single moms who homeschool?? what do I need to know?

[Tess in the Burbs]

My husband confessed an affair and has left me and the kids. He suggested 'paying me for homeschool services'. Um, don't think so. I was out of town with the kids visiting family(his insisted I go without him...) and he was unavailable all week and finally confessed...guilt got him.

 

 

I do want to homeschool!

 

I probably will have to figure out a career plan and such for the future. I can do anything...so what is the ideal situation?? how do I pull this off? He's very homeschool supportive....so what do I need to know?

 

ps: praying people...I could use your prayers!

[OnTheBrink]

My husband confessed an affair and has left me and the kids. He suggested 'paying me for homeschool services'. Um, don't think so. I was out of town with the kids visiting family(his insisted I go without him...) and he was unavailable all week and finally confessed...guilt got him.

 

 

I do want to homeschool!

 

I probably will have to figure out a career plan and such for the future. I can do anything...so what is the ideal situation?? how do I pull this off? He's very homeschool supportive....so what do I need to know?

 

ps: praying people...I could use your prayers!

 

OMGosh, I'm so very sorry!

 

First of all, get an attorney and get temporary child support and alimony established. Don't change anything about your life right now--don't get a job and don't put the kids in school. If your H wants you to continue homeschooling, can it be part of the separation agreement? I don't know what state you're in, but if your H agrees to pay above the child support for you to homeschool, I'd take it.

 

You must be devastated. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. :grouphug:

[melissel]

Oh Tess. I'm so sorry you're going through all this :grouphug:

[MamaT]

Some others can give you better advice, as I've never personally faced this situation.

 

I just wanted to say how sorry I am and send you a :grouphug:.

[mirth]

You are very strong to be thinking so clearly.

 

I recently attended a talk by Leigh Bortins who founded Classical Conversations. She said she's met are a good number of single moms who homeschool adopting this method and find support through their local CC Community. I don't have much experience with CC, but it can be done with CC.

 

I'm praying for you.

[Hikin' Mama]

never a single homeschooling mom.

 

No advice, but :grouphug:.

[G5052]

It can be done, but a lot depends on your skills, expenses, and local support.

 

A friend of mine has done it for years, but she got the house (very low payment) and has always done afterschool/summer care and cleaned houses in the evening with her kids helping. She has a lot of friends who help.

 

Another friend lives in her parents' basement apartment and works nights and weekends as a nurse. She's also done it for awhile, and her parents help with the kids when she's at work or sleeping.

 

Neither have received much financial support from their ex-DH's.

[prairiegirl]

Tess, I can't help with advice but I can pray. I am so sorry.

[eternalknot]

My husband and I are separated, as are our finances.

 

For a few years, he paid no support. It was a struggle.

 

For the past eight months, he has really stepped up. He now covers the bulk of our living expenses so that I can work minimally (my income pays for all homeschool and extracurriculars, plus groceries for my home). He covers the mortgage, his rent, both cars, all insurances, all utilities, groceries for his home, et cetera. So it's not a "paying for school" situation, but it pretty much allows me to stay home for the majority of the month so I can continue to homeschool.

 

Everything he pays for is in his name (only). I have always preferred that, especially because his history of supporting me is less than stellar. If he stopped paying, they could still come after me since we are legally married ... but psychologically, this is a deterrent (to him) that keeps him from suddenly stopping support. It's not a perfect arrangment, but the risk of him kicking us out is slimmer than the likelihood of his suddenly stopping support again - so this works for us, for now.

 

We have no formal agreement in place, it's just me and him.

 

I'm sorry to hear your family is going through this.

[Chris in CA]

:grouphug:

you've gotten some very good advice, I have nothing to add except a hug

[Catherine]

She has zero support of any kind from her ex-dh. At first, she did tech support for an overseas company, from 6 PM to 2 AM. When she learned this was about to disappear, she went to an intensive RN program that was about 2 years long.

 

She has always arranged the kids materials in advance and then plans to spend about 1 hour per day one one one with each of them. She has three kids. They know they cannot play out side or get out their legos until everything is finished.

 

She has a sister without kids nearby and her father also has been extremely supportive and helpful. She does not own a house, which has proven to be a good decision when she needed to move quickly to another state for the nursing program, then back again for a job and master's program. She'll be a CRNP when she's done and hopes to at least partly pay for their college education.

 

She is amazingly focused and stable. It's not easy but her kids are thriving.

[musicmommy]

My heart just breaks for you and the kids, Tess. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. You are definitely in my prayers. I wish you were closer so I could be of more help.:grouphug:

[Tutor]

I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and your family. :grouphug:

[teamturner]

I will keep you and your dc in my prayers. :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

My husband confessed an affair and has left me and the kids. He suggested 'paying me for homeschool services'. Um, don't think so. I was out of town with the kids visiting family(his insisted I go without him...) and he was unavailable all week and finally confessed...guilt got him.

 

 

I do want to homeschool!

 

I probably will have to figure out a career plan and such for the future. I can do anything...so what is the ideal situation?? how do I pull this off? He's very homeschool supportive....so what do I need to know?

 

ps: praying people...I could use your prayers!

 

Get thyself to a lawyer tomorrow!

 

I'm right there with you. I discovered my husband was in an affair and with my evidence he signed a separation agreement that is very favorable to me. It allows me to continue in our home (he moved out per the agreement) homeschooling our son and the bills being paid. I have precious little to 'live' on, but I"m ok.

 

Do not get a job for now. Don't change anything. Just go see a lawyer.

 

And he can pay you for 'homeschooling services' or childcare services or spousal support. Whatever he calls it, he has a responsibility to you and your kids. Take it. Get it in writing.

 

Hugs. PM if you like.

[Liz CA]

 

Aside from legal issues resulting from this, I hope you have a few good friends who can support you through this ordeal! You should not try to cope in isolation. Accept offers of help and lean on your friends/parents/siblings or whoever will step up.

 

It may also be too soon to give up on the marriage all together. But only you and your h can evaluate this.

[Tess in the Burbs]

He couldn't wait to be off with her. SO much that when I announced I was coming home immediately to talk he got even more upset....he had a 'vacation' planned with her while I was gone visiting family with the kids. He insisted on this trip for me...now I see why. So many things make sense now.

 

We talked a LOT yesterday(on the phone) but he left yesterday for their 'trip' somewhere and even though I will be home tomorrow...he won't. I suspect I won't see him until Wednesday. I see a lawyer tomorrow.

 

His tone was remorse in the morning but once the trip with her came out I was no longer able to keep a sarcastic tone from coming out and his resolve came out by evening. He's with her and he should be planning to leave. I thought he was moving in with her but then he said she wasn't ready. ROFLMBO!

 

I can't in good conscience allow him to see her and live with us. He has no intention of coming back to ME. But since he's offering the house and to keep me homeschooling we have something to build on for an agreement but the phone talk with the lawyer said that to get the best money and enforcement...I will have to sue.

 

I have to be strong for them right now. They are my focus. Their lives are about to be destroyed b/ c my 'Christian' husband is no more. His friends, our pastor...we all talked to him. All saying this is wrong. He went with her anyway. I could forgive but he's done with me he said.

 

i appreciate the support.

[ConnieB]

:grouphug: For your own sanity try to keep life as "normal" as possible right now.....you've got enough changes to deal with on a very deep level.

 

As for the legalities.....yes, do get to an attorney and get working on an agreement now, while he is still feeling guilty and generous. You have no clue how "lucky" you are that he's not feeling like he's the "wronged" party, lol....so get while the getting is good. Most unfaithful husbands want out but don't want to pay for it, and may have been supportive of homeschooling for years and suddenly will be declaring to a Judge how awful it is for his kids and that they need to be back in school.....of course this sadly has nothing to do with homeschooling and everything to do with money....if you're staying home to homeschool those kids than you can't fully support them and yourself and he'll have to pay. Sad, but true.

 

So....get the legalities over and done with now while the getting is good. Then work on figuring out how your new life will look. If the finances don't turn out to be all that you need, then you can figure out how to fix that problem, but let the court do it's thing first, between them and his guilt you may find that with some adjusting you can make it, and therefore have the time to be with your kids who are going to need your love and support now more than ever.

 

And please, as others have said.....gather your support system around you.....it's a hard time to ask for help, but a vital one. You need to come through this as whole as possible, for your kids, but mostly for yourself. You've been dealt a mighty blow. :grouphug:

[camibami]

I have no helpful advice, but I wouldn't mind kicking your DH's butt around the block a few times.:glare:

 

I am so sorry this is happening. You and your children are in my prayers.:grouphug:

[Mama Bear]

Tess, I'm so sorry.

 

As others have said, don't change anything. Unless he's indicated that he's out and not coming back, in which case you might be able to change the locks -- depends on your state. Find an attorney, post haste, and confirm that. If you 've been homeschooling, then that's the family standard. Courts are reluctant to change the family standard just because one member of a family has lost his mind.

 

There are a pile of really good books out there, most of which are tought to read because you already know most of what they have to say. Too bad one cannot impart wisdom through application of heavy tomes directly to a person's skull. That would be spectacular.

 

PM me if you like.

 

Hugs to you and yours.

[Blessedfamily]

:grouphug: For your own sanity try to keep life as "normal" as possible right now.....you've got enough changes to deal with on a very deep level.

 

As for the legalities.....yes, do get to an attorney and get working on an agreement now, while he is still feeling guilty and generous. You have no clue how "lucky" you are that he's not feeling like he's the "wronged" party, lol....so get while the getting is good. ....

 

This is good advice, and exactly what I would do. Get this settled while he still has some remorse.

 

Try to keep things as normal as you can on an everyday level for the kids.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

 

ETA: And I also agree with others who said don't change your lifestyle. Don't go get a job- keep homeschooling. That's your lifestyle.

Edited July 28, 2009 by Blessedfamily

[JudoMom]

He couldn't wait to be off with her. SO much that when I announced I was coming home immediately to talk he got even more upset....he had a 'vacation' planned with her while I was gone visiting family with the kids. He insisted on this trip for me...now I see why. So many things make sense now.

 

We talked a LOT yesterday(on the phone) but he left yesterday for their 'trip' somewhere and even though I will be home tomorrow...he won't. I suspect I won't see him until Wednesday. I see a lawyer tomorrow.

 

His tone was remorse in the morning but once the trip with her came out I was no longer able to keep a sarcastic tone from coming out and his resolve came out by evening. He's with her and he should be planning to leave. I thought he was moving in with her but then he said she wasn't ready. ROFLMBO!

 

I can't in good conscience allow him to see her and live with us. He has no intention of coming back to ME. But since he's offering the house and to keep me homeschooling we have something to build on for an agreement but the phone talk with the lawyer said that to get the best money and enforcement...I will have to sue.

 

I have to be strong for them right now. They are my focus. Their lives are about to be destroyed b/ c my 'Christian' husband is no more. His friends, our pastor...we all talked to him. All saying this is wrong. He went with her anyway. I could forgive but he's done with me he said.

 

i appreciate the support.

 

No advice, but another :grouphug:. I'm so sorry.

[Blueridge]

Oh, bless your heart. I am so very sorry! :grouphug::grouphug: It never ceases to amaze me how men can justify their sinful behavior in their minds to relieve their guilt. Don't worry, he will eventually have to pay for what he has done to his dear family. He will pay dearly one day when she leaves him for another, and he is alone. Then the veil will be lifted and he will realize how he has been deceived all along by sin. I hope you have a positive and encouraging visit with your lawyer. Bless you and your dear little ones~

[TraceyS/FL]

OH you live in VA. It's going to be a long year, and do start getting it all in writing. I believe you have to live apart for 12 months before your divorce can be final (I have a number of friends in VA).

 

:grouphug: it's not a fun process, but the fact that he is onboard with continuing to HS is a huge blessing. Trust me on this one... the impact on the kids when in addition to Mom & Dad getting a divorce, Dad is trying to force them to public school is huge. The sad thing is that in my case, he can't see that is causing the rift between the kids and him.

 

SOOO, take that blessing and get it in writing....

 

More :grouphug:

[Nestof3]

Oh, Tess. I just feel sick, angry and sad. Please know that I am here for you -- call me if you need anything.

[*********]

I'm so sorry. I really can't imagine.

 

I've never been through that. But, my dh has two children from a relationship before we got married; they weren't married, but they do have child support and custody agreements.

 

My mother also left my father when I was 4.

 

So, all that to say, I've seen enough to have a bit of advice; which is get EVERYTHING in writing. I don't care if he 'agrees' to it, or if he's sorry, or whatever. You cannot legally hold him to anything that's not in your legal agreements. And getting those changed after the fact is a lot harder than getting them right the first time.

 

Some things to consider in your agreement:

 

Visitation/custody schedule (when the kids will be with you, and when they will be with him). Get the agreement as specific as possible. You and he can always agree to some changes later, but it's great to have a specific plan to use if you can't agree on something else. Consider things like where the children will spend holidays/birthdays, as well as specifically what days and times they will go from your house to his house and vice versa. Even who will drive or who will pick up at each exchange. (I realize that seems trivial, but trust me, it does come up.)

 

Child support. This is a big one, of course, and will depend a lot on your living arrangements, his income, and your income. But if will also depend a LOT on how much time the kids spend with you versus how much time they spend with dad. Talk to your lawyer; I know my state has a minimum amount of days that dad must legally have the kids, or else child support is increased DRAMATICALLY. If he is willing to talk, you just do the listening. See if he has a plan (like you stay in the home, he pays the bills, plus he gives you X amount in additon; or whatever.) Get his ideas first, don't agree to anything, don't give a 'counter' offer. Then talk to your lawyer. He/she will be able to tell you from there.

 

Health insurance/medical expenses. Have these in your agreement! Who pays for what or how you split costs, who has to carry the kids on insurance, etc. This is a biggie too, and IMO cannot be left out of the agreement. Unless your state is different than mine, and it CAN'T be put in or something, I'd make sure it was in there. We all know medical care can be EXPENSIVE, and you need a legal agreement for who will pay for what.

 

Child care. I realize you may not want to consider the possibility of daycare/babysitters right now. But have it in your agreement. Spell out how the expense will be split just in case. Otherwise, if you need child care, and it's on your time with the kids, well, of course he may not want to pay for it.

 

Also, in relation to child care, dh has in his agreement something called 'first right of refusal for babysitting'. (Which I think is silly, since who 'babysits' their own kids; but I digress). Basically, if means that if mom had to be away from the kids, that dad MUST be contacted first to see if he would like to have them BEFORE they go to daycare/babysitters/grandmas house, whatever. And vice versa. However, I would warn that got tricky when dh and I got married, 'cause mom didn't like that the kids would be at home with me sometimes (when it was dad's parenting time), and dad wasn't home. She tried to insist that if dad wasn't home, she should be able to come get the kids for an hour or two, since I was 'babysitting'. We had to have the judge clarify that I was not 'babysitting' since I am their stepmother. So if you have that, make it SPECIFIC. (Just to mention, mom and I get along great now, but things were rough in the beginning. :001_smile:)

 

One last thing. I don't know about all states, but here we have 'physical custody' and 'legal custody'. My dh has joint legal custody with mom. But mom has sole physical custody. Which means dh has the same 'legal' rights as mom, but the kids 'live' with mom. I would suggest making sure you have either sole physical and legal custody (which I think is hard to get unless dad agrees or is proven to be unfit), or at the very least, joint physical and legal custody. Your lawyer, obviously, can explain that more to you.

 

Anyway, I guess my overall theme is have your legal agreements as specific as possible. I know some things may seem silly, trivial, or unnecessary now. But as time goes on, people can get less 'sorry', or less understanding, or their seperate lives change. It's so much easier to have a specific plan, and then you and dad can agree on something else if you both want to.

 

Wow, this got long. Not meaning to overwhelm you. Just trying to help.

 

Again, I can't imagine. :grouphug:

[plansrme]

While he is out of town or whatever, but immediately, get thy hands on as much cash as possible, lest he have a change of heart and cut you off. You can tell him afterwards, but not until you have enough to get you and the family through until a judge could put in (and you could enforce) an emergency support order. Put it in an account in your name only.

 

Terri

[*********]

While he is out of town or whatever, but immediately, get thy hands on as much cash as possible, lest he have a change of heart and cut you off. You can tell him afterwards, but not until you have enough to get you and the family through until a judge could put in (and you could enforce) an emergency support order. Put it in an account in your name only.

 

Terri

 

I see where you're coming from.

 

But I'm not sure that is legal.

 

Imagine if he did that. Took ALL their joint money, and left her with nothing. I don't know that would be legal, either.

 

I'd make sure to talk to your lawyer before you do anything like that. JMO.

[TxMama]

My dad gave me the absolute best advice when I went through my divorce.

 

"The kids and your sanity are the most important things to walk away with -everything else is just stuff."

 

Also remember that the only winners in a divorce is the divorce attorney. They will promise you the moon and the stars but will rob you blind because everytime they talk to you on the phone, touch a piece of paper, etc they are charging you.

 

Meet with your attorney and get your legal advice what to expect if your divorce goes to court. Let your STBXH put his offer on the table and try to come to an agreement together. You don't offer but let the ex put the offer on the table and if it is more than what you should expect from the courts take it.

 

My ex was busy leading his new life and didn't want to stop to tie up the lose ends of his old one. He never got an attorney for our divorce but we negotiated and my attorney wrote it up. It was emotionally hard on me to do this but the financial rewards were huge. It amazes me what some people pay for their divorce!

 

As far as homeschooling as a single mom the most important issue is to make sure you can support your family without any financial support from the ex. I don't know one single mom who hasn't gone through a period where the ex failed to pay childsupport for a period of time. Trust me he may be remorseful now but don't expect it to last the 13+ years until your children are grown. If you are not in a position to financially support you and the kids make this a priority.

 

It is possible to homeschool and work but you will need support and childcare. I worked weekend nights as a nurse while grandparents alternated childcare. I moved from our family home which would have required us to rely on his support to maintain to a smaller home closer to grandparents that I could afford on my salary. These were difficult decisions and many disagreed with them. BUT my ex didn't see his kids for 6 months and spent another year being unreliable with his weekends so I'm glad I had reliable childcare with grandparents. He also did not pay child support for a year then decided to pay only 1/2 what was court ordered. It was fortunate that I could support us fully.

 

I know this is a difficult time but you are strong enough to deal with it. I know it is unbelievable that you will look back on this time and feel fortunate that it happened......but you will. I am now 10+ years post divorce and can honestly say that leaving me was the kindest gift my ex gave me.

Edited July 28, 2009 by Wendy B.

[Sparkle]

I have no helpful advice, but I wouldn't mind kicking your DH's butt around the block a few times.:glare:

 

I am so sorry this is happening. You and your children are in my prayers.:grouphug:

 

:iagree: You summed up my thoughts perfectly.

 

:grouphug: for you, Tess.

[plansrme]

I see where you're coming from.

 

But I'm not sure that is legal.

 

Imagine if he did that. Took ALL their joint money, and left her with nothing. I don't know that would be legal, either.

 

I'd make sure to talk to your lawyer before you do anything like that. JMO.

 

Unless there is a court order to the contrary, it is not illegal to take the money in a joint account. Nor would it be illegal for him to do the same to her. It may be unethical for her lawyer to counsel her to do this, but I'm not her lawyer.

 

Terri

[aggieamy]

Oh dear. My heart is breaking for you. No advice but lots of prayers.

[5Youngs]

Praying for you and sending hugs.

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

I can't in good conscience allow him to see her and live with us. He has no intention of coming back to ME. But since he's offering the house and to keep me homeschooling we have something to build on for an agreement but the phone talk with the lawyer said that to get the best money and enforcement...I will have to sue.

 

This is not necessarily true. If you write up what you need and your husband signs it there is no need for anyone to sue anyone. My husband and I hammered out vistation details and support agreement and we met at my lawyer's office to sign it. Do it fast and do it now, while your husband is still all foggy and guilty feeling. Point out to him that this way he can avoid going into a temporary hearing and have to have it a matter of public record he is leaving his family for another woman.

 

One of things I made husband sign is that our son is to have zero exposure to woman of a romantic nature.

 

And I have the vistation schedule set where our son never has to miss religious services....so that means no full weekend visitation..just Friday night to Saturday evening.

 

Don't go for standard anything at this point. Write down what you NEED to keep your life and your kid's life as uninterrupted as possible. You might be surprised what your husband will sign off on.

[Scarlett]

Unless there is a court order to the contrary, it is not illegal to take the money in a joint account. Nor would it be illegal for him to do the same to her. It may be unethical for her lawyer to counsel her to do this, but I'm not her lawyer.

 

Terri

 

Right, and just because she withdraws it doesn't mean she has to spend it. She can always give him his half back if she is told to by a judge. SHE is the one with no job....he wont' be cut off from money because he has a job.

[WyoSylvia]

I'll be praying for you. I'm so sorry this has happened. :grouphug:

[johnandtinagilbert]

prayers for all of you. :grouphug:

[Brigitte]

Tess, I am so sorry you are going through this. Prayers for all of you.

[*********]

Unless there is a court order to the contrary, it is not illegal to take the money in a joint account. Nor would it be illegal for him to do the same to her. It may be unethical for her lawyer to counsel her to do this, but I'm not her lawyer.

 

Terri

 

Sorry Terri, of course you're right. It's not illegal to take money out of a joint account that you are on. I "misspoke" (misstyped? whatever. You get the idea.) What I meant was the judge may not look on it favorably when/if they go to court.

[OnTheBrink]

Sorry Terri, of course you're right. It's not illegal to take money out of a joint account that you are on. I "misspoke" (misstyped? whatever. You get the idea.) What I meant was the judge may not look on it favorably when/if they go to court.

 

Generally, each person is entitled to half of everything (there are variables, and states differ) but emptying all accounts will not look good for Tess.

 

I suggest doing as your attorney says, as none of us can really offer you legal advice; just suggestions based on our own experiences.

 

And, stay above-board in ALL your dealings with H. Do not sink to any level he may sink to. Believe me, your kids will notice how you're handling things. Also, no matter what, don't speak ill of H in front of the kids and don't allow others to do so. No matter what he's done or is doing, he's still their father and as hard as it's going to be, they still need to treat him with respect.

 

Many of us have btdt. Feel free to PM if you need shoulder. :grouphug:

[*********]

Generally, each person is entitled to half of everything (there are variables, and states differ) but emptying all accounts will not look good for Tess.

 

I suggest doing as your attorney says, as none of us can really offer you legal advice; just suggestions based on our own experiences.

 

And, stay above-board in ALL your dealings with H. Do not sink to any level he may sink to. Believe me, your kids will notice how you're handling things. Also, no matter what, don't speak ill of H in front of the kids and don't allow others to do so. No matter what he's done or is doing, he's still their father and as hard as it's going to be, they still need to treat him with respect.

 

Many of us have btdt. Feel free to PM if you need shoulder. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Good advice, Michelle. :001_smile:

[gingersmom]

Whose money is he using to go vacation with?

 

If they are married then he is using marital funds. I don't see an issue with her taking money out of the bank. I wish someone had told me to do that.

[Scarlett]

Whose money is he using to go vacation with?

 

If they are married then he is using marital funds. I don't see an issue with her taking money out of the bank. I wish someone had told me to do that.

 

 

That will look horrible on him in court....using marital money to go on vacation with another woman.

 

About the money in the bank....she CAN take it out and a judge won't think anything bad of her as long as she is not gambling it away or something. She is a SAHM and will need money to survive. She can always give her husband his half back....less the money he spent on the other woman.

[bairnmama]

I've only read the first page of replies, but I wanted to tell you how I've been handling things.

 

M "d"h also had affairs and we have been separated since Feb. He pays child and spousal support that is a majority of my income, but I also work at my church nursery, teach art classes to homeschoolers and sell Usborne books to supplement. It's working for us right now. I've tried to cut way back on my spending to save up money as an emergency cushion just in case he stops paying or just reduces what he is currently paying. I've filled out separation paperwork, but it isn't signed yet so there is no legal agreement to fall back on.

 

This is a heartbreaking situation... but it can be worked out even with young kids like ours.:grouphug:

[Moni]

what do I need to know?

 

You need to know

--your reality, your situation, your household dynamics

--your kids, their needs, their limitations

--yourself, your own limitations

--grade-level curriculum will likely be the Most Ineffective way to homeschool

:seeya:

[mbeaser]

I'm VERY sorry that you are having to go through this. My situation is a bit different in that I have a portion of my income from VA disability, but I do rely on XH to pay support (which he has done continuously from initial our separation agreement in late 2006, through attempting reconciliation for 18+ months and kept our agreement almost in total with no input from a lawyer other than the court appointed mediator). In my case, he works for the federal government and I think garnishment would be fairly easy if he didn't pay, but it is something to consider.

 

While he is gone, I'd say to definitely sit down and do a budget based on a child support calculator for your state. If you don't see enough there, then you will need to figure out what else to do. Since he's probably already done it, think of all your assets and liabilities and what you want to end up with. Definitely, get him to put his agreements in writing ASAP. Be as nice to him as you can, and definitely avoid saying anything bad about him in front of the kids.

 

I'm able to be home full time (well, technically I'm currently unemployed, but jobs aren't happening in my area anyway and my budget works for me staying home after unemployment runs out) because I'm selling my minivan for a paid-for beater (14 year old station wagon with rust but with all wheel drive for my icky driveway) and I live in a low cost of living area and keep a tight budget. I got rid of everything we didn't need, don't run the air all the time, have a small garden, etc. Since you mentioned your pastor, I'd say definitely spend some time in prayer, asking for guidance. The Lord can do amazing things .

[drama_mama]

You've gotten the legal advice of getting an attorney and protecting yourself financially. That is all good advice. As a Single Mom who has homeschooled and finally caved and enrolled the kids in public school for this Fall you need to know:

 

this is going to be the hardest year of your life, homeschooling and being a single Mom has been the hardest thing I ever had to do. I get a good amount of child support but still have to work.

 

You need to lower your standards. I thought because my ex-husband did not do much at home that his contributions would not be missed but everything falls on me now. Yard work has had to give a little, I got rid of our pool because it was one more thing I had to take care of. We had four dogs and went down to two. I de-cluttered and have to live very simply. There just simply are not enough hours in the day.

 

Emotionally distance yourself from your husband, I know others would disagree but this was critical for me. If I spent time wondering where he was or who he was with that was precious time I was taking away from doing anything productive to build my and my childrens new life. So I stopped caring, if he was with her so what? I could not wish it away. Don't make yourself crazy.

 

Do not wonder what you did to cause this, the answer is likely nothing. This is his issue, not yours. Protect yourself and your children from his behavior by not allowing it to run your lives.

 

I wish I could say it worked for me to be single and homeschool but it did not. I have no family support however, it is just me and my kids. We have wonderful friends but they have their own lives.

 

I wish you well.

[Liz CA]

How awful for you Tess.

Never forget that God knows your pain and even though your husband has made the mistake of his lifetime and is disregarding the advice from his pastor, God will still hold you and your children in the palm of his hand.

I am praying that you will tangibly feel taken care of.

 

I would also follow the advice of many women who have evidently been there. Call a lawyer and get clarity on the laws of your state and take any and all precautionary measures you are allowed to.

Now you have to protect your children and yourself.

 

Even if your husband changes his mind, repents, returns to his family (it can happen even though right now he is besotted with a fantasy) you need the assistance from attorneys to protect your family for the immediate future.

[Carol in Cal.]

...though I would be VERY cautious about cleaning out the bank accounts.

 

Three more things:

1. Depending on how long he has been seeing this woman, he may have hid assets quite a bit already. Stop and think about what prospects and holdings you and he have, and make extensive notes. Copy all documents that are of a financial nature, and call the holders to check current balances. You may find, for instance, that you no longer have access to some of your brokerage account information. Get what you can while you can.

2. Don't forget about retirement plans. His should be partly yours.

3. Consider having child support automatically taken through the state. Although that does slow down your funds, it also makes it a lot harder for him to simply fail to pay for a period of time. There is much less onus on this process than there used to be.

[PollyOR]

:( I'm so very sorry.