How do I respond to this : the tackiest, most insensitive gift in the universe

[Haiku]

A friend of mine sent me a package for the kids for Christmas. I opened it, not knowing that it wasn't wrapped. Thank goodness I did! My friend sent the kids the movie Annie. The note said (I kid you not), "I knew your kids would love this since they actually lived in orphanages and were adopted by their own 'Daddy Warbucks.'"

 

:eek: :blink: :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but ... W.T.F???

 

They say it's the thought the counts, but ... what was the thought behind this? "No one cares for you a smidge when you're in an orphanage!" So be grateful that you got adopted, you little orphans??

 

And just to clarify, we aren't even close to Daddy Warbucks. We ran out of money from dh's last check before he got paid again today. And not because we were paying the mortgage on our vacation house and buying fuel for our yacht.

 

I don't even know what to say to this friend, or if I should say anything at all. How does one respond to that kind of ... I don't even know what it is???

 

Tara

[Mommy22alyns]

I am seriously speechless and agape on your behalf. Boy, people are coming up with some corkers lately. :eek:

 

ETA: I would begin to question the terminology, "friend" though. :glare:

[lionfamily1999]

ETA: I would begin to question the terminology, "friend" though. :glare:

:iagree:

[hsing1]

:confused:

 

I have no idea how to respond to this...I'm speechless.

Edited December 16, 2008 by hsing1

[hornblower]

Hmm. Well, I'd just chuck out the note if it irks you & enjoy the film. I'm guessing your kids are adopted?

 

I'm the proud auntie to 2 adopted nephews. I don't think I'd send a note like that because we just don't make a big deal of how our families are formed.

 

But at the same time, I'm guessing she's just thinking that they would somehow 'relate' to the orphan in the story. And I'm also guessing that she's complimenting you as being the heroes of the story. Is it possible that she hasn't seen the movie in a long time and only has a vague idea of it being a story about an orphan with a happy ending? That's my sense of the movie (haven't seen it in decades). The note changes in meaning if you see it from that perspective....

[Laura Corin]

Is it possible that she is clueless and just thought it was a cute idea?

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[GWOB]

:001_huh::001_huh: Ok. I'm sure your friend meant well. At least, that's the nice way of looking at the situation. Sometimes people just have diarrhea of the mouth (or pen in this case) and just cannot control what they say. It is completely understandable that you are insulted by this comment.

 

I would thank her for the gift. Then, I would discuss your feelings about the comment. Tell her that was an offensive comment to you, even though you know she would never intentionally hurt you. Ask her what she meant. Explain to her that it wouldn't matter if your kids came from Pluto or your own uterus, they are special, wonderful human beings and you love them to bits.

 

Just my thoughts.

[SonshineLearner]

Devil's advocate here, but maybe she just wasn't well whatever day she wrote that. I mean, surely she isn't that much of a witch... She probably bought it and then was trying to think of something cute to put...and it just failed...there's nothing nice to say about comparing the two!!!!!! (or commenting on the fact that they are adopted from an orphanage)

 

She may have been thinking about adopting too?? Maybe she's in some way jealous? I just watched a friend's 6 children the other day, and I told her that when the little one climbed up to me...I asked my husband if he could imagine us having a couple and he said "Yes"...and I just smiled at the thought. They're from Liberia, I think...sooooo cute..... Anyway, many of us would love to adopt....and maybe she would, too.

 

I don't know...just trying to think of why she would write that. That being said, it's a great movie...and I don't think that your kids would ever equate themselves to "Orphan Annies." I watch Step-Mom and Parent Trap with my kids....and even though I thought about the things that are alike.....they never did.....(and my daughter is a "step" too)

 

I might ask...."What did you mean by that?????" just in case she ever thought about saying/writing anything like that again! I just read A Child's Cry (I think that's what it's called) Anyway... Maybe you want to give her another chance??

 

Carrie

[Jenn in Mo]

Hmm. Well, I'd just chuck out the note if it irks you & enjoy the film. I'm guessing your kids are adopted?

 

I'm the proud auntie to 2 adopted nephews. I don't think I'd send a note like that because we just don't make a big deal of how our families are formed.

 

But at the same time, I'm guessing she's just thinking that they would somehow 'relate' to the orphan in the story. And I'm also guessing that she's complimenting you as being the heroes of the story. Is it possible that she hasn't seen the movie in a long time and only has a vague idea of it being a story about an orphan with a happy ending? That's my sense of the movie (haven't seen it in decades). The note changes in meaning if you see it from that perspective....

 

That's exactly how I took the note. If she's been a loving friend before, I'd assume her intentions were in love again now.

 

It's been ages since I saw the movie, but I'm remembering a special little girl ending up with the perfect home....a beautiful, happy ending. I don't see any reason to assume she was referring to anything else.

[Haiku]

Is it possible that she hasn't seen the movie in a long time and only has a vague idea of it being a story about an orphan with a happy ending?

 

I don't know, she also wrote that it's currently her daughter's favorite movie ...

 

I don't think that she meant to hurt me. She really is a friend, not just a "friend," but ... I just feel like the depth of her, I don't know, incorrect attitude about adoption might preclude her understanding what I am saying? I waffle between wanting to be a strong advocate for adoption and feeling like I don't want to "get into it" if it might not go well. I guess I am just shocked, because I thought she was more "enlightened" about adoption than this note seems to indicate.

 

Tara

[Janna]

Honestly? I wouldn't take offense to it. For one, she sent you a gift for your kids. That in itself was thoughtful. As far as the note, assuming that she's correct and your kids were adopted out of an orphanage, it reads to me that she really thought that this was a kind gesture. The "Daddy Warbucks" reference was a compliment, in my opinion. Not necessarily because he was rich, but because he really, deeply loved Annie. Obviously you love your kids more than they were loved in the orphanage and that alone is wealth. But even as living pay check to pay check and not having a yacht, you're still very wealthy compared to what they did know. She just didn't word it well, but a lot of people, myself included, don't always word things the way they intend them. Perhaps she was hasty in getting the package in the mail and wrote the note quickly (thus the lack of wrapping?), or perhaps she was overwhelmed in another sense for one reason or another. Or maybe she just simply doesn't express herself well on paper.

 

If she's never done anything in the past to make you raise your eyebrows, and I assume she hasn't since you called her a "friend", then I would let this slide off your back and appreciate her thoughtfulness. Maybe it would be better for you to present the movie to your kids saying, "this is from ___! Isn't that so sweet?" and then explain in a way that you are comfortable with and that your kids will understand, why she thought of them with this movie. Or say nothing at all.

 

(((Tara)))

[Kathy in MD]

.......But at the same time, I'm guessing she's just thinking that they would somehow 'relate' to the orphan in the story. And I'm also guessing that she's complimenting you as being the heroes of the story. Is it possible that she hasn't seen the movie in a long time and only has a vague idea of it being a story about an orphan with a happy ending? That's my sense of the movie (haven't seen it in decades). The note changes in meaning if you see it from that perspective....

 

As an individual who suffers a lot from foot-in-mouth disease, I could see myself thinking along these lines as I struggle to write a note. And I have a ds and a neice, as well as 2 cousins, who were adopted, so it's no like I'm unaware.

 

So for the sake of all of us who suffer from foot-in-mouth disease, please give the benifit of a doubt. We promise to return the favor.

[Haiku]

I'm not generally sensitive about the adoption issue. I guess the reason this is so shocking to me is because it comes from someone close to me and not from a stranger. I am the queen of smiling through verbal adoption faux pas and gently correcting, such as, "Oh, do you mean her birth parents?" or "Well, we feel like WE are the lucky ones, our children are so wonderful." I guess I felt like my circle of friends was "safe," and that I wouldn't have to get into the whole adoption thing with them. I guess, in thinking about it, that's what bothers me so much. I didn't think we would have "adoption issues" with friends.

 

Tara

[Harriet Vane]

I don't know, she also wrote that it's currently her daughter's favorite movie ...

 

I don't think that she meant to hurt me. She really is a friend, not just a "friend," but ... I just feel like the depth of her, I don't know, incorrect attitude about adoption might preclude her understanding what I am saying? I waffle between wanting to be a strong advocate for adoption and feeling like I don't want to "get into it" if it might not go well. I guess I am just shocked, because I thought she was more "enlightened" about adoption than this note seems to indicate.

 

Tara

 

Okay, if she is really a friend, then assume she meant well and is clueless because she does not live with it as you do. Approach your conversation with her with a heart that knows she is your friend, and help her understand why this wasn't a good idea. It sounds to me that, because she has not lived with the reality, she hasn't thought through what her choice of gift and her note really say. As someone who cares about you, I would imagine she will be horrified when she realizes she has hurt you.

 

On the other hand, if she is not horrified, and not willing to hear your perspective, then you will know to shake the dust from your feet and move on. But because you describe her as your friend, I think you should try to talk this through.

 

I'm sorry it hurts. :grouphug:

[dawn of ns]

Hmm. Well, I'd just chuck out the note if it irks you & enjoy the film. I'm guessing your kids are adopted?

 

I'm the proud auntie to 2 adopted nephews. I don't think I'd send a note like that because we just don't make a big deal of how our families are formed.

 

But at the same time, I'm guessing she's just thinking that they would somehow 'relate' to the orphan in the story. And I'm also guessing that she's complimenting you as being the heroes of the story. Is it possible that she hasn't seen the movie in a long time and only has a vague idea of it being a story about an orphan with a happy ending? That's my sense of the movie (haven't seen it in decades). The note changes in meaning if you see it from that perspective....

 

That sounds right. Maybe she's tactless and insensitive or maybe she felt the movie expressed something she felt, that your kids were precious, wonderful people who'd found a loving family but was simply expressing that clumsily.

 

If she's been a good friend then you should probably not go through the bother of taking offense and simply assume she meant the best. Then just toss the note so the kids don't read it. :)

[Danestress]

and tell her how much the kids loved the movie and how thoughtful she is. But I would send the note back to her in my note and say, "but to be honest, I didn't let them see this. Maybe I am sensitive, but I never want them to identify with stereotypes of poor little orphans "rescued" by adoptive parents. I hope you understand." Something like that.

[Jenn in Mo]

I don't know, she also wrote that it's currently her daughter's favorite movie ...

 

I don't think that she meant to hurt me. She really is a friend, not just a "friend," but ... I just feel like the depth of her, I don't know, incorrect attitude about adoption might preclude her understanding what I am saying? I waffle between wanting to be a strong advocate for adoption and feeling like I don't want to "get into it" if it might not go well. I guess I am just shocked, because I thought she was more "enlightened" about adoption than this note seems to indicate.

 

Tara

 

I totally see what you're saying. But there's nothing wrong with needing some "enlightening". Since you are friends and you have first-hand experience, I'm sure you will be a wonderful window for her to grow in understanding with. We all have stuff to learn. I wouldn't chalk it up to her being less of a person or even being unthoughtful.....just inexperienced in this area.

 

I have two friends with adopted children and I've committed my own faux pas, I know. One friend had adopted 5 children all at once a few years before I met her. They all look so much alike and I assumed they were all from the same family, esp. since they were adopted at the same time. When something was said that sounded otherwise, I asked if they were not siblings before.....wrong question. Her smile became a bit brittle and she said they ARE siblings. Well, I know that and didn't mean to imply otherwise. It was just a curiousity question. I've since learned (from this board) that it is absolutely taboo to discuss whether children were siblings before or not. With my other friend, I was walking on eggshells in this area because I am very aware of my un-enlightenment. I did NOT want to offend. The funny thing is, she was DYING to talk about her girls and their beginnings and was nearly offended that I didn't show more interest. :001_huh:

 

As an unenlightened person, I'd encourage you to give her the benefit of the doubt. Take her by the hand and show her a better way to handle these things. If she's anything like me, she'll appreciate it immensely!:)

[laughing lioness]

The tackiest gift I ever saw given was a box of horse manure. We were at a business gift exchange- these are all people with master's or Ph.D degrees. One of the principals of the company gave a box of horse sh*t (their word) to another employee whose name they had drawn. The box was full and fragrant. We all just sat in stunned horror as the owner and her dh literally laughed till they cried. Some people...

[Julie in CA]

It does sound a little bit like you're ascribing motives to her that she doesn't hold. You are clearly disappointed about a perceived insult and bias against adoption, but I seriously doubt that's what she meant to convey. In all honesty, (I'm saying this with good intentions) is it possible you might be just a teensy bit defensive about the issue?

 

You're disappointed because she's perhaps misunderstanding your situation, and you sound a bit angry because you don't think a good friend should behave that way.

 

A good friend would also give her friend the benefit of the doubt, and probably assume the best of someone rather than the worst. If this person has been a true friend (such that you'd be surprised she'd write such a thing), then perhaps you really are reading the wrong thing into it.

 

There are two choices here...either she sent the movie and note blatantly intending to hurt you and your dc (does this really seem likely??), or she sent the movie and note with clumsy good intentions. If you really believe that you've misjudged her the whole time you've known her, and she really is that "small", than you should discontinue contact.

 

Otherwise, I don't think I'd do anything other than present the movie to my dc (without the note, obviously), and then if the subject comes up, I'd gently correct any misperceptions she may have regarding adoption.

 

Either way, I'm sure sorry your feelings were hurt. It's awful to be blindsided with emotional pain like that.:(

[T Baer]

A friend of mine sent me a package for the kids for Christmas. I opened it, not knowing that it wasn't wrapped. Thank goodness I did! My friend sent the kids the movie Annie. The note said (I kid you not), "I knew your kids would love this since they actually lived in orphanages and were adopted by their own 'Daddy Warbucks.'"

 

:eek: :blink: :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but ... W.T.F???

 

They say it's the thought the counts, but ... what was the thought behind this? "No one cares for you a smidge when you're in an orphanage!" So be grateful that you got adopted, you little orphans??

 

And just to clarify, we aren't even close to Daddy Warbucks. We ran out of money from dh's last check before he got paid again today. And not because we were paying the mortgage on our vacation house and buying fuel for our yacht.

 

I don't even know what to say to this friend, or if I should say anything at all. How does one respond to that kind of ... I don't even know what it is???

 

Tara

 

years ago that I thought would be fine to watch with my son, boy! was I wrong. Perhaps because I am older and know my son, but this movie was not for him. It took watching it to remember what was really going on.

Maybe this is the case for your friend. I am hoping it's so. Is this the 1st time that she was insensitive? If so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. I probably say, "boy I wish we did have Daddy Warbucks money" or "Alot of people think the movie, "Annie" is a great movie, because of...., but it doesn't fit our family because of....."

[Colleen]

I agree on all counts with Julie. I almost hate to admit this ~ maybe it reflects poorly on me ~ but when I read the original subject line, I expected the "tackiest, most insensitive gift in the universe" to be something much worse than what your children received, Tara. The note sounds weird, yes, but since it was written by a true friend, I'd just toss it and give her the benefit of the doubt. She wanted to share with your children something that her own daughter is enjoying. Still, I'd have trouble sharing the movie with them just because I can not abide Annie. ("Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love you, tomorrow! You're only a da-a-a-y aw-a-a-a-y..." It's like nails on a chalkboard, no?;))

[Joanne]

Hm. I guess you can count me in as ignorant and clueless. :confused:

 

I see several posters aghast with you, so I'm inclined to suspect a known (to some at least) faux pax has happened. While I think the movie and note were....trite, I don't think they were ill intended. It's really more of an insult to orphanages than to orphans or families who adopt. She wasn't referring to money/you with Daddy Warbucks, but he happens to be the (monied) character in the play.

 

Please, someone, link me to a list of "do's and don'ts" with regard to families that include an adopted child. I didn't know, for example, that mention of biological siblings is verboten.:confused:

 

I think it's common for sub-cultures to develop vernacular, expectations, standards and commonalities as they grow and emerge. I recognize it in the AP community (Does your baby sleep through the night yet asked by an in law sends a new AP mom into convulsions), in the vegetarian community (can't you have soup? It's only chicken stock), in the recovery community (You can miss a meeting this time).... I'm fairly inexperienced about the shared frustrations and concerns and protocol on families who adopt.

[Haiku]

(I'm saying this with good intentions) is it possible you might be just a teensy bit defensive about the issue?

 

I guess. I'm not used to being sensitive about adoption.

 

you don't think a good friend should behave that way.

Yeah, I guess I would just never in a million years dream of sending to kids who were in orphanages a movie that has the song "Hard-Knock Life" in it. It just seems ... really weird not to consider the other side of that idea ... my kids might feel like they were unloved and mistreated in the orphanage, which was not the case (one remembers, one doesn't).

 

I do give her the benefit of the doubt in that I don't think she did this to be mean or obnoxious. I just don't know how in the world to address this. It just seems huge to me ... I guess kinda like sending kids with an immune disorder the movie "Boy in the Bubble" (complete with John Travolta).

 

Anyway, dh and I decided years ago never to show the movie Annie to our kids. Perhaps they'll view it some day, but it won't be coming from us. We did, however, tell them all about Little Orphan Annie the other day after watching A Christmas Story.

 

Tara

 

ETA: I guess it bears explaining that having kids think that they are "lucky" to be adopted is not considered a good idea in the adoption community ... at least not telling them they are lucky or expecting them to feel grateful. Many adopted adults do end up feeling lucky, but it seems like an unreasonable burden to put on a child who be struggling with very valid adoption issues and then feel guilty for not being perfectly happy with this good, saintly, rich family who took them in. Additionally, the idea that a child's life before adoption was horrible and that after adoption it is all roses is not only often untrue but it also is a huge judgement about adopted kids. Many of them had good lives and have wonderful memories of families, friends, and loved ones pre-adoption. I felt like the note insinuated that my kids should feel lucky and the movie portrays the sad, unloved orphan/happy, problem-free adoptee dichotomy.

 

I don't mean to insult people who don't know all the adoption lingo. Verbal faux pas don't really bother me, nor do sincere (even if misguided) inquiries. I just felt that the note and the movie were not well thought out, and, like I said, I didn't think my cirlce of friends and my home (where I received this gift) were places that I had to be on my guard.

Edited December 16, 2008 by TaraTheLiberator

[Jenn in Mo]

I do give her the benefit of the doubt in that I don't think she did this to be mean or obnoxious. I just don't know how in the world to address this. It just seems huge to me ... I guess kinda like sending kids with an immune disorder the movie "Boy in the Bubble" (complete with John Travolta).

 

 

*shudders*

 

That would be awful. Actually, sending that movie to anyone would be heinous.

[Emmy]

Is it possible that she is clueless and just thought it was a cute idea?

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

 

:iagree:I would guess she truly thought it was a fun idea. Well that and she's quite possibly an idiot.....

[OnTheBrink]

I'm guessing she doesn't realize how the gift and note have come across. I'd write her a note or call her and explain how it was perceived, exchange the movie for a family movie you all can enjoy and give her the credit for the gift. I don't think she meant any harm; she was probably trying to give a compliment and ended up chewing her shoe a bit.

[Colleen]

I do give her the benefit of the doubt in that I don't think she did this to be mean or obnoxious.

 

I think you need to just stop there. Not, "I do give her benefit of the doubt, BUT...".

 

I just don't know how in the world to address this. It just seems huge to me.

 

It seems huge to you because you are the one familiar with adoption. You view this through a different lens. You're naturally reading a lot into a movie that in all likelihood your friend just views as harmless. Why do you need to address this at all? Accept it as a well-intended gift and move on. Don't get me wrong. I do understand your upset, but I truly don't believe you need to magnify the issue by teaching her a lesson, so to speak.

[Colleen]

The only thing tackier than a tacky gift, imo, is a recipient telling the giver that his/her gift was tacky. Okay, we can assume Tara wouldn't express herself in those terms, ("Your gift was tacky"), but bottom line, the giver receives the message loud and clear that her gift was wrong. And that, in turn, is wrong.

[emzhengjiu]

Depending on the child a movie such as Annie could be very painful. Both my daughters have seen the movie. They handled it well because we discussed it thoroughly before hand. Plus both girls have matured to the point that references to orphanages don't hurt as much now. Also the desire to watch the movie came from them. They had seen an advertisement for it a year or so ago. But I simply can't imagine someone sending my girls the movie with such a note even though your friend probably didn't mean to be insensitive. I'm glad you intercepted the gift first. Frankly I rarely discuss adoption issues with anybody anymore who isn't in a similar situation so I don't have any great advice on how to approach your friend.

 

Judy

[MBH]

I think it was gift and she did not mean to hurt you. Sometimes people say things without realizing how it comes across.

 

I would thank her and let it go.

 

I have had to do that many times. Specially when it comes to homeschooling because I know most people who do not homeschool, do not know how much work it involves.

[Julie in Austin]

Hm. I guess you can count me in as ignorant and clueless. :confused:

 

I see several posters aghast with you, so I'm inclined to suspect a known (to some at least) faux pax has happened. While I think the movie and note were....trite, I don't think they were ill intended. It's really more of an insult to orphanages than to orphans or families who adopt. She wasn't referring to money/you with Daddy Warbucks, but he happens to be the (monied) character in the play.

 

Please, someone, link me to a list of "do's and don'ts" with regard to families that include an adopted child. I didn't know, for example, that mention of biological siblings is verboten.:confused:

 

I think it's common for sub-cultures to develop vernacular, expectations, standards and commonalities as they grow and emerge. I recognize it in the AP community (Does your baby sleep through the night yet asked by an in law sends a new AP mom into convulsions), in the vegetarian community (can't you have soup? It's only chicken stock), in the recovery community (You can miss a meeting this time).... I'm fairly inexperienced about the shared frustrations and concerns and protocol on families who adopt.

 

:iagree:

 

We're considering adopting. I'm starting to realize that there are a lot of things I don't know. I would really appreciate some etiquette explanation because I'm worried that I might unintentionally be hurting people.

 

(Also, I haven't seen Annie since first grade. What's bad about it?)

[astrid]

I agree on all counts with Julie. I almost hate to admit this ~ maybe it reflects poorly on me ~ but when I read the original subject line, I expected the "tackiest, most insensitive gift in the universe" to be something much worse than what your children received, Tara. The note sounds weird, yes, but since it was written by a true friend, I'd just toss it and give her the benefit of the doubt. She wanted to share with your children something that her own daughter is enjoying. Still, I'd have trouble sharing the movie with them just because I can not abide Annie. ("Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love you, tomorrow! You're only a da-a-a-y aw-a-a-a-y..." It's like nails on a chalkboard, no?;))

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

[elizabeth]

Igor , a recent animated film starring the voice of John Cusack has highlighted the truly horrific pieces from the musical Annie. You will laugh until your sides hurt-really. It should be available on DVD very shortly. Regarding the "gift" well I think asking anyone to watch or listen to Annie is a sadistic act in and of itself. I just think that she meant well and so completely missed the mark on this one. You seem to have known her for quite some time thus I can only assume you have no reason to believe there was malice behind her note and gift. I have been wounded by comments made by people who I considered good friends and when reflecting on the words later I realized they just did not know better due to a lack of experience in the subject at hand. I am sorry that this has hurt you and worse made you question your own assessment of the friend. I am well aware of how derisive and inappropriate the comment was only because I have a dear friend who enlightened me on this mindset . I will not repeat what she said to people at the grocery store who inquired as to whether or not her Korean children were in fact "hers."

[cin]

:iagree:

 

We're considering adopting. I'm starting to realize that there are a lot of things I don't know. I would really appreciate some etiquette explanation because I'm worried that I might unintentionally be hurting people.

 

(Also, I haven't seen Annie since first grade. What's bad about it?)

 

Don't ask anything in front of the children. Don't ask how much did they cost? Don't ask if they are sisters (or siblings) in front of them. And don't even ask anything, if the parents seem to be shut down about the issue. (These people crack me up. Your child is Asian, and you are blonde. She's adopted, get over it!) I, myself, am not opposed to discussing it with people. I like to think that, by discussing it wiht them, I may be helpign a little one find their forever home. So I don't mind questions, if they are tastefully worded and not too much in front of the children.

 

HTH

 

Regarding the gift, I would just assume this: until you've walked in someone's shoes, you have NO IDEA what the heck is going on in their world. Only a person who is adopted or has adopted, can understand the emotional baggage of it. The movie Annie (and Stuart Little) can evoke some strong emotions that most people would NEVER dream of!

Edited December 16, 2008 by cin
I wasn't quite finished

[OnTheBrink]

The only thing tackier than a tacky gift, imo, is a recipient telling the giver that his/her gift was tacky. Okay, we can assume Tara wouldn't express herself in those terms, ("Your gift was tacky"), but bottom line, the giver receives the message loud and clear that her gift was wrong. And that, in turn, is wrong.

 

In your opinion.

 

In mine, lovingly explaining that the gift was inappropriate isn't wrong at all. Personally, I'd rather know what a recipient would consider inappropriate so I wouldn't repeat the gaffe than be lied to by omission.

[Danestress]

I might buy that movie for a family of girls, and the adoption connection wouldn't occur to me.

 

What was objectionable was the perpetuation of a stereotype (to the children themselves, no less) that adopted kids are poor little abandoned orphans and that parental parents are the rescuing Daddy Warbucks. It's just so icky.

 

I wouldn't call and say, "your gift was tacky" but I might carefully explain to my friend, having thanked her for the movie itself, that I am desperately trying to protect my children from the assumptions that people make about adoption and adopted children, so I hope she won't mind that I didn't pass along the note. I think that could be done in a way that wouldn't offend. But if they were my children, I probably would say something because I would want to let her know, every so gently, that there wouldn't be any "poor little orphans rescued by the wealthy Daddy" jokes in my house.

[Danestress]

I wrote this post, totally forgetting that I had already responded in this thread. Long day I guess. Sorry if I am being repetitive, ladies.

[Tree House Academy]

I think if she is a close friend, you should say something...but feel her out first. She may have been totally excited and thought this was a great idea...like a pp said...by Daddy Warbucks, maybe she was just thinking of how Annie found such a perfect home and a happy life after her time in the orphanage. I don't know. Not something I would have done and tact is just completely lacking...but don't ruin your friendship for it. Do enlighten her gently if you are pretty sure she meant well.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

and tell her how much the kids loved the movie and how thoughtful she is. But I would send the note back to her in my note and say, "but to be honest, I didn't let them see this. Maybe I am sensitive, but I never want them to identify with stereotypes of poor little orphans "rescued" by adoptive parents. I hope you understand." Something like that.

 

I just don't understand how, if this woman is a friend to you in the true sense, you wouldn't be able to kindly tell her that the movie is not a good fit for your family, and why. To convey that, while you love her and appreciate her thinking of you, you have reasons not to show it to your kids. To explain that the notions she described in her note don't fit with your thinking about adoption.

 

Why is it so wrong to share openly our feelings with our friends? What I am saying is, can you do so lovingly, with the best intentions, and with the ever-present knowledge that this woman gave the gift from the same base? Isn't this what communication and friendship are made of?

 

Communication, in the sense that it is done with some vulnerability, is what makes our relationships deeper and more profound. If you constantly put on a face for this woman, and never talk to her about your real feelings, she will never know you. And she will continue to purchase gifts that reflect that fact.

 

If she matters to you, go the extra mile. If she doesn't, let it roll of your back and move on. That's my $.02.

 

I hope, Tara, that you can find peace with this situation in the meantime. These feelings can be very difficult to rest in.

[wide eyes & laughter]

Hmm. Well, I'd just chuck out the note if it irks you & enjoy the film. I'm guessing your kids are adopted?

 

I'm the proud auntie to 2 adopted nephews. I don't think I'd send a note like that because we just don't make a big deal of how our families are formed.

 

But at the same time, I'm guessing she's just thinking that they would somehow 'relate' to the orphan in the story. And I'm also guessing that she's complimenting you as being the heroes of the story. Is it possible that she hasn't seen the movie in a long time and only has a vague idea of it being a story about an orphan with a happy ending? That's my sense of the movie (haven't seen it in decades). The note changes in meaning if you see it from that perspective....

 

I would try to see it as thoughtful even if clueless :)

[WTMindy]

Honestly? I wouldn't take offense to it. For one, she sent you a gift for your kids. That in itself was thoughtful. As far as the note, assuming that she's correct and your kids were adopted out of an orphanage, it reads to me that she really thought that this was a kind gesture. The "Daddy Warbucks" reference was a compliment, in my opinion. Not necessarily because he was rich, but because he really, deeply loved Annie. Obviously you love your kids more than they were loved in the orphanage and that alone is wealth. But even as living pay check to pay check and not having a yacht, you're still very wealthy compared to what they did know. She just didn't word it well, but a lot of people, myself included, don't always word things the way they intend them. Perhaps she was hasty in getting the package in the mail and wrote the note quickly (thus the lack of wrapping?), or perhaps she was overwhelmed in another sense for one reason or another. Or maybe she just simply doesn't express herself well on paper.

 

If she's never done anything in the past to make you raise your eyebrows, and I assume she hasn't since you called her a "friend", then I would let this slide off your back and appreciate her thoughtfulness. Maybe it would be better for you to present the movie to your kids saying, "this is from ___! Isn't that so sweet?" and then explain in a way that you are comfortable with and that your kids will understand, why she thought of them with this movie. Or say nothing at all.

 

(((Tara)))

 

I agree. I'm sure she meant it with a good heart. It is pretty tacky, but I wouldn't let it get in the way of a friendship.

[Laura in VA]

I'm with you, Tara. First of all, I wouldn't let my dc watch that movie. I had forgotten how really rotten it was until it was on tv the other night and we began watching it. I turned it off after a few minutes. My dd (4) is adopted from China, and if I ever had a "friend" send that movie to me, with that note attached, I'd be ticked. Is your friend completely clueless? Is she sarcastic? Only you know what her intentions may have been behind it, but even if she was trying to be nice you need to kindly set her straight. What if she had made that comment in front of your dc? I'm really sorry that happened to you. I don't know what else to say, but :grouphug:s to you.

[chaik76]

I'm with you, Tara. First of all, I wouldn't let my dc watch that movie. I had forgotten how really rotten it was until it was on tv the other night and we began watching it. I turned it off after a few minutes. My dd (4) is adopted from China, and if I ever had a "friend" send that movie to me, with that note attached, I'd be ticked. Is your friend completely clueless? Is she sarcastic? Only you know what her intentions may have been behind it, but even if she was trying to be nice you need to kindly set her straight. What if she had made that comment in front of your dc? I'm really sorry that happened to you. I don't know what else to say, but :grouphug:s to you.

Those of us who haven't adopted don't understand this though, do you see? I would never, ever have expected that people would have a problem with the movie Annie. You can, of course, be angry...because those are your feelings. But please don't ascribe motive to those of us who might not understand. I still love the movie Annie. My children would be allowed to watch it any time they wanted to...but of course, I don't have adopted children...in a sense it is like someone who doesn't have children trying to understand something about someone who does...they can't.

 

Now...I wouldn't have sent the movie, or the note. Mostly because I never know what other people like to watch or allow their children to watch. I also don't expect gratitude out of children...four of my cousins had their parents die and were taken in by family who did expect gratitude and the children to appreciate their "blessings"...but that is also something that not all people understand until they have gone through it.

 

I just don't attribute anything mean to this woman. I think she made a serious faux paus...because she really, truly didn't know. And she should be treated with kindness, and an explanation, so that something like this doesn't happen in the future.

 

ETA: This isn't particularly addressed at you, Laura in Va. I'm just trying to explain it from the point of view of those of us who have never gone through this. While I probably wouldn't commit this faux paus, I can imagine that I might commit others...I hope someone would have the kindness to explain what I did to me, without assuming I was trying to be rude or mean (as you mentioned in your post that you would do if someone was doing this with good intentions).

Edited December 16, 2008 by chaik76

[Michelle in MO]

tempted to send it back, with a note thanking her for thinking of you, but explaining the truth of your situation.

 

I don't know. It's really beyond belief that someone would do that. Perhaps it was intended as a joke, but it does come across as completely callous.

 

So sorry about this situation, and praying you'll have the wisdom to know how or if to respond. :grouphug:

[Happy]

I'm an adoptive mom and I think the giver meant only the best. (Annie certainly never bothered me or my sons. Home Alone did...imagine a mother and father FORGETTING one of their children.)

 

I think you are a bit more than defensive about the subject of adoption. Most people outside the 'adoption' community simply don't know the 'rules.'

 

It's a bit like homeschooling, right? Until you've lived it, you don't really know the ins and outs. Let it roll. ASSUME people mean well. Do NOT project.

[OhM]

It's a bit like homeschooling, right? Until you've lived it, you don't really know the ins and outs. Let it roll. ASSUME people mean well. Do NOT project.

 

I agree (of course, easy for me to say - being outside the adoption community and besides that, so awkward that I can easily see myself sending "horrifically tacky" gifts.)

 

Mercy is a wonderful thing - both for the giver and receiver.

 

 

I think it's common for sub-cultures to develop vernacular, expectations, standards and commonalities as they grow and emerge. I recognize it in the AP community (Does your baby sleep through the night yet asked by an in law sends a new AP mom into convulsions), in the vegetarian community (can't you have soup? It's only chicken stock), in the recovery community (You can miss a meeting this time)....

 

This reminds me of a friend's situation - she had been part of a study on kidney disease and was eating a very strict, very low protein diet. Her MIL was extremely upset that she couldn't eat the ham at Easter dinner one year, though df was perfectly happy sticking to the dishes she could eat. Her solution? She fixed her a hamburger. :confused: DF just laughed it off. It gave her a good story to share with her friends who "understood."

[Haiku]

 

I think you are a bit more than defensive about the subject of adoption.

 

No, I don't think I am. We are a conspicuously adoptive family and I have had all kinds of weird and insensitive comments made to me about adoption and they don't bother me. This one, particular instance seems extremely over the top to me. One instance out of, literally, hundreds. Had it just been the movie, I would have blown it off, because, like many people have pointed out, most people probably just don't get it. It's the note that did it. I think it's just incredibly ... stupid. Ok, I said it. I think it was a stupid, stupid thing to say. I don't hate my friend or think she's a terrible person. I'm just very surprised that anyone would think it's ok to say something like that.

 

But once again, it's ONE instance in 5 years of being an adoptive family that has upset me.

 

Tara

[linders]

nm

[Chris in VA]

Thanks for all the info on adoption etiquette. My brother and sil adopted both their sons from Guatemala. Upon meeting my nephew for the first time (at a restaurant--they had brought him to a dinner being held for my parents) I explained our excitement to the waitress by saying, "New adopted baby!" I said it with great pride and love-- but I probably just should've said "New baby!" or "This is the first time I've met my nephew!" and just left the adopted part out of it.

 

I certainly didn't mean to offend.

 

And, fwiw, Annie was set in the Depression, wasn't it? So, in the movie, the orphanages were pretty bad. And today, some kids come from pretty bad orphanages, still. I've had experience with the Romanian orphanages of the 90's, for example. So why is it so bad to be grateful that someone came and helped one of the children, and didn't they rescue that child, so to speak, from a bad situation? I think I understand about perpetuating the stereotype, but sometimes the stereotype is true--in that case, is it acceptable to say to the parent (w/o the child present) that you think they did a good thing in adopting? I truly want to know, because I'm pretty obtuse about a lot of social things, and I never, ever want to offend someone that way.

 

One of my acquaintances has all adopted kids, and just adopted 3 brothers (who were siblings before the adoption, just for clarity's sake) more--I can't wait to meet them all. I need the protocol so I don't put my foot in my mouth yet again. I'd never say, "Oh, aren't you (the kids) glad you were adopted?" or anything like that, but I might say, "It's so nice to meet you!"

[Erica in PA]

"I knew your kids would love this since they actually lived in orphanages and were adopted by their own 'Daddy Warbucks.'"

 

I've thought about this since first reading your post last night... I interpret this note differently than you do. To me, it means, "I think your kids will love this movie because they will be able to relate to the situation, and especially to the happy ending that they share with the main character (being adopted by someone wonderful who loves them)." She probably thought about your kids while she watched with her dd, and thought they would love the movie just as much if not more, because they could relate to some of the experiences.

 

This probably is more upsetting to you because of the specific choice of movie, since you said that you and dh had agreed long ago to never let your kids watch that. But others who have also adopted have posted here that that movie is fine for their families. So it's not as though "Annie" across the board is considered a horrid movie for adopted children. I respect that you view it that way, but I think it's understandable that someone who isn't as familiar with the issues involved with adoption would see it differently.

 

I would let the hard feelings go, see the gift as the well-meaning mis-fire that it was for your family, and exchange the movie for something else that you would like for your kids. If I said anything at all to my friend (and I don't necessarily think you need to say anything), I might just tell her that I appreciated her thoughtfulness, but that there were some things in Annie that I wasn't comfortable with, so I exchanged it for another movie.

 

Erica