(S/O) Making Friends for kids and adults

[Pen]

I feel like making friends is an important topic coming out of another thread, but don’t know how to address it.  Please feel free to jump in with better direction!!!

Lack of close friends seems like a major problem for children and adults, whether homeschooling or not.

In my own life, it almost seems like it has just been a matter of chance, of luck, to make a good friend or not ...  whereas I see other people who seem to be more skilled at friendship making 

 

 

What have you found helpful to find, make, deepen and keep friends for yourselves and your children, whether homeschooling or at brick and mortar school?

What challenges do you have in finding friends?

If you have overcome them, how?

Have you had to move to somewhere else ?

Are there types of groups or activities that seem to help either for you or your children or both? And if so, what?

[freesia]

What I have found that works is what I call face time—showing up to almost everything for 6 months or so.  During that time, if it’s a homeschool group, inviting likely families over or to meet at the park. Then volunteering to lead something or help with something for the group is also important.  I tend to do more activities than I’d comfortable for me and I stretch my comfort zone during this time.  Then I try to get together one in one for coffee with the women I like. My dh has trouble making friends. Sometimes I think he’s too picky and he doesn’t put the intense time in bc he’s tired or something.

Mykid who has a harder time making friends doesn’t like to initiate.  I spend a lot of time telling him that initiating is a way you signal interest in friendship.

[HS Mom in NC]

I moved across the country 1 year ago.  The only person I knew here was my cousin who I had seen 5-6 times in childhood.  We're in our mid-40's. I invited her family over for lunch within 2 weeks of arriving.  We hit it off OK, so I invited her to breakfast with just the two of us.  We do that at least once a month now.

When we were closing on the house I spotted the next door neighbor in her yard.  I walked over and introduced myself and made chit chat. "Hi, I'm Lisa, we're buying that house and moving next month.  We have one 13 year old daughter at home.  How do you like the neighborhood?  Do you have family in the area? Where are you from?  It sure is beautiful here.."  etc. That put the word out that there was a new kid coming the neighborhood. When husband moved in (a week ahead of us) neighbor kids stopped by on the way home from the bus stop and knocked on the door to meet 13 year old.  He told them when she'd be here.

A week to 10 days after we got there 13 year old had met the kids and they played together outside, but no adults showed up to greet us or introduce themselves.  I'm not one sit and lament it, so I told daughter we'd go meet the neighbors.  We knocked on a few dozen doors, introduced ourselves and chit chatted.  I hate chit chat, but what else is there to do in that situation? "Hi, I'm Lisa, and this is daughter, we wanted to introduce ourselves. We just moved into that house over there with my husband, Tim.  How do you like the neighborhood?....  Are you from the area?.... Where are the best places to eat?.... " etc. That usually gets the conversational ball rolling.

I then sent out survey asking people if they would like to participate in a block party, what kind of block party they would like, what they would like to bring, and what time and date they preferred.  I gave them my contact information and permission to just drop it in my mailbox in front of my house. We had about 25 people participate.  We invited one of the older couples over because we seemed to have a lot in common with them and enjoy their company.  They had us over once too. 

When attending a church I go to the small group and social event outside of worship services times. Do I necessarily enjoy that?  Not always, but it's a way to meet people.  I introduce myself to everyone I don't know and I always make chit chat with them. It's not my nature to want to do that, but let's face it, it's a numbers game.  I'm probably going to have to filter through a lot of people before I find someone I connect with, so I may as well get to it. I have yet to witness anyone initiate a real introduction here at the half dozen churches I attended.  It's just the token smile and a, "Hi, how are you?" as they shake your hand and walk away from you.  Real introductions involve asking questions of the person you introduce yourself to get to know them a bit-people here don't that, so I have to.

I joined the homeschool groups in my area.  Again, I introduce myself to everyone I don't know and chat with them. I have learned that the vast majority of Americans act like Ladies in Waiting hoping someone will come woo them.  They expect the other person to initiate things.  You could die of old age waiting for that to happen, so just bite the bullet, jump out there, and do it even if it's contrary to nature.  Urinating in a toilet is contrary to nature, but we work with kids on that and expect them to master it.  I can override my nature and initiate things because I'm a grown up.

I connected with one of the women at the homeschool group, so I told her, "I enjoy our chats.  We should get together sometime.  Would you like to meet for coffee next week?" She said yes, so I immediately asked, " What day and time? " It's usually a mistake to not get straight into the details because that can fizzle quickly. Sometimes they need to get back to you, but trying to get details hammered out right away shows you really mean it. The next day she texted me that she had a group of mostly homeschool moms who get together once a month for a different kind of cuisine (Yemeni, Thai, Tanzanian, Peruvian, etc.) and dessert.  I accepted and now that's part of my routine too.  Sometimes she and I get together one on one and every month we meet up with the group. Our husbands are in the same line of work (programmers) so we got together as a couple and may do that again.

At Christmas time we invited all the nearby neighbor kids over to make chocolate mice and other treats, package them, and deliver them to some of the neighbors along with a Christmas carol. 

When new people move into the neighborhood my family shows up at their door within the week in the evening with a bouquet of flowers in hand for them and we welcome them. We chit chat for about 15 minutes or so, getting to know them a little better.

One of my goals this year is to have each family near me in the neighborhood over for dinner.  Yes, I'll walk up to their house and explain, "Hi.  We've always enjoyed getting to know our neighbors better, so would your household like to join us for dinner? .... When is good for you?  Do you have any dietary restrictions?" When we're outside and one of our neighbors walks by we wave and usually chat with them.  We introduce ourselves if we haven't met yet.

In 4 years I'll be 50 so I'll join the local Red Hat Society chapter.  They're women who really do wear red hats and purple clothes as they go out and about doing things.  That's contrary to my nature, but it's a way to meet people, and if you have conversational and listening skills you can filter through the group figuring out who might be a better match for some small group or one on one socializing outside of Red Hatter events.

[SKL]

I am certainly not an expert, but I will just chime in anyway.

First of all - sometimes I feel like friends are a net liability.  As an extreme introvert, it's quite an effort and stressful for me to hold up my end of an active friendship.  And now I get to worry about other people's problems as well as my own.  Personally I am not one to share my burdens IRL except in rare cases.  But if someone tells me they have a problem, I feel like I should do something ... but I'm not sure what / how much.  Then if I say or do the wrong thing I will feel badly about that forever.  Ugh!

That said ... I am fine chatting people up if there is no obligation.  It rarely grows to much more, and I am fine with that.

[At this point I should mention that I am terrible at remembering names & faces of adults.  It's like 50 First Dates, friendship version.  I still don't know the names of most of the people at the church I've been attending for 9 years ... and I do attend the small group Bible studies etc.  I suppose being unable to remember who you talked to is an impediment to making friends!]

Will I suffer for lack of friendships when I'm old in a rocking chair?  Hard to say.  I tend to keep a running conversation in my head either way, LOL.  Does it beat having best lifelong friends and watching them die or having them watch you die?  I honestly don't know.  (This all could be the ASD that runs in my family.)

My kids, because they go to b&m school and activities, have their own friendship opportunities.  It seems important to them.  I sort of set them up by choosing a church with a school, so they would know the kids and have a lot of time with them over the years ... and now I make some efforts to include their good friends in our fun stuff.  I haven't moved since 1995 and hope I won't have to ever again.  That said, we have very few friends in our neighborhood, because we don't do stuff together with our neighbors.  The few who have minor kids are busy like we are, doing different activities and going to different schools.  So far that has worked fine for us.

(My own friends are from school or work days.  Most of us see each other very rarely as we live all around the planet.  We would not have a "help each other" arrangement, but we enjoy catching up from time to time.)

Edited May 27, 2019 by SKL

[Pen]

39 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I moved across the country 1 year ago.  The only person I knew here was my cousin who I had seen 5-6 times in childhood.  We're in our mid-40's. I invited her family over for lunch within 2 weeks of arriving.  We hit it off OK, so I invited her to breakfast with just the two of us.  We do that at least once a month now.

When we were closing on the house I spotted the next door neighbor in her yard.  I walked over and introduced myself and made chit chat. "Hi, I'm Lisa, we're buying that house and moving next month.  We have one 13 year old daughter at home.  How do you like the neighborhood?  Do you have family in the area? Where are you from?  It sure is beautiful here.."  etc. That put the word out that there was a new kid coming the neighborhood. When husband moved in (a week ahead of us) neighbor kids stopped by on the way home from the bus stop and knocked on the door to meet 13 year old.  He told them when she'd be here.

A week to 10 days after we got there 13 year old had met the kids and they played together outside, but no adults showed up to greet us or introduce themselves.  I'm not one sit and lament it, so I told daughter we'd go meet the neighbors.  We knocked on a few dozen doors, introduced ourselves and chit chatted.  I hate chit chat, but what else is there to do in that situation? "Hi, I'm Lisa, and this is daughter, we wanted to introduce ourselves. We just moved into that house over there with my husband, Tim.  How do you like the neighborhood?....  Are you from the area?.... Where are the best places to eat?.... " etc. That usually gets the conversational ball rolling.

I then sent out survey asking people if they would like to participate in a block party, what kind of block party they would like, what they would like to bring, and what time and date they preferred.  I gave them my contact information and permission to just drop it in my mailbox in front of my house. We had about 25 people participate.  We invited one of the older couples over because we seemed to have a lot in common with them and enjoy their company.  They had us over once too. 

When attending a church I go to the small group and social event outside of worship services times. Do I necessarily enjoy that?  Not always, but it's a way to meet people.  I introduce myself to everyone I don't know and I always make chit chat with them. It's not my nature to want to do that, but let's face it, it's a numbers game.  I'm probably going to have to filter through a lot of people before I find someone I connect with, so I may as well get to it. I have yet to witness anyone initiate a real introduction here at the half dozen churches I attended.  It's just the token smile and a, "Hi, how are you?" as they shake your hand and walk away from you.  Real introductions involve asking questions of the person you introduce yourself to get to know them a bit-people here don't that, so I have to.

I joined the homeschool groups in my area.  Again, I introduce myself to everyone I don't know and chat with them. I have learned that the vast majority of Americans act like Ladies in Waiting hoping someone will come woo them.  They expect the other person to initiate things.  You could die of old age waiting for that to happen, so just bite the bullet, jump out there, and do it even if it's contrary to nature.  Urinating in a toilet is contrary to nature, but we work with kids on that and expect them to master it.  I can override my nature and initiate things because I'm a grown up.

I connected with one of the women at the homeschool group, so I told her, "I enjoy our chats.  We should get together sometime.  Would you like to meet for coffee next week?" She said yes, so I immediately asked, " What day and time? " It's usually a mistake to not get straight into the details because that can fizzle quickly. Sometimes they need to get back to you, but trying to get details hammered out right away shows you really mean it. The next day she texted me that she had a group of mostly homeschool moms who get together once a month for a different kind of cuisine (Yemeni, Thai, Tanzanian, Peruvian, etc.) and dessert.  I accepted and now that's part of my routine too.  Sometimes she and I get together one on one and every month we meet up with the group. Our husbands are in the same line of work (programmers) so we got together as a couple and may do that again.

At Christmas time we invited all the nearby neighbor kids over to make chocolate mice and other treats, package them, and deliver them to some of the neighbors along with a Christmas carol. 

When new people move into the neighborhood my family shows up at their door within the week in the evening with a bouquet of flowers in hand for them and we welcome them. We chit chat for about 15 minutes or so, getting to know them a little better.

One of my goals this year is to have each family near me in the neighborhood over for dinner.  Yes, I'll walk up to their house and explain, "Hi.  We've always enjoyed getting to know our neighbors better, so would your household like to join us for dinner? .... When is good for you?  Do you have any dietary restrictions?" When we're outside and one of our neighbors walks by we wave and usually chat with them.  We introduce ourselves if we haven't met yet.

In 4 years I'll be 50 so I'll join the local Red Hat Society chapter.  They're women who really do wear red hats and purple clothes as they go out and about doing things.  That's contrary to my nature, but it's a way to meet people, and if you have conversational and listening skills you can filter through the group figuring out who might be a better match for some small group or one on one socializing outside of Red Hatter events.

 

 

I hugely appreciate all these specifics!

 

I’m already over 50 and signed up for Red Hat Society and so far haven’t gotten past sending a bunch of messages out to anyone on site I identified as being in my area, from which I got only one reply and so far no face to face meeting.  I think I probably did it wrong.   But I should try to turn the one reply into a irl meeting before my year membership is up!

[JennyD]

I have found that the best way to make friends is to invite acquaintances over for a meal at my house.  Co-workers, kids' friends' parents, colleagues visiting from out of town, etc.  Usually I invite for either Friday night dinner or Sunday brunch.   

Sometimes if someone is new to town I will also invite other established friends whom I think the new family will like, and I have made several successful friendship 'matches' this way, which makes me especially happy.  

 

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm honest and up front about my difficulty with names when I meet someone for the first time. "Hi, it's nice to meet you.  I'm very bad at remembering names, so I'll probably ask you yours again at least another half dozen times."  I have never had anyone react badly to that and the most common reaction I get is commiseration and relief.  When I ask again I say, "I probably asked this before a time or two, but what's your name again?  I'm so terrible at remembering names."

[Garga]

For me, it’s the things that meet regularly that spark friendships.  

When we moved here 15 years ago, I had a 1 yo baby.  I joined the church’s mom’s bible study group that met twice a month.  We’d do the bible study and then chit chat for a few minutes after that.  One woman said, “Anyone who wants to talk more, come to my house!  I have a big pot of soup!”  I went to her house.  She did that twice a month for years upon years.  I’m still friend with the people who came to her house.  Even though she invited everyone, only a core group would come, and those are the people I’m still friends with.

I joined the church’s photography club which met twice monthly.  I developed friendships with the people there.  Slowly, we went from meeting just for the club to inviting each other to each other’s houses.  I’m still friends with two of the people from the club, even though the club ended about 5 years ago.

One woman that I met in the club didn’t come very often, but we kinda hit it off.  We’d bump into each other every 5 months or so.  Two years ago, I said, “I go to the movies every Tuesday night.  You want to come?”  I meant for one week.  Tuesday night was my alone time.  She came and thought I meant every week and said, “Ok!  That was great!  See you next week!”  And my alone time ended, but now I’m very close friends with her because we see each other weekly.  We sit in the car and chat for about 2 hours after we get back from the movie.  

Then I went ahead and invited another friend to come to the movies too.  She doesn’t stay to chat in the car afterwards, but she comes every week.  And she and I make a point of meeting and getting lunch together every few weeks.  She’s retired and lonely and it works out nicely for us both to get away together for lunch.  

We met a family and seemed to be a good match for both spouses.  The kids get along fairly well.  It was touchy for a bit because one of my sons didn’t get along with the girls as much, but we kept meeting up about twice a month on a Saturday night to hang out.  They’re now very good friends.

For all of the above, we meet regularly 2-4 times a month and that’s what helps the friendships to form.

However, I also have a smattering of friends that I don’t get to see that often.  I mark it on my calendar to meet up with a random friend every 3-4 months.  Like, I see Pam every August, December, and April for a long lunch where we catch up.  I see Jo-Ann every 3-4 months but on a different rotation from Pam.  Same with Brandi, though she’s moving away soon.  And I’m adding a new friend into the rotation this summer.  I’d love to get together with those guys more often, but for Pam and Jo-Ann we live an hour away from each other, so it’s hard to connect often.

I also started a group that meets for dinner every 4 months or so.  It’s another collection of random people that I knew one-on-one and realized they’d all probably get along really well and they do.  So, every 4 months or so, we go out together to a restaurant that’s usually pretty empty and we sit there from about 6 until closing at 11.  We warn the server and try to tip well.  

For the one-on-one lunches and for the group dinner, I always make the overture—I am the one who puts it on the calendar and then contacts everyone to set up a time to get together.  

 

So:  Join groups where you will see people regularly at a function.  If you hit it off a bit with someone at the function, break out of the function and meet together at each other’s homes or in a restaurant on the side.  Be ok with being the one to initiate every get together.  Put notes on your calendar to remind yourself to set up time to hang out with people so that half a year doesn’t go by before you realize you haven’t done anything with anyone (very easy for me to do!)

Edited May 28, 2019 by Garga

[mom2scouts]

I've been feeling a bit down lately because I've realized I don't really have any good friends right now and those I really cared about have all moved away and moved on. Years ago there was a couple we'd never seen at our church who walked up to us in the hall, introduced themselves, and invited us to join a Bible study they were starting. I'm an introvert and could never imagine walking up to someone like that, but we agreed to join them. They were about 12 years older than us and became mentors and later friends and my dh and I adored them. That's the perfect example of Homeschool Mom in AZ's plan to put yourself out there and see what happens. This couple was military and moved often, so they were good at meeting people. Years later they moved to a nearby state and we were able to stay in touch, but then they moved again further away and have a life that doesn't involve us anymore. We've only seen them once since the last move and I miss them. In that class we also met another couple who were in the same stage of life. For years we spent New Year's Eve with them, went camping, and did other fun things with them. As our children got older and developed different interests, we grew apart and then they moved several states away. I miss them too. We found out they were in town for their daughter's wedding. We weren't really upset that we weren't invited despite knowing the girl since she was a toddler, but we didn't even know they were in town or that she was getting married that weekend and that stung a bit. Other friends have things going on in their lives that make it so hard to ever get together. Now I spend most of my time with the parents of my kid's teammates. We get along OK and may go out to dinner after an activity, but when we stop the activity, the relationship is over too. I guess if I'm going to have friends at this stage of my life, I'm going to have to get outside my comfort zone and, when I find someone I get along with, invite them to do things with me.

 

[Garga]

9 minutes ago, mom2scouts said:

When I find someone I get along with, invite them to do things with me.

 

 

It’s a lot easier than it sounds.  Send a message or call, “Hi Olga, how about we get together in the next couple of weeks for lunch?  I’m free X, Y, and Z.”  

And if they’re too busy, then try with someone else.  Some people really are stretched too thin and they might not be in a place to add a new friend to their lives. 

[*****]

This is a timely subject, I was just thinking about that tonight while scrubbing the sink. (It's good to hear others have a dialogue going on in their heads, too!)  I'm fairly introverted too, so I find it hard to make small talk, especially in getting to know others.  

With my kids grown, I'm feeling the way I used to before having kids, since I don't have many social connections anymore given we are finished with the sport and school crowds...Just thinking, hmmm, there is that feeling again, how to make friends.

So I am listening, and appreciating the good advice, especially with Bible camps coming up this summer, that is a good idea.  I have been checking out the Meet-up groups.  Anyone have experiences with those, either good or not so?  Any advice?  It's tough, because even there, people will have already formed their 'groups', so as a newcomer, will they welcome another?!  Just might have to try it I guess..

[HS Mom in NC]

My oldest used the Bumble BFF app to meet new friends when she moved. She said you really need to pay the $9 fee.  The free version isn't as useful.

There are other apps.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a24799641/best-friendship-apps/

Edited May 28, 2019 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[Guest]

16 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I moved across the country 1 year ago.  The only person I knew here was my cousin who I had seen 5-6 times in childhood.  We're in our mid-40's. I invited her family over for lunch within 2 weeks of arriving.  We hit it off OK, so I invited her to breakfast with just the two of us.  We do that at least once a month now.

When we were closing on the house I spotted the next door neighbor in her yard.  I walked over and introduced myself and made chit chat. "Hi, I'm Lisa, we're buying that house and moving next month.  We have one 13 year old daughter at home.  How do you like the neighborhood?  Do you have family in the area? Where are you from?  It sure is beautiful here.."  etc. That put the word out that there was a new kid coming the neighborhood. When husband moved in (a week ahead of us) neighbor kids stopped by on the way home from the bus stop and knocked on the door to meet 13 year old.  He told them when she'd be here.

A week to 10 days after we got there 13 year old had met the kids and they played together outside, but no adults showed up to greet us or introduce themselves.  I'm not one sit and lament it, so I told daughter we'd go meet the neighbors.  We knocked on a few dozen doors, introduced ourselves and chit chatted.  I hate chit chat, but what else is there to do in that situation? "Hi, I'm Lisa, and this is daughter, we wanted to introduce ourselves. We just moved into that house over there with my husband, Tim.  How do you like the neighborhood?....  Are you from the area?.... Where are the best places to eat?.... " etc. That usually gets the conversational ball rolling.

I then sent out survey asking people if they would like to participate in a block party, what kind of block party they would like, what they would like to bring, and what time and date they preferred.  I gave them my contact information and permission to just drop it in my mailbox in front of my house. We had about 25 people participate.  We invited one of the older couples over because we seemed to have a lot in common with them and enjoy their company.  They had us over once too. 

When attending a church I go to the small group and social event outside of worship services times. Do I necessarily enjoy that?  Not always, but it's a way to meet people.  I introduce myself to everyone I don't know and I always make chit chat with them. It's not my nature to want to do that, but let's face it, it's a numbers game.  I'm probably going to have to filter through a lot of people before I find someone I connect with, so I may as well get to it. I have yet to witness anyone initiate a real introduction here at the half dozen churches I attended.  It's just the token smile and a, "Hi, how are you?" as they shake your hand and walk away from you.  Real introductions involve asking questions of the person you introduce yourself to get to know them a bit-people here don't that, so I have to.

I joined the homeschool groups in my area.  Again, I introduce myself to everyone I don't know and chat with them. I have learned that the vast majority of Americans act like Ladies in Waiting hoping someone will come woo them.  They expect the other person to initiate things.  You could die of old age waiting for that to happen, so just bite the bullet, jump out there, and do it even if it's contrary to nature.  Urinating in a toilet is contrary to nature, but we work with kids on that and expect them to master it.  I can override my nature and initiate things because I'm a grown up.

I connected with one of the women at the homeschool group, so I told her, "I enjoy our chats.  We should get together sometime.  Would you like to meet for coffee next week?" She said yes, so I immediately asked, " What day and time? " It's usually a mistake to not get straight into the details because that can fizzle quickly. Sometimes they need to get back to you, but trying to get details hammered out right away shows you really mean it. The next day she texted me that she had a group of mostly homeschool moms who get together once a month for a different kind of cuisine (Yemeni, Thai, Tanzanian, Peruvian, etc.) and dessert.  I accepted and now that's part of my routine too.  Sometimes she and I get together one on one and every month we meet up with the group. Our husbands are in the same line of work (programmers) so we got together as a couple and may do that again.

At Christmas time we invited all the nearby neighbor kids over to make chocolate mice and other treats, package them, and deliver them to some of the neighbors along with a Christmas carol. 

When new people move into the neighborhood my family shows up at their door within the week in the evening with a bouquet of flowers in hand for them and we welcome them. We chit chat for about 15 minutes or so, getting to know them a little better.

One of my goals this year is to have each family near me in the neighborhood over for dinner.  Yes, I'll walk up to their house and explain, "Hi.  We've always enjoyed getting to know our neighbors better, so would your household like to join us for dinner? .... When is good for you?  Do you have any dietary restrictions?" When we're outside and one of our neighbors walks by we wave and usually chat with them.  We introduce ourselves if we haven't met yet.

In 4 years I'll be 50 so I'll join the local Red Hat Society chapter.  They're women who really do wear red hats and purple clothes as they go out and about doing things.  That's contrary to my nature, but it's a way to meet people, and if you have conversational and listening skills you can filter through the group figuring out who might be a better match for some small group or one on one socializing outside of Red Hatter events.

Multi-quote isn’t working for me, but I also agree with @Garga - it is easiest for me (maybe this is an introvert characteristic?) if it’s a regularly-occurring thing. If I can get a routine thing happening with someone we are so much more likely to become real friends, not merely acquaintances. 

I also really like what @Homeschool Mom in AZ said repeatedly about doing it even if you are not super comfortable, even if it’s not really “you.” I am VERY introverted and love to just be at home with my books and my cat. But it’s hard to make friends in my sunroom with a book and a cat. So I go out of my way to join a book club or a writing group or a cooking club or whatever. I try to be the “Yes!” person, rather than finding excuses (those are so easy to find) for not doing this, going there, putting out the invitation. 

I have observed what people who are good at establishing themselves somewhere new do. I had a good friend who was military and so, moved around a lot. (I say “had” because she no longer lives here, either; we are still friendly but no longer active friends.) She joined the homeschool co-op and took very visible jobs. She made a strong effort to talk to people and learn about them. She invited me to get lunch at Panera and then began this little “ritual” of splitting a cookie with me. Those little rituals solidify a friendship. I don’t think I would have ever thought of doing that, but it immediately makes two people feel like they have this thing, this shared ritual - we split a sugar cookie and say it’s so we aren’t getting all the calories/carbs. 🙂 She was very proactive about establishing friends; due to short-term stays, she didn’t have the “luxury” of slowly warming up to people. 

I also agree with what @Homeschool Mom in AZ said about going directly to plans when you get the “we should get together” conversation done. If you wait, it probably won’t ever happen. You’ll just keep on saying, “we should get together and play board games, I agree!” You gotta get to, “what night/days are best for you? How about this Thursday night?” 

[Pen]

Bumping this thread!

 

I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one struggling and hugely appreciate the specific ideas being shared!

[Carrie12345]

To be completely honest, my challenge isn’t finding people, it’s finding people I *like.

When we first moved here, I didn’t make much of an effort at all. I had 3 young kids, a husband who travelled, and I didn’t really plan to be here long-term. And I was fine with that. 

Once I did put in the effort, I met tons of people. My son’s school people, my development’s volunteers, homeschool people, library people,  and eventually more circles of homeschool people, firehouse people, environmental people, political group people, acquaintances of acquaintances...  And they’re mostly perfectly fine people to be acquainted with and some that I call friends, but only a few that I want to actually be close to and do things with outside of group-specific activities. 

Yeah, I’m an introvert. And a prickly one, at that! The friends I love the most are, too. It takes a lot for us to find one another, lol.

[Murphy101]

2 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

To be completely honest, my challenge isn’t finding people, it’s finding people I *like.

.....

And they’re mostly perfectly fine people to be acquainted with and some that I call friends, but only a few that I want to actually be close to and do things with outside of group-specific activities. 

 

I actually think this is very much the norm regardless of personality type. 

It’s one thing to be involved in a larger community and know many people. To have acquaintances. It’s an entirely other kettle to have a close friendship. Those kinds of friendships are 1 in a dozen of the people we may know and we may only develop 1 or 2 every dozen years or so. 

I’m ridiculously blessed NOW to have 4 good friends that we have carried each other through every God awful moment in life and every profound joy too. Those friendships would probably outlast my marriage if it came down to the wire to be honest. But I didn’t always have those four friends.  It took years to find those people one by one.

[Murphy101]

I agree with much of the previous information though I haven’t been able to read it all.

What I have done, keeping in mind a lot of kids and a low budget -

Coffee. Seriously. Your house does not need to be big. Mine was 10 of us in a 1000 sq ft house outside of town. So not even convenient! Once a week I would host a play date at my house. I’d always have a kid friendly snack like cookies and coffee/tea and we’d toss the kids outside or if it rained there’s be board games and the parents could chat. Some seasons I’d schedule it at local parks. In the summer, we’d meet up at 7am to beat the heat and crowds and eat dry boxed cereal or bagels.  It was flexible. Whatever I needed to do to make one day a week easy and casual for conversation for fellow parents. Breaking bread or having coffee/tea with someone is an age-old ritual for building bonds and positive memories.

[mumto2]

On 5/27/2019 at 5:11 PM, Pen said:

 

I’m already over 50 and signed up for Red Hat Society and so far haven’t gotten past sending a bunch of messages out to anyone on site I identified as being in my area, from which I got only one reply and so far no face to face meeting.  I think I probably did it wrong.   But I should try to turn the one reply into a irl meeting before my year membership is up!

I have been wondering how Red Hat worked out for you.  Did you find your areas group on Facebook?  I have looked around here for Red Hat but not on Facebook because I don’t do Facebook..  Oddly I wouldn’t mind trying this group.  Probably because my mom had so much fun with them.

eta.........I just did a new search on my new browser and think I get how Red Hat now works.  I think I was in England when I searched before.   Thirty dollar membership fee to main organization then they let you have area contacts.......supposedly there are 32 groups in my area.  Is this what you did?

I will be based in the US again in the fall and am wondering about my friend situation.  I have a few acquaintances where we will be living but no real friends.......For that last dozen years I have networked like mad to make friends and it’s exhausting. Because of my American accent I was forgiven if I decided not to continue with a group without any hard feelings.  Not sure that starting and leaving will be as easy here.  Not sure I am up to throwing myself out there continuously knowing that in the end I MIGHT find myself with a couple of real friends.  

  I am mid fifties and am finding all sorts of senior groups but not the multi age groups I would prefer.  Even women’s bible study at my church has two groups and the one that I prefer timewise is all seniors.  So I haven’t joined either but next fall plan to join and probably the daytime senior group.  I enjoy evenings with hubby and kids when they are home and don’t want to create a schedule that conflicts continuously with what I already love.

All I seem to be doing is deciding what I don’t want to do.  I am pretty irritated with myself over this.  I will get myself moving but I am so not in the mood for this!  I am probably going to start by contacting the home ed moms I used to know with grown kids.  😉

Edited May 29, 2019 by mumto2

[J-rap]

What I've learned in my 50's is  1) Many people are looking for friends, even if they seem well-connected and already immersed.   2) It's up to me to make the effort (at least at first).   3) I actually enjoy a lot of different types of people, not just people like me.  I think I used to be stuck thinking a good friend would be a woman my age with all the same things in common.  I've learned that I really do enjoy other people as good friends too -- even ones who on the surface seem very different than me.  In fact, it's kind of refreshing!

Probably my main two ways of meeting new people are through natural interests and meetings (book clubs, church events, even business transactions, etc.), and reaching out to others in a helpful way -- like bringing a plate of food to a new neighbor, offering to help someone find their runaway dog, etc.

Oh one other thing I'll add...  I've also gotten less patient with chit-chat and tend to jump into more meaningful topics sooner rather than later, even with people I barely know.  I sincerely love to hear people's life stories and ideologies, so if they seem open to talking about it, I'll ask a lot of questions.  (Obviously if they show signs of not wanting to talk about it, I don't pry.)  Having conversations like that has the potential to move a friendship along faster.  But even if it doesn't lead to a friendship, I always leave feeling that if we were to meet up again, there would be a special connection nevertheless.

[SKL]

As far as introvert vs extrovert ... as an introvert, I really enjoy the company of extroverts.  Opposites attract and all that.  I find the way they attend to us introverts very nice.  The problem is that it isn't a balanced friendship until I have something to give them.  If I can help them out with their area of weakness, that is great.  Otherwise it just doesn't work in the long run.

My best friend is an extrovert.  There are many things I can and do help her with.  Like writing, organizing thoughts and space, heavy lifting, and being an ear.  Another [late] extrovert friend enjoyed my sense of humor and a few other things.  But for those who really only need someone to be like them, it's not gonna work, even though I may like them very much.

[Pen]

4 hours ago, mumto2 said:

I have been wondering how Red Hat worked out for you.  Did you find your areas group on Facebook?  I have looked around here for Red Hat but not on Facebook because I don’t do Facebook..  Oddly I wouldn’t mind trying this group.  Probably because my mom had so much fun with them.

 

I don’t use FB either.  Red Hat has its own website that I got access to after paying my money. It has PM boxes, some threads and so on.

Our area has around 8 groups, but they mostly don’t seem to be functioning.  

One seems to function and I made contact with its leader by email or text, but haven’t been able to get past that.  I think it might officially be full, perhaps. But none of the others seems to respond or have meetings or more than two members, mostly just the leader.  Perhaps others like me who were unsuccessful at getting replies decided to try to start their own group, but then don’t respond to new hopefuls.  Perhaps they don’t even look at the website because it’s too discouraging. 

I’ll try again for that single  one who responds at all, and go for the “How about on such and such day at such and such place?” approach suggested here.  

4 hours ago, mumto2 said:

eta.........I just did a new search on my new browser and think I get how Red Hat now works.  I think I was in England when I searched before.   Thirty dollar membership fee to main organization then they let you have area contacts.......supposedly there are 32 groups in my area.  Is this what you did?

 

That’s what I did.

 

I’ll try again.

 

But probably I need some more active functioning thing.  

 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

As far as introvert vs extrovert ... as an introvert, I really enjoy the company of extroverts.  Opposites attract and all that.  I find the way they attend to us introverts very nice.  The problem is that it isn't a balanced friendship until I have something to give them.  If I can help them out with their area of weakness, that is great.  Otherwise it just doesn't work in the long run.

My best friend is an extrovert.  There are many things I can and do help her with.  Like writing, organizing thoughts and space, heavy lifting, and being an ear.  Another [late] extrovert friend enjoyed my sense of humor and a few other things.  But for those who really only need someone to be like them, it's not gonna work, even though I may like them very much.

My experiences have been similar. The nice thing about my extroverted friends is they are proactive about connection, which is helpful for an intro like me. My extro friends are also more likely to pursue good activities; they are the ones who know when the wine festival or free concerts in the park are happening and they actively plan to go. 

But! When I have had friendships go sour, it has more often been my extro friends, and it has more often been because they resent my rest-on-my-laurels ways. When I have had friends who want me to be a certain way, to the point of demanding it for the friendship, these were extroverted friends. (Not that it’s happened many times.) I have had two friendships end for this reason. 

When I was dating, I also found I did not like high-maintenance guys. One thing that attracted me to dh was that he didn’t smother me. He was doing his thing. It was a big difference from the guy before dh, who was like a hothouse flower who couldn’t survive without my attention. 

[mumto2]

6 hours ago, Pen said:

 

I don’t use FB either.  Red Hat has its own website that I got access to after paying my money. It has PM boxes, some threads and so on.

Our area has around 8 groups, but they mostly don’t seem to be functioning.  

One seems to function and I made contact with its leader by email or text, but haven’t been able to get past that.  I think it might officially be full, perhaps. But none of the others seems to respond or have meetings or more than two members, mostly just the leader.  Perhaps others like me who were unsuccessful at getting replies decided to try to start their own group, but then don’t respond to new hopefuls.  Perhaps they don’t even look at the website because it’s too discouraging. 

I’ll try again for that single  one who responds at all, and go for the “How about on such and such day at such and such place?” approach suggested here.  

 

That’s what I did.

 

I’ll try again.

 

But probably I need some more active functioning thing.  

 

I did find a sort of separate group of people who paid the higher price and had a queen’s club.  They looked way too intense in their group picture for me,  huge hats and I am so not a hat person.  I am hoping to get away with a fascinator type hair accessory if I do this..😉  They obviously actively meet a few times a year.  I am assuming they have their own smaller groups.

When my mom did it when a group grew beyond capacity they separated the group in two and added a new leader........first time they did it by preference for evening or daytime meetings.  The second split was by side of county for the daytime group.

[Shoeless]

17 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I actually think this is very much the norm regardless of personality type. 

It’s one thing to be involved in a larger community and know many people. To have acquaintances. It’s an entirely other kettle to have a close friendship. Those kinds of friendships are 1 in a dozen of the people we may know and we may only develop 1 or 2 every dozen years or so. 

 

I only realized this to be true within the last year.  I know a great many people, but they are not all close friends, and that is ok.  It is kind of how it's supposed to be, because it's simply not possible to be in so deep with everyone you meet. 

It's taken 5 years, but I now have 3 pretty good friends among several "regular" friends.  The "good" friends are ones that I'd help move or run a garage sale with them, lol.  I have lots of buddies and pals that I wouldn't go out of my way to make plans with, but I'm always delighted to see them at events.  

I think social media promotes an unreasonable expectation of female friendship: everyone is supposed to have dozens of besties they share everything with.  Lots of "girls weekends" and "love your tribe!"  There is a level of intensity there that rivals new romantic relationships.  I haven't had that kind of a friendship with another female since high school.  It just doesn't seem sustainable.  I know several women that feel vaguely defective because they don't have that kind of friendship as grown women with job, spouse, home, and kids.   

I also see that pressure being pushed down on to the kids, especially in homeschool groups.  "My 9 year old doesn't have a best friend. What am I doing wrong?"  Is your child happy?  Then you are doing nothing wrong.  

[klmama]

I don't really have a "best" friend, in the same way as in high school, and that's fine;  I don't know how I'd handle that kind of intense relationship now on top of everything else.  I do have a couple of good friends that I really like who always are excited  to hear from me when I finally get around to calling, and that encourages me.  I think sometimes we think everyone else is having more fun and better friendships, and we don't realize they have tedium and overwhelming stuff, just like we do. 

[mom2scouts]

3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I don't drink coffee but if someone invited me I would go and try to find something to order. I feel like no one wants to do anything nowadays in my network. Well, that's not totally true. Someone I know recently started a brunch page on facebook. The goal is to schedule a once a month ladies' brunch. I don't know how many members on the page, but there are several. I didn't make it to the first brunch and I doubt I'll make it to the next because it's the weekend we travel to see family for the 4th of July. I can already see the replies, "that weekend doesn't work", "we have xyz going on" etc. It's just so hard to get anyone together. 

Evenings or weekends are best for me, but I find so many other women will not go out at night or on the weekend unless it's with their immediate family. That's "family time." Oh come on, don't you see those people enough? 😉

I have a friend who tried to schedule a ladies night out once a month. She would make it on different weeks to try to allow more people to come at least sometimes. She also tried to find places like a food court, Panera, or cafe area of a fancy grocery store that sold prepared foods so that people could choose to buy food, just a drink, or nothing at all (or sometimes bring their own) so that it didn't have to cost anything for those who couldn't afford to eat out. It was really fun when it worked out, but some months she couldn't even get two people to show up and would cancel. She didn't continue it after the year was over, but I appreciated the effort and did enjoy it when I could attend.

[HS Mom in NC]

So the tricky part is getting critical mass for a regular group meet up.  My monthly Cuisine Ladies group that I've attended for the last 6 months has never had more than 7 people at most, but rumor has it there are currently about a dozen people in the group.  There are people I haven't met, and people I've only seen once.  I couldn't attend this month because my oldest and her husband flew in town for the week. Last month the crud was going around so a couple of people with littles stayed home with sick kids.

So again, this is all a numbers game.  Have that easy, regular occurring thing that you keep inviting lots of people to and work the room as much as is realistic so you can find that small number of people to invite to your own thing without conflicting with the big one.  The big one is the feeder group, the small one is the keeper group.

And remember that people move and evolve.  You're not looking for that life long bestie, you're looking for a few good friends for this stage of your life.  Things could be very different in the next stage of life.  The good friends could move into new stages of their lives before you move to yours, so just develop and maintain this skill set, set realistic expectations, and get to it.

[HS Mom in NC]

14 hours ago, mumto2 said:

I did find a sort of separate group of people who paid the higher price and had a queen’s club.  They looked way too intense in their group picture for me,  huge hats and I am so not a hat person.  I am hoping to get away with a fascinator type hair accessory if I do this..😉 

I'd be very careful to avoid making assumptions about people based on their hats.

I'm definitely in the fascinator hat category too.  There are the ones I'm interested in. 

https://www.amazon.com/YING-LAN-Stewardess-Teardrop-Fascinator/dp/B01CJS2EB8/ref=sr_1_63?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-63

https://www.amazon.com/Fascinator-Headband-Wedding-Floral-Headwear/dp/B07F91S9CH/ref=sr_1_68?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-68

https://www.amazon.com/FADVES-Fascinator-Pillbox-Bowknot-Kentucky/dp/B07J6BBFMG/ref=sr_1_80?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-80

https://www.amazon.com/Coolwife-Fascinators-Pillbox-Sinamay-Feather/dp/B07KT5P8S9/ref=sr_1_102?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-102

https://www.amazon.com/Elegant-Wedding-Fascinator-Cocktail-Pillbox/dp/B07MSJLKJV/ref=sr_1_113?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225152&s=gateway&sr=8-113

https://www.amazon.com/Fascinators-Facinator-Headband-Cocktail-Headwear/dp/B07RMWFNRB/ref=sr_1_128?keywords=red%2Bfascinator%2Bhat&qid=1559225152&s=gateway&sr=8-128&th=1

 

The ones that have feathers can easily be modified.  Plucking a hat is something I'm able to do.

[mumto2]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I'd be very careful to avoid making assumptions about people based on their hats.

I'm definitely in the fascinator hat category too.  There are the ones I'm interested in. 

https://www.amazon.com/YING-LAN-Stewardess-Teardrop-Fascinator/dp/B01CJS2EB8/ref=sr_1_63?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-63

https://www.amazon.com/Fascinator-Headband-Wedding-Floral-Headwear/dp/B07F91S9CH/ref=sr_1_68?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-68

https://www.amazon.com/FADVES-Fascinator-Pillbox-Bowknot-Kentucky/dp/B07J6BBFMG/ref=sr_1_80?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-80

https://www.amazon.com/Coolwife-Fascinators-Pillbox-Sinamay-Feather/dp/B07KT5P8S9/ref=sr_1_102?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-102

https://www.amazon.com/Elegant-Wedding-Fascinator-Cocktail-Pillbox/dp/B07MSJLKJV/ref=sr_1_113?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225152&s=gateway&sr=8-113

https://www.amazon.com/Fascinators-Facinator-Headband-Cocktail-Headwear/dp/B07RMWFNRB/ref=sr_1_128?keywords=red%2Bfascinator%2Bhat&qid=1559225152&s=gateway&sr=8-128&th=1

 

 

 

The ones that have feathers can easily be modified.  Plucking a hat is something I'm able to do.

I really am not judging the actual people by their hats but thanks to my mom’s years of being in Red Hats  I do know some of the individual groups tend to be very into the attire.   Many of their meetings tend to be about the attire, fashion shows etc.  I know they have a great time but this isn’t what I really enjoy.....maybe a meeting a year with stuff to purchase.  Other Red Hat are in sweat pants and tend to meet less formally.......breakfast out and a walk through a garden or museum.    I am probably someplace in between but if I find myself with an opportunity to choose  I will pick the easier dress code for the majority of the meetings. 😂  I have been in lots of woman’s clubs over the years and have dealt with the dress codes, white gloves, etc.  Since I appear to have many groups in my area if I do this I will definitely put a bit of effort into finding a good fit for me.

I do know from life in England I hate dealing with hats and want to be able to get rid of it when it makes my head hurt.   So I am looking for a group where one can show up in a knitted cap or fascinator,  comment it’s a bit warm, and stick the thing in my purse........that was what many of my mom’s red hat friends did......

[BarbecueMom]

I was thinking about this today, and I realized that I, and many of the people I know, formed the closest bonds with people in shared dysfunctional environments.  I met DH and had my closest friends in high school band, which was dysfunctional in ways I am still unpacking years later.  I had close friends at a job that had so many issues with professional boundaries, but struggled socially in a job that was run like a tight ship.  DH’s best friend is from high school (band, again), and he made friends with a couple colleagues in an office that often had bizarre examples of strange and inappropriate behavior.  But in his current job, which was voted a “Best Workplace” and rightfully so, he’s not out-of-office close with anyone.  My mom’s very close circle of friends (who are all currently at the funeral for the mother of one of those friends) all worked together at a job 25 years ago that, I kid you not, had so many dysfunctional stories come out of it that you could have produced a reality version of The Office.  They have all moved on to other jobs, which were much healthier (if less hilarious) employers, but none ever made new, close friends.  They still have each other though.

I’m one of those people that believes every decision has a cost and consequence, even good and right decisions.  I wonder if the cost of avoiding unhealthy situations is the removal of a shared negative experience that builds relationships.  Maybe by trying to find “healthy environments” to seek out friendships, I’m actually shooting myself in the foot.

[Pen]

35 minutes ago, BarbecueMom said:

I was thinking about this today, and I realized that I, and many of the people I know, formed the closest bonds with people in shared dysfunctional environments.  I met DH and had my closest friends in high school band, which was dysfunctional in ways I am still unpacking years later.  I had close friends at a job that had so many issues with professional boundaries, but struggled socially in a job that was run like a tight ship.  DH’s best friend is from high school (band, again), and he made friends with a couple colleagues in an office that often had bizarre examples of strange and inappropriate behavior.  But in his current job, which was voted a “Best Workplace” and rightfully so, he’s not out-of-office close with anyone.  My mom’s very close circle of friends (who are all currently at the funeral for the mother of one of those friends) all worked together at a job 25 years ago that, I kid you not, had so many dysfunctional stories come out of it that you could have produced a reality version of The Office.  They have all moved on to other jobs, which were much healthier (if less hilarious) employers, but none ever made new, close friends.  They still have each other though.

I’m one of those people that believes every decision has a cost and consequence, even good and right decisions.  I wonder if the cost of avoiding unhealthy situations is the removal of a shared negative experience that builds relationships.  Maybe by trying to find “healthy environments” to seek out friendships, I’m actually shooting myself in the foot.

 

I’ve read this a couple of times. This is an interesting perspective.  It may be true that people are socially engaged within similar dysfunction or shared negative experiences.

it could even be another aspect of transplants versus people who have lived somewhere long term or their family has for generations 

[fairfarmhand]

I manage to draw close to people who have loved ones with mental illness. Those folks really get the weirdness that I live with. And it’s nice to have someone who doesn’t say things like “you should just hug them and tell them you love them.” When talking about stressful dynamics.

[Shoeless]

10 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

So again, this is all a numbers game.  Have that easy, regular occurring thing that you keep inviting lots of people to and work the room as much as is realistic so you can find that small number of people to invite to your own thing without conflicting with the big one.  The big one is the feeder group, the small one is the keeper group.

 

I'm in total agreement with everything you wrote, but the bolded part jumped out at me because there was another mom in our local homeschool group that did this regularly.  I'd schedule events and she'd schedule other events to conflict with mine and invite all the same people. It was exasperating.  

[Arcadia]

My close friends are mainly from my elementary (1st-6th) and middle (7th-10th) and we still “gossip” often using mainly WhatsApp and Messenger since we are spread on four continents (Australia, Asia, Europe, US).

The elementary friends still has strong bonds because we were latchkey “street children” together in an inner city (street gangs) kind of environment. 

The middle school friends still have strong bonds because that was the mental and emotional issues stage (depression, cross dressing, queen bee wannabee, aimless). So those years felt like Barry Manilow’s song I Made It Through The Rain. 

We relocated to the US in 2005. We are agnostic so we can’t “rely” on church for making friends. Surprisingly, friends (same rental complex) that I made when my kids were 2 under 2 are willing to help each other if needed.  

I do think some activities just naturally lend itself to ease of forming friendships. My kids have been attending tennis class since last June. They haven’t made any close friends but the coaches and staff looks out for them and me. I pay more because this location is not in my city but this location is much more caring then the one in my city. My kids are introverts and they feel they are treated as humans instead of as just paying customers.

Where I go for chemo is also based on the staff. The location I go to have expensive parking while the other location has free parking. However the staff are much better and they remember patients and their preferences. Majority are good listeners. 

What people tell me is that they appreciate good listeners and who extend grace (kindness). I am a chatty extrovert so for me to get acquainted with someone isn’t hard. Letting people talk without fear of criticism (or being look down) and making effort to know someone has help kept many of my friendships strong. 

[rebcoola]

I don't what the key is we have a great group of friends here like good enough we turned down the chance of a better job to stay here.  The only thing I can say about it really is it has a core of people who want to build a a community.  

We moved here 9 yrs ago and knew no one!! I signed up for a service that matches players with area soccer teams and was contacted by a guy starting a new co-ed team.  This guy and his wife had started the team as a community building effort so they put on a lot of events, practices, bbq's, viewing parties etc.  I will be honest and say that we didn't really click they were nice but we didn't have much in common except soccer, age and race.  But just through proximity we grew closer. 

We eventually tried their church during our church shopping.  Their small group invited us to lunch and we went.  Again everyone was nice, but it wasn't love at first sight. We liked the church and started going to their small group who happened to be working on loving one another and doing life.  So we were pushed out of our comfort zone a bit and asked to do things like have some one over without doing any extra cleaning.  It was uncomfortable at first to really be real with people but it did bond us.  Than we had a big project drop in our laps and had to plan a big event in just a couple days, food decorations, music and that really cemented the bond.  Several people in that group have moved away but they are still dear friends.  We are planning to spend a week with one of them this summer for our vacation.  

The original group are still friends but we have managed to incorporate new families over and over again.  Time, being real, and projects/community service.   We rarely do anything without someone from the group anymore.  That original couple we didn't really hit it off with are dear friends and they were the first people to meet our new baby.   

Anyone the thing I think i've learned is you really don't have to have tons of chemistry or in common.  You just need people who want relationships.  We chose to act like a loving community and now we truly are.  Sorry for rambling on

[Murphy101]

On 5/30/2019 at 4:29 PM, BarbecueMom said:

I was thinking about this today, and I realized that I, and many of the people I know, formed the closest bonds with people in shared dysfunctional environments.  I met DH and had my closest friends in high school band, which was dysfunctional in ways I am still unpacking years later.  I had close friends at a job that had so many issues with professional boundaries, but struggled socially in a job that was run like a tight ship.  DH’s best friend is from high school (band, again), and he made friends with a couple colleagues in an office that often had bizarre examples of strange and inappropriate behavior.  But in his current job, which was voted a “Best Workplace” and rightfully so, he’s not out-of-office close with anyone.  My mom’s very close circle of friends (who are all currently at the funeral for the mother of one of those friends) all worked together at a job 25 years ago that, I kid you not, had so many dysfunctional stories come out of it that you could have produced a reality version of The Office.  They have all moved on to other jobs, which were much healthier (if less hilarious) employers, but none ever made new, close friends.  They still have each other though.

I’m one of those people that believes every decision has a cost and consequence, even good and right decisions.  I wonder if the cost of avoiding unhealthy situations is the removal of a shared negative experience that builds relationships.  Maybe by trying to find “healthy environments” to seek out friendships, I’m actually shooting myself in the foot.

Everyone in the same foxhole is suddenly BFF to death strategy isn’t all wrong.  

I have done a lot of removing toxic relationships from my life over the years  and I do think that’s sometimes a sad necessity to mental health and stability.

I disagree with your conclusion though IF “healthy environment” means not being willing to step as Simons to people who open up about their crosses. I find many people who do that are not close to others.  

There’s been a lot of hot mess crazy crap you can’t make up for tv in my real life the last decade, especially the last few years. Stuff that I’ll be perfectly honest made me question how much *I* wanted to be in my own unhealthy environment. So I’m sure any sensible person trying to avoid unhealthy environments would have not considered me a good candidate for their lives.  BUT. Those who got my near hysterical calls and sat in my living room holding me? They are my close friends. And you know what? Their turn unfortunately came over the years when for various reasons they called me in tears.  And it never even crossed my mind to do anything but get over there to hold them ASAP. I never thought how I don’t need to deal with that crazy crap.  Who ever does? I just thought THIS is exactly what friendship is. And thank God for it. 

By all means if they are manipulative and abusive - putting up with that is not a requirement of anyone.  In fact, good friends call each other on their BS.

But we don’t control nearly as much as we think we do. NONE of the guano crazy that was going on in my life was my fault or doing - but I still had to deal with it every day and I still was impacted by it every day. And good friends don’t skip out when their friends need them because it’s just too messy to deal with and that’s a bother to their own lives. 

Edited June 1, 2019 by Murphy101

[Murphy101]

I need a sign for my door that says something like:

“In this house, we are Catholic, drink coffee, cuss and converse with comrades in confidence to avoid cleaning.”

Anyone who can cope with that is welcome at my play dates. They don’t even have to join in those things, just cope. Coping strategies are important life skills in all relationships. 😁

[Pen]

Little update here too— for first time, I’ll meet a person in real life from Red Hat Society next week.

[Alicia64]

I've made friends by regularly going to the dog park. It seems like doing fun activities can lead to friends -- although it takes time. Patience is key.

 

[*****]

I'm glad to see some good updates!

I had wanted to volunteer at VBS, but got busy that week cleaning out homeschool stuff.  Darn, now I remember why I wanted to volunteer, to meet other people, so will have to do it next year!

  Well, I did get my old homeschool stuff together for a curriculum sale and went to that 1 day.  I did sit next to a lady and  we struck up friendly , genuine conversation.  And it did feel good to bless others with my things, even when I gave some away because I really had to let go. I even had extra grocery sacks for people who looked like they were struggling because they forgot their bags.  You would have thought I gave them the moon, they were so thankful!  All good ways to meet people...

And, I was able to catch up with people I had known in my circle from years ago, so that was good to see them at the sale as well!  

[Pen]

On 5/30/2019 at 7:11 AM, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I'd be very careful to avoid making assumptions about people based on their hats.

I'm definitely in the fascinator hat category too.  There are the ones I'm interested in. 

https://www.amazon.com/YING-LAN-Stewardess-Teardrop-Fascinator/dp/B01CJS2EB8/ref=sr_1_63?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-63

https://www.amazon.com/Fascinator-Headband-Wedding-Floral-Headwear/dp/B07F91S9CH/ref=sr_1_68?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-68

https://www.amazon.com/FADVES-Fascinator-Pillbox-Bowknot-Kentucky/dp/B07J6BBFMG/ref=sr_1_80?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-80

https://www.amazon.com/Coolwife-Fascinators-Pillbox-Sinamay-Feather/dp/B07KT5P8S9/ref=sr_1_102?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225001&s=gateway&sr=8-102

https://www.amazon.com/Elegant-Wedding-Fascinator-Cocktail-Pillbox/dp/B07MSJLKJV/ref=sr_1_113?keywords=red+fascinator+hat&qid=1559225152&s=gateway&sr=8-113

https://www.amazon.com/Fascinators-Facinator-Headband-Cocktail-Headwear/dp/B07RMWFNRB/ref=sr_1_128?keywords=red%2Bfascinator%2Bhat&qid=1559225152&s=gateway&sr=8-128&th=1

 

 

 

The ones that have feathers can easily be modified.  Plucking a hat is something I'm able to do.

 

On 5/30/2019 at 9:14 AM, mumto2 said:

I really am not judging the actual people by their hats but thanks to my mom’s years of being in Red Hats  I do know some of the individual groups tend to be very into the attire.   Many of their meetings tend to be about the attire, fashion shows etc.  I know they have a great time but this isn’t what I really enjoy.....maybe a meeting a year with stuff to purchase.  Other Red Hat are in sweat pants and tend to meet less formally.......breakfast out and a walk through a garden or museum.    I am probably someplace in between but if I find myself with an opportunity to choose  I will pick the easier dress code for the majority of the meetings. 😂  I have been in lots of woman’s clubs over the years and have dealt with the dress codes, white gloves, etc.  Since I appear to have many groups in my area if I do this I will definitely put a bit of effort into finding a good fit for me.

I do know from life in England I hate dealing with hats and want to be able to get rid of it when it makes my head hurt.   So I am looking for a group where one can show up in a knitted cap or fascinator,  comment it’s a bit warm, and stick the thing in my purse........that was what many of my mom’s red hat friends did......

 

Update—

I had my first irl Red Hat meeting.  Sort of an intro.  I think I get to attend another meeting and be voted in or out by the group.  It’s an officially closed group, but since no open group in my area seems to be functioning, and it doesn’t want to split, I guess it’s what there is.  

Anyway, I like the women I met so far so I hope they will vote me in!

Feels a bit like “And Ladies of the Club” book

I wasn’t wearing a red hat, but do want to get one (or at least a fascinator ) because it seemed like it was an uplift to others around and also a conversation starter.  So I can also see going a bit funky or over the top.  Maybe not so much if only one person were dressed that way, but with more than one it got a lot of smiles and comments. 

I may just start with a sun hat though. Which I use a lot since melanoma anyhow.  And they mentioned picnic being a thing.  

 

[elegantlion]

I found my friends at college. Most of my friends were around 30 while I was in my late 40s. I have since become friends with some of my former professors, a few who are closer in age to me. It's nice to have someone to discuss age related issues with, he's male so no talking about hormonal issues really, but I tend to relate to men better than women and gravitated toward male friendships most of my life. 

When we lived in a small town, friendships were hard. Connections were either made through public school or the church, neither of which we participated in. Ds and I had each other and my parents - and we still like to hang out together. 

I've always been content with a small circle of friends, and after my divorce debacle, I have trust issues. I completely trust about 3-4 people in my life, consider 2-3 others close friends, and have a wider circle mostly of undergrad and grad school friends. 

Ds and I are very introverted, ds more so than me. We have two good extrovert friends that we like to socialize with. One is a bartender at our favorite bookstore/bar - yes it's a thing - so we'll go there and hang out. It's weird and cool to call your child a friend, I never thought we'd have this relationship. 

 

Time and presence have been the best two things for my friendships. As I said above, I don't trust people enough to be open with them. In the above friendships, it took a period of 1-3 years to reach that point. But we'd do things together, dinner, watching movies, school activities, etc. With ds, it's easy to trust him, he's been there through all of the crap and he's turned into a young man who fun to be around. 

I also reevaluated what I wanted out of a friendship. I want to feel valued not just busy. I don't need, nor do I have time for, twenty activities a week. I wanted to have meaningful conversations and stupid ones with the same people. My child is raised, I'm not married, and I'm old enough that I'm not going to be something/someone I'm not to fit into a group. As an introvert, I enjoy fewer interactions with people but ones that feel more sincere, not superficial. Facebook shows me all these events that my friends are hosting or attending. I couldn't do some of their schedules, I would burn out on people quickly. 

 

[QueenCat]

We've moved several times in our marriage. I jump into activities right away, diminishing as I find the right ones for us. Take lots of walks around the neighborhood usually helps me meet neighbors (we've always had a couple of good friends in our neighborhoods). I've started book clubs in the last two places we've lived. Current book club is the core of my good friends. 6 out of the 9 have the summer off. We do at least one social thing every week, outside of book club. A dear friend is a neighbor and in book club. We often find ourselves on the porch of one of our homes in the evenings. The key for me has been putting myself out there. 

[Guest]

I’m bumping this thread back to the current rotation because it’s such a good one to revisit. 😋