MariannNOVA Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I don't think I am angry --annoyed, I guess. I will try to explain clearly. Our family had begun to be friendly with a family who also has 9 yr old twins who attend the private school that our kids did attend. Very nice family....kids get along well, except their twin boy (9) will whine and throw a tantrum when something does not go his way and the family will capitulate. That is NOT happening at our house. We have had dinners in each other's homes, and the husbands and boys have had day long fishing trips -- there is always an episode of something that their son doesn't like, followed by his tantrum and then one or both parents giving their son his way. About a month ago, the couple invited our three for a sleepover on dh's and my anniversary so we could go out for dinner.....truly, it was not important for either of us to go out to dinner, I would have been just as happy with take out Chinese, but the kids did want the sleepover so we arranged it (and have now firmly firmly firmly reminded myself why I will NOT allow sleepovers ever again). About a week after the sleepover, I get a phone call from the mom -- she is apologizing profusely that she is only making the call b/c she has to, she is clearly uncomfortable, says she is uncomfortable, says she does not want to be petty and difficult. I assure her that she should just go ahead with the reason why she called. She tells me that her son is missing a Lego man and a toy car, and her son tells her that our son has taken them. She says she has had her son look for the toys (timeframe for looking is fuzzy), and he assures her he cannot find them and he knows that our son has taken them. I guess it is the LEAP from 'I cannot find them' to 'so-and-so took them' that has a big gap for me. She goes on to tell me that when the kids were leaving she saw a toy (from their house) in our son's suitcase, and she (without asking him anything about it) told him that the toy belonged to them and he should not take it home, and she removed it from the suitcase. She continues to apologize for how awful she feels to have to make this phone call, but says that she would want to know if the situation were reversed. I ask DS right then and there if he knows where lego man and the car are from the boy's house, and while she holds on the phone, ds tells me the bin in which the items were placed when all the kids cleaned up. I tell her, and I add that DH and I will speak to our son about the suitcase incident later, DS has provided BIN info for her, and I will get back to her...they are getting ready to leave on vacation, and we are getting ready to start school, but I will get back to her. We speak to DS -- he tells us about the toy in the suitcase: he and the dd9 were playing with it....they had to clean up.....she tells him to take it home b/c their mom is going to sell it at their garage sale (all true BTW - garage sale stuff)...she assures him it is fine to take it...in fact, he says that she puts it in the suitcase. We explain poor judgement and all the collateral issues -- we are happy that is solved - we do ask why he didn't tell the mom THAT when she found the toy, he says she didn't give him a chance. LEGO MAN and CAR and other toys clean up scenario: ds repeats they all cleaned up, he put those in the boy's bins where toys are kept. Mom did tell me on the phone that the toys have been taken out and thrown all over the place SINCE my kids have visited - so there have been other play events not involving my children - in the interim. DH and I continue the discussion with him, and both of us are convinced he is telling the truth -- dh then tells me later of an incident (that DH witnessed) with a fishing lure on a one of the fishing trips, that is decidedly similar and the other boy had the lure in his own pocket, had accused our son, and the dad decided that the their son had 'resolved' the issue by taking what was rightfully his (?????) -- my husband had purchased the lure in question, in fact. I told dh in no nonsense terms that he had business to tell me about this because all contact would have ended THEN. Last night I get an email -- they have returned from vacation -- very chatty -- last paragraph is about not wanting to be petty and difficult, have we asked our son about the lego man and the car. I answer all of the chattiness and respond that we indeed spoke to him immediately following her phone and a couple of times after that, and his recounting is unwavering and he maintains the toys were placed in their respective bins. I also include the info about her daughter telling our son to take the toy, she put it in the suitcase and add that we have discussed with all three kids that better judgement should be used the next time. I tell her that if she has a suggestion about where to go next with this, she should share it. I do not say but it is obvious that we believe our son, and they believe theirs - completely understandable. Email this morning, doesn't respond to anything I have asked about their vacation or anything else, just says that her suggestion then is to ask our son specifically into which bins the toys were placed so she can go back and look carefully - :toetap05:. My question: shouldn't you have looked carefully BEFORE you made the phone call implicating my son? Also, I remember that I handled that while she was still on the phone with me when she first called. DS has again provided me the specific information regarding 'which' bin and I will provide it to her again later -- when I am good and ready. I decided last night that this is a pain in the you know where, and I hope the LEGO MAN and CAR are of museum quality and priceless to her, b/c no playdate/acquaintance or dinner out with DH is worth dragging this out to the nth degree. DH says to just go get a Toys R US gift card for like $20.00, tell her in which bin the items were placed and mail the gift card. I replied that I WILL NOT! Let me answer these questions in advance: No, the friendship/relationship is not important to me or to DH -- I can let it go b/c in my mind, the issue was answered to the extent that it is able to be answered, and at this point, I do think it is petty, and I do think she is bordering on being difficult. Is there a point of view I am missing? TIA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 :grouphug: How awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Um.... all this drama over a little piece of plastic? No. No more explanations, examinations, apologies. No more questioning your son, he doesn't need a guilt complex over this. Definitely no gift card. No more beating around the bush. Next thing you say should be, albeit very sweetly, "We are offended that you are continuing to accuse my son. I consider our involvement in this issue complete and I will not be discussing it with you further." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 (edited) DH says to just go get a Toys R US gift card for like $20.00, tell her in which bin the items were placed and mail the gift card. I replied that I WILL NOT! I do think it is petty, and I do think she is bordering on being difficult. Is there a point of view I am missing? TIA Yes, it's petty. Yes, she's difficult. Yes, their son sounds like a kid headed for bigger trouble in the future (maybe). With all of that said though, I would do what your dh said, and get a gift card. I would mail it to her along with a *very* *very* gently and tactfully worded note explaining your concerns. If you're not sure after your first draft if it's polite/kind/gentle enough, then go back and write it again until you're *sure* it's gracious and tactful. Then have your dh read it to make sure! After that, I'd be polite and kind, but busy. Edited August 26, 2009 by Julie in CA typo...ugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 run, just run! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 No way in heck would I get them a gift card. Your child didn't take the items, a lego man and car isn't worth $20, forget it. Sorry, I find it ridiculous that she's still going on about it. You'd already given her the info the first go 'round. I'd take what AuntieM said, copy and paste it in an email, and wash your hands of the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fivetails Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 She's way overdoing this. It's a lego man & a little car, for heaven's sake, and there have been other kids there playing, messes made, etc, in the meantime. Those little things could be *anywhere* by now... I don't know why she seems to consider it a big enough issue to possibly wreck a friendship... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Um.... all this drama over a little piece of plastic? No. No more explanations, examinations, apologies. No more questioning your son, he doesn't need a guilt complex over this. Definitely no gift card. No more beating around the bush. Next thing you say should be, albeit very sweetly, "We are offended that you are continuing to accuse my son. I consider our involvement in this issue complete and I will not be discussing it with you further." :iagree: This has gone on long enough. Their son probably left them somewhere or whatever and does not want to admit it. That is not your problem nor should you have to pay for it. Especially in light of the other incident I would walk away before the kids get older and have more expensive things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Yes, it's petty. Yes, she's difficult. Yes, their son sounds like a kid headed for bigger trouble in the future (maybe). With all of that said though, I would do what you dh said, and get a gift card. I would mail it to her along with a *very* *very* gently and tactfully worded note explaining your concerns. If you're not sure after your first draft if it's polite/kind/gentle enough, then go back and write it again until you're *sure* it's gracious and tactful. Then have your dh read it to make sure! After that, I'd be polite and kind, but busy. Can I ask you and OP a question? (Really, I am trying to understand the logic here...). Why a TWENTY DOLLAR gift card? I admit my reaction may be harsh, and I really do appreciate you exhortation to be kind, Julie, it probably is the better way to go, but.... why the payoff? That takes it from accusation to extortion, from my point of view. Is the amount based on fourfold restitution or something? Honestly, I am trying to understand. I don't see why a $5 card woudn't be sufficient, if OP feels a payment is truly required. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 (edited) I am a little confused about the suitcase thing, I admit the story is quite complex, and I did my best to read carefully. I do think the other mom is convinced that her son is telling the truth, as I think most moms tend to believe their own children over other people's children. We had a lot of experience with a perpetually lying son, and it was very frustrating. I remember one time, Aaron produced tears, swearing over and over again that something was true. I had proof to the contrary, and he finally admitted that he had lied so much he had just gotten so good at it. Just the other day, he told me that one time when he was younger, I restricted him from eating dessert (he always failed to brush his teeth, and this was the consequence). I had found out he was sneaking it because I noticed the peppermint bark was dwindling away, so I counted it. I had caught him sneaking it because fewer pieces were in the bag. So, he started breaking the pieces in half and eating the other half so that if I were to count them again, no pieces would be missing. John had no idea Aaron lied a lot when I met him (I'm the step-mom). He lied about homework, tests, chores, everything. So, some kids are very clever, sneaky and good at lying. Sometimes it's even your own child (gasp). So, I don't think the mom is trying to be petty; I think she truly believes your child is a thief, and she thinks that should concern you. Edited August 26, 2009 by nestof3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I agree with Julie. Be gentle and sympathetic. Send the gift card, but let the friend know that her persistence in accusing your son has spoiled the friendship, permanently, and it cannot be repaired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 At this point, I think your only option is to tell this woman, in no uncertain terms of your absolute belief and stand beside your son and his integrity. Tell her exactly where your son said the lego was and that, as far as you are concerned, the situation is over and you don't want to hear anymore because you believe your son. Honestly, you're probably in for more of the same if this isn't the first instance you've dealt with this. I think it's important for your son, also, that you don't entertain anymore questions about something that you believe him on already. Teresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Yes, it's petty. Yes, she's difficult. Yes, their son sounds like a kid headed for bigger trouble in the future (maybe). With all of that said though, I would do what you dh said, and get a gift card. I would mail it to her along with a *very* *very* gently and tactfully worded note explaining your concerns. If you're not sure after your first draft if it's polite/kind/gentle enough, then go back and write it again until you're *sure* it's gracious and tactful. Then have your dh read it to make sure! After that, I'd be polite and kind, but busy. :iagree:But, I probably wouldn't be all that polite. :D I would go ahead and mail a gift card and then promptly consider that whole friendship over. I'm sure it could have been saved if the lady would have just accepted your response to her the first time, but the fact that she continues to harp on it . . . well I don't think things will ever be the same anyway. Why torture yourselves. When little boys play with little toys, things get lost. My son still loses Legos from time to time and he's 16. It has been happening since the beginning of time and her precious angel is no exception. I can't believe she insists on laying blame on your son. What a disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I would stick with your plan and fade from this family's life. I would not send a gift card if I was convinced my child had not taken the toys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 (edited) Can I ask you and OP a question? (Really, I am trying to understand the logic here...). Why a TWENTY DOLLAR gift card? I admit my reaction may be harsh, and I really do appreciate you exhortation to be kind, Julie, it probably is the better way to go, but.... why the payoff? That takes it from accusation to extortion, from my point of view. Is the amount based on fourfold restitution or something? Honestly, I am trying to understand. I don't see why a $5 card woudn't be sufficient, if OP feels a payment is truly required. Why $20? Well, only because that's the amount the dh suggested, and presumably if he suggested it, that amount would not be a problem to their household finances. Personally, I'd probably do $15 (enough to buy another Lego set). It seems a small price to pay for knowing that you're beyond fault, taking the high road, being the "bigger" person, etc, etc (imo), but I'm into that kind of thing. ;) Edited August 26, 2009 by Julie in CA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillary in KS Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I would go ahead and mail a gift card and then promptly consider that whole friendship over. I'm sure it could have been saved if the lady would have just accepted your response to her the first time, but the fact that she continues to harp on it . . . well I don't think things will ever be the same anyway. Why torture yourselves. When little boys play with little toys, things get lost. My son still loses Legos from time to time and he's 16. It has been happening since the beginning of time and her precious angel is no exception. I can't believe she insists on laying blame on your son. What a disaster. :iagree: Send the gift card and a polite but firm note, and be done with it. If you're ever around that child and his family I might playfully pat my children down before leaving, but otherwise be done with discussing this issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I really don't get why they should get paid via a gift card for repeatedly accusing your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 (edited) I think this whole drama has gone way, way too far. My kids have regular sleepovers. As a result, most of their guests have left toys and clothes in our home. I beg parents not to send their kids with anything more than a change of undies and a toothbrush. Still, the problem persists. There is a fortune in toys, clothes, electronics and "you name it" littering my kids rooms. Most of my efforts to return the items have been thwarted by the parents' complete lack of interest. Further, some of my son's pals are horrifically destructive. The average damage of certain kids runs to about 50 bucks a sleepover. When they come over, I brace for it. It's inevitable. If I wasn't willing to accept it, I wouldn't invite them. Mess, breakage and minor property loss is part and parcel to sleepovers. This woman is willing to generate this much drama over a Lego man and a toy car? What color is the sky on her planet? It's nonsense. It does sound like she has a problem with her own son, and would rather project the problem on your child than simply deal with it. If I were you, I'd mail that gift certificate and refuse to discuss the matter any more - ever. She's already placed these inexpensive toys and scoring a petty point over the relationship between the two families. Fine. Give her money, then insist the matter be dropped - permanently. I definitely would not permit any more sleepovers. I have absolutely no time or energy in my life for drama of any kind. My life has enough real challenges without a relationship with someone who manufactures "burning issues" out of next to nothing. Last year my son was diagnosed with a serious medical condition. Treating his condition and educating my kids absorbed all my being. At that time a severely drama-addicted acquaintance of mine started to hassle me more than ever before. I backed away from the relationship, and found instant relief. What a revelation! I no longer put up with drama. (Period. Full stop!) My son's health has improved. He's all but cured. As a bonus from that stressful period in our lives, I've learned not to allow the world's drama queens to run me ragged. Just say "No!" It really works. Edited August 26, 2009 by Elizabeth Conley to correct a grievous, horrifying misuse of an apostrophe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvmy4blessings Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 This is totally ridiculous. Any person who would go to this length over a lego man and a car is not someone you want to be assoicated with or leave your children alone with. I also don't see why your son should apologize over putting it in his suitcase when the daughter was the one that told him to take it and put it in there. I also don't see where you son could have used better judgement. They told him to take it. He didn't even put it in his suitcase, the daughter did. To be perfectly honest, I think there is something wrong with this woman :001_huh: I can honestly tell you that even if I THOUGHT someone had taken one of my kids toys (and btw, I have had this happen to me) I would never address it. If I truly believed that someone's child was stealing toys from our house (and again I have had this actually happen with one kid who was doing it obvioulsy and more than once)...I simply would not set any more playdates. I would not waste my time confronting them over a toy that is probably worth 5 bucks. How petty. I can see where your husband wants to do the gift card route just to get it over with. I would probably do the same thing to be honest. Look at it as a turn the other cheek scenario and taking the high road. Whether you do the gift card or not, I would seriously wipe my hands of these people. Their behavior is clearly just a symptom of a much larger problem. The wonderful thing about homeschooling is that you don't have to put up with things like this. You can pick and choose who your children hang out with. Anyone who would harass you over a lego man and a lego car needs to be evaluated by a professional. I would not confront them though or tell them you feel this way. It would not make a difference. You cannot reason with a crazy person. I would follow dh's advice, smile, and pretend all is fine. Then I would become perpetually busy and unable to make it for playdates anymore and start screening my calls :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 Can I ask you and OP a question? (Really, I am trying to understand the logic here...). Why a TWENTY DOLLAR gift card? I admit my reaction may be harsh, and I really do appreciate you exhortation to be kind, Julie, it probably is the better way to go, but.... why the payoff? That takes it from accusation to extortion, from my point of view. Is the amount based on fourfold restitution or something? Honestly, I am trying to understand. I don't see why a $5 card woudn't be sufficient, if OP feels a payment is truly required. I'll jump back in -- dh came up with the number off the top of his head -- he could have easily suggested .25 or $100. -- he was just pulling a number out of the air to show how ridiculous he thought the whole thing was. I am not inclined to give anyone anything -- I do believe my son -- I have questioned my girls - all the kids cleaned up together -- Restitution? perhaps if something had been broken. IF something had been taken by my son -- well, after H*LL had been paid, we'd go on to the next step -- BUT that is not the case here. I don't see that a card in any amount is appropriate - I think that DH was making a point of how ridiculous this whole thing is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I'll jump back in -- dh came up with the number off the top of his head -- he could have easily suggested .25 or $100. -- he was just pulling a number out of the air to show how ridiculous he thought the whole thing was. I am not inclined to give anyone anything -- I do believe my son -- I have questioned my girls - all the kids cleaned up together -- Restitution? perhaps if something had been broken. IF something had been taken by my son -- well, after H*LL had been paid, we'd go on to the next step -- BUT that is not the case here. I don't see that a card in any amount is appropriate - I think that DH was making a point of how ridiculous this whole thing is. Very well, then, I stick with my original reply. No. Say NO to extortion! Just say it nicely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I really don't get why they should get paid via a gift card for repeatedly accusing your son. Chuckle! Giving them the money isn't about rewarding their bad behavior. It's about trading something of finite value, (a mere 20 bucks), for something of infinite value, her time, energy and peace of mind. The crazy-makers of the world steal our energy, time and peace of mind with their never-ending, pointless dramas. It's cheaper to throw them a bone and break contact than it is to engage with them. If the OP gives this woman 20 bucks to drop it, then avoids situations where problems are likely to crop up again, then she wins. At least, she scores as close to a win as it's possible to achieve in these situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HollyinNNV Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Send her a note explaining where the items are located. Then discontinue the friendship. No more play dates. Any family willing to enable their child's dramatics is not a family I'd be willing to deal with further. And, I strongly encourage you to forego the gift card. Giving the money is like admitting your child took the toys. ETA: And I agree with Auntie M. It is extortion-but voluntary extortion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 So, some kids are very clever, sneaky and good at lying. Sometimes it's even your own child (gasp). So, I don't think the mom is trying to be petty; I think she truly believes your child is a thief, and she thinks that should concern you. Your point is well made -- I have two older children - 30 yrs old and 29 years old -- and yes, some kids are incredibly clever, sneaky and good, and some parents are incredibly gullible. I guess that the short answer to this entire situation is that the other mom and I will agree to disagree -- she apparently does think that my child is a thief....I do not think that he has taken anything that does not belong to him. As far as I am concerned, the friendship/acquaintance will not be pursued by me, and efforts on the other family's part will be rebuffed. I would have tread a tad more carefully before going down the path that this mom selected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 This is totally ridiculous. Any person who would go to this length over a lego man and a car is not someone you want to be assoicated with or leave your children alone with... ...I can see where your husband wants to do the gift card route just to get it over with. I would probably do the same thing to be honest. Look at it as a turn the other cheek scenario and taking the high road. Whether you do the gift card or not, I would seriously wipe my hands of these people. Their behavior is clearly just a symptom of a much larger problem. The wonderful thing about homeschooling is that you don't have to put up with things like this. You can pick and choose who your children hang out with. Anyone who would harass you over a lego man and a lego car needs to be evaluated by a professional. I would not confront them though or tell them you feel this way. It would not make a difference. You cannot reason with a crazy person. I would follow dh's advice, smile, and pretend all is fine. Then I would become perpetually busy and unable to make it for playdates anymore and start screening my calls :tongue_smilie: :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Since your dh has seen this other boy lie about a similar incident, I'd put more weight in your ds's version of the incident. I wouldn't give this family $20 or any more of my mental energy. Just break off contact and chalk it up to a lesson learned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WiseOwlKnits Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I wouldn't give a gift card. I'd explain one more time where it was and cut off contact. But, to me, giving a gift card is an admittance of guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Unless the little boy is claiming that he saw your son put it in his pocket than there is no proof. If your son has a good record of being honest with you.....not that there isn't a first time for lying......then I would believe him. If you give the gift card and the other kid is lying and the lego man turns up later, he sure as heck won't tell his mom (who probably doesn't even know which one it is) but he will learn that accusing someone gets him a gift card, even if he isn't sure. What's to stop him from blaming the next kid who comes to play. Ruby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Chuckle! Giving them the money isn't about rewarding their bad behavior. It's about trading something of finite value, (a mere 20 bucks), for something of infinite value, her time, energy and peace of mind. The crazy-makers of the world steal our energy, time and peace of mind with their never-ending, pointless dramas. It's cheaper to throw them a bone and break contact than it is to engage with them. If the OP gives this woman 20 bucks to drop it, then avoids situations where problems are likely to crop up again, then she wins. At least, she scores as close to a win as it's possible to achieve in these situations. I've dealt with similar personalities, and sending a $20 gift card wouldn't be a 'drop it and leave it alone' but rather an admission of guilt. I could see MORE issues cropping up if a gift card is sent, rather than it ending the situation. Just walk away. No gift card. You don't need to pay someone to take the high road, just take it. Refuse to get into it anymore, and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 I think this whole drama has gone way, way too far. I definitely would not permit any more sleepovers. I have absolutely no time or energy in my life for drama of any kind. My life has enough real challenges without a relationship with someone who manufactures "burning issues" out of next to nothing. I no longer put up with drama. (Period. Full stop!) I've learned not to allow the world's drama queens to run me ragged. Just say "No!" It really works. Elizabeth: Thanks for writing - About 6 months ago I was hit with news from one of my older daughters that knocked me off my feet -- it involved a memory that she had recovered - 'nuff said. I HEAR YOU! For months, it was all I could do to open my eyes every morning, put my feet on the floor and go to school (I was a classroom teacher) and teach, and then come home and take care of my three children. I have purposely kept distance with others precisely because I do not wish to deal with the drama and I do not have the energy, time or patience to deal with another's drama. You have graciously :) reminded me why that was the posture I had chosen and why I am returning quite happily to that position. Bless you (and I mean this with all graciousness and gratefulness). :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 John had no idea Aaron lied a lot when I met him (I'm the step-mom). He lied about homework, tests, chores, everything. It's interesting that you say this. I encountered a child who lied with such regularity and overdone drama that I thought it was obvious to one and all. To my astonishment, it turned out his own family didn't know the kid was keeping them in a perpetual tailspin with his outlandish antics. It was a tad creepy after I realized they had no clue. (How was that possible? It blew my mind.) Apparently it happens, but I think it's rare. Most parents know their own kids better than that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 ...For months, it was all I could do to open my eyes every morning, put my feet on the floor and go... I'm sorry you went through that, because I definitely have been there. On the other hand, we're both the wiser for the experience. It's given you the proper perspective on this drama. You'll be able to put this behind you in no time flat! ;) Blessings, Elizabeth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Well, I have a child who had a perfect track record for years. I never would have believed anyone who told me that she had taken something or done anything devious. However, my pride came back to bite me in the backside when a neighbor very politely came to address an issue. My husband spoke with the neighbor. I was glad he did because I would have been incredulous that my child would never had done what they were accusing them of doing! Turns out that said child had done it. :001_huh: When kids play together, things get misplaced. I think we assume some sort of risk when we allow our kids to play with another's things. I do think the other mom is making a mountain out of a molehill. However, if I were in your shoes, I would offer a small gift card (maybe $5 or $10) without admission of guilt. I would explain that I understand the items are missing and that I would like to offer to replace them. I would add that I have spoken at length with my son and while he maintains that he did not take the items from their home that I had explained to him that we need to be willing to accept responsibility and go the extra mile when there is any chance that our actions result in something being missing. I would probably also hesitate to continue in maintaining the relationship but I'd want to be the "bigger person." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 (edited) I would probably say something like, "I have already answered your questions and addressed this issue with my child. My son did not take the toys and doesn't have them." (I'm assuming you have already searched for the items in your own home and are positive you don't have them.) And then I would refuse to discuss it further, and I would limit contact with the family. FWIW, I don't see how sending a gift card is taking the high road--or rather why NOT sending a gift card would somehow be taking the low road. Whether you intend it that way or not, it would have the effect of rewarding a false accusation. Edited August 26, 2009 by WordGirl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Definitely no gift card. No more beating around the bush. Next thing you say should be, albeit very sweetly, "We are offended that you are continuing to accuse my son. I consider our involvement in this issue complete and I will not be discussing it with you further." :iagree: This is perfectly worded. She even told you that her kids have played with the toys since, and had them scattered all over the floor. Obviously it won't do you any good to tell her "exactly which bin the toys were in." Don't question your son any more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 :grouphug: I agree with the other posters--this is crazy. I was in a similar situation once. Someone I considered a close friend accused my dd of trying to "steal" her own dds' birthday party. My dd's birthday comes before her dds'. Apparently my dd was trying to "steal" her dds' birthday party because we had the same idea (pool party). Her accusations were unbelievably cutting and demeaning, and right out of a clear blue sky. It was hard for me to believe that someone I cared for so dearly could be so mean with her words to us. Dd had absolutely NOT tried to steal their thunder and felt just awful about the whole thing. It never ended, either. It went on and on and on, more than a year, with increasingly hysterical accusations and recriminations. She went on to accuse me of many things, none of which were true. I can honestly say I never, ever responded in kind. I tried to answer her suspicious questions and learned that my answers only gave her fodder for more accusations. I cried many nights over this. The drama only stopped when I stopped responding to her attempts to contact me. It was horribly, bitterly painful and continues to be so for me. All of this to say the only thing you can do here is to disengage. This just is not and never has been worth all this effort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Wow. I don't think I'd continue a close relationship with these people. Too much drama. It's a lego toy! They're small and easily lost. And to expect a guest in your home to remember exactly where he put away your toys is a little absurd. But none of that matters because this boy seems to be a spoiled brat and I wouldn't want to deal with his drama or inflict it on my children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I see nothing wrong with her asking the first time. If her son has stolen in the past, then she knows how easy it can happen. I think once something happens to a person, they are more likely to see that it is possible for it to happen to anyone. Especially if she already thinks she had caught your ds stealing, it would be very easy for her to assume he had done it again. After hearing the lure story, probably won't trust her son yourself. If her son's story is true, and the toy had disappeared, and your son had taken it, I assume you would want to know, there was no harm in her asking the first time. The repeat requests, were annoying. We have been on the other side of this problem too many times. We have had money and toys stolen by young children in our home. There have been times that I was the mom making the phone call, and most of the time, the item was discovered in the other child's possession, other times the missing item never showed back up. We know where the missing toys went because we were told by other kids who saw the offender with the items. I remember one time that I had a weird interchange with dh. I had placed a pair of his pants on a table in our room. 5 minutes later, he came and asked me for them. I told them where they were but he insisted they weren't there. I was convinced he had moved them and just didn't remember, and I told him this. He was getting really irritated with me because he knew he didn't move them, and I knew I hadn't. He thought I had misplaced them, and was accusing him. The next day, I found the pants in ds14s room; he saw them, thought they were his, and put them on his shelf:blush:. After the situation with my dh, it became very clear to me how two people can be very convinced about two sides of an issue, but both be very wrong. With her insistence, and her son's previous behaviors, I would guess that he is throwing fits over the toys, and that is why she continues to contact you. I guess you have to decide if you want to try to get past this or not. You can send her an email saying: "I understand how you view this situation, but I have checked with ds and he doesn't have the toys. I am sorry that you are convinced he does. Due to the 3 unfortunate situations (Lure, toy in suitcase, and this episode) and ensuing lack of trust between the boys, I feel like we should take a break from having them together. While I am absolutely certain he didn't take the toys, I will pay for you to replace them, just to to clear our family name. Let me know the value, and I will send you payment. (your name) " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadiegirl Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I think the situation is ridiculous! I am the type of person that wants to defend those that are wrongly blamed and try to right the situation. My first instinct would be to offer the gift card(not for $20 but lesser amount) but then I started thinking about how that doesn't seem right if your child was not guilty. I am amazed that a mom is making such a big deal over a toy. I think that is a bigger problem for her to overcome! It's really a sad story and I am sorry that you and your child had to experience it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I really don't get why they should get paid via a gift card for repeatedly accusing your son. :iagree: It's like admitting your son is at fault. That is how I would take it, if I was on the recieving end of the gift card. I would think of it as a pay off with no apology. If you believe your son to be innocent, do not send the gift card, just MHO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 :iagree: It's like admitting your son is at fault. That is how I would take it, if I was on the recieving end of the gift card. Really? Even if it came with a politely worded note explaining the person's position? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loupelou Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Seriously....way too much drama. Your son does not need a friend of that "caliber" in his life. No way would I send a gift card, that's more like an admission of guilt to someone like this "friend". You need to end it now or it will just drag on forever. Sorry...:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 (edited) I don't see that a card in any amount is appropriate - I think that DH was making a point of how ridiculous this whole thing is. I agree with you. I wouldn't send anything, because it might appear that deep down I didn't believe my child and I was trying to solve something that was my family's fault. I agree with the turn the other cheek mentality, but I just don't know about the gift card idea. I do understand the heart behind it, though. I guess I've dealt with a friendship issue where the family sided with their son against my son when my son was the honest one and was proven honest repeatedly. ANYTHING I would have done that appeared that I was siding with that family would have hurt ds. Edited August 30, 2009 by Texas T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 I would probably say something like, "I have already answered your questions and addressed this issue with my child. My son did not take the toys and doesn't have them." (I'm assuming you have already searched for the items in your own home and are positive you don't have them.) And then I would refuse to discuss it further, and I would limit contact with the family. FWIW, I don't see how sending a gift card is taking the high road--or rather why NOT sending a gift card would somehow be taking the low road. Whether you intend it that way or not, it would have the effect of rewarding a false accusation. Yes, I did look for the items -- I probably looked more carefully for them in my own home than it appears the other mom looked in hers (by her own admission). I will not send a gift card - I have not even decided if it looks like an admission of guilt (but I am leaning towards thinking that it indeed does), or if it makes me the bigger person.....if the roles were reversed, I would have handled it differently, and b/c of this, the gift card will not even be considered by me. DH suggested it b/c I think I think that in his head, it was a way of illustrating how insignificant this whole thing is to him -- to accuse someone's child of stealing when you haven't even taken the time to carefully look for the items in question. And, yes, FWIW, there will not be any contact -- if you read my post to Elizabeth Conley, I do not have the time, energy, patience or wherewithal for this type of petty drama in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I see nothing wrong with her asking the first time. If her son has stolen in the past, then she knows how easy it can happen. I think once something happens to a person, they are more likely to see that it is possible for it to happen to anyone. Especially if she already thinks she had caught your ds stealing, it would be very easy for her to assume he had done it again. After hearing the lure story, probably won't trust her son yourself. If her son's story is true, and the toy had disappeared, and your son had taken it, I assume you would want to know, there was no harm in her asking the first time. The repeat requests, were annoying. We have been on the other side of this problem too many times. We have had money and toys stolen by young children in our home. There have been times that I was the mom making the phone call, and most of the time, the item was discovered in the other child's possession, other times the missing item never showed back up. We know where the missing toys went because we were told by other kids who saw the offender with the items. I remember one time that I had a weird interchange with dh. I had placed a pair of his pants on a table in our room. 5 minutes later, he came and asked me for them. I told them where they were but he insisted they weren't there. I was convinced he had moved them and just didn't remember, and I told him this. He was getting really irritated with me because he knew he didn't move them, and I knew I hadn't. He thought I had misplaced them, and was accusing him. The next day, I found the pants in ds14s room; he saw them, thought they were his, and put them on his shelf:blush:. After the situation with my dh, it became very clear to me how two people can be very convinced about two sides of an issue, but both be very wrong. With her insistence, and her son's previous behaviors, I would guess that he is throwing fits over the toys, and that is why she continues to contact you. I guess you have to decide if you want to try to get past this or not. You can send her an email saying: "I understand how you view this situation, but I have checked with ds and he doesn't have the toys. I am sorry that you are convinced he does. Due to the 3 unfortunate situations (Lure, toy in suitcase, and this episode) and ensuing lack of trust between the boys, I feel like we should take a break from having them together. While I am absolutely certain he didn't take the toys, I will pay for you to replace them, just to to clear our family name. Let me know the value, and I will send you payment. (your name) " I agree totally. I can picture that the other mom is home with her son and he's complaining because it was his favorite toy, etc. I've heard it from my own dramatic son, so I can imagine what she's hearing and she probably thinks she's just standing up for her son. It sounds like except for this one child, that you guys have done quite a bit together and get along fairly well, would it be tough to just end the relationship? If you do end it, I'd just try to keep on friendly terms. Alison Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillary in KS Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I see nothing wrong with her asking the first time. If her son has stolen in the past, then she knows how easy it can happen. I think once something happens to a person, they are more likely to see that it is possible for it to happen to anyone. Especially if she already thinks she had caught your ds stealing, it would be very easy for her to assume he had done it again. After hearing the lure story, probably won't trust her son yourself. If her son's story is true, and the toy had disappeared, and your son had taken it, I assume you would want to know, there was no harm in her asking the first time. The repeat requests, were annoying. We have been on the other side of this problem too many times. We have had money and toys stolen by young children in our home. There have been times that I was the mom making the phone call, and most of the time, the item was discovered in the other child's possession, other times the missing item never showed back up. We know where the missing toys went because we were told by other kids who saw the offender with the items. I remember one time that I had a weird interchange with dh. I had placed a pair of his pants on a table in our room. 5 minutes later, he came and asked me for them. I told them where they were but he insisted they weren't there. I was convinced he had moved them and just didn't remember, and I told him this. He was getting really irritated with me because he knew he didn't move them, and I knew I hadn't. He thought I had misplaced them, and was accusing him. The next day, I found the pants in ds14s room; he saw them, thought they were his, and put them on his shelf:blush:. After the situation with my dh, it became very clear to me how two people can be very convinced about two sides of an issue, but both be very wrong. With her insistence, and her son's previous behaviors, I would guess that he is throwing fits over the toys, and that is why she continues to contact you. I guess you have to decide if you want to try to get past this or not. You can send her an email saying: "I understand how you view this situation, but I have checked with ds and he doesn't have the toys. I am sorry that you are convinced he does. Due to the 3 unfortunate situations (Lure, toy in suitcase, and this episode) and ensuing lack of trust between the boys, I feel like we should take a break from having them together. While I am absolutely certain he didn't take the toys, I will pay for you to replace them, just to to clear our family name. Let me know the value, and I will send you payment. (your name) " :iagree: Excellent post, and excellent advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 We had Legos for many years. (we still do but I am not sure where). Are we talking about the same things? Lego men are very small. They can be very easily lost. I am not sure about a Lego car since it has been so long since I was buying these things but most kids that have Legos have tons of them. It is hard to keep track of individual pieces and I know when we'd be moving, we were always finding some Legos after the movers moved everything out. I think I might send a 5 dollar Lego card with the note stating no culpability. WIth the mom refusing to let things go, she might decide to take you to small claims court over this. It sounds too stupid to even ask about a dumb Lego man so I wouldn't count that option out for her. If something minor like that happened to one of my kids, I would think they lost it. If I knew them to be super careful, I would replace it myself and not invite kids back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swimmermom3 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 (edited) Oh never mind. I type too darn slow! I'm sorry you are going through this. Edited August 26, 2009 by swimmermom3 It's all been said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Really? Even if it came with a politely worded note explaining the person's position? You're assuming that the recipient would view the situation in a rational, reasonable manner and wouldn't read something more into it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 That's what I tried to say, but my post didn't go through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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