MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 WHO shows up to lighten the load, ease the burden, any euphemism you choose -- even if only for a few hours -- Do you have someone who will offer OR who will just show up and seems to know intuitively what to do to ease the burden at that moment? To put it this way: WHEN you have a need, who steps up to fill it? Let me just say that one of the reasons DH and I relocated to Wash DC area when the twins weren't even a year old was because we were so hurt at the absence of his parents and my mom - who at the time lived 15 minutes from us. I'll go first: approx 75% of our house is ruined from a leaky pipe while we were on vacation. I emailed a friend (we have been friends for about 7 years) -- we haven't spoken or seen each other in months (both very busy - we have emailed sporadically) -- she was on the phone with us within minutes, and at our door shortly after that. She took all three kids with her Sunday afternoon -- we picked them up from her house hours later and she and her husband had a lovely dinner prepared for all of us -- she offered to take laundry and do it (we had already taken it to the laundry to be done) -- she works full time, has two children, and I was touched by the way she stepped up. I have done the same for her in similar situations. I'm curious -- am I expecting TOO much from dh's parents and my mom? (no, they are not elderly or infirmed) -- DH's parents basically sit at home 7 days a week, and decide if they want to do anything or nothing...oh, and they worry/ruminate/eat their liver over whatever DH's hapless 42 year old brother is doing.:glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 When things get bad, dh and I are on our own. We had 2 feet of water in our house 5 days after my third baby was born. It was so traumatic, but making it through together strengthened our marriage. I would not expect other family members to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 When things get bad, dh and I are on our own. We had 2 feet of water in our house 5 days after my third baby was born. It was so traumatic, but making it through together strengthened our marriage. I would not expect other family members to help. That's us. The only folk we have are one brother and a handful of friends a continent away. a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 I am asking this without a snarky tone in my body -- 'WHY" do you not expect any other family members to help? Are they too far away, too busy? I'm curious - not being snarky, and tell me to mind my own business if you want...I come from a family where, in the past, if something unfortunate happened, folks came to help, lend support, gawk at the wreck, whatever, but they were there. My MIL can be packed and in a car on her way to Florida in less than 5 minutes if there's a funeral and she is able to say just the vowels in the deceased's surname --KWIM --BUT, she's not here. Just curious, that's all.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Dh's family is truly incredible. His parents or sister have never hesitated to be there. Case in point: We have been dealing with a monstrous asbestos removal project in our basement. On very short notice, dh's parents were happy and willing to accommodate all four of us for a week. We moved back home this past Friday. Yesterday we discovered ANOTHER layer to the basement problems involving more demolition and disposal issues. Dh's parents gladly took the kids and made it clear that their home is open to us as long as it is needed. That's not the only time they've been there for us, either. It's just the way they live. I hope I can be as loving and generous when my kids need me. I also have a very, very dear friend from high school days who has shared of herself and her resources so very generously. If I needed her, she'd be here, as I would be for her. I truly thank God for her presence in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BridgeTea Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 MrTea and I have no family nearby. I can think of a couple friends I would not hesitate to call, thankfully. We had an extra house for awhile, and were able to let a family live there for 2 months following their house fire. It was very humbling for us to be able to do that, when I saw how grateful they were. I don't think I was especially mindful of people's situations before that. Good lesson for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIch elle Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 When things get bad, dh and I are on our own. . My parents are deceased, all in-laws live 350 miles away, my sisters live 200-500 mi away. Consider yourself lucky OP to have a friend like that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Consider yourself lucky OP to have a friend like that! We do - she and her family are a blessing to my family!:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danybug Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Mariann, that is so sad that either set of parents are not lending any type of support. :grouphug: How frustrating and sad! In my mind, parents are the first ones that I feel should step in, in whatever capacity they can to help their children. I know that I would always jump to help my dc throughout life. And I know that my parents, as you might have seen on vacation, are always close at hand for whatever dh and I need. I would be heartbroken if they didn't. Needless, to say I do have a sister that is literally 2 miles from my house and she does not even speak to us. And because of jealousy type issues can't involve her self in our lives at all and be any type of support. We are blessed as well with our church family, I know that if anything happened and we needed them to step up that we would have oodles of help from them in whatever form we need. I think just being able to say and know that you have support and from what sources is a truly comforting thing. We will continue keeping you all in our prayers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 They live close by and I would probably be relying on them for help in this situation. But we have a close and good relationship. I think if your MIL is also a close friend, then she should probably step up to help you. If your relationship is more stressed, she may not think that you really want her in a crisis - she might be waiting to be asked for somethings specific, or she might be avoiding stepping in if you have resisted her presence or been critical of her in the past. If you have had problems or resentments in your relationship, she might be thinking that she's not the right person for this situation. Honestly, it doesn't sound from your post like she is your very favorite person, but I know it's hard to "read" posts online. Have you called your parents and in-laws and asked for something they have refused you? Some people aren't as good at figuring out what needs to be done and have to be asked for a job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Now that I'm divorced, I have zero family within 2000 miles of me. So, in the event of a catastrophe, my dad would wire any $$ I needed, but it's doubtful he'd actually come out here. His job just wouldn't allow for it at this time. However, I have a fabulous church family and I know I can count on them to be here if I needed anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 First, Mariann, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about your water disaster. I can't imagine walking into that. My parents are now dead, my sisters live thousands of miles away. One of my sisters has come out a few times when we had a crisis with my mother (who had Alzheimer's) and she helped with my kids as well as my mom. My inlaws have not come out to help, even the time we specifically asked them to come to help when I was going to have a C-section. It's part of this weird thing they do, pretending nothing bad ever happens. They came a month afterward to see the baby, though. We rely on our friends quite a bit. Chosen relationships can be far more powerful than blood ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Also, I get very jealous of people who have a lot of family to help them and don't understand the gift that it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 My husband's mom lives at the end of our driveway. If we ever need anything in a case of emergency, she is there. She is often there when it is NOT an emergency, but she has made it very clear that she is not a babysitter and we rarely call on her to take the kids for anything other than an emergency OR maybe a planned night out. She is in her late 60's and has some health issues, so this is best. I have 2 best friends who would be there in a heartbeat if I needed them. I also have my church family - which, while not perfect, would still rally. I have three good friends who live close by (best friends are states away) who will and have dropped what they were doing to help me/us, check in on us, etc. We are truly blessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I have no one like that, but dh is my help when it is just me down for the count. My parents used to give us money when that was the need, though. If it was a catastrophic need, we would get help from the church. I do have a lot of people who need it of me. :001_smile: And I am happy to give it. As PP said, sometimes people need you to tell them what you need. In general, though, it is the already busy who are able to help more, so it makes sense that your busy friend would help but not your sedentary family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 My mom is pretty far away but would be here in a heartbeat in a crisis. She did just so when my son was born prematurely and we were in the middle of a move at the same time. I was hospitalized of course, and recovering from a c-section the whole time she was here, but she packed my whole house, helped dh move us, and helped us get settled into a new house all while I was recovering. I had a BFF who also jumped in at the time. She was with my dh the night my son was delivered and went with him to the other hospital when they transported my son. She cried and prayed with him and was there all night that night. She then came over in the days that followed to see us/help. Then our church delivered meals to us 3x/week for months. I was a working mom at that time and had to go back to work. DH worked from home and cared for our daughter (ds was still in NICU), and the meals just kept on coming and coming. It was an amazing and humbling experience. I learned a lot about allowing people to bless me during that time. I agree that a lot of times people don't know what to do. Should they cook? Come pick up the kids? Take your laundry? Clean? Do you need money? So if you have people in your life that are capable of helping, you might need to just ask. That is a humbling exercise in and of itself. Then they can say no - but you might find they are relieved that they now know what you need that they can do. Of course what we should do for people is either call and say "How can I help?" or show up on their doorstep with a casserole and the same question. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 My mom was usually a big help (meals when I had babies, babysitting, helping organize my kitchen after a move) can't do much anymore due to age/infirmity. FIL is a dear who has watched the kids while I go to Bible study for the last 7 years, but is elderly himself. He did help clean out our basement after a flood. I had a 6 week old baby and here was this 70 year old man helping dh move all the furniture and belongings outside for drying out and sorting. The rest of our siblings are pretty busy with their own lives that we only involved them if it is an emergency with our parents. So that leaves friends. I am fortunate to have a group of homeschooling friends who will drop anything to help each other. When I had my last baby and again, when I had surgery, we didn't have to cook a meal for a month. When my mom fell and broke her hip 2 years ago, my dear friend took my kids for several days so that I could be at the hospital. My other friend has taken my kids at a moment's notice. We kind of look out for each other. When another friend's dh was dying of cancer, we all took care of her. We did a yard work party to spruce up their house since her hubby couldn't do it anymore. When he needed to be moved to the main floor due to being unable to do stairs, we had a party to paint the dining room (which was under rehab before he fell ill) so that he would have a pleasant space to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 :grouphug: It would be my homeschool friends who came to help and not either of our families, even though we all live in the same town. I was on bed rest with the last two DDs and had ZERO help from anybody. I love my family, but they are always to wrapped up in their own lives to do anything for anybody else, and his family revolves around one of my SILs. Frankly, it is enough to make us consider moving out of state. Sorry to hear anyone else has this issue. It really bothers me. I wonder what we have done so wrong to be in this situation. But we are truly blessed with friends since we started homeschooling, and these would be the people I would do anything for at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 As PP said, sometimes people need you to tell them what you need. In general, though, it is the already busy who are able to help more, so it makes sense that your busy friend would help but not your sedentary family. :iagree: Someone asked what type of relationship my MIL and I have - actually - very pleasant, I am a MIL myself so I am always respectful and heartfelt in my respect to her. DH is very respectful to her and I do honor that b/c of his affection to both his parents. I use venues such as this to be somewhat sarcastic about her - but always totally accurate -- if someone had DIED, she would have to be here! THAT is just the way she is -- I guess that is her biggie and she has a scale of what merits being there or not. I am not being sarcastic -- just trying to gauge how she decides to be present. When the twins were born, she came to the house and told me she was going to sleep on our bedroom floor at the foot of our bed (I kid you not) so she could get up in the middle of the night with the twins. We had a huge house and DH told her that was not necessary - what we needed was for her to get a good night's sleep so she could tend to DD 19 mos bright and early the next day. And we certainly did not want her sleeping on the bedroom floor - that could not be good for anyone! She stayed for one day and left - did not return till Christmas Eve when we hosted a huge family dinner for everyone (October 30th till December 24th). It seems to me that if she cannot 'grandstand,' she is not interested in being present - my opinion. I do think that folks who are active and busy have no difficulty figuring out how to eke out time to help someone - folks who are accustomed to having a clean calendar page, perhaps have difficulty deciding to fill that page? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nevergiveup Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Wow! After reading some of the other posts, I feel really, really blessed. Last week we tore down half of our house, had to move all the utilities, had to unexpectedly chop the only working bathtub in half and I have had 4 friends offer the use of their houses--one gave me a key outright, two said come over anytime, one said they were leaving town and come stay in their house if we needed to. My sister, who lives 200 miles away, drove down with blackberry cobbler. This same sister had 2 brain tumors removed last year and a lot of her own stuff to deal with. My parents are both deceased and my husband's parents are in their 80's and half way across the country, but they would help if they lived nearby. We are helpers, ourselves, and don't hesitate to pitch in whenever anyone needs us. I wish I lived closer to some of the posters, because I would love to come help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I feel your pain; I wouldn't expect any help from my parents, either. We don't live near them, but they are always flying or driving around the country- they have the time and the means to do so. Somehow they never make it to our house although they are repeatedly invited. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. My mom called my husband at work to find out how I was doing, and was there anything she could do to help? He told her that he was sure I'd love to have her with me at this time, and could they come? She immediately back-pedaled, "No, we couldn't possibly!" and had a bunch of excuses. He came home and reported the story to me because he thought it was funny; so typical of my mom. But I wish he hadn't told me; it made me very sad that even a cancer diagnosis wouldn't bring my parents. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 was there anything she could do to help? He told her that he was sure I'd love to have her with me at this time, and could they come? She immediately back-pedaled, "No, we couldn't possibly!" and had a bunch of excuses. I am SO sorry -- I know that hurts! My mom and inlaws would do exactly the same -- they would call when the twins were born, ask what they could do to help. DH would ask if they could pop by the next day and maybe hold the babies and play with dd while I rested, and they would respond , 'Nope, can't do it. Bye.' I would walk over hot coals to help anyone - truly.....and I am there for my older daughters and they know it. That's why I started this thread - I suspected that experiences span from faithful, heartfelt help to absence that hurts...and I was curious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I feel your pain; I wouldn't expect any help from my parents, either. We don't live near them, but they are always flying or driving around the country- they have the time and the means to do so. Somehow they never make it to our house although they are repeatedly invited. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. My mom called my husband at work to find out how I was doing, and was there anything she could do to help? He told her that he was sure I'd love to have her with me at this time, and could they come? She immediately back-pedaled, "No, we couldn't possibly!" and had a bunch of excuses. He came home and reported the story to me because he thought it was funny; so typical of my mom. But I wish he hadn't told me; it made me very sad that even a cancer diagnosis wouldn't bring my parents. :( :grouphug: I'm sorry about that. While my mom jumped up in a crisis, I do get frustrated that when it's not crisis-mode and we just want them (her and my step-father) to come and see us and the kids ... just come to our house for a holiday for once...we get the "No, we couldn't possibly!" also.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Lea Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Both of our families are "stick together" type families. We could depend on both sets of parents, my sister and even my dh's aunts. Also, I have 2 best friends in town that are like family. I also have friends from church would be there in a heart beat if needed. Of course, WE are there for all these folks if needed also. Thankfully, we personally have never had a disaster that we've needed to call on these folks for, but have called on them for minor things. And we've done the same for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I know from experience that my mom and dad can be counted on. I spent 6 months on strict bedrest with my last baby, 3 of those months in the hospital. My mom spent 13 hours per day at my house, 3 days per week, homeschooling my children while my dh worked. My parents own a business, so that time she spent here meant my dad had to do all of his work and hers too. Can I just say that I LOVE my parents, and I look forward to the time when I can care for them the way they've cared for us?! :001_wub: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 To be honest, at times like this, I don't even think to call family. First, we tend to be "pull yourself up by your bootstrap people" so we tend to buckle down and do things ourselves. If we absolutely can't, I tend to call friends. I do have one friend that I know will drop everything to come but she only works part-time and has no kids and so she's in a better position to do so. The other person who even with a hectic schedule herself, who will drop everything to help is Needleroozer - from this board! Many of my neighbors will help too. It helps that these people who help know that I will drop everything to help them too. And that I have dropped everything at times to help. I think if I asked dh's family (mine lives across the country) they would help in some way. But we've had so many boundary issues in the past, I hesitate to invite them to help in a situation where normal boundaries are not there. So - I will turn to friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Dh & I are both only children. We have 1 parent still left, and she has Alzheimer's. our church is petty good about helping and I have a couple of friends who are good about sharing each other's burdens. But yeah, it's really lonesome when family isn't there or won't help out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 WHO shows up to lighten the load, ease the burden, any euphemism you choose -- even if only for a few hours -- Do you have someone who will offer OR who will just show up and seems to know intuitively what to do to ease the burden at that moment? To put it this way: WHEN you have a need, who steps up to fill it? Let me just say that one of the reasons DH and I relocated to Wash DC area when the twins weren't even a year old was because we were so hurt at the absence of his parents and my mom - who at the time lived 15 minutes from us. I'll go first: approx 75% of our house is ruined from a leaky pipe while we were on vacation. I emailed a friend (we have been friends for about 7 years) -- we haven't spoken or seen each other in months (both very busy - we have emailed sporadically) -- she was on the phone with us within minutes, and at our door shortly after that. She took all three kids with her Sunday afternoon -- we picked them up from her house hours later and she and her husband had a lovely dinner prepared for all of us -- she offered to take laundry and do it (we had already taken it to the laundry to be done) -- she works full time, has two children, and I was touched by the way she stepped up. I have done the same for her in similar situations. I'm curious -- am I expecting TOO much from dh's parents and my mom? (no, they are not elderly or infirmed) -- DH's parents basically sit at home 7 days a week, and decide if they want to do anything or nothing...oh, and they worry/ruminate/eat their liver over whatever DH's hapless 42 year old brother is doing.:glare: We live in Europe and our parents are both in Virginia. Honestly, I'm on my own. My husband is deployed and there isn't anyone I would ask for help. I've just learned to be very self sufficient and know that the only person I can truly count on is me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 We are too far for any family to be of help, but, we do have a good network of friends here we can count on. They are a blessing to our family. When my dad had his heart attack last July, our church family were willing to pay for me to go home to be with my family and at the same time committed to taking care of my dh and kids here while I was gone. We really are grateful for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I am the baby of a large family. My siblings are in clusters, #1,2,3 are close, #4 and 5 are close, #6 died at birth, #7 and 8 are close, I was born six years later and am on my own. I have always been the baby and have always been expected to sacrifice for everyone else, because everyone else was always older, and that made their problems more important. I was basically told this by my mother when I was in my teens. Combine that with the fact that I am willing to sacrifice to get what I want, and can work hard to make things happen for my family, I am never on the receiving end of any assistance. My life has always been this way. It is obvious and blatant enough that sister #5 has noticed it as well. I asked my mom one time why I was treated different than the older kids and her answer was, that no matter what, I always land on my feet, so she doesn't have to worry about me like the other kids. hMMMMM, nice. She doesn't have to solve my problems, and if I need something like money, I will find it or create a way to get by until I need it. When we adopted dd2 (my great-niece) 3 family members swore they would help us. We didn't really want to adopt since our youngest was 8 at the time, and we are a very busy family. We were finally getting to enjoy having older kids and able to do some things that were not little kid centered. We missed out on a lot of life by have our son at 22 (with no family support), and we were really looking forward to finally having some freedom. They promised to help take her on the weekends, to take her when we wanted to go on vacation or to go to dinner. They all promised that we were going to have to push them away. In 2.5 years, one sister babysat for 2 hours and dd10 was there to do most of the work. That is it, that is all. I have called and asked, but the answer is always 'we are too busy' or such. So, yeah, I get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 My father died when I was 13 and my mom died early in my marriage (and we knew she was dying so we married 9 or 10 months early just so she could be there for my wedding). My in-laws were never much help. Now we only have my fil left and he is basically out of the picture with us since he chose a life that we can't deal with. ( He has two of his sons who are both older than my 45 yo husband living there for years without work, also living there are a various assortment of sundry people and my dh says he doesn't feel safe there and won't have us go there. We offered to set him up in better conditions, including coming to live with us if he wanted, and he wanted to take care of permanently juvenile late 40, and 50 something year olds). If we needed help here, I am sure my neighbors, my church and my homeschooling group would help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peri Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 It's strange, isn't it. I'm somewhat in the same boat your in. Our friends will step in more than my parents will. I can't complain about DH's parents because they're overseas. We were overseas for 2 months and we also had a leaky pipe that ruined about 40% of the house that we had moved out of and hand't sold yet. It was right across the street from my parent's house so you think to every now and then check in on the place wouldn't be such a big deal. Right? They never did. My dad is worthless. I mean he wouldn't even do something for me if I needed it desperately. I can't really blame my mom because she has fibromyalgia(sp?) and was sick from it at the time. But usually with her, she will initially say, "I can't" and then feel guilty, turn around, and pitch in. She hates to say no to me being that I'm the only child (don't worry, I don't take advantage of that). But we have friends that will do exactly what your friend did. At the drop of a hat they are there for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna T. Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 We have our church family. There are several dear souls there who would help us out with anything at anytime. I happen to live next door to my pastor and his wife. They are very precious and would do anything for us. Our family has gone through a recent crisis and they have been a huge comfort to us. As for family, we have no one really. Fortunately, my husband is the roll up your sleeves and parent kind of Dad. He comes through the door everyday expecting to need to cook dinner, take the kids outside to give me a break, or run an errand (or two). He does laundry, whatever. He has made our home the focus of his life and I never have to worry that he won't be available to me. I have a wonderful friend who would help me in any situation at all... would stick by me through anything, but she's about a five hour drive away in a neighboring state. It used to hurt us really badly that we had so few, practically no, "real" family. But, the Lord has provided us with our church and for that, I'm very thankful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 When I was a kid, I watched my mom and her sister drop everything and run to help whomever needed help and the same was done for them in a time of need - friends, family, near, far, whatever. So, I grew up witnessing that level of help, and apparently thought that everyone did that. My mom stopped being helpful when my dad passed away - 17 years ago -- just decided she wouldn't help anymore -- which is curious b/c from the time he collapsed till the time he died (6 days) she was surrounded by friends and family who helped, cooked, picked up people at the airport, and did everything for her and continued to after he passed away. She proceeded to alienate herself from each and every one of them, made insulting remarks to the most well-meaning and helpful of the group, and adopted a rather selfish attitude about life in general. I understand the circumstances and I am not saying right or wrong - just describing what happened. What I find interesting in this thread is that it does seem to be rather 50/50 as far as folks coping on their own and folks having some kind of support system for them. It's also interesting that the help does not seem to hinge on what I would consider to be dire need - health, cancer, bedrest, - as opposed to what dh and i are experiencing now - soon to be displaced -- my observation is that if folks are going to help, they do; if they are not going to help, it doesn't matter what the circumstances, they don't. That's why I posted this question.....I was really curious to see how it was with others. Thanks to everyone who took time to answer, and please, if you haven't answered, I am quite interested in hearing your experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 My brothers would be missing in action. My mother would write a check and then head off on vacation. When I was going through the divorce from hell, I told my mother we were going to land in a homeless shelter. She gave me a whole long speech as she relaxed in her 4000 square foot seven figure home for 1 person. She never invited us to move in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 When I was going through the divorce from hell, I told my mother we were going to land in a homeless shelter. She gave me a whole long speech as she relaxed in her 4000 square foot seven figure home for 1 person. She never invited us to move in. When I was having the same experience, my mom lived with my sister in sister's Mc mansion - they lived a mile from my daughters and me. Suffice to say, my experience is similar to yours. When my house sold, my sister told me to move into her beach house until the girls and I got on our feet. I am not kidding about the next part: we had a dog, a lovely yellow lab. We had been in the house for literally 15 minutes -- everything we owned was put in storage as the beach house was completely furnished and equipped. My sister KNEW the dog would be coming with us - the dog was crated and not a problem. We walked in the door at 6pm......at 6:15pm the phone rang. It was my sister telling me we had to move out b/c my dog SMELLED! I went out the next day and bought a house of my own -- so much for taking time to get on my feet....at least I was able to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 It's interesting. My mom and dad would be here in a second if there were an emergency. They have helped us out a few times when we've had hospital stays or other emergencies. My mom and dad have always said that they want to be the type of grandparents who show up to the kids' activities. We moved from 6.5 hours away from them to 2.5. It feels close! They want to be involved. I send them my kids' schedules and they NEVER come. I confronted my mom with it once and it ended up with both of us having very hurt feelings. So, I won't do it again. But, they have no children still at home. Mom is retired. Dad is a college professor (so, summers off and flexible schedule). I really don't mean to complain. Mom and dad are very loving, caring people. They just don't make plans in advance with ME. They'll put their friends in their hometown on the calendar, but only come to see us IF something else doesn't come up. (Unless it's an emergency, and then, they'll drop everything else to be here.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 We're pretty much on our own also. My il's were never any help, too wrapped up in their own problems, but they've both passed away. My parents would help, I think, if we lived close, but we've never been less than an 11 hour drive away. We're now an 8 hour flight away. We have some friends here who we can call on in extreme need (I started hemorraging during a miscarriage while dh was out of the country and one watched my other kids while another took me to the hospital - that sort of thing). But I don't know anyone who would pitch in the way that your friends did. No dinner brought over, no asking to do our laundry, no stepping in and doing what needs to get done without being asked. I think part of it's the culture here. Everyone is very private. We've had to learn to live with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 My family? No. They all live across the country, and even when I was a 10 min drive away, and a single mom, my parents did nothing for me. Even when 2 fridges broke down (after grocery shopping of course) they didn't help me at all. Of course, both my younger brothers and wives have taken turn LIVING with my parents so they could save to buy a house...*sigh* Wolf's family? MIL is in another province. His bbrother in another city. His bsister in another province. So pretty much a 'no' on that one. Friends? SpecialMama is an incredible blessing to me. She's come over to mind the kids for a weekend so Wolf and I could go away for the first time in 5 yrs, she watched them so we could go for dinner for my birthday, and has even come over and CLEANED my house with me attempting to pitch in, and ending up sitting in a chair talking to her while she worked because the pain prevented me from doing anything else. She's also edited my writing. I sincerely don't know what I would do without her, and wish I could do something in return...I feel guilty about how much she's given us, and feel like I'm not as good a friend to her as she is to me, but she insists that everything is ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 she insists that everything is ok. And it is. I haven't ever gone to anyone's aid with any expectation other than my meeting their need at that time....sounds like SpecialMama is the same with you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 A few years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. My mom called my husband at work to find out how I was doing, and was there anything she could do to help? He told her that he was sure I'd love to have her with me at this time, and could they come? She immediately back-pedaled, "No, we couldn't possibly!" and had a bunch of excuses. He came home and reported the story to me because he thought it was funny; so typical of my mom. But I wish he hadn't told me; it made me very sad that even a cancer diagnosis wouldn't bring my parents. :( Wow, I'm so sorry. I wish my mother were the type I'd want to have around when I was having a crisis. But, she's not. And really, that makes me sad. When I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma, both my father and his wife asked to come, as well as did my mother and her husband. But, I told them both not to, because it was an outpatient procedure and we already had meals, etc arranged. My dad respected my request. My mother, however, showed up the day before surgery, unannounced and uninvited (specifically told not to come). She made sure I knew how much it cost her to fly out here. She was very invasive and pushy with the hospital staff regarding private issues about MY body, she wouldn't let my-then-husband come back to pre-op with me, even when I emphatically asked for that. She wanted to be present for the pregnancy test they always give a female before surgery (all I had to do was pee in a cup; she was expecting a pelvic and wanted to be there for that. Can we say FREAK?), and as we sat in pre-op waiting for me to be wheeled away, she asked if I was prepared to lose my arm (not even a possibility at this point) or if I had a will and did it give custody of my kids to my brother and his wife! She told me she'd fight EX for the kids on my behalf. It was surreal and insane. The next day after surgery, she wanted to go sight-seeing and where did we end up? At the Funeral Customs Museum! The day after my cancer surgery, and before any test results had come back, my mother dragged me through a museum that exhibited how to embalm people and how funeral customs had changed in the US over the past 200 years. Too bad we can't wave a wand and make our mothers what we need them to be. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Wow, I'm so sorry. I wish my mother were the type I'd want to have around when I was having a crisis. But, she's not. And really, that makes me sad. When I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma, both my father and his wife asked to come, as well as did my mother and her husband. But, I told them both not to, because it was an outpatient procedure and we already had meals, etc arranged. My dad respected my request. My mother, however, showed up the day before surgery, unannounced and uninvited (specifically told not to come). She made sure I knew how much it cost her to fly out here. She was very invasive and pushy with the hospital staff regarding private issues about MY body, she wouldn't let my-then-husband come back to pre-op with me, even when I emphatically asked for that. She wanted to be present for the pregnancy test they always give a female before surgery (all I had to do was pee in a cup; she was expecting a pelvic and wanted to be there for that. Can we say FREAK?), and as we sat in pre-op waiting for me to be wheeled away, she asked if I was prepared to lose my arm (not even a possibility at this point) or if I had a will and did it give custody of my kids to my brother and his wife! She told me she'd fight EX for the kids on my behalf. It was surreal and insane. The next day after surgery, she wanted to go sight-seeing and where did we end up? At the Funeral Customs Museum! The day after my cancer surgery, and before any test results had come back, my mother dragged me through a museum that exhibited how to embalm people and how funeral customs had changed in the US over the past 200 years. Too bad we can't wave a wand and make our mothers what we need them to be. :grouphug: All I can say is "WOW" -- and I am so sorry! and..."WOW" :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Family (on my side) has never been there for me... hubby's side not really, but they do help financially. Our biggest help during a crisis has always been neighbors, HSing pals, or church friends. Family rarely helps -- if you mean by dropping everything and rushing to your side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I'm very blessed that my parents, my sister, and even my both of my grandparents all live within 15 minutes of our house....any of them would help us with anything that we needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Wow, I'm so sorry. I wish my mother were the type I'd want to have around when I was having a crisis. But, she's not. And really, that makes me sad.... Too bad we can't wave a wand and make our mothers what we need them to be. :grouphug: Hugs to you, Michelle! Mine was a melanoma, too...I am completely recovered and hope you are, too. And I'm not sure how much help my mom would have been if she'd come, either...that's a whole 'nother story...but it was so hurtful that she asked and then refused. I've cried buckets over the years for not having the mom I wanted. Finally, about 2 years ago, it sunk in and I don't cry anymore. It is what it is. That's also when I stopped issuing invitations. They won't come, so I don't bother. She "tricked" me into inviting her in the spring...asked when one of the kids had an event. I gave her the dates...never heard back...weeks later I asked my dad. She hadn't even mentioned it to him, so he said, "I guess that's a no." Blah. PS - I am so happy when I read the stories here, or talk to my friends who are close to their families. It gives me hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 (edited) Nobody outside our home, unfortunately. The only person I know here is my roommate. He is here if something goes wrong and I swear the man is a saint. Does he count even though he is part of the household here? Edited September 23, 2009 by Sputterduck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hugs to you, Michelle! Mine was a melanoma, too...I am completely recovered and hope you are, too. And I'm not sure how much help my mom would have been if she'd come, either...that's a whole 'nother story...but it was so hurtful that she asked and then refused. I've cried buckets over the years for not having the mom I wanted. Finally, about 2 years ago, it sunk in and I don't cry anymore. It is what it is. That's also when I stopped issuing invitations. They won't come, so I don't bother. She "tricked" me into inviting her in the spring...asked when one of the kids had an event. I gave her the dates...never heard back...weeks later I asked my dad. She hadn't even mentioned it to him, so he said, "I guess that's a no." Blah. PS - I am so happy when I read the stories here, or talk to my friends who are close to their families. It gives me hope. And, it makes me more determined to NOT be the kind of mother she was. My son has thanked me many times for turning out like my mother. By the grace of God... Yes, I'm recovered and doing fine! Glad you are, too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 The short answer is we have an awesome church family and amazing friends outside of our church. If it REALLY hit the fan, our family is a 7 hour drive away. But in a moment's notice emergency, it would be our friends. Unfortunately, we've had to test that hypothesis more than once. In the last 2 years we've had a forest fire evacuation and my dh was in a motorcycle accident. Both times, our friends dropped everything to come to our rescue. Thank God. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Wow, I'm so sorry. I wish my mother were the type I'd want to have around when I was having a crisis. But, she's not. And really, that makes me sad. When I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma, both my father and his wife asked to come, as well as did my mother and her husband. But, I told them both not to, because it was an outpatient procedure and we already had meals, etc arranged. My dad respected my request. My mother, however, showed up the day before surgery, unannounced and uninvited (specifically told not to come). She made sure I knew how much it cost her to fly out here. She was very invasive and pushy with the hospital staff regarding private issues about MY body, she wouldn't let my-then-husband come back to pre-op with me, even when I emphatically asked for that. She wanted to be present for the pregnancy test they always give a female before surgery (all I had to do was pee in a cup; she was expecting a pelvic and wanted to be there for that. Can we say FREAK?), and as we sat in pre-op waiting for me to be wheeled away, she asked if I was prepared to lose my arm (not even a possibility at this point) or if I had a will and did it give custody of my kids to my brother and his wife! She told me she'd fight EX for the kids on my behalf. It was surreal and insane. The next day after surgery, she wanted to go sight-seeing and where did we end up? At the Funeral Customs Museum! The day after my cancer surgery, and before any test results had come back, my mother dragged me through a museum that exhibited how to embalm people and how funeral customs had changed in the US over the past 200 years. Too bad we can't wave a wand and make our mothers what we need them to be. :grouphug: We never told dh's parents that he was dxed with colon cancer. We caught it very early, so no chemo was needed. If it had been, we probably would have told his dad (parents are divorced), but I don't think we'd tell his mom unless death was impending. She's that bad. (((HUGS))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peachskittles Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 My SO and I are on our own...When we lived just a short drive from his mom, she never came to visit, we were expected to come to her...His father never makes an attempt to see us or call us…My parents would never help me out or maybe it's I'd never let them after the last time they "helped" me out...My younger sister would try to help but she just doesn't have the ability to come and help out... My other sister, *sigh*, she helps if she's around but her helping is more self centered...The last two times I needed her was when my youngest was born and then when he went to the hospital a little over a month later...First time, to prove me wrong on my 2 year olds allergies, she fed him EVERYTHING he wasn't allowed to have and then when I came home from the hospital with my newborn told me such and said "Don't worry I didn't notice anything wrong with him"...Never mind the distended belly, rash on his body and face, inability to sleep and diarrhea :glare:...The second time she wasn't in town and I called her crying from the hospital...At first she was all like "I'm gonna get my shoes on and drive there", then when I called again said "Well if he isn't dying I'll just stay here and you can update me on what's wrong with him"...I came home a little less than a week later to a message asking if her debit card came in and oh yea, she hoped that the baby was okay...These two incidents happened in July and August this year, so this isn’t an odd occurrence in her life…I love her dearly though... Also, we don't have friends here to help out...I'm anti social I guess or people just don't like me...:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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