Having an aging parent is hard

[DesertBlossom]

Not looking for advice. Just putting this out there. My dad is getting old, he isn't taking care of himself very well but he doesn't want to move in with any of his kids. Which is understandable. He'd be giving up privacy and independence and then moving out of the home he shared with my mother for nearly 50 years. I totally understand why he doesn't want to go. He's very much a creature of habit. He likes things the way they are. One of us kids stops by every single day to check in on him, help him, bring meals, administer meds, etc. Thankfully we all live really close and we're all happy to help. He wears a life alert button. But it's still not enough. 

 

My siblings and I we're all at this point where we very much agree that he needs to be living with someone. But he doesn't want to.  And nobody is going to make him do it.

 

It's just hard.

 

[Amira]

:grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[Laura Corin]

It's really hard.  In our case, it took a medical emergency to force the issue.  Mum was in and out of hospital for three months, and by the end she had come to a realisation that she couldn't carry on at home.  We weren't in the same situation as you though: I lived eight hours away, one brother was two hours away, and she and my other brother didn't get on.

 

When she moved out, we discovered that the house had been a serious fire risk (gas leak) not only to her but to her elderly next door neighbour (the houses were attached to each other).

 

We didn't initially expect her to stay with us long term, and there was a lot of strife as we worked out that this was the best solution.  Things have settled down now and she is doing much better (although losing capability slowly).  It's been hard, and there were some days when I couldn't see how it would turn out well.

 

My brother-in-law forced his parents to move into a nursing home.  My FIL was falling regularly and my MIL couldn't cope.  It was my MIL who was most angry about it though.  

 

My one piece of (unsolicited) advice is that you might like to read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.  He's a doctor, but it's mostly an investigation of end-of-life/elderly care from the perspective of the patient/old person.  It has helped me a lot to see things from my mum's point of view.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

Edited August 28, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Joules]

It's hard, no way around it.  Another book recommendation is The 36 Hour Day.  Even if you aren't dealing with full dementia, it has lots on dealing with caring for elderly around the clock, and I think it would help one see the early signs of dementia for what they are.  I wish I had read it as soon as I took over eldercare duties.

[DawnM]

I am sorry.  

 

I am glad my parents still have each other, they seem to be able to make it together, but my mom isn't doing well, and may not make it that much longer.  My dad will need to go to assisted living at that point, so far he just says he will move into a retirement center/village and I am concerned he thinks it will be fully independent living.  I really think he needs to go into at least their option of semi-independent living.   You have a small 1 bedroom or studio apartment, but only a fridge and microwave, no ability to leave the stove on, etc.....I am willing to make sure he has meals, although there is a place there to eat.

 

I would even be wiling to put one of those granny pods on my property, but the problem is, we aren't home all the time and I think he needs access to 24/7 care.  

 

He is becoming very forgetful.  He can rattle off all sorts of facts and anything to do with his chosen career, but he can't remember where the grocery store is.

 

 

[Kassia]

I am sorry, too.  I went through this with my dad and it hurt my heart.  Thinking of you.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Erica H

[Laurie4b]

:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

hugs. yes, it's hard.  there came a point I put my foot down and for her own safety forced my mother to move.  

 

I speak from experience  when I say you and your siblings being on the same page makes it easier - and you should be grateful for that.

[JonesinIndiana]

Hugs. This is a very difficult time.

 

We went thru it with my parents, and they ended up in a nursing home. Fortunately, all of us siblings were on the same page and my parents were happy together there. My parents passed last year within 4 months of each other. If there was any positive to that difficult time, it was the fact that caring for my parents brought us closer as siblings. My mother's only wish was that we all got along and for many years she saw it lived out daily as we visited her. (Dad had Alzheimer's)

 

Enjoy him while you can.

[Seasider]

Laura, I am currently reading Being Mortal and have a question to pose. I understand complying with the elderly person's wishes as much as possible. But what if the elder is experiencing dementia that affects sound judgment, or exhibiting behaviors that are clearly dangerous (like solo excursions out of the house with the inability to navigate home or even tell a cab driver where to go)? Or, what if the elder has sufficient cognitive abilities but has squandered assets to the point of bankruptcy and even deep debt? How long do adult kids strive to keep the telephone and utilities connected because the elder can't pay the bills? How much choice are they allowed when they've reached the point of being financially destitute? I am 85% through the book, perhaps the author will touch on these things later. It has been eye opening reading, and does mention some degree of dementia, but seems to focus on a person who can make choices that aren't totally irrational.

 

I also picked up a copy of The 36 Hour Day and would second the recommendation. I have used it topically (rather than reading cover-to-cover). It has been great for validating those little gut-checks about situations and behaviors, like signs that an older person needs more help or that something may be going on underlying certain behaviors, plus it seems reassuring in that there will come a time when a responsible party really needs to come in and make the choices, even if decisions must be made counter to the elder's stated wishes. It also includes information about powers of attorney and/or guardianship that make caregiver decisions possible.

 

I truly appreciate all the elder care chat on this forum, it's been very helpful in preparing for the inevitable.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Seasider

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

Laura, I am currently reading Being Mortal and have a question to pose. I understand complying with the elderly person's wishes as much as possible. But what if the elder is experiencing dementia that affects sound judgment, or exhibiting behaviors that are clearly dangerous (like solo excursions out of the house with the inability to navigate home or even tell a cab driver where to go)? Or, what if the elder has sufficient cognitive abilities but has squandered assets to the point of bankruptcy and even deep debt? How long do adult kids strive to keep the telephone and utilities connected because the elder can't pay the bills? How much choice are they allowed when they've reached the point of being financially destitute? I am 85% through the book, perhaps the author will touch on these things later. It has been eye opening reading, and does mention some degree of dementia, but seems to focus on a person who can make choices that aren't totally irrational.

 

 

As far as danger to self: if the person is aware of the danger and making a decision to live that way anyway (as in my mother's case) then I personally didn't feel that I should intervene.  When there was a danger to other people, I couldn't let her be.  Similarly, when she came to live with us and refused to use a stick, even though she had fallen once, I didn't insist that she use it: her body, her risk (she is fully covered for injury, so there would be no monetary cost to me).   I tend to think: she is going to die soon anyway, so who am I to tell her not to take a risk when walking without a stick is important to her?  

 

With dementia, it's harder.  I really don't know.  If the person might endanger other people (walking into the road, for example) I'd definitely do something.  Or if the person experienced great distress when lost or disorientated, then I might intervene too.  But if they just wandered off...   I might insist on some kind of tracking device, but otherwise, I might try to let them do what made them happy.  It's hard though.

 

For the money issue: I really don't know - if the money is being squandered rather than the person being incapable, then I might find myself letting them fall into the government safety net.  But that's a bit more solid here than in the US.

 

I'm not sure there are good answers.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Seasider]

That's a good qualifier - whether the person's choices would result in harm only to himself, or extend to others. Driving definitely falls into that category. My thoughts then move to an elderly couple who help each other out - a fall by one is likely to take them both down. It is head-shakingly complex.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, Laura.

[City Mouse]

For my MIL, it also took a medical emergency. She fell in her apartment (no injury but just couldn't get back up). She called the apartment mantinence people who came in and helped her sit in her chair. The phone next to her chair was working, but it did not have her list of phone numbers. She was dehydrated and was not able to get to the other phone. She did not want to call 911 or one of her children, so she sat in her chair for over 24 hours until daughter came over and got her to the hospital. Her doctor refused to discharge her from the hospital to go back to that apartment. She was in a rehab place for a few weeks, then stayed with one of her children for a few weeks before she found the assisted living place that she preferred. She did not want to live with one of her kids full time even though the offer was made by many of them.

[OneStepAtATime]

Laura, I am currently reading Being Mortal and have a question to pose. I understand complying with the elderly person's wishes as much as possible. But what if the elder is experiencing dementia that affects sound judgment, or exhibiting behaviors that are clearly dangerous (like solo excursions out of the house with the inability to navigate home or even tell a cab driver where to go)? Or, what if the elder has sufficient cognitive abilities but has squandered assets to the point of bankruptcy and even deep debt? How long do adult kids strive to keep the telephone and utilities connected because the elder can't pay the bills? How much choice are they allowed when they've reached the point of being financially destitute? I am 85% through the book, perhaps the author will touch on these things later. It has been eye opening reading, and does mention some degree of dementia, but seems to focus on a person who can make choices that aren't totally irrational.

 

I also picked up a copy of The 36 Hour Day and would second the recommendation. I have used it topically (rather than reading cover-to-cover). It has been great for validating those little gut-checks about situations and behaviors, like signs that an older person needs more help or that something may be going on underlying certain behaviors, plus it seems reassuring in that there will come a time when a responsible party really needs to come in and make the choices, even if decisions must be made counter to the elder's stated wishes. It also includes information about powers of attorney and/or guardianship that make caregiver decisions possible.

 

I truly appreciate all the elder care chat on this forum, it's been very helpful in preparing for the inevitable.

I will share my 2 cents based on taking care of my grandmother and other members in my family that suffered from dementia.  First and foremost I tried hard to treat them with respect and dignity.  I also carefully assessed in as much detail as possible where they really genuinely needed help, not just where it would be more convenient or less embarrassing for me and our family and I tried to be honest about that.  

 

Clothing.  For instance, although Grandma was wearing the same three outfits over and over and over, she was not hurting anyone to do so.  I just tried to make sure they got cleaned fairly regularly.  It helped, actually, that she had those three matching outfits.  She knew what to put on and did not stress over what to wear.  It annoyed Dad because he thought it looked bad so I had to convince him this was not a battle that was worth fighting.  

 

Finances. Her finances were another issue.  She was not paying her bills.  Utilities were in danger of being cut off.  She nearly lost her house from not paying the taxes.  Local businesses in her community were trying to be patient waiting for her to pay them for things like gas and such but many of them were run by local families barely making ends meet.  Her not paying was hurting them.

 

For this I felt I had to step in.  I did it very slowly, though, and treated her with respect as I did so.  I allowed her to "train" me on her billing system and to show me how she preferred things done.  I did not treat her like she was incapable.  I simply offered to help her out with her busy life.  I slowly increased what I was doing to help until eventually I was handling all of her bills for her.  I would still consult with her and show her things so she would feel a part of the process, not ignored, but I learned the hard way not to show her anything that might be stressful for her.  

 

While she wasn't paying her bills, she was spending money.  Curtailing spending so that it met with her income and outflow was challenging.  She would pull out cash and go to every garage sale around.  (She ended up owning 5 couches.)  I had to get all the bills paid as soon as they came in so there would be money to cover the expenses.  If she had been using credit cards and checks that might have been a bigger issue.  At least with cash she only had access to what she had in her account at that moment.

 

Medication...this was hard.  I started with a chart but it wasn't enough.  She got paranoid and started not taking meds she needed and overtaking stuff she shouldn't.  It caused her to get belligerent and threaten people.  I lived 9 hours away so I couldn't always be there.  I got a close friend of hers to come over weekly to set up her pills and daily to help with housework and try to ensure she took the right meds at the right time.  Again, though, I did not treat her like she was stupid or incapable and I tried hard not act angry or frustrated.  I worked with her (and around her when necessary), and so did her friend, but never as if she no longer had any rights or say so.

 

Driving.  She absolutely was not safe to drive anymore but convincing her not to was virtually impossible.  She was so hurt and angry that we would suggest taking away her freedom like that.  I didn't have much choice, though.  In a car she could hurt or kill others.  We ended up secretly disabling her vehicle (which I felt bad about but felt it was the best course of action) so she couldn't start it.  She asked us to get it fixed.  We agreed.  We "took it to the shop" to get fixed.  It never "got fixed". We just kept stalling her until she eventually forgot about it.  Her friend would drive her places or I would or my parents.

 

Solo excursions. Walking around on solo excursions but not always remembering how to get home was an issue.  She did this but she was in a small town.  People knew her.  Most could steer her back to where she needed to go if they recognized that she was lost.  Sometimes we had to send people out to find her.  I felt that she needed those excursions, though.  I did not try to stop them because she enjoyed getting out, the exercise was good for her, and she needed to feel some independence.  Plus, she would spend her time picking up trash so it "beautified the community" as she would put it.  It gave her purpose.

 

In a large city, this might have been more problematic, however.  I remember a friend of the family having issues with a grandmother that would wander into the middle of very busy streets and start railing at the world.  It caused dangerous traffic jams.  In that scenario I think solo excursions are probably not a good idea.

 

Huge hugs OP.  This is a hard place to be.  A painful and exhausting and stressful one.  Good luck and best wishes.

[Lanny]

Your dad is lucky that you and your siblings are close to where he lives and attentive.  Does he have a cell phone with a panic button?  Some way to alert you, if he falls or something and needs rescue?

 

OT: Yesterday, I read about someone who passed away at 81.  One of his survivors is his mother. Long life!

[AMJ]

Not looking for advice. Just putting this out there. My dad is getting old, he isn't taking care of himself very well but he doesn't want to move in with any of his kids. Which is understandable. He'd be giving up privacy and independence and then moving out of the home he shared with my mother for nearly 50 years. I totally understand why he doesn't want to go. He's very much a creature of habit. He likes things the way they are. One of us kids stops by every single day to check in on him, help him, bring meals, administer meds, etc. Thankfully we all live really close and we're all happy to help. He wears a life alert button. But it's still not enough. 

 

My siblings and I we're all at this point where we very much agree that he needs to be living with someone. But he doesn't want to.  And nobody is going to make him do it.

 

It's just hard.

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[MercyA]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

Not looking for advice. Just putting this out there. My dad is getting old, he isn't taking care of himself very well but he doesn't want to move in with any of his kids. Which is understandable. He'd be giving up privacy and independence and then moving out of the home he shared with my mother for nearly 50 years. I totally understand why he doesn't want to go. He's very much a creature of habit. He likes things the way they are. One of us kids stops by every single day to check in on him, help him, bring meals, administer meds, etc. Thankfully we all live really close and we're all happy to help. He wears a life alert button. But it's still not enough. 

 

My siblings and I we're all at this point where we very much agree that he needs to be living with someone. But he doesn't want to.  And nobody is going to make him do it.

 

It's just hard.

 

I did that, though I had no living siblings to share it with, so it was all me, all the time (and my husband).  I finally had to hire part time caregivers since I had little kids myself. We made it work.  My parent really, really wanted to be at home. 

 

Another poster talked about finances.  Yes, that was a first major indicator for me.  I found the bills of a person with a perfect credit score stuffed in drawers.  Like another poster above, I "let my parent train me" in how to do these.  We did the bills together at first, and it was exhausting, so I just started doing it "for her convenience". 

 

It all worked out. 

 

Edited August 28, 2016 by TranquilMind

[mommyoffive]

Sending some hugs.

 

I am not looking forward to this.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[goldberry]

My mother, who has moderate dementia, recently told me if she couldn't live at home she would rather be in nursing home than with one of us daughters.  At first I felt hurt over that, but when I asked her why, she said, "If someone is going to be ordering me around, it's damn well better for it to be a stranger!"  I sort of understood that actually.  

 

It's hard though.  Right now, she only drives during the daytime to the Kroger or Walmart she has gone to for years.  But we're getting close to having to stop the driving altogether.  It's going to be ugly and traumatizing.

[Seasider]

My mother, who has moderate dementia, recently told me if she couldn't live at home she would rather be in nursing home than with one of us daughters. At first I felt hurt over that, but when I asked her why, she said, "If someone is going to be ordering me around, it's damn well better for it to be a stranger!" I sort of understood that actually.

 

It's hard though. Right now, she only drives during the daytime to the Kroger or Walmart she has gone to for years. But we're getting close to having to stop the driving altogether. It's going to be ugly and traumatizing.

I think it's Dave Ramsey who said that it's really hard to take advice/orders from someone whose diaper you changed.

[TechWife]

Very hard. My parents are 86. Dad has dementia and has lost his vision. Mom is not doing well physically. She has had a stroke and then a broken sacrum that will not heal due to her osteoporosis and has some other health issues as well. My brother and one of my sisters have done and are doing the brunt of the physical care and they are burned out. Sibling relationships that were already strained are really fraying. We are looking at moving them to an assisted living facility with a memory care unit. It's a hard transition to consider and to make. For my parents, it is necessary. 

 

As far as finances go - my husband and I are handling those. We have a durable financial power of attorney for them and are in charge of paying their bills and their assets, which in their case, is just a house. This happened after bills got four or more months behind and they were getting cut off notices for utilities, which was when we were made aware of the problem. My mom understands most of what is happening financially and we include her in decisions, but she is happy to leave us to the "hard stuff" of bill paying dealing with Medicare and the VA. My dad is not able to participate in discussions at all due to his dementia. Putting their utility bills on auto pay has been a big time saver for us. Managing two households, one remotely, has been stressful for us as well. It's just a lot to think about as their house is old and needs maintenance fairly regularly. 

[sarasue7272]

My mil -may- have had a mild heart attack. The dr she went to told her to go to the hospital, but she doesn't want to be cut open so she didn't go. She is going to treat it "naturally".

 

Can't really even describe how I feel about this. Not good.

[TechWife]

I think it's Dave Ramsey who said that it's really hard to take advice/orders from someone whose diaper you changed.

 

Even when you are changing their diapers. 

[Corbster98]

I haven't read all of the replies but wanted to send you some hugs  :grouphug:

 

My Mom lives with us now after my father passed from ALS about 3 years ago. It is very difficult to deal with aging parents. My grandmothers are both still alive as well ( in their 90's and widowed) and really need to be moved into some sort of assisted living situation but refuse. It is a mess in many ways :( 

 

I just finished reading this book last night and highly recommend it! I was able to relate to so much and also had some giggles too while reading... definitely a bonus.   Cant We Talk About Something More Pleasant?: A Memoir by Roz Chast 

[Mom25girls]

Sending hugs. My mom has early stage dementia and it so very difficult for us all. Wishing that I had some illuminating advice but all I can say is...you're not in this alone. Hugs and more hugs. In agreement with the previous poster, Cant We Talk About Something More Pleasant?: A Memoir by Roz Chast gave me some much needed perspective (and a few giggles!). 

[lauraw4321]

I cared for my grandfather. I now care for my grandmother. My aunts and uncles try to pull me in to caring for my other grandparents (I can't manage that). I'm an only child to two aging parents. I believe the next 20 years of my life will be filled with elder care.  I understand and  :grouphug:

[Seasider]

Even when you are changing their diapers.

Whoa. That is quite a sobering thought.

[Bluegoat]

This happened with my husbands grandmother, and to some extent with my grandparents.

 

With my dh's grandmother, in the end it was a matter of her building kicking her out.  She had several small fires in her kitchen because she left burners on and such.  When my ILs cleaned her place out, it became clear that she hadn't been caring for herself for a while, and that this probably accounted for some of her digestive issues in particular.  And to some extent they knew that there was a problem before, but she wouldn't do a thing about it.

 

With my grandparents, they were much more with it, but the house was impossible - my nana could not do stairs at all and it was a split level.  She was climbing up on her hands and knees to get in the house.  But she couldn't stand the idea of living in some kind of assisted situation or even just an apartment.  In the end she died before she got into a new place, but my grandfather's quality of life improved quite a bit.

 

What always strikes me about these cases is that while the people involved are trying hard not to give up autonomy, it is often the opposite that happens, they put off a decision until the options are limited or poor or someone has to make it for them, and their health is so poor they never can make a home in the new place.  It seems to me like it is much better to take the decision into one's own hands and take action when it will be possible to do more than just sit and wait to die. 

 

But many people I am sure know this but can't seem to see their way to doing it.

[DesertBlossom]

 

What always strikes me about these cases is that while the people involved are trying hard not to give up autonomy, it is often the opposite that happens, they put off a decision until the options are limited or poor or someone has to make it for them, and their health is so poor they never can make a home in the new place.  It seems to me like it is much better to take the decision into one's own hands and take action when it will be possible to do more than just sit and wait to die. 

 

But many people I am sure know this but can't seem to see their way to doing it.

 

This is a lot of our dilemma.  My dad is a Type 2 diabetic with poor eating habits. When his blood sugar gets high, he quits testing himself, like not seeing the number makes it go away. He's had several foot infections already and was hospitalized a couple times last year. If he were living with someone, eating healthy food and staying on top of his blood sugar, he'd feel better and live longer. Right now he's on the fast track to losing his feet altogether. And if he loses his feet, he would be forced to go to an assisted living place as I don't think any of us kids would be able to care for him. 

 

Nobody wants to make him move. But if he loses his feet are we going to regret not having intervened? Or is that not even our decision to make?  

It's just hard.

[Bluegoat]

This is a lot of our dilemma.  My dad is a Type 2 diabetic with poor eating habits. When his blood sugar gets high, he quits testing himself, like not seeing the number makes it go away. He's had several foot infections already and was hospitalized a couple times last year. If he were living with someone, eating healthy food and staying on top of his blood sugar, he'd feel better and live longer. Right now he's on the fast track to losing his feet altogether. And if he loses his feet, he would be forced to go to an assisted living place as I don't think any of us kids would be able to care for him. 

 

Nobody wants to make him move. But if he loses his feet are we going to regret not having intervened? Or is that not even our decision to make?  

It's just hard.

 

Is there someone who can, or has, put it to him in a really blunt way?  Maybe someone a little more neutral than one of his kids?  I think as long as someone is of sound mind, there is a point at which they will sometimes simply choose to make a self-destructive decision that you can't do much about.  But I think it's legitimate to make sure they are facing that head on and not just avoiding the question, even if it seems a little mean - it's treating them like an adult IMO.

[Joules]

 

 

What always strikes me about these cases is that while the people involved are trying hard not to give up autonomy, it is often the opposite that happens, they put off a decision until the options are limited or poor or someone has to make it for them, and their health is so poor they never can make a home in the new place.  It seems to me like it is much better to take the decision into one's own hands and take action when it will be possible to do more than just sit and wait to die. 

 

 

I think this needs to be emphasized, and if it is past thinking about it for your parents, think about it for yourselves (and thereby your children!)  I've learned lots getting my Dad into assisted living.

 

There are many multi-level retirement facilities available that have independent living, assisted living, memory care and or skilled nursing.  You usually have to qualify for independent living by being "independent," but there are lots of resources available to you onsite...meals, transportation, activities, doctors/dentists that come to you, etc.  You get either a nice apartment or villa that has everything you need on one level, high security, and easy access to people to help you.  Really they can be pretty nice and an ideal balance between living on your own and "in" a facility.  If you need more care later, you can move to the next level and still have your community.

 

But here's the rub, by the time most of us get to the point of moving or moving our loved ones, it is too late and things are too far gone for independent living.  There isn't a chance to build community ties as an active adult before you are dependent on people.  

Something else that I learned is that even if you wouldn't qualify for independent living as a new resident, if you get in, you can often stay there longer with help from home health visits and modifications, as health issues occur.

 

My dad had to go direct into assisted living, but I really saw the advantages of moving into an independent living center early.  From talking to people at different centers, those that see it as important (and actually do it) are usually childless and know they will have no one to care for them.  

 

As a parent of an only and one who has spend the last four years in the eldercare trenches, I am starting to think of it as one last gift to one's children.

[DesertBlossom]

Is there someone who can, or has, put it to him in a really blunt way? Maybe someone a little more neutral than one of his kids? I think as long as someone is of sound mind, there is a point at which they will sometimes simply choose to make a self-destructive decision that you can't do much about. But I think it's legitimate to make sure they are facing that head on and not just avoiding the question, even if it seems a little mean - it's treating them like an adult IMO.

Oh, many people have been blunt. His kids. Doctors. Nurses. I would say he's got an eating disorder plus something else. The way he rationalizes things is just bizarre. We've done a lot to try to make healthy food accessible to him. He just makes other choices. Unless in the care of someone else and without access to the grocery store junk aisle, I don't think he will change.

[AimeeM]

It is absolutely so hard and I'm so sorry that you and your family is going through this. I have no advice, but we did just go through this with FIL and, ultimately, as much as it makes me cringe that he was living the way he lived for so long because he refused to stay with us, I am so glad that we let him stay where he wanted for as long as we could (he did end up in a hospital setting, but that wasn't until the end was imminent and very near). 

 

 

Edited August 29, 2016 by AimeeM

[Guest]

Oh, many people have been blunt. His kids. Doctors. Nurses. I would say he's got an eating disorder plus something else. The way he rationalizes things is just bizarre. We've done a lot to try to make healthy food accessible to him. He just makes other choices. Unless in the care of someone else and without access to the grocery store junk aisle, I don't think he will change.

We have something similar, but some of the children are enabling. After app five years, we walked off and told the enablers that they own it, and we wont be paying for assisted living due to the consequences of the enabling. As far as I can tell, the decision to reject eating nutritiously, moderate exercise, and eye, dental, and foot care is for the possibility of getting on disability a little sooner.

[Laura Corin]

I think this needs to be emphasized, and if it is past thinking about it for your parents, think about it for yourselves (and thereby your children!)  I've learned lots getting my Dad into assisted living.

 

There are many multi-level retirement facilities available that have independent living, assisted living, memory care and or skilled nursing.  You usually have to qualify for independent living by being "independent," but there are lots of resources available to you onsite...meals, transportation, activities, doctors/dentists that come to you, etc.  You get either a nice apartment or villa that has everything you need on one level, high security, and easy access to people to help you.  Really they can be pretty nice and an ideal balance between living on your own and "in" a facility.  If you need more care later, you can move to the next level and still have your community.

 

 

But there's the money question.  We can't afford to live for decades (potentially) in what is essentially a hotel.  I know someone in the US who moved into a facility when quite young,  but she had a lot of money.

 

Instead, we plan to move into an easy-care bungalow with a small garden, within walking distance of a village shop, and on a bus route to a supermarket, where we can afford to live and have help (house cleaning, etc.).  Then we should be able to preserve our capital for the future when we need care.  So yes, we don't expect to move into care until we really need it, because in that way we preserve our capital, and when we run out the government will pick up the bill (because we will have definite care needs).

[DesertBlossom]

We have something similar, but some of the children are enabling. After app five years, we walked off and told the enablers that they own it, and we wont be paying for assisted living due to the consequences of the enabling. As far as I can tell, the decision to reject eating nutritiously, moderate exercise, and eye, dental, and foot care is for the possibility of getting on disability a little sooner.

Oh wow. That would be hard. For my dad I think it's a lifetime of poor eating habits and a touch of depression (which he is taking something for) after losing my mom.