Would you consider it rude...

[Bess]

For someone to come by in the afternoon to visit, then sit there in the living room until 5:30 obviously waiting for a spur of the moment invite to stay for dinner? These people know we normally eat at 5:30/6:00. Then when one of the children asks one of them, "are you staying for dinner?" (grrrrr) They reply "I don't know." That's where the "obviously" part comes in.

 

Okay, after you've answered whether the above is rude or not, what if I told you they were my parents? Would that change your opinion? Because I personally think it's rude to assume you'll be invited to stay for dinner when they haven't received an invite beforehand. It was clear that when they wanted to "stop by" it would only be for the afternoon. This frustrates me to no end. It's not the first time either. So, I didn't ask them to stay because honestly I did not have enough food in my fridge to make extra. I waited until they left to start dinner because I thought it would be rude to start it while they were still there. Ugh. I feel guilty but then I think I shouldn't, because they were the rude ones. And then of course, it was rude of my child to ask them that too I think.

[OHGrandma]

You can't say to your parents, "Mom, Dad, I'd love to invite you to stay for dinner but what I have planned won't stretch far enough and my food budget won't let me order a pizza in tonight."?

[clarkacademy]

I can see where that would be a bit irritating except for the your parents part. In risk of upsetting anyone did you need an invite the years they fed and clothed you? I'm sorry I could not imagine not being glad to feed my parents. All the years they took care of me unless there is bad family history or something I just could never see not treating my parents with the respect they deserve.

[Donna T.]

No, I would not consider that to be rude. In fact, I think it would be rude not to invite them to eat dinner. If not having enough was an issue, I'd say, "Well, we don't really have much to offer... it's pretty slim pickin's around here, but you are welcome to share what we have." Give them a little dab and do it with a smile.

 

After all, you never know what tomorrow brings. Who knows you will even have them tomorrow? I'd cherish the moment, eat less myself and be thankful I had parents that wanted to spend time with me. That's something that not everyone has, by the way.

 

:001_smile:

[LibraryLover]

I'd invite my parents to dinner. I would have done it the moment they arrived.

 

That said, I don't know your parents.

[Remudamom]

Anyone in our family (and tons not in the family) are welcome to come stay, eat, nap, whatever anytime they like.

[Pongo]

:DMy parents absolutely, my MIL.....I plead the 5th

[Audrey]

For someone to come by in the afternoon to visit, then sit there in the living room until 5:30 obviously waiting for a spur of the moment invite to stay for dinner? These people know we normally eat at 5:30/6:00. Then when one of the children asks one of them, "are you staying for dinner?" (grrrrr) They reply "I don't know." That's where the "obviously" part comes in.

 

Okay, after you've answered whether the above is rude or not, what if I told you they were my parents? Would that change your opinion? Because I personally think it's rude to assume you'll be invited to stay for dinner when they haven't received an invite beforehand. It was clear that when they wanted to "stop by" it would only be for the afternoon. This frustrates me to no end. It's not the first time either. So, I didn't ask them to stay because honestly I did not have enough food in my fridge to make extra. I waited until they left to start dinner because I thought it would be rude to start it while they were still there. Ugh. I feel guilty but then I think I shouldn't, because they were the rude ones. And then of course, it was rude of my child to ask them that too I think.

 

 

For me, the fact that it is parents (or any family for that matter) changes everything. Non-family can get their own d*mn dinner, but I'd ALWAYS feed family -- no questions asked. YMMV.

[Heather in WI]

Rude for most people, but absolutely not for parents. It's more rude not to invite them, I think.

[elegantlion]

No, I would not consider that to be rude. In fact, I think it would be rude not to invite them to eat dinner. If not having enough was an issue, I'd say, "Well, we don't really have much to offer... it's pretty slim pickin's around here, but you are welcome to share what we have." Give them a little dab and do it with a smile.

 

After all, you never know what tomorrow brings. Who knows you will even have them tomorrow? I'd cherish the moment, eat less myself and be thankful I had parents that wanted to spend time with me. That's something that not everyone has, by the way.

 

:001_smile:

 

:iagree:We used to have a standing open invitation to eat dinner at their house. This was when times were really tough for us and all we had to do was call and say we were coming over. I would gladly reciprocate for them anytime. Now we live 800 miles away from them and I miss them.

 

It was pretty much assumed that anytime we got together we would share a meal, but my parents are not just parents, they are friends.

[LibraryLover]

Anyone in our family (and tons not in the family) are welcome to come stay, eat, nap, whatever anytime they like.

 

 

Which is why your house, like mine, is probably Grand Central Station.

 

Let me just say that pasta and potatoes are my frugal friends.

[Audrey]

Which is why your house, like mine, is probably Grand Central Station.

 

Let me just say that pasta and potatoes are my frugal friends.

 

And rice! My gods can you ever stretch a little bit of food if you throw in rice and call it casserole!

[eternalknot]

I fell for it LOL.

 

I thought it was a it presumptious of your visitors ... until I found out they were family. And parents, at that. For me that totally changes things, but that is based on how I feel about my own family (and I'd absolutely have assumed my own parents were staying, and that they'd know my situation well enough to know that if they CHOSE to it would be slim pickin's).

 

FWIW, I'm not particularly fond of my inlaws (I like them as people, but not so much as inlaws) but even if it were them (and ... it usually is the same sort of "waiting to be asked" kind of thing) I'd have still assumed they were staying. And it would have annoyed me for a minute, but not really surprise me - if that makes any sense.

 

Either way, I'd make no apologies for the meal or the portion sizes. And in my culture it's assumed you will give the older folks the choiciest selection. My inlaws don't subscribe to this (they are a different culture), but they know it and know I feel obligated to it.

 

So I totally get your frustration with the situation. I guess what I do (that might also work for you) is to pre-empt certain things if I get that gnawing feeling in my gut. You have enough familiarity with them to know what's going down ~ throw something out like, "Tonight's one of those 'whatever is in the pantry' nights for dinner so I need some extra time to figure out how I'm going to feed the kids. Sorry you have to go now." LOL

 

I'm sorry that they keep putting you in that position.

[OnTheBrink]

Friends--rude, unless you have set a precedent that allows friends to hang out at meal times.

 

Family--not rude. Although, if my dad showed up at mealtime, he'd take everyone out, regardless of the meal plans! LOL

[LibraryLover]

And rice! My gods can you ever stretch a little bit of food if you throw in rice and call it casserole!

 

 

lol Rice, ah yes, Rice. And beans. Call it a day or call it Mexican Fiesta Night. :D

[FriedClams]

Anyone in our family (and tons not in the family) are welcome to come stay, eat, nap, whatever anytime they like.

 

:iagree:

[Lovedtodeath]

 

You can't say to your parents, "Mom, Dad, I'd love to invite you to stay for dinner but what I have planned won't stretch far enough and my food budget won't let me order a pizza in tonight."?

:iagree:I would either gladly change my dinner plans or tell them the truth as to why I didn't want them to stay. Of course, after going through marriage therapy I am extremely honest and tactful with everyone (I learned so much, I don't want to hold anything in and damage the relationship as a result.) so I would most likely do the same even if it weren't my parents.

[MamaT]

Anyone in our family (and tons not in the family) are welcome to come stay, eat, nap, whatever anytime they like.

 

:iagree: There are many times I honestly don't know how many teenagers will emerge from my basement when dinners on. They show up, come in the basement door, and wander upstairs when they smell food.

 

I live 500 miles away from any family, but when we lived close I would have expected my parents or in-laws to stay for dinner if they were there in the afternoon.

[Remudamom]

Which is why your house, like mine, is probably Grand Central Station.

 

.

 

Sadly, no. We're so far out we love company anytime.

[hsmom3tn]

No, I would not consider that to be rude. In fact, I think it would be rude not to invite them to eat dinner. If not having enough was an issue, I'd say, "Well, we don't really have much to offer... it's pretty slim pickin's around here, but you are welcome to share what we have." Give them a little dab and do it with a smile.

 

After all, you never know what tomorrow brings. Who knows you will even have them tomorrow? I'd cherish the moment, eat less myself and be thankful I had parents that wanted to spend time with me. That's something that not everyone has, by the way.

 

:001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

I didn't read all of the replies because this is exactly what I was thinking. Well said. :)

[FO4UR]

If it were my parents, I would have asked them to stay and run to the store real quick for an extra loaf of bread (or whatever)....actually, if it were my mom, she would have showed up with food, and then cooked it...and helped with the dishes. I WISH I lived close enough to my mom for that to happen more often!:lol:

 

My MIL - the same...we see them so rarely that when we do get together, at our home or not, she cooks dh's fave dishes.

 

If I had parents that showed up like that, and increasingly often, I would worry that they had $ troubles. Or, I would assume they were lonely. Either way, given the relationship is otherwise healthy, I would ask them to stay. Maybe schedule a weekly dinner together and ask them to bring a dish or two? That way, it's not so much $ and it's built into your schedule - no surprises.

[Pretty in Pink]

I'm just repeating what everyone else already said. Family absolutely would be invited to stay. I don't think your parents were rude for hanging around waiting for the invite. I guess growing up military and being a military spouse informs my perspective because we get so few opportunities like the one you passed up. Our closest family is a seven hour drive away.

[LauraGB]

Sorry, Bess. I'd feed the 'rents, too. If they are your family, they will understand if its only cheese and crackers for dinner. Although, I must say, that if *I* were the family, I would leave if I knew it was dinner time rather than infringing...but maybe that's just me.

 

Dh has a friend that ALWAYS eats here. It bugs me, but I'm not sending him off hungry. He'd have to eat the leftovers if it was a choice between family and him.

[Orthodox6]

Was it the OP's parents? Nothing in the original post said so, but respondents started referring to her folks being the visitors.

 

So I don't think I have enough info to go on.

 

Were it my parents, I would be thinking there was an underlying need for them to want to stay for dinner -- loneliness? lack of money/food themselves? something needed to discuss?

 

Were it friends, I might have the same conclusions as those listed above. I also, however, might have answered the child, "No, they're just visiting. We'll have dinner together another time."

 

We are on short rations ($) all of the time in my family. Food, however, I find expandable for guests without much effort. (Soup can be made from almost anything, and homemade biscuits are as low-cost as it gets.) How does that line from (Proverbs, I think) go? "Better a dish of herbs with friends than . . ." :)

[Happy]

Your question has been answered and this may be considered 'piling on' but do you know how much I would give to have my parents over for dinner?

My dad died before I had children. My mom died fourteen years ago.

 

What I wouldn't give for a big family dinner.

 

Call your mom and tell her what happened. Tell her you've come to your senses and want them to come over tomorrow night for dinner.

[swimmermom3]

I understand where everyone is coming from with regards to honoring parents and feeding family. My guess would be that most of you have strong relationships with your parents. However, no one asked the op about her relationship with her folks or if there are circumstances that we are unaware of.

 

Bess, does this happen once a month? Does this happen 5 nights a week? You've apparently seen a pattern, perhaps you should assume they want to stay for dinner. If the budget's tight, invite them for dinner and ask if they would mind bringing bread/salad/or dessert. We, the board have made some assumptions here that may not hold true. Does your dad say inappropriate things in front of the kids? Does each dinner go late into the evening, leaving you and the dc unprepared and crabby for the school day?Does someone need to drink at each meal and become garrulous? There are so many variables.

 

However, if this happens maybe once a month, and your parents are delightful company...well, I guess I would go with the rest of the group and advise you to keep something quick in the pantry. If your mother despises your cooking and says so in front of your kids...that's another story.

[Erica in PA]

For someone to come by in the afternoon to visit, then sit there in the living room until 5:30 obviously waiting for a spur of the moment invite to stay for dinner? These people know we normally eat at 5:30/6:00. Then when one of the children asks one of them, "are you staying for dinner?" (grrrrr) They reply "I don't know." That's where the "obviously" part comes in.

 

Okay, after you've answered whether the above is rude or not, what if I told you they were my parents? Would that change your opinion? Because I personally think it's rude to assume you'll be invited to stay for dinner when they haven't received an invite beforehand. It was clear that when they wanted to "stop by" it would only be for the afternoon. This frustrates me to no end. It's not the first time either. So, I didn't ask them to stay because honestly I did not have enough food in my fridge to make extra. I waited until they left to start dinner because I thought it would be rude to start it while they were still there. Ugh. I feel guilty but then I think I shouldn't, because they were the rude ones. And then of course, it was rude of my child to ask them that too I think.

 

I think it would only be rude if you know that those people don't care about your company and are only interested in getting a free meal-- not usually true of one's own parents. Once your dd asked them if they were staying for dinner, that put you all in an awkward position....and I'm sorry to say so, but once that was out there, I think the only kind thing possible was to tell them they were welcome to stay to eat with you, even if that didn't fit with your dinner plans. I would probably call them, tell them what happened with your concerns about not having enough, and ask them to come over in the next few days for dinner.

[Slartibartfast]

If it was my parents I would tell them I didn't have enough food for everyone and make my dad go get something. :lol:

 

My parents don't live near me though :(

[phathui5]

My parents wouldn't have done that, so yeah, I think it would be weird.

[Pink Fairy]

Okay, after you've answered whether the above is rude or not, what if I told you they were my parents? Would that change your opinion?

 

Was it the OP's parents? Nothing in the original post said so, but respondents started referring to her folks being the visitors.

 

So I don't think I have enough info to go on.

 

 

 

I think her statement makes it perfectly clear that these were her parents, unless she's playing games with us (I didn't get that impression :001_smile:).

 

I'd pile on with everyone else, but I have to wonder like some PP's if there aren't other issues here. On the surface, I'd definitely have invited them, but are there underlying problems? That would make a difference.

[KingM]

I'd invite them every time. I think in the "who cooked for whom?" contest, it might be awhile before I paid my mother back for the meals she has cooked for me.

[Ginevra]

Swimmermom, did you study Logic and Rhetoric? :lol: All well said, and well thought of, and well asked.

 

Here's my angle: I had a "friend" who often seemed like she was trying to manipulate my plans to suit *her* and I really got so sick of it, I dumped her. After she endeavored to nicely brow-beat me towards changing my dd's birthday party time because her child would need a nap and her hinting and buggin' around how an evening party would be nicer, I told her succinctly that the party was at 3:00, sorry if she couldn't make it. Better luck next time. And there never was a next time.

 

But parents - yes, for me that is a different horse, and I don't have a great relationship with my parents. They are not abusive or absurd; won't get drunk or swear at the kids, but aren't my first-faves for dinner guests. However, if it's nearing a mealtime, I'm making food for everyone, however meager. Funnily enough, one reason I feel this way about it is because my parents DON'T do this. If I come over and my stay overlaps a meal-time, they hold out extending an invitation. It feels quite hostile; are they so *over* having fed me for 20 years they can't spare a lunch one more time? I have left, ate at the YuckDonald's and come back. I have also left when I could otherwise have stayed for a few more hours. I couldn't hope for a meal offer, so I left sooner. I think that's a sorry loss, whatever the reason they resist asking me to stay for a meal.

 

My MIL, on the other hand, would feed the whole town if they showed up at a mealtime. Her hospitality is widely known and is one of her most excellant qualities. As my children get older, I hope that my house will be one of those where friends feel they are welcome and they can get a nice meal and good, clean fun any day.

Edited September 18, 2009 by Ginevra
typo that substantially changed my meaning!

[Orthodox6]

I genuinely, honestly, truly missed the sentence about it being her parents. Took until right now to notice it. Of course I did not think the poster was "playing games". I just wondered if everybody else was personally acquainted with her (via reading posts over the months) thereby knew the situation, and it had not been noted explicitly.

 

I sure hope you did not, for some reason, think I was being obnoxious. I just felt lacking in information, so crafted my earlier response to cover the possible situations.

 

 

I think her statement makes it perfectly clear that these were her parents, unless she's playing games with us (I didn't get that impression :001_smile:).

 

I'd pile on with everyone else, but I have to wonder like some PP's if there aren't other issues here. On the surface, I'd definitely have invited them, but are there underlying problems? That would make a difference.

[Rosie_0801]

I think fishing for an invitation is rude, even if it's parents.

 

If my relatives are still around at dinner time, I offer to feed them if I have food. If I don't have any food, or enough food, I expect them to go home or to offer to run to the shops for something to top up. (I am living on a tight budget and can't always afford to feed others, and they know that.) I may take them up on that, or I might dig further into the pantry. The only time any of my relatives have offended me was the time my sister showed up at nearly midnight and told me she'd been hungry for two hours. Apparently her boyfriend had suggested they stop somewhere and she'd told him not to bother (because she didn't want to spend the money) and I'd feed them. Usually my rellies invite themselves over on very short notice, so they can't expect me to have shopped. In fact, more than once I've woken up to find my brother or father asleep in the backyard. They could have knocked or used the spare key, lol.

 

 

Rosie

[Pink Fairy]

I genuinely, honestly, truly missed the sentence about it being her parents. Took until right now to notice it. Of course I did not think the poster was "playing games". I just wondered if everybody else was personally acquainted with her (via reading posts over the months) thereby knew the situation, and it had not been noted explicitly.

 

I sure hope you did not, for some reason, think I was being obnoxious. I just felt lacking in information, so crafted my earlier response to cover the possible situations.

 

I didn't think that at all (I've read enough of your posts to know you aren't the obnoxious type and had just made a mistake).

 

ETA: I hope my post didn't come across as obnoxious either. So hard to convey tone sometimes!

Edited September 18, 2009 by Mamabegood

[Guest janainaz]

If it were a friend or an acquaintance, it would certainly be rude (I've had this happen with a friend who has four wild kids - it made me crazy). As far as it being parents, if it were mine, I'd just tell them straight out, "I'd love to have you, but I don't have enough food. You are welcome to stay, but it's going to be cereal for you!" It's more of an easy-going relationship.

 

Your situation depends on your relationship with your parents. I don't have my dad and stepmom close and the idea of getting to have them hang out for dinner would be a happy moment for me. But, if I lived near them - I might feel different. Sometimes you just have to make light of it. They won't be around forever.

[Karen in CO]

If anyone is near my house at dinner I offer to feed them. If what I made won't stretch - I'll thrown extra something somewhere even if it is rice and more veggies and some bread and then make a dessert so no one will leave hungry even if I had to cut everyone's portion of meat. I was raised where basic hospitality meant offering people a seat and a drink when they enter and offering them food. I really try to feed everyone. I don't live near any family and since my ds has gone away for college I miss having extra people for dinner. Tonight, I had extra pot roast - I make great pot roast, and whenever I made it when ds was home, somehow all of his friends would find out and we could have as many as 6 extra teen boys for a meal.

 

Anyone wanna come over? Oh wait - I'm working tomorrow; I don't cook on Fridays.

[Bess]

Okay, I feel bad now. But that's probably what I needed. To answer the questions, yes the relationship is complicated. It's my mom and stepdad (who I am not close to at all). I feel like when they come over they are there to be served. By me. It's a major effort for me to have them here... as I feel they are not pleased unless they are served (even getting water... they would not help themselves, they want to be asked and served)

 

I've had a stressful week, which my mom knows, and she even told me they were stopping by because she sensed I was down this week. That's why I felt it was rude that she would expect a dinner invite... that's adds more stress to my plate, but I guess she doesn't view it that way.

 

They would not be happy if I offered cereal or chicken nuggets (which is what we had for dinner tonight). Looking back, I should have at least offered to get a pizza. Honestly i just didn't feel like serving them tonight because of other things I've been dealing with that are stressful, plus I'm getting my period, plus my husband was working late, so it would be me handling everything.

 

Oh, and I'm not a great cook. I really don't know how I would have thrown stuff together at the last minute. I have rice, but I don't have enough veggies even in the freezer to go with it. I don't have beans. I'm just not good about that sort of thing. When I normally invite them to dinner, it's a huge effort... preparing the menu, etc. because they like good food, and I can always tell when my mom doesn't think it's good enough because she won't say anything about the food.

 

But again... I could have ordered pizza.

 

Well, I'll do better next time.

Edited September 18, 2009 by Bess

[Orthodox6]

Not to worry ! Actually, given the fact that I strive to read carefully (as a requirement for communication), I'm concerned that I read that post several times without noticing such central information. I must be really tired this evening ! :blushing:

 

I didn't think that at all (I've read enough of your posts to know you aren't the obnoxious type and had just made a mistake).

 

ETA: I hope my post didn't come across as obnoxious either. So hard to convey tone sometimes!

[LauraGB]

Okay, I feel bad now. But that's probably what I needed. To answer the questions, yes the relationship is complicated. It's my mom and stepdad (who I am not close to at all). I feel like when they come over they are there to be served. By me. It's a major effort for me to have them here... as I feel they are not pleased unless they are served (even getting water... they would not help themselves, they want to be asked and served)

 

I've had a stressful week, which my mom knows, and she even told me they were stopping by because she sensed I was down this week. That's why I felt it was rude that she would expect a dinner invite... that's adds more stress to my plate, but I guess she doesn't view it that way.

 

They would not be happy if I offered cereal or chicken nuggets (which is what we had for dinner tonight). Looking back, I should have at least offered to get a pizza. Honestly i just didn't feel like serving them tonight because of other things I've been dealing with that are stressful, plus I'm getting my period, plus my husband was working late, so it would be me handling everything.

 

Oh, and I'm not a great cook. I really don't know how I would have thrown stuff together at the last minute. I have rice, but I don't have enough veggies even in the freezer to go with it. I don't have beans. I'm just not good about that sort of thing. But again... I could have ordered pizza.

 

Well, I'll do better next time.

 

Okay! Well, in that case, I still would have kept them (possibly not lovingly, but I would have kept that to myself and grumbled internally), HOWEVER...I would have made sure I *invited* my mom to help me make dinner. And afterwards, help me clean up.

 

Don't feel bad. They're family - they get stuff.

[Bess]

Thanks to this board and conviction, I just wrote my mom this email:

 

"Sorry I didn’t ask you guys to stay for dinner. We were having chicken nuggets and frozen steamed veggies because dh had a late conference call. I honestly didn’t think we had enough for you and was embarrassed to offer such a pathetic type of meal. Looking back, I could have ordered pizza though, so I’m sorry. I’m not good about thinking up things like that on the fly. We’ll have you over soon for a real meal. :)"

[Bess]

Okay! Well, in that case, I still would have kept them (possibly not lovingly, but I would have kept that to myself and grumbled internally), HOWEVER...I would have made sure I *invited* my mom to help me make dinner. And afterwards, help me clean up.

 

Don't feel bad. They're family - they get stuff.

 

Yeah, she doesn't help with dinner and never helps clean up. She doesn't even clear her plate. I honestly don't think I could ask her to help... she's not like that. It's hard to explain.

[katemary63]

Which is why your house, like mine, is probably Grand Central Station.

 

Let me just say that pasta and potatoes are my frugal friends.

 

Yes, we ALWAYS have lots of pasta and jarred sauce in the cupboard and several bags of ravioli in the freezer. You can feed anybody with that. IF I have zuccini and mushrooms, I'll saute those to add, or else I'd just run to the store quick.

 

I would have said as they walked in the door, "Hey, are you guys staying for dinner? We can have spaghetti or I can run to the store quick?"

[Aggie]

Thanks to this board and conviction, I just wrote my mom this email:

 

"Sorry I didn’t ask you guys to stay for dinner. We were having chicken nuggets and frozen steamed veggies because dh had a late conference call. I honestly didn’t think we had enough for you and was embarrassed to offer such a pathetic type of meal. Looking back, I could have ordered pizza though, so I’m sorry. I’m not good about thinking up things like that on the fly. We’ll have you over soon for a real meal. :)"

 

 

This is a good email. I'm sure she'll understand.

 

FWIW, my mom comes from a family who waits on guests. The guests, whether family or not, do not lift a finger while they visit. It's still very odd to me and my mom is finally changing her mind on the whole idea of guests not helping with meals.:lol:

 

KingM...your mom raised a kind, thoughtful son. :001_smile:

 

PS...Bess, did you talk with your dc about not inviting anyone for meals? LOL I've taught mine that only I have that privilege! :)

[LibraryLover]

Thanks to this board and conviction, I just wrote my mom this email:

 

"Sorry I didn’t ask you guys to stay for dinner. We were having chicken nuggets and frozen steamed veggies because dh had a late conference call. I honestly didn’t think we had enough for you and was embarrassed to offer such a pathetic type of meal. Looking back, I could have ordered pizza though, so I’m sorry. I’m not good about thinking up things like that on the fly. We’ll have you over soon for a real meal. :)"

 

I think that is sweet!

[fshinkevich]

No, I would not consider that to be rude. In fact, I think it would be rude not to invite them to eat dinner. If not having enough was an issue, I'd say, "Well, we don't really have much to offer... it's pretty slim pickin's around here, but you are welcome to share what we have." Give them a little dab and do it with a smile.

 

After all, you never know what tomorrow brings. Who knows you will even have them tomorrow? I'd cherish the moment, eat less myself and be thankful I had parents that wanted to spend time with me. That's something that not everyone has, by the way.

 

:001_smile:

 

Have not read through the many pages, but I agree here.

 

I would not invite my parents over without being able to provide them with dinner. If they dropped by, I would find some way to provide it. There have been times, in the early years, where I said "we don't have money" and they surprised us with dinner, groceries, misc supplies to help us! I do not include parents in the normal "social skills" category.

 

And honestly, if it were "just a friend" with this behavior, I would find a way to feed them too. I assume that if they are acting like this, they have some reason for it - need the companionship, low on funds themselves, etc.

[Impish]

Let me say, I envy those who have a positive, uncomplicated relationship with their parents.

 

For me, no, I wouldn't have felt guilty, nor invited them to stay. I used to live close enough for my parents to visit, (10 min drive, vs across country now) and lets say that the distance btwn us was a major enhancement of my decision to move as a single parent. When they would stop by, back in the day, I wouldn't even invite them in the house, but take them to the park instead. This was after a multitude of visits where nothing was ever nice enough, clean enough, good enough, etc etc etc. I literally quit letting them in the door. Who needs that kind of grief every.single.time?

[Peela]

I think you are all a bunch of wonderfully generous people. I would have felt put out, myself, I think. However, I live a long way from my parents and when I do see them, every couple of years for a couple of days, I am all out to do anything for them. But if I saw them often and they dropped in and expected a meal, I would feel it was as rude as anyone else who did that without being up front about it. But I guess we are just not on those sort of terms.

I dont think my family would do that, though, and nor would dh's. They would bring food for starters, and they would offer to buy take away...they wouldnt just expect to be fed.

My brother and his wife visited recently and although I wanted to cook for them I was exhausted from sightseeing with them all day...they bought us all take away.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If I felt like they would not like my menu, I would have responded to my child who asked, "Well, that depends on if Grandma and Grandpa are in the mood for chicken nuggets." Then the ball would be back in their court. They could choose to accept or they could choose to take you all out or they could choose to leave!

 

Of course if you were really brave (and a bit presumptious:D) you could respond to your child, "Well, we don't have enough for guests, but if Grandma and Grandpa wanted to take us all out, we could have supper with them!"

[jujsky]

For someone to come by in the afternoon to visit, then sit there in the living room until 5:30 obviously waiting for a spur of the moment invite to stay for dinner? These people know we normally eat at 5:30/6:00. Then when one of the children asks one of them, "are you staying for dinner?" (grrrrr) They reply "I don't know." That's where the "obviously" part comes in.

 

Okay, after you've answered whether the above is rude or not, what if I told you they were my parents? Would that change your opinion? Because I personally think it's rude to assume you'll be invited to stay for dinner when they haven't received an invite beforehand. It was clear that when they wanted to "stop by" it would only be for the afternoon. This frustrates me to no end. It's not the first time either. So, I didn't ask them to stay because honestly I did not have enough food in my fridge to make extra. I waited until they left to start dinner because I thought it would be rude to start it while they were still there. Ugh. I feel guilty but then I think I shouldn't, because they were the rude ones. And then of course, it was rude of my child to ask them that too I think.

 

My IL's do that too sometimes, and I also find it rude and annoying.