & behold, I was actually a kinder, nicer, less-stressed mommy. I enjoyed playing with my kids, doing simply household chores and not feeling overwhelmed. I wish that the 2-3 hours per day of homeschooling didn't change our dynamics so much. :confused:

 

So as for our marriage being affected? Yes. Its affected because I"m affected.

[WiseOwlKnits]

It has helped ours. I think that's it's easy for any couple with young kids to get so wrapped up in the kids that they forget to nurture their relationship. People seem to forget that a marriage can be hard work and I would think it would be worse if the kids were in school and we had the stress of after-school care/homework/etc. that most of our PS friends deal with.

 

DH and I make a point of doing little things to try to show one another how much we care for the other. We both believe that the best gift you can give your children is a strong and happy marriage.

[Rosy]

Agreed. :D

 

However, for me homeschooling 'takes it up a notch'. We took a week off from school last week and lo & behold, I was actually a kinder, nicer, less-stressed mommy. I enjoyed playing with my kids, doing simply household chores and not feeling overwhelmed. I wish that the 2-3 hours per day of homeschooling didn't change our dynamics so much. :confused:

 

So as for our marriage being affected? Yes. Its affected because I"m affected.

 

That's how I feel too. I don't have as much time to do the little things that make DH happy, I'm lucky if I get anything done besides homeschooling in a day. When I can't keep up on the house, keep paperwork organized, get bills paid on time, etc, that can be a strain. When I can't drop everything and do something for him, that can occasionally be a strain. My husband isn't demanding, but sometimes his needs seem more urgent to him than they do to me. Also, I feel like I have less to give at the end of the day if it's been a rough day or if we've been too busy.

 

Now, I will say that I think these things would be way worse if I was working full-time and had the kids in school. Part-time might not be as bad, but I'm sure the fallout of the effects of PS on the kids, having less time together, etc. would have its challenges too.

[chaik76]

Homeschooling has not had a negative effect on dh's and my marriage. I don't focus on our children to the exclusion of him...and honestly, I think that can be a problem in any marriage...whichever way children are schooled.

 

If anything, it makes our lives easier because we are able to coordinate our schedules to have time together more easily.

[mcconnellboys]

Well, we might be an anomoly, but we're all about our kids, anyway. We were together 8 years before we had children. We were older when we had children and we had to struggle to get them sparked and get them into the world. So we're happy to have them and know that it's for a very short time and we'd like to enjoy those couple of decades. We had plenty of times for ourselves before them - and there will be plenty after they go off on their own.

 

We have made sacrifices by my not working this past decade, but we're still okay. And now that we're getting older, I think our priorities are changing, anyway. Stuff, material stuff, that comes with more income, isn't all that important to us any more.

[kewb]

Homeschooling has brought new stress into our marriage and eliminated other stresses. The big stress is money. When we were both working full time we had disposable income and were frugal but living comfortably. Now that we are 100% dependent on his salary it has brought a lot of stress with it. We come at finances from two very different points and it makes things challenging.

[Sweetpeach]

Am I ever shocked by these optimistic, positive responses about homeschooling and marriage.

 

We're in our 6th year of hs'ing and I would say that there was a direct and deep correlation between hs'ing and a happy marriage.

 

I was so over the top concerned about school and if the kids were doing ok. I spent my days with them and my evenings cruising the computer or these boards -- I blame SWR for my third year misery.

 

Certainly, I've worked hard on being more balanced; we're no longer flipping, renovating or moving and we've settled into a home that feels permanent. I have no doubt in my mind that homeschooling contributes to the speed of my crazy train. My DH just remarked a few weeks ago that it seems I'm finding my groove and I did take Dr. Covey's "press pause" advice to heart.

 

We've enjoyed the benefits of hs'ing but I do wonder what marriage life would like here if I weren't spending all day, every day with little people.

 

Warmly, Tricia

[melissel]

Homeschooling has brought new stress into our marriage and eliminated other stresses. The big stress is money. When we were both working full time we had disposable income and were frugal but living comfortably. Now that we are 100% dependent on his salary it has brought a lot of stress with it. We come at finances from two very different points and it makes things challenging.

 

Our situation is similar here. DH is not thrilled to death that I chose HSing over working, but he understands and supports my choice, and he does agree that this is the best situation we can create right now (since he refuses to move anywhere less expensive than here, especially).

 

The main stressor, though, has been the fact that I'm an introvert, and HSing leaves me almost no time to recharge. As someone else said, HSing has an effect on our marriage because it has this effect on me. I'm working on finding a better balance, and leaving my job will help that.

[sassenach]

There is no easy answer to this. I believe that there are moments where hsing contributes to marital stress. I also believe that are times when it alleviates stress. I think it's all about how individuals handle the stressors in their lives, and the dynamic of individual marriages in response. The variables are endless. If you are the type of person who is easily stressed, a perfectionist, someone who tends to take their stress out on those around you, then hsing might effect your marriage negatively.

 

If you are a go with the flow type of person, or the type who has developed healthy ways of managing stress, then hsing shouldn't be a problem.

 

Now if you are the first person I described, you could take just about any life challenge and turn it into something negative for your family.

 

For my marriage, I don't think it has been a negative. There are days when I'm stressed, there are days when I don't handle that stress well, but overall I don't think that I am a stressed out, negative person. Hsing has provided a lot of flexibility in our lives, which is a plus. My dd being 12 and hsing has provided a massive amount of stress this year, so that's been a negative. Dh and I have been on the same page with our hsing choices 99% of the time. I was a sahm before hsing, so it hasn't effected our income at all.

 

I would say that the only thing that would probably be better without hsing is my ability to keep up with housework. Even though dh is a certifiable type A neat freak, he has become amazingly flexible about this.

 

So overall I do not see hsing as a stressor on our marriage, but I think that reflects the health of our marriage, not the level of stress that hsing injects into it.

[Rosie_0801]

One might say that, "Although my husband and I do not personally have this problem, there is anecdotal evidence that having children is difficult on a marriage. The focus is so much on the kids that the husband and wife don't have much energy to devote to their relationship together."

 

Ain't that the truth! Our relationship flowed so much more smoothly back when we could stay in bed until ten on the weekends, eat pudding for breakfast and spend the afternoon playing computer games together :lol:

 

Rosie

[HRAAB]

If both parents aren't on board about homeschooling, it could definitely have a negative impact on your marriage. That hasn't been my experience. In fact, I think it has probably made our marriage better. Homeschooling has helped my focus be on my home and family. Not that I wouldn't love my family otherwise, but I think it's made home more important. If I wasn't homeschooling, I would probably be working, and I'm afraid I might not be as attentive to home life as I am now. I've always tried to make time for my dh because I know our marriage needs attention and time but also because I enjoy being with him so much. When he was working, evenings after dinner would be our time to take a walk, have a private chat or whatever. Now that the little ones are older, we get out a couple times a week. That is important for us.

 

The only negative I can see is financial. We've survived but it has been tight at times. Right now is a little rough since dh is unemployed, but if it weren't for money, I love having him at home. It has been such a blessings for our children to have dad here. I wish we could make it last.

[Peela]

I would say it has been hard on our marriage at times. When the kids were at school we would often go out to movies and lunch together- when I wasnt at my part time job. Dh's job gives him a lot of spare hours during the daytime and I have felt the need to "train" dh so to speak, that homeschooling is my full time job and I can't just go out during the day at his whim. It's been a bit hard on him at times- for me, the sacrifice is worth it. And, ultimately, for him too- he wants me to homechool.

Two weeks ago we went on a sort of 2nd honeymoon to Bali for 4 days without our kids. It was the first time we had had a holiday without the kids since they were born. We had such a beautiful time and as our kids are now teens we are really feeling the joy of being able to spend more time together since the kids are so often out with friends or doing their own thing.

Perhaps for families where the husband works long hours, it doesnt make a lot of difference. For ours, where we both have enjoyed a good lifestyle and plenty of free time, it has made an impact that could be called negative- but its been worth it and neither of us would want it any other way. And, it will pass.

The other thing is- we were actually living separately when I started homeschooling. It actually did bring us back together, because he wanted to support me with it. So in that way, it was goodfor our marriage.

One of my vows about parenting is that I have always wanted to have no regrets. I had heard so many mothers say they had regrets about parenting. I feel I have parented the best way I know how, starting with long term breastfeeding and attachment parenting and ending up homeschooling. I actually have no regrets- at this stage, anyway- but it has involved a certain totality that has pushed dh aside many times. Fortunately, overall, he has handled it with a lot of patience and understanding - he is really a high maintenance kind of dh, loves lots of attention from me- but he is also a generous spirit and has managed well.

[dangermom]

I don't think it has had a negative effect, but we have never been to PS so I don't have a control group. I also tend to focus more on my husband when he's home, since I do so much with the kids all day (he is very good about doing most of the evening stuff with them, and I'm not sure he would put that much effort into it if I hadn't already had them for the whole day, so there's a benefit).

 

We have a weekly date night, which is wonderful for us, and in fact quite necessary. :)

[SusanAR]

No problems here, though dh jokingly told me Monday night that he will be glad when I no longer bring a precalculus book to bed:001_huh:

[Aoife]

Actually I think it is quite the opposite at least from my experience. We have 50/50 joint custody of my DSDs and the week we have them DH becomes a different person who is stressed, moody and tired all day long from the hectic nature of PS. He has to be up by 6am to get himself and the girls ready for school, work all day then leave to pick them up 5ish and home at 6 for dinner. We are lucky to get them in bed by 8 then have an hour or two to ourselves before it begins again. Now come sports season if one of the kids has soccer or something then he doesn't get home until almost right before their bedtime. But the weeks that they are with their mom he is calm, gets to sleep in until 9ish, still gets home from work about 6ish but then gets to stay up till 12 or so. DH is NOT a morning person so he dreads school. It sucks too because when we have the girls they only get stressed out snappy dad not calm collected awesome dad. Since their mom is pretty much 100% against HSing he has flopped between just letting her have them during the week days just to make it less stressful on him. So I say HS=better more time and PS = stressed out awfulness

[kalanamak]

 

" The focus is so much on the kids that the husband and wife don't have much energy to devote to their relationship together."

 

 

 

This is a true, but positive statement for me, in the circumstances we are in now.

[Joanne]

I'm divorced from the children's father and I can't say homeschooling or not had *anything* to do with that.

 

HSing is not an issue in my remarriage.

 

I don't think homeschooling is often an issue, I think it's a place for existing issues to show up.

[Paintedlady]

No adverse effects here. If anything it's made our marriage and family closer. We're happier than we've ever been.