How do you blow off steam in the heat of the moment?

[wintermom]

I'm a yeller. In my youth I also blew off steam by kicking (walls, not people) or punching pillows. The physical release seems to be what has worked. 

I need to find a new way so as to avoid the yelling, but not bottle it up inside and end up doing something stupid.

What works for you? 

Example situation: You've had a long, tiring day, (faced several irritations positively) and you finally get home and finish making a nice dinner for the whole family (this happens very infrequently now due to multiple food issues). Something irritates you and you finally "snap."  How do you do a sudden "save" from your go-to blowing off steam behaviour that you now need to change? 

I'd love to be able to laugh, possibly crack a joke that will be well received. I could use a "catch phrase" to use to remind myself that there is humour in the annoying, even when I'm tired.

ETA: I really love to sing, and it's physical. Perhaps I could burst out into song. That might cause some laughter among others, too. 😉

Edited December 6, 2019 by wintermom

[gardenmom5]

I learned to identify how did I felt before reached the point I needed to blow off steam - then how did I feel before that?  I learned to recognize the signs steam was even beginning to build - and do something before it releases on its own. 

maybe a few yoga stretches before fixing dinner, or while waiting for something in the microwave or to boil.   a regular yoga practice is great at reducing stress so it doesn't "boil over".

 

Edited December 6, 2019 by gardenmom5

[wintermom]

It's a particularly rough road in my family and personal life now, which doesn't help. I'm trying to do "all the right things," such as regular exercise, outdoor fresh air, time with friends, eat healthy, professional help for health issues,etc., and still there is that constant underlying tension that is just waiting to explode. It's challenging, to say the least.

[Arctic Bunny]

I had to just tell myself to stop. I do not like how I feel after I yell. I would tell myself that I couldn’t help it; it just happened. Which wasn’t true, because I can feel it’s going to happen, therefore I can make the decision not to do it It is not a decision for me to do something to replace yelling; it is a conscious decision not to do it. And honestly, the old “if you can’t say something nice...” holds true the majority of the time, as does “you catch more bees with honey.”

I do try to figure out what is really bothering me, though. Because it’s not usually whatever I was going to yell about.

[Soror]

I like to blow off steam exercising, singing loudly to blaring music, and venting/cursing to a sympathetic ear. None of those would work in that situation though... although maybe you could sing a response instead of yelling? If I was exhausted and made a nice dinner and someone complained my personal reaction would be to tell them, "Well, sorry, this is what we're having. You don't have to eat it." If I was really mad I'd probably insert a guilt trip and tell them they can cook the next meal. Instead of letting frustration build maybe some built in discussion times? Are there certain things that perpetually come up as issues? Maybe some brainstorming sessions to figure out how to fix it, you don't want to yell and I'm sure they don't want you to yell.

[mom@shiloh]

When my kids were younger and there were times that the frustration and impatience would build, I would ask myself what I would do in the situation if someone whose respect I valued was listening in. If other people were around listening to me, I knew that I'd keep my cool and respond graciously. If I could do it in public, I should be able to do it in private as well. Not very noble, but it worked for me.

Edited December 6, 2019 by mom@shiloh

[Arctic Bunny]

17 minutes ago, mom@shiloh said:

When my kids were younger and there were times that the frustration and impatience would build, I would ask myself what I would do in the situation if someone whose respect I valued was listening in. If other people were around listening to me, I knew that I'd keep my cool and respond graciously. If I could do it in public, I should be able to do it in private as well. Not very noble, but it worked for me.

Mmmm, yes. Another component to what I said above, that helped me conclude I was making a choice. It never happened in public, or if someone else was here, or if the windows were open in the summer.

[wintermom]

20 minutes ago, mom@shiloh said:

When my kids were younger and there were times that the frustration and impatience would build, I would ask myself what I would do in the situation if someone whose respect I valued was listening in. If other people were around listening to me, I knew that I'd keep my cool and respond graciously. If I could do it in public, I should be able to do it in private as well. Not very noble, but it worked for me.

Great idea, though my personal guilt would be worse - I think. I'm already yelling in front of my dh, whom I respect very much. It's not easy being a "bad mom" in these moments. 

[wintermom]

2 minutes ago, arctic_bunny said:

Mmmm, yes. Another component to what I said above, that helped me conclude I was making a choice. It never happened in public, or if someone else was here, or if the windows were open in the summer.

Yup. I know it's a choice I make, which I don't do in public. I'm not happy about my choices and struggling to make better ones. How come some choices are harder than others? Why can't I always make the "right choices?"  

[Arctic Bunny]

7 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Yup. I know it's a choice I make, which I don't do in public. I'm not happy about my choices and struggling to make better ones. How come some choices are harder than others? Why can't I always make the "right choices?"  

Ha! Let me know! Pretty sure you get a big prize for figuring that one out!

[gardenmom5]

50 minutes ago, wintermom said:

It's a particularly rough road in my family and personal life now, which doesn't help. I'm trying to do "all the right things," such as regular exercise, outdoor fresh air, time with friends, eat healthy, professional help for health issues,etc., and still there is that constant underlying tension that is just waiting to explode. It's challenging, to say the least.

stress uses a lot of b-vitamins, and most people don't get enough in their diet.  when I went through a super stressful time, I started taking a b-complex.  yes, it helped.  I now take a very high quality b-complex.

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, HeighHo said:

Are your buttons being pushed?  If so, you have to learn not to 'take the bait'.  Do that by writing the script and rehearsing in advance.

If you are frayed and its just one more thing, then step back when you feel the steam build. If you can't, bite your tongue and listen to some music, then excuse yourself as soon as you can, head for your bathroom and stick your head out the window or yell into a towel. 

Ok, I just read your last line as, "head for your bathroom and pick your nose." That sounds strangely satisfying, TBH. 😂

Edited December 6, 2019 by wintermom

[J-rap]

This reminded me that when I was a kid, I used to throw my hairbrush across the room when I was mad!  Until one day it broke in half... then I didn't throw things anymore.  

Nowadays if I reach that point, and if we're talking about immediate family, then I usually just tell everyone I've reached my breaking point with some kind of sarcastic comment and it somehow evolves into humor and then we laugh and the laugh is the release.  If I'm with people I don't know, it's harder, but distancing myself from it (physically, or whatever) and forcing my mind to think about something else helps put it all into perspective.

[wintermom]

3 minutes ago, J-rap said:

This reminded me that when I was a kid, I used to throw my hairbrush across the room when I was mad!  Until one day it broke in half... then I didn't throw things anymore.  

Nowadays if I reach that point, and if we're talking about immediate family, then I usually just tell everyone I've reached my breaking point with some kind of sarcastic comment and it somehow evolves into humor and then we laugh and the laugh is the release.  If I'm with people I don't know, it's harder, but distancing myself from it (physically, or whatever) and forcing my mind to think about something else helps put it all into perspective.

Yes, my mom threw stuff (a hair brush and she broke it, too) and so have I. I don't do it often, and I've broken things that I wish I hadn't. 

Perhaps I can go with the classic, "I'm about to snap and lose it," comment. Then I can vacate the area and do something in the bathroom. 😉

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, arctic_bunny said:

Ha! Let me know! Pretty sure you get a big prize for figuring that one out!

My latest "solution" will be to prioritize the yelling. On my list of "things to get right" as a mama, this will be #1. The rest will come after.

[KungFuPanda]

Hang a punching bag in your garage and get in a good work out?  

[PeterPan]

If you want the more technical options:

1) address any underlying chemical issues (ie. run genetics, find any defects like VDR, TPH2, COMT, and then take the appropriate supplements) Overly high methyls (which can occur with any of those genes) would cause that kind of every day, no matter what you do, explosive tendency. It's really nice to say you can overcome everything cognitively, but sometimes it helps to address the underlying problem. For me, I became the chilled person I had always meant to be when I started taking vitamin D, niacin, and 5HTP. And all those things are directly obvious when you look at the specific genes I mentioned. No more mean mom. If I eat something with a lot of methyls, out comes mean mom, and I have to go take something to get it down. It's not rocket science.

2) Learn about Zones of Regulation. Basic idea is you missed yourself in yellow zone, when it would have been easier to pull back, and you let it go all the way to red zone. So work on your interoception (Kelly Mahler's site) and read about the Zones and figure out what helps you move from yellow zone to green zone. That way you're catching yourself earlier.

Edited December 6, 2019 by PeterPan

[KathyBC]

The problem I've been noticing in myself lately is that I yell when I feel I'm in the right. I don't yell as often now, with older children and less overwhelm, so when I do I'm (alarmingly) not experiencing regret - it's the fault of those clearly in the wrong. (eye roll)
I'll be following this thread because there's got to be a more appropriate response level to match even the most unreasonable level of provocation advanced by others. I was "the peacemaker" in my FOO, so it's weird to be perceived by DH as part of the problem. He's obviously WRONG, but you know, I'll try to keep an open mind at least on this thread. 😂

[Pawz4me]

Mindfulness techniques and age (reduced hormones are a very good thing in some regards).

That's all I've got but empathy and a cyber hug. It's really, really hard when you're in the trenches.

Edited December 6, 2019 by Pawz4me

[SKL]

I'm sure there are various things you can try, but honestly, if you yell occasionally, nobody will die.

I do it, and afterwards I explain to my kids what has me on my last nerve.  It's not them, it's my mental limit combined with the kind of day I've had.  (It helps if I can try to make a joke at that point ... and I usually can.)

If practical, I will give a warning before I reach that point.  Like if one of my kids starts fooling around / nagging in a way that usually doesn't set me off, I might quietly inform everyone that this is not a good time to mess with me as I'm under a lot of stress.  Then it's on them if they ignore that.  🙂

Moms are human.  IMO the sooner kids realize this, the better.

[SKL]

About throwing - I have done this probably twice since I had kids, and they vividly remember and bring it up.  Ugh!  Brats!  😛  [I did have the presence of mind to throw the things in a direction other than where my kids were.]

[matrips]

3 hours ago, wintermom said:

I'm a yeller. In my youth I also blew off steam by kicking (walls, not people) or punching pillows. The physical release seems to be what has worked. 

I need to find a new way so as to avoid the yelling, but not bottle it up inside and end up doing something stupid.

What works for you? 

Example situation: You've had a long, tiring day, (faced several irritations positively) and you finally get home and finish making a nice dinner for the whole family (this happens very infrequently now due to multiple food issues). Something irritates you and you finally "snap."  How do you do a sudden "save" from your go-to blowing off steam behaviour that you now need to change? 

I'd love to be able to laugh, possibly crack a joke that will be well received. I could use a "catch phrase" to use to remind myself that there is humour in the annoying, even when I'm tired.

ETA: I really love to sing, and it's physical. Perhaps I could burst out into song. That might cause some laughter among others, too. 😉

A good friend of mine used to swear by clucking like a chicken.  She said it was hard to stay angry when you’re flapping arms and clucking away like a fool 🙂

[matrips]

An idea I’ve often thought about is having a camera on me.  How would you act if if you knew someone would be watching you (aside from the family members you are yelling!)?  Put in a real camera.  Watch yourself or force yourself to play it for someone you respect. 

[Little Green Leaves]

There are a few things that have helped me -- staying in touch with my feelings so that anger doesn't catch me unaware; lots of regular exercise and sleep; finding positive role models.

 

But one of the biggest things, for me, is trying to remember that I am not responsible for my whole family running smoothly all the time. I think a lot of the time my nerves get frayed and I get angry because I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, big and small. I even blame myself when my kids misbehave ("I should have set them up for success," etc).

 

My mom recently told me that I have to make my kids carry their own load. which doesn't mean yelling at them or burdening them unduly, but does mean that I can't blame myself for their actions.

 

That was mind-blowing for me -- and very relaxing -- so I wanted to share 🙂

[wintermom]

My ds just gave me a brilliant idea that he uses. Get an ice cube and hold it. You can squeeze it or just hold it in your hand. It really helps release the energy of the moment. 

Edited December 6, 2019 by wintermom

[fairfarmhand]

I pretend I’m someone else. Like Mary poppins.

i also tell my kids “ you know some days i can deal without this nonsense. “

And I whisper my evil voice 

“today is not that day...”

i send them off to do work for me if they persist in being a knuckle head.

 

Edited December 6, 2019 by fairfarmhand

[wintermom]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

I pretend I’m someone else. Like Mary poppies.

Who is Mary poppies? Just she frolic in a field of blowing poppies? 😉

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, wintermom said:

Who is Mary poppies? Just she frolic in a field of blowing poppies? 😉

Frolicking is s way to release stress..

[KathyBC]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

If you want the more technical options:

1) address any underlying chemical issues (ie. run genetics, find any defects like VDR, TPH2, COMT, and then take the appropriate supplements) Overly high methyls (which can occur with any of those genes) would cause that kind of every day, no matter what you do, explosive tendency. It's really nice to say you can overcome everything cognitively, but sometimes it helps to address the underlying problem. For me, I became the chilled person I had always meant to be when I started taking vitamin D, niacin, and 5HTP. And all those things are directly obvious when you look at the specific genes I mentioned. No more mean mom. If I eat something with a lot of methyls, out comes mean mom, and I have to go take something to get it down. It's not rocket science.

2) Learn about Zones of Regulation. Basic idea is you missed yourself in yellow zone, when it would have been easier to pull back, and you let it go all the way to red zone. So work on your interoception (Kelly Mahler's site) and read about the Zones and figure out what helps you move from yellow zone to green zone. That way you're catching yourself earlier.

So what is the recommended course of action when you are in the yellow zone?

[Arctic Bunny]

3 hours ago, wintermom said:

My latest "solution" will be to prioritize the yelling. On my list of "things to get right" as a mama, this will be #1. The rest will come after.

I have to say it has made a world of difference. I have come to see it as me taking the easy way out. Like, if I lose it and scream and shout, obviously it must be their fault, whatever they did has brought this on. On the other hand to stop and realize what I am about to do (and sadly, how much I dislike the racing heart feeling, the sore throat), that puts it back on me. And you know what? Those times when I say, “Do I really have to start yelling? Is that what it’s going to take?”, we can all see that that shouldn’t be the defining factor as to whether I mean what I am saying, or not.

[Guest]

For myself, regular practice in meditation has helped me tremendously. In a fairly recent meditation, the moderator talked about “just popping out” of the emotion and returning to your “home base”. (People choose their own home base; for myself it is that small space at the end of a full exhale when you are neither exhaling nor yet inhaling.) So I think that when emotions are stirred up. I think, “just pop out” and I return my attention to my home base. I have sticky notes in my office beside the computer and in my sunroom by my chair that say, “Just pop out”. It is a reminder because those are two places I am likely to be when frustrations build. 

This dovetails with what @arctic_bunny said upthread - you have to recognize your own choice in it. Once I recognize that I’m getting upset because my computer has suddenly decided to stop printing (for example - that makes me so mad!), I can “pop out” of the agitation, find my home base and calm the hell down. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, matrips said:

An idea I’ve often thought about is having a camera on me.  How would you act if if you knew someone would be watching you (aside from the family members you are yelling!)?  Put in a real camera.  Watch yourself or force yourself to play it for someone you respect. 

Something similar to this actually happened to me just a few nights ago. It was my son’s birthday and we sang happy birthday but I was in a bad mood and, the moment we got done singing, I started harping and carping about the messy kitchen and how nobody does anything about it but me. Well, it just so happened that dh, who meant to be recording the Happy Birthday, accidentally turned it on at the end, when he thought he turned it off. So he has about two minutes of me b!tching about the kitchen. Instead of two minutes of us singing Happy Birthday to my boy. 

It was quite chastening. 

[WendyLady]

I don't have a solution, but I wanted you to know that I've been there with you.  

Things I have tried that may not actually be helpful but have worked at one time of another for me:

talking to a counselor to find specific words and phrases to say to express my feelings to a very very difficult person. (actually helpful dealing with the worst coworker of all time, but not so helpful at home)

High intensity work out - just after the pie incident I began working out in a boxing gym 4x a week - totally out of character for me but it was so helpful at that time.

Deciding to let something go - I have put my own weight-loss goals on hold more than once during times of intense stress as food is a coping mechanism and I needed something to soothe me.  Not the healthiest choice, but better than many other unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

Reading about PTSD and gaining an understanding of some of those issues. For others, but also for myself.

Loud angry music in my earphones during a walk/run.  Also good classical music. Depending.

A friend to talk to about the non-stressful things.  

 

 

Edited December 7, 2019 by WendyLady

[KathyBC]

34 minutes ago, Quill said:

For myself, regular practice in meditation has helped me tremendously. In a fairly recent meditation, the moderator talked about “just popping out” of the emotion and returning to your “home base”. (People choose their own home base; for myself it is that small space at the end of a full exhale when you are neither exhaling nor yet inhaling.) So I think that when emotions are stirred up. I think, “just pop out” and I return my attention to my home base. I have sticky notes in my office beside the computer and in my sunroom by my chair that say, “Just pop out”. It is a reminder because those are two places I am likely to be when frustrations build. 

This dovetails with what @arctic_bunny said upthread - you have to recognize your own choice in it. Once I recognize that I’m getting upset because my computer has suddenly decided to stop printing (for example - that makes me so mad!), I can “pop out” of the agitation, find my home base and calm the hell down. 

Do you find there's a limit to how many times in a row you can do this?

[Guest]

29 minutes ago, KathyBC said:

Do you find there's a limit to how many times in a row you can do this?

No, though I’m sure certain times my fuse is shorter - hormones, general stress or pressures, not feeling good - all affect how short my temper is on the whole. 

I’m sure if, say, I was working in an environment where anger is never far from being triggered, the meditation technique can only help so far. I can’t spend the entire day returning to home base. But it seems to me that meditation practice has made it easier for me to see my own behavior and interrupt it, which is a good skill even if you can’t just do that all day long. 

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

For myself, regular practice in meditation has helped me tremendously. In a fairly recent meditation, the moderator talked about “just popping out” of the emotion and returning to your “home base”.

And here we call it going to our happy place. We will spend time thinking about our happy place, because it really promotes calm thinking. Which of course means going to Disney, thinking Disney.  Maybe cruising can be that, dunno.

 I heard a talk by Dr. Amen on PBS years ago, and he had this list of questions to ask when you get stuck in an emotion: Is it TRUE, Is it what I WANT to feel, and what can I DO about it? It helps me to think through it that way, because sometimes when I'm really extreme I'm not sure everything I'm saying/thinking is complete true, kwim? (the world is not ending, people are not whatever, lol)

 

Edited December 6, 2019 by PeterPan

[Scarlett]

Well, as a person who has a white hot temper that I have got under control....I can say I prayed a lot.   And I let the anger wash over me without expressing it and by doing that several times I realized I would not die by not expressing it and then the anger passes eventually and I feel so good that I have not caused further damage with my temper.  

[PeterPan]

18 minutes ago, StellaM said:

If I'm at home, I sweep. 

I have really clean floors when I'm angry

That's what my mom always told me to do, go clean. 

[PeterPan]

4 hours ago, KathyBC said:

So what is the recommended course of action when you are in the yellow zone?

I made a long post, but it was awfully personal and probably not of interest to the op. 

Zones is meant to be preventative. You work on learning your GREEN zone tools, so you can stay GREEN more. You learn your Yellow zone physical indicators (by working on interoception, your self-awareness), and you practice finding your own strategies that help you get those parameters down. Each person's methods are their own. 

So the theory is you don't want to be going red zone but are doing things actively to stay green all day and using your tools as you go yellow. People will even talk about pink, like being right on the edge, lol. And there's a lot of self-awareness in that.

None of that does any good if your body chemistry is not in a place where you can actually do those things. 

So me, I clean, take walks, play solitaire, breathe very deeply, black theraputty, turn up the music very loudly, throw a slam ball, take walks. But I put more of my effort into staying green than I do in coming down out of yellow/red. So green zone strategies for me are things like solitaire, dot to dots, positive visualizations, body scans/mindfulness, tracking my heart beat (also part of mindfulness), https://www.amazon.com/Playable-ART-Ball-Natural-Color/dp/B00A0E16F4/ref=pd_day0_hl_21_2/142-3301269-0716404?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00A0E16F4&pd_rd_r=5524a64b-8a90-4bc2-954e-9d0756a62900&pd_rd_w=ymibb&pd_rd_wg=GEWIy&pf_rd_p=0501877d-5f8c-4ec8-9861-e0476eecc53e&pf_rd_r=6F02VWYRBPCZ7Y0MAJ8D&psc=1&refRID=6F02VWYRBPCZ7Y0MAJ8D , reading my bible/praying, solitaire, did I mention solitaire. I spend time most days, usually at least twice, more as needed, playing apps that make me feel calm. I used to do Fish Farm. Whatever floats your boat.  I just bought a book of word searches to try them. I'm trying to expand my repertoire of things I do that are calming, feel good, and keep me green zone.

None of that was possible before I worked on interoception and it all goes out the window if I don't take my supplements.  It's really different if you're having a cognitive/emotional/rational anger vs. a chemical/sensory/dysregulated anger. Now I think the strategies help, and that's what I was noticing could help op. She wasn't catching her yellow zone, and she could do that. 

Well anyways, that's in the weeds.

[Scarlett]

41 minutes ago, StellaM said:

If I'm at home, I sweep. 

I have really clean floors when I'm angry 🙂

Sometimes I remember to just walk away and go and breath or something.  Or scream bad words in my head.

If I'm out, I imagine I'm a champion boxer in the ring. 

I'm not entirely sure these are great end-point ways of blowing off steam. Ideally, I'd get a whole lot less triggered to that point. 

If triggered, I go from lukewarm to boiling in about a second. I think knowing and exploring your triggers can help reduce the number of times you need to sweep the metaphorical floor ?

Idk. Not there yet.

 

 

Oh Yeah, I forgot about cleaning.  When I was young I scrubbed on my hands and knees a lot.  I think my mom taught me that....when you feel destructive turn the energy into something constructive.  Cleaning is all I could ever think to do.  LOL

And yes, I go from lukewarm to boiling in a second too.  Totally agree about trying to figure oneself out .....takes a lifetime it seems.

[PeterPan]

5 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

How do you even catch yellow ? Like, if you go green to red in seconds ?

 

The more time you spend in GREEN, the more you reset your expectation for what GREEN is. I've read comments by (presumably) NT (neurotypical) people who were teaching Zones and found that after a year *they* had grown. They reset their expectation for what green meant and realized they had been living in yellow a lot.

So I want to back up and say this again. Usually when people talk about the Zones, they're talking about our self-regulation and dysregulation. However as complex adults we have a cognitive level we're bringing to this. We might be BITTER about something. We might have a whole list of things we're nursing. It's a sort of cognitive "yellow" zone rather than an overall dysregulation. 

I wasn't really addressing that, because I assumed it was pretty obvious. If you're blowing up overall, about anything (a kitten walks in front of you, boom), then that's your level of dysregulation overall. But if it's specifically connected to a person or scenario, then maybe that's more of a spiritual/cognitive issue. It's not like you just breathe away complex problems, lol. Well maybe somebody does, but me I have to reframe them, see them a different way, forgive, make a change, whatever.

So if you're experiencing very short yellow zones:

-is it happening everywhere, about anything?

-is it specific to a situation you need to deal with better?

And then, if it's overall, I'd be looking at whether there are chemical issues going on (genetic defects leading to a need for some vitamins to stabilize mood) or a lack of self-awareness or...

I'm only addressing the self-awareness and chemical side. That whole spiritual side, that's your own gig to look into. I've been a christian for many years, so that's just my starting point, that you have to let things go, things have a reason, there is hope, it will turn out well anyway, we can have peace, blah blah. So I'm just kind of b&w on that part of it, sorry. 

For me the gap was that I wanted to be something (calm, responding well, etc.) and wasn't. Working on self-awareness, self-regulation, and the chemistry got me the rest of the way from wanting to be something to actually being it some of the time, lol.

So back to the question. Work more on being green zone, and you'll reframe your perspective on your yellow zone. And if you say that doesn't work, done that, I go back to chemistry. My ds is considered to have a VERY SHORT yellow zone by most people. He has chemical issues, clearly. We're working on it, and in fact I just adjusted one of his things and am trying to get him more zen. He's like 80% there and we'd like to hit 90%. That's not true. He's 60% and we'd like to hit 70%, lol. 

So a short yellow zone, like a clinically short yellow zone, does exist, absolutely. Every professional who works with my ds has commented on it, that they have to watch so carefully. *I* can tell more because I'm with him the most. But sometimes, it's like one little thing, one little thing he doesn't do or an odd behavior, and boom he's red. It happens. But for him it's chemistry and then super poor awareness. But his awareness is improving, which is why I'm pushing the chemistry again to see if we can take it farther. 

It's not like an all or nothing. Someone else said this, but it's something you GROW in. You may peel back and find layers. I think sometimes when it's issues, hot button issues, we have things we haven't dealt with. Like things from our past, whatever. 

Maybe you'd like this free webinar on the Zones? https://www.socialthinking.com/eLearning/Webinar-Zones-of-Regulation  It's really worth digging in, both on the Zones and Interoception, if they're issues for you. 

[Pen]

Sometimes personal past issues or traumas may have some influence or are already filling up one’s green zone and need to be emptied out.

[PeterPan]

6 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

How do you even catch yellow ? Like, if you go green to red in seconds ?

 

Sorry, I just realized you were a different person. Did you see the links on interoception?

https://www.kelly-mahler.com/what-is-interoception/ some free info

https://www.kelly-mahler.com/product-category/online-courses/  Her online course which is about to go up, so jump fast

https://www.kelly-mahler.com/product-category/publications/  Her curriculum

https://www.aapcpublishing.com/products/interoception-assessment-forms assessment forms

If the person has poor interoception (self-awareness), then you're pretty much hopeless on getting them stabilized. Someone could have poor interoception from a neurological/developmental condition, but also from TRAUMA, mental health issues, etc. Trauma creates dissociation, so there's a lot of talk on the need to work on interoception in the mental health community, the trauma, in anxiety.

And run genetics, because some things are just really hard to fight cognitively. I mean, I'm from a traditional religiously where people are like (pick some labels, mental health labels) don't exist, the labels shouldn't be used, the DSM will send you to hell, blah blah. But realize is some bodies are really stinkin hard to work with. I can take these supplements and my whole irritability level goes down SO much. I lived for so many years with stuff that didn't have to be that way. I was using my mind to control my body, which sounds really laudable but doesn't always turn out so well. So me, I think the chemistry is important.

And it seems to me like working on those two, you eventually figure out for yourself what the issue was. You were bitter/had a spiritual problem. You had a chemistry problem. You had a self-awareness/self-regulation problem. 

And some of it is really basic stuff, like going on too little sleep. LOL I'm not saying that other stuff isn't a factor, only that we can add in these other things too. To me what's frustrating is when you're like I get sleep, I eat right, I pray, I forgive, I want to be calm, I try to count to 10, blah blah, and it's still happening. So that's when you can be looking for these other kinds of answers (chemistry, trauma, self-awareness, etc.).

[PeterPan]

Just now, Pen said:

Sometimes personal past issues or traumas may have some influence or are already filling up one’s green zone and need to be emptied out.

Bingo. And it causes dissociation. 

[PeterPan]

1 minute ago, Pen said:

Sometimes personal past issues or traumas may have some influence or are already filling up one’s green zone and need to be emptied out.

So just to pull that up again. I got some therapy for trauma a few years ago, maybe 3 1/2 years ago. It really didn't change my chemistry or other issues, but what it DID do is get me started on being more self-aware. My dh would say really rude things like "Wow, you're really normal today, what did you do, do it more" LOL So the trauma for me was a block in progress of self-awareness. THEN I had to go work on interoception. And I don't remember when we ran the genetics. That was only 1 1/2 years ago I think, so the genetics and supplement work was after the trauma therapy. I'm losing track. 

But I totally, totally agree. And you know, when I walked into that office I was NOT looking for trauma therapy!!! It's why it's so important that it be brought up. I was not abused (in a way someone might mean when they conversationally use the term) or assaulted. I had a lot of experiences of violence that were perceived by my body as life-threatening and I had some near death experiences. To me they were the kinds of things anyone might have in their background. 

So I had layers, and working on trauma got me lots of good things and got me started, but it didn't really push the volatility where it needed to be. For me, that was the genetics, the supplements. Just saying. 

[vmsurbat1]

Going on in the vein of what to do in the moment of feeling like yelling, I've come up with the Silent Scream.  Which is exactly what it sounds like.  I close my eyes, grab my hair, and silently scream mouth wide-open.  This incorporates physical relief of tension, acknowledges that things aren't as they should be, and is silly enough that it helps me past the negative emotions.    I'm amazed at how much better I can feel after a Silent Scream, plus I haven't hurt anyone else by saying (yelling?) things I shouldn't.

[BeachGal]

I’ve been trying to learn more about the Polyvagal Theory developed by Stephen Porges. In one interview he said that during an argument, a person could try singing or speaking in gibberish. I suppose you could argue in chicken language. Might want to use it only on family and not your boss or a police officer. LOL

[fairfarmhand]

I don’t know about you, but resentment keeps me bound in angry mode.

for instance, my dh started my kids in an evening activity saying that he would do the driving and pickup and such. And life happened and it fell to me. And it’s took me a long time to accept that. And forgive him. And acknowledge that they love it and he fully intended to follow up. 

So resentment makes me irritable.

[wintermom]

16 hours ago, PeterPan said:

I made a long post, but it was awfully personal and probably not of interest to the op. 

Zones is meant to be preventative. You work on learning your GREEN zone tools, so you can stay GREEN more. You learn your Yellow zone physical indicators (by working on interoception, your self-awareness), and you practice finding your own strategies that help you get those parameters down. Each person's methods are their own. 

So the theory is you don't want to be going red zone but are doing things actively to stay green all day and using your tools as you go yellow. People will even talk about pink, like being right on the edge, lol. And there's a lot of self-awareness in that.

None of that does any good if your body chemistry is not in a place where you can actually do those things. 

So me, I clean, take walks, play solitaire, breathe very deeply, black theraputty, turn up the music very loudly, throw a slam ball, take walks. But I put more of my effort into staying green than I do in coming down out of yellow/red. So green zone strategies for me are things like solitaire, dot to dots, positive visualizations, body scans/mindfulness, tracking my heart beat (also part of mindfulness), https://www.amazon.com/Playable-ART-Ball-Natural-Color/dp/B00A0E16F4/ref=pd_day0_hl_21_2/142-3301269-0716404?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00A0E16F4&pd_rd_r=5524a64b-8a90-4bc2-954e-9d0756a62900&pd_rd_w=ymibb&pd_rd_wg=GEWIy&pf_rd_p=0501877d-5f8c-4ec8-9861-e0476eecc53e&pf_rd_r=6F02VWYRBPCZ7Y0MAJ8D&psc=1&refRID=6F02VWYRBPCZ7Y0MAJ8D , reading my bible/praying, solitaire, did I mention solitaire. I spend time most days, usually at least twice, more as needed, playing apps that make me feel calm. I used to do Fish Farm. Whatever floats your boat.  I just bought a book of word searches to try them. I'm trying to expand my repertoire of things I do that are calming, feel good, and keep me green zone.

None of that was possible before I worked on interoception and it all goes out the window if I don't take my supplements.  It's really different if you're having a cognitive/emotional/rational anger vs. a chemical/sensory/dysregulated anger. Now I think the strategies help, and that's what I was noticing could help op. She wasn't catching her yellow zone, and she could do that. 

Well anyways, that's in the weeds.

I definitely noticed that I was getting irritated and thought I was handling it ok, but suddenly snapped.  I think you are right on with the physical/sensory side of things being quite different than the emotional.  I'm in a place where both are strained more than I've ever experienced.  I'm getting professional help for both, but it's really hard to navigate through this right now. At any given moment, the physical may flare up and really cause my emotions to also flare.

[Xahm]

I try to avoid it, but occasionally I feel a real need to do something. I sometimes yell at my kids and have to apologize, but usually I'll make a hooting sound out stamp my feet in a crazy dance. Those things start off angry but turn silly. They don't always make me really get all the way to the point of laughing, but my kids laugh, which generally puts them in a good enough mood they are no longer pushing every button I have. I've been avoiding getting to that spot very well recently, but last year, when I was heavily pregnant with three young kids running around and a husband about to deploy at New Year's, I was kind of a mess. There was a lot on my plate that no one could take off for me, and there were lots of emotions and hormones I just had to deal with. It wasn't a great time, and my goal was just to not emotionally scar the children (or physically, but I was thankfully no where near risking that).