How old should a child be before they attend a funeral?

[Zebra]

My dd is 6, and my father is in hospice. DH and I are really struggling with whether a 6 year old is supposed to even go to a funeral. Without going into the long story, I am completely devastated and so is everyone else in my father's life. DD and my father are very close. There is no one IRL who has run into this situation, and I was wondering if any of you have experienced this, and have any wisdom to share with me?

[squirtymomma]

First of all, I'm so sorry.

 

My mom had a full-term stillbirth when I was 6 years old. I went to the funeral. There were relatives who were responsible for watching out for my sister and I when my mom and dad couldn't be available for us in their own grief. So, we wandered around some after the service and looked at the ducks from what I remember. A 6 year old understands a lot, I think, and I believe it's important for you to give your child the chance to say goodbye in that way. I would definitely recommend having someone help you with your daughter if you need it, but seeing you and others grieve is important to help her learn what that looks like. A life lesson you don't want to have to teach her right now, I know, but one that will serve her in the best way given the circumstances, I think.

 

Again, I'm sorry. For you, and for your daughter who shouldn't have to experience the reality of death so early.

[Jennifer in MI]

First of all, I'm SO sorry about your dad. I can't even begin to imagine . . .

 

My kids were 2, 5, and 7 when my grandmother died. I talked with them a lot about what the funeral would be like. There was an open casket and we talked about it. None of the kids wanted to see the open casket. I didn't either, to be honest with you. So, we didn't! The casket was closed during the funeral. We went through the funeral service before the actual service. The 7 and 5 yo stayed with me during the service. The 2 yo went to the nursery with my SIL. They all still remember my grandma and her funeral. All are fond memories.

 

I don't think there's a certain age. Spend a lot of time with your kids talking. See what they're ready for.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The first funeral my dd went to was when she was 5. It was not a terribly sad funeral. No, we were not happy that the person died but it was a Christian funeral full of hope. It helped that while she knew the person who died, it was not someone who was terribly close to her. I cried a bit (as I always do) and that bothered her a bit but I didn't cry a lot and so she was ok too.

 

The second funeral she went to was when she was 6. It was a family member (dh's aunt). My dh did the service. Again, it was a funeral with hope and fond memories. I cried and so did her Grandma and Grandpa but she was fine.

 

The third funeral she went to was when she was still 6. It was another family member (dh's other aunt). Dh did the service with again hope and fond memories. Then another pastor stood up. He went up front and opened up the casket (none of the family was expecting this). He asked us to gather around and say "good-bye" to the body. Both my kids fell apart. Ds12 whispered loudly, "But that's only a shell!" Dd had wild terrified eyes. I waved the ushers on and sat respectfully in the pews.

 

The moral of my stories - funerals themselves are fine, I think for children as long as they are not a distraction for other mourners. But it depends on the kind of funeral and the message that they bring. Kids take their cues for safety and security from us - some tears are fine but if I were distraught with grief I think it would be really hard for my children.

[HayesW]

My grandmother passed away 18 mos ago. We took all five of our children to the funeral, the oldest was 8, youngest was 1.

 

Our children attend worship services with us, so sitting in the pews and being quiet wasn't a problem for them. Three of them fell asleep.

[Slartibartfast]

I am sorry. :grouphug:

 

I believe a child should be at any funeral for a loved one, particularly if they are in the immediate family.

 

I would hesitate if the person who has passed was very young, that sort of funeral is much different than someone who is older and has lived a full life. (but again that is up to the immediate family)

[Maria from IN]

If you think your child is up to it, take her to the funeral, but definitely tell her what to expect first. I just got back from a conference on grief and loss, and one 8-year-old attended a funeral after being told that grandpa's soul was in heaven, but his body was here.

 

...imagine everyone's surprise when the child said, "you said only the body would be here! They kept his head too!"

 

Not meant to be cutesy, just an example of how literal kids are and how they need to know what to expect.

 

I'm sorry for you and your family.

[NorthwestMom]

I agree with previous posters. My dad died when I was eight, and I would have been devastated not to attend the funeral. Assuming your children want to go, I would bring them.

 

A few years ago my beloved uncle died. He was a priest, and the Knights Of Columbus stood as honor guard during the wake. My little one year old DD was fascinated by them and kept toddling up and smiling at them and chattering baby talk at them. Everyone loved her for it. Kids can be a happy reminder of the circle of life.

 

I am so sorry about your father.

[LadyAberlin]

My ds almost 6 has been to 2 funerals. One when he was 4 and one when he was 3. He was fine. I saw my stillborn sister when I was 4. I was fine.

[NavyWifeandMommy]

Mine children have all been to funerals at young ages. My 9 year old was about 6 when my grandma died. She drew a picture and put it in the casket. All three where there when my MIL passed too. I did stay in the back of the room and went into the hallway to let them run a bit. The younger two were 2 and 3 whe MIL passed.

Just explain in simple terms what is going on and bring paper and crayons. If possible let him see the kids before he passes. I think its a good thing. We knew someone who wouldn't take their child too see grandpa before he died and she was upset the she didn't get to see him before he passed. They waited until he passed and then drove her down to see him.

[Sputterduck]

I would take a kid at any age.

[katilac]

There are different parts of what people consider a funeral, so I'll tell you what we did, and what I would do in your situation.

 

My sister died when my kids were 3 and 5; they were close with her. We took them to the wake/visitation (open casket at the funeral home) for a time. There were tons of relatives they knew there, and they could walk in and out of the actual visitation room easily.

 

They also went to the funeral mass at church. They were used to going to church, but this was probably sadder to them than the wake - - at the wake, people were talking and such, while the mass was much quieter, they noticed people crying, etc. They cried some but were not overly upset.

 

Then, they walked with us for the procession to the cemetary: the hearse drove from the church, past her house, to the cemetary, while we walked behind it.

 

We chose to have them leave at this point, and not see the casket put into the vault. That was very disturbing to us, and I wouldn't choose to have a child watch it, whether for a vault or ground burial.

 

At 6, your dd is aware of what's going on, and she will be grieving and aware that you are grieving yourself. Unless she strongly does not want to, I would figure out what part of the process she could be included in. You should definitely have a friend or relative be in charge of her; you won't want to have to leave if she gets upset, and there are certain times you really won't be able to.

[always cookin']

I took all 4 of my dc (12, 10, 6, 2) to the wake and funeral Mass. I did talk to them before everything so they would know what to expect. They had cousins around too. They were very close to my dad. I think it's good for kids to see the whole cycle of life and death, especially if you explain it in the context of your faith. We did have an open casket, which I wouldn't have chosen. My kids seemed to deal with it OK though. I didn't make them go up to it, but they all did anyway.

[Mrs Mungo]

I am sorry. :grouphug:

 

I believe a child should be at any funeral for a loved one, particularly if they are in the immediate family.

 

I would hesitate if the person who has passed was very young, that sort of funeral is much different than someone who is older and has lived a full life. (but again that is up to the immediate family)

 

I agree. Recently, my grandfather passed away. I was in the limo with my nieces (my children did not fly home with me) and I explained to them that he would be there, in the coffin and would look like he was asleep. I told them they didn't have to go past the coffin if they didn't want to. It was my mother's father who passed away but my father's siblings attended. They were ready to take the kids out if necessary.

[TN Mama]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My girls have been to funerals and wakes/visitations. I fully explained what to expect and although my first reaction was not to allow them to view my grandfather at his visitation, I was told by a counselor to explain the situation to the girls and allow them to decide whether or not they wanted to view. They were 4 and 6 at the time and were both fine.

 

Another:grouphug:

[chanda7]

My grandfather died a few months ago. I am certain my 4yo would have been more confused than comforted, since it was hard to explain he was "gone" to her. I gave my 7yo a choice about going after telling her what it would be like, and she opted out.

[NorthwestMom]

Just a random observation: there's no clearer way to see a soul, then to see when it is not there.

 

(not that you should show your kids a dead body, just to show them a soul!)

[Joanne]

{{{{many, many hugs}}}}

 

Funerals are to respect the person who has passed, but the larger function is a process through which the family and friends can grieve. The ritual of a funeral, the relatives, the dressing up, the gatherings before and after all serve to gather friends and family at a difficult time.

 

Your school aged child needs to be a part of that process. Coached, talked to, and prepared for, but a part of that process.

 

If the casket is going to be open, talk graphically about the dead body and that it can be "weird". Tell your child people say weird things when they are upset (I still remember a relative talking as if I wasn't there and saying about my g'pa 'he looks better than he has in years'.).

 

Not including your child has more risks than including your child.

[MamaT]

My dad died in 2002, so my kids ranged from 3 to 16 and they all went to the funeral. My fil passed away in 2006 and they also attended that funeral.

 

The only funeral of a close family member that my children did not attend was when my oldest two were 6 and 4. My dh's sister died in an accident at 32 and my children were very close to her. They were devastated and I don't think they could have handled it.

[Impish]

I'd say it depends on the child, but I would say once the child is old enough to understand explanations about death, they are old enough to attend a funeral.

 

I think your dd, being so close to her grandfather, should go.

[Starr]

My dc have been going to funerals all of their lives. It's always easier at our home church because they know what the service is like. At 4 we took the children to be with friends whose grandmother had died figuring the adults had companions but the kids probably didn't. It does take the ability to do a lot of life and death talking at those unplanned moments. It's just plain hard to make sense of this to a 3 year old whose grandfather has died. Our daughter had some sense of her Christian faith but not enough life experience to make it easy to discuss. I'm sorry you are going through this. I would take them with you and have a friend on standby to entertain them if it works out better that way. Blessings to all of you.

[Beach Mom]

:grouphug: to you, it is such a difficult time.

 

My DD was 5 when my Dad died and almost 6 when my Mom passed away. She went to both services. She was around both of them when they were sick and I think the funeral was closure for her. She still talks about Grandma and Grandpa's funerals when we attend a funeral. She was very close to both of them. We did ask a friend to be available at the service in case she or my 2 then little boys needed extra attention. I was happy to have my kids there at a very sad time.

[Melinda S in TX]

My children have been to several funerals. Off hand, I can think of at least six funerals they have been too. The children were anywhere from 4mos to 12yrs. The most recent was my father's funeral in January 2008. The children were 4mos, 2.5 , 5, 7.5,10, and 12.5.

 

We talk a lot about the person that died and what the funeral will be like. All of mine wanted to see Grampa at the funeral home and the open casket service at the church. They all went to the family visitation.

 

They were sad they lost someone they loved, but not devastated or scared.

 

Melinda

[WTMCassandra]

My children were 4 and 6 when a young person in a family we were very close to died suddenly. We were very much there for the family before and after the funeral, but for the funeral itself, I gave them the choice. They chose not to go, and I honored it. They were definitely involved overall in comforting the family, but just not at the actual service. They went to stay with a friend that day.

[Mrs Mungo]

My children were 4 and 6 when a young person in a family we were very close to died suddenly. We were very much there for the family before and after the funeral, but for the funeral itself, I gave them the choice. They chose not to go, and I honored it. They were definitely involved overall in comforting the family, but just not at the actual service. They went to stay with a friend that day.

 

I *do* think the death of a young person and attendance of children are different issues than the general issue of adults attending funerals. Funerals of young people are very hard, especially when their kids are in attendance. My kids have never attended the funeral of a non-family member or the funeral of someone young.

[LibraryLover]

My oldest was 8 mos when he attened his first, my youngest, 2. My middle children were 18 mos and 33 mos when my grandfather died. We are part of a large family.

[LibraryLover]

I *do* think the death of a young person and attendance of children are different issues than the general issue of adults attending funerals. Funerals of young people are very hard, especially when their kids are in attendance. My kids have never attended the funeral of a non-family member or the funeral of someone young.

 

 

We did have a newborn baby cousin in our family die. Dh and I went to the wake and service, but the children stayed with a friend, as they were very young and I was pregnant. I admit, I didn't tell them. They were young - the oldest was not quite 4.

[EKS]

My son was 6 last year when he went to his grandfather's funeral.

[Ellyndria]

I absolutely think your 6 year old should go to the funeral, and especially since they were close. It seems like it would hurt her *not* to attend it, especially since they were close.

 

I attended my first funeral when I was 6 too. It was my great-grandmother, and we actually weren't that close. I cried a lot anyway, I think because it was new to me. It was also open casket and I did look in the casket. I do remember being very sad.

 

I was 7 when I attended my second funeral. It was my great-grandfather, and I was closer to him. I still cried of course, but not as much as the first time, probably because it wasn't as much of a shock and I knew what to expect.

 

Anyway, all that to say you should let her go.

[WTMCassandra]

I *do* think the death of a young person and attendance of children are different issues than the general issue of adults attending funerals. Funerals of young people are very hard, especially when their kids are in attendance. My kids have never attended the funeral of a non-family member or the funeral of someone young.

 

The person in question was 15 when he died.

 

However, we did attend a Celebration of Life AND the graveside service for a 2yo a couple of years ago in a family that is very close to us, and the children did well (not traumatized). They were of course extremely sad, as were we all, although not shocked, because the toddler had a brain tumor. My children were 9 and 11 at the time. We actually flew cross-country to be there.

 

But keep in mind that this was a family extremely close to us, Christians who strongly emphasized the Celebration of Life part, and people sensitive to the needs of children attending the services (many families attended with children). The graveside service was private, and I think my children were the only children besides those in the family who attended.

[LibraryLover]

My son was 6 last year when he went to his grandfather's funeral.

 

 

My youngest was not quite 6 when her great aunt died. I told her she didn't have to go to the funeral, but she said " E will need company. I'll go". E is her same-age cousin, and the grand-daughter of the great aunt. The children did stay together and they we glad of it. At one point, they forgot where they were and starting playing and kind of skipped past the casket. Nobody got upset, and one of the relatives gently guided them to the hallway.

[Unicorn.]

My sympathies to both of you. My son was 6 when my mom died, and he went to the funeral. My daughters were 4, and they (now 11) are still mad at me for not taking them. One word of caution though; don't force your child to experience more than they can handle. I leave it up to my dc if they want to be near an open casket, or pass on that. I was forced into it as a child, and am still bothered by it. That said, I would take her.

[LibraryLover]

My sympathies to both of you. My son was 6 when my mom died, and he went to the funeral. My daughters were 4, and they (now 11) are still mad at me for not taking them. One word of caution though; don't force your child to experience more than they can handle. I leave it up to my dc if they want to be near an open casket, or pass on that. I was forced into it as a child, and am still bothered by it. That said, I would take her.

 

 

Yes. Let the child lead. Talk to them about what to expect. Respect their choices. Let them change their minds. Don't push anything.

[Tutor]

I am so sorry about your father.

 

We decided early that our children would go to funeral services for all family members. Decisions on funerals for non-relatives would be made on a case-by-case basis.

 

The priest who conducted the funeral for my great-grandmother thanked me for bringing my children (then about 5, 3, and 6 months) to her funeral because he felt that it was a healthy part of the grieving process not only for my children but for those at the funeral to hear a child laughing and whispering during the service as a reminder that my great-grandmother's legacy still lived.

[HRAAB]

My children have attended funerals ever since they were able to behave properly. My youngest was four when my mom passed away; she attended by the vigil (open casket) and funeral (closed casket). I have never kept my children away from funerals, and they have never expressed any fear about going. If I did have a child who was frightened or easily upset, I would try first to calm those fears; if that didn't work, I wouldn't take them if they were young. For whatever reason, none of my children mind attending funerals. I think we've always viewed it as a part of life. It can't be avoided, it's natural, and for us (faith wise) there is always hope.

 

I remember attending funerals when I was quite young. I think I was 3 or 4 the first time I went to a funeral. So attending a funeral was just natural part of life, for me, I guess, and that's what I've wanted to pass on to my children.

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that we attend way more funerals than do most people.

[Mrs Mungo]

The person in question was 15 when he died.

 

However, we did attend a Celebration of Life AND the graveside service for a 2yo a couple of years ago in a family that is very close to us, and the children did well (not traumatized). They were of course extremely sad, as were we all, although not shocked, because the toddler had a brain tumor. My children were 9 and 11 at the time. We actually flew cross-country to be there.

 

But keep in mind that this was a family extremely close to us, Christians who strongly emphasized the Celebration of Life part, and people sensitive to the needs of children attending the services (many families attended with children). The graveside service was private, and I think my children were the only children besides those in the family who attended.

 

I didn't mean to make a blanket statement about what I think is right for all situations. When I say "young people," I meant people who have not lived a full life. All of the young people funerals we've been to were men who had children of their own. I think it would have been very hard for my kids to have been there.

[Irene Lynn]

Sorry to hear about your father. I am guessing that you will know what to do, when the time comes.

 

I was 5 years old, when my grandfather passed. I remember going with my parents and grandmother to choose a casket. I was involved (or brought along) with several aspects of the whole process. I was there at calling and had no trouble going up to the open casket. In fact, in my innocence I made a comment to my grandmother that was a comfort to her. She spoke of it, when she recalled the funeral, etc. I wouldn't have missed that for anything. That helped me feel like a contributing part of the whole thing. I think after meeting other 5 year olds, that I must have understood death better than many, but that is my own experience. It was very positive.

 

My own dd lost her grandfather, when she was 6. She went to the funeral. Since we were away from home, we found a home for her to stay and play with kids, when she needed a break from sober adults. Those new friends (friends of her grandmother) were a huge blessing. I didn't want her life to be miserable, just because we all had so many details to take care of. She also saw him briefly in the hospital. He was unconscious and hooked up to a lot of things. She didn't want to stay long, so I took her out. I just followed her ability and it was obvious what she needed and what didn't bother her. She is pretty sensitive, but I am a nurse and can explain things in a way that takes some of the mystery or fear out of it. She was not as comfortable around the casket as I was, but she could handle a brief visit.

 

A friend of mine never wants to see the casket as an adult, so I really think we all have different ways of dealing with death. Some NEED to see the body to be able to deal with the passing. It helps to make it real. Some never want to remember their loved one in that way. I would explain these sorts of things to a 6 year old and ask her what she wanted or felt comfortable doing and follow that lead. I might talk to some good friends now to line someone up as an available place for your daughter to go, if needed in the week following the passing. There can be so many details that a young child may need a break to keep the whole process from being overwhelming. The funeral was not as difficult for our dd as the time just before it.

[Zebra]

I cannot thank you guys enough for the honest responses. I appreciate them so much right now, and I so needed some fresh perspective on this!

 

:grouphug: to all of you who are going through this, and have been through it.

[kewb]

I am so sorry about your father.

 

I was in the same situation 2 years ago when my father passed away. It is not an easy decision to make. In the end, my children did not attend my father's funeral because I thought it best if they did not see their great-grandmother hysterical with grief. I went to the cemetery with my children at a later date.

[zaichiki]

My dd is 6, and my father is in hospice. DH and I are really struggling with whether a 6 year old is supposed to even go to a funeral. Without going into the long story, I am completely devastated and so is everyone else in my father's life. DD and my father are very close. There is no one IRL who has run into this situation, and I was wondering if any of you have experienced this, and have any wisdom to share with me?

 

All 3 of my kids attended their grandfather's funeral last month. I'd bring the child, if she says she wants to attend. Make sure to discuss what she can expect... and how she'll be expected to behave. You can let it be her decision, especially because she was so close to him.

 

I'm sorry!

[Scarlett]

My dd is 6, and my father is in hospice. DH and I are really struggling with whether a 6 year old is supposed to even go to a funeral. Without going into the long story, I am completely devastated and so is everyone else in my father's life. DD and my father are very close. There is no one IRL who has run into this situation, and I was wondering if any of you have experienced this, and have any wisdom to share with me?

 

:grouphug: I am so sorry. I've been taking ds to funerals since he was born. I've only ever NOT taken him to the funeral of a friend who committed suicide. My theory was I didn't want funerals to be foreign to him. I am almost certain I would have taken my 6 year old to my father's funeral. I agree with Cadam that they are a comfort to the rest of the family and also that they need to be WITH their family during such a scary time. Keeping them away from the pain doesn't help them---they are still very aware of what is going on anyway.

[HRAAB]

Another thought I just had is that with a 6 yr. old, she is old enough she will remember her grandfather and remember his death. Will she some day be perhaps resentful or hurt that she didn't attend his funeral?

 

I am sorry for what you're going through. I nursed my father in my home the six mos. prior to his death. All my children saw him slowly slip away. At the time the youngest were 4 yrs old. They were all very, very close to my father. There was absolutely no way I could shield them from it. He was right here. At the time, it was so very, very hard. Looking back now, I am thankful my children have had these life experiences. They talk about grandpa with lots of love and happiness, both the good and not so good memories. I think often times children handle death fairly well - maybe better than we adults do at times.

 

Whatever you decide, my prayers and thoughts are with you.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry about your father. It is hard for everyone. I am not one for shielding children from the reality of the circle of life.

 

My children go to funerals of family and close friends. It never occurred to me to exclude them, especially because I usually had a nursling that needed to be with me. When my dad died 11 years ago, my older children were 4 1/2 and 22 mos. Dh talked with my older son to explain what was going to happen at the wake (visitation) and the funeral. He explained that some of the adults would cry (including Mommy), but they would appreciate hugs. He explained that the body he would see at the wake was only Grandpa's body, that he didn't need it anymore, but his soul was with God.

 

At the visitation, we never made them go to the casket, but let them go if they wished. Most of my nieces and nephews did go up to the casket. They put notes and pictures in there. One of them put a my dad's favorite handheld solitaire game - because he "looked funny without it" since they always saw him with it. They brought a bit of light-heartedness to such a serious occasion. Since my children were accustomed to going to church, they were with us at the mass. My younger son was still nursing, so I couldn't leave him all day. My FIL came to the church so that he could take care of the littles if they needed to leave, especially since I was doing a reading. Most of the cemeteries around here don't do graveside services, but have an internment service in a chapel on the cemetery grounds, we didn't have to deal with that drama. My FIL took them home after that service because they were just too tired to go to the luncheon.

 

Another hard one we had to go to was for the stillborn son of close friends. My children were 11, 9, and 5 at the time. It was a graveside funeral and pretty long (but they did not bury the casket while we were there. It was hard seeing my dear friend in such grief. We explained to my kids that we didn't know much about the service, but that we were there to support this family who was suffering so. We explained that there would be tears, since it is hard to deal with the loss of someone so young. We also went to the mercy meal afterwards, which was a very healing thing for this family. There were tears, laughter and love.

[Aubrey]

My kids were 3 & 5 when my dad died, & they did attend the funeral. There was no casket, only pics. But my gr-grandmother died about 6mos later, & my gr-grandfather 6mos after her, & there were caskets for both of those. The kids attended visitation & the funeral, but we did not take them into the actual room where the bodies were at visitation, & we did not lift them to look in the casket at the funeral. *Seeing* the body & talking about death are separate issues, imo.

 

Honestly? I think it depends on the kids & the situation. When ds was...1 or 2...his cousin passed away. She was almost 3. We have told him a little about it since then, but not at the time.

 

During the year and a half or so when so many in my family were dying (dad's sister passed about 4 mos before dad, & his dad the yr before), we also lost 3 pets. The first two were just old, the third was a kitten, & she got shot by someone in the neighborhood. (Several cats got shot in the same week--it was awful.)

 

We'd been determined to be open & honest about death up to that point, but by then, even we couldn't take any more. We lied. To this day, they think Hershey has moved to CA.

 

So good luck with your decision. Whatever you decide will be the right decision for your family. Don't spend too much time worrying about it, if you can help it. Take care. :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

My kids were 3 & 5 when my dad died, & they did attend the funeral. There was no casket, only pics. But my gr-grandmother died about 6mos later, & my gr-grandfather 6mos after her, & there were caskets for both of those. The kids attended visitation & the funeral, but we did not take them into the actual room where the bodies were at visitation, & we did not lift them to look in the casket at the funeral. *Seeing* the body & talking about death are separate issues, imo.

 

Aubrey that is how I felt too. I took ds3 with me to visitation feeling sure he wouldn't even realize what the casket was and he couldn't see in because it was so high up. Well, you know how fast it can happen....I was chatting and looked across the room just in time to see ds climbing up to peek inside. I rushed over just as he looked inside...he said, 'huh, Grandma A.' (as if to say, funny finding her here) I put him down to the floor and that was the last he mentioned of it. My grandmother was in bed ill for many months before she died and he was very used to seeing her lying down in bed. I guess he just figured she was sleeping.

 

One time 3 friends of mine and I went to a funeral of an older close friend in our congregation. Between the 4 of us we had 4 kids I think....all of us on the same row. After final prayer one of my friends and I looked at each other a little shell shocked because they had all 4 been difficult to contain. I said, 'All these kids make it near impossible to show proper grief!' :lol:

 

I think the worst part about having a child at a funeral is if the parent of the child fears they (the parent) will totally break down..but I imagine that is a something we have to deal with outside of the actual funeral anyway. I attended one funeral of a friend's young husband where I embarrassed myself with my crying. Thank goodness it was a large Catholic Church and the actual FAMILY wasn't aware of my spectacle. :glare: I would have hated for ds at any age to witness that....it was before he was born.

[sunflowerlady]

I have always taken my dd to funerals I attend. I believe it is part of life and not something I needed to hide from her.

[Aubrey]

I think the worst part about having a child at a funeral is if the parent of the child fears they (the parent) will totally break down..but I imagine that is a something we have to deal with outside of the actual funeral anyway. I attended one funeral of a friend's young husband where I embarrassed myself with my crying. Thank goodness it was a large Catholic Church and the actual FAMILY wasn't aware of my spectacle. :glare: I would have hated for ds at any age to witness that....it was before he was born.

 

Scarlett, I don't think grief is something to be ashamed of. I'm saying this in an encouraging way, since that doesn't nec translate over the internet, but...sometimes I think it's good for our kids to see us cry. It helps them learn how to deal w/ their own feelings, kwim? And their innocent gestures of sympathy--bringing you a teddy bear of their own, patting your hand, etc.--go further than any of the stupid things people say to bring peace, imo.

[HRAAB]

Scarlett, I don't think grief is something to be ashamed of. I'm saying this in an encouraging way, since that doesn't nec translate over the internet, but...sometimes I think it's good for our kids to see us cry. It helps them learn how to deal w/ their own feelings, kwim? And their innocent gestures of sympathy--bringing you a teddy bear of their own, patting your hand, etc.--go further than any of the stupid things people say to bring peace, imo.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

When my dad was living with us, about a couple times a week I would go outside and just cry. More like sob. My girls found me several times. They would make these beautiful little cards telling me God loved me, God loved grandpa. They knew their mom was just human. She loved her dad very much. They knew how sad I was that he was very sick. I guess it made life real, their mom real. It also taught them it was okay to grieve and be sad. My children fared well through the whole thing and seem to have a healthy attitude towards death.

[G5052]

I think that having children at a funeral is appropriate as long as you understand to their perspective and needs and as long as you expect a somewhat positive atmosphere about the whole thing. When mine were younger and we had several family funerals, we went to everything but didn't do the receiving lines. When we had my FIL's funeral (1,000 in attendance), they had a side room at all of the events where there were toys and people were told that they could come see us there. I kept them in the events as long as I felt was reasonable, and then I took them to the play room.

 

Where I came from, the norm is to hire a sitter to stay with those 12 and under. I disagree with this frankly, but that's how it is there. I did not take them with me when I flew out for my Dad's funeral in April, but they barely knew him at that point and I knew that my Mom's dementia would make the whole thing extremely difficult, which it was. No regrets there.

Edited November 10, 2009 by GVA

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, I don't think grief is something to be ashamed of. I'm saying this in an encouraging way, since that doesn't nec translate over the internet, but...sometimes I think it's good for our kids to see us cry. It helps them learn how to deal w/ their own feelings, kwim? And their innocent gestures of sympathy--bringing you a teddy bear of their own, patting your hand, etc.--go further than any of the stupid things people say to bring peace, imo.

 

Oh I actually very much agree! But the breakdown I had that day was just....over the top. I think it would have frightened my son. I let my son see me cry...even when HE makes me cry....:D.

 

And I also agree about the peace a child can bring to us.

 

Sorry I was not very clear about how I feel about displays of grief to children. OP, I am also sorry I t/j'd. :(