Beat up by life (I need less drama in life)

[Pamela H in Texas]

I just feel beat up by life.  It seems everything is going awfully. I try to focus on the positives; but I can't help but see the negatives piling up!  What do you do when everything seems to be going wrong?

For example, we stayed in the nastiest AirBnB between our rental and getting back into our own home.  I tried to focus on things like "at least we have a roof overhead" or "the backyard was really nice". But it was hard to not notice all that was REALLY wrong with this place!  I tried to take back some control by calling AirBnB and leaving an honest review, but...

Then when we get home, I try to remember, we're home rather than how we will have to change out sheetrock (!) and flooring because of our renters. And then our driveway buckled (which makes a huge boom when it happens, btw). 

I try to focus on the kids who are doing okay or better; but I'm significantly worried about a couple.  One is having severe medical issues which gives me flashbacks of when we almost lost another child.  Another has turned into a rebellious, ultra-immature teenager all of a sudden after being the greatest one ever.

I'm stressed so much I don't think I can handle being a CASA at this point.  I'm forgetting med refills.  I'm having trouble keeping up the house (though middle daughter and hubby help a lot).   

PLEASE life, lose the DRAMA.  I need calm and quiet in my life.  I don't do negative things well.

Sorry for one of my first posts back to be so filled with CRUD. 

What do YOU do when life just seems to get to be so out of whack?  Or have you found a way to not be here in the first place?

[saraha]

Aw, I’m sorry. Hugs for you and your family.

[lmrich]

So sorry - sometimes the strongest people need a break, too. You have been holding up so much and being positive in a negative situation can be exhausting. 

I had a friend who had a similar path - not one big thing but a thousand paper cuts. She was able to visit with me in the mountains. At first we had plans for hiking and kayaking. It turned into two days of sitting on the couch, talking, resting, and eating. I hope you can find a place to rest; it made all the difference for her. 

[TexasProud]

I don't know that I can give advice, just commiserate. I am writing a piece right now where I am working through this. Somehow, there is a balance. You have to allow space to say, this is just crappy and you need/have a right to grieve all that you lost/are losing.  Stuffing that down isn't healthy.  And I was team "toxic positivity" for a really long time. And I tend to be overwhelming positive in public. I told a friend about my severe depression and suicidal thoughts that I had 8 years ago now and she was absolutely shocked. And she saw me on a daily basis and was my best friend during that time and had absolutely no idea.  On the other hand, dwelling on all of the mess isn't necessarily healthy either. On here I tend to vent/dump all of my woe is me.  People tend to worry about me here because I am overwhelmingly negative. 

Somewhere in between is healthy. I am currently reading a book called What if it is Wonderful? https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09831GN4W/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

It is a Christian book by a woman who has faced a lot of loss, especially a lot of miscarriages. She writes about finding hope, while not ignoring the suffering in life.  I am finding it helpful. 

[Kassia]

Big hugs to you.  I am going through the same thing.  It's just one thing after another after another and it's just piling up and crushing me.  I'm sorry for you and everyone else dealing with this as well.  

Don't do what I do - stress eat.  I've gained a bunch of weight and my clothes don't fit,which just all results in even more stress.  

[TexasProud]

Just now, Kassia said:

 

Don't do what I do - stress eat.  I've gained a bunch of weight and my clothes don't fit,which just all results in even more stress.  

Yep, it is horrible. I tried on all of the scrubs for the mission trip and they no longer fit from 3 years ago.  None of my clothes do.  I HATE HATE HATE the way I look. 

[Catwoman]

I don't have any advice for you, Pamela, but I'm so sorry things are going so badly. 😞 

[Katy]

I’m sorry you’re stressed. Being a CASA might help by giving you perspective. Or it might be the final straw. Only you know that.  A bad place to stay (common), a rebellious teen (which is normal even if surprising), and health problems (also common) are all things that might not stress you out at all when you’re dealing with the complex problems many families with kids in foster care have. 

[mommyoffive]

Sending some hugs.  I am sorry everything is piling up right now.  

What do I do when that happens?  Sleep.  For me it is just escaping the problems for a bit and relaxing. 

Other things that help me escape for a bit a walk or bike ride.  I used to like to get lost in a book or tv show.

Oh and then I treat myself with something.  Tea, chocolate and something crunchy.  Snuggle my puppies or one of the kids that is in the mood.  Look at old happy pictures.  

Then usually I cry my eyes out to dh and he talks me positively through things and gets to work trying to handle what he can.  After however long that takes me to cycle through that stuff depending on how bad things are, then I can get back into helping and dealing with life. 

Life has been a bit hard for me this summer too.  And I hit a really really low point of my life during the pandemic.  I feel like I am still dealing with that.  

[Pamela H in Texas]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

Don't do what I do - stress eat.  I've gained a bunch of weight and my clothes don't fit,which just all results in even more stress. 

Yeah, I'm up a bit because of poor choices and overeating.  Working on it though.  But its another stress. Hopefully, you get some relief soon and can get back to where you're comfortable.

[Pamela H in Texas]

25 minutes ago, Katy said:

all things that might not stress you out at all when you’re dealing with the complex problems many families with kids in foster care have. 

Well, I definitely think it can give perspective.  Somewhat.  My CASA case is pretty easy (which is nice for all involved).  But after fostering 50 kids (having adopted five), I definitely get that some families have significant concerns.  

I think the issue really is that its so much at one time.  But slowly, each will resolve.  The flooring is about to be done, for example.  And that will be so nice that it won't matter that the renters ruined the other flooring.  The AirBnB is behind us.  The specialists will figure out the right treatment for the one son.  The middle kids won't all be teens forever (of course, then it'll be the little two!  LOL). It'll all come together.  There is just some stress today (and the last few months).  But it'll all be fine in the end.  

I just needed to vent, I think.  And always nice to get some great ideas on making it through 🙂

[Harriet Vane]

Warm hugs. It sounds intense! 

Is there a way to do something that feeds your soul each day, even if just for thirty minutes? Is there a project you enjoy or a place you like to go?

[Pamela H in Texas]

4 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Is there a way to do something that feeds your soul each day, even if just for thirty minutes? Is there a project you enjoy or a place you like to go?

No.  But maybe I need to fix that. 

[fairfarmhand]

I’m sorry life seems to be piling on. One thing about the teen—my easy kid feels a lot of pressure to be easy. So when she goes through a bad time she gets frustrated about the expectations that she’s never “allowed” to do that. She tends to absorb negativity and hard stuff so maybe your teen is reacting to the chaos and hard stuff? 
 

we had 7 years of one hard thing after another. It’s the pits. 
 

hope things turn around for you soon

[Pamela H in Texas]

52 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

maybe your teen is reacting to the chaos and hard stuff? 

Of course it makes sense that if I'm struggling, the kids likely are also. They also have been through this tough move, the house's condition, worrying about brother, etc, right?  Add that, though I'm trying not to lose it particularly obviously, they may also be sensing some of my internal chaos.  Kids seem to have radars for that.  

I do think a big part of things with this kiddo is that teen has always been a bit young for age so probably just hit this more challenging time a lot later than other kids might. It just makes her seem even more immature as she is asserting herself. But if I hear "I'm XX" as if that means teen is grown one more time, I might start pinching off heads (your signature)!

[Pamela H in Texas]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

we had 7 years of one hard thing after another. It’s the pits. 

Oh goodness!  Hopefully you're past that and never have to get anywhere close to it again!

[fairfarmhand]

49 minutes ago, Pamela H in Texas said:

Of course it makes sense that if I'm struggling, the kids likely are also. They also have been through this tough move, the house's condition, worrying about brother, etc, right?  Add that, though I'm trying not to lose it particularly obviously, they may also be sensing some of my internal chaos.  Kids seem to have radars for that.  

I do think a big part of things with this kiddo is that teen has always been a bit young for age so probably just hit this more challenging time a lot later than other kids might. It just makes her seem even more immature as she is asserting herself. But if I hear "I'm XX" as if that means teen is grown one more time, I might start pinching off heads (your signature)!

Oh yes. I hate that. You might be a chronological age but that can mean different things depending on the kid.

48 minutes ago, Pamela H in Texas said:

Oh goodness!  Hopefully you're past that and never have to get anywhere close to it again!

The last 12-18 months have been relatively peaceful. Even though this summer we ripped up all our carpet to replace with hardwood and were having a major drought in our area which is likely going to mean we’ll have to sell cattle.
 

All that seems easy as compared to that 7 year period where we had deaths and cancer and mental health admissions and Covid and all kinds of crazy stuff happen. It was like every 12-18 months something huge would happen and it create major stress and strain.

even now, our go to statement at the end of hard days is “well, nobody died today.”

hang in there! It’ll get better and you’ll get through it!

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

we had 7 years of one hard thing after another. It’s the pits. 
 

 

We're at 5 years  - almost to the day.  I can't imagine another two years.  Hoping that your streak ends very soon and that the future holds many good things.

[pitterpatter]

Can you put your meds on auto fill and possibly home delivery?

[Ting Tang]

I'm so sorry.  Lately, I have been thinking about the pandemic lockdowns.  I know the pandemic has been so hard on people as were the lockdowns, but there was also a group of people who honestly just needed a "pause" on life.  Now, despite the illness still in circulation, people are back to their busy lives.  Back to the stressors.  For me, Covid worries on top of it all just compound the stress.  

[scbusf]

Commiseration here. Definitely do something for yourself every day. It can be small - a good cup of coffee, take a quick walk, etc. 

this has been our summer of house stuff - outdoor faucet replaced because it was leaking and causing huge puddles in the yard, ant infestation, new A/C unit, and new hot water heater. Our kids are also super complicated - eating disorder for one, epilepsy for one, multiple learning disabilities for the other. 
 

 

[KSera]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

we had 7 years of one hard thing after another. It’s the pits. 
 

It’s actually a real  encouragement to me to hear you say that in the past tense.  We’re in the middle of a many year stretch and part of what gets me through is the thought that at some point things might improve and it won’t necessarily be like this forever. 

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

We're at 5 years  - almost to the day.  I can't imagine another two years.  Hoping that your streak ends very soon and that the future holds many good things.

Commiseration here. 

[Spryte]

Completely relate. It’s been one thing after another for so long now, it’s hard to remember normalcy.

Here, I have a few things that help, but hands down the one that helps most is inviting a friend over for coffee and just hanging out. You know those friends that can come over when the house is a mess and you’re still in your pajamas — and it doesn’t matter? That one. Preferably DH can hang out, too, and we just laugh a lot.

DH and I hang out and drink espresso on the porch a lot, and just talk. That helps.

If that can’t happen, then I go for a combo the usual self care stuff. 

[Pamela H in Texas]

1 hour ago, scbusf said:

Our kids are also super complicated - eating disorder for one, epilepsy for one, multiple learning disabilities for the other. 

I am so sorry for the issues y'all are experiencing.  IME it doesn't really get easier as they get older; it just gets different.  I could have written a whole post on my worries over each of my children.  FASD (and related problems) and medical problems (two kids, but especially one) are kicking our rears right now.

[Pamela H in Texas]

1 hour ago, scbusf said:

Definitely do something for yourself every day. It can be small - a good cup of coffee, take a quick walk, etc.

Now, I could probably get out for a walk each morning if not getting on the rower or something.  

[Starr]

I think all the crazy things in life do not get easier to navigate as we get older. You've certainly had it all with all of your children and their separate stories. You are probably doing better than you think. Hang in there. Your teen will come around and medical needs will sort out. All I have to offer this year is some fresh air and a nap. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Huge hugs, 

 Parenting  damaged foster children is HARD

I only have 2 adopted and it is a full time job for dh and I. 

How do I cope, I withdraw into myself. With limited contact with others. I focus on gardening and retro 1940s sewing. I just don't have the mental energy to communicate with other human beings. Plus nobody in real life here apart from the workers who come here have the slightest understanding of what it is like, what we are working on and why the boys behave how they do. It is embarrassing. 

The other week we got invited to someone locale's house for afternoon tea. That was the first time in 7 years(length of time we have had the boys) that dh and I with the boys have gone into someone's house(not family) together with the twins. They behaved beautifully, but it has taken us 7 years to get to that point. 

[Rosie_0801]

Finding a model for the stages of the stress cycle has helped a lot around here.

It's from 'The Tao of Trauma.' (If you want to read it, skip the first five chapters and any other woo-ish bits.)

 

1. Startle- something catches your attention.

2. Orientation- Where is it? What is it? Social response or fly or fight?

3. Response- Doing whichever seems the best choice at the time.

4. Completion- Successful completion (or realisation of false alarm.)

5. Integration- Processing what happened and what to learn from it.

 

The book lists common trauma symptoms that happen when someone is habitually prevented from completing this cycle properly.
So, because our subconscious doesn't really distinguish between fact and fiction, we often resolve issues around here by making a story of how the problem should have resolved, or been avoided in the first place. It's a messy process but it helps.

[Pamela H in Texas]

2 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Huge hugs, 

 Parenting  damaged foster children is HARD

I only have 2 adopted and it is a full time job for dh and I. 

How do I cope, I withdraw into myself. With limited contact with others. I focus on gardening and retro 1940s sewing. I just don't have the mental energy to communicate with other human beings. Plus nobody in real life here apart from the workers who come here have the slightest understanding of what it is like, what we are working on and why the boys behave how they do. It is embarrassing. 

The other week we got invited to someone locale's house for afternoon tea. That was the first time in 7 years(length of time we have had the boys) that dh and I with the boys have gone into someone's house(not family) together with the twins. They behaved beautifully, but it has taken us 7 years to get to that point.

Very hard indeed.  I thought, going into this, that a lot of love and a little discipline and all would be fine.  I figured I could "fix" whatever had gone wrong for them.  I never knew alcohol could cause brain damage to any degree, much less to this degree.  And abuse and neglect is awful but a good loving home is awesome, right?  And nurture was supposed to trump nature.   

My kids are wonderful.  They are just also very challenging.  And I made so many mistakes along the way, most of which were caused by my savior complex, tbh. 

Anyway, I also have withdrawn into myself.  I have my first in-person friend in years.  My best friend is a text friend who adopted a sibling set of five.  She gets it and doesn't judge anything.  But mostly, its hubby and me...

I'm glad your kiddos behaved well while visiting recently.  Hopefully, you didn't pay for it afterward.  And hopefully it can happen again.

My one son is visiting this week.  We've had a good time so far including playing a game tonight.  It hasn't always been so nice during his visits so I'm happy we get this. 

I also think whining in this thread helped.  I could say what was on my mind and get it off my chest.

[Pamela H in Texas]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Integration- Processing what happened and what to learn from it.

I think I avoid this because its easier to beat myself up rather than processing. I also tend to feel victim, at least somewhat and for some time.  I've gotten a LOT better about it; but still get caught up in it.  

[Rosie_0801]

6 minutes ago, Pamela H in Texas said:

I think I avoid this because its easier to beat myself up rather than processing. I also tend to feel victim, at least somewhat and for some time.  I've gotten a LOT better about it; but still get caught up in it.  

We're only human. We can't be brave about everything, all the time. 

Have a look at the book if you can. It might give you some clues to untangle a few of your kids' knots too. I'd had a stress cough for about eight years before I found this book, which linked it to a malfunction of the third step, being unable to protect myself or others. Even typing this post made me cough, lol.

[Melissa in Australia]

41 minutes ago, Pamela H in Texas said:

Very hard indeed.  I thought, going into this, that a lot of love and a little discipline and all would be fine.  I figured I could "fix" whatever had gone wrong for them.  I never knew alcohol could cause brain damage to any degree, much less to this degree.  And abuse and neglect is awful but a good loving home is awesome, right?  And nurture was supposed to trump nature.   

My kids are wonderful.  They are just also very challenging.  And I made so many mistakes along the way, most of which were caused by my savior complex, tbh. 

Anyway, I also have withdrawn into myself.  I have my first in-person friend in years.  My best friend is a text friend who adopted a sibling set of five.  She gets it and doesn't judge anything.  But mostly, its hubby and me...

I'm glad your kiddos behaved well while visiting recently.  Hopefully, you didn't pay for it afterward.  And hopefully it can happen again.

My one son is visiting this week.  We've had a good time so far including playing a game tonight.  It hasn't always been so nice during his visits so I'm happy we get this. 

I also think whining in this thread helped.  I could say what was on my mind and get it off my chest.

I think we all go into it with those ideals If we knew what we were fully getting into  nobody would do it. 

 

 

At a paediatrician appointment a couple of months ago he told me nature is surfacing, and no matter how much nurture there is there are at least 7 inputs that affect the  long term outcome. Nurture is only one. 

Other imputes include

inutero enviroment (like alcohol  drug, poor maternal health etc) 

The first 1000 days of life and how much stimulation or neglect there is

Genetic predispositions 

Environmental factors

 

I cannot recall the others.  I can only absorb so much of that kind of discussion. 

Basically it doesn't mean that there is no hope, but the odds are stacked against the child

Please excuse spelling and typing mistakes. I am using a phone and I am hopeless at it. 

[Soror]

(🤗

I've posted on here in desperation at times (although I've not felt comfortable sharing everything-- some has been too hard to talk about or too personal). It helps to get it out. When you type it out you can put it all out without having someone trying to placate, or soothe, or dismiss, misunderstand, pity, judge, and try to fix you.

I wish you well finding things that help you through your challenging and difficult times.

Edited July 20, 2022 by Soror

[BlsdMama]

Pamela,  can I make a suggestion that I hope is taken as "Consider this," and not offensive? Someone I love who is very positive and proactive recently decided to try an anti anxiety med for a short time.  Life had begun to pile up and her brain kind of got stuck on a revolution that would bring her back to the, "Worry about this" pretty constantly.  She was feeling the stress of that worry and it ramped up her sense of urgency that made her want to fix things that really weren't fixable on her part.  It made her touchy and exhausted because that brain really was on a loop no matter how hard she tried.  She didn't tell me she had decided to try a med until 3 weeks past and I had asked her how she was doing because she seemed so much more relaxed and content and able to enjoy/rest in the positives all of a sudden.  It wasn't that she didn't recognize there were negatives, it's just that she could get past them to enjoy the good stuff.  It's just a consideration if the negatives seem to be constantly pressing.  Like you, there was a LOT going on and it really is/was big stuff so it wasn't emotionally based but she was getting wiped out by the negatives always pressing to the forefront.

[heartlikealion]

I saw a video clip the other day that said it's actually normal for us to focus on the bad and we have to consciously do otherwise. We're wired to look for danger/bad. 

People go through rough patches. I hope things improve soon. 

I don't know how the CASA thing works, but maybe you can take a break. I don't know if you're actively working with a child already? 

[Pamela H in Texas]

23 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

recently decided to try an anti anxiety med for a short time

I definitely couldn't live without my meds 🙂 

[Pamela H in Texas]

21 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I don't know how the CASA thing works, but maybe you can take a break. I don't know if you're actively working with a child already?

The current case is just about over.  I will definitely take a break.  My therapist thinks I *can* do this.  She agrees things have been kind of crazy so maybe I need a little time to breathe before taking another case. That sounds like a reasonable time to assess things.