Prickly friend drama

[Spryte]

I have a very close friend, my closest long-term IRL friend, who is an amazing, strong, talented, funny, kind person - and she can be prickly at times, due to life experience.  It’s not something that bothers me normally, but I definitely avoid a few topics with her because they trigger her in a bad way. I love her completely, and this is not a big deal, usually. 

Today I screwed up and brought one of the triggers up.  She got mad, I knew immediately that I had triggered her, it became dramatic, my words were twisted, and now she’s disappeared, probably feeling hurt and upset, and I’m the bad guy.

I’m so bummed.  I wish I could take it back, and just ignore the topic. It certainly wasn’t intentional, or meant the way she thinks. But I can’t take it back. I have apologized, and tried to fix the situation, but everything just makes it worse. I almost think Covid has me out of practice, you know?  Ugh.

It’s a tough time for me right now, medically, and I just don’t have the bandwidth to remember the boundaries other people need to feel safe.  I’m kicking myself.  And I can’t fix it.

Plus, I feel very vulnerable right now because of the medical stuff, so that’s making it worse. The medical stuff is stressing her out, too, and I know she can’t really talk about it.

If you have a prickly friend like this, and stepped in it with her, what would you do?  I’m terrible at ignoring elephants in the room, and tend to want to resolve things ASAP, so just sitting on silence makes me feel very unsettled.

 

[mommyoffive]

I think I would email or call and explain what you did to us.  That because of your medical issues and stress right now you forgot about the boundary that she has with X.  Tell her you are sorry and that you hopes she can forgive you for it.  I am sorry this issue came up for both of you.  I think everyone has been through so much in the last year that we have new triggers, high stress, short fuses, and are just kind of used to life being so dramatic and hard that we are all so raw.  I think you need to give that grace to yourself too.  You didn't do this out of some evil part of your heart.  You are going through a lot right now too and you made a mistake.  We are all human.  

Sending you some hugs and prayers for all that is going on right now. 

[regentrude]

I have a friend with whom conversations can be exhausting because I need to be walking on eggshells. Her reactions to some comments that I would consider perfectly normal conversation appears completely out of proportion, and she gets extremely defensive when she perceives a comment to be a criticism or attack.
The way I am handling is is to apologize once when I set her off, and then leave it be. I remind myself that this constant being on guard and feeling attacked is hypervigilance she has developed to cope with her past trauma and mental health issues.
I treat her with kindness and try to avoid anything that could put her into this mode; however, ultimately an adult has to take care of their own mental health and cannot expect their friends to tiptoe around them. They need to realize that the friend has inadvertenly touched on something they are sensitive to and did not intend harm, and they need to come to terms with it.

 

[AmandaVT]

I have a friend who can be like this. Honestly? You've apologized and you didn't upset her intentionally. I'd let her figure out that you're a good friend and she overreacted. It's hard though and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it!

Edited to add that @regentrude worded what I was going for better than me, so I'll just say ditto!

 

Edited May 17, 2021 by AmandaVT

[Catwoman]

9 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

I think I would email or call and explain what you did to us.  That because of your medical issues and stress right now you forgot about the boundary that she has with X.  Tell her you are sorry and that you hopes she can forgive you for it.  I am sorry this issue came up for both of you.  I think everyone has been through so much in the last year that we have new triggers, high stress, short fuses, and are just kind of used to life being so dramatic and hard that we are all so raw.  I think you need to give that grace to yourself too.  You didn't do this out of some evil part of your heart.  You are going through a lot right now too and you made a mistake.  We are all human.  

Sending you some hugs and prayers for all that is going on right now. 

I agree with this — but you said you have already apologized, so if you have already told her the things mommyoffive suggested, I don’t think there is much more you need to do right now.

Ok, there is one thing you need to do right now, and that is to stop blaming yourself. We all say stupid things sometimes, but as regentrude said, we can’t be expected to walk on eggshells all the time, either. If your friend is a true friend, she will realize that you didn’t mean to upset her — and if she doesn’t realize that and she continues to be angry and upset with you, even after you apologized... maybe she’s not such a great friend.

The street goes both ways. Don’t hyperfocus on your own behavior and forget that your friend has a responsibility to the relationship, too. Had you been the one in her position, would you have forgiven her for saying something that was similarly triggering to you? Friends make mistakes. Friends also forgive each other for those mistakes. 

Seriously, lighten up on yourself!!!

[SKL]

I would apologize again, let her know you understand her feelings, AND promise her that you're going to do better henceforth.

Then give it a little bit of time before you broach a safe subject.  Like ... say, what does your dd want for her birthday?  Give it time before you get back into the difficult topics.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would give it time.  She might need time to process her emotions.  Or to just get herself under control again.  You've apologized.  You really can't do more. 

[fraidycat]

You're not the bad guy. You made a mistake and all you can do is apologize. If you have done that, then you have taken care of your responsibility to the relationship. The elephant is out of your room and now in hers. It is up to her whether she chooses to keep it or set it free.

Hugs! I hope your medical issues are resolved quickly.

[HS Mom in NC]

Please don't apologize or explain further.  This is a grown woman.  Grown women should be capable of changing the subject if someone brings up a difficult topic in front of them. Grown women don't need someone to protect them from their big feelings.  Stop enabling her. It's not like you intentionally bring up topics difficult for her to stir the pot, so there's no need for an apology. 

As a society and parents we really need to do a better job of raising children.  We need to tell them that they never have to engage in a social conversation they don't want to engage in and we should be giving them examples of how to change the topic so they're prepared for adulthood at 18.  There are so many things they can say matter of factly or pleasantly instead of trantruming:

That's not a topic I discuss, let's talk about __________________ instead.
Well, I'd rather not get into it.
Next topic, please.
Don't get me started!

[Spryte]

38 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I have a friend with whom conversations can be exhausting because I need to be walking on eggshells. Her reactions to some comments that I would consider perfectly normal conversation appears completely out of proportion, and she gets extremely defensive when she perceives a comment to be a criticism or attack.
The way I am handling is is to apologize once when I set her off, and then leave it be. I remind myself that this constant being on guard and feeling attacked is hypervigilance she has developed to cope with her past trauma and mental health issues.
I treat her with kindness and try to avoid anything that could put her into this mode; however, ultimately an adult has to take care of their own mental health and cannot expect their friends to tiptoe around them. They need to realize that the friend has inadvertenly touched on something they are sensitive to and did not intend harm, and they need to come to terms with it.

 

Oh, I think we know some of the same people. It is hypervigilance, and a coping mechanism, and I completely understand - usually it’s all absolutely fine, I just never talk about X or Y.  

Sigh. I’m so clued in right now to other topics people are thorny about (I don’t, ever, discuss politics, masks, vaccines etc IRL, I get that all out here, LOL) but you’d think I could remember that my friend also can’t talk about [insert seemingly completely random topic, but I understand totally why it’s a trigger]?? I really feel like a heel.  

I’m trying to recall how I handled this in the past.  Maybe a text joke and a coffee invite?  Or just proceeding as normal with other on-going conversations?  I’m soooo out of practice now.

Reading all of the replies, and grateful for each.  Thanks.

ETA: I have apologized and clarified (briefly).  Too many words might make things worse, so I mostly just apologized and tried to move on.  I know I have a tendency to beat a dead horse (ahem, as you all may know, possibly), so trying to spare her some pain by not doing that.  
 

 

Edited May 17, 2021 by Spryte

[Jenny in Florida]

Sigh.

I have a family member who has reacted this way, too. Over the years, I've gotten somewhat better about recognizing and avoiding conversational triggers. Unfortunately, this means that all of our communications -- at least from my end -- have become somewhat stilted because I am constantly on guard. 

The sad truth in my situation is that apologizing has never done anything to speed up reconciliation. Once this person is triggered, they are unable to hear anything I might say to try and explain anything or resolve the situation until their internal storm subsides. The only thing I can do after apologizing is sit back and wait until they are ready to come to me. 

Although it makes me sad, in some ways understanding this pattern makes things a little easier, because I recognize it is fruitless to devote energy to figuring out a way to undo the mistake or fix the problem. I can (and do) apologize sincerely, then wait.

[Katy]

I have a family member who is usually loving and wonderful, but sometimes acts exactly like a person with BPD.  When she goes crazy and insists I walk on eggshells I do this.

1. Slow Blink three times.  It takes a moment to comprehend her feelings because they are so out of left field.
2. Apologize for the way my comments or actions made her feel.  I love her and would never want her to feel that way.
3. Explain reality.  While she was feeling X this is how I was perceiving things.
4. Apologize again for her feelings while insisting reality is reality. I'm not going to walk on eggshells for her, although I won't necessarily say those words out loud.

I've walked her back from the edge of mental illness with this.  I've also had a period where I had to cut her out of my life for more than a year because she was crazy and refuses to take responsibility for her own actions, ever.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Katy

[Indigo Blue]

Sprite, you sound so understanding and empathic. How lucky she is to have you for a friend. I hope she can eventually realize that she is fortunate and learns to work on her responses. I struggle with this sometimes, too. I don’t lash out, though. I hold it in and feel just awful inside if I have caused someone to have a prickly reaction to ME. Like it’s my fault, and if I weren’t letting that “dumb” part of me out to show to people, it wouldn’t happen. If I weren’t being  “that self” that was made to feel a certain way..... wasn’t being normal enough... masking enough, whatever. Goodness knows I have enough life experience to explain it.
 

That’s why I’m so impressed that you are handling it the way you are. Your insight is spot on. 

If I were in your friends shoes, your response would be like a calming balm and I would quickly learn that I could feel safe with you. If only your friend could see this. But, we’ve all had different experiences, so the prickly responses may be understandable, although that doesn’t mean they are justified. In the best scenario, she would find a way to see this. And, again, to realize she has a very understanding friend.

So, I’m not helping you much. Just really impressed.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Indigo Blue

[mlktwins]

Hey there :-).  You have apologized and explained....and you didn't mean to trigger her.  I would let it go for now!

Getting to know you over the past year, even though only virtually, I believe you are the sweetest, most caring person I have ever met!  And...to be there so much for someone, even though only virtually for now 💗, when you are going through so much in your own life, has been such a priceless gift to me!

I know you want to fix it right away, but just give her some space and time.  I don't think you have a mean bone in your body and she is very blessed to have you as such a wonderful friend.  She will come around. 

You are one of the best things to happen to me during this pandemic.  Remember that :-).  And...I'm not prickly so please don't ever feel you have to walk on eggshells with me 😊!!!   

Big hugs!!!

 

 

[Melissa Louise]

I'm your friend (metaphorically, in that I'm very easily triggered on a few issues, though IRL my reactions are internal) and I can categorically state it's her, not you. She needed the emotional regulation skills to not get sucked into a hot topic, regardless of whether you raised it. 

It's hard. But it's her job to manage. And she pretty much sucked at her part of the friendship today and you got the backwash. And that's not fair on you.

Let it go for now. 

[Spryte]

Thanks, all.  I’m making dinner and processing it all, but just reading your responses made me feel less awful.  
 

 

[wintermom]

It sounds like you are used to being the one who makes allowances in this friendship over the years. Different types of friends can be great, and they give us different things. Now, when you could use a friend who can support you in your need, perhaps you realize that she cannot or will not fill this role. For your own sake, you may be better off to step back a little from this little drama, and turn to other people who can be there for you. 

I'm sorry that you are feeling fragile for other reasons, and that this relationship added to your stress rather then help relieve it. 

[Indigo Blue]

@regentrudeYour post is great, too.......a lot of kindness and understanding 

 

[ktgrok]

If you apologized, I'd give her a little space and time to calm down. She may logically know you didn't mean it, and even in her head accept your apology, but her stress hormones may be too high for her to say that or be in conversation about it right now. I think of people like that as cats - if a cat gets into fight or flight mode the stress hormones remain in the body for a good 48 hours. Even approaching in a friendly manner in that time frame can result in aggressive behavior by the cat. 

So, give her time for her biochemistry to settle. Then in a few days, send an email or text saying you are thinking of her, you are sorry, and to let you know if and when she's ready to get together. That way she doesn't go the other extreme, feel embarrassed by her reaction, think you are angry, and not contact you. 

[Faith-manor]

I think you just let it go. The ball is in her court. You apologized and tried to make it right and she was not accepting.

She may come around, she may not. Gently, the one person IRL that I had this trouble with I eventually moved from friend to casual acquaintance and did not socialize with anymore. It was sad. But I found that over time spending time with her when I was always on eggshells and worried about setting her off made me upset and really tense which I then had to deal with and make sure I didn't convey that tension at home. She lived close to us, and wanted to be around me a lot so it was a bit tough to step back. However, it was important. I think maybe she has formed new friendships.

Edited May 18, 2021 by Faith-manor

[Farrar]

I don't know how you left it exactly, but once you've given it some time so she can process, I have found that many of my prickly relationship people seem... relieved to have me reach back out as if nothing happened. Like, yeah, it's awkward that this happened and she was weird at you, but you understand, you apologized for triggering her, and you seem like you have the grace not to demand this this get "worked out" or that she apologize too. You're happy to just move on. My guess is that if you contact her after a little time with the sort of interaction that you usually have - "hey, I'm your way tomorrow, want to have coffee?" or "ooh, I thought of you when I saw this..." or whatever you usually do without bringing up the drama - she may happily seize on the opportunity to brush it all aside.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Please don't apologize or explain further.  This is a grown woman.  Grown women should be capable of changing the subject if someone brings up a difficult topic in front of them. Grown women don't need someone to protect them from their big feelings.  Stop enabling her. It's not like you intentionally bring up topics difficult for her to stir the pot, so there's no need for an apology. 

As a society and parents we really need to do a better job of raising children.  We need to tell them that they never have to engage in a social conversation they don't want to engage in and we should be giving them examples of how to change the topic so they're prepared for adulthood at 18.  There are so many things they can say matter of factly or pleasantly instead of trantruming:

That's not a topic I discuss, let's talk about __________________ instead.
Well, I'd rather not get into it.
Next topic, please.
Don't get me started!

That’s really good advice. I didn’t really know how to do this until well into my forties and sometimes I still don’t manage. 

I now most often say, “I don’t think we want to go there.” Or “I don’t think that will be a productive conversation for us.” 

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, ktgrok said:

If you apologized, I'd give her a little space and time to calm down. She may logically know you didn't mean it, and even in her head accept your apology, but her stress hormones may be too high for her to say that or be in conversation about it right now. I think of people like that as cats - if a cat gets into fight or flight mode the stress hormones remain in the body for a good 48 hours. Even approaching in a friendly manner in that time frame can result in aggressive behavior by the cat. 

So, give her time for her biochemistry to settle. Then in a few days, send an email or text saying you are thinking of her, you are sorry, and to let you know if and when she's ready to get together. That way she doesn't go the other extreme, feel embarrassed by her reaction, think you are angry, and not contact you. 

This is a great post. 

Because when you get triggered, it's a biochemical reaction that bypasses your prefrontal cortex. It's exactly like suddenly transforming into a arched, spitting, striking cat. Because accidentally, you're suddenly back in a fear place. 

Hoo boy, it takes a lot of skill and practice to come back from that. Which is why it's super important to learn to walk away from triggers, before turning into a scared, raging cat. 

My experience is that I poke at unresolved triggers, trying to amplify  so I can get the fear reaction over with. Which is not helpful. People like me need to be working with someone who can provide space to explore/experience the trigger. We need that need met elsewhere, and then we make better friends. 

[KungFuPanda]

7 hours ago, Spryte said:

I have a very close friend, my closest long-term IRL friend, who is an amazing, strong, talented, funny, kind person - and she can be prickly at times, due to life experience.  It’s not something that bothers me normally, but I definitely avoid a few topics with her because they trigger her in a bad way. I love her completely, and this is not a big deal, usually. 

Today I screwed up and brought one of the triggers up.  She got mad, I knew immediately that I had triggered her, it became dramatic, my words were twisted, and now she’s disappeared, probably feeling hurt and upset, and I’m the bad guy.

I’m so bummed.  I wish I could take it back, and just ignore the topic. It certainly wasn’t intentional, or meant the way she thinks. But I can’t take it back. I have apologized, and tried to fix the situation, but everything just makes it worse. I almost think Covid has me out of practice, you know?  Ugh.

It’s a tough time for me right now, medically, and I just don’t have the bandwidth to remember the boundaries other people need to feel safe.  I’m kicking myself.  And I can’t fix it.

Plus, I feel very vulnerable right now because of the medical stuff, so that’s making it worse. The medical stuff is stressing her out, too, and I know she can’t really talk about it.

If you have a prickly friend like this, and stepped in it with her, what would you do?  I’m terrible at ignoring elephants in the room, and tend to want to resolve things ASAP, so just sitting on silence makes me feel very unsettled.

 

I'd find a way to work out my unsettled feelings myself without involving my friend.  It's never a good idea to pick at someone else's scabs.  You're in a 'situation' because you ignored a clear boundary.  You won't fix it by continuing to blow through your friend's boundaries.

[Spryte]

9 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I'd find a way to work out my unsettled feelings myself without involving my friend.  It's never a good idea to pick at someone else's scabs.  You're in a 'situation' because you ignored a clear boundary.  You won't fix it by continuing to blow through your friend's boundaries.

Oh yes.  I agree.  

I’ve been thinking back to how I handled this in the past, and what I think is that I’d wait a few days and then we would just sort of resume as if it had not happened. It’s been years and years since we’ve had something like this come up.  I feel so terrible about it, triggering her is never what I’d want to do.  I absolutely know that continuing a conversation about it will only prolong her pain, and since I’ve apologized and I hope/think she knows it wasn’t intentionally hurtful... I’m going to let it be and process my own feelings about it alone, with DH, and here.

I know I’ve been fairly vague about what I said that triggered her.  It’s not something obvious or a common trigger, just a random, pretty normal part of conversation, one of those things people fairly commonly might mention to each other. It’s sort of along the lines of saying, “I saw a red car at a stop light today,” to a person who knows they have an irrational fear of red cars and stop lights.  I mean, even she knows she reacts this way, it’s not intentional on her part either.  To most people it would be just a part of normal conversation, but to my friend it would trigger that fight or flight mode in an instant.  I get it, there’s history.  I feel crummy for having not found a more round-about way of saying what I wanted to say.  Like, I could have said, “I saw another car when I was driving to the store,” and it would have conveyed the same point but not hit the notes that set her hair on fire. I get it.  And I feel really bad because I, of all people, know about this particular trigger. 

I think the mental image of a cat is most appropriate, and I’m going to give it time for all that biochemistry to calm down.  And mine, too, I’ve been so sad and upset about this today. Lots of kicking myself for sending her into a tailspin.

Hopefully in a couple days, all will be well. 

 

 

 

 

[Jaybee]

I'm sorry you are having this on your plate at a time when you are so vulnerable yourself with all that is going on (and I hope your health issues clear up soon!). I have a couple of situations that were similar. I had two friends, several years apart, that I cared for deeply. However, there was something they both had in common, and that was that both of them would share with me about how this person or that person had hurt them or failed them. I had the niggling thought that while I was currently in favor, one day I would be that person that had failed them. They both had very high expectations of friendships, and eventually, because we are human, we all would fail them. And sure enough, it eventually happened with both of them. 

(Probably too much detail to follow.) It was extremely painful to me with the second one. We had a friendship that spanned years and lots and lots of memories and challenging life circumstances. As the years went on, I heard many stories of how others had treated them. I knew many of these others, and often really liked them. I didn't see the same characteristics that my friend saw, or at least I didn't interpret them in the same way. Eventually, at a time when I needed a friend badly, she became upset with me over how I handled a mutual very challenging situation. At the same time, I felt I had handled it the best I knew how, and had spent much time and prayer in it. We were separated by a lot of distance when the biggest last blows fell. I spent hours over several days writing and rewriting an email apologizing (but carefully, because like I said, it was a challenging situation to begin with), and also had dh read it to make sure it was okay to send. I sent it, and got the most devastating email back. She had misunderstood/misinterpreted almost everything I had said, referred back to other expectations I had failed to meet, and blasted me to smithereens with things that she knew would hurt me deeply. I cried and cried over it, because this was a severe loss to me. (She then changed her email address, and we had no contact for years.)

I told a counselor a few months later that it almost felt like a divorce. One that I did not want, yet when it happened, I had a certain amount of relief at the same time because there were some unhealthy dynamics in the relationship that I wouldn't have broken the friendship over. This friend had a very strong personality, and I often felt that after initially expressing my thoughts or feelings about something, that she would try to convince me to feel the same way she did. I found that exhausting, and In order to hold onto my own self, I would just seem to go along and would keep my thoughts to myself. (I can be a really good internal rebel, lol.) I felt she tried to make me into who she wanted me to be, rather than accepting our differences and valuing me anyway. I felt that the loyalty she demanded was not fair, because it was one-sided. I was not an extension of her and her views/opinions. Yet, she saw me through some tough times, made me laugh, and I still remember encouraging words she shared with me at one time or another. Since those days, at her initiation, we have seen each other 2-3 times. We live far away from each other, so it isn't something that can happen naturally. She gave me a long phone call a year or so ago. It is always good to catch up with her, but I'm quite guarded. 

Whew, so after all that therapeutic talk (sorry about that--I had to think it out), I just want to say that you are a good friend @Spryte. You are kind and thoughtful, and we all say things sometimes that are hurtful to others, even to our spouses and children whom we love most of all. Being careful with one another is important. But so is forgiveness. Any healthy relationship has mutual respect, giving one another the benefit of the doubt, forgiveness for mistakes, and mutual support through hard times. I hope this friendship doesn't end up the way of mine. But sometimes prickly friends want things too much one-sided. While that may work okay for a casual friendship, it isn't healthy for a deep one. Apologizing is a kind thing to do. Enabling prickliness by going overboard with it is not a kind thing, for either you or her. Hugs to you.

[annandatje]

Prickly friends tend to remain prickly throughout their lives.  Perhaps you can discuss only neutral topics such was weather, pets, hobbies, etc.  Personally I have distanced myself from such people because I eventually grew weary of having to tiptoe and apologize for truly innocent comments that they misinterpreted even after explanation.  Additionally I felt I was being manipulated in effort to make me grovel after genuine apology.  Fortunately there have only been few people in my life with these qualities.

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, annandatje said:

Prickly friends tend to remain prickly throughout their lives.  Perhaps you can discuss only neutral topics such was weather, pets, hobbies, etc.  Personally I have distanced myself from such people because I eventually grew weary of having to tiptoe and apologize for truly innocent comments that they misinterpreted even after explanation.  Additionally I felt I was being manipulated in effort to make me grovel after genuine apology.  Fortunately there have only been few people in my life with these qualities.

Yes, some people are that way, and it’s best to avoid them.  You’re smart to distance them!

This friend is not *that* prickly though, not to that level, and she’s well worth her level of prickliness.  It’s kind of a weird conversation without context, so it may sound worse than it is.  She tolerates my own faults as well, and normally I’d say we offset each other well.  I really did step in it yesterday, though, and inadvertently poked an unhealed wound.  It was not intentional, but I can tell her feelings are hurt.  

Edited May 18, 2021 by Spryte

[Catwoman]

Have you decided what you’re going to do, Spryte? I hope you can work this out with your friend, so you will be able to stop thinking about it!

[BlsdMama]

22 hours ago, Spryte said:

I have a very close friend, my closest long-term IRL friend, who is an amazing, strong, talented, funny, kind person - and she can be prickly at times, due to life experience.  It’s not something that bothers me normally, but I definitely avoid a few topics with her because they trigger her in a bad way. I love her completely, and this is not a big deal, usually. 

Today I screwed up and brought one of the triggers up.  She got mad, I knew immediately that I had triggered her, it became dramatic, my words were twisted, and now she’s disappeared, probably feeling hurt and upset, and I’m the bad guy.

I’m so bummed.  I wish I could take it back, and just ignore the topic. It certainly wasn’t intentional, or meant the way she thinks. But I can’t take it back. I have apologized, and tried to fix the situation, but everything just makes it worse. I almost think Covid has me out of practice, you know?  Ugh.

It’s a tough time for me right now, medically, and I just don’t have the bandwidth to remember the boundaries other people need to feel safe.  I’m kicking myself.  And I can’t fix it.

Plus, I feel very vulnerable right now because of the medical stuff, so that’s making it worse. The medical stuff is stressing her out, too, and I know she can’t really talk about it.

If you have a prickly friend like this, and stepped in it with her, what would you do?  I’m terrible at ignoring elephants in the room, and tend to want to resolve things ASAP, so just sitting on silence makes me feel very unsettled.

 

Generally speaking, it’s good to let hot heads cool. Then I’d send an email so she can think on it and choose to craft a reply. 
 

The fact is, once she decides she doesn’t want to let this go, the ball is in her court, her behavior and words are hers to own. After you’ve drafted an email (and edited, sat on it for a day, and edited again before sending) this is all you can do, and for the sake of either anxiety or upset, must let it go. 

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Have you decided what you’re going to do, Spryte? I hope you can work this out with your friend, so you will be able to stop thinking about it!

Yes, thanks.  I’m going to let it sit a few days, and then reach out with something that feels normal (a joke? a coffee invite since we are both vaxxed? something like that).  I’m not sure if I will bring it up again, or just maybe try to move on and then, if it makes sense, apologize again in person.  Depending on how it feels.  Honestly, for her mental health, it might be best if I just completely let it go, so I’ll have to try to decide as we go.  It’s hard for me not to text with another apology, or just to check and see if she’s ok, because that would be my normal thing.  But I’m biting my tongue (fingers!) and giving it time.
 

 

[Catwoman]

16 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Yes, thanks.  I’m going to let it sit a few days, and then reach out with something that feels normal (a joke? a coffee invite since we are both vaxxed? something like that).  I’m not sure if I will bring it up again, or just maybe try to move on and then, if it makes sense, apologize again in person.  Depending on how it feels.  Honestly, for her mental health, it might be best if I just completely let it go, so I’ll have to try to decide as we go.  It’s hard for me not to text with another apology, or just to check and see if she’s ok, because that would be my normal thing.  But I’m biting my tongue (fingers!) and giving it time.
 

 

I like the idea of just acting normal, and only talking about it if she brings it up first. 

She might be feeling awkward about what happened, and she might be waiting to hear from you -- but I think you're right to wait a few days to let things cool off, and then inviting her for coffee or something.

[Jean in Newcastle]

11 hours ago, Spryte said:

Yes, thanks.  I’m going to let it sit a few days, and then reach out with something that feels normal (a joke? a coffee invite since we are both vaxxed? something like that).  I’m not sure if I will bring it up again, or just maybe try to move on and then, if it makes sense, apologize again in person.  Depending on how it feels.  Honestly, for her mental health, it might be best if I just completely let it go, so I’ll have to try to decide as we go.  It’s hard for me not to text with another apology, or just to check and see if she’s ok, because that would be my normal thing.  But I’m biting my tongue (fingers!) and giving it time.
 

 

I don't see how you can bring it up again without bringing up the trigger again.  I would let it go.  You aren't going to help her by bringing it up.