Do you know how to be a guest?

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is not something that many others face but hosting comes with serious stamina and even pain issues. I plan out my “spoons” (a reference to https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

) very carefully including clean up. Your might think that extra help is always wanted but it’s not. As some others have said, it can lead to more work for me which definitely is not helpful. But certain people’s help is extremely helpful to me. I just like to be able to make that determination myself. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I always ask if there is anything I can do to help.  Sometimes, helping is a way to get away from the crowd (or annoying people) and just chat with the host.  When I am hosting, if someone asks if they can help, sometimes I have something that they can do and other times, it would take too long to explain what needs to be done, but I'll ask them to pull up a stool and chat while I finish up.  I always like the company. 

I grew up in a household where we always were expected to pitch in to clean up from a big meal.  My sister jumps in and starts handwashing all the stuff that can't go in the dishwasher (like china, wine glasses, big pots and pans, etc.)  Another person dries dishes and sets them aside to be put away.  Someone else may be packing up the leftovers.  Someone from the hosts' household loads the dishwasher because they can play tetris best on their own appliance.  

I've never experienced help that wasn't appreciated.  I find hosting to be exhausting.  I never seem to be ready when people are expected and always feel like I'm behind the eight ball.  And I find cleaning up to be overwhelming after the fun but emotionally draining socializing.  I love it when a family member or close friend jumps in with something helpful, like refreshing snacks, carrying things to the table, etc.  Like at my daughter's graduation party ...  my big dog decided that the bowl of ice on the beverage table was his new water bowl and started drinking the melting ice.  A friend noticed this and removed the bowl from the table and, asked for another bowl and put out fresh ice.  I was attending to other things when I saw this take place and couldn't get to it right away before anyone else noticed.  I was so grateful and would have been mortified if someone else had noticed.  ( @regentrudeI am amazed at how efficient you are at cleaning up.  I sit here in shame.)  

Ok, the only "help" that I don't appreciate is criticism.  I had a SIL who never had anything nice to say and it often took every bit of willpower to control the fist-of-death or not tell her to leave and not let the door hit her @$$ on the way out.  

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, J-rap said:

That's interesting.  It would never occur to me that someone was overstepping if they just jumped in without asking.  I'd think it was really sweet of them!  Even if they didn't do it the way I liked.  Just a difference of opinion I guess!

Same. This whole thread is fascinating to me.

[Clarita]

I am team please ask me first, especially when you are about to "do my dishes". Let me outline why I get peeved by this in a scenario.

I throw a dinner party for 18 people. Trust when my husband and I throw a dinner party it's kind of a fine dining experience from a food perspective. Dinner is over which is my cue to gather the dinner dishes and put them on our breakfast room table. Why breakfast room table as oppose to somewhere in the kitchen. My husband has prepared panna cotta for everyone and before serving he has to do a little prep on them which is to cut up some fresh strawberries to put on top, with freshly grated nutmeg, and a mint leaf on top. This meant we cleared counter space for him to set down 24 ramekins of panna cotta, a cutting board with a knife, and a fine spice grater.

What happens is an overzealous guest who didn't ask at all started quietly gathering dishes and putting them in the sink. When the 18 other people noticed their dishes going missing they too start to bring their dishes to the sink. At which point my husband is now unable to rinse the strawberries in the sink without getting all the dishes wet. Now I announce "Stop putting dishes in the sink, please!" Then people didn't know where to put their dishes and begin putting dishes in the kitchen covering the prep space for the panna cotta, plus now some of the dishes are wet and gross and can't be placed on my original dirty dish area. So now instead of being able to quickly put dishes aside and whisk dessert out to guests and enjoy conversation with them. I am now relegated unloading and loading the dishwasher (there are just clean dishes in the dishwasher for all the dinner prep dishes) and resetting the counter space I had cleared off for my husband. If my guests had just let their dirty dishes be it was 5 minutes of work for my husband and me, after the party, to load it into the dishwasher.   

If overzealous guest had just done a simple thing of asking we could have told them the help that would actually be helpful to us. I would have loved the help moving dishes to the breakfast room. Some one could have helped my husband with the refrigerator door while he got out the tray of panna cotta or helped put the sliced strawberries and mint on. When you help without asking, you run the risk of causing more work for your host and just plain being in the way of their dinner plans. 

[marbel]

I am totally tracking with Regentrude on this. I want not only my guests to enjoy our time together, but I want to enjoy it too, which means, I don't want to be cleaning up while guests are still around. So if someone makes a move to start cleaning, I just say (in a light tone, I'm pretty sure) to please stop and let us do it later. And then when people are gone, I actually enjoy the time cleaning up with my husband, having a last glass of wine or whatever, starting the dishwasher, stacking plates, etc while we talk about how the evening/day went. 

At a wedding or other formal-ish event, I would not assume help was wanted unless I knew the host was doing all the work rather than paid caterers. I have seen people start cleaning up at a catered event and had the host run up to stop them. And even then, I would ask the host first. 

I remember an evening my family spent with a couple we didn't know too well. We were new at a church and they invited us over. After dinner, the wife invited my daughter and me into the kitchen to start the cleanup. We didn't start it, we completed it! Did all the dishes, cleaned the counters, the floor, everything. All the while the two husbands, and my son, sat in the living room talking. I felt like I was back in the 19th century, though the men were not having brandy and cigars LOL. That solidified in my  mind that I was never going to do that to a guess. I mean, I didn't do that before, but was certainly never going to do it after that. 

ETA: family events are completely different to me. I'm not a guest in my sister's house. My kids will never be guests in my home. 

Edited July 12, 2022 by marbel

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks to those who explained why it's painful. I find housework and cleanup overwhelming--always have, and even more now that I have joint issues and weak hands. I really love having people over. I love cooking nifty things and I love talking for hours and playing games. I don't love the housework.

I cannot imagine cleanup after a big meal taking thirty minutes and I'd really like to come watch Regentrude in action.

As I said earlier, I do put "new people" in a different realm from oldtimers. For me, it's not that I'm irritated that they'll do something wrong. Instead, I just want to get to know the fascinating new people unhampered by cleanup fuss.

And I've realized yet again how blessed I am with my in-laws. Everyone pitches in for all the things. I can rely on them to bring food and help prep anything and clean up together as we go. It's a jolly, chaotic, silly time all together in the kitchen. They're also all in for whatever crazy activity is proposed, which means there is always laughter and hilarity. That kind of cooperation and affirmation together is a rare gift.

[Clarita]

9 minutes ago, marbel said:

At a wedding or other formal-ish event, I would not assume help was wanted unless I knew the host was doing all the work rather than paid caterers. I have seen people start cleaning up at a catered event and had the host run up to stop them. And even then, I would ask the host first. 

Especially this. I had a backyard wedding the dishes situation is complicated. The caterers have a system in place to clean up because some dishes go back to them, some dishes go to a rental company, and some went back to the host. A proper cleaning company hired to clean up after the party and take the trash off the premises (not put it in the host trash can).

[Jean in Newcastle]

3 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Especially this. I had a backyard wedding the dishes situation is complicated. The caterers have a system in place to clean up because some dishes go back to them, some dishes go to a rental company, and some went back to the host. A proper cleaning company hired to clean up after the party and take the trash off the premises (not put it in the host trash can).

Even without caterers my garbage and recycling carriers have very specific rules. We can get fined for doing it wrong. It’s not helpful to me to have to go through my garbage or recycling bin to make sure that everything is in its proper place. So again- sometimes I have the time to explain what goes where. Sometimes it’s just easier to do it myself. 

[Laura Corin]

I'm with @regentrude on this. The most help I might want is in stacking dishes in a particular spot. I do not want dishes rinsed - no waste disposal in sink - nor do I want things cluttering up the sink or getting in the way of dessert or coffee prep.  If a guest asks, I'm likely to turn down help with thanks or give specific instructions. 

Edited July 12, 2022 by Laura Corin

[Carrie12345]

It depends on the event/host, for me, as a guest.

As a host, I plan for no help from guests, which gets me labeled as a control freak. But the one time I counted on help, specifically from family, I was left high and dry getting ready to self-cater a party for 60+ people in a giant, empty venue. 3 people who pledged to be there 3 hours early got there about 30-45 minutes early. And dh and my dds got a fire call and took off for a while.  It was basically me, my sons (two were pretty young) and my sister’s ex did help with tables and chairs. But I was down a total of 6 people for cooking and decorating.
People DID help clean up, probably because I looked half dead.

I would never be ungrateful for help with trash, clearing tables, refilling whatever. I just don’t count on it.

Thank you for a bit of free therapy this morning, lol.

[HomeAgain]

I now don't know if I know how to be a guest! 🤣

One of the things we teach our kids is to always ask "how can I help?" to the host at a function or event.  In absence of being given a job, it's customary to ask about what you notice during/after the event - "would you like me to sweep the floor?" "would you like a hand with clearing?"

I figure most of the time during the gathering, I'm best at seeking out someone who may look unsure or doesn't know many of the guests and making conversation.  I hope it doesn't come off as overbearing, but just trying to bring someone in who may feel out.

[KungFuPanda]

7 hours ago, regentrude said:

I don't do paper plates for environmental reasons. Many years ago, I bought 50 colorful dishwasher safe plastic plates with compartments; they are nesting and don't take up much space. I lend them to friends hosting large parties. Works beautifully, and no trash. And yes, we use reusable utensils, too.

I don’t quite get paper plates for general home use or family gatherings. Plates are the easiest of all the dishes to wash and I just put them in the dishwasher. However, I don’t really have dishes and cutlery for more than 20 people so I’d have to get paper for those occasions. I have tea service for more but I’d tap out on multiple courses at 20.
 

I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I hosted more than 20 people. I guess I could hit up goodwill for backup plates if necessary. I really really prefer real plates and forks and I love cloth napkins. 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

I figure most of the time during the gathering, I'm best at seeking out someone who may look unsure or doesn't know many of the guests and making conversation.  I hope it doesn't come off as overbearing, but just trying to bring someone in who may feel out.

Speaking to a solo guest at loose ends is not at all like grabbing plates and starting to clean up without being asked. I believe it is one of the duties of a guest to interact with other guests! The hosts should try to introduce people around and get conversations started, but that is not always possible.  I think it is a great gift to a host to have guests mingling and talking; that is much more important to me than having someone sweep the floor. 

Edited July 12, 2022 by marbel

[marbel]

12 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I hosted more than 20 people. I guess I could hit up goodwill for backup plates if necessary. I really really prefer real plates and forks and I love cloth napkins. 

LOL I was once criticized by a guest for having cloth napkins!  They said I was being too fancy. I have a  large collection of cloth napkins, some of them homemade by me, some very old and starting to fray, some newer. They do not all match. I  hated seeing big piles of paper in the trash at the end of a large group meal. Even with family meals, we use cloth. Often a cloth napkin can be used for multiple meals, if it doesn't get dirty. Everyone just refolds it and leaves it on their placemat for the next one. (I would not expect that at a large gathering, just family meals.)

[JustEm]

What a fascinating thread to read. We just hosted a party over the weekend with roughly 40 people. It went from noon until about 11:00pm. So, dh and I went to bed without cleaning up because we were exhausted!

In the morning, coming downstairs to every room on the first floor a complete mess brought a smile to my face. There were toys all over the floor, dishes on tables, glassware or beer cans on every surface. The kitchen was the only clean room, for the most part. Even the yard needed cleaning because the rain let up in the early evening so we were able to have the huge nerf battle that was originally planned  Seeing that mess meant that everyone enjoyed themselves and felt comfortable enough to just keep enjoying themselves. There was also evidence that some people cleaned up after themselves, which is great too.

Had I come down to a spotless house I would have been happy too but not as happy. I don't want people to feel like they need to help clean at a party like that. Family gatherings are different because I am always the default hostess since we have the biggest house. So, almost all holidays and family events are held here but I wouldn't offer that if everyone didn't participate in the cooking and cleaning up afterwards.

[Scarlett]

54 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I don’t quite get paper plates for general home use or family gatherings. Plates are the easiest of all the dishes to wash and I just put them in the dishwasher. However, I don’t really have dishes and cutlery for more than 20 people so I’d have to get paper for those occasions. I have tea service for more but I’d tap out on multiple courses at 20.
 

I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I hosted more than 20 people. I guess I could hit up goodwill for backup plates if necessary. I really really prefer real plates and forks and I love cloth napkins. 

Same here. Gathering clothe napkins and putting in the wash is no more difficult than putting them in the trash.  Well,  guess if you count moving to the dryer and then folding them…but that is not work to me.  
 

And plates…..super easy. Unless you don’t have a dishwasher or it is an outdoor event.  

[Indigo Blue]

9 hours ago, KSera said:

I’ve also had people put my cast-iron pan in a sink full of soapy water to soak, and not found it until later 😱

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[heartlikealion]

I have a portable dishwasher. I don’t know how many plates you guys can fit in one load but it’s probably more than me lol. I’ll have a full size one in my new place, though. I can fit roughly 9 plates. It might have slots for 10 but then one will nest inside another and prevent one from getting washed. 

[KathyBC]

I guess it would have been relevant to mention this was at a rented venue. Everything needed to be cleaned up by a set time, which would be long after my family left. I wasn't sure how many people would be left to help my sister by that time. As a volunteer I help run a rented venue, so finding cleaning supplies in hidden cupboards, etc. just seemed like a normal thing to me. Hard to turn that off, I guess.

[KathyBC]

Regentrude, I am now dying to know how you interact as a guest.

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, KathyBC said:

I guess it would have been relevant to mention this was at a rented venue. Everything needed to be cleaned up by a set time, which would be long after my family left. I wasn't sure how many people would be left to help my sister by that time. As a volunteer I help run a rented venue, so finding cleaning supplies in hidden cupboards, etc. just seemed like a normal thing to me. Hard to turn that off, I guess.

I think I’d just talk to my sister in advance so as to not have to disturb her on a big day. Like, “hey what’s the plan to get everything done after the event? I can help clean if you want” and plan it out. I don’t know your sibling relationship but in my family we ask a million questions lol 

[KathyBC]

9 hours ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

I always ask if there is anything I can do to help.  Sometimes, helping is a way to get away from the crowd (or annoying people) and just chat with the host.  When I am hosting, if someone asks if they can help, sometimes I have something that they can do and other times, it would take too long to explain what needs to be done, but I'll ask them to pull up a stool and chat while I finish up.  I always like the company. 

I grew up in a household where we always were expected to pitch in to clean up from a big meal.  My sister jumps in and starts handwashing all the stuff that can't go in the dishwasher (like china, wine glasses, big pots and pans, etc.)  Another person dries dishes and sets them aside to be put away.  Someone else may be packing up the leftovers.  Someone from the hosts' household loads the dishwasher because they can play tetris best on their own appliance.  

I've never experienced help that wasn't appreciated.  I find hosting to be exhausting.  I never seem to be ready when people are expected and always feel like I'm behind the eight ball.  And I find cleaning up to be overwhelming after the fun but emotionally draining socializing.  I love it when a family member or close friend jumps in with something helpful, like refreshing snacks, carrying things to the table, etc.  Like at my daughter's graduation party ...  my big dog decided that the bowl of ice on the beverage table was his new water bowl and started drinking the melting ice.  A friend noticed this and removed the bowl from the table and, asked for another bowl and put out fresh ice.  I was attending to other things when I saw this take place and couldn't get to it right away before anyone else noticed.  I was so grateful and would have been mortified if someone else had noticed.  ( @regentrudeI am amazed at how efficient you are at cleaning up.  I sit here in shame.)  

Ok, the only "help" that I don't appreciate is criticism.  I had a SIL who never had anything nice to say and it often took every bit of willpower to control the fist-of-death or not tell her to leave and not let the door hit her @$$ on the way out.  

As a young adult, it was pointed out to me that the host might be offended I hadn't offered to help clean up.
I was mortified that I had missed out on a commonly held social expectation.
Have I been overcompensating ever since? Maybe that expectation is not that commonly held?

Crazy, I tell ya.

[JustEm]

To the OP, I would find it really disruptive to have someone sweeping at a wedding. Clearing drinks and refilling ice maybe not, but sweeping in my opinion was too much for when the festivities are still going.

[KathyBC]

1 minute ago, hjffkj said:

To the OP, I would find it really disruptive to have someone sweeping at a wedding. Clearing drinks and refilling ice maybe not, but sweeping in my opinion was too much for when the festivities are still going.

I feel like at this point I'm going to have to start giving a blow-by-blow detail of the entire wedding, lol.

At this point, 10pm?, people had moved outside into the night air, others were taking down tables, I thought perhaps there might be dancing later. My kids were, I hope, just good-naturedly bugging me about my predictable character traits when I got out the broom.

[heartlikealion]

Just now, KathyBC said:

I feel like at this point I'm going to have to start giving a blow-by-blow detail of the entire wedding, lol.

At this point, 10pm?, people had moved outside into the night air, others were taking down tables, I thought perhaps there might be dancing later. My kids were, I hope, just good-naturedly bugging me about my predictable character traits when I got out the broom.

Sweeping if tables are being taken down doesn’t sound weird. Tables coming down is a solid, “we’re wrapping up” sign to me. Or at least closing off a given area. 

[Indigo Blue]

Maybe  I have hang ups probably because of that always-constant below-the-surface tension I grew up with around someone who did not like to be at the receiving end of assertiveness from someone (me) that they always felt in control of. To this day. Some of it occurring around kitchen stuff. 
 

There’s picky stuff I do in my kitchen that would bring out the hypercritical in them back when I was a young mom. Stuff I now know is not ridiculous because we all just have our way of doing things.
 

This thread is definitely making me even more…on edge. I’ll definitely be more aware of what I do or don’t do from now on. And I don’t mean that as a criticism. This is truly eye opening. 
 

 

[JustEm]

7 minutes ago, KathyBC said:

I feel like at this point I'm going to have to start giving a blow-by-blow detail of the entire wedding, lol.

At this point, 10pm?, people had moved outside into the night air, others were taking down tables, I thought perhaps there might be dancing later. My kids were, I hope, just good-naturedly bugging me about my predictable character traits when I got out the broom.

Who were the people taking down tables? Caterers? Or other guests? That is the big distinction for me. If it is caterers or people hired by the host then guests cleaning up is disruptive. If it was other guests then sweeping would be as disruptive but I'd still ask the host what help was needed. Mainly because in my eyes, sweeping is the last things to be done.

[KathyBC]

3 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Who were the people taking down tables? Caterers? Or other guests? That is the big distinction for me. If it is caterers or people hired by the host then guests cleaning up is disruptive. If it was other guests then sweeping would be as disruptive but I'd still ask the host what help was needed. Mainly because in my eyes, sweeping is the last things to be done.

No caterers. I would find dancing on grapes and other dropped food disruptive. YMMV.

[Scarlett]

@KathyBC I think what you did was probably fine. Your kids are probably just being kids…embarrassed or amused by their mom’s predictable behavior. 

I think this thread demonstrates why birds of a feather flock together.  I like my people. I like feeling comfortable and non judged and feeling like others around me feel the same way. In laws make it complicated at times because you are merging two families with often times different cultures or just general ways of doing things. I am fortunate to have the in laws I have…..they are clean and industrious and courteous and kind.  My first life was not like that…that MIL was a nightmare and I could never please her.  

Most of us do not live like @regentrudeor @Catwoman. Most of us live somewhere in the middle.  

[marbel]

So it's really hard in a discussion like this to state hard-and-fast rules because there are so many possible situations.

As a guest, I offer to help. If the host gives me a task, great, I'll do it. If they say no, don't help, I take them at their word that they don't want help, and I go back to socializing. I suppose there is always the possibility that the host will say no to be polite, but really wants help and hopes I'll insist. Since I can only go by what a person says, and not what they're thinking, I'll just follow what they tell me. 

This seems very intuitive to me; maybe that's how my mother did things and I internalized that as normal or typical or correct behavior. I can't imagine being annoyed at a guest for acting like a guest! I also would never be annoyed at someone asking how they can help, as long as they don't fight me when I refuse help with thanks for the offer.

 

 

 

Edited July 12, 2022 by marbel

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, marbel said:

So it's really hard in a discussion like this to state hard-and-fast rules because there are so many possible situations.

As a guest, I offer to help. If the host gives me a task, great, I'll do it. If they say no, don't help, I take them at their word that they don't want help, and I go back to socializing. I suppose there is always the possibility that the host will say no to be polite, but really wants help and hopes I'll insist. Since I can only go by what a person says, and not what they're thinking, I'll just follow what they tell me. 

This seems very intuitive to me; maybe that's how my mother did things and I internalized that as normal or typical or correct behavior. I can't imagine being annoyed at a guest for acting like a guest! I also would never be annoyed at someone asking how they can help, as long as they don't fight me when I refuse help with thanks for the offer.

 

 

 

My sister (and her husband)  host her mother and MIL a lot.  MIL behaves like a guest….she doesn’t offer to clean up.  Her mom is of the culture where she gets up and cleans the kitchen. And fumes that the MIL doesn’t help.  My sister has tried to explain that is how MIL is at her own house too….when she hosts she doesn’t clean up til guests leave.  It is just different ways of doing things.  

[Pam in CT]

I'm on Team Just Ask Me, Please. 

Generally: I want guests to socialize, I often have a plan on how I'm going to be staging/using particular counterspace over the course of the evening, starting cleanup can bring an evening to a sense of premature closure, and my husband and I are far more efficient at cleanup than anybody else.

Generally: family is different than "guests," and there are a handful of family members -- my SIL, my brother, one of my daughters -- who know their way around my kitchen well enough, and my routines well enough, that I'm happy to have them serve as sous-chefs throughout.

 

And, this thread has renewed my deep and enduring gratitude for the time I took a bunch of stuff to my town thrift store, and spied on a shelf a stack of *40 sort of squared-off white Corelle plates* that stack up soooooo compactly priced at 4/$1.  There must have been a restaurant going out of business or something.  I stared at that stack for a good ten minutes, rolling over in my brain I'm trying to get RID of stuff not acquire new stuff, and, do I really need 40?  Should I just get 20?  and, They're so heavy!   and then, b"h, a different part of my brain shouted in exasperation PAM!!!   IT.IS.TEN.DOLLARS. GET.A.GRIP.

And, we've lived Happily Ever After.

 

[JustEm]

1 hour ago, KathyBC said:

No caterers. I would find dancing on grapes and other dropped food disruptive. YMMV.

Yeah, I can see that. That is why there is usually a designated dance area, ha. But if tables were being cleared to create a dance space then sweeping would be part of that task. I personally would still ask the host if they needed help. 

[Indigo Blue]

52 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I suppose there is always the possibility that the host will say no to be polite, but really wants help and hopes I'll insist.

This is what goes through my mind. 

[heartlikealion]

Yes, I've thought of that too (host declining help to be polite) but I'll file that under the host's problem, not mine. They knew they were hosting. They knew there would be cleanup. It was up to them to determine to accept to take that on or accept to accept help. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

6 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

I now don't know if I know how to be a guest! 🤣

One of the things we teach our kids is to always ask "how can I help?" to the host at a function or event.  In absence of being given a job, it's customary to ask about what you notice during/after the event - "would you like me to sweep the floor?" "would you like a hand with clearing?"

I figure most of the time during the gathering, I'm best at seeking out someone who may look unsure or doesn't know many of the guests and making conversation.  I hope it doesn't come off as overbearing, but just trying to bring someone in who may feel out.

You sound like a perfect guest. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, KathyBC said:

I guess it would have been relevant to mention this was at a rented venue. Everything needed to be cleaned up by a set time, which would be long after my family left. I wasn't sure how many people would be left to help my sister by that time. As a volunteer I help run a rented venue, so finding cleaning supplies in hidden cupboards, etc. just seemed like a normal thing to me. Hard to turn that off, I guess.

I don’t think that most of us are talking about your specific situation anymore. 😉. In a perfect world you could have quietly had a word with your sister before doing it. She would probably have said yes, from what you describe. Then you could have just told your kids that the hostess had agreed to the help. 

[KSera]

2 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

I stared at that stack for a good ten minutes, rolling over in my brain I'm trying to get RID of stuff not acquire new stuff, and, do I really need 40?  Should I just get 20?  and, They're so heavy!   and then, b"h, a different part of my brain shouted in exasperation PAM!!!   IT.IS.TEN.DOLLARS. GET.A.GRIP.

🤣 This is so me that it made me laugh out loud.

[Clarita]

5 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I hosted more than 20 people. I guess I could hit up goodwill for backup plates if necessary. I really really prefer real plates and forks and I love cloth napkins. 

 I know some people who rent the plates and utensils when they have giant parties, really just to save on storage.

I would absolutely buy 40 Corelle plates for $10, I wouldn't even be able to help myself.

[regentrude]

5 hours ago, KathyBC said:

Regentrude, I am now dying to know how you interact as a guest.

I hand the host any contributions I brought (potluck dish or wine or gift - or the party plates) and ask if there's anything I can do to help. If there is, I am happy to cut veggies, arrange cheese trays, set out chairs, whatever the task is. If there isn't, I'll go hang out with the other guests, talk, move between groups. Introduce myself to strangers, introduce strangers to friends. I eat the food, praise the food, have one alcoholic drink (my limit), cheerfully participate in party activities - and I usually leave before the last people do because I am not a night person. For one friend's parties, I am the designated lighter of the bonfire.

ETA: I find all my friends interact in a similar way. 

Edited July 12, 2022 by regentrude

[Jean in Newcastle]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I hand the host any contributions I brought (potluck dish or wine or gift - or the party plates) and ask if there's anything I can do to help. If there is, I am happy to cut veggies, arrange cheese trays, set out chairs - if there isn't, I'll go hang out with the other guests, talk, move between groups. Introduce myself to strangers, introduce strangers to friends. I eat the food, praise the food, have one alcoholic drink (my limit), cheerfully participate in party activities - and usually leave before the last people do because I am not a night person. For one friend's parties, I am in charge of the bonfire.

This is me too.  (Though no alcohol.)  But I don't assume things and I ask because it's the polite thing to do. 

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Clarita said:

 I know some people who rent the plates and utensils when they have giant parties, really just to save on storage.

I would absolutely buy 40 Corelle plates for $10, I wouldn't even be able to help myself.

Where are you seeing that kind or price? They cost over $4 for one basic white Corelle plate at Walmart. $22 for a set of six. 

I own some that I bought from Walmart and when I dropped one it shattered into the equivalent of confetti. It was all over the kitchen. It was horrible. One fell out of my fridge today but didn't break. If it falls just the wrong way, it's a complete nightmare. 

Nevermind, I missed part of the conversation! 

Edited July 12, 2022 by heartlikealion

[regentrude]

7 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I don’t quite get paper plates for general home use or family gatherings. Plates are the easiest of all the dishes to wash and I just put them in the dishwasher. However, I don’t really have dishes and cutlery for more than 20 people so I’d have to get paper for those occasions. I have tea service for more but I’d tap out on multiple courses at 20.
 

I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I hosted more than 20 people. I guess I could hit up goodwill for backup plates if necessary. I really really prefer real plates and forks and I love cloth napkins. 

Can you borrow from a friend?

I went to a delightful country wedding. Tables in the front yard of the farmhouse; table linens, dishes, and cutlery borrowed from all the neighbors. They didn't all match; it was endlessly charming.

ETA: My friend gets super kick out of borrowing my plates - it makes her feel good about not purchasing and storing items that are only used infrequently.

Edited July 12, 2022 by regentrude

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Where are you seeing that kind or price? They cost over $4 for one basic white Corelle plate at Walmart. $22 for a set of six. 

Thriftstore has endless supplies of cheap plates.

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

Thriftstore has endless supplies of cheap plates.

But she implied she'd get this exact model and find 40. That's a needle in a haystack find at a thrift store (40 plates in the exact brand you want). 

My bad I missed the reference further up thread where they were in a thrift store! 

Edited July 12, 2022 by heartlikealion

[Brittany1116]

I'm sure your sister knows you well enough to not be offended. 

In the South, you'd be in more trouble if you didn't try to help.

[Jhwk21]

At an event like you describe -- a wedding-- I would not have cleaned up, etc. I don't tend to feel like I should at those types of gatherings.

If I'm at a casual family or close friend thing at someone's home, though, it's kind of expected to at least ask if I can help with anything. I'm usually given tasks like clearing dishes or helping with food prep. I expect it, as that's just how both my family and husband's family do things. (Though I did refuse to clean MIL's bathrooms. That was a step out of line on her part to expect me to do that, imo. Husband and everyone else agreed.)

However, I prefer that guests, including family, **not** help at my home and I tell them so. I'd much rather just do everything myself and have husband help, as it's more work for me to direct anyone else helping. Also, my kitchen is small, so I prefer to be alone in there. I would never want anyone cleaning for me.

Edited July 12, 2022 by Jhwk21

[wintermom]

I think that there can be some cultural (even the culture of a family) differences and expectations regarding helping at other people's homes. When growing up, my mother expected me and my sister to help her with clean up, but rarely any of the guests unless they were frequently over. 

When I lived in Norway, I would always offer the hostess to help clean up at the end of a social gathering in their home. She'd always say no, and if I'd glance quickly in the kitchen, I'd notice the tidy pile of dishes she'd already organized - she was clearly ready to do her own, effecient clean up. I'd have been in the way, and she was probably happy to get her own clean up done quickly and relax. Most of the Norwegian women never accepted my offer of help. I could see by their facial expression when I asked that they really didn't want it. They much preferred me staying out of the kitchen and simply enjoy the delicious food and conversation. 

On the other hand, if I was helping organize an event, I'd be there to the bitter end cleaning up every last bit of garbage. I see the difference between the two 'hats' - one is the 'guest hat' where you do your job by enjoying the food and company and do what the hostess tells or expects you to do; one is the 'organizer hat' where you support the participants in their enjoyment of the event.

[Arcadia]

8 hours ago, KathyBC said:

I guess it would have been relevant to mention this was at a rented venue. Everything needed to be cleaned up by a set time, which would be long after my family left. I wasn't sure how many people would be left to help my sister by that time.

When we have to leave early from an event like this, we would tell the host that we need to leave soon and ask if there is anything we can help with before we go. Usually the hosts would ask us to help by packing leftovers from the buffet table for ourselves so that they don’t have that much leftovers to bring home. Sometimes the hosts would ask us to help bring some of the tied trash bags to the designated trash area on our way out of the venue. 

[Indigo Blue]

I have a lifelong close, elderly friend who adopted Dh and me into their family. She has known Dh since he was a very young child. She and her husband and her whole family of five children and spouses included us in a special dinner once per year, organized by her. She also organized and directed our small wedding. She hasn’t had the dinners in a few years as she is getting up in age now. 
 

There was a strict no children rule at the dinners, and she wouldn’t let me help her clean up. She wanted us to enjoy the dinner. We’d arrive and the large table was set. They recruited teenage grandchildren to be our servers while we all sat and talked. Then we’d move to the family room for silly games and laughs. It was magical. It was one of those situations where I felt so comfortable and welcome. 
 

She speaks her opinionated, intelligent mind in a way that is charming and warm. She tells me she thinks a lot of me and that she loves me. Her children consider us family. She is a treasure. 
 

She says no help cleaning and I know she means it. She will only let her own children do it. So I enjoyed every one of those dinners with them. Thank goodness they have been a part of our lives.