When your child fails at something and is heartbroken UPDATE

[Teaching3bears]

I signed him up for the lifeguarding class.  (It is the first class).  He likes swimming a lot and he is a good swimmer. The other kids in the class  were all much taller than him, though they are the same age as him.  Anyways, he failed.  It was the procedure part of the class that he failed at, not the swimming, as far as I understand.  He studied a lot and went to 2 extra classes with the instructor.  I helped him study and I thought he knew the material well.  The instructor was very nice but her notes were extremely disorganized.  

Anyways, he was crying for over an hour.  He asked me to unfail him by talking to the examiner and would not go to bed until I said I would try.  He feels like he is the only one in the class who failed and that the other kids did not study much.  He is 13 years old but still cries sometimes when he loses at games with me.  (He will not cry with his peers.)

I think I did pretty good with what I said but I am worried that he will not be over this tomorrow.  I told him how proud i was of how much he studied.  He feels it was all for nothing.   I tried to tell him that a lot of the kids had taken the class before etc.  I hugged him.  I talked about how failure was part of everyone's life and it was how we deal with it that is important, how JK Rowling was rejected many times, etc.   Mostly, though, I listened a lot to him.  I don't think there is anything more I can say that will make him feel better.

Anyways, I'm feeling really bad for having put him through this and just so sad for his sadness.  I don't want this to make him feel badly about himself or to not try in the future.  I also feel that I did not do such a good job of helping him study so that he learned everything.

 

Edited November 21, 2019 by Teaching3bears
update

[Teaching3bears]

1 minute ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

One thing I have learned with my oldest who also feels things feel things deeply is that sometimes what he wants is not for me to say something to make him feel better, but to kind of wrap my arms around him and just agree that whatever is lousy and join him in his sadness.

Yes!  I told him that it sucked because he studied so much and tried so hard and I cried and hugged him.  I'm hoping he will be able to pick himself up from this and not get sadder.

[MercyA]

I think what you said and what you did was perfect. Hugs to you both.

Just keep reassuring him that it will be okay! If he wants to try again, he will have a great head start. If not, that's okay too--he still learned a lot and you're proud of him.

[Chris in VA]

You didn't put him through this tough experience, he chose it and it did not work out. It is not your responsibility to see he doesn't fail. (hug hug to you, Mama❤) 

I think you did brilliantly. Failure and learning how to deal with it and with our own limitations is an enormously important life skill. So is mourning. 

It is so good to have a mom who is your champion while you are learning to be your own. What a treasure he has in you. 

[Rosie_0801]

So many men grow up emotionally fragile because they haven't enough experience in feeling their feelings. Grieving seems entirely reasonable to me. It sucks to work for things and not get them. Maybe it will help to talk him through the stages of grief and how they don't just apply to death. "It is normal to feel this way. These are the other emotions you will probably feel at some point too. When you've finished processing all that, which can take a while, you'll find you've grown up a bit and you'll feel ready to tackle this again or some other challenge."

[SKL]

I think what you said is great and he will be OK.  Since he got you to agree to try to talk to the instructor, what I would try to do is ask for clarification of what didn't go well and how your son can have a better chance at passing the next time.  It might also help to ask the pass/fail rate.

I hope your son keeps trying.  This is really a valuable life lesson, like many things that hurt.

[Guest]

I think you did and said the best things you possibly could have. 

I know how much it hurts our mama hearts when they can’t have something they worked hard for. 

[MEmama]

13 is **very** young for lifeguarding. I think 16 is minimum here. One needs a certain muscle mass to be able to handle the lifesaving procedures correctly; my very strong, athletic son was worried he still might be too lean.

I agree with everyone else. You’ve done a good job, it’s about all you can do. I do not think you should go to the examiner so he can “unfail”. First, because he needs to learn to own it. Second, because he can take the course again next year when he’s stronger. 

It's not on you to help him study. If he wants to be a lifeguard, he needs to realize the maturity required to be able to handle it, and to handle himself in a potentially life threatening situation. Honestly, a kid who still cries at losing games (which is totally fine) doesn’t sound ready. And that’s fine too. Let him grow up a bit before taking on such a huge responsibility. There’s no rush, even if he feels like there is. 

You're doing good, mama. 🙂

[ScoutTN]

You did fine. He can try again. Good life lesson. Not fun, but all part of growing up. 

 

13 is way young for lifeguarding, imo. I was certified at 15 and wasn't really mature enough for the job, despite knowing all the material and doing the swimming part well. At 18, I did CPR as a part of a complex water rescue and it was a visceral, traumatic experience. Not sure most 13 yo are ready for that kind of thing. Are students that young able to work as lifeguards in your state? The Red Cross training requires students to be 15 by the last day of class. 

 

[SquirrellyMama]

I agree with a pp to find out what he didn't do well on and go from there.

Is this a Jr. Lifeguatding course?

Kelly

[KungFuPanda]

I'm not sure I'd even consider it a failure to not become a lifeguard on the first try.  It's GOOD that the standards are high.  If this is something he truly wants to do, he can and should try again in the future.  It sounds like he learned a lot this time around but has more to learn.  I absolutely wouldn't call in and try to persuade the person to pass him after he failed.  That's unethical.  I would try to give him space to have these feelings and try to redirect those strong emotions into his next attempt.  It's a huge life lesson to keep going after you've been knocked down. There are going to be things you need to attempt more than once before you enjoy success.  Yes, it hurts, but what do you do next after you feel that sting?

[fairfarmhand]

Yes, it stings. It's quite painful to fall short. He will survive though. And 13 is quite young for such a heavy duty, physically and emotionally, task. 

In a few days, perhaps you can help him see things a bit more philosophically. It's not so much about his failure as much as having very well-prepared people doing this crucial task. Would he want to be responsible for someone's 5 year old in a potentially life-threatening situation having barely squeaked by in this? What if he was the parent of the child? Wouldn't he want the highest caliber of people doing the job?

Failure is NOT the end. 

[Arctic Bunny]

I would try to turn it from what happened to what to do next. Study more? Swim more? Weight train? *Is* there anything he can do, or does he simply have to let time take its course? There is such a huge physical difference between my almost 15yo and my almost 13yo!

[Teaching3bears]

Update:  He came home from school happy last night and we did stuff together and he seemed happy.  He went to bed on time but half an hour later he came out of bed and told me he wanted to speak to me.  He told me that he had studied so hard so he wanted me to find the examiner and persuade her "hard-core for at least an hour" to pass him.  Don't worry, I don't plan on speaking to her and agree that he should take the class again.  I am still worried that the experience will make him feel bad about himself.  I am trying to counteract this by working with him on his study skills in general so he feels more confident in a classroom.  But I still feel sad for him.  At his age (and even much later) I could not see the bigger picture and took things very personally for a long time.

Just to clarify:  This is a lifesaving class, the first of several with the goal to eventually become a lifeguard.  He will not be eligible to take the later classes until he is 16 and only after that could he become a lifeguard.  This class was for 13-year olds, though some may have been 14.

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

15 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Perhaps instead of "persuading hard core for at least an hour" you bring him to the instructor and everyone have a talk together about what he did right and what he did wrong so that he knows what to improve upon next time. 

This is a great idea.  It's also great practice for college when he'll need to do it on his own.  I've had to encourage my kids to do this on several occasions with the college instructors. 

[MEmama]

39 minutes ago, PrincessMommy said:

This is a great idea.  It's also great practice for college when he'll need to do it on his own.  I've had to encourage my kids to do this on several occasions with the college instructors. 

High school is when my son has really learned to advocate for himself. It’s an essential life skill and 13 is definitely not too young to start learning, with you (the OP) scaffolding as needed. 

[PeterPan]

3 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

he wanted me to find the examiner and persuade her "hard-core for at least an hour" to pass him.  Don't worry, I don't plan on speaking to her

Were you encouraging *him* to talk with the instructor? It seems like that's the best way to resolve his hurt here. It's not like he's the only one who has ever failed a level with her, mercy. She'd know how to handle him, to explain what he struggled with and what he did well, and she'd probably encourage him to try again. Seems like he definitely ought to be talking with the instructor.

Besides, why in the world would he want to pass if he didn't deserve it?? I'd push that right back on him, because he doesn't want to pass if he's not ready; it's life/death for people that the person doing the tasks be ready, with all the skills.

It sounds like he worked really hard. If you were going to talk with the instructor privately (which I would, without telling him), you might find out whether she thinks it's a matter of being a poor fit or just needing another go round or more time. She may have some helpful feedback.

[alisoncooks]

9 hours ago, PeterPan said:

Besides, why in the world would he want to pass if he didn't deserve it?? I'd push that right back on him, because he doesn't want to pass if he's not ready; it's life/death for people that the person doing the tasks be ready, with all the skills.

This is probably what I'd want my kid to realize. The instructor has an obligation and cannot be persuaded to pass someone simply because they want it badly. 

I think it's a great idea to ask for insight on what he did wrong and how he can better prepare next time. 

[wintermom]

17 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

Update:  He came home from school happy last night and we did stuff together and he seemed happy.  He went to bed on time but half an hour later he came out of bed and told me he wanted to speak to me.  He told me that he had studied so hard so he wanted me to find the examiner and persuade her "hard-core for at least an hour" to pass him.  Don't worry, I don't plan on speaking to her and agree that he should take the class again.  I am still worried that the experience will make him feel bad about himself.  I am trying to counteract this by working with him on his study skills in general so he feels more confident in a classroom.  But I still feel sad for him.  At his age (and even much later) I could not see the bigger picture and took things very personally for a long time.

Just to clarify:  This is a lifesaving class, the first of several with the goal to eventually become a lifeguard.  He will not be eligible to take the later classes until he is 16 and only after that could he become a lifeguard.  This class was for 13-year olds, though some may have been 14.

I was a life-guard for a couple decades, and started my life-guarding training at age 13. I began guarding at age 14 or 15. In my own personal opinion, due to some deep reflection now as a 50+ mom, this age is too young. There could be people who handle this life-and-death responsibility very well and come out fine the other side, but I shouldn't have done this at such an early age looking back now.

Your son is sensitive. That you know already. Wait a few years. Work on his strokes, his self-confidence, and first-aid on land. Life-guarding will always be there. There is no rush. The trauma that he could and probably will experience as a life-guard isn't something that was was ever mentioned in any of my classes, nor did I realize the impact that it could have years later.

If your son is crying because of this "failure" (or setback) how is he going to react if someone dies in the pool under his watch. It's something that needs to be thought through.

Edited November 22, 2019 by wintermom

[klmama]

6 minutes ago, wintermom said:

The trauma that he could and probably will experience as a life-guard isn't something that was was ever mentioned in any of my classes, nor did I realize the impact that it could have years later.

This.  I know someone who had to save someone who was drowning on her first day on the job.  He survived, thankfully, but it really affected her.  

[SanDiegoMom]

Speaking as someone who had always tried to protect her kid from failure from elementary through high school, I have since learned HOW IMPORTANT it is that they have these experiences with failure early-- when the stakes are lower.  My daughter experienced crushing (to her) failure in her freshman year of college and it was a doozy. She was so confident she would get a job she applied for, convinced that she deserved it, and then she did NOT get it.  She just wanted it fixed, in any way possible, as soon as possible. Going up the chain, complaining, arguing back that she deserved it more than others.  I had to talk her down from that and direct her to a better course of action -- it took so long but she spent the entire next year being a pleasant and industrious worker that others could depend on, staying HUMBLE the entire time. And at the end of the year she not only was offered the job she was turned down for the previous year, but she also got a much higher position with more responsibility.  If she had just tried to argue for what she wanted and didn't get, she wouldn't have learned any of those lessons over the next year.  She has grown so much.  But I had to emphasize so much throughout that THAT growth was what the actual goal was, not trying to get the job she didn't get before. So that she could have success that was achievable rather than something that sometimes is out of her control. 

So that's a long winded way of saying how to fail is often a more important skill to learn.  Maybe not constant failure, but definitely every once in awhile! So stand firm and redirect him to the longer term more intrinsic rewards that come with dealing gracefully with failing and picking oneself back up again. 

[Suzanne in ABQ]

You've received a lot of really good advice upthread, but I would like to ask one more question, which may or may play a part in his distress.  Did he know, or is he friends with the other kids in the class who did pass?  If so, might he feel embarrassed for not passing, or perhaps be disappointed that he won't be moving on to the next level with his friends? If so, will there be an opportunity for him to repeat the class in time to move on to the next level with his cohort?  

[wintermom]

10 hours ago, klmama said:

This.  I know someone who had to save someone who was drowning on her first day on the job.  He survived, thankfully, but it really affected her.  

I had to rescue a lot of different people - babies, young children and adults. I also had to do my own spinal rescue on my own the first day at a new pool. They had no spinal board. I was the only guard on duty. The young lady sustained a spinal injury, but she's alive. By this time I was 26 and had already been a guard for over a decade, thank goodness, but I can still remember every minute of that day and all the things I could have done better.

Edited November 23, 2019 by wintermom

[MaBelle]

I might sound heartless here but not learning how to deal with failure is what's wrong with a lot of kids today.  Tell him to straighten up and deal with it.  13 is too old to be acting this way, sensitive or not.  If you fail then you work harder.  End of story.

[MaBelle]

On November 22, 2019 at 6:33 AM, alisoncooks said:

 The instructor has an obligation and cannot be persuaded to pass someone simply because they want it badly. 

 

Exactly.   If wishes were horses....

 

[catz]

Honestly, when I read this I would worry this kid isn't having enough chances to fail, lose, fall short, and take corrections well.  Or even just to have experience with life isn't fair sometimes, oh well.  My kids would have not have had la reaction anything like this at 13 and  both of them have a tendency to be sensitive and even anxious at times.  It sounds like he's a long way from being a competent and confident life guard.  There can be a huge difference in physical capabilities of varying 13 year olds.  My 13 year old son was TINY at 13 but had friends over 6 feet tall.  

I'd be trying to find some regular activities for him where he will get corrections and learn something incrementally.  A sport can be great, music lessons, theater, etc.  For one of my kids music lessons was HUGE.  The first year or 2 were pretty tough and very tiny steps but her perfectionism and ability to take corrections has evolved to be so much more mature and it reflects in other areas.  For kids especially where many things come easy, I think this is a  good thing to think about learning along the way.