Angry And Hurt

[Impish]

I've been part of a group since Tazzie was barely dry from birth. This group has seen good and bad, and usually really supportive. As in any group, there are those that simply don't like me, and that's to be expected.

 

That being said, something has happened twice in the past two weeks that has hurt me badly. As much as I try to tell myself that none of these people have met me face to face, have been in my home, etc etc, I was awake all night last night, upset about it.

 

I have been accused of treating Diva like a slave by two of the women. Apparently, becoming disabled means you also become abusive.

 

They base this on Diva having chores, and *gasp* walking our dog. Diva's chores consist of helping clear and set the table, and doing the supper dishes. There was even a comment about 'no wonder you homeschool, how else would the housework get done?'

 

All my children have chores. As I mentioned in other threads, they earn electronic time by doing chores. They get poker chips worth different amounts of time, and then 'spend' them for tv, puter, xbox, etc. To Wolf and I, this serves two purposes. One, it gets them off the electronic addiction. Two, it teaches them responsibility and life skills.

 

Diva also loves to bake, and help me with preparing meals. We've started grocery shopping together, on a budget, so she can learn more about how and why I put the meals together I do, and budgeting skills.

 

While I realize that there will always be some people who are just plain nasty and out to cause hurt, that none of the people who said these things are ones I've ever considered 'friends', being accused of mistreating my child is painful. Especially so, because its one of my worst fears.

 

Diva is the kind of kid that would help out no matter what. I'm very careful, to the point of being paranoid, about not allowing her to do too much, of ensuring that I don't rob her of her childhood by relying on her too much.

 

It hurts. I've never ever abused my kids, and never could. The members of this group have been with me through Tazzie as a baby, then when I was pregnant with Princess...and now this.

 

I think I'll just stay at the Hive from now on.

Edited December 2, 2009 by Impish

[i.love.lucy]

I will say, that's a new one: "Homeschooling Motivation #37: Your children make great slaves! Get all your housework done!!":confused:

 

Sorry you had to endure that. It's just stupid and ignorant to even think such things, let alone allow them to come out of your mouth...er, hands typing. I would venture a guess that these women would NEVER say such a thing to your face, much less had they really met you and had a relationship with you.

 

Steer clear! Love the ones you're with here at the hive!!:D

[Wendi]

They don't know what they're talking about.

 

Some people don't believe in having kids do any chores. To them, having a 10yo help out so much seems weird. They're choosing some strong and hurtful words, which is wrong of them.

 

Try to let it go.

 

:grouphug:

 

Wendi

[LibraryLover]

Is this an online group, like a Due Date Club, or is it your actual real time support/hs group?

[tdeveson]

I don't know your group or your situation, but if it's any help, none of the chores you described seem "abusive" in any way. My 10-year-old son is required to make his own bed and tidy his room. He is also required to unload the dishwasher every morning. I have a full-time housekeeper. I don't "need" him to make his bed, clean his room, or sort his own laundry, but I would be doing him a terrible disservice if I allowed him to think that housework happens magically.

 

Children need responsibilities or they will surely develop an unhealthy and unattractive sense of entitlement. I can't think of a better way to teach your daughter about nutrition, budgeting and meal planning, than to actually have her participate in the work.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It always sucks when people who don't know the first thing about you feel free to judge your life.

[HRAAB]

I had a friend who was appalled that another friend's high school daughter had a few chores around the house - like cleaning up after herself, getting her clothes in the laundry, etc. The first friend thought high school students shouldn't have to do anything; at the most you could ask, "Honey, if you have the time could you please pick up your books?"

 

When my twins were born (one had a health problem with 3 surgeries) my older two girls did a lot of work around the house. I hate to think what could have been said about that. But, we're a family, it's a group effort. It takes all of us. Sometimes, one or two do more than what appears to be fair, but then it changes. That's life.

[joannqn]

I will say, that's a new one: "Homeschooling Motivation #37: Your children make great slaves! Get all your housework done!!":confused:

 

 

Is that what I'm doing wrong? I'm actually teaching the kids school subjects during the day rather than making them clean the house all day?

 

 

Imp, ignore it the best you can. If that is all she is doing, you're fine. I'm not disabled yet my kids do more chores than that...and they are younger.

[Impish]

Its an online group, one I've been in since long before homeschooling.

 

The latest came in a thread I posted about my new hair cut and colour!

 

I just need to take some time, and figure out if I even want to bother going there anymore. I hate the idea of being 'run out' of a group, but at the same time...*sigh*

[jujsky]

Not that I'm trying to make excuses for the women in this group, but do any of them have children who are Diva's age? From the tagline on your post, it looks like your oldest is 10, and your little one you joined this group with is 4. It's possible that if they are all the moms of 4 year-olds, that they don't realize what a 10 year-old child is capable of.

 

I see nothing wrong with earning electronic time by doing chores. I wish I had the self-discipline to do that. 10 year-old kids in my neighborhood walk their dogs because they want to -- that's fun for a kid. Cooking? Hey, if she likes to cook, that's great! What an awesome life-skill you're giving her at an early age. I wanted my mom to teach me to cook so badly at that age and because she hated cooking and just wanted to get it over with every night, she never let me help with it. That's great quality time you're spending with your kid.

 

Also, different parents have different expectations. I've seen parents who expect nothing of their children, and I've seen parents who truly have put too many expectations on their kids (as in the kids do all the housework, the mom does nothing, and no -- no medical issues with mom in that case). My kids have been doing simple chores since they were 4. My mom never gave us chores. She grew up in a large family and had lots of daily chores. She didn't want to do that to us, so she went the other day. Not having chores and responsibilities HURT ME in the long-run. That was obviously not my mom's intent -- she was trying to be nice and allow us to be children. I can tell you though that as an adult, I truly struggle with housework, time-management, and organizational skills that I think some structured chores and responsibilities early in life would have given me. I didn't know how to do anything when I got out into the world. Your girls will be prepared.

[Stacie]

When outsiders who know nothing of our family dynamics butt into our business, I consider their advice and thoughts worth exactly what I paid for it! You know your family and know that it's none of their business. And sleep well because of it.

[angelmorris]

Kids these days are so irresponsible. You might remind them that it wasn't long ago that children were expected to get up before school to feed animals/milk cows ect then come home and work as well.

Tell them your raising hardworking children and to lay off.

I'm so sorry they are treating you that way HUGS.

[Sophia]

They sound like foolish women who will someday regret not teaching their dc to do chores.

They are sooo not worth a second thought.

 

Dh and I recently had an incident where a couple who really are (were) very close friends, called us "sell-outs" and adopted a self-righteous attitude toward us for putting our oldest ds in a high school co-op. :001_huh:

 

My reaction was overwhelming shock and surprise that they would be so insulting. Our relationship has changed because (if that's how they feel) they are not who I thought they were, and clearly we aren't who they thought we were either :lol:

 

But their judgement of me did not phase me or prompt me to question our decision at all!

 

If you know you are doing the right thing for your family (and teaching dc responsibility and helpfulness is always the right thing!) then let the rhino skin deflect the barbs and avoid those people like the poison they are.

[Dawn in OH]

Don't let those witches upset you!

 

I don't think your chores for Diva are unreasonable. They are very age appropriate.

 

My 7 & 8 year olds help set and clear the table, take turns washing dishes, fold and put away their own laundry and help tidy up the living room twice a day. My son changes the bathroom garbage and my daughter the kitchen. They take turns sweeping the hair up in the bathroom.

 

As someone else stated, maybe their children are younger and they have no concept of what a 10 year old is capable of.

 

I have met some families through homeschooling activities that tend to let their children run loose. No chores. Hardly any schooling. All fun and extra curricular activities. I know they think I'm pretty hard on my kids, but I do also have the oldest 2 kids in the group, and maybe they don't understand yet because their children are so young. The next oldest child is 6 months younger than my 2nd child, and her mom is beginning to ask questions about how I work the chores.

 

Don't let what anyone else has to say bother you. They don't know you, or your family, or your circumstances. It's none of their business.

[Audrey]

Yes I notice a lot of people these days seem to equate chores with child slave labor.

 

 

Oh dear... not only does ds do household chores like making his bed, helping with dishes, helping wipe down the bathrooms, taking his turn to feed the indoor kitties and being responsible for picking up his own toys, clothes, etc., he also has farm chores that include feeding and grooming his calf on his own (except his dad loads the hay in), and taking his turn feeding chickens and collecting eggs.

 

I must be a regular ol' Simon Legree then. :confused:

[Impish]

Thanks everyone. Your responses are truly appreciated.

 

My biggest problem right now is pain and sleep. My stupid brain wouldn't shut off last night, which meant my pain levels went up...and since I don't have any rest, my pain levels are up more, and I have less energy reserves to cope with it.

 

*sigh*

 

And the children's ages in the group run from newborn to mid 20s, so its not that Diva is the only 11 yo (I need to change my sig!).

 

I think a large part of it is that the women that slung that accusation at me don't require anything of their kids. One even went to her kid's school to protest his suspension...it wasn't his fault he had shoved a girl to the ground, it was that he was teased in two classes prior (both of which she admits were dealt with by teachers).

 

I know I should have just considered the source and let it go...but as I said, its one of my biggest fears, that my disability robs my children in any fashion...and being accused of child abuse, especially when I grew up in an abusive home, was incredibly hurtful.

[MariannNOVA]

I've been part of a group since Tazzie was barely dry from birth. This group has seen good and bad, and usually really supportive. As in any group, there are those that simply don't like me, and that's to be expected.

 

That being said, something has happened twice in the past two weeks that has hurt me badly. As much as I try to tell myself that none of these people have met me face to face, have been in my home, etc etc, I was awake all night last night, upset about it.

 

I have been accused of treating Diva like a slave by two of the women. Apparently, becoming disabled means you also become abusive.

 

They base this on Diva having chores, and *gasp* walking our dog. Diva's chores consist of helping clear and set the table, and doing the supper dishes. There was even a comment about 'no wonder you homeschool, how else would the housework get done?'

 

All my children have chores. As I mentioned in other threads, they earn electronic time by doing chores. They get poker chips worth different amounts of time, and then 'spend' them for tv, puter, xbox, etc. To Wolf and I, this serves two purposes. One, it gets them off the electronic addiction. Two, it teaches them responsibility and life skills.

 

Diva also loves to bake, and help me with preparing meals. We've started grocery shopping together, on a budget, so she can learn more about how and why I put the meals together I do, and budgeting skills.

 

While I realize that there will always be some people who are just plain nasty and out to cause hurt, that none of the people who said these things are ones I've ever considered 'friends', being accused of mistreating my child is painful. Especially so, because its one of my worst fears.

 

Diva is the kind of kid that would help out no matter what. I'm very careful, to the point of being paranoid, about not allowing her to do too much, of ensuring that I don't rob her of her childhood by relying on her too much.

 

It hurts. I've never ever abused my kids, and never could. The members of this group have been with me through Tazzie as a baby, then when I was pregnant with Sarah...and now this.

 

I think I'll just stay at the Hive from now on.

 

 

I didn't read the other answers, so forgive me if someone else has said this -- I'm writing to commend you and Wolf! I read your post and I am so in awe of you and the incredibly responsible way that your DD10 is being taught and raised. We have a DD10 and she sounds like she would get along famously with your DD10! I have to be careful with her b/c she has such a servant's heart that she would do everything if I let her!

 

I know how much it hurts to have others say unkind and untrue stuff about you -- as someone here told me: Be the duck and let it roll off your back (or something like that) -- but the image of the duck makes me smile so go with it!:D

 

It does, however, never cease to amaze me (even in my advanced age *55*) how cruel and unkind and STUPID (there, I've said it) individuals can be in the ridiculous and incorrect assumptions they make about others!

 

You just hang in there! :grouphug:

[Impish]

Oh dear... not only does ds do household chores like making his bed, helping with dishes, helping wipe down the bathrooms, taking his turn to feed the indoor kitties and being responsible for picking up his own toys, clothes, etc., he also has farm chores that include feeding and grooming his calf on his own (except his dad loads the hay in), and taking his turn feeding chickens and collecting eggs.

 

I must be a regular ol' Simon Legree then. :confused:

That's when the first accusation came up, actually...I'd mentioned that we were hoping to move to an acreage, and got accused of poor Diva having to do all the work, and my 'dreams coming on her back, at her expense'.

[PineFarmMom]

"More hands make less work." We kind of live by that around here. The kids and I are always amazed what can be accomplished by us when we set the timer for 15 minutes and just GO!! I swear we can make this house shine, between myself, the older two, then the younger two doing whatever they're capable of.

 

My older two are involved in some fun outside activities that require a lot of my time & energy. If "I" had to do everything around here, I'd cancel their fun stuff so I could get the necessitites in life accomplished. They know that if it weren't for their help we couldn't keep our home running AND do the fun stuff.

 

To me it's just logic! I'd be more inclined to put the ball in those other moms' courts and ask just exactly what it is they are trying to accomplish in their children's character by allowing them to take, take, take and be lazy. My older two children could run this house and cook meals if I were gone. That's a good thing!

[StephanieZ]

When my dh was in 3rd grade (about 9 yo), his catholic-school teacher, a *nun*, called in his mom to discuss something she was concerned about. (This was the mid 70s)

 

She was concerned b/c dh had the daily chore of feeding the horses every morning before school. In the snow. Dragging a hay-laden sled of hay across the snow. In Ohio. In the snow-belt around the lake. The teacher/nun thought this was too much. (I'm sure it took maybe 15 min and was well within his physical capabilities.)

 

Hahahahaha. My MIL did NOT change dh's chore.

 

DH had other chores, too. They also had hired helpers, lots of stuff, lots of $$, education paid for through private colleges. . . etc.

 

DH grew up into the most hardworking, highachieving, caring, generous person I have ever *met*.

 

Anyway, there are always people around waiting to criticize. Even catholic school nuns from the 1970s (who weren't known for their gentleness!) Don't sweat it. Just move on.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I was in an online chat for 5 or 6 years. Then, all of a sudden, someone in the group sort of turned on me. I had considered her a friend for those years and nothing had ever been said about certain "rules." I was very hurt. I even talked to a real life friend about it. I never felt welcome or comfortable in that chat again. I found another similar chat room and have been enjoying it for 2 or 3 years now. Once in a while, I still will pop into that old chat room, but it has changed and there aren't many people there now. Quite a few have found the room I now go to. :)

 

So, yes, I do understand your hurt. It is real.

Hugs to you,

Pam

[ereks mom]

They can think what they want, but it can't hurt us if we don't pay any attention to them, because they are there are we are here. That's what I've had to say to myself a lot of times when someone is critical of my family or me. It is very freeing to remind yourself that they are not walking in your shoes, so they don't know what's best for your family.

 

As for the chores for your children, GOOD FOR YOU! My dc have always had chores, and they are better for it. Now that they are older, they are actually proud of the fact that they know how to sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms, do dishes, make beds, take out trash, clean out the birdcage, feed the pets, fold laundry, do a little cooking & mending, and all the other chores they had to do while growing up. They have friends who, as older teens, have never had responsibilities around the house, and they pity those friends because they don't know how to do anything for themselves. Chores teach a child responsibility, a good work ethic, and to take pride in a job well done. I am so glad that I taught my kids those things by giving them chores. They won't have to be dependent on anyone else to do those things for them.

[linders]

Yikes!:grouphug: You need a new group! DH and I worry that our boys have too few responsibilities versus what we had at their ages. Besides tidying their own rooms they sort/put away their own laundry plus the household towels, empty the dishwasher, set and clear the table, clean their own bathroom (DS9 loves this chore!), dust, Swiffer floors, help with yard work, and do other miscellaneous things as needed.

 

I remind them often how fortunate they are to (a) live in a time of modern conveniences (e.g., Swiffers!) and (b) not live on a farm, where the chores are quadrpled.

 

I cringe at the idea of managing coddled kids who grow up and enter the workforce. Give me a farm-raised kid any day. Really. I had 2 on my staff long ago and they were the hardest workers.

[mommyto3]

I posted yesterday on my Facebook that I made and am starting the chore packs with my kids and someone actually posted a link to the AAP website saying that some parents expect to much of their children and are too demanding. :glare:

 

I felt the same way you do, giving my kids simple chores is too demanding of them? Asking them to pick up their toys and vacuum the kitchen floor? Things they are all 3 perfectly capable of doing?

 

Chores are not anything near abuse or forced child labor. It's called helping out because you live here too.

 

:grouphug:

[Crimson Wife]

Did you say that you're getting flack for giving Diva chores because she has a disability? If not, I apologize for misreading your OP.

 

If that is the case, you should know that my aunt's lifelong best friend has a DD with Down Syndrome. L. is a little bit younger than me, probably 29 or 30ish. Her mom ALWAYS made her help out with tasks appropriate to her abilities. Because L.'s mom did this, she has been able to hold down steady employment as an adult. Yes, L. needs a higher level of supervision than the average person off the street, but she is a very hard and very loyal worker. Even in this economy, that counts for something :001_smile:

[Amber in SJ]

This may have some Christian content, so feel free to ignore if you are not into that.

 

People commenting on the number of chores my children do is one of my pet peeves. Right up there with asking me if my husband "helps me" around the house and if he "babysits" the children.

 

My children have chores around the house because there are 6 people in the house and no maid. I am not the maid. I am the mom. Everyone who lives here has work to do, because they live here and eat here and make messes here. I have been accused of giving them too many chores and I have been accused of expecting my older ones to "parent" their younger siblings because they babysit when my Dh & I have date night. For the record, we choose a weeknight so as to not interfere with any other babysitting opportunities or social life.

 

To those people I generally say that I would never deny my children the opportunity to love and serve our family. How could I deny them the opportunity to become more Christ-like? Our home is a little greenhouse for these tender spirits. What kind of adult would I be sending out into the world if I had never asked them serve one another and taught them the joys of that service? What kind of husbands and wives, or moms and dads would they be if they had never learned what it truly means to be part of a family? That is what we are; a family. We are not a group of people who just happen to live together. We are a family unit who all need to work together to survive.

 

When we read the Little House books I always point out that 1) the girls had chores, 2) When Ma & Pa went into town the girls were expected to take care of each other plus the house & animals, 3) when Laura starts to earn her own money she gives it to Ma & Pa without a second thought because she recognized all the loving sacrifice Ma & Pa had done for her.

 

I don't want to raise a brat who thinks she is entitled to things without working for them. I don't want to raise someone who is not self-reliant enough to be able to care for herself.

 

Two months ago our dishwasher broke and we can't afford to replace it. I discovered that my darlings don't know how to wash dishes by hand. Now they do. It is an important skill.

 

When my oldest dd was 14 and her younger siblings were 10, 5 & 3. I had an opportunity to take a week long training in another state. I had never been away from them overnight and dh couldn't take the week off. I went and the 14yo took care of the family while dh was at work. We had neighbors & friends that she could call on at all times. Some moms in my group were horrified and one told me she would never dream of "imposing" on her oldest child for something so selfish. I was proud of my dd and I think she was proud of herself, too.

 

My last two pregnancies required bed rest. It was very difficult but the kids took care of each other. The older ones could get drinks and make sandwiches for the younger ones. It was a beautiful thing to see.

 

OK, this reply got out of control. I just meant to tell you that you are doing a great job and keep it up! :grouphug:

 

Amber in SJ

[Maria from IN]

It sounds to me like these parents aren't going to know what hit them. Ten years from now, are they going to have children who can't cook, clean up after themselves, do their own laundry-basic car maintenance-yard work?

 

And are those parents going to complain that their kids "just don't get it?"

Probably.

 

Unfortunately, you'll have to wait those ten years to say, "boy, that long-term investment in my kids really paid off! They're capable, tidy adults now!"

[mommyto3]

Right up there with asking me if my husband "helps me" around the house and if he "babysits" the children.

 

 

 

I HATE it when people say the dad is babysitting the children. It's called fathering.

 

I've been pretty sick at the beginning of this pg and my 7yo comes to me and asks me if there is anything he can get me. a drink, a popsicle, whatever. We are also teaching our kids that showing Christ means helping and serving others.

[Impish]

No, I'm the one with a disability. People seem to think that since my disability occurred, I have turned Diva into Cinderella, doing all *my* work.

[Impish]

I HATE it when people say the dad is babysitting the children. It's called fathering.

 

I've been pretty sick at the beginning of this pg and my 7yo comes to me and asks me if there is anything he can get me. a drink, a popsicle, whatever. We are also teaching our kids that showing Christ means helping and serving others.

Yup, I've been asked if Wolf babysits the kids. No, he parents them, just as I do!

 

Thanks everyone. I genuinely feel so much better now.

[chiguirre]

Imp, those are very reasonable chores for an 11yo. Learning to cook is a great life skill and will make Diva more independent and confident. People pay good money in my town to send their kids to cooking classes, think of it as hsing the cooking lessons! And as a reference, my 10yo moderately autistic son has shopping and cooking skills included in his lessons at private school and I have him help me out at home, too. He's not ready to cook independently, but that is our goal.

 

Feeling guilty about how your disability affects your kids' lives is normal, but you can't change it. You didn't choose it and neither did they, but it is something you all have to face and it impacts all of your lives. There's no way to avoid that. But almost everyone faces challenges and struggles and these are the ones that your family has to deal with. It can be helpful to think about people in worse situations, because it puts your life and your kids' lives in perspective and gives you something to be grateful for.

 

And if an online group is that stressful, it's time to ditch it, IMHO.

 

:grouphug:

[LittleIzumi]

My 4-year-old knows how to fold her own clothes. Bet they would shoot me, eh :lol:

Sometimes online groups get toxic, even when they aren't being as abusive as yours sounds. Toxic relationships aren't worth it, even online. :grouphug:

[mommyto3]

My 4yo begs to help fold clothes. Maybe I shouldn't let her? :lol: Granted, it's not perfect, but she can fold a towel. And put her own clothes away.

[Emmy]

I think that situations like this are one of the risks of investing too much in an online world of friendships. Message boards and groups of friends that meet online aren't the same as IRL friendships. It's so easy at various stages of life to depend more on online involvements than IRL friendships, but it can come at a price or at the least - can lead to an unhappy situation like this. I was part of a group that started on a public message board, migrated to a private message board and eventually imploded on itself - it was definitely a big lesson learned for me. I enjoy the chatter here and on some scrapbook boards with people that I share an interest with - but I don't invest myself emotionally in online friendships anymore.

 

That being said - hugs to you - I understand how hard it is to feel like people have ganged up on you for no legitimate reason.

[Nakia]

 

 

My children have chores around the house because there are 6 people in the house and no maid. I am not the maid. I am the mom. Everyone who lives here has work to do, because they live here and eat here and make messes here.

 

To those people I generally say that I would never deny my children the opportunity to love and serve our family. How could I deny them the opportunity to become more Christ-like? Our home is a little greenhouse for these tender spirits. What kind of adult would I be sending out into the world if I had never asked them serve one another and taught them the joys of that service? What kind of husbands and wives, or moms and dads would they be if they had never learned what it truly means to be part of a family? That is what we are; a family. We are not a group of people who just happen to live together. We are a family unit who all need to work together to survive.

 

 

 

 

 

I love your post Amber! These two paragraphs stood out to me! Very well said!!

 

And Imp, girl, you are doing great!!! I admire you! Hang in there!

[Rosie_0801]

Well Diva isn't going to turn out to be one of those people who still live at home at age 37 because they are so incapable and lazy that no one wants to marry them! Seriously, when I was working I used to talk to an old lady pensioner who would grumble that her son was in his mid 30's, paid only $50 per week board and would DEMAND a steak every night because he'd been out working all day. $50 wouldn't even cover a week's worth of steak, never mind vegetables and his share of the utilities. No wonder he never had a girlfriend, who'd want him?

 

Rosie- who thinks some people deserve to be slapped

[Danestress]

People are stupid. And women often have too much time online to spout opinions. This includes me. I don't really have the time, but I do it anyway. So these women probably were just running at the mouth about whatever hit their radar for the day, and that day, you were the target. Tomorrow it will be Obama or Tiger Woods, the health care bills or whether the mall is safe, the best way to store cheese or whether a Mom can bottle feed and still love her baby. Water off a duck's back, Impish. They don't know you, and they are just killing time.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Be a duck...

 

People are stupid. And women often have too much time online to spout opinions. This includes me. I don't really have the time, but I do it anyway. So these women probably were just running at the mouth about whatever hit their radar for the day, and that day, you were the target. Tomorrow it will be Obama or Tiger Woods, the health care bills or whether the mall is safe, the best way to store cheese or whether a Mom can bottle feed and still love her baby. Water off a duck's back, Impish. They don't know you, and they are just killing time.

[MariannNOVA]

Water off a duck's back, Impish. They don't know you, and they are just killing time.

 

:iagree: Be a duck...

 

:iagree::iagree:Like I said, Imp, be the duck! if nothing else, the image of a duck will make you smile!

[nevergiveup]

Imp, I bet they jumped all over you because their own children never help out and they were jealous of you!

 

I wonder what they would say of us: my oldest son (now 16) has had a paying job since he was 9. Both he and my youngest son (14) are responsible for: feeding the dogs, cats, chickens, cleaning the pens, mowing and trimming our 5 acres, shoveling snow if needed, tilling, planting, weeding, picking, the garden and picking fruit from the fruit trees, changing the oil in the vehicles, maintaining the mowers, cleaning the bathrooms and the rest of the house when asked, and putting their clothes away. They also help with any projects that are going on at the time such as: digging ditches, moving electrical wires and plumbing, tearing down part of the house, rebuilding parts of the house, cutting firewood, cutting down and cutting up trees, building fence, etc. etc. etc. I could go on and on. Right now they are helping hook up our furnace which requires cutting and gluing pipe together and wiring the thermostat. My oldest totally rebuilt his brakes on his truck last winter, in our unheated garage, when the weather was 20 degrees, with no help from us. Since our furnace is off, they have been sleeping in rooms that have gotten down to 33 degrees.

 

You have nothing to worry about nor feel guilty for. Your daughter is going to grow up to be a wonderful person because of all you are teaching her now.

[valkett]

Please don't let those women make you feel bad. You're doing a wonderful thing.

 

BTW - wonder what they'd think of Pioneer Woman's kids being dragged out of bed at zero-dark-thirty to help with the cattle. I am amazed at that. Think it's awesome and think her kids are going to learn a type of responsibility that mine will not.

 

You are truly doing a wonderful thing for Diva.. you are teaching her to manage a home.

 

Val

[homeschoolmom]

Sorry you had to deal with this.

 

Personally I think it's great that you insist that your child help out around the house. It prepares one for life when one should not expect a free ride.

 

Oh wait, I forgot, lots of folks are looking for said 'free ride' these days from banks and the gvt.

 

Seriously, there are stinky people everywhere. Ignore 'em. and go play The Cramps "People Aint No Good" that always helps. ;)

[Denisemomof4]

our timing of this post is impeccable. Just yesterday I was reflecting on how much the world and raising families has changed. There WAS a time when kids had to wake up to do an hour of chores before WALKING to school. How far removed we've come from that. Not only do parents feel bad for my kids because they have chores, but since my boys have started public school and see how their friends "have it made," they've come to resent them. And it's a problem. I didn't want this farm only so that I could have animals (I'm a HUGE animal lover!), I also wanted it because I wanted my kids to have chores and be hard workers. It worked out well before they were put into school. They learned to cook at age 8 and loved it. Now they don't cook. But if we ever had an emergency, they could survive just fine. I don't think any of their friends have ever cooked a meal.

 

About the ladies, why do you care so much? They are behaving poorly and you don't need to justify why you do what you do. I hope you didn't offer them explanations.

 

AND, you're a family. Family is there for each other when they need to be. Because of your disability, your kids should do more. Your younger kids will be capable of doing more one day. I think it's wonderful for kids to learn how to run a household; cook,clean, laundry, etc.

 

Now I hate to post this here because I think some will judge, but oh well. Not my problem. My youngest daughter KNOWS how I hate mornings, and she LOVES them. I have sleep issues and resulting fatigue. She wanted to learn how to make coffee so she could bring me coffee in bed every day. I didn't teach her how because I felt bad...... like she was my slave or something. Well, her father taught her because she really wanted to learn. She serves me coffee in bed every day. I love to stay in bed a little longer. She's only 10 and she goes downstairs for breakfast, does her math, makes coffee, and then we hang out upstairs while I drink my coffee (youngest dd is already there as she sleeps with dh and I.) She will usually bring our dove I raised by hand and a poop rag and the dogs with her. It's a special time! I love it, and so do the girls! But can you understand why I didn't want her to learn to make coffee and "serve" me? She was only 9 when she started to do this a couple of months ago. But she LOVES it. She's SOOOO cute. Last time her brother was sick I was out running errands and asked her to get him gingerale, etc. if he needed it. I came home and she was wearing this little nurse's hat she made and had a list of things to check for her "patient." She loves to do stuff like this and I appreciate it now.

 

She also loves to cook, my youngest loves to dust, they fold our towels and put them away. Oh, the poor kids. How they suffer.

 

Your family is all your kids know. I think it's great your daughter helps out, whether you have a disability or not. I think all members of the family need to help out.

[sunshine]

I will say, that's a new one: "Homeschooling Motivation #37: Your children make great slaves! Get all your housework done!!":D

 

 

Alright!! Finally someone gets it!

 

Oh wait...I am suppose to be against this....ok I mean

 

Bad Mommy...yeah that's what I mean.:iagree:

[tex-mex]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[momtoboys]

To the OP: I don't think you are being at all unreasonable in the chores you require of you daughter! Not at all!

 

I agree w/ chores. I think children should have a reasonable number of age-appropriate chores to do. Like some other posters stated, mom isn't a maid, and the family is designed to function together. There isn't a free ride in life for most people.

 

On the flip side, some people do require to much (NOT the OP). Okay, full disclosure. . .I grew up in a home where for various reasons that I won't get into right now, I cooked, cleaned, practically raised two children (including homeschooling them), and had a whole chore sheet besides. There was almost no time to play or be a kid, particularly after my brother was born when I was 12. I became a mom then, and not by my own choice.

 

All that to say, there does have to be a balance. . there does. Kids should still have time to be kids and do fun kid stuff. Again, this is NOT a criticism of the OP, who I feel is very reasonable.

 

I don't necessarily think that chores will always translate into being "a better housekeeper" in later life. Part of that comes with temperament. I stink at cleaning and organizing, and it certainly isn't from lack of experience. ;)

[forevergrace]

You are raising a responsible, respectful individual. I've experienced something similar, only the difference was, it was parents of so called gifted children. Dh does her chores at 7:00 a.m., before we begin school at 8:30. She also has chores in the late afternoon. So, I too am a slave-driver!! However, dh is more kind, respectful and gets along w/adults and children. I can't say this is due to just to chores and being responsible for her animals, but I have a feeling it goes along w/being hs.

Great job!!!!!!!

Forevergrace

[Mommyfaithe]

I've been part of a group since Tazzie was barely dry from birth. This group has seen good and bad, and usually really supportive. As in any group, there are those that simply don't like me, and that's to be expected.

 

That being said, something has happened twice in the past two weeks that has hurt me badly. As much as I try to tell myself that none of these people have met me face to face, have been in my home, etc etc, I was awake all night last night, upset about it.

 

I have been accused of treating Diva like a slave by two of the women. Apparently, becoming disabled means you also become abusive.

 

They base this on Diva having chores, and *gasp* walking our dog. Diva's chores consist of helping clear and set the table, and doing the supper dishes. There was even a comment about 'no wonder you homeschool, how else would the housework get done?'

 

All my children have chores. As I mentioned in other threads, they earn electronic time by doing chores. They get poker chips worth different amounts of time, and then 'spend' them for tv, puter, xbox, etc. To Wolf and I, this serves two purposes. One, it gets them off the electronic addiction. Two, it teaches them responsibility and life skills.

 

Diva also loves to bake, and help me with preparing meals. We've started grocery shopping together, on a budget, so she can learn more about how and why I put the meals together I do, and budgeting skills.

 

While I realize that there will always be some people who are just plain nasty and out to cause hurt, that none of the people who said these things are ones I've ever considered 'friends', being accused of mistreating my child is painful. Especially so, because its one of my worst fears.

 

Diva is the kind of kid that would help out no matter what. I'm very careful, to the point of being paranoid, about not allowing her to do too much, of ensuring that I don't rob her of her childhood by relying on her too much.

 

It hurts. I've never ever abused my kids, and never could. The members of this group have been with me through Tazzie as a baby, then when I was pregnant with Princess...and now this.

 

I think I'll just stay at the Hive from now on.

 

 

I have some very simple advice..

1)stick your fingers in your ears and LA LA LA really loud!

 

2) keep on doing what you are doing. I was looked at side wise amny times for teaching my kids HOW to be independent...how to walk a dog, cook, clean (Yes, even toilets) When I was pregnant I had to spend MONTHS on bedrest...only up for the potty and lift NOTHING heavier than a mil container. You know what? My girls helped me...they did house work...You know what?? They are strong, independent women now. They can split wood...they can fix dinner...they can do laundry...they can earn money. They know how to budget at the grocery store. They know how to pump gas...mow the lawn, garden...you name it...we did it all together...and you know what? They can also change a diaper...answer the phone...kiss a boo boo. They learned to be PEOPLE. Real live adult people who have compassion and are quick to jump in when someone needs a hand.

 

Don't listen to those hens. They are jealous and need something to cluck about. If you hear that crap again...just tell them...if I had your kids I'd send them away every day too. They are jealous that you have a beautiful relationship with Diva, and she is probably a mature wonderful 11 year old.

 

 

Can you tell this makes my blood boil. YOU DON"T NEED THAT NONSENSE!!!

 

3) Find new friends...these ladies do not appreciate you...if they are so worried about Diva helping so much, maybe they should put their money where their mouth is and pitch in and help you! Not gossip about you. ....YEEESSSHHH!!!!

 

:grouphug:

 

Faithe

[kindermommy]

My kids have been doing simple chores since they were 4. My mom never gave us chores. She grew up in a large family and had lots of daily chores. She didn't want to do that to us, so she went the other day. Not having chores and responsibilities HURT ME in the long-run. That was obviously not my mom's intent -- she was trying to be nice and allow us to be children. I can tell you though that as an adult, I truly struggle with housework, time-management, and organizational skills that I think some structured chores and responsibilities early in life would have given me. I didn't know how to do anything when I got out into the world. Your girls will be prepared.

 

This is *exactly* what happened to me, and *exactly* how I feel. My kids have also done chores since they were 4 or so. My daughter actually ASKS to do more chores than I will let her do. She told me that she wants to do more because she "likes to help mommy". She specifically requests to dust because she says it allows her to touch things she normally is not allowed to! LOL

 

I've been shocked at how many people feel that kids shouldn't have to do anything - and I can't for the life of me figure out why they would feel that way! To me it is not a selfish act (requiring chores) - it is FOR the child! Do it for the sense of pride and accomplishment or the independence the child feels when doing something for themselves.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't plan to change my parenting style based on what others say - especially those on an online group who don't really *know* me. You sound like you are doing a fabulous job with your kids!

[Alphabetika]

Good grief! If you're a slavedriver, then I'm Pharaoh himself. My just-turned 11 year old keeps her room clean, does her own laundry from beginning to end, makes her own breakfast and lunch and helps with other meal prep, helps with all baby care except nursing, does dishes, cleans out the dishwasher, cleans the bathroom, vacuums, helps with yardwork, .....you get the picture. I know this isn't a "chore thread" and I don't say any of this to brag, but to say how strongly I agree that kids need work. They need it to learn skills, to understand the reality of running a home and family, to give them a sense of role in the family, to give them a sense of responsibility and value....

 

I'm so sorry about the assumptions this "friend" made about you. She's WRONG. You are doing the right thing for your kids - hang in there!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I get the sensitivity about not wanting your children to be affected by your disability. I am sensitive about not wanting my children to be affected by my chronic illness. But they are affected in some way. I am a different mom than I would be if I were totally healthy. But, I think that my kids have learned compassion, responsibility and some independence as a result. And I have tried (and I can see you trying) to shelter them from what they don't have capacity for. Age appropriate chores are good for children. Having too much responsibility before a child has capacity to handle it is bad. But that isn't what is happening here. Diva isn't being asked to raise her two younger siblings, to be the homemaker etc. Be strong in knowing that you are being a good mom.