Would you want to know if your 12 yo was an impolite dinner guest at someone's home?

[Colleen]

Not long ago, a 12 yo boy who had never been at our home before had a meal with us. I had a hunch this child wasn't going to be a diverse eater, so to speak, so I made a point of not serving anything unusual. While things like tofu, kale, and chard are par for the course here, I'm aware they're outside the box to a lot of people. The meal, then, was simply soup and salad, with a whole-grain roll. When everyone sat down to the meal, the salad was already on a salad plate. Normally, we just put out a big bowl of salad, but I just happened to put it on individual plates this day. I didn't think anything of it because, well, it was just salad. And not "strange" salad, mind you. We often eat mixed greens, arugula, radicchio, and so on, but this was just regular ol' red leaf lettuce. A step up from iceberg, in other words.

 

So we sit down to eat and this boy stares wide-eyed at his salad plate. He then asks, in a dumbfounded tone, "What is this?" I stared back at him. "What do you mean, 'What is this?' It's salad." He looks at the plate. Then at me. Then at the plate. I ask, "You don't eat salad at your house?" To which he responds, "Uhhh, not much."

 

Ah, okay. I get (kinda sorta) that not everyone eats a ton of salad. No biggie. But seriously. A kid who's nearing 13 years old acting like he doesn't even KNOW what salad is? That's just ridiculous. I said to him in a smiling tone, "Well, you certainly don't need to eat it, but I guarantee you your mom wouldn't be real thrilled about the way you're acting right now."

 

Next, the soup. It was a white bean-and-chicken thing. Again, nothing fancy. Nothing weird in there. In fact, it really can't get any more plain. The recipe calls for jalapeno peppers, and I omit those. Most of my family ~ including dh and me ~ are total wimps about hot-spicy stuff. (What can I say? We're Swiss and German.;)) A lot of people would probably think our food is on the bland side, in that respect. But this boy proceeds to eat his soup in the following manner: Take one small spoonful. Breathe in and out dramatically, fanning face with hand. Take large gulp of water. Repeat. And so on. Now, again, I understand that we all have different reactions to different foods. But, aside from the fact that this soup was as plain as it gets (salt and pepper were the ONLY seasonings in there), this whole drama was beyond annoying. Needless to say, the whole wheat roll went untouched.

 

This was so bothersome to me at the time; I didn't enjoy the meal thanks to his behavior. Later, I found the humor in it, thanks to my own boys. They were totally flummoxed that someone would act like that ~ even asking what the salad was. My guys eat anything, and my biggest concern when they go to someone else's home is that they'll just keep taking more. I have to remind them of the fact that just because more food is there doesn't mean they have to finish it all off.:D Not every kid is going to be like that. I get that. I've ahd kids here who picked at their food and so on. But to act like this? At his age? I'm seriously wondering if I should mention this to his mom.

 

So that's my question. Would you want to know if your child ~ not a small child, but one nearing 13 ~ behaved like this? His mom has said to me that her boys aren't adventurous eaters. They always wanted their food separated on the kiddie plates that offer different sections, etc. (Which imo is one way to contribute to pickiness.) She laughingly told me that her son said if/when we eat at their home, they need to have a lot of vegetables. (Huh? Because we had salad here?) And she said she hoped he was polite here at dinner. Well, he wasn't, imo. At all. But does she genuinely want to hear that? Would you? And if I do mention it, what should I say?

Edited March 4, 2009 by Colleen

[newlifemom]

I am not sure. I personally would want to know if my child acted like that, especially at 13. My 10 dd, who eats just about anything knows how to be polite if she doesn't like the meal. She needs to try all and not complain. Attempt to make it look like she is eating. Something.anything she just needs to be polite. That said, my ds 7 with Sensory Integration Disorder and possible a spectrum disorder. He would not have touched your meal. I am working diligently with him at home and his repertoire has expanded significantly I am embarrassed to take him somewhere when I don't know what will be served.

I have told some of my friends when their kids have been impolite in my house, but some of my closest friends I have not b/c they just wouldn't believe it of their kids. I guess you have to know if your friend is really willing to hear it. Good luck. BTW, the meal sounded delicious.

 

Oh, one final thought. My dh is Chinese and as a result we have had some interesting [read gross] meals with relatives for various holidays. Dh always tells the kids, "don't make a scene and I will take care of you later":D

[chaik76]

Yes, I would want to know if my child acted like that. I was (and am) a very picky eater, but even at that age I knew how to act politely at someone else's house.

 

(ETA:I wouldn't have known what your salad was at that age either, though. We only ate iceberg lettuce...

Honestly, I find what you served off the "normal" range...not something we would ever serve...I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it at that age, maybe not even now. But I would NEVER, then or now, have acted the way that boy did.)

[JenneinCA]

My daughter (age 10) would have been one of those kids who picked at the food instead of eating it. She has issues, the kind with medical labels about textures and foods. She wouldn't do salad. She doesn't do beans of any kind. She would have eaten all the rolls she could reach though. She probably would NOT have tried to be rude about it, although it my have come across that way. We work very hard on being nice to the cook (me!!!). This isn't to excuse the boy's rudeness, just to say that sometimes it isn't the parent's fault about the child and the pickiness. I didn't make her picky by catering to her food issues. I kept her alive by feeding her what she would eat.

 

As a parent, I don't know if I would want to be told. Really, my daughter would have come home hungry and asked for food and told me the whole thing that night. Nothing about her and food would surprise me, except that she ate something new. I would have been embarrassed that it was a problem, again. And that she had upset the host family's dinner. This is the biggest reason that she didn't go to friend's houses often. She just could not handle eating the food.

 

So you asked if she would really want to be told... probably not. It is hard to hear that your child didn't behave in the expected way. Should you tell her anyway? I don't know. Do you think there is anything to be gained by telling? I know the only thing that I would do as the offending child's parent is not send her over to eat again.

 

I hope this helped.

[Julie in Monterey]

Colleen,

 

I hear your frustration. Did you have my nephew over for dinner? As simple as your meal seems to you and your family, this most likely was a huge stretch for this child. If I would have placed that in front of my nephew, he would have picked, rolled his eyes and even huffed a bit. Unfortunately, he is a product of my sister's cooking or lack thereof. They eat horribly at her house and most days have some sort of fast food. Usually when he is here visiting a make an effort to make a least one thing he'll eat and he agrees to at least try everything without a major production. Last visit he discovered croissants, quiche, and zucchini. This child is 14. What I'm getting at is it isn't all his fault. Mom needs to know her choices are now being reflected in her son and his behavior.

 

Since mom asked, I would let her know that it was evident that he is a picky eater and that it was hard for him...possibility that his pickiness and inability to embrace new and different foods (to him) came across as rude. Somehow, I would throw in there that this is a life skill and give her some example of your own children struggling trying something new or in some situation that is uncomfortable. In these situations I try to comiserate on some level while getting across my point.

 

Hopefully this helped a bit. Seriously, that could have been Logan. I'll talk to his mom...AGAIN!

 

Julie in Monterey

[Julie in Monterey]

My daughter (age 10) would have been one of those kids who picked at the food instead of eating it. She has issues, the kind with medical labels about textures and foods. She wouldn't do salad. She doesn't do beans of any kind. She would have eaten all the rolls she could reach though. She probably would NOT have tried to be rude about it, although it my have come across that way. We work very hard on being nice to the cook (me!!!). This isn't to excuse the boy's rudeness, just to say that sometimes it isn't the parent's fault about the child and the pickiness. I didn't make her picky by catering to her food issues. I kept her alive by feeding her what she would eat. .

 

Jenny,

 

I'm so glad I just read this. Thanks for reminding me of that! We all make assumptions.

 

Julie in Monterey

[Colleen]

Honestly, I find what you served off the "normal" range...not something we would ever serve...I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it at that age, maybe not even now.

 

That's interesting. So the only green salad you ever eat, if at all, is iceberg? I admit, I have a really hard time conceiving of lettuce as being off the normal range.:) Thanks for your reply, btw!

[chaik76]

 

That's interesting. So the only green salad you ever eat, if at all, is iceberg? I admit, I have a really hard time conceiving of lettuce as being off the normal range.:) Thanks for your reply, btw!

I actually don't know many people who use anything other than iceberg lettuce!!! Occasionally we include purple cabbage shreds and carrot shreds...but I didn't start doing that until I was an adult. We eat salad maybe once every five or six months? It's not something we normally eat. We also don't eat beans normally.

 

I think you tried very hard to simplify your meal, and the boy's behavior was not very polite. It sounds like you work very hard at having healthy meals...something that may not be the norm for most of us. At our house we typically serve a meat, a starch, and a vegetable for dinner. So your meal would have been very different from what I typically eat (I've never had red leaf lettuce, actually...or white beans) but I would definitely have tried everything with a smile on my face.

[mazakaal]

It really is all about what you're used to. I don't think I've ever served my family a salad with red lettuce. I don't think I could even find it in the shops here. If you've never had red lettuce, you might think it a bit weird. And some of my kids are not bean eaters at all, but neither is my husband. I do think it has something to do with the texture. In fact my 2 oldest have never been able to eat lettuce because it causes some sort of a gag reaction with them, always has. So I have to agree with the poster who said that your menu choice was slightly off of 'normal'.

 

The boys behavior was, of course, very bad, regardless of whether it was food he wasn't used to. I would hope that my kids never acted that way at someone's house. But I don't know if you should really bother telling the parent. I think if it wasn't done in the right way, it could cause great offense and a rift between you. Maybe better to just not invite the boy back for another meal.

[Colleen]

My daughter (age 10) would have been one of those kids who picked at the food instead of eating it.

 

Picking at food I can handle. It's not something I'm used to with my own children, but I know it's not unusual. What so surprised me here wasn't that the boy didn't care for the food, but what he said and how he acted, given his age.

 

She has issues, the kind with medical labels about textures and foods.

 

I'm pretty sure nothing like that is the case here. If it was, I imagine his mom would have mentioned that to me when she said he's a picky eater and that she hoped he was polite.

 

Do you think there is anything to be gained by telling? I know the only thing that I would do as the offending child's parent is not send her over to eat again.

 

Good point. I guess the reason I wonder is because she did ask/say that she hoped he was polite. Now, we all say those things and of course we assume we won't hear otherwise. And of course if we did hear otherwise, it might hurt our pride or embarass us. But could we maybe use it as a teaching moment? What would be gained in my case, for example, is that I'd sit my son down and have a serious talk about what is and isn't acceptable when he's a guest at someone else's table. On the other hand, I totally understand what you're saying. Thanks for replying.

[Spy Car]

If you'd served kale, tofu, and chard my 4.5 year-old would have eaten you out of house and home. And good thing you own a dairy farm because he can knock back the milk too.

 

Still some people have "funny" ideas about food, and 13 year old boys can be pretty obtuse. I don't think I'd say much beyond "pickey eater" to his mother if it were me. Especially if this is a friend of your son's, as it would likely cause more unwanted complications that it would be worth.

 

Side note: Shout out to Julie in PG. I lived in Pacific Grove for many years. I had (have) a home in LA but worked and lived in PG. I miss it.

 

Bill

Edited March 4, 2009 by Spy Car

[Colleen]

I actually don't know many people who use anything other than iceberg lettuce!!!

 

On the other hand, I can't think of the last time I was served iceberg lettuce.:D Maybe at my mom's? But no, even she uses red or green leaf, I think ~ or maybe mixes those in with iceberg.

 

We eat salad maybe once every five or six months?

 

Huh. Whaddya know? I guess it's good I'm getting this feedback, because in all honesty, I seriously would have never, ever thought people eat salad that seldom.:)

[kiana]

Huh. Whaddya know? I guess it's good I'm getting this feedback, because in all honesty, I seriously would have never, ever thought people eat salad that seldom.:)

 

I never touch it unless I'm out to dinner and it's served. I'm not quite sure why ... the texture has always bothered me. I do eat plenty of vegetables from other sources, just not salads!

[Colleen]

If I would have placed that in front of my nephew, he would have picked, rolled his eyes and even huffed a bit.

 

Okay, I was reading along, assuming you were talking about a 4 or 5 year old, but...

 

This child is 14.

 

Maybe not.:D

 

Mom needs to know her choices are now being reflected in her son and his behavior.

 

Yes, the behavior is what struck me as so odd. Even hearing now that some people have seriously never eaten red leaf lettuce as adults, I still don't believe this child wasn't aware that what was sitting before him was salad. I just don't.

 

Since mom asked, I would let her know that it was evident that he is a picky eater and that it was hard for him...I would throw in there that this is a life skill and give her some example of your own children struggling trying something new or in some situation that is uncomfortable. In these situations I try to comiserate on some level while getting across my point.

 

That last part in particular is very good advice; thank you.

[CactusPair]

I am wondering if the mom *really* wants to know if her son showed good manners, or if she was just making that remark casually, to be polite herself, as a kind of joke, or possibly as a voiced rhetorical hope, the kind of hope all parents have when their send kids off as guests. She may not really be expecting an actual response, kwim?

 

I don't know your rapport with this lady. If you think she could handle it without her becoming defensive, hurt, angry, offended, or deeply embarrassed, I'd mention it gently. Maybe in a light-hearted way say that her son really is a picky eater and struggled with keeping his true feelings to himself at the table. If you don't feel confident that she can take it, I wouldn't mention it. I think it's more important to keep friendly relations between the boys going.

 

If the boy comes to your house again, maybe your ds can talk to him privately in a funny, guy-to-guy way about your house rules and not blurting out stuff at the table and disrespecting his mom and hurting her feelings. I don't know if your feelings were really hurt--maybe not-- but I often mention to my own picky son that his table outbursts are not only rude, but could hurt the cook's feelings. Sometimes I'm the cook and sometimes someone else is, but he gets that concept and is sensitive and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. This perspective does help him keep it in check.

 

Hearing this advice from his friend (your ds) might have more of an impact than getting it from his mom, who may be mortified or miffed by his behavior and really go off on him, which can shut kids' listening (and openess to change) down.

 

You, as mom and head cook, could also establish the expected table manners in a firm, but friendly way before bringing the food to table.

 

I have a boy with big food issues, much due to very real sensory struggles. This kid might, too, given his reaction to the perceived "spiciness" of the soup. I wouldn't be too hard on him, though his manners do need maturing. I doubt that mentioning to the mom that her habits of catering to his food needs/preferences would help much as that is a parenting issue, and no one like to have their parenting choices judged by someone else. You know how sticky that can get. She might take it the wrong way. I can tell you as a mom of a kid with a sensory disorder (and a person with sensory issues herself) you do the best you can to meet the challenges each day. Every day, every choice is not a success, but you try.

 

I think your meal sounds divine. I also love the other foods that you said you didn't serve as they might be too alternative. My ds would have loved it all--except the salad. We eat lots of leafy greens, but our kids don't. I don't know any kids who eat salad actually, even the iceberg kind. I think lettuce would actually cause my ds to gag and well, you know. He eats tons of fruits and veggies every day, too. And lots of people have never even eaten a white bean, let alone a soup full of them. I love bean soup! But so many people complain about beans. I don't get it, but it's just a personal thing. Food is very personal, powerful, and political and inspires the most intense reactions. It's a phenomenon to me.

 

So, anyway, I do think that your meal may have seemed *very* strange to a 13 yr. old boy who lives on cheerios and kraft mac n cheese, or whatever. His behavior isn't shocking to me, though I don't condone it. I probably would have laughed it off--an eh, what can you do? kind of thing-- but that's the way I am. My cousins are 13 year old boys (living on chef boyardee) and they're are great kids, but not so polished. Obnoxious? Yes, definitely. But they do not mean offense. They really don't. They just don't get it yet. But they will in time. Already they surprise our family in unexpected ways.

 

This kid may definitely benefit from more practice eating at other people's homes. If it were me, I'd invite him back, if your ds likes him. I'd give him some guidance, try to plan a tolerable meal without bending over backwards and keep giving him chances to adjust and transition to new things. New things and transition are really hard for some kids. I think he needs more practice and and patient, firm, but compassionate and forgiving coaching.

 

This is my 2 cents--well, more like 2 bucks--on the issue.

Good luck with your dilemma.

 

And you sound like a really, really good cook, btw!:001_smile:

 

~ Hope, a fellow bean eater

Edited March 4, 2009 by CactusPair
typos

[Anne Rittenhouse]

As much as your beautifully thought out and presented meal was very simple for your family, please understand that arugula and radicchio might as well come from Mars for a huge majority of people and red leaf lettuce is never served, let alone eaten. Homemade soup is an alien thing and whole-wheat rolls are unheard of items.

 

When I have American guests of any age, whose palates have not matured, I keep it very, very, very simple. I serve baked chicken pieces, unspiced brand name oven fries or French fries and peas or carrots. I make sure there is brand named ketchup on the table as well as white bread and soft butter and jelly. For desert, if I am so inclined, I serve vanilla ice cream.

 

Your guest was not particularly rude, he just was presented with food that was completely unfamiliar to him. I have the following people in my life who are guests at my table every once and awhile..... One who only eats chicken nuggets.... One who only eats boxed mashed potatoes and Campbell's chicken soup noodle soup.... One who will only eat Kraft blue box... A family who refuses any "health food" on the grounds it is not good for you.... And person who travels the world as an executive whose entire diet consists of cold canned spaghetti O’s and diet coke.

 

 

My picky eaters menu is adjusted for each guest. Chicken nuggets are baked, mash is substituted for fries, blue box is laid out as an additional side, and when my special executive guest is here his meal is served cold ungarnished on a plate without comment at the same time the rest of meal is laid on the table. All dishes with the exception of the Spaghetti O's are served family style letting guest take or leave any item.

 

Please remember that sometimes Mums, who are so involved with homeschooling and family/home affairs, are a somewhat self-selective group and we can forget that what is simple normal for us is absolutely foreign for others. Consider what your reaction might have been if lovingly presented with toasted termites, smoked horsemeat, pickled jelly fish, pea and snail soup, or BBQ'd monkey?

 

Your smiling admonishment served only to up the young man's anxiety. You had been fully informed by his mother that her children had specific eating habits and you were informed that vegetables are not served on a regular basis in this child's home. You admit that much in your last paragraph. The mistake here is completely at your feet; you deliberately failed to make a guest in your home comfortable after receiving plenty of instruction of this guest's needs. On top of that you, pointed out your guest's discomfort, admonished him for it, and threatened to tell his mother.

 

Keep the incident to yourself. Devise a "picky eaters menu" that is more in line with potential guests expectations and not yours, and when you see this young man again you owe him an apology for your behavior.

Edited March 5, 2009 by Anne Rittenhouse

[bumbledeb]

As much as your beautifully thought out and presented meal was very simple for your family, please understand that arugula and radicchio might as well come from Mars for a huge majority of people and red leaf lettuce is never served, let alone eaten. Homemade soup is an alien thing and whole-wheat rolls are unheard of items.

 

When I have American guests of any age, whose palates have not matured, I keep it very, very, very simple. I serve baked chicken pieces, unspiced brand name oven fries or French fries and peas or carrots. I make sure there is brand named ketchup on the table as well as white bread and soft butter and jelly. For desert, if I am so inclined, I serve vanilla ice cream.

 

Your guest was not particularly rude, he just was presented with food that was completely unfamiliar to him. I have the following people in my life who are guests at my table every once and awhile..... One who only eats chicken nuggets.... One who only eats boxed mashed potatoes and Campbell's chicken soup noodle soup.... One who will only eat Kraft blue box... A family who refuses any "health food" on the grounds it is not good for you.... And person who travels the world as an executive whose entire diet consists of cold canned spaghetti O’s and diet coke.

 

My picky eaters menu is adjusted for each guest. Chicken nuggets are baked, mash substituted for fries, blue box laided out as an additional side, and when my special executive guest is here his meal is served cold ungarnished on a plate without comment at the same time the rest of meal is laid on the table. All dishes with the exception of the Spaghetti O's are served family style letting guest take or leave any item.

 

Please remember that sometimes Mums, who are so involved with homeschooling and family/home affairs, are a somewhat self-selective group and we can forget that what is simple normal for us is absolutely foreign for others. Consider what your reaction might have been if lovingly presented with toasted termites, smoked horsemeat, pickled jelly fish, pea and snail soup, or BBQ'd monkey?

 

Your smiling admonishment served only to up the young man's anxiety. You had been fully informed by his mother that her children had specific eating habits and you were informed that vegetables are not served on a regular basis in this child's home. You admit that much in your last paragraph. The mistake here is completely at your feet; you deliberately failed to make a guest in your home comfortable after receiving plenty of instruction of this guest's needs. On top of that you, pointed out your guest's discomfort, admonished him for it, and threatened to tell his mother.

 

Keep the incident to yourself. Devise a "picky eaters menu" that is more in line with potential guests expectations and not yours, and when you see this young man again you owe him an apology for your behavior.

 

:iagree:

Sorry, Colleen, but I have to agree with Anne here. There is no doubt the boy showed bad manners and if I was his mother I would feel embarrassed and ashamed. One often overlooked aspect of good manners is that it is VERY bad manners to draw attention to another's bad manners.

[Colleen]

I am wondering if the mom *really* wants to know if her son showed good manners, or if she was just making that remark casually, to be polite herself, as a kind of joke, or possibly as a voiced rhetorical hope, the kind of hope all parents have when their send kids off as guests. She may not really be expecting an actual response, kwim?

 

I think you're right. I've decided I'm not going to say anything to her.

 

I think it's more important to keep friendly relations between the boys going.

 

None of my guys are particularly close with this boy, but I see your point, and I wouldn't want to create a strained situation.

 

I doubt that mentioning to the mom that her habits of catering to his food needs/preferences would help much as that is a parenting issue, and no one like to have their parenting choices judged by someone else.

 

Agreed! Just to clarify, had I said anything (again, I've decided not to), I wouldn't have presented it like this.

 

If it were me, I'd invite him back, if your ds likes him. I'd give him some guidance, try to plan a tolerable meal without bending over backwards and keep giving him chances to adjust and transition to new things.

 

Quite honestly, if soup and salad is perceived as so challenging, I don't know that I'd want to try and figure out what qualifies as a "tolerable" meal.;)

 

Thanks for replying!

[Colleen]

One often overlooked aspect of good manners is that it is VERY bad manners to draw attention to another's bad manners.

 

Yes, that's a good point. I appreciate the replies and have decided not to say anything.

[Colleen]

please understand that arugula and radicchio might as well come from Mars for a huge majority of people

 

I do realize that, as implied in my original post.

 

red leaf lettuce is never served, let alone eaten. Homemade soup is an alien thing and whole-wheat rolls are unheard of items.

 

On the other hand, this isn't true in my experience. I didn't realize, and still don't think, my experience is that unusual, either. Food is a much-discussed topic on this board. It's never been my impression that homemade soup or whole-wheat rolls are wholly alien to the diverse membership here.

 

When I have American guests of any age, whose palates have not matured, I keep it very, very, very simple. I serve baked chicken pieces, unspiced brand name oven fries or French fries and peas or carrots. I make sure there is brand named ketchup on the table as well as white bread and soft butter and jelly.

 

I understand your point, and as I made clear in my original post, I did keep the meal simple as I understand "simple". (On the other hand, my "not simple" might be quite plain in someone else's eyes.) Yet, when having one child or young person at my table for one meal, I'm not going to alter our eating habits to such an extent that I'm buying a bag of groceries we would never otherwise purchase. There has to be a compromise. (And btw, I'm not referring to situations wherein I know ahead of time about someone's special dietary needs, e.g. gluten intolerance, allergies. Or even to those who have preferences such as vegetarian, vegan, etc. In those scenarios, I'm of course not going to serve spinach salad to someone with who's allergic to spinach. I'm not going to serve a pot roast to a family of vegetarians. But imo that is wholly different from simply serving soup and salad to a guest who has no specific needs.)

 

Consider what your reaction might have been if lovingly presented with toasted termites, smoked horsemeat, pickled jelly fish, pea and snail soup, or BBQ'd monkey?

 

This is a ridiculous analogy. I'm talking here about serving soup, salad, and a roll ~ foods that in one variation or another can be found on nearly every restaurant menu in this country. While I understand (now) that beans in soup or red leaf lettuce may not be the norm for some people, the foods themselves are traditional to our culture. The same can't be said of monkey and termites. (Btw, I was presented with horse and I ate it just as I'd eat any other meat.)

 

You had been fully informed by his mother that her children had specific eating habits and you were informed that vegetables are not served on a regular basis in this child's home.

 

No, I wasn't. You misunderstood me. I knew NOTHING about this boy's eating habits prior to his visit to our home; everything I mentioned in my last paragraph was relayed to me after the fact. To assert that I received "instructions" as to his needs is wholly inaccurate.

 

On top of that you, pointed out your guest's discomfort, admonished him for it, and threatened to tell his mother.

 

Mmm, well, that's one way of putting it. My comment was light-hearted (which is why I earlier said I expressed it in a smiling tone); it was far from "threatening".

 

when you see this young man again you owe him an apology for your behavior.

 

No, I don't. But I appreciate your reply; you and others have helped me come to a decision on this, and I won't mention it to my friend. Thank you!

Edited March 4, 2009 by Colleen

[Laura Corin]

I don't know any kids who eat salad actually, even the iceberg kind.

 

Hobbes loves all kinds of salad; Calvin likes raw veggies but is not keen on the texture of lettuce and other leaves. If leaf salad was offered to him from a bowl, he would say 'No thank you,' but if it was already on his plate he'd eat it.

 

Laura

[Aggie]

Couple of thoughts here...

 

My very refined, mature, polite 13yodd can be a completely different person when I'm not around, from what I've heard. It seems an audience brings out another side of her, for some reason. And I can see our 7yods being even more so like this....I'm sure he would act like a complete barbarian if I weren't there to remind him to come up for a breath during meals.

 

Like a pp, you described my nephew. He has no concept of trying anything new, nor keeping his feelings to himself when he doesn't like the meal, which is all the time. My sister does not prepare a variety of meals, and what she does serve is on the less-than-healthy side. The joke here is that L likes a bit of salad with his ranch dressing. And no vegetables. Don't even ask him to try anything new without drama. Since he lives close and can eat over any time, I now only invite him for meals that I know he'll eat. He has, through our one bite policy, discovered a few new meals over here that he loves. His mom is surprised, too! It drives me crazy to watch him nit-pick at his plate, not try anything new, and be the king of drama.

 

Oh, and my sister has *always* prepared special meals for her dc if she doesn't think they'll like what she and her dh are having. When we were visiting them 5years ago, I watched her fix her ds 2 different kinds of sandwiches, mac and cheese, and something else at *one* meal. He said he wanted pb&j, she fixed it, he didn't eat it. Then she asked if he wanted mac&cheese, so she fixed that. He didn't eat it. So she fixed another sandwich, which he declined. He finally ate the last thing she set in front of him. I couldn't believe my eyes. Pickiness can sure be taught!:lol:

 

When my sis inquires as to his manners, I'll laughingly tell her what went on. My dc aren't perfect, either, but I want the opportunity to correct behavior, ya know? At least if she has the info, it's her choice as to correct or not. What I might find appalling could be completely normal to her. I guess it would depend on my relationship with the mom as to whether I would say anything or not.

 

The next time an opportunity came up for this young man to dine at our home, I would tell him ahead of time, "We're having xyz, which my kids love. It's green, purple, and not spicy. I don't have any pb&j right now. Would you like to join us?"

 

My dc can be like locusts at a meal. They'll descend on the table and finish off *everything* if I don't remind them of their manners. :lol:

 

As for bringing attention to bad manners, I surely wouldn't point out to another adult his/her bad manners. However, when my dc are away from home and exhibit bad manners, I hope another adult, in my stead, corrects them gently.

 

I must say, Anne, you are certainly a much more gracious hostess than I would ever be! Where I can see serving an adult, who is flying in from overseas, a can of chef-barf-o-dee, just so we can visit, I can't imagine too many times I would serve chicken nuggets to children anymore than I would serve a child alcohol. I'm not saying I would NEVER, just that circumstances would have to be dire, that's for sure. It is certainly your choice to cater to individual tastes, and I'm sure your guests are very appreciative. I just wouldn't do it under normal circumstances.

 

On the contrary, if we are guests in someone's home, if we have accepted an invitation, we adapt to their tastes. I wouldn't expect special food just as I wouldn't expect a special plate or only a certain type of chair. If they served chicken nuggets topped with fried monkey brains with a side of termites, we would eat that and be thankful, certainly not request anything that would require they go out of their way.

 

I am trying to teach my dc they are not the center of everyone's world. Mine, yes.:001_smile: And if they do have the opportunity to try termites, they take a bite. If they don't like the taste, they don't say anything. If someone inquires, they may say sweetly, "It's not my taste, but thank you." Then, hopefully, they politely, quietly, wait for the next meal. In reality, 7yods would be commenting loudly on the meal in earshot of everyone!:lol:

[LNC]

I tell people my son with autism and mild mr is a picky eater, and we bring his food if necessary.

 

I have clearly explained to my other children to eat everthing with a smile and thanks. My 9yo daughter hates tomatos at home, and I leave them out of her serving. Last summer, She ate a tomato salad (from an abundance of home grown tomatoes) at a friend's house. She said it was hard, but she made sure to smile and eat every bite as quickly as her friend did.

 

They have rarely eaten at friend's homes. They take a summer trip to their grandparents with my husband every year. Gramma tests them regularly on their abilities with a wide variety of organic vegetables and health foods/drinks. Think brussel sprouts and kombucha for lunch. But, they don't have a lot of practice in this.

 

So, I would want to know. But, I'm sensitive and I would want to know as simply and graciously as possible. His fanning and all the drama would scar me permanently :).

[Ria]

Well, I must say that I'm totally flummoxed by the replies in this thread. Am I understanding this correctly? People really find a salad, soup, and a wheat roll to be alien foodstuffs? We have soup, salad, and bread once or twice a week. It never once occurred to me that this would be considered adventurous eating. LOL.

 

My kids would have been right at home.

 

ETA: I'm not talking about kids with sensory or other issues here. Just generalized eating patterns.

 

Ria

[Dooley]

I havent read all the posts but...

 

At thanksgiving, we spent it with our friends and families. My girlfriend has 2 teenage sons. I found out as we were going home, that these boys (who we have grown up with) spent a great deal of time talking about s*xual matters with my two teen girls, in front of my two younger kids. I was furious. At the time, I wanted my husband to speak to their dad. I didnt especially want to say anything to my friend, partly because I was outraged, and she would be hurt and probably defend the boys in some way. My dh never did talk to their dad. I eventually calmed down and decided that really, the best way to handle this was to not let them get together anymore, not let these boys be alone with my girls. My friend WILL notice and at that point, I can, in a calmer state and with greater ease, relay what happened.

 

I know this doesnt "quite" relate to your situation, except to say that since you didnt say anything at the time, there will be another opportunity later, yes? And then you will have been able to resolve your feelings in your mind and decide what is important and what is not. Will it hurt your friend, is what the boy did worth it, can you just not have him over for dinner....stuff like that.

[always cookin']

My daughter (age 10) would have been one of those kids who picked at the food instead of eating it. She has issues, the kind with medical labels about textures and foods. She wouldn't do salad. She doesn't do beans of any kind. She would have eaten all the rolls she could reach though. She probably would NOT have tried to be rude about it, although it my have come across that way. We work very hard on being nice to the cook (me!!!). This isn't to excuse the boy's rudeness, just to say that sometimes it isn't the parent's fault about the child and the pickiness. I didn't make her picky by catering to her food issues. I kept her alive by feeding her what she would eat.

 

 

This is my dd (10) as well. I serve a variety of foods which my other children eat. She has sensory issues, and I can't make her eat anything. I tried for too long. It is hard to go to other places to eat. I have turned down dinner invitations when I know that the host will expect my kids to eat what is served. Honestly, I wouldn't have understood either before I dealt with this in my dd. I would have felt the way you do.

 

The child at your house was rude though. My daughter would never have acted that way. We have discussed at length how this comes across to people. I probably would not have sent her to dinner at your house. If she was in that situation, she would not have eaten.

[TraceyS/FL]

My SIL had never seen a vegetable served (aside from frozen corn) until she was at a friends house in her late teens. She told me this last year.

 

AND, this is a child that was living in an Ag community where veggies were always found. However, my MIL lived at the HOstess Bakery Store and they lived on ho-ho's and twinkies. Is it any surprise that of the 5 people in that family, 4 are type 2?

 

So it's totally believable.....

 

My kids won't eat many veggies right now, why? Because their father refuses to eat anything but corn.

 

I can't fix this problem until he isn't here in the house to influence it.....

[fivetails]

Well, I must say that I'm totally flummoxed by the replies in this thread. Am I understanding this correctly? People really find a salad, soup, and a wheat roll to be alien foodstuffs?

 

People have different eating habits - families serve different foods, different meals are "normal" in different homes. The KIND of salad, soup, and roll makes a difference - you'd never see the exact meal that Colleen served in our house because dh and dd12 wouldn't touch that soup with a ten foot pole. (Not that it wouldn't be good - just that they both despise beans of ANY sort)..ds10 would likely eat it...I wouldn't, but that's because there's chicken in it and I'm a vegetarian - minus that chicken and I bet I'd love it cuz I love bean anything. :D

 

 

 

About the original kid - well, I would prolly not say anything to the mom this time...mainly because this was (if I understand correctly?) the first time this kid came for a meal, right? I'd give him another chance - he may have been nervous, showing off because of it, that sorta thing..it happens. :)

[unsinkable]

So we sit down to eat and this boy stares wide-eyed at his salad plate. He then asks, in a dumbfounded tone, "What is this?" I stared back at him. "What do you mean, 'What is this?' It's salad." He looks at the plate. Then at me. Then at the plate. I ask, "You don't eat salad at your house?" To which he responds, "Uhhh, not much."

 

This reminds me of a time when my dh had a young (18) co-worker over for dinner. He had told dh that he loved green beans. I served steamed, fresh green beans...they were beautiful bright green.

 

He stared at them and asked what they were! It turned out he had never had anything other than canned green beans.

 

He loved the fresh, steamed ones though. He was the kind of eater that you made me feel like the best cook in th world.

[runninmommy]

Not long ago, a 12 yo boy who had never been at our home before had a meal with us. I had a hunch this child wasn't going to be a diverse eater, so to speak, so I made a point of not serving anything unusual. While things like tofu, kale, and chard are par for the course here, I'm aware they're outside the box to a lot of people. The meal, then, was simply soup and salad, with a whole-grain roll. When everyone sat down to the meal, the salad was already on a salad plate. Normally, we just put out a big bowl of salad, but I just happened to put it on individual plates this day. I didn't think anything of it because, well, it was just salad. And not "strange" salad, mind you. We often eat mixed greens, arugula, radicchio, and so on, but this was just regular ol' red leaf lettuce. A step up from iceberg, in other words.

 

So we sit down to eat and this boy stares wide-eyed at his salad plate. He then asks, in a dumbfounded tone, "What is this?" I stared back at him. "What do you mean, 'What is this?' It's salad." He looks at the plate. Then at me. Then at the plate. I ask, "You don't eat salad at your house?" To which he responds, "Uhhh, not much."

 

Ah, okay. I get (kinda sorta) that not everyone eats a ton of salad. No biggie. But seriously. A kid who's nearing 13 years old acting like he doesn't even KNOW what salad is? That's just ridiculous. I said to him in a smiling tone, "Well, you certainly don't need to eat it, but I guarantee you your mom wouldn't be real thrilled about the way you're acting right now."

 

Next, the soup. It was a white bean-and-chicken thing. Again, nothing fancy. Nothing weird in there. In fact, it really can't get any more plain. The recipe calls for jalapeno peppers, and I omit those. Most of my family ~ including dh and me ~ are total wimps about hot-spicy stuff. (What can I say? We're Swiss and German.;)) A lot of people would probably think our food is on the bland side, in that respect. But this boy proceeds to eat his soup in the following manner: Take one small spoonful. Breathe in and out dramatically, fanning face with hand. Take large gulp of water. Repeat. And so on. Now, again, I understand that we all have different reactions to different foods. But, aside from the fact that this soup was as plain as it gets (salt and pepper were the ONLY seasonings in there), this whole drama was beyond annoying. Needless to say, the whole wheat roll went untouched.

 

This was so bothersome to me at the time; I didn't enjoy the meal thanks to his behavior. Later, I found the humor in it, thanks to my own boys. They were totally flummoxed that someone would act like that ~ even asking what the salad was. My guys eat anything, and my biggest concern when they go to someone else's home is that they'll just keep taking more. I have to remind them of the fact that just because more food is there doesn't mean they have to finish it all off.:D Not every kid is going to be like that. I get that. I've ahd kids here who picked at their food and so on. But to act like this? At his age? I'm seriously wondering if I should mention this to his mom.

 

So that's my question. Would you want to know if your child ~ not a small child, but one nearing 13 ~ behaved like this? His mom has said to me that her boys aren't adventurous eaters. They always wanted their food separated on the kiddie plates that offer different sections, etc. (Which imo is one way to contribute to pickiness.) She laughingly told me that her son said if/when we eat at their home, they need to have a lot of vegetables. (Huh? Because we had salad here?) And she said she hoped he was polite here at dinner. Well, he wasn't, imo. At all. But does she genuinely want to hear that? Would you? And if I do mention it, what should I say?

 

I'm sorry but I really don't see anything overly "rude" about this child's behaviour. Not enough to be bothered by it or let it ruin my meal. I have had children say, "This looks gross" or "We don't eat this at our house" My response? "Would you like an apple?"

 

If the child was disrespectful, used bad words, was insulting yes I would want to know. This particular boy's reaction does not seem like a big deal at all. Could he have had perfect manners? Sure, but he is still a kid and they do not always act or react the way we expect.

[ChristusG]

I probably would not say anything to mom. I'm a very picky eater, always have been. At 12 years old, I would not have eaten anything that you served. Even now at my current age, I would have only eaten the roll. I didnt learn to enjoy salads until I was 20 years old, and I only like plain iceberg ones at that. I didnt start eating anything whole grain till my early twenties either. And soup, I still do not like.

 

I really think he was just being a kid. He didnt seem to say anything rude. The eating, fanning mouth, and gulping water may have been a bit over the top, but he's 12. When I was 12, if you had smilingly admonished me about the food, I would have been extremely embarassed and probably hiding tears. I was very shy and didnt like to be admonished by adults.

 

So I really think he was just being a kid.....one who has not been exposed to different kinds of foods. I think it is great that your family can eat such a wide variety of things. I wish I could. But not everyone does.

[Marie in Oh]

My kids are really good eaters. The meal you made Colleen would be normal in our home. However, I know it would not be in 90% of my children's friends' homes. (Did I get the apostrophes right there? :lol:)

 

We have a regular flow of children here ages 8- 11 for meals, either lunch or dinner.

 

Almost every Friday night we have one of my son's Wieblo friends here as they are finishing their Cub Scout requirements to go to Boy Scouts this spring. Said boy is 10 and doesn't eat well at all. I usually make homemade pizza which I know he will eat, but we often will have veggie loaded pizza (I also make chese) with a salad on the side. When served salad he picks out all the other veggies, drowns the lettuce in ranch and eats a couple of bites.

 

Ds's best friend is also not an "adventurous" eater. But I know why. When ds goes there, he says she doesn't really cook and when she does, it comes from a box or bag. You get my dirft. Homemade soup and bread is weird to him.

 

My oldest dd's friends are not much better. When we had one of them over night, I served homemeade blueberry muffins, scrambled eggs, and a fruit salad for breakfast. She took two bites of muffin, picked out what she liked out of the fruit salad, and didn't take any eggs. This is a 10 year old girl.

 

I do not talk to their parents except for the passing comment that they might be hungry when they get home as they didn't eat much here. I let it go and then am internally thankful that my kids have been consistantly offered good food. Most kids are consistanly offered alot of junk, so that is all they will eat. I am not talking about food sensitive children-- just every day kids who aren't expected to like vegies so they don't eat them.

 

My kids enjoy the shock factor when they tell other kids and their parents the things they love- sushi is one of their favorites and I make it regularly. They shake their heads at their firends. However, I still have to talk to them about being gracious at others' homes but for opposite reasons-- my son will come home and say that he had to endure a grilled cheese with fake cheese and he has a long discussion with his best friend's mom when he asked for butter for his Biquick made pancake and she gave him a tub of Country Crock. She told me later that he informed her that margarine was not butter and the hydroginated oils were bad for you. :lol: I told him that he should graciously accept what is given to him elsewhere.

 

Your sons' friend is not really all that wierd in my experience. It is a sad reality that he is proabably more normal and ours would be weird.

Edited March 4, 2009 by Marie in Oh

[Jumping In Puddles]

My kids' picky neighbor friend did the same thing with similar "basic" food. Actually, it was bow tie pasta with butter and Parmigiano cheese with peas and sauteed chicken. :eek: HOW CAN FOOD BE MORE BASIC THAN THAT? :lol:

 

Now, when we order a pizza, I call his mom and ask if the boy would like to come over and have pizza with us. :lol:

[MamaT]

It's one thing to be a picky eater and not eat everything served, it's another thing entirely to act so rudely. I personally would want to know if one of my children acted this way at someone else's home.

 

It would depend on my relationship with the mother of the boy whether or not I spoke up. If she is a close friend, I would say something. If not, I would just try to get the boys together in ways that did not involve meals. Was he rude in other ways while at your home, or just during the meal. If he was just rude in general, I'm not sure I would have him over again.

 

BTW I also cannot understand how soup, salad, and a roll could be foreign things to eat to anyone???

[Snickerdoodle]

When he asked, "What is that?" why is that rude? Maybe I'm missing something, but I have been to many houses for dinner and have asked what it is I'm eating. If I don't know what it is, why is it rude to ask?

[Harriet Vane]

I couldn't disagree more with the posters who think you should apologize to the kid.

 

Yes, I think a 13yo is capable of better behavior.

 

I think it's fine that you spoke to him the way that you did. I have done so myself under similar circumstances. My 5 young cousins stay with us overnight at least one night a week, often more. They are unbelievably picky eaters, and their father caters to their preferences 100%. Especially since these kids are with our family so frequently, there is no way I can shop for the expensive, unhealthy packaged foods they prefer (chicken nuggets, etc.). It's not just a matter of cost, either. I feel strongly that they need to have better manners about eating what their hostess has prepared for them. I do try very, very hard to serve foods they like each and every time they are over.

 

When the kids start complaining, moaning, flopping around, I simply talk to them, smilingly but firmly. They are children, and they obviously need some coaching in this area. I might say something along the lines of, "In my house, we don't hurt the cook's feelings. You don't have to like the food, but you do have to eat a little bit without complaining." If I had a young guest who was not a part-time member of my family as these cousins are, the only variation on my admonishment is that I wouldn't require them to eat it. However, I wouldn't provide an alternative either.

 

Having said all that, I applaud your decision not to talk to his mother about it. I usually reserve such discussions for Really Huge Problems, like lying or stealing. I have found that many, many parents coddle picky eating--I don't understand that perspective, and don't get into long involved discussions about it. (The obvious exception to which I am totally sympathetic is when a kid has legitimate physical/sensory issues, allergies, or intolerances.)

 

I will add that my own dd started life as a picky eater. The only catering I have ever done for that was to leave things plain if possible. For example, if I served fish with a sauce, I might leave the sauce off for her. However, dd has always been required to eat what she is given. The portions I serve my kids to start with are fairly small--they eat what they have been given, and then are free to fill up on seconds of whatever portion of the meal they liked best.

 

The result of our policy towards food is that my formerly picky eater will now willingly eat almost anything, and even likes/enjoys some really far-out stuff. Like you, we eat salad daily. I make what my kids call "weird gourmet food" all the time, and living in a large city, we also have the benefit of easy access to food from virtually any country in the world. My formerly picky eater will eat sushi, dim sum, Indian vegetarian concoctions . . . the list goes on.

[Erica in PA]

Not long ago, a 12 yo boy who had never been at our home before had a meal with us. I had a hunch this child wasn't going to be a diverse eater, so to speak, so I made a point of not serving anything unusual. While things like tofu, kale, and chard are par for the course here, I'm aware they're outside the box to a lot of people. The meal, then, was simply soup and salad, with a whole-grain roll. When everyone sat down to the meal, the salad was already on a salad plate. Normally, we just put out a big bowl of salad, but I just happened to put it on individual plates this day. I didn't think anything of it because, well, it was just salad. And not "strange" salad, mind you. We often eat mixed greens, arugula, radicchio, and so on, but this was just regular ol' red leaf lettuce. A step up from iceberg, in other words.

 

So we sit down to eat and this boy stares wide-eyed at his salad plate. He then asks, in a dumbfounded tone, "What is this?" I stared back at him. "What do you mean, 'What is this?' It's salad." He looks at the plate. Then at me. Then at the plate. I ask, "You don't eat salad at your house?" To which he responds, "Uhhh, not much."

 

Ah, okay. I get (kinda sorta) that not everyone eats a ton of salad. No biggie. But seriously. A kid who's nearing 13 years old acting like he doesn't even KNOW what salad is? That's just ridiculous. I said to him in a smiling tone, "Well, you certainly don't need to eat it, but I guarantee you your mom wouldn't be real thrilled about the way you're acting right now."

 

Next, the soup. It was a white bean-and-chicken thing. Again, nothing fancy. Nothing weird in there. In fact, it really can't get any more plain. The recipe calls for jalapeno peppers, and I omit those. Most of my family ~ including dh and me ~ are total wimps about hot-spicy stuff. (What can I say? We're Swiss and German.;)) A lot of people would probably think our food is on the bland side, in that respect. But this boy proceeds to eat his soup in the following manner: Take one small spoonful. Breathe in and out dramatically, fanning face with hand. Take large gulp of water. Repeat. And so on. Now, again, I understand that we all have different reactions to different foods. But, aside from the fact that this soup was as plain as it gets (salt and pepper were the ONLY seasonings in there), this whole drama was beyond annoying. Needless to say, the whole wheat roll went untouched.

 

This was so bothersome to me at the time; I didn't enjoy the meal thanks to his behavior. Later, I found the humor in it, thanks to my own boys. They were totally flummoxed that someone would act like that ~ even asking what the salad was. My guys eat anything, and my biggest concern when they go to someone else's home is that they'll just keep taking more. I have to remind them of the fact that just because more food is there doesn't mean they have to finish it all off.:D Not every kid is going to be like that. I get that. I've ahd kids here who picked at their food and so on. But to act like this? At his age? I'm seriously wondering if I should mention this to his mom.

 

So that's my question. Would you want to know if your child ~ not a small child, but one nearing 13 ~ behaved like this? His mom has said to me that her boys aren't adventurous eaters. They always wanted their food separated on the kiddie plates that offer different sections, etc. (Which imo is one way to contribute to pickiness.) She laughingly told me that her son said if/when we eat at their home, they need to have a lot of vegetables. (Huh? Because we had salad here?) And she said she hoped he was polite here at dinner. Well, he wasn't, imo. At all. But does she genuinely want to hear that? Would you? And if I do mention it, what should I say?

 

No, I wouldn't say anything. For me to say something to a child's mother about food-related stuff, he'd have to outright said something rude like, "This stuff is horrible!! I can't believe you people actually eat this stuff!" Or something like that. It sounds to me more like he just didn't hide his feelings about the food well enough, which is upsetting to the host, I know, but not unusual for a child, kwim? Many kids have a hard time hiding their true feelings to be polite. I think probably what bothered you most is that he didn't actually *like* the food, which he can't really help. He's obviously not used to eating that type of food, so it makes sense that it wouldn't taste good to him. So I would just let it go. I probably wouldn't be eager to have him over again for a meal, just knowing that his food preferences are so different from your family's, but I don't think it requires a talk with his mother.

[Catherine]

Are they actual friends, or more acquaintances? I had a good friend, whose son was friends with my son. Over many years, she has made a point to telling me, after every single visit, a laundry list of all of my son's bad behavior. Including things like he helped himself to food from their refridgerator (he had been invited to by the friend, but she did not know that). I am well aware that this child has had his flaws. I'm doing the best I can. After one of her other boys did something truly bad, involving drugs, she ended the friendship-I think she no longer thought she had the upper hand as the "better" mom.

 

I tell this long tale to point out that there is a difference between actual concern for the welfare of a good friend's kid, and being a mean busybody. Yes, I want my boys to be polite. If they are not, I guess I want to hear about it-in a kind, sympathetic way, not in a judging, why-are-you-such-a-bad-mom way.

[SnowWhite]

Yes, Colleen, your meal was "weird food" to many Americans. Soup and salad are courses that rarely enter the menu in many homes. Rolls, of course are commonplace but in many homes are always white.

 

I think the boy made a valiant effort to eat the soup. The comical reaction may have been partly his way of trying to see the humor in the situation. He's hungry, there's only "weird food" to eat, so this was his way of coping.

 

I would never dare to put any food on a guest's plate before asking if they would care for any.

 

I try to *ask* the parents of children in my home what types of food appeal to them. It is part of being a kind hostess. It is not my job to educate my friends or their children about what is appropriate food.

 

We have a family coming over on Saturday for a meal. Dh mentioned the son is autistic and the family has had great luck with going with "eliminating some kind of flour or something from his diet". Since I am pretty "up" on autism, I suspect he's on a gluten free diet. So I asked dh to get recommendations for the meal. The response was, "Oh, anything is okay so long as it doesn't contain flour", but dh said, I did find out they also don't eat beef or fish, so you better fix grilled chicken and veggies.

 

This is just good manners on my part, IMO. I want the family to feel welcome in my home, so I will fix something they will eat. Yes, I might very well go out and buy something specifically for that meal. Even if it were just one child visiting.

 

If the child you describe were visiting my home, I would have been beyond mortified that he did not find anything on the table he could eat. I would have offered peanut butter and jelly, or crackers, or even scrambled eggs. IMO that is part of being a good hostess- catering to the desires of my guests. It is my job to make the child's visit pleasant, not the child's job to make my hosting experience pleasant.

 

Now, if my sons were at a meal where red lettuce was on the plate (I have personally never seen red lettuce period, except perhaps as a garnish in a mixed salad), they would have suddenly been "not hungry". One of them would have taken a few bites of the soup, and perhaps have liked it. The other would have remained not hungry but would have perhaps tried a roll. He won't touch soup, but at least he's only 4. No, I don't cater to them the way I do to guests, but I do try to have at least one thing on the table I know they will eat.

[katemary63]

 

That's interesting. So the only green salad you ever eat, if at all, is iceberg? I admit, I have a really hard time conceiving of lettuce as being off the normal range.:) Thanks for your reply, btw!

 

Ya know, I didn't even KNOW there were other kinds of lettuce until I got married and started shoping on my own and going to nicer restaurants and getting better quality salads. I never buy iceberg now, but at 13, other "lettuce" would have been foreign to me.

 

I probably wouldn't say anything to the mother. Awkward moments like that tend to leave a lasting uncomfortable feeling for some people. IF this mom has tried to teach her son eating manners at other's homes and he simply doesn't follow them, then what good what it do? She has tried, but at 13, he just doesn't care.

 

If she has never instructed her kids in how to behave at someone else's home, then SHE is the one who would be uncomfortable. Of course if you know her really well, then by all means, tell her in the gentle ways others have mentioned. But if she is just an aquaintance, then I wouldn't mention it. I WOULD gently instruct the kid if he were a guest again.

 

BTW: I really don't think ALL eating pickiness is due to family menus or lenient parenting. I have 4 kids, 2 who will eat anything, 2 who hardly eat anything - all raised the same, offered a large variety of foods growing up and made to taste almost everything we served at each meal. My DD7 WILL throw up if you make her eat beans. :confused: My DS22 is the pickiest of all. Good thing he met a girl who is also a picky eater. They get along great! I just worry about their future kids! I don't see vegetables being served in their house EVER!

 

ps. Funny, the 2 pickies look like each other too! I honestly think it is part genetic.

 

pss. I know this is dumb, but also amusing so I'll expose myself. When I make lasagna, I make 3 seperate 8X8 pans. 1. with ricotta, zuccini and mushrooms ( For me and DD17 and DD23), 2. no ricotta, with zuccini and mushrooms ( for DH, he gets his own pan!), 3. with ricotta, no zuccini, no mushrooms ( for DS22 and his girlfriend) DD7 gets some left over noodles w/ a tiny amount of sauce and a spoonfull of the gound beef, plain and seperate of course! :001_smile:

 

psss. If any of my kids didn't politely eat at least some of what they were served as guests in someone else's home, I'd beat the tar out of them ( figuratively speaking!) and they know it. To my knowledge, it has never happened.

[kalanamak]

But does she genuinely want to hear that? Would you? And if I do mention it, what should I say?

 

I'm betting she knows already. I would want to know if he was loud, mean, a jerk, but I have found that there are people who are extremely emotional about food. Given the kiddy plate, etc. she knows, and I wouldn't bother to mention it.

[bumbledeb]

Looks like we all agree that it is good if people will eat as wide a variety of foods as possible, and include as many portions of vegetables as possible.

 

It is also good when people exhibit polite behaviour, consideration for their host, and acceptable table manners.

 

I think most of us agree that it is up to a person's parents to bring about these behaviours in their children.

 

I think it is inappropriate to try to train other people's children, most especially when they are guests in our home.

 

Our own manners we have control over. Having guests is a good opportunity to practice our good manners. This would, in my opinion, include not drawing attention to our guests' ignorance.

 

When I have guests I try to make sure they will enjoy the food I prepare. I would immediately try to offer an acceptable alternative if I thought my guest was not enjoying their meal.

 

I hope the age of my guest would not make any difference to my manners.

[Hillary in KS]

Unless I knew her *very* well (well enough that we regularly exchange this sort of information about our children), I wouldn't tell her.

 

*I* would want to know, if it were my own child. But I'm not a good enough guesser to be able to know how someone else would react.

 

Were I you, I probably wouldn't have him over to dinner anytime soon. But if he were over again, I'd probably gently try to explain to him (privately) how to try new foods without the drama.

 

I'm kind of curious, though. Did your boys say anything to him about his behavior? Sometimes a little peer pressure behind the scenes can be helpful. ("Dude, what was that? Do you NOT know how to eat soup? Really?") :tongue_smilie:

[Annie G]

I have a 14 year old ds. Salad, soup, and a whole wheat roll that *I* serve would be eaten with relish. However, if someone else made it, he would be hesitant. He knows how I cook food and he's had enough food at potlucks (they call them that for a reason!) to know that some food isn't going to taste like mine.

His thing would be that as a guest, he's on the spot and if he doesn't care for something, it's going to be a focus. That makes him uncomfortable...just because HE doesn't care for the soup doesn't mean it's bad but he feels awful if he's asked whether he likes something and he says no.

On the flip side, when having kids here, we usually have things that the kids can assemble or choose themselves. No casseroles or soups/stews because there is too much potential that there is something in there a kid doesn't like. Tacos are a favorite standby because everyone can customize.

Our ds has been the topic of discussion at many cookouts because he doesn't eat hamburgers or hot dogs. Ever. He tried a burger once (when he was about 10) and doesn't care for them. So even 'normal' foods can be rejected and he's quite tired of being in the spotlight for it. He just eats what he does like and doesn't expect anyone to provide special food for him.

[mrsdash]

My children (17,14,7,7) would have all eaten that meal, all probably liked it and it's pretty normal food at my house as well.I would safely venture a guess that my 2 older girls would have asked for your soup recipe. I buy and prepare a huge variety of foods and thats the reason for this, along with many discussions on how to behave at the dinner table.

Would I have noticed and been annoyed at that boys behavior? Yes, as would my children have been, I'm sure. Would I have mentioned it to his mom? Naw, probably not. If he acts that way at someones house, he acts like that at home,too and his mom is probably aware of who and how he is.

Would I want to know if it were my children? Absolutely! But we've gone over table manners to the point where it's a non-issue. They don't announce it if they don't like something. If they are asked, they may say something like "it's not my favorite" but they will not make an issue of it in any way...esp. at 12 yrs. old.

We eat salad here- tons of it, almost daily. I also watch children during the day and a few weeks ago, I made a salad for me for lunch and one of the children looked at it and said "we don't eat leaves at my house". I just said "oh, ok". It just wasn't worth it to me. My kids smiled.

[jamnkats]

As much as your beautifully thought out and presented meal was very simple for your family, please understand that arugula and radicchio might as well come from Mars for a huge majority of people and red leaf lettuce is never served, let alone eaten. Homemade soup is an alien thing and whole-wheat rolls are unheard of items.

 

When I have American guests of any age, whose palates have not matured, I keep it very, very, very simple. I serve baked chicken pieces, unspiced brand name oven fries or French fries and peas or carrots. I make sure there is brand named ketchup on the table as well as white bread and soft butter and jelly. For desert, if I am so inclined, I serve vanilla ice cream.

 

Your guest was not particularly rude, he just was presented with food that was completely unfamiliar to him. I have the following people in my life who are guests at my table every once and awhile..... One who only eats chicken nuggets.... One who only eats boxed mashed potatoes and Campbell's chicken soup noodle soup.... One who will only eat Kraft blue box... A family who refuses any "health food" on the grounds it is not good for you.... And person who travels the world as an executive whose entire diet consists of cold canned spaghetti O’s and diet coke.

 

My picky eaters menu is adjusted for each guest. Chicken nuggets are baked, mash substituted for fries, blue box laided out as an additional side, and when my special executive guest is here his meal is served cold ungarnished on a plate without comment at the same time the rest of meal is laid on the table. All dishes with the exception of the Spaghetti O's are served family style letting guest take or leave any item.

 

Please remember that sometimes Mums, who are so involved with homeschooling and family/home affairs, are a somewhat self-selective group and we can forget that what is simple normal for us is absolutely foreign for others. Consider what your reaction might have been if lovingly presented with toasted termites, smoked horsemeat, pickled jelly fish, pea and snail soup, or BBQ'd monkey?

 

Your smiling admonishment served only to up the young man's anxiety. You had been fully informed by his mother that her children had specific eating habits and you were informed that vegetables are not served on a regular basis in this child's home. You admit that much in your last paragraph. The mistake here is completely at your feet; you deliberately failed to make a guest in your home comfortable after receiving plenty of instruction of this guest's needs. On top of that you, pointed out your guest's discomfort, admonished him for it, and threatened to tell his mother.

 

Keep the incident to yourself. Devise a "picky eaters menu" that is more in line with potential guests expectations and not yours, and when you see this young man again you owe him an apology for your behavior.

 

I agree. I really don't see what was so wrong with his reaction - strange though it was - I can't see the "rude" in it. He was shocked and out of his element. I also never would have served a guest (or my family). I always let them serve themselves. I think I would have done grilled cheese. I can only imagine how yummy your chesse must be!

[unsinkable]

Soup and salad are not American?

 

Are you kidding me?

 

Tomato soup and grilled cheese?

 

Chicken noodle soup and peanut butter?

 

Clam chowder?

 

Chef's salad, side salad, caesar salad, cobb salad?

 

Perhaps the look of the salad and soup are not what the boy was used to, but soup and salad in different forms are staples in America.

[Marylou]

Tracey, I hope this doesn't make you feel worse, but corn is a grain!

[Snickerdoodle]

Consider what your reaction might have been if lovingly presented with toasted termites, smoked horsemeat, pickled jelly fish, pea and snail soup, or BBQ'd monkey?

 

 

That's why I asked earlier why it was rude to ask what it was he was eating. I usually ask if I don't know, but one time I didn't ask and found out after the meal that I had eaten dog. Dog from the pound. :001_huh:

[AuntPol]

At that age, that food would have been foreign to me. I think the "norm" for most people I know is meat, starch, veggie, roll. IN my house, it's meat starch and or bread, veggie or fruit, and salad. Often the meat and starch are together (spaghetti and sauce lol or casserole) and sometimes not. While we have some sort of salad almost every night, most people I know don't eat salad except at a restaurant. Soup and beans is also something people tend to be picky about.

 

 

I was extremely picky until I went to college. I don't consider myself that picky now but I will not eat tofu, chard, any seafood, anything seasoned with rosemary, turnips, or brussel sprouts but will eat most anything else. Side note: I don't eat hard boiled eggs either but everyone says I make the best deviled eggs they ever had (i've never tried them but they are an aphrodesiac for my husband lol). My husband won't eat any cooked vegetable but corn which of course makes it hard to get kids to eat vegetables. My daughter won't eat meat, lettuce, beans, green beans, or any sauces. My son won't eat any fruit but apples and watermelon, mashed potatoes, won't eat tomatoes or cucumbers and is just starting to eat spaghetti sauce and hamburger helper type of mixed foods. All four of us have sensory integration issues. We've had two of my husband's friends live with us at times. One would not eat any casseroles and had to have food not touching on plate. The other thought that black pepper was too spicy! Really, he could not handle the heat of black pepper. So this kid could have genuinely thought it too spicy.

 

That said, my most of my kids friends are pickier than my kids. I usually just make or order a cheese pizza when we have kids over (except for the kid that doesn't like pizza and then I bake chicken and have egg noodles and a veggie tray).

 

I don't think it's rude to ask what a salad is. If you don't eat them or have only had the regular iceberg kind that 90% of America eats, you wouldn't know. (We don't do iceberg but do do red leaf, green leaf or romaine -hate argula). Normally I make a bowl of greens and put all the salad toppings on a tray and set out several types of dressings. My daughter doesn't eat lettuce but will eat the carrots, tomatoes, and cucumbers. My son will just get lettuce and cucumbers (seperate not touching) and dip into ranch.

 

The gagging was kind of rude. I don't think my daughter would do this. She trys whatever she is served at others home (even meat) and says not thankyou to "more". On the otherhand, my son is on the spectrum and while his list of accepatable foods is actually larger, I never know how he will react because it doesn't occur to him that dishonesty of feelings is considered politeness. I don't send him over to dinner at other's house and I feed him before parties where food is going to be served and role play how to turn down food and then hope the best. Thankfully, pizza is the norm for children's get togethers around here.

 

My family handles my kids pretty well and my mom can get my son to try new foods quite easily (I can serve it 20 times with and he won't take a bite and she can serve it once and he loves it). They never forced me to eat anything but made what they made with at least one acceptable to me dish.

 

However, my in laws make a huge production over how picky my kids are and how bad of a mother I must be because I don't force them to sit at the table and eat every bite or serve the same plate of food for every meal until they eat the way they did their children (well, let's see -your son drives me crazy with his pickiness so apparantly it didn't work). They also make mostly out of the norm foods (she watches the food channel and fancies herself a famous chef). So while, I wouldn't mind someone saying "Your son gagged over the bean soup". I would not be so happy with "You must cater to his pickiness" or any eye rolling or otherwise implications that because my child doesn't enjoy what you consider simple means I am a bad mom who caters to her child's whims and doesn't train them to eat properly.

 

While I don't agree that you need to apologize to the kid. I do agree with Anne that when I have kids over, I find out food preferences and try to work around that. I wouldn't go buy something new necessarily but there was probably something you could have made that was acceptable -tomato soup and grill cheese comes up. I take it that you are vegetarians? If so, that might be mentioned before a kid comes over so parent has a chance to prep the child on how to react. It may never had occured to mom that you eat "weird" food.