destination weddings - vent

[gardenmom5]

My niece is getting married.  Her destination is drivable.  Dh and I went summer of 2021, and consider the lodge quaint, but we felt no need to go back.  It is NOT a location you can just show up that day, the distance is too far.  Though if I really wanted to cut a night off, I could stay with my friend who lives an easier distance . . 😜 that could be fun.   (2dd is coming up, she is staying somewhere nearby that is kid friendly and 1&2ds and dudeling will be joining her.  They'll all have fun. Let dudeling herd 1dgs . . .   😜 😜 . . . .)  everyone will still be at the lodge the night of the wedding. 

So - I'm forking out for two nights (and a 2nd room the night of).   And . . . I have to buy a dress, because apparently nothing I own is fancy enough . . . just to be a guest at this wedding!  and that's before even buying a gift!  (I can afford it, I think it's ridiculous.)

Tell me I don't have to feel obligated to buy an EXPENSIVE gift!   (I plan on asking the kids if they want to chip in and put their name on whatever I buy.  I've been invited to A bridal shower where they are doing recipes.. .  I wanted to do a family recipe, but i've also thought our chocolate cheesecake recipe with a slip bottom pan. . . .or my mother's cousin's (super delicate) sugar cookie recipe that made the rounds in the family back in the 70s with some quality cookie sheets.  Or I have a great fruit cake recipe with a 2-piece tube cake pan . .

 

 

 

Edited March 20, 2023 by gardenmom5

[SKL]

Who told you that you have to buy a dress??  Wear what you like IMO.

I think it's cool that they're paying for everyone to spend the night.  I would make the gift reflect the per-person cost of the wedding plus a little more.  Or don't attend, and send a nice gift of money.

[marbel]

You are not obligated to go, or buy a new dress, or buy an expensive gift. Just do what you want to do. I don't get what your previous visit to the location has to do with it. 

I think the dress pictured is pretty. But, I have never seen a dress like that at a wedding except on the mother of the bride or groom. 

[gardenmom5]

23 minutes ago, SKL said:

Who told you that you have to buy a dress??  Wear what you like IMO.

I think it's cool that they're paying for everyone to spend the night.  I would make the gift reflect the per-person cost of the wedding plus a little more.  Or don't attend, and send a nice gift of money.

They're not - I am.

It's a family wedding - that's the only reason I'm going.

[klmama]

I would definitely go darker for the dress, especially since it is full-length.  Medium-blue would look great with your coloring.  You might want to keep looking for something shorter, though, so you can get more use out of it.  

[SKL]

7 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

They're not - I am.

It's a family wedding - that's the only reason I'm going.

Oh OK, I misunderstood about the lodge.

I still think it's appropriate to give a gift that covers the per-person cost of the wedding plus a little more ... or stay home and send a card with money.

[catz]

I personally think you shouldn't invite anyone to a wedding with any thoughts they are going to need to buy/rent clothing beyond what they have in their closet.  There is no way I would spend money to buy a dress you don't think you'll wear again.  If this my own kid, where I was going to be part of the formal photography, etc that would be different.  If I had to buy something, it would be much simpler, possibly even a skirt paired with something that would be used again.

You are also under no obligation to give a gift at all.  And I do think you are already asking a lot if you are asking everyone to travel.  A token personal gift is fine.  

Declining the whole thing is also fine.  If someone is pushing on the clothing, I would be super irritated.  

[freesia]

I think you can give a gift that you can afford and don’t need to worry about the cost per person idea. You are spending a lot to go to this wedding. I love your shower idea of the cookies plus pans. I would look for a dress at a thrift store because nice dresses are not worn often and are good deals at thrift stores. 

[Starr]

It sounds like another Nike day, just do it. Your dc are looking forward to it, that's something. Stopping and visiting with your friend sounds fun as well. I love the dress but I would pick another color. 

[vonfirmath]

I got married in the city I lived in -- which was a travel for most of my family. I was in no way disappointed that family who spent a lot of money to travel gave modest gifts. (I'm not even sure I remember what I got from one of them) It did not matter. Having them there and present meant a LOT and some were part of my wedding (my Aunt Diana read a Scripture. My husband's three aunts showed up and took the misc flowers, ribbons, etc I had and was trying to figure out what to do with and decorated the church.  That was the biggest blessing of all! My sister was my maid of honor, etc) And I remember THAT clearly.

Edited March 20, 2023 by vonfirmath

[Guest]

IMO, you are at perfect liberty to decline the invitation and/or wear a dress you have and/or give a gift that is within your budget. If you resent having to go, don’t go. 
 

My kid’s wedding was driveable but out-of-town. It was also on a Sunday. So in my opinion, this was good because it weeded out the guests who couldn’t be bothered. If it’s at the local firehall, Drunk Uncle Eddie is going to stumble on by for the free meal and booze. He’s not going to bother if it means he has to drive 2.5 hrs each direction and rent a room.*

I think the couple has every right to locate their wedding where they want. They aren’t obligated to accommodate anyone else’s needs, location or clothing issues. IOW, they don’t have to make it a jeans-wearing BBQ just because some guests don’t have/can’t afford dress clothing. 
 

*With the caveat that: if I knew someone sincerely would love to go but cannot afford even one night at the Day’s Inn and the gas to get there and back, I would have told them to stay with us at the AirBnB we rented for the wedding party. But AFAIK, nobody who was invited was in this dire a circumstance. 

[gardenmom5]

54 minutes ago, klmama said:

I would definitely go darker for the dress, especially since it is full-length.  Medium-blue would look great with your coloring.  You might want to keep looking for something shorter, though, so you can get more use out of it.  

I have a great spring floral skirt (not sure if it fits) - but the lace top I wore with it . . . . (doesn't fit)

[Carol in Cal.]

That doesn’t sound like what I think of as a destination wedding.  Those are more like ones where everyone who attends has to fly to Italy or Hawaii or something.  

My guess is that having a fancy dress in your wardrobe will turn out to be Really Useful down the road.  And weddings are once in a lifetime, hopefully.  

So I’d go and go All In.  Stay in the nice place, buy myself a gorgeous dress, and bring or send a memorable gift.  Have a great time.

I did that during covid for my nephew’s wedding, and it’s a great memory.  Plus now I have a great dress for special occasions.  And (bonus!) most of the time no one from that wedding is at another special occasion of mine because it was 1000 miles away and involved flying, so it’s a ‘new dress’ to people around here.

I don’t do big dramatic trips like that very often, but when I do, I go big or stay home.

[Frances]

Is the wedding black tie despite being held at a “quaint” lodge? Because the dress, while beautiful, is very fancy and formal, and not something I’d expect to see on a wedding guest unless it was specified as a black tie event. What do you wear to church? (I thought I recall that you are LSD, but please forgive me if I’m remembering incorrectly.) It certainly seems something like that would be dressy enough.

As for a gift, you have no obligation to give anything, let alone anything expensive. Just give what feels right. And staying with a friend for one night sounds like a good way to make the whole event more fun for you and save money at the same time.

[Frances]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

Oh OK, I misunderstood about the lodge.

I still think it's appropriate to give a gift that covers the per-person cost of the wedding plus a little more ... or stay home and send a card with money.

And how would one possibly know the per person cost of the wedding? My son got married last summer and I’m sure even he and his spouse who paid for the majority of it do not know that or ever calculated it.

[Toocrazy!!]

I think with so many people living far away from family, almost every wedding requires travel on the part of someone. It would be impossible to plan one convenient for everyone you wanted to invite. 
I’m sure the couple understands this and expects that some people won’t be able to come. So, if you can, great. If it doesn’t work out for you either because of time or budget, then send your regrets. 
I do think that dress is perhaps dressier than needed. Hopefully you can find something that you have or something that works for you in other ways. I totally understand not wanting to spend money on that! 

[Faith-manor]

The vast majority of weddings these days require travel to attend, often significant travel. That doesn't make them destination weddings. It is just the reality of a modern society in which a ton of adults go away from home for college or other job training, and do not get jobs near their parents. It also reflects the fact that families no longer reside close to one another. When Dd got married, she lived on the west side of our state, her fiance and his immediate family was from Pennsylvania. It was literally impossible to have a wedding and not have it be a destination for a significant portion of the guest list. Dd's maid of honor came from Baltimore, and we had to help her with travel expenses. Since most couples these days include two earners who also have to juggle their work schedules, their bosses demands, and what little paid vacation they have, it is not unreasonable to expect that a wedding takes place wherever the couple resides and works or for them to give up on a traditional wedding and travel to some exotic beach someplace and not have very many guests due to the cost of travel. 

My suggestion for the OP is to respond with regrets and send a modest gift. Clearly this is causing stress. Season in life. We can't all attend every family event, and wedding invitations are not commands with obligations.

 

[QueenCat]

I wouldn't really call that a destination wedding... That said, you are always free to choose to attend or not, based on your needs.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

That doesn’t sound like what I think of as a destination wedding.  Those are more like ones where everyone who attends has to fly to Italy or Hawaii or something.  

My guess is that having a fancy dress in your wardrobe will turn out to be Really Useful down the road.  And weddings are once in a lifetime, hopefully.  

So I’d go and go All In.  Stay in the nice place, buy myself a gorgeous dress, and bring or send a memorable gift.  Have a great time.

I did that during covid for my nephew’s wedding, and it’s a great memory.  Plus now I have a great dress for special occasions.  And (bonus!) most of the time no one from that wedding is at another special occasion of mine because it was 1000 miles away and involved flying, so it’s a ‘new dress’ to people around here.

I don’t do big dramatic trips like that very often, but when I do, I go big or stay home.

I just wanted to say, I love this attitude. I personally have never regretted saying, “Screw it; I’m just going for it!” I have regretted when I let all the what-ifs stop me. This is embodied in my Phrase of the Year: “Look for reasons to say YES.” 
 

Tangent: a childhood friend of mine whom I “see” on FB is in Paris right now with a friend. She is a dancer and loves period costumes. She packed four huge gowns for Paris and she booked a photographer! I must admit, since I am a light packer, it sounded a little nuts to me, lol! But she has these amazing photos of her in a formal green gown at the Eiffel Tower on St Patrick’s Day; running barefoot in a huge red gown, train flying out behind her; dressed in a black gown with a white fur stole on a luxury train (looks like a film star from the 40s and you should see the faces of the other guests!); and in a 20’s flapper gown with an antique car. It is spectacular! I am glad she seized the day with this trip. 

[kirstenhill]

If you are completely settled on going, I would spend whatever you usually spend on a wedding gift.  It does seem a little strange to me to spend less than you normally would have if you can afford it, but there is a real range in what people might normally spend so I don't think you have to buy an "expensive" gift, if by that you mean more than you would normally spend. 

We were invited to a niece's upcoming wedding that would involve 6 hrs each way of travel...plus the complication that kids aren't invited (even 18 year old DD isn't invited though she is an adult at college...I guess she is still too much of a "kid"), and it's on Easter weekend. 

So we would be essentially missing out on Easter traditions as a family AND asking someone the huge favor of watching our kids over a holiday weekend.  Or we considered bringing the boys along and having them just stay in the hotel room during the wedding festivities, since DS16 could be responsible for younger brothers. That didn't really make sense either, and then we would be spending most of our Easter Sunday driving home after a Saturday PM wedding.  We certainly could have afforded the expense and made it work...but we decided ultimately that even though this is a fairly close family wedding, we would rather avoid the complications and send them a more expensive gift than we would normally send, figuring we are saving $ on hotel, gas, food, etc.  We will miss being there with family, but ultimately niece and fiance must have known that by choosing to both get married on Easter weekend AND not allow kids to attend, it would make it a challenge for some family members to be there.

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, SKL said:

Oh OK, I misunderstood about the lodge.

I still think it's appropriate to give a gift that covers the per-person cost of the wedding plus a little more ... or stay home and send a card with money.

I have never and I will never buy a gift based on this criteria.  If I am invited to a wedding I assume my presence is desired by the bride and groom.  It is actually repulsive to me to think I would be invited or not based upon the value of the gift I would bring.  

[freesia]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I have never and I will never buy a gift based on this criteria.  If I am invited to a wedding I assume my presence is desired by the bride and groom.  It is actually repulsive to me to think I would be invited or not based upon the value of the gift I would bring.  

I agree

[SKL]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I have never and I will never buy a gift based on this criteria.  If I am invited to a wedding I assume my presence is desired by the bride and groom.  It is actually repulsive to me to think I would be invited or not based upon the value of the gift I would bring.  

I don't think that way either.  I do think that I'd rather my presence not cause the family to go negative.  OP indicated that ability to pay isn't an issue for her.  If I can afford it, I will always try to cover the cost of my participation plus something.

[marbel]

39 minutes ago, SKL said:

I don't think that way either.  I do think that I'd rather my presence not cause the family to go negative.  OP indicated that ability to pay isn't an issue for her.  If I can afford it, I will always try to cover the cost of my participation plus something.

I would have been really upset if I believed anyone who was at my wedding based their gift on what they felt they "owed" us for attending. Wedding invitations are not invoices and wedding/reception attendance is not a transaction. Or shouldn't be, I suppose I should say. 

I have also never heard of anyone basing the value of their gift on their supposition of what the wedding cost, except here on this board. I don't get the line of thinking. Does a friend who has a backyard wedding catered by aunts deserve a lesser gift than one whose wedding is in a 5 star restaurant?  I mean, I guess I appreciate the recognition that a wedding can cost a lot of money, but it is a cost that is optional. No one has to host an expensive wedding. 

I have asked but have never received a satisfactory answer to the question: "how would I know how much the wedding cost?"

 

 

[Frances]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

I would have been really upset if I believed anyone who was at my wedding based their gift on what they felt they "owed" us for attending. Wedding invitations are not invoices and wedding/reception attendance is not a transaction. Or shouldn't be, I suppose I should say. 

I have also never heard of anyone basing the value of their gift on their supposition of what the wedding cost, except here on this board. I don't get the line of thinking. Does a friend who has a backyard wedding catered by aunts deserve a lesser gift than one whose wedding is in a 5 star restaurant?  I mean, I guess I appreciate the recognition that a wedding can cost a lot of money, but it is a cost that is optional. No one has to host an expensive wedding. 

I have asked but have never received a satisfactory answer to the question: "how would I know how much the wedding cost?"

 

 

I absolutely agree. I think it’s an incredibly strange concept. And I asked your final question above and got no answer which is interesting because I assume @SKL must use this strategy when purchasing wedding gifts. I’d really like to know how she figures out the per guest cost for every wedding she is invited to.

My son and his spouse asked for no gifts. They knew many people would be traveling significant distance to attend and having their close family and friends there to celebrate with them was far more important than any gift.

[Sneezyone]

Don’t go. Send a card and gift (if you’d like) with your felicitations. Spare all the drama of hurt feelings.

We hosted an anniversary celebration (we eloped, young, so DH AND I PAID FOR IT ALL) at a quaint location on the peninsula and invited our SEA-TAC and OOS relatives and friends to attend. Most stayed on site and appreciated the lengths we went to to make it family-oriented and comfy. We christened our oldest the following morning. Only one aunt stayed off site, their choice, I had no issues with it.

We did what we could afford.

If I’d heard one whiff of this sort while working FT, raising DD, and planning everything I’d have cut said person off without a second thought.

Edited March 21, 2023 by Sneezyone

[LaughingCat]

I would consider it a "destination wedding" if the expectation is that everyone that comes to the wedding will stay at the "quaint hotel".  

[Garga]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I have never and I will never buy a gift based on this criteria.  If I am invited to a wedding I assume my presence is desired by the bride and groom.  It is actually repulsive to me to think I would be invited or not based upon the value of the gift I would bring.  

I don’t think that the bride and groom have invited me based on the value of the gift I would bring, but I also know that they have usually spent months, if not a year or more, planning the event in their spare time and spending lots of money to make it magical for themselves and their guests. And since I am there enjoying a magical event with them, I feel a bit like a mooch if I don’t at least consider how much that the average wedding runs and get them a gift somewhat equivalent to what they probably paid for my presence there.

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I don't think that way either.  I do think that I'd rather my presence not cause the family to go negative.  OP indicated that ability to pay isn't an issue for her.  If I can afford it, I will always try to cover the cost of my participation plus something.

That’s exactly how I view it as well.

 

OP, check out the thrift stores near you for an outfit. I wouldn’t spent a lot of money on a dress for a niece's’ wedding without first checking out the thrift stores. Fancy dresses usually get worn only a time or two before someone gets tired of having a fancy dress they never wear in their closet, so they donate it to the thrift store.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

I don't think that way either.  I do think that I'd rather my presence not cause the family to go negative.  OP indicated that ability to pay isn't an issue for her.  If I can afford it, I will always try to cover the cost of my participation plus something.

How do you know who is paying for the wedding?  

[Scarlett]

33 minutes ago, Garga said:

I don’t think that the bride and groom have invited me based on the value of the gift I would bring, but I also know that they have usually spent months, if not a year or more, planning the event in their spare time and spending lots of money to make it magical for themselves and their guests. And since I am there enjoying a magical event with them, I feel a bit like a mooch if I don’t at least consider how much that the average wedding runs and get them a gift somewhat equivalent to what they probably paid for my presence there.

 

You are a guest not a mooch. You aren’t responsible for contributing to the cost of the wedding. I find this a very strange idea. 

[SKL]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

How do you know who is paying for the wedding?  

Whoever's paying, it doesn't matter.  If the married couple are paying, I don't want them to go negative on my plate.  If their folks are paying, I want their folks' generosity to benefit the couple, not me.

As for how I would know the approximate cost of my plate, I think that's not very hard to figure out if one wants to.  Especially if it's a close friend or relative, it's probably been discussed in my presence, but even if not, I am aware of general costs of catered events.

It's fine that this is a cultural difference.  No biggie.  The world is full of cultural differences.

[Sneezyone]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

Whoever's paying, it doesn't matter.  If the married couple are paying, I don't want them to go negative on my plate.  If their folks are paying, I want their folks' generosity to benefit the couple, not me.

As for how I would know the approximate cost of my plate, I think that's not very hard to figure out if one wants to.  Especially if it's a close friend or relative, it's probably been discussed in my presence, but even if not, I am aware of general costs of catered events.

It's fine that this is a cultural difference.  No biggie.  The world is full of cultural differences.

ITA. While my cultural experience is that we don’t assess the value of our presence against the cost of our presence, I appreciate this. What I do not understand, is the idea that all of the hoopla that goes into our attendance, from hairstyle to make up to dress is, somehow, the concern/responsibility of the person who has invited us to attend the event. If you don’t wish to expend the money for for that particular family member…don’t. For all anyone knows the relative was roped into issuing the invite for ‘family reasons’. Decline the invite and call it a day. Receiving a wedding invite is a privilege not an obligation and the B&G are sure to prefer willing attendees wherever the event is held.

Edited March 21, 2023 by Sneezyone

[Shoeless]

Is this really what people expect, that they will recoup X dollars per wedding gift? 

That is awfully...transactional.  I really don't like relationships where people keep score. 

If my attendance causes the host to go into debt, maybe they should invite fewer people? Or not have such a splashy wedding? Seriously, no one should go into debt for a PARTY. 

I've attended weddings where I could not afford a gift at all and wore something I already had from my closet.  Guess I'm that relative!

[katilac]

3 hours ago, marbel said:

Does a friend who has a backyard wedding catered by aunts deserve a lesser gift than one whose wedding is in a 5 star restaurant? 

@Garga @SKL

and anyone else who's familiar with this tradition or thought pattern, can y'all weigh in on this? 

Do people have a minimum amount they spend on weddings that buys a really nice gift, or do they bring a base model Mr. Coffee to the backyard wedding one week, and then a Breville stainless steel espresso machine to the Ritz Carlton the next week?? Assuming one is equal amounts of close each bride and groom, is it really done to give $25 to one couple because that covers the cost of homemade bbq, and then $300 to the next couple bc they're having a fancy seated meal? 

How do the people getting married handle guest lists if that's the expectation? Do they just not invite friends they know aren't affluent, or do they invite them with the expectation that they will decline? 

Are you literally trying to cover the cost of the food on your plate, or do things like having a big-name band and a photo booth come into play? 

If it's a $200 wedding, are you still covered if you buy a $200 gift that's on sale for $150, or is it like, better add something else! 

14 hours ago, SKL said:

I still think it's appropriate to give a gift that covers the per-person cost of the wedding plus a little more ... or stay home and send a card with money.

But if the gift is meant to cover your plate, why would you stay home and still send money? 

So many questions . . . 

[katilac]

13 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

 I've attended weddings where I could not afford a gift at all and wore something I already had from my closet.  Guess I'm that relative!

User name checks out. 

[gardenmom5]

11 hours ago, kirstenhill said:

If you are completely settled on going, I would spend whatever you usually spend on a wedding gift.  It does seem a little strange to me to spend less than you normally would have if you can afford it, but there is a real range in what people might normally spend so I don't think you have to buy an "expensive" gift, if by that you mean more than you would normally spend. 

 

I wouldn't be spending less than normal - it's feeling an expectation I would have to spend *a lot more* on a gift than I normally would.  I'm already spending A LOT more than I normally would - just to go to this.  

I have a rough amount I spend for acquaintances, and a higher rough amount for those closer to me.  

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I have never and I will never buy a gift based on this criteria.  If I am invited to a wedding I assume my presence is desired by the bride and groom.  It is actually repulsive to me to think I would be invited or not based upon the value of the gift I would bring.  

This this this.
I am also repulsed by those who come out with formulas about how much people should spend on a wedding gift for someone else.   How generous those people are with other people's money.  People who may or may NOT have the budget for those amounts!   
I've been broke.  I've had times I gave token gifts (or even nothing) because anything more was more than I could afford.  I'm sure there were brides that considered those gifts "not good enough" - but I've also known brides who were gracious to their guests being there.

and when 2dd was married - I wanted my guests to feel welcome to share our day, (whether they were able to bring a gift or not.)  To me - it's not about the merchandise. It's about sharing a major life event.

7 hours ago, SKL said:

I don't think that way either.  I do think that I'd rather my presence not cause the family to go negative.  OP indicated that ability to pay isn't an issue for her.  If I can afford it, I will always try to cover the cost of my participation plus something.

If I have to use the "pay for the price of what your attendance is costing the host" OVER AND ABOVE what I would already normally spend on a wedding gift (in addition to the rooms and hotel meals I'm already buying just to attend . . . )

if you want to spend a few hundred dollars+++ on a wedding gift to justify your attendance - that's between you and your bank account.

But those attitudes are what has sparked brides to send BILLS to guests that didn't spend as much as the bride (and groom) thought they should.  Frankly - that attitude is a good indicator that the marriage won't last.

6 hours ago, marbel said:

I would have been really upset if I believed anyone who was at my wedding based their gift on what they felt they "owed" us for attending. Wedding invitations are not invoices and wedding/reception attendance is not a transaction. Or shouldn't be, I suppose I should say. 

I have also never heard of anyone basing the value of their gift on their supposition of what the wedding cost, except here on this board. I don't get the line of thinking. Does a friend who has a backyard wedding catered by aunts deserve a lesser gift than one whose wedding is in a 5 star restaurant?  I mean, I guess I appreciate the recognition that a wedding can cost a lot of money, but it is a cost that is optional. No one has to host an expensive wedding. 

I have asked but have never received a satisfactory answer to the question: "how would I know how much the wedding cost?"

 

 

This.   Wedding planners will come up with this type of stuff - but they're in the business to make money on other people's weddings.

I loved Miss Manners on what are the minimum requirements for a wedding. . . . A bride and groom.

5 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

I would consider it a "destination wedding" if the expectation is that everyone that comes to the wedding will stay at the "quaint hotel".  

yes - it's not a convenient distance to other accommodations or other restaurants for meals.  

2 hours ago, katilac said:

@Garga @SKL

and anyone else who's familiar with this tradition or thought pattern, can y'all weigh in on this? 

Do people have a minimum amount they spend on weddings that buys a really nice gift, or do they bring a base model Mr. Coffee to the backyard wedding one week, and then a Breville stainless steel espresso machine to the Ritz Carlton the next week?? Assuming one is equal amounts of close each bride and groom, is it really done to give $25 to one couple because that covers the cost of homemade bbq, and then $300 to the next couple bc they're having a fancy seated meal? 

How do the people getting married handle guest lists if that's the expectation? Do they just not invite friends they know aren't affluent, or do they invite them with the expectation that they will decline? 

Are you literally trying to cover the cost of the food on your plate, or do things like having a big-name band and a photo booth come into play? 

If it's a $200 wedding, are you still covered if you buy a $200 gift that's on sale for $150, or is it like, better add something else! 

But if the gift is meant to cover your plate, why would you stay home and still send money? 

So many questions . . . 

yeah - 

I'm more inclined to spend more for the struggling young couple just starting out that are having a party in scale of where their finances are than the ones who have the big fancy party as they move into their new custom built home. . .

the former feel more like they need (and will more appreciate) the support starting out.

Edited March 21, 2023 by gardenmom5

[Guest]

4 hours ago, katilac said:

Do people have a minimum amount they spend on weddings that buys a really nice gift, or do they bring a base model Mr. Coffee to the backyard wedding one week, and then a Breville stainless steel espresso machine to the Ritz Carlton the next week?? Assuming one is equal amounts of close each bride and groom, is it really done to give $25 to one couple because that covers the cost of homemade bbq, and then $300 to the next couple bc they're having a fancy seated meal? 

This is how it puzzles me too. 
I have a general gift budget for weddings of family members and a lower general budget for weddings of wider-circle friends (though truthfully, I don’t get many invites of that type). Within the weddings of my nieces and nephews, there is a range of fanciness to the weddings but it does not change my budget. One nephews wedding was on the water and was super nice; the brides parents are well-off and I’m sure it was many tens of thousands. One nephews wedding was at the parents in law’s farm, with a tent, self-catered food and many DIY things. I did not adjust my gifts based on these factors. I just gave gifts in my budget for family weddings. 
 

The point of throwing any party should never, ever, ever be that the host hopes to recoup some or all of the expense of the party in gifts. The only reasons to throw a splashy party are 1). You want to; and 2) you can afford to. That’s it! 

[Tenaj]

5 hours ago, Shoeless said:

Is this really what people expect, that they will recoup X dollars per wedding gift? 

That is awfully...transactional.  I really don't like relationships where people keep score. 

If my attendance causes the host to go into debt, maybe they should invite fewer people? Or not have such a splashy wedding? Seriously, no one should go into debt for a PARTY. 

I've attended weddings where I could not afford a gift at all and wore something I already had from my closet.  Guess I'm that relative!

Want to know a secret?  I recently wore the same dress to my second son's wedding that I wore seven years before to my first son's wedding.  And it was fine - I had purchased two other dresses for the most recent wedding but hated both of them, didn't feel comfortable in them  and the color scheme was the same so I accessories differently and was comfortable and looked nice.  That kind of stuff just doesn't matter.

  Oh, and our gift was that we bought four suits and a bridesmaid dress for the siblings to be in the wedding and put on a nice rehearsal dinner.

[marbel]

8 hours ago, Garga said:

I don’t think that the bride and groom have invited me based on the value of the gift I would bring, but I also know that they have usually spent months, if not a year or more, planning the event in their spare time and spending lots of money to make it magical for themselves and their guests. And since I am there enjoying a magical event with them, I feel a bit like a mooch if I don’t at least consider how much that the average wedding runs and get them a gift somewhat equivalent to what they probably paid for my presence there.

But spending lots of time and money to make a magical event is the hosts' choice.  And, I don't know about anyone else, but the most magical weddings I have been to haven't been the ones that were in the most (apparently) expensive places.  Magic isn't necessarily a commodity one can purchase. 

 

 

 

[SKL]

7 hours ago, Shoeless said:

Is this really what people expect, that they will recoup X dollars per wedding gift? 

That is awfully...transactional.  I really don't like relationships where people keep score. 

If my attendance causes the host to go into debt, maybe they should invite fewer people? Or not have such a splashy wedding? Seriously, no one should go into debt for a PARTY. 

I've attended weddings where I could not afford a gift at all and wore something I already had from my closet.  Guess I'm that relative!

But people absolutely do go into debt for weddings.  I don't think it's unusual at all.

I guess I should have phrased it as what I feel comfortable doing, because I can.  I have lots of family members who could no way afford to give a gift as expensive as their plate, and they are just as welcome as anyone else.  However, if I have means, I would try to give the added blessing of helping to defray the cost of the wedding.

I agree with Sneezyone in that if you're going to resent any of it, don't attend.  Nobody needs negativity at their wedding.

[SKL]

But I generally don't buy new clothes for a wedding.  🙂

[SKL]

The OP is clearly making this about the money, but somehow my personal preference for generosity (when I can afford it) is the rotten apple here.  😛

[SKL]

To answer questions asked about how I decide wedding gifts, really I'm trying to be a blessing to the couple in whatever way it will help them, depending on how close they are to me.  When I was broke (much of my life), I would try to give at least the cost of my plate if I could.  Flame me, I don't care.  When I can afford more, I give more, especially for a close person.  For a loved one, I try to give something that will bring joy, not just tick a box.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

To answer questions asked about how I decide wedding gifts, really I'm trying to be a blessing to the couple in whatever way it will help them, depending on how close they are to me.  When I was broke (much of my life), I would try to give at least the cost of my plate if I could.  Flame me, I don't care.  When I can afford more, I give more, especially for a close person.  For a loved one, I try to give something that will bring joy, not just tick a box.

I am not trying to flame you….but I do want to point out that your logic is faulty to me.  If you are a guest you shouldn’t feel obligated to pay your way. 

[SKL]

5 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I am also repulsed by those who come out with formulas about how much people should spend on a wedding gift for someone else.   How generous those people are with other people's money.  People who may or may NOT have the budget for those amounts!  

...

If I have to use the "pay for the price of what your attendance is costing the host" OVER AND ABOVE what I would already normally spend on a wedding gift (in addition to the rooms and hotel meals I'm already buying just to attend . . . )

if you want to spend a few hundred dollars+++ on a wedding gift to justify your attendance - that's between you and your bank account.

 

1) YOU ASKED about whether or not you should buy an expensive gift, and YOU SAID you can afford it.  Sorry I answered your question!

2) I wasn't thinking multiple hundreds of dollars fwiw.

3) You clearly do not want to attend and I don't understand why you are doing so.  Why are you going?  Just to tick a box  because it's a niece (apparently one you don't like much)?

[SKL]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am not trying to flame you….but I do want to point out that your logic is faulty to me.  If you are a guest you shouldn’t feel obligated to pay your way. 

Fine, but I find it strange that this whole thread is now about how transactional I am.  I attend weddings with goodwill and give gifts with goodwill.

And let's be honest.  You know that you'd feel funny not giving a gift if you attended a wedding, unless you absolutely could not afford it.  Even if you were broke, you'd try to make something or do a service.  We all would.  That's also transactional if we're honest.

[SKL]

Also, quite frankly, I probably wouldn't attend an over-the-top wedding unless it was an extremely close person.  I wouldn't feel comfortable in such fancy company.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

Fine, but I find it strange that this whole thread is now about how transactional I am.  I attend weddings with goodwill and give gifts with goodwill.

And let's be honest.  You know that you'd feel funny not giving a gift if you attended a wedding, unless you absolutely could not afford it.  Even if you were broke, you'd try to make something or do a service.  We all would.  That's also transactional if we're honest.

You aren’t the only one with that attitude and I did not mean to pick on you.  
 

In my broker days (because I am still broke) I have given some really inexpensive gifts.  I give the gift to wish the couple a happy marriage, and I have given such gifts even when I don’t attend the wedding.  So no I don’t view my gift as transactional. My gift giving value criteria is based on two things 1)my relationship to the couple and my ability.  

[WildflowerMom]

11 minutes ago, SKL said:

To answer questions asked about how I decide wedding gifts, really I'm trying to be a blessing to the couple in whatever way it will help them, depending on how close they are to me.  When I was broke (much of my life), I would try to give at least the cost of my plate if I could.  Flame me, I don't care.  When I can afford more, I give more, especially for a close person.  For a loved one, I try to give something that will bring joy, not just tick a box.

This is how I think, too.   Only exception is I really don't think about whatever it cost to put on the wedding.    For me, it means I'm trying to find something really practical (sometimes even boring) that I know they'll use, but maybe is not something the average guest would get (because it's so boring usually).    I don't really think about the money, maybe I should.   I once gave a laundry basket full of cleaning supplies and whatnot to my cousin because she was marrying a guy with his own place already and I knew for a fact it would not be up to her standards, lol.   When I walked into that shower with that basket, you'd have thought I had a sack of cash, lol.   It cost a bit, but was definitely used (and def boring, at least to me).   

[WildflowerMom]

I wonder if it makes a difference who's paying for the wedding?   In my world, weddings usually =  parents footing the bill.   If it was a small wedding and I knew the couple was trying to put together something within their budget because they were doing it by themselves, I think I would consider the money spent much more than my former example.    But here, it's almost always parents paying.