The thread where I gripe about my parents and Covid.

[Moonhawk]

My parents have been in the "don't live in fear" "it's all overblown" and "if it's your time, it's your time" camp. They have followed the letter of the law re:masks (well, kinda) but definitely not the spirit. They definitely think I'm a nutjob for staying home and keeping the kids away. They also think I am doing this specifically to hurt them. We had a lot of conversations where there were tearful, angry accusations that I am trying to send them to an early grave by keeping the kids away. I always replied "Once you follow the quarantine things and don't take on unnecessary risk" then they could see the kids again.

I thought we turned a corner around the holidays. I let them have the kids for 1 FULL WEEK at Thanksgiving and AGAIN around Christmas. After being assured they weren't doing anything other than their doctor appointments and Mass (at a parish I trust is taking it seriously). I also didn't go out at all during this time so that way they were my entire risk budget even if they were fudging a bit.

Well obviously this was all a bit misleading (the fudge was actually on an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top). I didn't get mad about the lying, I didn't throw any shade, I didn't talk about trust issues, or how their actions impact not just themselves but everyone around them at every interaction, that this is being asked of everyone not just them. I simply said that we are going to buckle down for January because of school. I didn't bring up Covid at all since I knew that wouldn't be a valid argument to them. 

They had a technical emergency on Dec 31, so I drove up with the kids to help them fix their internet and phone which got disconnected. They were thrilled to get a "bonus day" with the kids. Because of this interaction I've had to impose another not-going-anywhere quarantine on myself for the next two week again: drive 45 minutes to a more expensive supermarket that has contactless pickup instead of the grocery store less than a quarter mile away from me, cancelled my car appointment, etc. 

Today, I got a "just listen, don't say anything" call, where my mom tells me again that I am *killing* them by keeping the kids away so much and they don't have much time left, they don't have much time left, look at what I'm doing to them, I'm keeping the kids away when they don't have much time left and I am making that time even shorter and she and my dad are HEARTBROKEN that I want to KILL them. I did my regular calm reply of "I know you want to see the kids mom and I want you to see them too, and once you start making seeing them a priority by not going too many pla--" where she then cut me off to tell me I was just supposed to listen and didn't need to respond, and then she hung up.

Why is this upsetting to me when I know it's going to happen? Logically I know her manipulation is ridiculous, and it doesn't actually make me second guess, but it makes me angry she would say these things. I guess I don't feel as upset as during the summer, it's a more dull tired feeling, but the feeling is still there, I don't think anyone particularly likes being accused of killing their parents.

I can't cut off contact, we are financially entangled with the family, and keeping her as happy as possible does have direct consequences on our living arrangement. So I have to continually swallow it all and just try to smooth things over. It's for the good of the family and the kids. I appreciate everything my parents help with. I'm not ungrateful. But all that gratitude doesn't make doing what she wants the right thing to do. 

I hate rocks and hard places.

Thanks. Just needed to vent. 

[RootAnn]

Hugs!

[OH_Homeschooler]

1 hour ago, Moonhawk said:

Today, I got a "just listen, don't say anything" call, where my mom tells me again that I am *killing* them by keeping the kids away so much and they don't have much time left, they don't have much time left, look at what I'm doing to them, I'm keeping the kids away when they don't have much time left and I am making that time even shorter and she and my dad are HEARTBROKEN that I want to KILL them. I did my regular calm reply of "I know you want to see the kids mom and I want you to see them too, and once you start making seeing them a priority by not going too many pla--" where she then cut me off to tell me I was just supposed to listen and didn't need to respond, and then she hung up.

Wow, that's where I would have put the phone down and walked away, let her babble on and on since that is all she wants to do. It is extremely unfair to start a conversation that way (although I suppose I appreciate her honesty up front that she didn't care what you might have to say). Nope, if she doesn't care how you feel then you don't have to care how she feels. 

I am very mad on your behalf, if that makes you feel any better. 

Since you can't cut off contact, can you gray rock? Just nod, agree, and don't make any commitments. Then come here and vent away after biting your tongue so hard. 

[Junie]

(((Moonhawk))) I'm sorry that your mom is being so difficult.

[Tanaqui]

Wow, I'd be so tempted to throw that right back at them. "Are you trying to kill yourselves? Do you know what it's doing to me to worry about you so much? I'm trying SO HARD to keep you safe and the kids safe, and you're acting like teenagers! You're the most important people in the world to me, and it is KILLING ME to think that you might not be able to see your grandkids at their graduation. Why are you being so SELFISH? Don't you want to be their when the kids get married? Don't you want to see your great-grandbabies? You have so many years ahead of you, but not if you THROW THEM AWAY like this? Don't you even CARE about my feelings? If you cared, you'd stop going out and risking your life."

And on and on and on, not letting her get a word in edgewise.

Probably don't do this. The chance of success is slim, and the failure could be devastating.

...actually, you know what? I'm literally sitting here with a bag of popcorn open. Let's do this!

(But seriously, if you can disentangle your financials as quickly as possible, that's all for the best. Not because of COVID, but because apparently your parents are emotionally abusive.)

[Beth S]

Check your state's guidelines for getting your folks on the over70yo vaccination list.

 

[MercyA]

So sorry, Moonhawk. 

[SKL]

For me, I am not worried about me or my kids catching Covid, but I worry about the possibility of spreading it to my folks or anyone else's folks.  It sounds reasonable for us to just isolate for 2 weeks before visiting them (my kids' school is virtual), but in practice, it's harder than it sounds.

I think we're going to make one trip out there right before school goes back "hybrid" (mid-January supposedly) - take care of my kid's belated birthday (January 6) and my dad's early birthday (January 27) - and plan on not meeting again for a long time.  I hope they get the vax soon, but that is totally up to them.  (They get the flu shot, so I think they will not be against the Covid vax.)

I never used to call my folks much between visits, but I have started doing that, in the hope that it cheers them up some.  They miss their kids!

[mathnerd]

We are all getting old, we all are gonna die! That is the best response to anyone manipulating with guilt trips. But don’t say it! I have similar dynamics too and NPD thrown into the mix and just gray rock and hope for the conversation to be over every single time!

[Farrar]

I mean, I'm currently not responding to my brother for similar crazy Covid behaviors. My approach is just to stop responding for a little while. 

[Carrie12345]

I am so, so sorry.

I can be sympathetic to people talking about their misery even if we disagree on things, but accusations of willful murder? Line crossing.

My response, given the opportunity to respond, would be that I refuse to risk having my kids to spend the rest of their lives thinking, or even slightly suspecting, that they killed their grandparents with COVID. How could a grandparent ever be okay with that?

[Amy in NH]

I would let them know that I wouldn't discuss this with them anymore, tell them that you'll hang up the next time they bring it up, and then follow through.  They can see the kids again when they can give you proof of both doses of COVID immunization, or after you've gotten yours.

Edited January 5, 2021 by Amy in NH
fixed a typo

[Happy2BaMom]

So many people are just completely & utterly losing their sh*t these days.

I really think a *lot* of people cannot handle a physical reality that does not conform to their psychological model. Unfortunately, I think it makes many of them more dangerous, even if "just" emotionally.

I'm sorry that you have to put up with this given your situation (& don't your parents know it, too....).

The only suggestion I have is to build in blocks of time where you turn off your phone(s) and don't check messages / e-mail / etc. Seriously, you need to give yourself some protected space. Hugs.

[Katy]

When I was a kid my dad once knew his grandmother needed to vent, but he didn't want to hear it, so he put the phone down and walked away.  He could hear her babbling from across the room, but couldn't make out the words.  He'd go back and say "Mmmhmm," occasionally. This started to become a routine dynamic with them.  When I was about 12 he once got a page to come in with a police matter, forgot she was on the phone, and came back 3 hours later to find her still ranting.  She hadn't even noticed.

About two years later she got diagnosed with Alzheimers.

My point is, I'm sorry you have to listen to her rant.  Is there a way to make it less personal for you?

[PeterPan]

Well since she said not to say anything, I would have set the phone down and walked away for a few minutes. She clearly needed to vent. 

Once the kids are home, they'll be busy with school work. Get a lot of school work done hahaha. They can skype with the grands. What you do to meet your kids' social needs is your business. 

Seniors I know are getting *very concerned* about this 2nd mutated form of the virus and both my sets of parents are hunkering WAY DOWN. Even though ones who were like flip the bird before are hunkering down. Within a month or two the vaccine should be to those tier 1C kind of people, and this should become less of an issue. I would just stay really busy.

Are your kids doing other stuff for social? Around here groups are split, with some getting together and some not. Some go to public venues that have established rules. Some churches are inhibitions to the wind. It's all out there. My ds has autism, so it's kind of extra double sad. We were able to line up an online social skills chat weekly with a peer, so that has been nice. 

[happi duck]

Ugh.  Sounds like a frustrating situation.

I'm honestly curious...what extraordinary no-contact lengths are they going to that aren't cutting it? 

Do they have enough tech skills that they are Zooming with the grandkids or making silly videos back and forth or sending emails to share photos and memories?  Have they researched how to play games online or watch a movie at the same time?

Without tech skills are they sending letters?  Do they call the grandkids once a week with something engaging?  If they have the money do they send gifts?

Have they analyzed what is so life-giving about grandkid visits and tried at all to duplicate that in a covid-safe way?

The drama of "you're killing us" is so over the top to me.

(hugs)

[Danae]

I would be so tempted to say “Mom, if I wanted to kill you I can think of much more efficient ways of going about it.”

Just to point out how ridiculous that accusation is.  You should probably not do that, though.

[Ausmumof3]

I think I’d be tempted to make a “just listen and don’t talk to me” call back.  Because it should work both ways right?  I’m sorry they are being so difficult.  

[Guest]

I’m sorry and I hear you. The Dementors must be breeding. 

[Tanaqui]

1 hour ago, kand said:

I was wondering if there was any NPD history when reading the OP. That’s not normal behavior, even for people who disagree about Covid. I actually love Tanaqui’s response, word for word, but with the financial entanglements you describe, it might not be a good idea. 

Just to be clear, I don't seriously suggest anybody should respond that way, no matter how satisfying it would feel in the moment.

Just saying, if you do, get it on video. I am so bored right now, y'know?

[Shoeless]

I'm so sorry. I have parents like that, too.  Mine screamed at me, with angry tears rolling down their face, that I was destroying their relationship with God because I would not do something they wanted me to do, but I felt was unsafe (not Covid related). Hearing that was so...beyond the realm of sanity.  It was stunning. What your parents are saying to you, about how you're trying to kill them, reminded me of that.  

I think you're handling this pretty well. It might be a good idea to untangle your financials from them, in case they try to use that to leverage you into more contact. Less risk of having the rug pulled out from underneath you at an inopportune moment, you know?

Edited January 5, 2021 by MissLemon

[Moonhawk]

Thanks everyone ❤️ I appreciate the support.

They've been resistant to phone calls and FT, tho I have told them whenever they want to talk to the kids they can. We've done it whenever they wanted, I've never said no. I did stop scheduling the calls myself, though, because on the last call my mom told the kids that she can't wait to have them again once I let them go over to visit 🙄 

They have a very "traditional" view of grandchildren, I think. My mom likes to sit on the couch and snuggle with the little ones and read them stories, then put on a movie and make cookies. But, long conversations, not so much. All of the calls so far have been...stilted. None have lasted more than 10 minutes. I do ask the kids to bring a topic to the call, show and tell or whatever, but it just doesn't work. It just becomes my mom telling how much she loves them and misses them and can't wait to see them, and that's a downer after 1 or 2 minutes. (I'm not arguing that it *should* be difficult or this way, just stating the history)

Over the years I've gotten good at jokingly giving a no and moving on the conversation, but obviously this issue is much more charged than cutting my kids' hair a different way or enrolling them in a different dance class.

And yeah financially we are trying to unentangle, but 2020 was not the step forward we were expecting. We hadn't needed help until 2019 (we moved into a relative-owned house) so it's been a difficult transition to feel constrained like this and know we are at her mercy, at least indirectly.

@Tanaqui, I'm sorry about your open bag of popcorn, it might go stale waiting for my video, but really it's only one more night being woken up by a baby and a burst pipe away before it happens if she calls at 6:30am again, lol.

[Tanaqui]

Ah, not to worry, I have two more bags ready to go. I really like this flavor of popcorn, and so I special ordered some for Christmas for me.

Although I really hope you can keep it together long enough to make that financial separation. I'm rooting for you.

[Danae]

12 hours ago, Moonhawk said:

 

They have a very "traditional" view of grandchildren, I think. My mom likes to sit on the couch and snuggle with the little ones and read them stories, then put on a movie and make cookies. But, long conversations, not so much. All of the calls so far have been...stilted. None have lasted more than 10 minutes. I do ask the kids to bring a topic to the call, show and tell or whatever, but it just doesn't work. It just becomes my mom telling how much she loves them and misses them and can't wait to see them, and that's a downer after 1 or 2 minutes. (I'm not arguing that it *should* be difficult or this way, just stating the history)

 

Any chance you could talk her into reading to them over facetime, or them reading to her?  My boys have been reading to MIL over the phone every weekday since March and it's been really good for all of them.  

[barnwife]

9 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Ah, not to worry, I have two more bags ready to go. I really like this flavor of popcorn, and so I special ordered some for Christmas for me.

Although I really hope you can keep it together long enough to make that financial separation. I'm rooting for you.

OP, I have no advice that hasn't already been mentioned. I do hope you are able to disentangle yourself financially sooner rather than later!

@TanaquiThat must be some special popcorn to be special ordered. Care to share a link?

[Tanaqui]

https://kettlecornnyc.com/product/cheddar-coated-caramel/

 

I like their regular caramel a lot too - not as sweet as most caramel popcorns, a little saltier.

I usually don't order them, btw, because the shipping is ridiculous. I just make a note of when the next street fair is and drop by. Except because of COVID I've barely been out of my house, much less off the Island, so....

[katilac]

On 1/5/2021 at 12:27 PM, Carrie12345 said:

I am so, so sorry.

I can be sympathetic to people talking about their misery even if we disagree on things, but accusations of willful murder? Line crossing.

My response, given the opportunity to respond, would be that I refuse to risk having my kids to spend the rest of their lives thinking, or even slightly suspecting, that they killed their grandparents with COVID. How could a grandparent ever be okay with that?

Maybe flip it around: I know you couldn't live with yourself if you gave the kids Covid and something bad happened! 

[SKL]

My parents are happy for me to stay away if I say one of us is actively sick.  Maybe you could try that - so-and-so has a headache / runny nose / belly ache.  (It could be you, feeling sick at the thought of family drama.  But they don't have to know that.)