Major Anxiety

[LVG]

I don’t post often, but you all have been so helpful the few times that I have, that I wanted to seek help here for now. This will be long, so I appreciate anyone willing to read and respond!

First, I am setting up counseling, and I have been, and plan to go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks, but I’m just looking for advice for now from others who have maybe walked down a similar path, or someone who can offer encouragement. 

I am struggling deeply with a lot of anxiety.  I’ve had stress in the past that I dealt with and moved past, but this is different and almost debilitating.  I have an intense fear that I have some kind of medical issue (hypochondria aka health anxiety).  My doctor assures me I do not, and it’s just anxiety.  I believe her, but for whatever reason my mind just constantly things about the “what if’s”…like what if it’s not just anxiety, what if I do have something scary.  My symptoms are very consistent with anxiety, and I know that the likely hood of it being something else is low, especially with how healthy of a lifestyle I have (mainly due to my fears of developing something from an unhealthy lifestyle).  Anytime I get any sort of twinge, tingling, etc, I immediately start to think “what if”, and I feel short of breath, my stomach gets upset, and I can barely make myself do whatever needs to be done around the house because I’m so anxious.

There are several factors I’m dealing with. First, we moved 10 months ago (I actually posted about that here, and you all gave us the encouragement and things to consider to help with that decision). Our goal in selling and moving has been to pay off debt and then build a house (good goal, right), well all I can concentrate on is how much time we have left before we start the process of building (we live in our camper right now), which sends me into a panic. I never imagined I would have these kind of feelings (because we did the camper life before), but I think this time we are older, our kids are older, and I just feel like we shouldn’t be at this point in life.  We not only moved because we wanted to be in the country and build, but because we also were tired of living paycheck to paycheck and wanted to change that cycle by taking this time of living in a camper to pay down debt. Second, we plan to build beside my mom, but I’m having a hard time with that decision.  I love my mom, and we get along great, but she lives about 30 min to an hour from everything we do in life (husbands work, church, friends). Honestly, I don’t mind the drive at all, but all I can think of is how far the kids will have to drive when they are older to see friends, to attend co-op, to go to church (they are only 5, 8, and 10 now). However, I see the need to be here right now for sure, which leads me to the third thing causing my anxiety…My stepdad has a terminal illness and often needs my help.  I know part of my anxiety is also coming from watching him go through this.  My mom has also taken up a daily drinking habit (I assume to deal with my the inevitable with my stepdad) and I’m concerned about that as well.  I worry about my kids watching her bad habits (not meaning to judge her, but just a concern I have, and also how they will handle it when their papa passes).  Lastly, and something I’ve struggled with for a long time is the feeling that we just don’t have enough community.  We have friends that we see pretty often, but I have been spoiled in the past from having good friends as neighbors where I saw them daily…and I’m missing that daily interaction.  At the same time I’ve been in those same situations where I had issues with a neighborhood kid and hated that for my kids, so I guess there’s a trade off to every perk. I thought being out in the country without neighbors would be nice, and my kids seem to enjoy it (although my boys miss playing daily with the kid that was across the street), my husband loves it, but I’m having a hard time!  Also, my mom now being our daily neighbor to interact with is causing me a lot of anxiety.  She is nothing like us…she doesn’t go to church, she smokes and drinks, and just overall lives with no hope.  That’s not the daily interaction I long for, but at the same time I feel like we are her light and hope in this dark time for her. I think about the future and the “what if’s” of something happening to me from an illness I don’t even have, and I feel like my kids and husband would be very lonely here, and that sends me into a panic.  I know this fall when baseball games, homeschool co-ops, etc start back up, and we are busy, maybe I won’t feel so anxious, but for now I’m just looking for someone else who has maybe had a season like this, and what you did to overcome these feelings!  I’m praying, reading books, listening to podcast, and reading the Bible (not as much as I probably should), but what else can I do?

Thanks for any input🙂

[Laura Corin]

11 minutes ago, LVG said:

 Also, my mom now being our daily neighbor to interact with is causing me a lot of anxiety.  She is nothing like us…she doesn’t go to church, she smokes and drinks, and just overall lives with no hope.  

..,...

Thanks for any input🙂

Would it be okay to give a bit of context? Is your mum drinking a glass or two of wine each day or is she drunk? Does she say that she has no hope, or are you worried about her lack of obvious religious faith?

I'm sorry things are so hard .

Edited June 30, 2021 by Laura Corin

[LVG]

She drinks about 5 beers nightly.  She doesn’t get drunk as she’s a large lady and I guess can hold her alcohol well.  I just know it’s something she’s become dependent on because she said a while back she was going to stop and only drink on the weekends because it was so expensive, and that lasted a week.

She hasn’t said she feels hopeless, but I just don’t see any hope.  She goes to work, comes home, drinks her beer, goes to bed and repeats.  The weekends consist of her just sitting around the house, usually starting her drinking around noon.  She does cook for us most weekends, but never wants to go anywhere or do anything (which has actually always been the case for her).

[Laura Corin]

10 minutes ago, LVG said:

She drinks about 5 beers nightly.  She doesn’t get drunk as she’s a large lady and I guess can hold her alcohol well.  I just know it’s something she’s become dependent on because she said a while back she was going to stop and only drink on the weekends because it was so expensive, and that lasted a week.

She hasn’t said she feels hopeless, but I just don’t see any hope.  She goes to work, comes home, drinks her beer, goes to bed and repeats.  The weekends consist of her just sitting around the house, usually starting her drinking around noon.  She does cook for us most weekends, but never wants to go anywhere or do anything (which has actually always been the case for her).

The drinking does sound like a lot. Is she concerned about it, apart from the expense? Her life is not like yours but it's perhaps what she has chosen.

To me it depends what kind of interaction you want with her.  She may not be the best role model,  but your children will see you showing care for your imperfect relative, which could be very positive.  Would it be possible to see her on a schedule and otherwise behave as though she lived across town,  as she doesn't want to be involved?

Eta I'm focusing on the relationship with your mum because that's something I've navigated myself.

Edited June 30, 2021 by Laura Corin

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

Gently—there’s anxiety and then there’s your body and mind trying to alert you that this situation isn’t the best for your family.

Five beers a night is not a small amount.  Living in a camper is not the easiest. Living 45-60 minutes away from everything is very difficult once your kids are teenagers, especially if they are homeschooled(I was a homeschooled teen in the country 45 minutes away from my friends and all our activities.  My mom has frequently said she would not do that again).  
 

Honestly, I think you’re reacting normally to some red flags. None of them may be deal breakers, but your “anxiety” may be your instinct trying to tell your something. 

[LVG]

No, she isn’t concerned about the drinking.  Her motto in life has always been “you have to die of something, why not die doing what you enjoy”…her excuse for drinking and smoking I guess.

We actually live in our camper next to her, so there is no avoiding it.  We plan to build next to her, which is part of my concern.  We still have the choice not to do that, but it’s going to be a hard decision. 

[freesia]

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. Times when we have been in between do trigger my anxiety.  I do best when our routines are settled. Somethings that have helped me:

Counseling even when I thought I knew all the tricks. 

Getting a handle on ruminating. My mind tricks me that if I just keep thinking I will figure out a solution.  This is false.  I set a time limit and imagine laying it at God’s feet  

Counting my breaths in and out. I bring my mind back to the breaths or naming the colors I see  

Research cognitive distortions and evaluating my thoughts in light of them.

L-theanine

FWIW 5 beers a day signals alcoholism to me.  

 

 

[SlowRiver]

I agree with the above, this mainly seems like situation caused anxiety. Which doesn't make it easier but might affect how you manage it.

The community issue seems to me like a big one. I've found that when there are other things I can't control that cause me stress, having a community I depend on around makes a huge difference. So maybe trying to reach out there, whatever that means, would be helpful. It's easier said than done though, I know.

Something else that struck me is that you mention you are older so things seem harder. I don't know your age, but hormonal changes in middle age can really ramp up anxiety for a few years. I've fond that seems to be a problem for mw recently, like you combined with some real sources of anxiety. I haven't done anything but I found just realising that might be a factor helpful.

I don't think there is much you can do about another person's drinking, other than giving support for you mother's underlying stress.  I do think though that if she is not visibly drunk etc I wouldn't worry too much about the kids. Yhe y probably don't really thin a lot about how many beers she drinks.

[freesia]

10 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Gently—there’s anxiety and then there’s your body and mind trying to alert you that this situation isn’t the best for your family.

Five beers a night is not a small amount.  Living in a camper is not the easiest. Living 45-60 minutes away from everything is very difficult once your kids are teenagers, especially if they are homeschooled(I was a homeschooled teen in the country 45 minutes away from my friends and all our activities.  My mom has frequently said she would not do that again).  
 

Honestly, I think you’re reacting normally to some red flags. None of them may be deal breakers, but your “anxiety” may be your instinct trying to tell your something. 

I agree with all of this. 

[mommyoffive]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Gently—there’s anxiety and then there’s your body and mind trying to alert you that this situation isn’t the best for your family.

Five beers a night is not a small amount.  Living in a camper is not the easiest. Living 45-60 minutes away from everything is very difficult once your kids are teenagers, especially if they are homeschooled(I was a homeschooled teen in the country 45 minutes away from my friends and all our activities.  My mom has frequently said she would not do that again).  
 

Honestly, I think you’re reacting normally to some red flags. None of them may be deal breakers, but your “anxiety” may be your instinct trying to tell your something. 

I agree with this.    I would never openly move away from activities and work.   It works ok when your kids are little and are not in a lot of things or busy.  When they are tweens and teens it is horrible.  

[Beth S]

IMO, your Anxiety is based in Reality. 
I would maybe re-frame this:  you're living temporarily in a camper, until you figure out the optimal Next Step.

Wouldn't it actually be a blessing, if this "temporary" living situation ended up yielding a DIFFERENT, better "permanent" living situation.

Honestly, I agree with the PPs that your Anxiety is actually an acknowledgement of a series of Red Flags.

Praying for you.  Thankful for The Hive.  👍

ETA:  I, too, am 57yo.  Yes, my dh & I are talking about what to do in retirement, but having kids move to live next door to us NOW is absolutely not Our Plan.

Edited June 30, 2021 by Beth S

[Scarlett]

Living near your mom is important and will become more important as she ages.  How old is she?  Would she be likely to consider moving near you if you moved back to a more urban area?

[LVG]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Living near your mom is important and will become more important as she ages.  How old is she?  Would she be likely to consider moving near you if you moved back to a more urban area?

She is only 57.  If we moved it would only be about 20 minutes away, so not that far.  I don’t know if she would or not.  She’s been here in this community her entire life. 

[Acadie]

My kids are both teens. There was a time when they were little when we thought of moving for various reasons, and did not. Looking back, the biggest reason I wish we had moved was for a better sense of community and a neighborly feeling. I hear you on the potential for downsides with neighbors for sure, but through the lens of my experience I'd listen to the feeling in your gut that questions if this is the best place for your family in terms of community. 

The most important consideration for where you live is your family's needs, not your mom's. If being there is causing you to question deeply if this is right for your family, maybe you could dip your toe into exploring your other options. Is there a place where you'd be closer to the things you like to do and the cost of housing could be at least a bit lower than what you were paying before? Could you stay in the camper short term, helping you get to a better place financially not to build on your mom's land but to buy, build or rent elsewhere? Can you see employment and income opportunities expanding as your kids get older?

Where are you in the process of building? Have you made any big financial commitments that you can't reverse at this point? If not, this is actually an excellent time to explore your options. If you have made commitments you still may have options, and it could be much easier to extricate yourself now than further in the process. 

Does dh share any of your concerns? 

ETA: just a thought. I like to write so I'd try a journaling exercise--write what you anticipate life being like in 5 years if you continue with your current plan, and how that feels. Then write what you anticipate if you change course, and how that feels. Sometimes I get helpful nuggets of insight that I hadn't anticipated from a journaling exercise like this. 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Acadie

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, LVG said:

She is only 57.  If we moved it would only be about 20 minutes away, so not that far.  I don’t know if she would or not.  She’s been here in this community her entire life. 

Ok, well 20 minutes is not that far.  

How long until you can build?  And will it be a home you could sell if you wanted without upsetting the family?

[Carol in Cal.]

It sounds like being that close to your mom is going to mess with your ability to raise your kids well, and that she would be the default ‘babysitter’ if something happened to you.  I wonder whether your anxiety about your own health has to do with that, in the back of your mind.

You gave up a great deal to make this move—friends, a mostly good neighborhood, a large enough home—so just simple unhappiness is in the mix.  It’s natural to mourn losses.

If I were you, I think I would be working very hard to improve your situation financially but not necessarily to start building or even pursue plans for that.  I’d set a deadline about a year out to get the financial piece nicely stabilized, and assume that this placement is temporary.  

[LVG]

 

5 minutes ago, Acadie said:

My kids are both teens. There was a time when they were little when we thought of moving for various reasons, and did not. Looking back, the biggest reason I wish we had moved was for a better sense of community and a neighborly feeling. I hear you on the potential for downsides with neighbors for sure, but through the lens of my experience I'd listen to the feeling in your gut that questions if this is the best place for your family in terms of community. 

The most important consideration for where you live is your family's needs, not your mom's. If being there is causing you to question deeply if this is right for your family, maybe you could dip your toe into exploring your other options. Is there a place where you'd be closer to the things you like to do and the cost of housing could be at least a bit lower than what you were paying before? Could you stay in the camper short term, helping you get to a better place financially not to build on your mom's land but to buy, build or rent elsewhere? Can you see employment and income opportunities expanding as your kids get older?

Where are you in the process of building? Have you made any big financial commitments that you can't reverse at this point? If not, this is actually an excellent time to explore your options. If you have made commitments you still may have options, and it could be much easier to extricate yourself now than further in the process. 

Does dh share any of your concerns? 

As far as cheaper cost of living than what we previously had, that is probably not an option in this market with where we would ideally like to be location wise.  At this time we have not made any financially commitments other than the camper, which we could always sell.  We have one major loan we want to have paid off before we proceed and that will be done around October of 2022.  Until then we are sort of stuck here.  That idea I don’t mind, but I think the idea that this location is going to be our forever location is weighing on me, as I would never build next to my mom and then sell it if I wasn’t happy…since that would give her a new neighbor right next door.  She’s on 7 acres with no neighbors really next to her, so I wouldn’t want to cause disruption with that if we chose to sell.

DH is very concerned about my mental health right now.  He doesn’t want to build here if this is how I’m going to be.  I can’t pinpoint us building and being here forever being the only issue, but I do think it’s a major one that I’m struggling with…it just feels so permanent.  

[LVG]

6 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

It sounds like being that close to your mom is going to mess with your ability to raise your kids well, and that she would be the default ‘babysitter’ if something happened to you.  I wonder whether your anxiety about your own health has to do with that, in the back of your mind.

You gave up a great deal to make this move—friends, a mostly good neighborhood, a large enough home—so just simple unhappiness is in the mix.  It’s natural to mourn losses.

If I were you, I think I would be working very hard to improve your situation financially but not necessarily to start building or even pursue plans for that.  I’d set a deadline about a year out to get the financial piece nicely stabilized, and assume that this placement is temporary.  

Yes, yes and yes!  I have major anxiety about something happening to me and her being the main person in their life helping my husband…and it stresses me out because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choices and I don’t want that the be a major part of my kids lives!

[LVG]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Ok, well 20 minutes is not that far.  

How long until you can build?  And will it be a home you could sell if you wanted without upsetting the family?

If we build it would be at least the middle of 2023 before we could start, and if we built here we could never sell as it would be right next to my mom.  She has 7 acres with no neighbors really, so adding a home next door with potential new neighbors would be an issue.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, LVG said:

If we build it would be at least the middle of 2023 before we could start, and if we built here we could never sell as it would be right next to my mom.  She has 7 acres with no neighbors really, so adding a home next door with potential new neighbors would be an issue.

Then there is no way I would do that. Not you feeling the way you are feeling right now and so many red flags.  Just hang tight, pay off debt, save money and see what the future brings.  If you step dad is terminal, it might be good to see how things shake out once he dies.  

[Carol in Cal.]

10 minutes ago, LVG said:

Yes, yes and yes!  I have major anxiety about something happening to me and her being the main person in their life helping my husband…and it stresses me out because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choices and I don’t want that the be a major part of my kids lives!

Ok, so this is what to take forward.  You’ve got it all pinpointed.

I’ll bet that if you decide not to build there a lot of these symptoms will dissipate.  You don’t have to decide where else to go just yet.  Just decide not to build there.  It sounds like a bad idea all around.

Also, work hard on keeping up your kids’ other relationships in the meantime.  And yours, too.  

This kind of reminds me of when I graduated from college.  I had OK job offers within about an hour from my family, but a GREAT job across the country.  It made all the sense in the world to take the great job offer as a temporary thing, with the idea of moving back to the area later, but every time I decided to do it I would get very sad, almost depressed.  So I’d change my mind and decide not to take it, and feel better, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to turn it down.  Finally on the third round of this I didn’t feel bad anymore about moving, so I took the great job after all.  Honestly, it would have worked out fine either way but I’m glad I had the space to take my time and honor my feelings.  I hope you give yourself that space, too.

Edited June 30, 2021 by Carol in Cal.

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, LVG said:

She is only 57.  If we moved it would only be about 20 minutes away, so not that far.  I don’t know if she would or not.  She’s been here in this community her entire life. 

I’m 57.

And I will tell you right now that unless your mom has serious health problems of her own, you do not need to live next door to her unless it’s something you feel is right for your family. 

Your mom could live for another 30 years. She has a lot of options open to her. She’s still working now, so living close to her job is probably important to her right now, but once she has retired, she will be able to relocate if she chooses to do so. That doesn’t mean that you need to live next door to her in anticipation of her getting old and needing you to help her. You can easily live 15 or 20 minutes away from her and still visit frequently, yet still be within more reasonable distance of the places and activities you and your family enjoy.

My advice is to stay where you are until you are in the financial position to buy another home in a place you like. At that point, you can ask your mom if she would like to get a new place in that same area, so you can continue to live close to each other. If she wants to stay where she is, that’s her decision, but you will have made the offer so you can move without guilt. It sounds like, unfortunately, your mom will be a young widow, so moving to a place with more options for activity might be perfect for her at that time.

While you’re getting all of your own ducks in a row, you will still be near your mom to help with your stepdad. Once you have your finances in order, you can make a decision about whether or not you need to stay there longer to help your mom, but realistically — and I don’t mean to sound morbid — please don’t base your decision on building a house next to your mom on the need to help her care for your stepdad if he may not be around much longer. He will have passed away, and you will be stuck in a house you don’t want in a location you don’t like. 

As someone who is your mom’s age and the parent of only one child, I would hate to see my child anxious and unhappy because he had moved to live closer to me. I would want my child’s kids to live someplace where they could have friends and go to activities. I wouldn’t want my child’s kids to become teenage drivers who were always driving long distances every time they wanted to go anywhere. 

If anyone will be moving to be near family, it would make a lot more sense for your mom to eventually move to a place that works well for you and your kids, not the other way around. If you’d said that your mom has a lot of close friends in her neighborhood and has gone to the same church and belonged to the same garden club for the past 25 years, I might think differently, but if your mom mostly sits alone and watches TV, she can do that anywhere. It’s more important that you and your family find the right place, and then invite mom to move near you.

[Acadie]

2 minutes ago, LVG said:

 

As far as cheaper cost of living than what we previously had, that is probably not an option in this market with where we would ideally like to be location wise.  At this time we have not made any financially commitments other than the camper, which we could always sell.  We have one major loan we want to have paid off before we proceed and that will be done around October of 2022.  Until then we are sort of stuck here.  That idea I don’t mind, but I think the idea that this location is going to be our forever location is weighing on me, as I would never build next to my mom and then sell it if I wasn’t happy…since that would give her a new neighbor right next door.  She’s on 7 acres with no neighbors really next to her, so I wouldn’t want to cause disruption with that if we chose to sell.

DH is very concerned about my mental health right now.  He doesn’t want to build here if this is how I’m going to be.  I can’t pinpoint us building and being here forever being the only issue, but I do think it’s a major one that I’m struggling with…it just feels so permanent.  

Okay, so what I'm hearing is you may be okay with being there now, but making a permanent commitment to building and living there is just not sitting right with you. Would it be a relief to agree with dh that you're in a holding pattern for now on housing, and to set a future date when you'll discuss your next steps? It could be 3 months from now, or a year or two or three, with the idea that you're simply building financially now. 

Taking that piece off your plate might give you a bit of relief and help open up space for you to focus on what else you need for your wellbeing.

It's really good to hear that your dh prioritizes your mental health and wellbeing and is open to exploring options where you and your whole family will thrive.

And it's also great that you're setting up counseling. In the meantime, is there any kind of exercise, outdoor time, or meditation you could try that might help take the edge off your feelings of anxiety, until you can access additional help? Try to notice if there's anything that helps. Watching a show you like? Calling a friend? Focusing on doing something with your kids? Turn on music and dance or sing, or sing in the shower? 

I'm a ruminator so I know that often doesn't help though it can be hard to redirect. If you take care and notice when you feel a bit better and when you feel more anxious, you might get some clues to small things you can do to ease your mind throughout the day. 

[Catwoman]

14 minutes ago, LVG said:

Yes, yes and yes!  I have major anxiety about something happening to me and her being the main person in their life helping my husband…and it stresses me out because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choices and I don’t want that the be a major part of my kids lives!

Then you know what you need to do. And that’s why you’re so anxious. You feel horribly guilty about abandoning your mom, yet you know you don’t really want to live next door to her for the next 30 years. 

Is there any way your mom might be willing to make some lifestyle changes if she knew how important it was to you?

Edited to add — I don’t mean that you would actually be abandoning your mom if you move an hour away from her. I just mean that you are probably feeling like you would be abandoning her! She’s only 57. She will be ok!

Edited June 30, 2021 by Catwoman

[Acadie]

4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Ok, so this is what to take forward.  You’ve got it all pinpointed.

I’ll bet that if you decide not to build there a lot of these symptoms will dissipate.  You don’t have to decide where else to go just yet.  Just decide not to build there.  It sounds like a bad idea all around.

Also, work hard on keeping up your kids’ other relationships in the meantime.  And yours, too.  

Agreeing 1000% with all this!

[Catwoman]

47 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Living near your mom is important and will become more important as she ages.  How old is she?  Would she be likely to consider moving near you if you moved back to a more urban area?

I think that’s a good idea.

Once I saw that her mom was only 57, I started thinking that it would be better for Mom to move to be close to LVG and her family, not the other way around. Being in a more active area might do the mom a world of good, and might inspire her to go more places and do more things if they are convenient for her.  And if she decides to stay where she is, it doesn’t sound like LVG will be moving all that far away from her, anyway. 

[freesia]

12 minutes ago, Acadie said:

 

And it's also great that you're setting up counseling. In the meantime, is there any kind of exercise, outdoor time, or meditation you could try that might help take the edge off your feelings of anxiety, until you can access additional help? Try to notice if there's anything that helps. Watching a show you like? Calling a friend? Focusing on doing something with your kids? Turn on music and dance or sing, or sing in the shower? 

I'm a ruminator so I know that often doesn't help though it can be hard to redirect. If you take care and notice when you feel a bit better and when you feel more anxious, you might get some clues to small things you can do to ease your mind throughout the day. 

Yes, I forgot to say that although I had been exercising inside for years, starting to take regular outside walks (and at least 3x a week for an hour) made a *huge* difference in my mental health.  Exercise and outside time can really, really help.  Also, limiting computer time.

[Scarlett]

21 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I’m 57.

 

As someone who is your mom’s age and the parent of only one child, I would hate to see my child anxious and unhappy because he had moved to live closer to me. I would want my child’s kids to live someplace where they could have friends and go to activities. I wouldn’t want my child’s kids to become teenage drivers who were always driving long distances every time they wanted to go anywhere. 

 

Same here.

[LVG]

37 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Is there any way your mom might be willing to make some lifestyle changes if she knew how important it was to you?

I am not sure.  I’ve never really talked to her about it, in fear that she would feel I’m judging her.  She has quite a wall up toward people who go to church…feeling they are just judgmental, and I’ve tried to be careful in not furthering those negative feelings. 

[LucyStoner]

Living in a fairly isolated location adjacent to a problem drinker you have to interact with on the regular doesn’t sound like it would help anyone’s anxiety level.  I know she’s your mom but multigenerational living may not be workable for this situation given all the details.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Your mom is a functional alcoholic if she can't choose to stop drinking that much.  And yes, functional alcoholics can hold down jobs, take care of family etc.  Until they can't. 

Count me in as another 57 year old.  I am not elderly and would not want my grown children to make their living choices revolve around me. 

It sounds like you are getting regular medical care.  Besides agreeing with the advice to move twenty minutes away where you will have the community you need, I think that it might help to talk to your doctor about taking something for your anxiety at least on a temporary basis. 

[LucyStoner]

My dad does need someone close by but due to his issue with drinking, we will never live be able to have him live with us.  Once he needs daily support, he’s going to have to go to a group home or a care center.  It’s not ideal but I’m not able to do more than help him manage his medical appointments, drive him for a few errands and appointments and make sure his apartment is clean with a cleaning service.  We are about a 20ish minute drive from him.  My brother is 20ish minutes in a different direction and we split the care.  Dad’s also pushing 80- your mom doesn’t appear to need that kind of support yet.  It’s kind of you to be thinking of helping her but you might be borrowing tomorrow’s challenges.  

[Catwoman]

16 minutes ago, LVG said:

I am not sure.  I’ve never really talked to her about it, in fear that she would feel I’m judging her.  She has quite a wall up toward people who go to church…feeling they are just judgmental, and I’ve tried to be careful in not furthering those negative feelings. 

You are making a decision that will potentially affect the next several decades of your life. I don’t think you have any choice but to be open with your mom about your concerns. Also, she will never change if she has no idea that her lifestyle choices bother you. I think you need to give her a chance to prove your assumptions wrong — and if she proves you right, and she feels that you are judging her, is it really a good idea to live next door to her? You don’t want to spend the rest of her life walking on eggshells and not being able to tell her how you truly feel.

I don’t think you need to bring religion into this at all. I think you should focus on how you are concerned that her drinking will affect her health. And the location of the house has nothing at all to do with religion and is a huge concern for you, so why not just tell her how you’re worried about the kids being in too remote a location to be able to easily make friends and participate in activities? You said you love your mom and you get along great, so don’t you think she will be concerned about your mental health and want to do what she can to help you? Give her a chance. She probably already senses that you are very anxious, so you might as well tell her what’s going on. 

[Carol in Cal.]

It seems like your mom has welcomed you with open arms, and that she is going to feel kicked in the teeth if you tell her you are moving to get away from her.  

My suggestion would be to avoid talking about the future for a while, and even avoid thinking about it.  Resolve in your head that you’re not going to build there, but don’t talk about it.  Instead, talk about how grateful you are to be able to get onto your feet financially, and focus on that.

Separately, you can talk to your mom about her drinking—that’s it’s at an unhealthy level, that she is clearly dependent, that you’re surprised that she is willing to jeopardize her brain like that because she has always been so smart, etc.  And then leave it alone for a while and let her think about it.  In parallel, focus your activities elsewhere, geographically, where your and your kids old friends are.

[Terabith]

This is a terrible idea.  You do not want to be far away from all the places you go often as your kids get older, even before you get into the idea of your mother's drinking.  

Stay where you are while you save money/ pay down debts.  This will allow you to a) help with stepfather, and b) wait out the housing situation.  When you're ready to buy a house, buy in town, close to work/ friends/ activities/ etc.  You can come back to visit your mom.  Or when she retires, she can come be closer to you, if she wants.  But at 57, there is no need for you to make plans to make the rest of your life miserable.  

[LVG]

4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

It seems like your mom has welcomed you with open arms, and that she is going to feel kicked in the teeth if you tell her you are moving to get away from her.  

My suggestion would be to avoid talking about the future for a while, and even avoid thinking about it.  Resolve in your head that you’re not going to build there, but don’t talk about it.  Instead, talk about how grateful you are to be able to get onto your feet financially, and focus on that.

Even after discussing and making the decision to build next to her, she has always mentioned that we might decide it’s not the right place for us, so although I think she would be disappointed to hear we are leaning more toward other options, I don’t think she would be totally shocked.  Our initial plan was to build in a location closer to the city, but with prices increasing and the market being so crazy, we felt that building here would be the best financial decision.  She knows I’ve had some hesitations about the idea of living here, but I’ve tried to justify it over the last several months.  When we moved here to live in the camper, we never had plans of it being long term, so I don’t think she would take it as we are trying to get away from her.

I have already brought up to my stepdad this morning that we are considering other options because he has a skid steer and has continued to push off the area where we were planning to build.  I didn’t want him to keep putting time into that, and he is also pushing us to go ahead and mark the driveway so he can work on it…so I wanted to be up front that we are not sure what we are going to do so he wouldn’t continue to put in all that effort (which we never asked him to do).

[Pawz4me]

I don't know anything about how much drinking constitutes a problem or alcoholism, so I'll leave that to others to address. But aside from that it seems to me that you're borrowing a whole lot of trouble. Your mom is only 57. For reference, I'm 58. I have a DH who has stage IV cancer. I understand some of what your mom may be going through. Why would or should she be expected to feel much hope right now? Dealing with a spouse's terminal illness is by no means an easy thing to do. Emotions are all over the place. She's very likely dealing with anticipatory grief. Please don't impose some sort of misguided toxic positivity expectation on her. (And for full disclosure I'm also not a church goer, although I don't see how religion or lack thereof really plays into any of this.)

But other than the questionable amount of drinking it sounds as if she's fully functioning, fully capable. Sure she'll likely need you in the future. But that very well may be 15 or more years down the road. Could be 30 or more. It may sound harsh to say this, but at 57 and barring major health issues of her own--she likely doesn't need you for anything other than (perhaps) some moral support.

And gently, it also sounds like your hypochondria is type of borrowing trouble. I've had my own brush with health anxiety (but no one around me was anywhere close to sick at the time), and it's a horrible thing to deal with.

I do think you would benefit from some counseling. Good for you for getting that set up. I also believe you would benefit from some medication. When I was dealing with the worst of my health anxiety I did a short course (a year or so) of an anti-depressant and it helped me tremendously. The mental peace it brought to me was wonderfully welcome.

Best of luck getting it sorted out. Messy seasons of life are hard.

Edited June 30, 2021 by Pawz4me

[LVG]

2 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

I don't know anything about how much drinking constitutes a problem or alcoholism, so I'll leave that to others to address. But aside from that it seems to me that you're borrowing a whole lot of trouble. Your mom is only 57. For reference, I'm 58. I have a DH who has stage IV cancer. I understand some of what your mom may be going through. Why would or should she be expected to feel much hope right now? Dealing with a spouse's terminal illness is by no means an easy thing to do. It's one of those things that's not for the feint of heart. Please don't impose some sort of misguided toxic positivity expectation on her. (And for full disclosure I'm also not a church goer, although I don't see how religion or lack thereof really plays into any of this.)

But other than the questionable amount of drinking it sounds as if she's fully functioning, fully capable. Sure she'll likely need you in the future. But that very well may be 15 or more years down the road. Could be 30 or more. It may sound harsh to say this, but at 57 and barring major health issues of her own--she likely doesn't need you for anything other than (perhaps) some moral support.

And gently, it also sounds like your hypochondria is type of borrowing trouble. I've had my own brush with health anxiety (but no one around me was anywhere close to sick at the time), and it's a horrible thing to deal with.

I do think you would benefit from some counseling. Good for you for getting that set up. I also believe you would benefit from some medication. When I was dealing with the worst of my health anxiety I did a short course (a year or so) of an anti-depressant and it helped me tremendously. The mental peace it brought to me was wonderfully welcome.

Best of luck getting it sorted out. Messy seasons of life are hard.

I definitely feel a lot of sympathy for her, and I know the alcohol is really her way of coping with this. I definitely don’t judge her for it, I am just very concerned for her.  I have encouraged her to find a support group, or seek therapy, but she won’t. I definitely don’t expect her to give a lot of positive vibes, and had hoped I would be that place of positivity for her, but I am now struggling with my own mental health and feel I’m becoming more of a burden than a blessing.  I am so sorry about your DH.  

[Catwoman]

14 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

I don't know anything about how much drinking constitutes a problem or alcoholism, so I'll leave that to others to address. But aside from that it seems to me that you're borrowing a whole lot of trouble. Your mom is only 57. For reference, I'm 58. I have a DH who has stage IV cancer. I understand some of what your mom may be going through. Why would or should she be expected to feel much hope right now? Dealing with a spouse's terminal illness is by no means an easy thing to do. Emotions are all over the place. She's very likely dealing with anticipatory grief. Please don't impose some sort of misguided toxic positivity expectation on her. (And for full disclosure I'm also not a church goer, although I don't see how religion or lack thereof really plays into any of this.)

But other than the questionable amount of drinking it sounds as if she's fully functioning, fully capable. Sure she'll likely need you in the future. But that very well may be 15 or more years down the road. Could be 30 or more. It may sound harsh to say this, but at 57 and barring major health issues of her own--she likely doesn't need you for anything other than (perhaps) some moral support.

And gently, it also sounds like your hypochondria is type of borrowing trouble. I've had my own brush with health anxiety (but no one around me was anywhere close to sick at the time), and it's a horrible thing to deal with.

I do think you would benefit from some counseling. Good for you for getting that set up. I also believe you would benefit from some medication. When I was dealing with the worst of my health anxiety I did a short course (a year or so) of an anti-depressant and it helped me tremendously. The mental peace it brought to me was wonderfully welcome.

Best of luck getting it sorted out. Messy seasons of life are hard.

I think this post is perfect.

One thing I might add is that if you think your mom is self-medicating with the drinking, can you find a way to spend time with her in the evenings so she’s not sitting around alone, trying to distract herself from worrying about your stepdad? It’s terrifying to think that a loved one’s time is limited, and it is horrible to know that someone you love is suffering and that there is nothing you can do to save them. Maybe your mom needs some company to help her cope with everything that is going on in her life. She may not want to burden your stepdad with her worries, so maybe you and she can be a team, where you both talk openly about your anxiety and concerns. 

[LVG]

8 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I think this post is perfect.

One thing I might add is that if you think your mom is self-medicating with the drinking, can you find a way to spend time with her in the evenings so she’s not sitting around alone, trying to distract herself from worrying about your stepdad? It’s terrifying to think that a loved one’s time is limited, and it is horrible to know that someone you love is suffering and that there is nothing you can do to save them. Maybe your mom needs some company to help her cope with everything that is going on in her life. She may not want to burden your stepdad with her worries, so maybe you and she can be a team, where you both talk openly about your anxiety and concerns. 

I do spend every evening with her, but so far that hasn’t helped.  I invite her places too, but she never wants to go.  

[Melissa Louise]

Meds were the only thing that helped me with intense health anxiety. Lexapro + immediate relief. 

[heartlikealion]

Just based on your post my gut reaction was to suggest you not move beside her. Whether or not you "mind" the driving, it's inconvenient to your whole family. And depending on price of gas, also expensive.

Is there a compromise location or is the land already selected etc? 

Also, considering she's not ideal company right now, I'm not sure the draw to live so close... is it guilt? Pressure? 

I don't like to push drugs, but they have made a difference in my life. Maybe consider seeing someone that can prescribe you some anxiety meds. This may be a general practitioner or psychiatrist. I know some moms get it from an OB/GYN but I think that only makes sense if they are going to their OB/GYN frequently and/or dealing with post partum depression. I see a psychiatrist. I'm currently using celexa for depression and anxiety. It doesn't cure every bit of anxiety in my life, but it makes it a lot more manageable. 

Lastly, have you spoken to your children about their feelings? If they will feel sad about living far from peers, that is something to discuss now, not after the home is built. But I don't know how much commitment has been made to it all. 

[PeterPan]

Zooming to the end here, but I don't think you need a med to tell you to do what your gut is already telling you to do. You clearly don't want to live beside your mom and watch her fall apart, don't want your kids to see that, and don't want to live so far out. 

I'm all for anxiety meds when you need them, but it sounds like you need a sit down with your dh where you two hash this out and update the plan now that you have new information. You have zero responsibility to watch your mom waste her life with a bottle. You should go back where your life was, buy a house that is already built, get out of the camper ASAP, and be sane.

Just because something *was* the plan doesn't mean it needs to *stay* the plan. Things change.

[MercyA]

11 hours ago, LVG said:

I have an intense fear that I have some kind of medical issue (hypochondria aka health anxiety).  My doctor assures me I do not, and it’s just anxiety.  I believe her, but for whatever reason my mind just constantly things about the “what if’s”…like what if it’s not just anxiety, what if I do have something scary.  My symptoms are very consistent with anxiety, and I know that the likely hood of it being something else is low, especially with how healthy of a lifestyle I have (mainly due to my fears of developing something from an unhealthy lifestyle).  Anytime I get any sort of twinge, tingling, etc, I immediately start to think “what if”, and I feel short of breath, my stomach gets upset, and I can barely make myself do whatever needs to be done around the house because I’m so anxious.

You've received so much good advice and input already, and I've no doubt that much of your anxiety is situational. However, these symptoms are classic OCD. 

Taking an SSRI for my OCD changed my life (and my family's lives), much for the better! I take Luvox / fluvoxamine, which is specifically indicated for OCD. It has also helped mellow me in general. 🙂 Mine is prescribed by my GP. It's no different than a diabetic taking insulin and there is no shame in it. It might be worth considering.

[Catwoman]

19 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Zooming to the end here, but I don't think you need a med to tell you to do what your gut is already telling you to do. You clearly don't want to live beside your mom and watch her fall apart, don't want your kids to see that, and don't want to live so far out. 

I'm all for anxiety meds when you need them, but it sounds like you need a sit down with your dh where you two hash this out and update the plan now that you have new information. You have zero responsibility to watch your mom waste her life with a bottle. You should go back where your life was, buy a house that is already built, get out of the camper ASAP, and be sane.

Just because something *was* the plan doesn't mean it needs to *stay* the plan. Things change.

I think you are being a little harsh on her mom.

Her mom is facing the inevitable death of the husband she loves, so even if her coping mechanism isn’t exactly ideal, I don’t think it’s appropriate to say she’s wasting her life with a bottle. Sure, she is drinking too much beer, but we don’t know that she is unable to stop. We know she stopped once for a week and then started again, but is that addiction or boredom talking? I don’t think we can say for sure, because we don’t know her.

And again, the mom is going through a terrible time right now, so I don’t think it would be right for the OP to move away and leave her with no help or support at this difficult time. I would definitely encourage her to try to get her mom to cut back on the beer, but I don’t think a few beers a night would be so awful. 

I just keep thinking of this woman and feeling awful for her. She is my age and her dh has an illness that will kill him. I’m sure she never anticipated anything like that. I’m sure she pictured the two of them growing old together, and now those dreams are gone. So maybe I’m giving her too much sympathy and grace, but I know what it’s like to fear that my own dh was going to die, and it was awful, so I am trying not to judge her too harshly. 

 

Edited July 1, 2021 by Catwoman
I only found a few typos. Improvement!!!

[heartlikealion]

18 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Zooming to the end here, but I don't think you need a med to tell you to do what your gut is already telling you to do. You clearly don't want to live beside your mom and watch her fall apart, don't want your kids to see that, and don't want to live so far out. 

I'm all for anxiety meds when you need them, but it sounds like you need a sit down with your dh where you two hash this out and update the plan now that you have new information. You have zero responsibility to watch your mom waste her life with a bottle. You should go back where your life was, buy a house that is already built, get out of the camper ASAP, and be sane.

Just because something *was* the plan doesn't mean it needs to *stay* the plan. Things change.

Love this 

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

I think you are being a little harsh on her mom.

Her mom is facing the inevitable death of the husband she loves, so even if her coping mechanism isn’t exactly ideal, I don’t think it’s appropriate to say she’s wasting her life with a bottle. Sure, she is drinking too much beer, but we don’t know that she is unable to stop. We know she stopped once for a week and then started again, but is that addiction or boredom talking? I don’t think we can say for sure, because we don’t know her.

And again, the mom is going through a terrible time right now, so I don’t think it would be right for the OP to move away and leave her with no help or support. I would definitely encourage her to try to get her mom to cut back on the beer, but I don’t think a few beers a night would be so awful. 

I just keep thinking of this woman and feeling awful for her. She is my age and her dh has an illness that will kill him. I’m sure she never anticipated anything like that. I’m sure she pictured the two of them growing old together, and now those dreams are gone. So maybe I’m giving her too much sympathy and grace, but I know what it’s like to fear that my own dh was going to die, and it was awful, so I am trying not to judge her too harshly. 

Good point, too. 
 

I think it might be good if the OP could make it a point to visit periodically, perhaps without the children, and then arrange other visits with the children where the mom had a heads up and so maybe won’t have any beer visible/time to prepare for company. I’m not sure if the current visits are planned or spontaneous. Maybe a home mid-distance from the mom and co-op. 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Good point, too. 
 

I think it might be good if the OP could make it a point to visit periodically, perhaps without the children, and then arrange other visits with the children where the mom had a heads up and so maybe won’t have any beer visible/time to prepare for company. I’m not sure if the current visits are planned or spontaneous. Maybe a home mid-distance from the mom and co-op. 

I think she lives in a trailer on her mom’s property. She spends time with her mom every night.

I do think she should choose a more conveniently located home when it’s time to move out of the trailer. I don’t think building a house by her mom is going to be good for her family in the long run. 

Edited July 1, 2021 by Catwoman
Forgot something!

[Jean in Newcastle]

8 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I think you are being a little harsh on her mom.

Her mom is facing the inevitable death of the husband she loves, so even if her coping mechanism isn’t exactly ideal, I don’t think it’s appropriate to say she’s wasting her life with a bottle. Sure, she is drinking too much beer, but we don’t know that she is unable to stop. We know she stopped once for a week and then started again, but is that addiction or boredom talking? I don’t think we can say for sure, because we don’t know her.

And again, the mom is going through a terrible time right now, so I don’t think it would be right for the OP to move away and leave her with no help or support at this difficult time. I would definitely encourage her to try to get her mom to cut back on the beer, but I don’t think a few beers a night would be so awful. 

I just keep thinking of this woman and feeling awful for her. She is my age and her dh has an illness that will kill him. I’m sure she never anticipated anything like that. I’m sure she pictured the two of them growing old together, and now those dreams are gone. So maybe I’m giving her too much sympathy and grace, but I know what it’s like to fear that my own dh was going to die, and it was awful, so I am trying not to judge her too harshly. 

 

Heavy drinking is defined as having more than 8 alcoholics drinks a WEEK. She has five a night. Recognizing that she has a problem with alcohol is not judging. It’s reality. And it’s necessary to see this for what it is. 
 

OP-  AA has good programs for family members too even if the person with an alcohol problem won’t go. 

[TravelingChris]

11 hours ago, freesia said:

I agree with all of this. 

I agree with it too/