How to help a teen who wants to quit lifelong activity

[lovinmyboys]

My ds17 has LOVED baseball since he was tiny. He has played travel baseball since he was 8, then played the first two years of high school. We moved out of the country for his junior year and he played in the semi-pro league here which is the highest league in the country. He played every game at his favorite position and seemed to like it.

He broke his hand in June and now says he doesn’t think he wants to play anymore. He said since coming here it is too competitive and he doesn’t think he is going to play in college. This is kind of out of the blue to me, so I am just wondering how I should respond.

I am actually ok with it because it takes a lot of time and I have always wanted him to realize there is a world outside of baseball. I kind of feel guilty moving him here, because he probably wouldn’t want to quit if we were still in the US.

I think some of it is him just growing up. He works full-time (8-4:30 M-F) and I think he is just tired to then go to baseball. And the school here is more challenging for him. And since the baseball isn’t attached to the school, I feel like it makes it harder for him to fit in both. 
 

Maybe this is a good grown up decision for him? But I hate for him to give up something he loves. 

[wintermom]

Maybe he'll find an alternative activity to immerse himself in? There is always a chance he can play comp ball as an adult, but for now he's got a perfect opportunity to try something different as he'll have the time to explore and try out other things. There are masses of fun things that he can do without much pressure on a healing hand. It all depends on his interests and what is readily available where you are currently located.

All the best on this new adventure!

[LinRTX]

It may just be time to move on for him. He can play on rec teams as an adult.

My youngest was in choir and did solo contests for years. Her voice is amazing. She also played piano and competed with it. BUT senior year in high school she decided she was majoring in a STEM field (totally did not see that coming) and did not want to do anything musical in college. I tried to encourage her to do at least something since it had been her life for years. She was adamant. She graduated college over a year ago and just now wants to do something musical and has found a community choir to join.

[klmama]

It sounds like your ds is making a mature choice to stop playing, so support him in that.  He may choose to come back to it later, or he may not.  Either way, it's okay. 

[MEmama]

We've been there with a few activities DS loved and was serious about. He played hockey for 10 years and gave it up suddenly once checking started and it got too rough (his teammates were awful and he didn't like any of them anyway. I was relieved lol). Later he had to choose between competitive cycling,  and committing to running for his high school. He chose running primarily because it offered a social community and identity at school, whereas cycling had to be independent (no local teams). That was tough, but absolutely the right call for him. When he started university he was offered spots on teams (including a top spot at his #1 US school) but chose instead to not run at all. All difficult but well thought decisions, all made on his own terms.

This is a season for letting go, moving on and trying new things. I agree it's natural and should be supported.

[JennyD]

Who was that early homeschooling advocate who said that the way to think about this sort of situation isn't "quitting," but "graduating"?  (I vaguely recollect he lived maybe in Vermont?  Somewhere up there?  I think he had two sons?  Possibly William something?)  Anyway, I no longer own his book, whatever it was titled, but I do remember his description of setting up a "graduation concert" when one of his teenage sons decided to be done with piano lessons.  It struck me as a wonderful idea.

 

[Bambam]

I'd support him. If he has been thinking this for a while (ask him), and he is just mentioning it now, that's great, quit now. If this is a very recent thought (like just today), I'd be more inclined to suggest he think on it for a week - offering that if he wants to consider continuing, I would help him think through some possible ways to get help? 

But honestly, it sounds like working full time and doing high school? That is a LOT. I can't imagine fitting anything else in - even if I loved it, priority would be #1 School. Does he need to work full time? If not, maybe that is something to explore as an option?

I know of no high schoolers in the US that work a full time job and do school. Maybe that is normal and I'm just not aware? 

[lovinmyboys]

1 minute ago, Bambam said:

I'd support him. If he has been thinking this for a while (ask him), and he is just mentioning it now, that's great, quit now. If this is a very recent thought (like just today), I'd be more inclined to suggest he think on it for a week - offering that if he wants to consider continuing, I would help him think through some possible ways to get help? 

But honestly, it sounds like working full time and doing high school? That is a LOT. I can't imagine fitting anything else in - even if I loved it, priority would be #1 School. Does he need to work full time? If not, maybe that is something to explore as an option?

I know of no high schoolers in the US that work a full time job and do school. Maybe that is normal and I'm just not aware? 

Sorry, I wasn’t clear. He is working full time in the summer and then going to school and not working at all during the school year. 
 

He has never worked before and his previous high school was easier, so I think it didn’t feel like his time was as precious. Now that he has more homework during the school year and a job in the summer, he has a lot less free time.

[klmama]

If he's planning to go to college, he'll have a lot less free time then, too.  This is good preparation for the many decisions he'll have to make there around time and energy management.  It sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and is prioritizing what is most important to him -- and playing baseball with his current team is simply not it.

[Innisfree]

I remember when I stunned my parents by quitting an activity I had loved. The old activity conflicted with a new one which was important to me. Continuing both would have been possible, but wouldn’t have allowed me to be deeply involved with either. I have always remembered the earlier activity with fondness, but never regretted making the change. All this to say I’d trust your ds to know his own mind.

[catz]

This just sounds like a normal progression to me.  If it's too much now, it would almost certainly be too much to play in colege and not what he wants his college networking and social life to be based in.  If he is committed to a team for the summer or somerthing, I would push to see that committment through but beyond that, up to him.

My daughter just graduated but a year ago quit an activity that she had done starting at 4.  We've had zero regrets on that and it was nice to have one less thing on her very busy plate while she was working on college applications.

[regentrude]

All things have a season. Just because he loved this growing up doesn't mean that he has to continue. 

It was good and valuable for him for many years. There will be other good and valuable activities in his future. 

How many adults still pursue their childhood hobby?

[Clemsondana]

I have a cousin who did the same thing.  I think the injury break gave him a chance to see what else he could be doing with his time.  Different kids have different trajectories. My kid isn't that elite of a player, but loves the game more now than when he was younger.  We've known other people who quit their senior years because they wanted to do other things.  There was one senior last year, a 4-year starter, who looked like he was just going through the motions.  But, life is too short to do optional activities that you don't enjoy.  I'd say support him.  But, it's fine to be sad, too.  I can't really imagine what life without my kids' sports families will look like.  

[HomeAgain]

You can only support, love on them, and help put the gear in storage.

It'll go one of two ways: he'll start to miss it and feel like he doesn't know who he is anymore, or he'll enjoy his new freedom and occasionally pull out his gear to play beer league.  I'd encourage him to look at possibly being an ump or a coaching assistant for Little League if he starts to feel at odds.

[lovinmyboys]

I think he will be fine. I am more upset about it than I thought I would be. I think it is a combination of just realizing he is growing up (a good thing! but also a little sad for me) and feeling guilty about moving him here. I think if he were still at his old school he would feel different. Otoh, I think exposing him to more of the world has been a good thing. 

[freesia]

16 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

I think he will be fine. I am more upset about it than I thought I would be. I think it is a combination of just realizing he is growing up (a good thing! but also a little sad for me) and feeling guilty about moving him here. I think if he were still at his old school he would feel different. Otoh, I think exposing him to more of the world has been a good thing. 

((( hug))). I get it. I would be sad if dd decides to give up soccer. It’s something that’s been part of parenting her for so long. Try not to let your mind go to what ifs. You don’t know. Living in Poland  is giving him something incredible. It’s ok if he’s also missed out on things. There will never be a time that you can organize everything so that all good and no bad ever comes. You’ll drive yourself crazy or end up feeling bad when you don’t have to. Sometimes I take a journal page and put my child’s name in the middle and then draw spokes coming off. Then I let all the things that are going well or all the good things happening to and with that child. It really helps me get perspective. 
 

Are you feeling homesick?Your recent posts make me wonder ( I’ve lived in three countries other than my home country.) will you get to visit the States this summer? Could you?

[Ting Tang]

I'd tell him you support his decision but also tell him you would be supportive of him returning to the sport, too.  Breaking his hand might have been an emotional event for an athlete, so I might leave it very open on your end for a bit, especially since this just happened last month.  I have a nephew who plays for a very small college and works, too.  Maybe the fact he is at a small college makes it more feasible.

[lovinmyboys]

26 minutes ago, freesia said:

 

Are you feeling homesick?Your recent posts make me wonder ( I’ve lived in three countries other than my home country.) will you get to visit the States this summer? Could you?

I don’t think I am homesick as much as I am just not a confident teen parent, so I alternate between anxiousness and guilt. I am pretty good with the 10 and under crowd, but now all of mine have crossed that threshold. Things just seem more consequential now. I wouldn’t think twice about moving a 6 year old, but I still agonize over moving our 16yr old- even though he seems to be doing fine (maybe even better than fine) and objectively it has been a pretty cool experience. I feel like guilt clouds my thinking.

Edited July 17, 2023 by lovinmyboys

[freesia]

10 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

I don’t think I am homesick as much as I am just not a confident teen parent, so I alternate between anxiousness and guilt. I am pretty good with the 10 and under crowd, but now all of mine have crossed that threshold. Things just seem more consequential now. I wouldn’t think twice about moving a 6 year old, but I still agonize over moving our 16yr old- even though he seems to be doing fine (maybe even better than fine) and objectively it has been a pretty cool experience. I feel like guilt clouds my thinking.

I get that. I’m like that, too. Just go easy on yourself. You have no way of knowing if he’d have been better than fine if you’d stayed. Parenting teens is a lot more an art and we have way less control. I’m on my fourth and so still feel a bit like I’m feeling my way through the dark. So many uncontrollable variables and a new independent being emerging for whom making their own choices is good and right but they don’t have the experience we do. It’s hard. But it sounds like your ds is doing great and, in the end, whether he does baseball is a very small thing over the scope of his life, especially if he makes the choice. 

[Jaybee]

When our kids give up something they have loved, and we have loved with them (or because they loved it), it sometimes hurts us as well, when they give it up. It was part of the kid we knew, and now they are changing and messing with what we thought we knew about them. But it is all part of growth, and of their process of exploration into who they are and who they are developing into. Even now, in my 60s, there are interests/activities that I have loved and seen as part of my identity for years, and I am having to admit to myself that I no longer love those particular things.

Our kids grew up overseas, and sometimes they mention things they don't like about that upbringing. Yet, from the perspective of lots of years, I can see how they have benefitted from it so much, and how it has shaped them into who they are, with mindsets that they would not have developed, and empathy toward other people and other cultures--it is a richness that they may not appreciate yet, but they do at least get glimpses of the way it has formed them. You have given your children a gift, even the 16yo. 

[Jaybee]

Also, as to your comments that you think he might have stuck with it if he had stayed in the States: he might have, and he might not have. It is very common for people to leave behind their earlier interests as they near or enter the college years. He might have been injured in the U.S., or might have decided even earlier to quit. You just don't know. On the other hand, he may find his living in Poland has opened his eyes to other things that develop into interests or opportunities that he would never have had in the U.S.

There were years I wondered if my kids were missing out on certain American activities or opportunities I thought they would have enjoyed. I have no way of knowing, in reality. On the other hand, they took lessons and learned about things overseas and had opportunities that they wouldn't have had in the U.S. So...🤷‍♀️

[Starr]

You don’t really know what life would look like if you hadn’t moved. Put the guilt aside   It sounds like he will be more prepared for college and other interests will appear. 

[matrips]

I’d support him. Maybe he was ready to be done for awhile, but didn’t know how to go about it or even recognize the feeling.  This may have just been the push he never knew he needed.  Maybe he’s hearing kids talk of other activities and wants the free time to explore other things.

[kathyl]

I always regretted encouraging one of our sons to continue in a sport when he told me he wanted to quit at 14 or 15yo maybe?

He'll be fine without baseball. 

I do remember that when ds finally did quit, *I* actually missed the little bit of social life it brought into my life.  So there's that to be aware of ...

 

Edited July 17, 2023 by kathyl

[mom2scouts]

3 hours ago, kathyl said:

I always regretted encouraging one of our sons to continue in a sport when he told me he wanted to quit at 14 or 15yo maybe?

He'll be fine without baseball. 

I do remember that when ds finally did quit, *I* actually missed the little bit of social life it brought into my life.  So there's that to be aware of ...

 

I think this is one reason that it's hard for parents when kids give up something that's been a big part of their life. When DD quit a sport she had done since she was little, it was hard for me. I liked going to the competitions and there were people there I enjoyed seeing that are now out of my life. I was thinking of this recently when I was at a dance competition. So many of the parents were wearing shirts that said "Dance Mom" or something about being a "Dance Dad" and I think many parents get much of their social life and identity through their kids activities. It's just one more thing on top of seeing your child give up something they've loved doing for so long, having to redefine them because they're no longer your "baseball player" or whatever, and maybe having big changes in the rhythm of your family life (no more traveling to weekend tournaments or Friday night games or whatever fits your child's activity).

[Ginevra]

15 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

Maybe this is a good grown up decision for him? But I hate for him to give up something he loves. 

I think sometimes this is part of deciding who they are going to be. My son quit baseball, too, when COVID interrupted his momentum. It felt confusing to me because he was very good at his position and I thought it was so good for him on many levels. But after he *could* play again and COVID restrictions eased, he simply did not want to. We let him stop. I hope that was the right decision. 

[Soror]

I've seen this before. Sometimes you do something because you've always done it but when you stop you realize you don't miss it. I'd say the injury was a blessing to get him to slow down and reconsider. I think it shows thoughtfulness on his part. 

[lmrich]

Would he like to volunteer and be a coach for a younger team? Then he could still be connected to the game, get some volunteer hours, and have some love of the game. 

[Jaybee]

Sometimes you just realize there is a whole other world out there that you haven't explored yet, and you'd like to start doing that. Or even just have the freedom you didn't while you were doing the thing.