Hard dealing with b!tchy relative and parties JAWM

[Ginevra]

I mean, there’s a part of me that wants to say, Let’s just cut the crap: you don’t like me and I don’t like you. So let’s just agree to stay out of each others lives so we can quit going through the same horse poop year after year. 

I sent a mailed invitation to dd’s grad party (it was today; it was wonderful) to the b!tchy relative but never heard a response from her. (Nothing new there because *sigh* RSVP doesn’t mean anything to anyone anymore, I guess.) But since I think it’s pretty important to know whether I need food for sixty people or thirty, I sent follow-up messages to a bunch of people, including Her B!tchiness. 

She sent me an email, saying, “oh, I didn’t know about the party; I must have missed the email. We will be out of town (her and her husband) and won’t attend.” I responded, “It wasn’t an email, it was a paper invitation.But okay. Have fun.” She replied, “well, we moved, so I guess you sent it to our old address.” Now - this is true. They did sell their house and I did forget about that when I sent it. BUT! That’s why they have postal forwarding. She got the invitation. There’s really no doubt in my mind. Besides which, in instances where I have missed an invitation to something and cannot I attend, I would go, Oh my gosh! I’m sorry; I didn’t know! And now I’m afraid I can’t come. Best wishes to your daughter, though! 

Anyway. She’s b!tchy; I know this; it doesn’t surprise me much and I’m happier having a party without her. But here’s what kills me: her husband did show up today. It’s fine with me that he showed up anyway, but it bothers me more that she said they would be out of town. She acts like she has something against my daughter. I don’t know if that’s just, “I hate the whole lot of ya!” Or what. But she acts like she refuses to acknowledge my daughter. Her husband came and talked with me for several minutes about my girl’s future plans, and also about my cancer treatment. So, I’m not sure how that went down in their household, if maybe she told him she didn’t intend to go and he said, well I’m going. 

It doesn’t matter, really; I just hate the charade. This dd will most likely get married in the next couple of years and I wish I could just not invite that b!tch. But civil people don’t do that. It’s tempting, though. 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! 

[PeachyDoodle]

(((Hugs))) 

Sometimes relatives suck.

Maybe your dd will opt for a small wedding and you'll have an excuse not to invite the BR!

[Selkie]

25 minutes ago, Quill said:

It doesn’t matter, really; I just hate the charade. This dd will most likely get married in the next couple of years and I wish I could just not invite that b!tch. But civil people don’t do that. It’s tempting, though. 

There's a lot of freedom in being uncivil. 😛

[mmasc]

It does sound like she’s no fun at all, but I’m glad your dd’s party was wonderful! So, let’s get to more important matters...how’d you serve the fruit?😉😁

[catz]

That's really weird. Could they be having marriage problems?  She does sound like a real prize. 

I have an ex-SIL my brother has decided to live with again who is a lot like this.  I've decided they'll get an invite from me for every sincere invite and positive interaction with them.  Well that has been zero times the past couple years.  My mom now instigates any get together.  

[Garga]

When your dd gets married in a few years, send the paper invitation to the old address.  They’ll never get the invite but you can honestly say you sent it. “What? You mean they don’t do address forwarding after 4 years?  My bad...so sorry you missed the wedding...”

😄

Edited June 9, 2019 by Garga

[gardenmom5]

bless her heart....

I'm so sorry.  some relatives are here to allow us to practice our patience.   dh drove my grandmother absolutely bats by being excruciatingly polite and cheerful with  her.  your relative seems like she would respond similarly.

congratulations and best wishes to your daughter.

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

(((Hugs))) 

Sometimes relatives suck.

Maybe your dd will opt for a small wedding and you'll have an excuse not to invite the BR!

1dd has announced (to us) she will elope when/if she gets married.  just because there are extended family members with whom she'd prefer to not share the day.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, mmasc said:

It does sound like she’s no fun at all, but I’m glad your dd’s party was wonderful! So, let’s get to more important matters...how’d you serve the fruit?😉😁

Naked, on a divided tray. Blueberries in a bowl with a spoon. It was delicious; the fruit was one of the bigger hits. 

I made 48 cupcakes and very few of them were eaten. I bought slices of pound cake from the store bakery and provided a can of pressurized whipped cream (two things I hardly ever do) and many more people make a strawberry shortcake than ate cupcakes. Also, my vegan brownies were gobbled up, which totally surprised me, because four vegan guests didn’t come! 

I have soooooo many cupcakes still here...

[Guest]

4 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

That's really weird. Could they be having marriage problems?  She does sound like a real prize. 

I have an ex-SIL my brother has decided to live with again who is a lot like this.  I've decided they'll get an invite from me for every sincere invite and positive interaction with them.  Well that has been zero times the past couple years.  My mom now instigates any get together.  

Anything is possible, of course, and I wouldn’t know, but I doubt it. I think she probably got the invitation, but on the late side because of mail forwarding, was disdainful about my having sent it to her former address, and probably answered my inquiry in her bitchy manner without even mentioning the party to her husband. Then, when her husband was speaking with one of the other family members, they probably asked if he was attending and I can imagine him being mad she answered for him in the negative. 

Ugggh. Relatives. 

[Chris in VA]

Um, not to disregard the rest of your thread, but vegan brownie recipe please? 😁 link is fine...

[Guest]

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

1dd has announced (to us) she will elope when/if she gets married.  just because there are extended family members with whom she'd prefer to not share the day.

My dd has considered out loud before how it doesn’t make sense to have a big wedding where you have to pay for a bunch of cousins, aunts and uncles you never otherwise spend time with. She has said before something like, “I’d really rather just havea party that’s mostly my friends.” 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

Um, not to disregard the rest of your thread, but vegan brownie recipe please? 😁 link is fine...

It’s this one: https://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2012/09/06/no-flour-black-bean-brownies/

As a side benefit, they can be made gluten-free. 

[Ausmumof3]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

Naked, on a divided tray. Blueberries in a bowl with a spoon. It was delicious; the fruit was one of the bigger hits. 

I made 48 cupcakes and very few of them were eaten. I bought slices of pound cake from the store bakery and provided a can of pressurized whipped cream (two things I hardly ever do) and many more people make a strawberry shortcake than ate cupcakes. Also, my vegan brownies were gobbled up, which totally surprised me, because four vegan guests didn’t come! 

I have soooooo many cupcakes still here...

Because brownies.  Of course. Vegan or not.

[Melissa in Australia]

if the relative is so awful why do you invite her in the first place?

[Guest]

34 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

if the relative is so awful why do you invite her in the first place?

Because it would be a serious breech of protocol to leave her off. No, no; we must go through the pretense for each ocassion. 🙄 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

but why?

 I don't understand

I wouldn't invite some obnoxious person form up the road so why would I invite some obnoxious relative?

Just because they are a relative doesn't mean they need red carpet and free invites to everything. I don't understand this concept

 

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

but why?

 I don't understand

I wouldn't invite some obnoxious person form up the road so why would I invite some obnoxious relative?

Just because they are a relative doesn't mean they need red carpet and free invites to everything. I don't understand this concept

 

Well, I wish I felt at liberty to do that, but I don’t. I’m sure she would have not invited us to my nieces weddings if she felt free to only invite people she likes. She’s in my life and will keep turning up to things where I also turn up. In just a couple of weeks, my niece will have a grad party and she will almost certainly be there. (She likes that niece.) 

[Valley Girl]

5 hours ago, Quill said:

I have soooooo many cupcakes still here...

And that's a problem because? You must really be bothered by this relative, Quill. Surely as a long-standing member of the Hive, you know that lots of leftover cupcakes is a good thing. It means more for you! Glad you were able to enjoy your daughter's party without the irritating relative.

[scholastica]

2 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

but why?

 I don't understand

I wouldn't invite some obnoxious person form up the road so why would I invite some obnoxious relative?

Just because they are a relative doesn't mean they need red carpet and free invites to everything. I don't understand this concept

 

It would cause extended family strife to not invite a sibling and their spouse in a lot of American families. We all just pretend to like everyone on our families. I'm sure there are families out there in which everyone gets along with all their siblings and spouses and aunts and uncles and cousins, etc. but I have yet to see one.

[gardenmom5]

8 hours ago, Quill said:

My dd has considered out loud before how it doesn’t make sense to have a big wedding where you have to pay for a bunch of cousins, aunts and uncles you never otherwise spend time with. She has said before something like, “I’d really rather just havea party that’s mostly my friends.” 

these are family members with whom dd'd rather not spend time with. the chiefest inspiration can hardly complain, when her own daughters chose to get married somewhere else so their own grandmother couldn't' attend (nor could anyone else.).   

having to deal with her right now about other things... I'm trying to be patient and extend grace by considering circumstance....and biting my tongue a lot.

[mom2scouts]

Dh was complaining today about the annoying things his sister posts on FB. Other than him seeing her FB posts, we haven't had contact with her for at least 15 years. She uses and abuses people and there's no reason I have to put up with that. I don't regret it one bit and I highly recommend it. If the extended family doesn't like it, they're welcome to invite anyone they want to their parties, but they don't get to tell me who gets invited to my house. (Fortunately, in my case, the extended family feels the same way about her.)

[Guest]

2 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

Dh was complaining today about the annoying things his sister posts on FB. Other than him seeing her FB posts, we haven't had contact with her for at least 15 years. She uses and abuses people and there's no reason I have to put up with that. I don't regret it one bit and I highly recommend it. If the extended family doesn't like it, they're welcome to invite anyone they want to their parties, but they don't get to tell me who gets invited to my house. (Fortunately, in my case, the extended family feels the same way about her.)

Well, I can only hope that, in the next few years, she will move to another state and then, it is likely we will see her no more than perhaps every four or five years, probably only for a death in the family. There’s a good chance this will happen, so maybe we shall get lucky. 

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Valley Girl said:

And that's a problem because? You must really be bothered by this relative, Quill. Surely as a long-standing member of the Hive, you know that lots of leftover cupcakes is a good thing. It means more for you! Glad you were able to enjoy your daughter's party without the irritating relative.

😄 It’s a LOT of cupcakes. Ds has yet another baseball game today and we plan to bring them there so we can hopefully divest ourselves of some of the excess. 

[Guest]

5 hours ago, HeighHo said:

I would be thrilled if my obnoxious relative didn't show up and just sent the spouse....Debby Downer here just has to come and spread her stink over everything as she fills her doggie bag.....

Well, I am happy she didn’t come. I’m just mad that she lied about her dh being out of town - she literally said “we are both out of town” - and it appears like she answered for him. It just bothers me that she’s so mean. We were once good friends. I don’t understand people with such a mean way about them. 

[Melissa in Australia]

8 hours ago, scholastica said:

It would cause extended family strife to not invite a sibling and their spouse in a lot of American families. We all just pretend to like everyone on our families. I'm sure there are families out there in which everyone gets along with all their siblings and spouses and aunts and uncles and cousins, etc. but I have yet to see one.

 What a strange custom. I had never heard of it before 

 Here we just invite whatever relatives we want to. except funerals

I get on much better with some relatives because we  are not forced to see each other. just a phone call every 5 years or so. 

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Melissa in Australia said:

 What a strange custom. I had never heard of it before 

 Here we just invite whatever relatives we want to. except funerals

I get on much better with some relatives because we  are not forced to see each other. just a phone call every 5 years or so. 

 

Sounds pretty awesome. It’s not like that here. The culture here is, unless you’re writing the person off forever and you don’t care if you turn up at the same picnic in two weeks, you invite. Chances are, they don’t like you either and they won’t attend anyway. But there’s really no room for, “yes, we invited all the other aunts, but not you, Sue, since we don’t like you and we know you aren’t fond of us, either.” 

[Carol in Cal.]

6 hours ago, Quill said:

Well, I am happy she didn’t come. I’m just mad that she lied about her dh being out of town - she literally said “we are both out of town” - and it appears like she answered for him. It just bothers me that she’s so mean. We were once good friends. I don’t understand people with such a mean way about them. 

I’m with you.  There is nothing that fries me more than someone lying to me. 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Funny ‘difficult wedding guests’ story—a friend of mine in college had a lot of relatives who would get very obnoxiously drunk if they had the chance.  So at their wedding reception there were two bowls of punch, implying one was spiked and one was not.  I tasted them both on behalf of my date, who was Filipino and couldn’t tolerate any alcohol at all.  I drew what I thought was a reasonable conclusion, and we both drank the non-alcoholic one.  

About half an hour later my date told me he thought that I picked the wrong one because he wasn’t feeling well.  So I took the groom aside and asked him straight up which was which—and neither had booze.  He had adjusted the proportions to make one taste more sour than the other, but it didn’t actually have an alcohol in it.

My date had psyched himself into thinking he was drinking, and actually nobody was.  It was pretty funny.

[Katy]

So in the future instead of paper invites just text the spouse that showed up.  If he drags his awful wife along so be it, but you won't be directly inviting her but you will still have invited them.  If they didn't get the paper invite they must have missed it.

[Shoeless]

Reminds me of my sister in law.  She does snotty things like this with invitations. Another of her favorite moves is to wait until the day before a holiday to invite you over, and then act miffed when you say you already have plans and can't come. "I try sooooo hard, and they never accept my invitations!"  Oh, please...

[easypeasy]

Oh gosh, there's always one isn't there? lol

We had a pretty much opposite family drama situation!

At my wedding, my uncle (dad's oldest brother) came without his wife of ~25 years, which surprised me. He said that she was "busy with work." Both sides of my family converged a full week before the wedding, so he was here for quite a while.

A few days in, I get a letter in the mail from my aunt. She said Uncle had "just up and left without her" and that she was so sorry to miss my big day and so sorry that my uncle was such an @$$. 😂 😕

About a year later, we went on a family trip and stopped by their house overnight to meet up with all the family (we were all loading up and car/RV-pooling to the vacation destination together). She stayed in her room and never came out to say hello. Said she had the flu (not flu season). So she never met my husband because she and my @$$ Uncle divorced later that year.

There's no doubt she was right (my uncle WAS an @$$ to HER), and I've always felt bad about it for her sake.

Typing this out makes me realize that I need to reconnect with that aunt. Uncle died in an accident many years ago and she is one of the few fond memories of my extended family in my growing-up years. I think I'm gonna make that happen this week.

 

[Guest]

7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

You get to a point in life where you figure you have nothing to lose. My neighbor hung out with me the other day because her son saw us in the yard and they wanted to join us. I said sure. But eventually I said I didn't think she'd want to hang out since she blocked us (yes, blocked) on facebook. She said she regretted that (I dunno) and said I didn't do anything wrong. /shrug. I would have totally called out your relative LOL. "Nice to see you. I thought you guys were going out of town." Then he might stammer and say some lame excuse or maybe they genuinely canceled plans. The point for me isn't the answer. It's the way they answer. You can kinda get an idea if they're sincere or not. 

If he's a pleasant fellow, though, I might feel bad "grilling" him. But hey, sometimes those things bring closure. 

The mail forwarding... I suppose it's possible there was a kink in that. I mean I really thought that our school district was BSing me when they said they mailed out the letter to tell us if dd got into preK or not. I said to myself there's no WAY it took this many days for a letter to go across town. But then I found the letter in the PO Box later and the postage date on it was pretty accurate to when they said they mailed it so... maybe the mail just got held up. I didn't wait on the mail after a few days, though because I was convinced it wasn't coming. When dh had to call the school about something else I asked him to tell them we didn't receive a letter and we wanted to know if she got in. They gave him an answer on the phone although they had previously refused to do that over the phone. 

In the future I would either not invite her or invite her and not bother following up. You can follow up on every single person but their family and probably get a close enough head count. 

I did say something like this to him when he arrived. I said, “Hey! So glad you could make it; I didn’t think you were able to come!” He just smiled a little sheepishly and said nothing about his wife. I do think she is out of town because my niece was talking to my dd about a music event in Nashville where her mom was attending. 

As for the mail - it’s true she may legitimately have not gotten the invitation. (Although I do think she probably got it; there was another guest whom I invited which was an old address and it was returned to sender, so it seems likely to me that if the mail could get the one invitation returned to me, it could get hers forwarded to her.) It’s more in her response. If she would legitimately have liked to come and didn’t know, her response would have been different. I also just know how self-centered and petty she is from years of observing her doing petty things, so it’s not hard for me to imagine her speaking for her husband just because I made a mistake in the addressing. 

[Guest]

7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I'm not disagreeing with you about whether or not she's a b!tch btw. Unless she chats with the family about these events/sees them on social media, does she even need to know about them? Sounds to me like she was just trying to save face and doesn't care if she's invited or not so therefore I would cut myself slack if I saved a stamp and didn't invite her or did invite her and didn't follow up. I'm not getting some Manners award here but yeah... 

Haha, you can take my word for it, she’s a very narcicistic, selfish person. 😏 She is unfriended from my social media, but she would absolutely, definitely know about the party. The extended family is tight-knit and it would absolutely get around to her. I have a notion that the husband heard about it from another brother because they were at my nephew’s baseball game together. (IOW, he probably never saw the invitation, but his brother mentioned it at baseball.) Also, all three of her grown kids were invited with their partners/spouses. (One niece came.) So any of them may have mentined it. Another SIL also mentioned the party on the text chain about my MIL’s care; i.e., “Are you bringing MIL up for the graduation parties?” 

So, basically, it is impossible to not invite a family member and have that go unnoticed. I do think it’s true I could have not followed up, because I think she would try to find herself busy no matter when she got the invite. But I didn’t want it to be on me. I’m happier for the family to see that the b!tchiness is on her; I tried. 

[madteaparty]

It seems it was kind of nice of her not to show up then? Because if it’s impossible for you not to not invite her, it seems it’s required for her to attend, and she spared you? 

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, madteaparty said:

It seems it was kind of nice of her not to show up then? Because if it’s impossible for you not to not invite her, it seems it’s required for her to attend, and she spared you? 

Oh, I’m totally hapy she didn’t come and it’s not required for her to attend. It just bothers me that she lied and spoke for her husband. He obviously was both available and inclined to come. 

[shawthorne44]

On 6/8/2019 at 10:28 PM, gardenmom5 said:

1dd has announced (to us) she will elope when/if she gets married.  just because there are extended family members with whom she'd prefer to not share the day.

One idea that I read for dealing with the bad relatives,particularly if they aren't local.  You throw an engagement party for her.   Those that truly like the engaged couple will come to the party.   Then when the party is really started, the couple disappears for a bit to change clothes, then Surprise! they have a wedding ceremony.   It is a cross between a wedding and eloping.  

[Catwoman]

On 6/9/2019 at 3:02 PM, Quill said:

Well, I am happy she didn’t come. I’m just mad that she lied about her dh being out of town - she literally said “we are both out of town” - and it appears like she answered for him. It just bothers me that she’s so mean. We were once good friends. I don’t understand people with such a mean way about them. 

 

Well, it was nice of her dh to show up... and then there is the added bonus that Mrs. B!tchy Liarpants was probably seething when she found out that her dh attended without her. 😉

[Guest]

7 hours ago, HeighHo said:

 

His plans may have been work related and changed after she declined on their behalf.  

As the person who is keeping the social calendar in her house, she does get to speak for her family unit, which includes her husband.   That's not a JAWM, but that is real life.

 

There’s enough backstory experience here for me to imagine she spoke for him because she wants to control his ability to come; she wasn’t coming and so didn’t wish for him to, either. That is her M.O. 

I also disagree with the procedure you are touting; I keep the social calendar for our family as well, but I don’t dictate what dh attends or not. If I were not going to be home when we were invited to some family event, I would say, “Hey, honey. There’s a grad party on June 8th; as you know, I will be in Nashville, but do you want to go?” I do not believe she did this. I think she was irritated that I sent it to the wrong address (because she is very self-centered like that; she thinks things pertinent to her life should surely be important to everybody else) and in her irritation, she snapped back that they were both out of town. I do not believe she mentioned it to him or notified him at all; I think he learned of the party from the other brother mentioning it and because a SIL mentioned it on a text chain. 

I’m pretty much past thinking the best of her. I have seen her behavior play out for decades and the scenario I just described is in keeping with her normal behavior. 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

Well, it was nice of her dh to show up... and then there is the added bonus that Mrs. B!tchy Liarpants was probably seething when she found out that her dh attended without her. 😉

She was probably mad that he went in spite of her “helpfully” RSVPing for him in the negative. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

I'm not suggesting she dictates what her dh accepts; I'm suggesting she goes with the joint desires.  Since neither she or he received a mailed invite, a text invite or an emailed invite for your soiree, she had other things on that date.  Luckily for you, her engagement didn't require him, and he could come.   Really all you had to do to was give him or her a call on the day after RSVPs were due, and the whole thing would have been cleared up.  

If you truly believe she throws away invitations, you could just email, phone, or text him in the future.

If you don't want her attending, you can do what my inlaws do...text or phone him when the event starts, as its likely she will already have plans; then he can decline if he is busy or he can run right over.  You can also do the 'bridal party'...that means all the desired relatives come over, the rest are not invited.  

 

I did email her once the RSVPs were due. (Over my dead body would I call her on the phone.) It didn’t “clear things up.” She replied they were not coming and then, when the day arrived, he came. 

I’m very inclined to put you on ignore, Heigh Ho. You love to pick apart my posts. You don’t know what “JAWM” means, or what? 

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

 

Feel free to SOB.

JAWM is one thing. HATE is another.  How do you think your relatives will feel reading your posts?   I encourage you to get counseling instead of modeling HATE to the next gen.

Nvm. 

 

Edited June 12, 2019 by Quill

[Scarlett]

10 hours ago, HeighHo said:

 

His plans may have been work related and changed after she declined on their behalf.  

As the person who is keeping the social calendar in her house, she does get to speak for her family unit, which includes her husband.   That's not a JAWM, but that is real life.

 

What the what!? No, no adult should speak for another adult.   Good grief.  

And Quill is NOT full of hate.  She has a decades long relationship with and knowledge of this woman, so you are out of line chastising her  over her comments about her in law.  

 

[Scarlett]

My husband and I rarely do anything without the other.  But this spring I attended two weddings and 3 showers associated with those weddings which he declined to attend.  He was morally opposed and felt his presence would condone the marriages.  I was opposed as well, but felt my attendance would be an effort at love and healing.  

Different adults make different decisions. 

[TravelingChris]

 

 

 

 

3

On 6/9/2019 at 8:13 PM, Carol in Cal. said:

Funny ‘difficult wedding guests’ story—a friend of mine in college had a lot of relatives who would get very obnoxiously drunk if they had the chance.  So at their wedding reception there were two bowls of punch, implying one was spiked and one was not.  I tasted them both on behalf of my date, who was Filipino and couldn’t tolerate any alcohol at all.  I drew what I thought was a reasonable conclusion, and we both drank the non-alcoholic one.  

About half an hour later my date told me he thought that I picked the wrong one because he wasn’t feeling well.  So I took the groom aside and asked him straight up which was which—and neither had booze.  He had adjusted the proportions to make one taste more sour than the other, but it didn’t actually have an alcohol in it.

My date had psyched himself into thinking he was drinking, and actually nobody was.  It was pretty funny.

We did the same thing.  No alcohol at our very small wedding receptions because of my dh's brother's alcohilism.  Of course, he left and went and bought a six pack but that wasn't all that many for him.