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1 minute ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Heavy drinking is defined as having more than 8 alcoholics drinks a WEEK. She has five a night. Recognizing that she has a problem with alcohol is not judging. It’s reality. And it’s necessary to see this for what it is. 
 

OP-  AA has good programs for family members too even if the person with an alcohol problem won’t go. 

Sure Jean, I know that’s the definition. I also know that many people drink that often every week and they don’t have a drinking problem.

My point was that this poor woman is going through a very rough time, and suggesting that the OP should abandon her because  she is “wasting her life in a bottle” seemed pretty heartless to me. She’s not drinking entire bottles of Jack Daniels every night.

Of course I would like to see the woman cut back on the beer, because I don’t think it’s healthy for her, but if she cuts back to a beer or two a night and never progresses to anything harder than that, I don’t think it’s a big deal, and I don’t see a need to rush her into treatment for alcoholism. Many people have a few (or more than a few) glasses of wine every night at dinner, and no one bats an eye at it. 

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Thank you all for your wonderful responses!  You have really given me some things to think about!  This time to live in the camper on her property was also for us to determine if we may want to build there.  It’s something we have always talked about, and I think it’s something we would have always wondered about had we not given it a try.  As many of you stated, clearly my body is responding to the red flags I’ve had in the back of my mind this whole time.  I love my mom, and I am praying hard for her.  I talked to her this evening about halting the plans to do any further clearing or anything to prepare the land, and she was so supportive and understanding.  I did not discuss the drinking, but I do plan to gently talk to her about my concerns for her well being at some point.  Thank you all so much!  I’m really glad I posted about this.  

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1 minute ago, LVG said:

Thank you all for your wonderful responses!  You have really given me some things to think about!  This time to live in the camper on her property was also for us to determine if we may want to build there.  It’s something we have always talked about, and I think it’s something we would have always wondered about had we not given it a try.  As many of you stated, clearly my body is responding to the red flags I’ve had in the back of my mind this whole time.  I love my mom, and I am praying hard for her.  I talked to her this evening about halting the plans to do any further clearing or anything to prepare the land, and she was so supportive and understanding.  I did not discuss the drinking, but I do plan to gently talk to her about my concerns for her well being at some point.  Thank you all so much!  I’m really glad I posted about this.  

I’m so glad to hear that you talked to her and that everything went so well!!! YAY!!!

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8 hours ago, LVG said:

... we felt that building here would be the best financial decision.  

In addition to all the other issues being discussed, I just wanted to add that sinking all your money into a house that you literally cannot sell as long as your mother is alive would be a terrible financial decision. The fact that it may be your cheapest option doesn't mean it's the best option. Your equity could be tied up for another 20 or 30 years, with no way to move unless you were willing to just walk away from the house with nothing — and in that case you'd have been better off just renting in town, so at least you and your husband (and future teens) wouldn't be spending hours in the car every day. I think you should just cross that option off your list entirely, because it really doesn't make sense on any level, including financially. Stick with the camper for as long as you can stand it, save as much money as possible, and then look at your options closer to town.

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I agree so much with everyone else that the anxiety you’re feeling could be a response to red flags. 

I’m just going to throw this out there, though, for you or anyone else who is reading this:

I have a friend who had Covid and he is now suffering constantly from anxiety. He wakes up in the middle of the night, every night, with anxiety attacks. Heightened anxiety is a known side-effect of Long Covid. If you haven’t felt such levels of anxiety in the past, and if you had Covid, you could be experiencing a Long Covid side effect. 

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2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Heavy drinking is defined as having more than 8 alcoholics drinks a WEEK. She has five a night. Recognizing that she has a problem with alcohol is not judging. It’s reality. And it’s necessary to see this for what it is. 

And not only that, but the op has to be honest with herself about her own feelings. There are things that are not her job and she has to be really objective about that. 

I guess I'm colored because I have a challenging situation as my dad declines. It's easy to feel guilty about things I can't change, and I have to talk very straight to myself about that and be very honest. Some things are my responsibility to my parent and some things are not. I have to make sure he has a roof over his head, food, care. I do not have to be his emotional support animal (sorry) or be his reason to wake up each day or lose my ability to care for my family or be unwell in some kind of self imposed guilt over things I can't make better. 

Hard things are hard things, and it's not healthy to lose your sense of what your responsibilities are and what they aren't. And it seemed to me in op's post that the internal angst was over the discrepancy between what she knows and what she thinks her choices are. So to feel buckled in like you have no choice is not good. You have the choice to stop the crazy, ask what you responsibility really is, and reassess what the good path is. You do not have to fall into people's crazy just because they're in it. There are limits to your responsibility.

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52 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I just wanted to add that sinking all your money into a house that you literally cannot sell as long as your mother is alive would be a terrible financial decision.

Also, op will want to think about medicaid clawbacks, what of your mother's estate will be sold for her long term care, etc. It's not pleasant stuff to have to think about, but it's reality. 

2 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

I am 58 and I am not old.

Hehe, truly. But is op's mother only 57? Oh my. Well I hope she comes through this and sorts it out. I just assumed she was old enough to need care and that's why op would move there. Makes no sense to tie her mother down by building on her property in the middle of a life transition. She ought to wait 1-2 years after the demise of her spouse before making any life altering decisions. I think they usually have timelines they say. I'm just saying from watching my inlaws pass, this is not the right time to be making major decisions. Now people may want a *change* but I guess that's the point. She could decide she wants some kind of change after her husband passes and she'd feel obligated to stay put because the kids were building. 

2 hours ago, LVG said:

I did not discuss the drinking, but I do plan to gently talk to her about my concerns for her well being at some point.

That seems wise. Do you think this has been going on a while? It doesn't seem like an amount that you just all of a sudden get to. I don't drink, but just saying. Someone here suggested asking for help from the Al-Anon for families group and that might be wise. 

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15 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

I agree with this.    I would never openly move away from activities and work.   It works ok when your kids are little and are not in a lot of things or busy.  When they are tweens and teens it is horrible.  

I completely agree. So many of our neighbors lived in the country when their kids were young, but moved right to the middle of the city when their children entered middle school. Otherwise, it’s just so much driving all of the time. It would have been extremely difficult for us to continue homeschooling when my son was a teen and we were both working had we not lived where he could walk, bike, or use public transportation for almost everything.

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13 hours ago, Catwoman said:

I think she lives in a trailer on her mom’s property. She spends time with her mom every night.

I do think she should choose a more conveniently located home when it’s time to move out of the trailer. I don’t think building a house by her mom is going to be good for her family in the long run. 

I was just wondering if the visits were arranged or spontaneous. Walking in on her and seeing the beer or calling ahead etc. I would definitely consider calling ahead of the kids were going over. Not sure grandma would clean up the beer and make sure to be sober, though. 

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I was just wondering if the visits were arranged or spontaneous. Walking in on her and seeing the beer or calling ahead etc. I would definitely consider calling ahead of the kids were going over. Not sure grandma would clean up the beer and make sure to be sober, though. 

She said her mom is not drunk.  But 5 per night is quite a bit.

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13 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Heavy drinking is defined as having more than 8 alcoholics drinks a WEEK. She has five a night. Recognizing that she has a problem with alcohol is not judging. It’s reality. And it’s necessary to see this for what it is. 
 

OP-  AA has good programs for family members too even if the person with an alcohol problem won’t go. 

Are you referring to AA’s Open Meetings?

or are you confusing AA’s open meetings with Al-Anon?

Id hate to have LVG go to a closed meeting and be embarrassed. It’s hard enough sometimes to do stuff like this.

 

 

https://alcoholicsanonymous.com/can-my-friends-and-family-come-with-me-to-aa-meetings/

Alcoholics Anonymous believes that involving your friends and family in your recovery from alcohol addiction may allow them to understand your experiences better. This may play an important role in your achieving long-term sobriety. Many partners and spouses of AA members attend meetings as regularly as their loved ones who struggle with addiction and also participate in various social activities organized by their AA groups.1

Open AA meetings are group meetings that welcome anyone interested in AA. This may include spouses, friends, relatives, doctors, researchers, therapists, and alcohol users who are not sure they have a drinking problem. Open meetings can be conducted in the form of speaker meetings or discussion meetings and usually conclude with a social period during which attendees enjoy refreshments.1,2

The only obligation asked of those who attend open AA meetings is that they do not disclose the names of AA members or anything discussed outside of meetings. Anonymity protects AA members from being identified, especially for people who are new to the program and need reassurance that their identities and personal information are kept private.2,3

Al Anon

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/

 

Our personal situations may be different, but we share as equals because of what we have in common: our lives have been affected by another person’s drinking. Al-Anon is a mutual support group.

We can find understanding and support when we share our common experience with each other. Some of us are here because a spouse or partner has struggled with alcoholism. For others, the problem drinker is a parent, child, or grandchild. Sometimes a brother, a sister, or some other friend or relative brings us to Al-Anon. Many of us have had more than one alcoholic family member or friend.

Alcoholism has similar effects on us all, even though our relationships to the alcoholic may be different. Many newcomers are most interested in hearing about situations and relationships that are similar to their own. Over time, however, we come to understand that we can benefit from hearing how the Al-Anon principles worked in many different circumstances.

 

 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I was just wondering if the visits were arranged or spontaneous. Walking in on her and seeing the beer or calling ahead etc. I would definitely consider calling ahead of the kids were going over. Not sure grandma would clean up the beer and make sure to be sober, though. 

I’m basically in her front yard, and my kids toys are in her house mainly…so there’s no real avoiding the issue.  She does not get drunk, just tolerates her alcohol well I guess.

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2 minutes ago, LVG said:

I’m basically in her front yard, and my kids toys are in her house mainly…so there’s no real avoiding the issue.  She does not get drunk, just tolerates her alcohol well I guess.

Also, this fall we will have baseball in addition to church, and I may sign my daughter up for cheering…so that should help keep us a bit more busy and not home every single night.  

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17 hours ago, MercyA said:

You've received so much good advice and input already, and I've no doubt that much of your anxiety is situational. However, these symptoms are classic OCD. 

Taking an SSRI for my OCD changed my life (and my family's lives), much for the better! I take Luvox / fluvoxamine, which is specifically indicated for OCD. It has also helped mellow me in general. 🙂 Mine is prescribed by my GP. It's no different than a diabetic taking insulin and there is no shame in it. It might be worth considering.

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Yes. I was going to say this as well. You have many legitimate reasons to be anxious. I think you are listening to your hesitations about the future, and those are the feelings that need the attention and action.

The health anxiety, though, doesn't. It's OCD in, as someone else said, the most classic sense. The best thing for that is an SSRI (and a specific kind of CBT called ERP from someone trained particularly in OCD...OCD foundation online has lists of those trained in various areas). I'd start with the medication if you can. It may help you in other ways, but it will hopefully really help the OCD. 

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It sounds like the experience of being there has taught a lot and answered a lot of questions and helped you to determine that you don’t want to build there, just like you had hoped it would, so that’s excellent!  

 

Maybe it will also help you to know if you want to be separate from your mother yet rural or if you would prefer to be in a town, suburb or city and not rural at all. 
 

And maybe you will be saving up money enough to start making such a transition .

 

 

 

On 6/30/2021 at 5:47 PM, LVG said:

Thank you all for your wonderful responses!  You have really given me some things to think about!  This time to live in the camper on her property was also for us to determine if we may want to build there.  It’s something we have always talked about, and I think it’s something we would have always wondered about had we not given it a try.
 

right, so feel happy you did give it a try and learned what you learned

discovery that it isn’t right for you is important as much as if it had turned out to seem like it would be terrific 

we have neighbors who put a temporary camper on land and lived there before building both for money reasons and to be sure they had made a choice they’d like before the big step of building. I think it’s a good idea. 
 

On 6/30/2021 at 5:47 PM, LVG said:

 As many of you stated, clearly my body is responding to the red flags I’ve had in the back of my mind this whole time.  I love my mom, and I am praying hard for her.  I talked to her this evening about halting the plans to do any further clearing or anything to prepare the land, and she was so supportive and understanding.  I did not discuss the drinking, but I do plan to gently talk to her about my concerns for her well being at some point.  Thank you all so much!  I’m really glad I posted about this.  

 

I’d look at some things like inositol, 5HTP, glycine ... Freedom Technique tapping, perhaps even EMDR, as possible aids with anxiety as you think through your next steps. And as you are talking with your mom. She may need things like that (or different if anxiety isn’t her issue) herself to more healthfully deal with her own anxieties or whatever leads her to have the beers etc pattern you describe 

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Building next to your mother is not going to do you any favors. What is best for you and your children and husband is what you should do. You won't live too far from your mom yet you'll be able to put some healthy distance in between.

Your mother quitting the beers for a whole week or so is a huge accomplishment on her part. There is a technique used to help addicts that they can do themselves called motivational interviewing which has a good track record. When they feel ambivalent -- recognizing the pros and cons of quitting -- is the time when change can occur if they are ready and willing. They can either work through their ambivalent feelings or someone else can help. Taking away autonomy, however, even if well intentioned, does not lead to long-term positive results. Allowing them to decide when they will begin to attempt to change and how they will do so is key to success. One attempt is not necessarily going to be successful, either. Your mom already did this for a week and I'd say that's a good sign. If you want to learn more about motivational interviewing, check out William Miller and Steven Rollnick to learn more. I've actually found the technique useful when dealing with my children during their teen and young adult years.

Regarding your hypochondria, another idea you could try is what Jeffrey Schwartz uses to treat his OCD patients. The goal is to change brain circuits when something triggers your reaction. It's four steps and is pretty easy to do but needs to be done as consistently as you can muster up. It's also free.

Step 1.  Relabel. Recognize when your hypochondria kicks in and note the emotion(s) you're feeling. Labeling emotions helps to manage fear and stress responses. Recognize it is a brain message/circuit.

Step 2.  Reframe. Note to yourself that your brain message/circuit are inaccurate, overreacting, deceptive messages. This separates you from the message (brain circuit).

Step 3.  Refocus on something pleasant, maybe a place you really like. Try to use the same example each time. Concentrate on this. This creates a new brain circuit which will eventually replace your old one.

Step 4.  Revalue and discard the unhealthy emotional response. Note that your hypochondria circuit kicked in and is a deceptive message/circuit and that it is not true and has little to no value. Then dismiss it.

https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/rewiring-the-brain-to-treat-ocd

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6 hours ago, BeachGal said:

Step 1.  Relabel. Recognize when your hypochondria kicks in and note the emotion(s) you're feeling. Labeling emotions helps to manage fear and stress responses. Recognize it is a brain message/circuit.

Step 2.  Reframe. Note to yourself that your brain message/circuit are inaccurate, overreacting, deceptive messages. This separates you from the message (brain circuit).

Step 3.  Refocus on something pleasant, maybe a place you really like. Try to use the same example each time. Concentrate on this. This creates a new brain circuit which will eventually replace your old one.

Step 4.  Revalue and discard the unhealthy emotional response. Note that your hypochondria circuit kicked in and is a deceptive message/circuit and that it is not true and has little to no value. Then dismiss it.

That’s so neat. Thanks for sharing.

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