In your opinion, are men quicker to remarry?

[lavender's green]

My DH has made statements to the effect that he'd be living without a purpose if I were to die. Nothing like "woe is me, there's no woman to take care of me." He doesn't get man colds, either, for what it's worth. Anyway, to lose your purpose in life sounds devastating. I wouldn't be surprised if he had to remarry, lest he fade away and die.

I think I'd get my needs met through raising our young kids, my friends, maybe a job, etc. I don't know if I'd want to add a man to my life, or blend families, until the kids are grown, and by then I may not be interested. OTOH I'm pretty young. Family history suggests I could live another 60 years. That's a long time to go without companionship.

[Pawz4me]

In my circle it does seem that widowed men are more likely to remarry than widowed women, but I do agree with Farrar that it may have a lot to do with there being more women than men, and men tending to die earlier than women. So the pool of widowed women is larger than that of men, which makes it easy to get the perception that they remarry less than widowed men. Overall, who knows if that perception is right or wrong? Of the younger divorced people I've known from what I can remember it seems to be a fairly even split for remarriage.

I don't think I would remarry if DH were to die, for a number of reasons. As Jaybee mentioned, this is a time in my life I want to simplify. Starting a new marriage would certainly not do that! Also, financial. DH and I have planned well and worked hard to be in good financial shape for our older years. Why would I risk that? Also, even though our kids are grown men now, I wouldn't feel right stressing their lives by bringing a new person into their father's place. I just wouldn't. And I'm an introvert. I do like and need a little social interaction now and then, but while I might long for the companionship and having a special someone in my life . .  at the same time I don't think I'd be unhappy hunkering down on my own and leading a quiet, peaceful life. If I were to remarry it would have to be an absolutely perfect (IMO) person. The bar would be very, very high, and the man would have to stumble into my life. I wouldn't go looking.

Edited October 1, 2018 by Pawz4me

[Junie]

When my parents divorced, my mom married very quickly.  She left my father sometime in the summer (I was little, so I don't remember a lot of details), met my step-dad near Thanksgiving, divorce was finalized in February (I think), Mom remarried in March.

My father also remarried, but not until several years later.

[QueenCat]

9 hours ago, RootAnn said:

I'm not sure what 'young' means in this context. While I'm not old (90+), I certainly am not the spry young thing I used to be. I'd be completely lost without DH -- so much so that my kids know I'd fall apart if anything happened to him.

 

Under 60? Younger than expected? I'd fall apart if my dh died too. I can't even imagine losing him but know that one of us "will" die first. I would never plan on finding someone else but I've known several people that thought that way too & then were stunned when they found someone new.

[Ann.without.an.e]

8 hours ago, madteaparty said:

Exactly. It’s a bit boring by now tbh

 

My DH works with extremely wealthy clientele.  He has worked with the same company for 17 years so he has definitely observed trends.  Sadly a high percentage divorce their first wife (you know, the one who put up with the less wealthy years and had children with him) and remarry a woman at least 15 years younger and start another family.  DH has a hard time not telling them that they are jerks ?  Especially for the ones where the wife worked hard to put him through residency and helped pay off all of the school debt it took to be a top neurosurgeon (or whatever specialty they are in).  

 

[May]

I only know a couple of men who remarried quickly after their spouse died. One was less then 6 months and the other was less then a year. The first raised a lot of eyebrows because he was a pastor in a large church. My hubby said if I go first, he would never remarry. He said it’s because of our kids. They are adults but he thinks it would upset them. I’m very comfortable with my own company and doubt I would ever remarry. Hopefully, there will be grandkids one day and I would focus on being a great grandma. I also would do volunteer work in my church and community to have adult interaction.

[G5052]

Definitely in my circles. I'm at the age that I know some widowed and some who are divorced.

Those widowed while homeschooling remarried.

I know two who were divorced while homeschooling and remarried while the kids were in college/trade school/etc.

I know two who remarried who are currently separated. Both are really difficult situations involving drugs/alcohol.

The rest are still single.

[Ann.without.an.e]

26 minutes ago, OKBud said:

I am very amused by how the OPs husband was trying to puzzle it out mathematically, but without looking anything up ?, instead of looking around at how relationships actually go down in real time. 

 

 

I think because it was just such a random conversation and he reacted (quite negatively actually) to what I said rather than really thinking it though ?  He is very mathy and very logical, far more than me ?.  

[KarenNC]

When my mother died suddenly, my father (in his early 40s) started dating two weeks later (as in dyed his hair and started going to a singles group), was engaged in 3.5 months to a woman whose husband had died of cancer about 7 months before my mother, and was re-married by 8 months. When my step-mother died last year after a long illness, he was in his mid-70s. He told me repeatedly that a man will remarry within a year or not at all, and certainly seemed bent on accomplishing that, as he has expressed an intention or at least strong willingness to marry just about every woman he's gone out with since, but they haven't been willing, so he's now extending that timeline ? . Most have been widowed for a number of years (he won't date anyone who has ever been divorced). In several cases they've told him they have no intention of remarrying because they don't want to lose their benefits from their husbands' pensions, but are willing to go out and do things together. 

[Murphy101]

Yes, men are much quicker to remarry. 

For many reasons that all seem to boil down to they get a wife, not a husband. 

I mean, these days I wonder why get/stay married to my current husband, and I love him very much, but I doubt I’d ever remarry.  And that’s even though I like being married for the most part  

But if I could get a wife? Now that has some major incentives to it. I totally see the advantages of a sisterwife. Those brother husbands make zero sense though.

At a certain age, I think men desire wives for companionship. I know my dad did. He said hookers just were not the same. ?

But women tend to do a much better job of maintaining friendships to fill the space of husbandly companionship as they age. Men often seem to struggle with maintaining daily friendships over the years. I think that isolation makes them more likely to greatly desire remarriage. Whereas most women I know would simply continue on with their besties and church friends. 

Edited October 1, 2018 by Murphy101

[Heathermomster]

I've seen men (aged 30s) with young children remarry quickly, and the new wife was very young (aged early 20s).  It's like these men want a babysitter and a wife malleable enough to think the situation is a good idea.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

6 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

But if I could get a wife? Now that has some major incentives to it. I totally see the advantages of a sisterwife. Those brother husbands make zero sense though.

 

 

?  For real, that post needed a warning.  Like a "don't read with coffee in your mouth" warning.  ?

You have a valid point.  

Edited October 1, 2018 by Attolia

[shawthorne44]

17 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

Seriously? I always thought, you know, you reach that point in life where it's just not worth the hassle, lol.

 

The few men that are still interested and ... active are outnumbered by the women who are also.  So, the men can have a harem.  And then you throw in that they have lots of time to kill.  

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

38 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

....and a new reason to stay in my room if I'm ever in a nursing home. It'll be easy; I'm introverted anyway. No bingo for me, no sir. No thank you.

 

??  I'm dying here.  Where is that rotfl emoji ?

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

21 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

 

The few men that are still interested and ... active are outnumbered by the women who are also.  So, the men can have a harem.  And then you throw in that they have lots of time to kill.  

 

 

Ya'll have enlightened me to a whole new world I didn't know existed and now I have a real reason to fear old age ??

[shawthorne44]

12 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

Ain't that the truth! Seriously, though, I'm about to ask a question I probably shouldn't ask ....but out of unfamiliarity with nursing homes and their social climate and culture, in my mind I picture a scenario where all the elderly are all pretty well-supervised and I'm sure, um, you can't just drink tea in the common areas. Are residents just free to slink from one room to another for varying amounts of time unbeknownst to staff and others? Would you have the freedom to visit your neighbor for some tea...with your door shut for an indefinite amount of time?? With no one checking on you? This is how things are in a nursing home? That might be a bit unnerving and send up some flags...but then again, like I said, I have no idea how things are managed in a nursing home. I'm honestly curious about this.

 

If both are consenting, they can't stop people from visiting each other's rooms.  But, I've never heard of anything happening in a common area.  

In the elderly, it is the women that are the pursuers.  So, women uninterested have nothing to worry about.  
 

[Lady Florida.]

My anecdotal experience says yes, but so do many studies. Studies show than men are quicker to remarry than women and this is true for both divorce or the death of a spouse.

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

Ooooohhhh. Okay. And apologizing for derailing the thread. Continue on with whether women or men remarry most often!!

 

 

ummm...no I needed this derail because I had no many questions about this old age thing that I just didn't have the courage to ask.  ?

[Ann.without.an.e]

5 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

Ooooohhhh. Okay. And apologizing for derailing the thread. Continue on with whether women or men remarry most often!!

 

 

actually in general - I vote you to start a whole new spin off thread about how old people usually are when they stop drinking tea.  For real, this question has haunted me for years.  My father in law made a comment once that made it clear they stopped by mid 30's and that he thought it was normal for people to stop by 40's and I was horrified by that thought.

 

ETA - my DH is 8 years old than me so the thought was double horrifying for me!

Edited October 1, 2018 by Attolia

[Pawz4me]

19 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

Ain't that the truth! Seriously, though, I'm about to ask a question I probably shouldn't ask ....but out of unfamiliarity with nursing homes and their social climate and culture, in my mind I picture a scenario where all the elderly are all pretty well-supervised and I'm sure, um, you can't just drink tea in the common areas. Are residents just free to slink from one room to another for varying amounts of time unbeknownst to staff and others? Would you have the freedom to visit your neighbor for some tea...with your door shut for an indefinite amount of time?? With no one checking on you? This is how things are in a nursing home? That might be a bit unnerving and send up some flags...but then again, like I said, I have no idea how things are managed in a nursing home. I'm honestly curious about this.

I'm sure no expert, but I'm guessing it happens much more often in assisted living facilities than in nursing homes. Usually by the time people get to nursing homes they're relatively infirm, and often sharing a room with another person (of the same sex). But also--just about all but the most expensive of assisted living/nursing home facilities are woefully understaffed. I wouldn't count on adequate supervision even for medical needs, let alone for . . . other things.

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, Pawz4me said:

I'm sure no expert, but I'm guessing it happens much more often in assisted living facilities than in nursing homes. Usually by the time people get to nursing homes they're relatively infirm, and often sharing a room with another person (of the same sex). But also--just about all but the most expensive of assisted living/nursing home facilities are woefully understaffed. I wouldn't count on adequate supervision even for medical needs, let alone for . . . other things.

 

See, this is what I thought too! Surely by the nursing home stage, people aren't gathering in rooms and drinking tea ?

[lavender's green]

I used to volunteer in an assisted living/nursing home, depending on building. The building I was usually in had private apartments. There was one man in particular, mid-90s, who was definitely on the hunt. I have no idea what he actually got up to. But every time a woman so much as looked at him, he was convinced that they shared a special connection and could have had an amazing relationship, if only. Including me. (Insert darting away emoji.) Nice man, though. Not creepy or pervy. Just a hopeless romantic who was lonely.

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

I asked...so I have to be the one to do the thread.....lol. I'll do one soon, maybe. I've got to get busy here today!! lol

 

I'll let you off the hook if you want.  It could open a really crazy can of worms and we could end up fearing old age even more ?

[lavender's green]

Oh, and he liked to change around the numbers in ages. Like, "If only you were 51 instead of 15, and I were 79 instead of 97..." Yeah, you'd still be plenty old enough to be my father! Every year I volunteered there he'd come up with the new numbers. Some sounded worse than others.

And once there was a large family event, and I was serving the tables. He had me come over and sit with him specially to meet his children, and show them (I guess) what I catch I was. They were my grandparents' ages!

Anyway, I reiterate, he really was a nice man and not as weird as this might make it sound.

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

It's not the sort of thing I thing I picture myself asking here....but what the heck. There has to be a way to do it that's ...well, tasteful?? Maybe I'll just say Attolia said I should ask, lol. !!! 

And I'm one of the ladies who probably wouldn't remarry, especially if I were lots older for sure. I'd think I'd like to live life being independent and wouldn't want some old man hovering around me in church, nursing home, or wherever. LOL I can't imagine being married to anyone else except to dh. He has his faults, but he's a good man.

 

 

Never mind, for real ?.  It was a fleeting thought that needs to die bwahaha ?

[lailasmum]

I've definitely noticed that men seem to remarry much more quickly than women after being widowed or divorced. Most of the women I know either have no relationships at all or maybe after a while might date but not go to the extent of remarriage. One friend did have a partner who lived with her for a couple of years but the end of that relationship seemed more traumatic than her divorce and she hasn't been in a relationship since. My mum didn't have any intention of being with anyone else after my dad died when I was a teenager and it never crossed my mind that she would want to because she's so independent. Most guys I've known seem to remarry and try and rebuild a similar life to the one they had before the death or divorce. I used to know one guy who would get divorced and remarry and create a replacement family around every 5-8 yrs and it was definitely a shock to hear he'd done it once again.  I think guys have more of a drive to have a constant partner than women do, especially older women with kids. 

[Spryte]

In my limited experience, every man I’ve seen get divorced has remarried within 18 mos, most sooner.

The women partners in those divorces have not remarried, and I think it’s partly a function of that downward slide on the socio-economic ladder that happens to many women after divorce.  They are so entrenched in child care and survival, there’s not much energy for dating.

I’ve only known two women to lose husbands to death, and both started dating quicker than I’d have expected.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just now, Indigo Blue said:

Whew. Glad you're not mad at me, lol. Whatever comes of it from here on out, who knows. I'm fine with it.

Now, back to the topic at hand........

You are brave but then I felt bad that you had to step out and ask the hard question so I posted first  ?. I have seriously always wondered this.  My parents are 58 and 62 and I want to ask but I haven't braved it.  I have a feeling they still do, they were always very active ?

[SquirrellyMama]

I've often heard the phrase, "When a spouse dies women grieve, and men remarry."

 

[zimom]

14 hours ago, shawthorne44 said:

I've heard that elderly women are like piranhas around a recently widowed/divorced man.   A friend's mom died, and he in the brief visit for the funeral he saw it firsthand.   There was almost a fistfight in the church one day on who would sit next to him.  My friend's dad eventually just picked one so that the women would stop plaguing him.  

 

Yes, there were literally two women hitting on my father at my mother's funeral.  One was a 'good' friend.  It was sick.  My mom was in her 40s and died after battling breast cancer.  

[PrincessMommy]

My dad hasn't remarried, but he was in a relationship before the 1yr anniversary of my mom's death.  That was hard on us.  It's not that we didn't want him to have companionship, but he kind of jumped without looking ;/  and it seemed too fast.  Fortunately, that relationship broke down.  Ironically, dad wanted to marry her ASAP, and SHE was against it.  She'd been single for over 20yrs.  I can't blame her.  What my dad really wanted is a cook and housekeeper with benefits.   He's now in another relationship.  Again, his girlfriend (a widow too) doesn't want to remarry.  But, this relationship seems much healthier.  

Most of the men I know who became widowed youngish (50-60s) seemed to marry quickly, except one friend.  He's still wearing his wedding ring and weekly visiting his wive's grave over 2yrs later.

Unfortunately, I know about 6-7 young widows (again, 50/60s).  Only one just remarrried, and that after 6+yrs of widowhood.  

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, Pawz4me said:

I'm sure no expert, but I'm guessing it happens much more often in assisted living facilities than in nursing homes. Usually by the time people get to nursing homes they're relatively infirm, and often sharing a room with another person (of the same sex). But also--just about all but the most expensive of assisted living/nursing home facilities are woefully understaffed. I wouldn't count on adequate supervision even for medical needs, let alone for . . . other things.

 

I cant find the info now but here was a whole investigation into elder rape and the lack of screening for who gets in and supervising of clients. Basicly, people look he other way and don’t think that the guy who had a rape conviction or is on the sex registry is going to get old and use the same elder facilities as everyone else and may decide to take advantage of the fresh meat that makes easy to prey upon. 

While some people do just decide they are done with sex at some point when they are older, many do not. There is a huge range for normal sex drives as we age. 

My dad was having sex right up to a month before he died. Kinda glad my mom didn’t get to age with him bc I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have kept up.

My in laws were horrified that my dad was still talking about sex and his “girlfriends”.  Apparently they have outgrown sex.

Some people have health issues that cause low or no libido too and they just don’t treat that issue bc they feel it’s normal aging.

All I know for sure is that there is not some magic birthday where no one is having sex and whoever they were at 45 is likely still who they are at 85.

[LucyStoner]

Statistically, you are correct.  Men are more likely to remarry and wait less time before remarrying on average.  

Marriage is, in general, a good deal for men.  Married men are healthier than unmarried men.  Also, older men are generally considered more "marriageable" than older women, which probably makes it easier for men to remarry sooner if that is what they want.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

8 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I haven't seen anyone mention kids yet.

If, heaven forbid, my DH passed away any time in the next 5 to 10 years, I would totally be open to remarrying.  However, I am a 40yr old woman with 3 kids at home, at least one of which has some special needs.  Single guys generally aren't looking for a relationship that brings so much extra responsibility to it.  I think single women tend to be much more comfortable about the idea of dating a guy with kids, and single dads just generally seem to be more respected than single moms.  

 

I have often wondered about this.  It is like single moms are criticized more and single dads are heroes for stepping up and being the single parent.  I guess because it is expected of a woman and not a man?  But why?  Not to derail but why oh why?  I remember a very sad case a few years ago surrounding a local family where the mother was suddenly killed and the dad just took the kids to DSS and said "I can't".  He had no family here (was from South America) and couldn't fathom how to raise his kids alone.  I only know about this case because a friend was a foster parent contacted about temporary housing.

Edited October 1, 2018 by Attolia

[G5052]

3 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

But women tend to do a much better job of maintaining friendships to fill the space of husbandly companionship as they age. Men often seem to struggle with maintaining daily friendships over the years. I think that isolation makes them more likely to greatly desire remarriage. Whereas most women I know would simply continue on with their besties and church friends. 

 

That's what I've done in separation. I broadened my circle of friends and have spent more time with the ones I had. My friends range from 35 to 70 y.o. Life is good! 

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, LucyStoner said:

Statistically, you are correct.  Men are more likely to remarry and wait less time before remarrying on average.  

Marriage is, in general, a good deal for men.  Married men are healthier than unmarried men.  Also, older men are generally considered more "marriageable" than older women, which probably makes it easier for men to remarry sooner if that is what they want.  

 

Yes, I forgot about the "men are like fine wine, they get better with age" scenario.  ?

[shawthorne44]

13 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I cant find the info now but here was a whole investigation into elder rape and the lack of screening for who gets in and supervising of clients. Basicly, people look he other way and don’t think that the guy who had a rape conviction or is on the sex registry is going to get old and use the same elder facilities as everyone else and may decide to take advantage of the fresh meat that makes easy to prey upon. ...

 

I recently looked at the pervert registry near me.  Because it was displayed differently than normal, a list instead of a map, I ended up looking at the 20-ish perverts in my small town.  Only 3 of them deserved to be out of jail.  Well, anyway, there was one guy that had two different convictions for 8-year-olds while he was in his 80's.   He'd had at least one conviction in the past.  Apparently in Texas a third conviction gets you 6 months in jail.  

There was one guy in the local old folks home.  The registry wasn't obvious on that, but I know the address because we've volunteered there.  

[G5052]

8 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

 

I recently looked at the pervert registry near me.  Because it was displayed differently than normal, a list instead of a map, I ended up looking at the 20-ish perverts in my small town.  Only 3 of them deserved to be out of jail.  Well, anyway, there was one guy that had two different convictions for 8-year-olds while he was in his 80's.   He'd had at least one conviction in the past.  Apparently in Texas a third conviction gets you 6 months in jail.  

There was one guy in the local old folks home.  The registry wasn't obvious on that, but I know the address because we've volunteered there.  

 

My mother was in assisted living and then the dementia part for two years. And they had that issue with one of the gentlemen there. The director briefly commented on it one time when she called me, trying to figure out how to keep my mother from verballying haranguing other residents. Apparently they kicked him out, and she used that as an example to tell me that my mother wouldn't be staying if she continued to be a problem. As it ended up, she attacked one of the workers and sent him to the ER, and they moved her to the dementia unit. 

My kids are in college now, but I looked at the registry when we were looking at rentals. One house we liked had a guy in his 80's who had only been on parole for a few months two doors down. That creeped me out.  

[Jaybee]

6 hours ago, Attolia said:

You are brave but then I felt bad that you had to step out and ask the hard question so I posted first  ?. I have seriously always wondered this.  My parents are 58 and 62 and I want to ask but I haven't braved it.  I have a feeling they still do, they were always very active ?

Oh my goodness! We are 58 and 59, and yes, we certainly still do. TMI, maybe, but really! It's not as often as in our 30s, but it's still good.

[Ausmumof3]

I seem to remember there was one of the French kings whose wife bragged that they were still at it twice a day at a fairly advanced age.  Maybe one of the history buffs knows!

[vonfirmath]

On 9/30/2018 at 7:42 PM, Attolia said:

Dh and I had quite the discussion over this today.  I said that men are quicker to jump into a relationship after their spouse dies or after a divorce.  He thought I was crazy.  His reasoning "it takes two so logically it has to be both men and women equally".  I don't agree. I have just seen it before my eyes so many times.  I have had several men in my life sadly lose their wives and a few have divorced.  The men were all remarried within 1-2 years.  Most of the women I know in this situation have not remarried or even dated much at all.  Is this different than what ya'll are seeing?  Am I just surrounded with an odd sampling? ?  I understand that DH's logic makes sense - it takes two - but somehow that isn't what I see.  The men that I know have either married women who have never been married or were widowed/divorced for quite some time before remarrying.  

 

ETA - I personally don't see me remarrying quickly, if ever.  I know my mom (58) has said that she absolutely would not remarry ever.

 

It does take two to have a relationship. But,say, in one situation I'm thinking of, when they got married, the woman had been a widow for at least 7 years. The man for barely a year.

[Ravin]

Yes.

[Murphy101]

6 hours ago, Seasider too said:

 

They have a bill of rights and if they are able to be consenting adults, many homes have the policy of providing a private room for encounters. 

 

Ewwww.  I wonder how old I’d have to be no longer care about what’s on those sheets? *shudder*

[Murphy101]

9 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

Ok, lets gross you out further.  

 

A nursing home is likely to have specific standards or procedures for washing sheets.

 

FIL passed like 2ish years ago, and MIL passed 5ish years prior to his passing.  FIL, as far as I know, never even dated, let alone had another relationship.  

 

BUT...in the men often need a "caregiver" territory...when FIL passed and we were clearing out the house, I am fairly convinced that FIL had not washed the bedding THE ENTIRE TIME since MIL passed.  In fact, the bed was "made" and it was obvious he had been sleeping either on top of the bedding or on the couch in front of the TV for a very long time.  

 

If FIL was................................active........................

ew

 

Same thing at my dads house after he died. Only it was however many women he might have had over over god knows how long. ?