If you are dreading Mother’s Day…

[chiguirre]

8 hours ago, regentrude said:

The only place I hear about M-day is this forum. It never comes up in my interaction with friends, colleagues, or family.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who basically blows off Mother's Day. I tend to forget about it until dh says something because it pings on his calendar. Then, I hurry up and send my mom an email with a nice picture of yellow roses and Happy Mother's Day in a pretty font.

One year I got ambitious and sent actual flowers. They were pretty lame and my mom told me they were not worth the money. (This was not a passive-aggressive thing, we're both thrifty and I appreciated the honest assessment.) So I switched to the email. I think she prints them out and puts them on her fridge. She always mentions how much she liked the email in our phone call. 

Dh, kids and I avoid going out on Mother's Day. We've goofed and forgotten pre-smartphone and the crowded restaurants are not a good fit for us. So we grill and chill. Dh has occasionally gotten me flowers, but they aren't as nice as flowers during a non-publicly mandated giving occasion so he's hasn't done that for a few years. 

Then we do the exact same thing for Father's Day.

[Spryte]

3 hours ago, popmom said:

This is how I’ve always felt. And even my own mother has felt this way. It’s crazy.
 

This is the first year I feel released from that obligation. So now the day just intensifies the deep sadness and loss I feel. My dad’s birthday was the 23rd. I tried to call and figured out he’d blocked me. I sort of think my mom did it, but I can’t be sure. My mom hasn’t blocked me on her phone, so I think it may be her way of making sure I CANNOT have a relationship with my dad. (He “butt dialed” me recently, so I called him back. My mom probably heard or something. That’s the only thing I can think of) Anyway, it was a horrible feeling. I’m still really struggling over it. 

I’m sorry. It hurts.

This may not be helpful, or it might, I don’t know: I had something similar happen years ago. The feeling of grief and loss is still there, but like with any grief/loss it’s changed and morphed with time. It’s not all consuming any more, more of a painful twinge that comes and goes. It’s also freed me to look at the way things were and to understand that they were never going to be the way I’d have wanted. They weren’t capable of the relationship I’d have wanted, whichever of them pulled the trigger re: deleting messages before the other heard; tossing cards, gifts and flowers; blocking calls. I’m more at peace with it now. I can wish that they were different, but accept who they are now.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I hope it gives you some space to heal.

Hugs.

[mathnerd]

10 hours ago, regentrude said:

The only place I hear about M-day is this forum. It never comes up in my interaction with friends, colleagues, or family.

The cashiers at the grocery stores here start saying "Happy Mother's Day" for a couple of weeks leading up to the day, my inbox is filled with coupons to buy this and that to celebrate Mom, there are roadside stands run by farm workers who sell bunches of roses and balloons for Mother's Day in random intersections of my commute path etc etc. I cannot avoid it even though I live a life with far less social interactions compared to many.

I too dread the day like many others on this thread due to bad childhood+adult experiences. My own kid used to laboriously do some craft-work to make me a present (he is not a hands-on craft making person) and scrawl "Happy Mother's Day" on it, pack it using a clumsy wrapper and though I appreciate the fact that he went to so much trouble for me, it did not seem worth the effort and we settled on him taking my DH to my favorite nursery and picking out a plant (preferably a flowering one) for me and I in turn would plant it and care for it and let them know when it flowered as I love to grow plants. That is all the celebration we ever have for the day, and sometimes, we forget to do that and we pick up a plant on our next trip to the nursery.

[popmom]

4 hours ago, hjffkj said:

Last birthday was particularly bad for me. Dh, the most thoughtful man in the world who shows me he loves me every single day of the year, really dropped the ball. For some reason my birthday is a day he fails at but keeps on insisting on trying again each year. 

Because of last year I told him this year I am really considering heading to the beach by myself for the night. We'll see if I follow through.

I'm planning to do this on my birthday, too. I have a couple of free night certs with Marriott that I need to use.  I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who enjoys the beach alone. 🙂

[popmom]

3 hours ago, Spryte said:

I’m sorry. It hurts.

This may not be helpful, or it might, I don’t know: I had something similar happen years ago. The feeling of grief and loss is still there, but like with any grief/loss it’s changed and morphed with time. It’s not all consuming any more, more of a painful twinge that comes and goes. It’s also freed me to look at the way things were and to understand that they were never going to be the way I’d have wanted. They weren’t capable of the relationship I’d have wanted, whichever of them pulled the trigger re: deleting messages before the other heard; tossing cards, gifts and flowers; blocking calls. I’m more at peace with it now. I can wish that they were different, but accept who they are now.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I hope it gives you some space to heal.

Hugs.

Thank you. I know you are right. I'll get there. 

[BakersDozen]

2 hours ago, ShepCarlin said:

I don't like the idea of my husband and boys feeling obligated to let me know how much they love me and appreciate me. Honestly, they do that all they time and I'd rather have that than a forced, commercial effort. 

Since before I had dc I have felt this way (not just w/Mother's Day, either). As a mom I cringed at the idea that my dc might contact me out of obligation and it would be so fake or forced. This is the main reason why I need M's Day to be normal in every aspect - nothing different or "special."

[Lisa]

My mom died 27 years ago. My MIL died 7 years ago.  I miss them both.

My dh may buy me some flowers and I may get a card, but for the most part we don't do anything special. Sometimes we go out to eat at a restaurant.

[Shoeless]

I used to get stressed about Mother's Day because I felt like whatever we did wasn't measuring up.  Now IDGAF. 

The holiday memories I associate with my mom and stepmother involve them griping, yelling, and complaining about holiday prep and "obligations".  They had help; they weren't stuck doing all the work alone.  They just liked complaining about holidays more than they liked changing anything.  

I don't want my son to view "Holidays with Mom" as a hellish obligation like my parents did. I turned the intensity of expectation for all holidays way, way down.  No stressing about the main course.  No uncomfortable, dressy "Sunday Best" clothes.  No long car rides to see relatives that secretly wished you hadn't come over.  No tension and heavy sighs because some nuance of family etiquette has not been observed correctly. 

Food will be eaten.  Wear pajamas if you want.  Fun will be had.  People can come by, or not.  Do what makes you content that day. 

[MercyA]

I hated, hated, hated Mother's Day when I was struggling with infertility. I tell this story every time this topic comes up, so apologies if you've heard it before. One Mother's Day in the midst of not being able to conceive (month after month), I went to church and tried to keep it together during the service. On the way out, the usher tried to hand me some sort of devotional book specifically for mothers. I said no, thank you, I am not a mother. He said, "But you are a woman" and pushed it into my hand. Clueless and thoughtless. I went home and threw the book straight in the trash.

Hugs to all for whom this day will be hard. 

[mlktwins]

Mother’s Day has been sad for me since I lost my mom (and best friend) in 2001.  Once I married DH, the day was about his mom, which was fine.  I loved her and she was good to me.  Then I became a mother and the day was still mostly about her.  And…my SIL also made sure that she was included (as always) because she is the mother of her dogs 🤔.  Like that compares to having newborn twins, but whatever.  That always kind of bothered me as I was now a mother too.  It was always celebrated with DH’s family and we were the only ones with kids.  I was not usually acknowledged as a mother on Mother’s Day by anyone other than DH. In recent years, DH and I made it so we did our own thing with MIL on Mother’s Day and that was better.  Usually we had DH’s mom and dad over for a nice dinner.  Last year, MIL passed away on Mother’s Day 😢.  This Mother’s Day is going to be a rough one like last year.

We don’t do gifts or anything for Mother’s/Father’s Day. Usually a card, maybe flowers for me, and a nice meal at home.

[JustEm]

7 hours ago, popmom said:

I'm planning to do this on my birthday, too. I have a couple of free night certs with Marriott that I need to use.  I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who enjoys the beach alone. 🙂

I hope you enjoy your beach birthday alone. You are not alone in wanting it. It would be glorious if I could make myself do it. I think as it gets closer I'll pull the trigger and book something.

This year is particularly hard because of how last year went and that 2 weeks before my bday dh turns 40. Dh loves his bday and always wants to do something. Some years more elaborate than others. His plans this year started out as just have a bunch of friends over, grilling, and having tables set up for multiple boardgames  to be played all day. This would have been fine because I'd enjoy the friends and he wouldn't expect me to plan it.

Then he got this idea to have arrow tag too, which is a few hundred dollars. That is when major anxiety kicked in. Just knowing he has no problem following through with expensive multi step plans for his bday but then can't even make a simple day out of mine some years. And the only reason I started caring about my bday is because he would make a big deal out of it (family of origin tradition is to make a big deal about bdays.) Now I don't know how not to care.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

18 hours ago, popmom said:

 

This seems a little intense. My comment was meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. I guess “lol” and emojis didn’t convey that. Anyone is welcome to give their advice whether it helps or not. 😉
 

 

Not everyone interprets emojis and LOLs as sincere when someone is being publicly rebuked alongside them.  They're often interpreted as cover for those using them at the expense of the person being publicly rebuked. In other words, it's a passive aggressive tactic.

[HS Mom in NC]

The churches I've attended in the last 10 years or so are doing much better with MD.  There are words acknowledging the wide range of experiences and specific prayers for comfort and healing for those struggling due to loss, abuse, infertility, estrangement,adoption placement by birth mothers,  state removal, etc. alongside acknowledgements of loving, warm, nurturing experiences. Pastors who do this really help congregants understand that the world is full of experiences other than their own. I really appreciate it as someone with very deeply rooted mixed feelings about the holiday.

I have a step-sibling who suffered the worst of the abuse by his human incubator. He wasn't able to get out of bed on MD for the first, I dunno, 50 years of his life. We (his various types of siblings) have been very protective of him on MD, defending him when he didn't want to participate with my mother, who he considers his own mother, even though there were no legal adoption papers involved.  Just because he sees it that way doesn't mean the horrible emotional suck of the other one doesn't affect him deeply. I wish it were the norm in the US for people who want to celebrate MD and FD to pick their own days to do it. It would really tone down the unspoken pressure to participate by those who don't want to.

[popmom]

6 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Not everyone interprets emojis and LOLs as sincere when someone is being publicly rebuked alongside them.  They're often interpreted as cover for those using them at the expense of the person being publicly rebuked. In other words, it's a passive aggressive tactic.

I have always struggled to understand what is meant by “passive aggressive”, so I had to read up on it. So now I get what you are saying. I apologize, @Melissa in Australia. I felt absolutely no anger or aggression when I read her comment. I laughed and thought if only it were that easy. But that doesn’t matter if the message she heard was different. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by popmom

[Kassia]

I thought of this thread when I just saw a social media giveaway contest.  You had to comment on what makes your mom so special.  

Well, my mother is dead and she was an evil narcissist so I couldn't enter.  I'm sure many others had reasons they couldn't enter as well (without lying, of course).

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, Kassia said:

I thought of this thread when I just saw a social media giveaway contest.  You had to comment on what makes your mom so special.  

Well, my mother is dead and she was an evil narcissist so I couldn't enter.  I'm sure many others had reasons they couldn't enter as well (without lying, of course).

 

 

“My mother was a special kind of evil.”

Hmmm. Don’t think that’s what they’re looking for.

[wintermom]

On 4/25/2022 at 2:59 AM, popmom said:

Come on in. I have had very low contact with my (abusive, borderline, narc) mother since last July. I HATE Mother’s Day. Always have. It’s agonizing trying to pick out a card because I’ve never experienced anything like what the cards say. It’s such a lie. This is the first Mother’s Day since I’ve gone low contact. I want to do something for myself. I’m okay with mailing a token card, but I really want to do something for myself. If you struggle similarly, what do you do to get through?

Mother's day goes two ways; you and your mother, you and your children. If you can focus on the latter, and that can help you make the day pass easier, it could be a way to get through.

I'm dreading losing my mother before this mother's day arrives. There is always some reason to feel bad about a specific day, however that's one's individual response to a situation. You can choose to respond differently. This way of thinking is usually a little less painful than feeling like you are helpless in unpleasant situations. You can try to take control in ways that make sense to you.

[popmom]

7 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Not everyone interprets emojis and LOLs as sincere when someone is being publicly rebuked alongside them.  They're often interpreted as cover for those using them at the expense of the person being publicly rebuked. In other words, it's a passive aggressive tactic.

Trigger warning: emotional abuse.
 

 

In light of the subject of this thread, I want to add something here. This interaction with you over my comment made me very anxious. Normally, I just try to ignore those feelings but not today. I’m sitting with it and asking myself why. The message I always hear is that I’m defective. I’m a screw up. And I can hear my mom saying, “You have NO IDEA how many ways you’ve hurt me.” 
 

I’m very averse to conflict of any kind. It’s a horrible feeling. And criticism. You don’t seem averse to conflict. I really want to know what that feels like. Maybe one day I will. I mess up and say hurtful things to my kids sometimes, and it doesn’t trigger anxiety in the same way because it’s a safe environment. I’m safe to mess up with them. I’m safe when they call me out. I’m safe when I apologize. There’s grace. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by popmom

[KungFuPanda]

On 4/25/2022 at 4:11 AM, Melissa in Australia said:

why celebrate it ?

 isn't it just a made up by a card company  spend day ?

I have never celebrated it , neither did my mother before me or her mother 

 

On 4/25/2022 at 4:25 AM, popmom said:

Very graciously I say…Not helpful. At all. Not even remotely. LOL 🙂 it’s much more complicated.

It could be more helpful than you know to reframe how you think about holidays. There really is no reason, other than habit, to bother with most of them. It’s very freeing to cultivate a disinterest in particular calendar dates. It frees you up to reschedule things without getting upset. It allows you to skip holidays that don’t bring you joy and to guiltlessly spend time how you want to with people who care about your well-being. When your children are grown, and conflicts occur, nobody has to have hurt feelings . . . you make plans with them in a different day. Nobody has to pick a card for anything ever. You can opt out of that. Nobody can hold you hostage with their expectations unless you let them. Healthy relationships don’t demand bells and whistles and unhealthy ones aren’t improved by them. 

[popmom]

5 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

It could be more helpful than you know to reframe how you think about holidays. There really is no reason, other than habit, to bother with most of them. It’s very freeing to cultivate a disinterest in particular calendar dates. It frees you up to reschedule things without getting upset. It allows you to skip holidays that don’t bring you joy and to guiltlessly spend time how you want to with people who care about your well-being. When your children are grown, and conflicts occur, nobody has to have hurt feelings . . . you make plans with them in a different day. Nobody has to pick a card for anything ever. You can opt out of that. Nobody can hold you hostage with their expectations unless you let them. Healthy relationships don’t demand bells and whistles and unhealthy ones aren’t improved by them. 

I totally agree! I am working on it. I haven’t been to a single holiday gathering in nearly a year. It’s freeing to an extent, but I still experience great anxiety over it. the “unless you let them” isn’t that cut and dry. I’m reprogramming my brain after years of abuse.  It’s going to take time. Sometimes taking that supposedly “freeing” action causes more anxiety in the short run. This has been terrifying for me. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by popmom

[wintermom]

13 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I used to get stressed about Mother's Day because I felt like whatever we did wasn't measuring up.  Now IDGAF. 

The holiday memories I associate with my mom and stepmother involve them griping, yelling, and complaining about holiday prep and "obligations".  They had help; they weren't stuck doing all the work alone.  They just liked complaining about holidays more than they liked changing anything.  

I don't want my son to view "Holidays with Mom" as a hellish obligation like my parents did. I turned the intensity of expectation for all holidays way, way down.  No stressing about the main course.  No uncomfortable, dressy "Sunday Best" clothes.  No long car rides to see relatives that secretly wished you hadn't come over.  No tension and heavy sighs because some nuance of family etiquette has not been observed correctly. 

Food will be eaten.  Wear pajamas if you want.  Fun will be had.  People can come by, or not.  Do what makes you content that day. 

Oh man, I so feel this! My mom stressed about every holiday, too. That stress permiated to me. I have toned down every celebration so much that I sometimes feel guilty I didn't do enough. It's impossible to be perfect, ya know. We just have to be satisfied with doing our best, I guess.

[Indigo Blue]

26 minutes ago, popmom said:

unless you let them” isn’t that cut and dry. I’m reprogramming my brain after years of abuse.  It’s going to take time. Sometimes taking that supposedly “freeing” action causes more anxiety in the short run. This has been terrifying for me. 

Solidarity.

[Grace Hopper]

44 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

It could be more helpful than you know to reframe how you think about holidays. There really is no reason, other than habit, to bother with most of them. It’s very freeing to cultivate a disinterest in particular calendar dates. It frees you up to reschedule things without getting upset. It allows you to skip holidays that don’t bring you joy and to guiltlessly spend time how you want to with people who care about your well-being. When your children are grown, and conflicts occur, nobody has to have hurt feelings . . . you make plans with them in a different day. Nobody has to pick a card for anything ever. You can opt out of that. Nobody can hold you hostage with their expectations unless you let them. Healthy relationships don’t demand bells and whistles and unhealthy ones aren’t improved by them. 

I completely agree with this. 
 

The trick is to also reprogram all the people who still seem to expect me to make the holiday magic happen! IME it’s been to be graciously frank with the people involved to let them know ahead of whatever date that they should no longer have xyz expectations of me. My people are coming around. 😁

Of course there are some who push back but thankfully not the family members nearest to me. 

[Jenny in Florida]

48 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

It could be more helpful than you know to reframe how you think about holidays. There really is no reason, other than habit, to bother with most of them. It’s very freeing to cultivate a disinterest in particular calendar dates. It frees you up to reschedule things without getting upset. It allows you to skip holidays that don’t bring you joy and to guiltlessly spend time how you want to with people who care about your well-being. When your children are grown, and conflicts occur, nobody has to have hurt feelings . . . you make plans with them in a different day. Nobody has to pick a card for anything ever. You can opt out of that. Nobody can hold you hostage with their expectations unless you let them. Healthy relationships don’t demand bells and whistles and unhealthy ones aren’t improved by them. 

It kind of feels like you might not have read many of the other posts in this thread from people discussing how difficult it is to avoid being reminded of Mother's Day during the normal course of one's life. Many of us are not talking about struggling with an obligation to "celebrate," but about the fact that simply being confronted over and over with reminders about it for weeks in advance while just trying to do our grocery shopping or check our email is painful. This is not about standing up to unwelcome or unreasonable "expectations" for many of us. Therefore, glib suggestions about "not celebrating" are the opposite of helpful.

Edited April 26, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[Indigo Blue]

I mean, @popmom, because you feel like you’re being “mean” when you’re really just having a normal reaction to something. It feels weird. After it happens, you rethink to make sure you weren’t being unreasonable and all……

[popmom]

Just now, Indigo Blue said:

I mean, @popmom, because you feel like you’re being “mean” when you’re really just having a normal reaction to something. It feels weird. After it happens, you rethink to make sure you weren’t being unreasonable and all……

Exactly! I’m on the web scouring whether I’m passive aggressive and manipulative. 😭 Because I don’t trust myself. I’m perpetually confused and constantly second guessing myself. 

[popmom]

9 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

It kind of feels like you might not have read many of the other posts in this thread from people discussing how difficult it is to avoid being reminded of Mother's Day during the normal course of one's life. Many of us are not talking about struggling with an obligation to "celebrate," but about the fact that simply being confronted over and over with reminders about it for weeks in advance while just trying to do our grocery shopping or check our email is painful. This is not about standing up to unwelcome or unreasonable "expectations" for many of us. Therefore, glib suggestions about "not celebrating" are the opposite of helpful.

All of this. Except the glib suggestions don’t make me angry—it confuses me because it just doesn’t jive with what I’ve experienced. But you are correct that it’s not helpful. It’s not their fault though. Of course what they are saying is reasonable—intellectually or “on paper”.

Edited April 26, 2022 by popmom

[Rosie_0801]

7 minutes ago, popmom said:

Exactly! I’m on the web scouring whether I’m passive aggressive and manipulative. 😭 Because I don’t trust myself. I’m perpetually confused and constantly second guessing myself. 

It's impossible to get through life without rubbing someone the wrong way.
Don't try to do impossible things. You can't. They're impossible and give us auto-immune diseases.

All we can do is mean well, adjust when it seems a good idea (if we can figure out how,) apologise* when we bugger up and not invest too much in people who speak a mutually incomprehensible dialect of Human.

*Which doesn't mean self flagellating. 

[Sneezyone]

22 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

It kind of feels like you might not have read many of the other posts in this thread from people discussing how difficult it is to avoid being reminded of Mother's Day during the normal course of one's life. Many of us are not talking about struggling with an obligation to "celebrate," but about the fact that simply being confronted over and over with reminders about it for weeks in advance while just trying to do our grocery shopping or check our email is painful. This is not about standing up to unwelcome or unreasonable "expectations" for many of us. Therefore, glib suggestions about "not celebrating" are the opposite of helpful.

I'm at the IDGAF point in my life, somewhere between hot flashes and death. I've ZERO interest in niceties but try to be performative where required. It's not 'glib' to suggest not celebrating. It's a stance wrought from anguish and pain and exhaustion. YOU DO YOU. That's it. That's all. The kids are more 'right' than you probably think.

[Rachel]

18 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

It kind of feels like you might not have read many of the other posts in this thread from people discussing how difficult it is to avoid being reminded of Mother's Day during the normal course of one's life. Many of us are not talking about struggling with an obligation to "celebrate," but about the fact that simply being confronted over and over with reminders about it for weeks in advance while just trying to do our grocery shopping or check our email is painful. This is not about standing up to unwelcome or unreasonable "expectations" for many of us. Therefore, glib suggestions about "not celebrating" are the opposite of helpful.

Exactly! When my mom left Mother’s Day weekend it put a peg in the memory and now it’s not about Mother’s Day at all, but the loss of a relationship and not understanding how a mom could walk away from her children. If she had left 4th of July weekend or Labor Day weekend, those would instead be hard days for me. If she had left on a random day in March I may not have a strong association with any particular date. 

[KungFuPanda]

9 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

It kind of feels like you might not have read many of the other posts in this thread from people discussing how difficult it is to avoid being reminded of Mother's Day during the normal course of one's life. Many of us are not talking about struggling with an obligation to "celebrate," but about the fact that simply being confronted over and over with reminders about it for weeks in advance while just trying to do our grocery shopping or check our email is painful. This is not about standing up to unwelcome or unreasonable "expectations" for many of us. Therefore, glib suggestions about "not celebrating" are the opposite of helpful.

I directed my comment specifically to the OP who was stressing over choosing a card for someone who probably won’t appreciate it. That anxiety is telling her something. I wasn’t glib, I was suggesting she change what she actually has the power to change, her own thoughts and actions. That’s not trivial. It’s certainly more helpful than being repeatedly triggered by a holiday that isn’t going away. If this was a JAWM topic I would have never responded. 
 

Mother’s Day isn’t going to be cancelled. People like it and will continue to participate, but it’s optional. Most people are confronted with regular reminders of something painful. Not every holiday is for everybody and Mother’s Day isn’t mandatory for anyone. It can be healthier to weather the temporary discomfort of change than allow yourself to be trapped in an endless loop of despair because you see bouquets in the grocery store. If you have the ability to mentally place Mother’s Day into the vast category of “Holidays I Don’t Celebrate” it could be worth the effort to do so. I never suggested that it was easy; just that it’s absolutely possible and might be worth it in THIS case..

[Jenny in Florida]

2 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

I'm at the IDGAF point in my life, somewhere between hot flashes and death. I've ZERO interest in niceties but try to be performative where required. It's not 'glib' to suggest not celebrating. It's a stance wrought from anguish and pain and exhaustion. YOU DO YOU. That's it. That's all. The kids are more 'right' than you probably think.

I realize I'm probably beating my head against a wall here, but I am not talking about celebrating. I'm not talking about bravely standing up against unwanted obligation. I'm talking about pain. Internal, personal, emotional pain that is sparked by non-stop reminders everywhere about this "joyous" day. I am "doing me," but I have not yet found a way to "do me" that allows me to withdraw completely from the world and avoid things that trigger sadness for weeks at a time. 

If you have suggestions about that, I'm all ears, Kiddo.

[Jenny in Florida]

3 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I never suggested that it was easy; just that it’s absolutely possible and might be worth it in THIS case..

I'm glad you have found it so.

[Sneezyone]

4 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I realize I'm probably beating my head against a wall here, but I am not talking about celebrating. I'm not talking about bravely standing up against unwanted obligation. I'm talking about pain. Internal, personal, emotional pain that is sparked by non-stop reminders everywhere about this "joyous" day. I am "doing me," but I have not yet found a way to "do me" that allows me to withdraw completely from the world and avoid things that trigger sadness for weeks at a time. 

If you have suggestions about that, I'm all ears, Kiddo.

Not a kiddo, but...thanks? I have no trouble avoiding it b/c a) I don't watch network TV or loca/national morning news and still get my groceries from store pick up and b) it only shows up in my FB feed on Sundays and and is easily ignored b/c I'm busy reading, sleeping, enjoying food my family prepped. This is doable. This has been my norm for 20+ years.

Edited April 26, 2022 by Sneezyone

[popmom]

17 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's impossible to get through life without rubbing someone the wrong way.
Don't try to do impossible things. You can't. They're impossible and give us auto-immune diseases.

All we can do is mean well, adjust when it seems a good idea (if we can figure out how,) apologise* when we bugger up and not invest too much in people who speak a mutually incomprehensible dialect of Human.

*Which doesn't mean self flagellating. 

Is this why my ANA panel came back positive? 
 

I appreciate what you are saying. Thank you for the reminder. Very wise. I can do those actions, but I can’t stop my body from going into fight or flight. Not yet. 

[Rosie_0801]

13 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I realize I'm probably beating my head against a wall here, but I am not talking about celebrating. I'm not talking about bravely standing up against unwanted obligation. I'm talking about pain. Internal, personal, emotional pain that is sparked by non-stop reminders everywhere about this "joyous" day. I am "doing me," but I have not yet found a way to "do me" that allows me to withdraw completely from the world and avoid things that trigger sadness for weeks at a time. 

If you have suggestions about that, I'm all ears, Kiddo.

I don't have any suggestions. I just think of being entitled to my pain.

[Jenny in Florida]

2 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Not a kiddo, but...thanks? I have no trouble avoiding it b/c a) I don't watch network TV or loca/national morning news and still get my groceries from store pick up and b) it only shows up in my FB feed on Sundays and and is easily ignored b/c I'm busy reading, sleeping, enjoying food my family prepped. This is doable. This has been my norm for 20+ years.

Well, since you suggested the "kids" are right, I figured . . .

I don't watch network TV or local/national news, either. I am not on Facebook. 

I do work, which requires me to interact with other human beings (at least in the form of Slack, email and Microsoft Teams meetings) whose topics of conversations I do not either anticipate or control. I do check my personal email, which is currently cluttered with Mother's Day themed promotions. I do collect my physical mail, which just today included multiple flyers for sales and restaurant specials. I do have to pick up prescriptions, which come with "cute" little holiday-themed flyers in the bag even if I go to the drive through instead of stepping foot inside the store. I do listen to podcasts, which also include ads and reminders -- even the non-commercial/public radio ones. I do listen to the classical music feed during my work day, which does not include ads but does feature the DJs reminding us to plan ahead and will, I am certain, feature a full program of "mother-themed" music at some point. I do read the newsletter from my HOA, which lists upcoming events. 

At some point, the effort of having to figure out how to avoid all of this requires just as much interaction with the stupid holiday as actually celebrating it would.

I mean, nice for you that you live a life that allows you to completely disengage. Not everyone does.

But, honestly, more to the point: Not everyone is like you. Not everyone finds the same advice, suggestions or coping strategies helpful. When someone tells you you've got it wrong, it's just possible you do. When someone tells you what you are saying is hurting them, it's just possible it is. And maybe the kind thing to do is not to double down on someone who is already showing their vulnerability.

[Rosie_0801]

4 minutes ago, popmom said:

Is this why my ANA panel came back positive? 
 

I appreciate what you are saying. Thank you for the reminder. Very wise. I can do those actions, but I can’t stop my body from going into fight or flight. Not yet. 

That sure takes practice.

 

It's going to be part of it, I'm sure. 

[Indigo Blue]

17 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's impossible to get through life without rubbing someone the wrong way.
Don't try to do impossible things. You can't. They're impossible and give us auto-immune diseases.

All we can do is mean well, adjust when it seems a good idea (if we can figure out how,) apologise* when we bugger up and not invest too much in people who speak a mutually incomprehensible dialect of Human.

*Which doesn't mean self flagellating. 

Like. 

Ok. I know what “Do they paint your dunny door?” means. (Pop mom, do you know? I’ll tell you if you don’t). I don’t know what bugger up means. I’m guessing “mess up”? 🤔

And, even though I know it’s not Aussie, I don’t know what flagellating is. I’m sure it has nothing to do with passing gas, but I’ll check. 😬 lol

It IS not possible to get through life without rubbing someone the wrong way, so let’s get used to it, as uncomfortable as it is. 
 

Thanks, Rosie.

 

 

[Sneezyone]

3 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Well, since you suggested the "kids" are right, I figured . . .

I don't watch network TV or local/national news, either. I am not on Facebook. 

I do work, which requires me to interact with other human beings (at least in the form of Slack, email and Microsoft Teams meetings) whose topics of conversations I do not either anticipate or control. I do check my personal email, which is currently cluttered with Mother's Day themed promotions. I do collect my physical mail, which just today included multiple flyers for sales and restaurant specials. I do have to pick up prescriptions, which come with "cute" little holiday-themed flyers in the bag even if I go to the drive through instead of stepping foot inside the store. I do listen to podcasts, which also include ads and reminders -- even the non-commercial/public radio ones. I do listen to the classical music feed during my work day, which does not include ads but does feature the DJs reminding us to plan ahead and will, I am certain, feature a full program of "mother-themed" music at some point. I do read the newsletter from my HOA, which lists upcoming events. 

At some point, the effort of having to figure out how to avoid all of this requires just as much interaction with the stupid holiday as actually celebrating it would.

I mean, nice for you that you live a life that allows you to completely disengage. Not everyone does.

But, honestly, more to the point: Not everyone is like you. Not everyone finds the same advice, suggestions or coping strategies helpful. When someone tells you you've got it wrong, it's just possible you do. When someone tells you what you are saying is hurting them, it's just possible it is. And maybe the kind thing to do is not to double down on someone who is already showing their vulnerability.

Sure, but unless you plan to crawl into a hole for months at a time, you're going to encounter holidays and situations that you do not enjoy while everyone else does, whether they be the death of a parent/sibling/friend/child or something else. Life goes on. Pick a strategy that works for you.

[popmom]

3 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Like. 

Ok. I know what “Do they paint your dunny door?” means. (Pop mom, do you know? I’ll tell you if you don’t). I don’t know what bugger up means. I’m guessing “mess up”? 🤔

And, even though I know it’s not Aussie, I don’t know what flagellating is. I’m sure it has nothing to do with passing gas, but I’ll check. 😬 lol

It IS not possible to get through life without rubbing someone the wrong way, so let’s get used to it, as uncomfortable as it is. 
 

Thanks, Rosie.

 

 

Self flagellating—I think of Martin Luther. 
 

I don’t know about the Dunny door, but I can imagine. 😉

Edited April 26, 2022 by popmom

[Rosie_0801]

Just now, Indigo Blue said:

Like. 

Ok. I know what “Do they paint your dunny door?” means. (Pop mom, do you know? I’ll tell you if you don’t). I don’t know what bugger up means. I’m guessing “mess up”? 🤔

And, even though I know it’s not Aussie, I don’t know what flagellating is. I’m sure it has nothing to do with passing gas, but I’ll check. 😬 lol

Yes, "bugger up" means mess up. 🤪

Self flagellating is beating up on yourself. I'm using it in the emotional sense, not the Christian whipping oneself for the purification of one's soul, which I'm also not a fan of.

[Sneezyone]

27 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's impossible to get through life without rubbing someone the wrong way.
Don't try to do impossible things. You can't. They're impossible and give us auto-immune diseases.

All we can do is mean well, adjust when it seems a good idea (if we can figure out how,) apologise* when we bugger up and not invest too much in people who speak a mutually incomprehensible dialect of Human.

*Which doesn't mean self flagellating. 

Love. Perfection/God-like perfection isn't possible despite the number of people who wallow in self-righteousness.

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Yes, "bugger up" means mess up. 🤪

Self flagellating is beating up on yourself. I'm using it in the emotional sense, not the Christian whipping oneself for the purification of one's soul, which I'm also not a fan of.

Would you like to explain “dunny door” or do you want me to? @popmom🙂

[popmom]

11 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Sure, but unless you plan to crawl into a hole for months at a time, you're going to encounter holidays and situations that you do not enjoy while everyone else does, whether they be the death of a parent/sibling/friend/child or something else. Life goes on. Pick a strategy that works for you.

My strategy: Mail a note card like garden mom suggested. Skip church. Go find a covered bridge with my youngest. Have a picnic. Try not to worry/think about the fallout with family. See my counselor asap for help formulating a strategy to counter the emotional pain—that yes is triggered by so many more events that just this one day. But there is no other holiday that puts the focus squarely on … it’s unique in that.

Edited April 26, 2022 by popmom

[popmom]

9 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Would you like to explain “dunny door” or do you want me to? @popmom🙂

Oh I’ll mess it up. Please do the honors. I looked it up but couldn’t find that exact phrase. I found another one tho. 😱

Edited April 26, 2022 by popmom

[Sneezyone]

1 minute ago, popmom said:

My strategy: Mail a note card like garden mom suggested. Skip church. Go find a covered bridge with my youngest. Have a picnic. Try not to worry about the fallout with family. See my counselor asap for help formulating a strategy to counter the emotional pain—that yes is triggered by so many more events that just this one day. But there is no other holiday that puts the focus squarely on … it’s unique in that.

Sounds like a plan. It sucks. Truly. Were it not for my kids/DH and the traditions we established long before this year I'd be a puddle of mush. Father's day is the same. DH lost his mom at 18 and his father at 23. My dad is now ailing and my mom is a nut. We are among the deliberate deemphasize crowd. 

[happi duck]

28 minutes ago, popmom said:

Is this why my ANA panel came back positive? 
 

I appreciate what you are saying. Thank you for the reminder. Very wise. I can do those actions, but I can’t stop my body from going into fight or flight. Not yet. 

I relate to this!  Fight or flight...bleh!  I have people in my life who think fight or flight is a choice...ugh!  It makes it a million times worse to deal with.

[happi duck]

21 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Yes, "bugger up" means mess up. 🤪

Self flagellating is beating up on yourself. I'm using it in the emotional sense, not the Christian whipping oneself for the purification of one's soul, which I'm also not a fan of.

"Which I'm also not a fan of" gave me a much needed laugh out loud moment!

[prairiewindmomma]

31 minutes ago, popmom said:

Is this why my ANA panel came back positive? 
 

 

Autoimmune stuff can be triggered by stress, but the genetics had to be in place first, generally.  A positive ana doesn't automatically mean AI, a positive ana can come from infection as well. 

I meant to chime in on your other thread, but the rheumy should be running a crap-ton of clotting factor tests as part of your general workup, in addition to vector borne disease tests and then the standard rheumy workup.  Mine did 4-5 clotting tests alone. That said, of the rheumies I've seen over the years, probably only one has been qualified to actually deal with really weird hematological stuff. I honestly don't know some days how my current rheumy passed her board exams for internal medicine or rheumatology. She's great for management, but I wouldn't want her doing initial diagnosis. If your primary is also willing to refer you over to a Hem, I'd get the referral in. I'd try to pick someone in the same hospital system as your rheumy so that they can easily see each other's labs. 

Also, if you have a pick, ask the front desk assigning you to your first workup appointment to find someone in clinic who specializes in diagnosis and early disease management.  Usually within a group practice you'll have someone who specializes in that while others specialize in subset areas like ocular or lung management or other connective tissue issues, and so on. It's kind of like orthopedic practices where one doc does a lot of hands or another does a lot of knees.  They are all qualified to do everything, but there may be some subset niche stuff going on within the practice.