Extra Christmas Guests

[MeghanL]

My extended family is frustrating me beyond belief right now. But, I may also just need to chill??

 

I invited my parents and all my siblings, spouses and kids over for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. My parents and one of my siblings are able to come. Great! I will have a nice formal dinner Christmas Eve and appetizers and sandwiches on Christmas Day. I'm excited and it'll be fun.

 

However! My brother is now suggesting that "an unknown number" of my SIL's family may also be coming. Christmas is in 5 days...how do you not have a plan for where you will be yet?? Then my mom texts and says that my aunt is also looking for a place to go..but this aunt is notorious for saying she will be somewhere and never showing up. We have plans to go to a light festival Christmas Eve, so it's not like we'll just be sitting around and whomever shows up just needs food, you know?

 

Lest anyone think that I am grinch-y, I have zero problem with hosting large amounts of people...if I know they are actually coming. "Maybe" just isn't cutting it for me. I also think it's a little presumptuous of my family to be inviting people without asking me first and then it's a "We'll see". How does anyone plan for beds and food and table settings? I just don't get it. 

 

So, I'm telling my brother that they'll have to host any of SIL's family that comes. And I'm telling my aunt she is welcome for Christmas Day. But I still feel like I'm the one being unreasonable.

[Jyhwkmama]

My extended family is frustrating me beyond belief right now. But, I may also just need to chill??

 

I invited my parents and all my siblings, spouses and kids over for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. My parents and one of my siblings are able to come. Great! I will have a nice formal dinner Christmas Eve and appetizers and sandwiches on Christmas Day. I'm excited and it'll be fun.

 

However! My brother is now suggesting that "an unknown number" of my SIL's family may also be coming. Christmas is in 5 days...how do you not have a plan for where you will be yet?? Then my mom texts and says that my aunt is also looking for a place to go..but this aunt is notorious for saying she will be somewhere and never showing up. We have plans to go to a light festival Christmas Eve, so it's not like we'll just be sitting around and whomever shows up just needs food, you know?

 

Lest anyone think that I am grinch-y, I have zero problem with hosting large amounts of people...if I know they are actually coming. "Maybe" just isn't cutting it for me. I also think it's a little presumptuous of my family to be inviting people without asking me first and then it's a "We'll see". How does anyone plan for beds and food and table settings? I just don't get it. 

 

So, I'm telling my brother that they'll have to host any of SIL's family that comes. And I'm telling my aunt she is welcome for Christmas Day. But I still feel like I'm the one being unreasonable.

 

 

You are not being unreasonable. Your house. You are in control of the guest list. It is presumptuous of your brother to invite extra people without checking with you first in a way that makes it clear you can say no. This is on him.

[regentrude]

No, it is not unreasonable not to accommodate "unknown" numbers of overnight guests on short notice - especially since you already have a house full of people.

I would tell them what your plans are (lights etc) and what times you will be home, and what meals they are welcome to join.

Edited December 20, 2017 by regentrude

[Rachel]

So sorry!

 

My brother pulled that on me on year, the day before. We have 5 in our family, we invited him and a friend. He then invited the friend’s parents, aunt, and boss and told me the day before. 4 extra people when you have plans for 7 is a lot! I ended up getting really sick and cancelling do they didn’t actually come. I could believe he invited them without asking me first.

[gardenmom5]

I hear ya.  used to deal with that at thanksgiving with dh's family. I finally got him to agree to stop hosting.   it woke him up to why we were complaining.

 

I have no problem saying "that doesn't work for me"  when relatives try to invite someone, or even themselves.  It angers me that I've had to do so to what was already a bursting at the seams for my space group size.  if I've invited someone - and they don't' show up when dinner is served - they either don't eat or serve themselves in the kitchen and reheat their food in the microwave.

and if they show up FOUR HOURS before dinner (my grandmother) - I have things I have to do and entertaining you isn't one of them.

 

when they bring uninvited guests without even asking me before they show up . . . . . :cursing:  one time, it so screwed up my head count - my son didn't get called to dinner because I thought everyone was there.  livid at the sil who allowed her dd to invite her friendS without asking ME (let alone notifying before they arrived) doesn't sum up my feelings.

 

eta: - the niece asked her mother if she could invite her friends.  her mother/sil - said yes.  (sil claims she thought it was to her own house, not mine - but she didn't stop it when she learned she misunderstood.)

Edited December 20, 2017 by gardenmom5

[Carol in Cal.]

My poor cousin is dealing with this this year.

Family of 4, 10 other definite yeses, 8 maybe's.  Just talked to her.  The maybes don't even have an estimate of when they will know for sure.  It's the 20th, people!

 

She is not complaining, but I fear that she will stop hosting in frustration sometime.  She has the only centrally located home that has a big enough but fenced yard for the littles, so that would be the end of Big Family Christmases.  I kept saying, You're doing a great job.  How can I best support you?  What would you like from me?  I'm offering this, please ask for more if it would be helpful.

Edited December 20, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[catz]

Whoa - step back.  You are being 100% reasonable and if anyone gives you some attitude, smile sweetly and say "I'm so sorry you can't join us this year.  Have a wonderful holiday!" 

 

I have NO patience for this garbage.  I refuse to host my family this year.  My brother is living in with his ex wife who I haven't seen in 2 years and treated our family like garbage when they were married.  I haven't been invited to their house for 2 years.  My mom never initiates or hosts anything.  And my mom comes down on me for not taking more initiative.  Oh and guess who arranged the get together and made a dinner reservation to meet anyway?  ME of course.  I told my mom if she didn't like it, she is welcome to arrange a get together.  Jeez.  My ex-SIL in the past - we never knew if she would show up or not and they were often late.  It'll be a mystery to see if she actually shows up for this show/restaurant get together.  I was told by multiple people she would reach out to us and she's changed.  It's been a year and she hasn't so I'm not holding my breath.   I'm not cleaning and cooking for days for someone who may or may not show up.  And if she does show up she might hide on her phone in a corner. 

[catz]

It's ok to say no to your maybes at this point!  You have to shop for food at some point!  Or tell them after 12-21, they need to pack a picnic for a family if they want to join you. 

Edited December 20, 2017 by WoolySocks

[wintermom]

Can you talk directly with your brother's wife and nail down some actually facts about whether her family is coming. Tell her what your plans for Christmas Eve are, and give her the option of adjusting what she and her family do. I don't find that men and brothers are the best at planning social arrangements. They don't always understand all the planning and food preparation that women do. ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

OMGosh, I just remembered another ugly tidbit from my FOO.

 

Parents decide to fly 3000 miles to visit son and his family for Christmas. 

They announce this to everyone. 

Except to the son.

They have never, ever been away from their home area for Christmas before.  It was never even considered.  Ever.

 

Son hears from no less than 3 other households that he is hosting them this year.

He checks with his wife, who has already invited her family to fly in (1200 miles, from a different direction.)

 

He tells the parents that they can come for Christmas but will have to stay at a motel as the house is full already.

Parents are deeply offended, plus are VERY embarrassed because they have already told so many people of their plans.  Just not, you know, the actual presumptive host.

So they go into a sulk and don't visit him for 3-4 years, after having told him once he started to have kids to expect them 2X per year.  (Just, though, never at Christmas before.  This was unexpected and totally out of left field.) 

 

OMGosh.  It's so nice to have such mature examples in my extended family to look to for guidance.

 

Moral:  You are not alone.  Families are weird. 

 

[MeghanL]

Can you talk directly with your brother's wife and nail down some actually facts about whether her family is coming. Tell her what your plans for Christmas Eve are, and give her the option of adjusting what she and her family do. I don't find that men and brothers are the best at planning social arrangements. They don't always understand all the planning and food preparation that women do. ;)

 

I have talked directly to her, but she doesn't know either. They don't want to be alone on Christmas in case none of her family ends up coming out...so they are kind of lining up a couple of things to make sure they are covered. They usually do things very last minute. 

 

And when I asked my brother how many people so I could adjust the menu if necessary his response was "Why do you need to have a menu?!?" LOL! Like it was the weirdest thing in the world to have a plan of what to eat on a day when almost every restaurant and grocery store would be closed.....

 

Ok, I am beginning to understand that this is just something families will do...and that I can just say no instead of feeling like this is an expectation everyone else is handling wonderfully and I'm the crazy type A person twitching in the background. 

[MeghanL]

OMGosh, I just remembered another ugly tidbit from my FOO.

 

Parents decide to fly 3000 miles to visit son and his family for Christmas. 

They announce this to everyone. 

Except to the son.

They have never, ever been away from their home area for Christmas before.  It was never even considered.  Ever.

 

Son hears from no less than 3 other households that he is hosting them this year.

He checks with his wife, who has already invited her family to fly in (1200 miles, from a different direction.)

 

He tells the parents that they can come for Christmas but will have to stay at a motel as the house is full already.

Parents are deeply offended, plus are VERY embarrassed because they have already told so many people of their plans.  Just not, you know, the actual presumptive host.

So they go into a sulk and don't visit him for 3-4 years, after having told him once he started to have kids to expect them 2X per year.  (Just, though, never at Christmas before.  This was unexpected and totally out of left field.) 

 

OMGosh.  It's so nice to have such mature examples in my extended family to look to for guidance.

 

Moral:  You are not alone.  Families are weird. 

 

Wow! See...this right here is my fear! That while trying to find a reasonable solution, instead I'll deeply offend my aunt or my SIL entire family when all I really want is a few days notice for how many people will be at my house for Christmas...

[Tammi K]

We have a tradition of inviting 'randoms' ( as my daughter calls them)  Basically, the kids pick up whatever college students are left hanging around, unable to afford a trip home. We also gather anyone new to the area that doesn't have family in town.  We can have anywhere from one extra guest to 10. We never know.

 

It sounds like that isn't your style. Which is fine if you can work it out with family. Now, if what you really want to do is whack someone on the head for getting you into the mess to begin with, I got nothin'.  But, if extra guests is what you have to deal with, here are a few tips that work for us. 

 

Have a few extra bags of frozen veggies in the freezer. If you don't have freezer space, buy a few cans.  A box of instant mashed potatoes is super quick to whip up, jar of turkey ( or appropriate meat) gravy for the 'taters, and, a small spiral or heat 'n eat ham  can all be tossed on the table or a counter for a buffet in just a few extra minutes and it adds extra food to the mix without a lot of work.

 

And smile. Everyone will feel welcome and there will be enough food to feed everyone. 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

I have talked directly to her, but she doesn't know either. They don't want to be alone on Christmas in case none of her family ends up coming out...so they are kind of lining up a couple of things to make sure they are covered. They usually do things very last minute. 

 

And when I asked my brother how many people so I could adjust the menu if necessary his response was "Why do you need to have a menu?!?" LOL! Like it was the weirdest thing in the world to have a plan of what to eat on a day when almost every restaurant and grocery store would be closed.....

 

Ok, I am beginning to understand that this is just something families will do...and that I can just say no instead of feeling like this is an expectation everyone else is handling wonderfully and I'm the crazy type A person twitching in the background. 

 

so - what she is saying is - she wants to come to your house if her own plans fall through.

uh - nope.  I'm not a waiting around to be a second fiddle.  (imo- it's insulting.)

if they do things last minute - it's their problem if things don't work out for them. it is NOT *your* problem if their "plans" fall through.

 

I don't have a problem with last minute guests - provided it is ME who decides to host the last minute guests.  not someone else foisting their guests off on me.

 

 

 

Wow! See...this right here is my fear! That while trying to find a reasonable solution, instead I'll deeply offend my aunt or my SIL entire family when all I really want is a few days notice for how many people will be at my house for Christmas...

 

I stopped caring what manipulative/drama-queen family members thought. 

it was really fun to make thanksgiving dinner the problem of the person who caused me the most headaches . . . .she hates doing it (and tried a few years to get it all back to my house), but since I'm not hosting anymore - it's not my problem and we don't have thanksgiving with that family anymore.

Edited December 20, 2017 by gardenmom5

[Mbelle]

I honestly think you are being reasonable.  They need to give you a definite answer.  This is Christmas not a summer backyard grill out.

 

[cjzimmer1]

If you are a person who needs to plan, than by all means tell them, it's not going to work for the extras to come.  That is perfectly reasonable.

 

But after reading so many of the comments,  I have come to realize that there must be a certain family culture in this as well.  I can't remember ever having a holiday where we knew in advance exactly how many were coming and it never mattered either.  There was always plenty of food so if someone brought an extra guest no big deal, pull out another chair and plate.  We might run out of table space but it wasn't a big deal to eat on the couch and hold your plate with your drink sitting on the floor either.  

 

And I'm one of those people who doesn't know exactly what we are doing yet.  We have a few options for Christmas Eve and we will just see what we can work together on that day.  If I knew that kind of answer was hardship to my relatives than I would probably see a lot less of them on holidays.

 

But I come from a large family with lots of aunts and uncles and cousins and boyfriends and girlfriends and young kids who get unexpectedly sick, people who travel thousands of miles and may be impacted by weather, some who are elderly and can't travel etc so everyone pretty much just goes with it and is thankful for the opportunity to see people even if it isn't on a set schedule.  I do think because there are so many of us, it has made it easier to understand that plans will be in flux until the last moment because everyone is in the same boat trying to juggle things.

[Carol in Cal.]

It sounds like even if you get an answer that purports to be definite, it actually won't be definite.

That is very rude and entitled, but unfortunately increasingly common.

 

So it seems to me that your choices are to either set up a menu and a plan that is very expandable/contractable and not try to pin anyone down, but also to turn people away if they try to opt in after all the spots are taken, OR to call up everyone now and tell them gently that if you don't hear a definite number by XX time on XXXX date you will assume that they are not coming. 

[shawthorne44]

A few times my MIL has just brought extra people along.   In my case I didn't mind because everyone knows her.   So, I felt that the expected hospitality standards were lowered, since everyone knew that the #of people doubled.   Also, the extra guests kept my parents from complaining to my face.   

 

The worst though was a co-worker.  I don't like her, but I felt sorry for her.  Her boyfriend and his mother are roommates.  So, for Thanksgiving, she invited the mother over so she wouldn't be alone.  It ended up being 30 people at last count.  

 

[displace]

Some relatives of mine are this way. It drives me batty. I give invites a month in advance for holiday family meet ups and I receive casual “maybesâ€, or, “we might be traveling.†Every holiday, every invite. Never a yes, or a no. Then, a day or two before, or with no notice, they always show up. And then they bring something not needed, like a third dessert for 8 people, or a side of something that I already made (piggybacking on that other thread about bringing stuff). And they never ask if they can bring anything, just bring random things. They’re trying to be nice but it’s a burden.

 

After a few years I finally figured it out. It took me so long because I’m not circuitous about invites. And I’m super straightforward about stuff. It didn’t occur to me that they might: either be very absentminded and forgot they didn’t actually confirm and panic-like show up; or are being evasive about coming for some other reason (looking for a better offer, maybe?).

 

Idk, but once I invite them, I now assume they’ll come. It’s been much easier, plus I don’t have to confront them about making plans. It was a constant, “let me know by x date,â€, followed by no follow up, then forced communication, then uncertainty and stress and meal planning issues for me. Now that I just plan they’re coming, it’s easier.

Edited December 20, 2017 by displace

[Bambam]

If my sibling tried to tell me he was bringing his in-laws to my house for food without an invitation, I'd inform my brother that he was crazy!  I'm sorry, did I say on the invite you and your family and anyone else you felt like bringing? No? Well then, figure it out. NO! And I can't imagine the in-laws being okay with that. You just don't go over to someone's house without an invite from the people who actually dwell in the house! 

 

Aunt is different. 

[MeghanL]

We have a tradition of inviting 'randoms' ( as my daughter calls them)  Basically, the kids pick up whatever college students are left hanging around, unable to afford a trip home. We also gather anyone new to the area that doesn't have family in town.  We can have anywhere from one extra guest to 10. We never know.

 

It sounds like that isn't your style. Which is fine if you can work it out with family. Now, if what you really want to do is whack someone on the head for getting you into the mess to begin with, I got nothin'.  But, if extra guests is what you have to deal with, here are a few tips that work for us. 

 

Have a few extra bags of frozen veggies in the freezer. If you don't have freezer space, buy a few cans.  A box of instant mashed potatoes is super quick to whip up, jar of turkey ( or appropriate meat) gravy for the 'taters, and, a small spiral or heat 'n eat ham  can all be tossed on the table or a counter for a buffet in just a few extra minutes and it adds extra food to the mix without a lot of work.

 

And smile. Everyone will feel welcome and there will be enough food to feed everyone. 

 

It's not that the larger gatherings aren't my style, it just wasn't really the vibe this year. There does seem to be a critical mass where after 10 people, you can easily scale up for more people. And if that's what was happening, then it wouldn't be a problem. But, when only 6 adults are confirmed, we can sit at the table instead of at tv trays in the family room. We can have a plated dinner instead of a buffet. Since that's all I heard was coming, that's what I've been basing the plans on. 

 

If we had numbers for additional people who were actually going to show up, I could scrap those plans and instead turn it into more of an open house type Christmas gathering where we have the buffet and "find your own seat". But, if it winds up only being 6 adults, it would seem silly to do a buffet when we could have done a nice plated dinner (which I already bought some things for). 

 

I just really want to be clear that my frustration is not because of extra guests...the frustration is the non-commitment of the extra guests when it is actually a pretty big deal to host a huge holiday for an indeterminate number of people. 

[marbel]

I have talked directly to her, but she doesn't know either. They don't want to be alone on Christmas in case none of her family ends up coming out...so they are kind of lining up a couple of things to make sure they are covered. They usually do things very last minute. 

 

<snip>

 

Sounds like she is waiting to see who has the best offer.  

 

My family (siblings) could be this way. They are all "the more the merrier" types.  But there was never an organized meal - people would just eat junk food and/or pizza and/or wings all day and night.  Not my idea of a good time.  They wouldn't have understood the need for a menu, unless it was the menu to call the local pizza and wings joint. 

 

Just saw your update in post #22.  Totally get you. We have also had holiday meals with random students and such, where it's casual and everyone's sitting around the living room. That can be nice.  A more formal meal at the table can be nice too, and that's what you were expecting.  Be nice but firm: we have made our plans, sorry it's not going to work out for you. Christmas Day is the casual day, right?

Edited December 20, 2017 by marbel

[catz]

Oh my brother tried to bring his ex-wife to our house last year without an invite too.   And then he proceeded to tell me how terrible I was because I said no.  When he announced he was bringing her, I didn't even know he was seeing his ex wife again and my kids were still kind of reeling. 

 

I've started issuing invites as "We'd love to have you join us for occasion X on this date and time.  I'll need to have a numbers count by one week prior.". I send a single reminder via phone, text or e-mail  a couple days ahead of my drop dead date.  "I haven't heard from you yet on occasion X.  Please let me know by date Y if you can join us."  And I have no problem following up with "Sorry we won't see you for occasion X.  We'll miss you!  Insert other polite niceties here. "  There is just nothing rude about any of that unless there are unusual extenuating circumstances.  Like someone has serious health problems and doesn't know how they'll be feeling that day. 

 

If people want to complain about that, I just don't care any more.  :lol:

[gardenmom5]

A few times my MIL has just brought extra people along.   In my case I didn't mind because everyone knows her.   So, I felt that the expected hospitality standards were lowered, since everyone knew that the #of people doubled.   Also, the extra guests kept my parents from complaining to my face.   

 

The worst though was a co-worker.  I don't like her, but I felt sorry for her.  Her boyfriend and his mother are roommates.  So, for Thanksgiving, she invited the mother over so she wouldn't be alone.  It ended up being 30 people at last count.  

 

my understanding is a parent who lives with an adult child (especially one going places as a couple)  is generally invited along with the couple for holiday dinners.

I had no problem allowing otherwise rude relatives to bring widowed parents/in-laws who would be by themselves.

 

and generally - when inviting someone, they bring their significant other.  in these days - it may also be a so they've only dated once . . .

[J-rap]

Our holiday gatherings are often large, and random people might show up kind of last minute, but everyone knows ahead of time that that's okay.  (It's usually someone who last minute invites someone else who has nowhere else to go, for example.)  We can always accommodate 2-3 more unexpected guests, and I like to do that when possible.

 

I wouldn't offer housing though.  I'd maybe send a link with local hotels/motels that they could look at.  It's up to them to figure it out.

 

 

[katilac]

 I ended up getting really sick and cancelling do they didn’t actually come. 

 

Sure you did, Rach, sure you did  :lol:

[shawthorne44]

my understanding is a parent who lives with an adult child (especially one going places as a couple)  is generally invited along with the couple for holiday dinners.

I had no problem allowing otherwise rude relatives to bring widowed parents/in-laws who would be by themselves.

 

and generally - when inviting someone, they bring their significant other.  in these days - it may also be a so they've only dated once . . .

 

 

I guess I wasn't clear.   The invited people to T-day were her boyfriend and his mother.   The mother then invited another 28 family members (at the last, I heard which was a couple of days beforehand).   She had no problem hosting the mom, it was the other people that the mom invited that were the problem.  

[gardenmom5]

I guess I wasn't clear.   The invited people to T-day were her boyfriend and his mother.   The mother then invited another 28 family members (at the last, I heard which was a couple of days beforehand).   She had no problem hosting the mom, it was the other people that the mom invited that were the problem.  

 

the mother invited TWENTY-EIGHT people?!?!?!?  what on earth?!?!?!?

no, just no.  that is some serious chutzpah.

[El...]

Oh my brother tried to bring his ex-wife to our house last year without an invite too.   And then he proceeded to tell me how terrible I was because I said no.  When he announced he was bringing her, I didn't even know he was seeing his ex wife again and my kids were still kind of reeling. 

 

I've started issuing invites as "We'd love to have you join us for occasion X on this date and time.  I'll need to have a numbers count by one week prior.". I send a single reminder via phone, text or e-mail  a couple days ahead of my drop dead date.  "I haven't heard from you yet on occasion X.  Please let me know by date Y if you can join us."  And I have no problem following up with "Sorry we won't see you for occasion X.  We'll miss you!  Insert other polite niceties here. "  There is just nothing rude about any of that unless there are unusual extenuating circumstances.  Like someone has serious health problems and doesn't know how they'll be feeling that day. 

 

If people want to complain about that, I just don't care any more.  :lol:

Invited his ex-wife... that sounds like the beginning of an Agathe Christie murder mystery!!

 

Also, ya'll's families are crazy.  Mine, too, but not that way.   :D 

[wintermom]

I have talked directly to her, but she doesn't know either. They don't want to be alone on Christmas in case none of her family ends up coming out...so they are kind of lining up a couple of things to make sure they are covered. They usually do things very last minute. 

 

And when I asked my brother how many people so I could adjust the menu if necessary his response was "Why do you need to have a menu?!?" LOL! Like it was the weirdest thing in the world to have a plan of what to eat on a day when almost every restaurant and grocery store would be closed.....

 

Ok, I am beginning to understand that this is just something families will do...and that I can just say no instead of feeling like this is an expectation everyone else is handling wonderfully and I'm the crazy type A person twitching in the background. 

 

Yes, you can just say no to your brother. He doesn't have a clue about how to be considerate of your feelings. 

[Rachel]

I guess I wasn't clear. The invited people to T-day were her boyfriend and his mother. The mother then invited another 28 family members (at the last, I heard which was a couple of days beforehand). She had no problem hosting the mom, it was the other people that the mom invited that were the problem.

Who does that? No one has enough extra food for 28 people!

[shawthorne44]

Who does that? No one has enough extra food for 28 people!

 

Or space.   I know she doesn't live in a house.  

 

I wondered how that ended up.   Like I said earlier, I don't like the person, so I don't feel comfortable asking.  When she first started at work she sat on the other side of my cubicle wall.   I counted 11 times that she told people that she hates her sister because of how she looks and dresses, then proceeded to describe her sister in great detail and she was describing me.   Only difference is that I don't wear crocs, although my shoes tend more to functional and clunky than pretty.  I didn't start counting right away, so it must have been more than 11.  So, we are not exactly on chatting terms.  She no longer sits near me.   

 

Even then, I still pitied her for the 28 people that announced they were coming to dinner.  Even the 28 count was a best guess.  

[kroe1]

You may be reasonable, but, is that what you are going for this Christmas? If you are trying to become the gathering place for your current family and your children’s future families, then you may want to be more accommodating.

[OneStepAtATime]

You are not being unreasonable to expect a definitive answer this close to Christmas.  If there were some sort of illness I could understand waffling but at this point they are waffling inconsiderately.  Since you are normally o.k. with large gatherings if you are o.k. with them coming in general let them know you need a commitment by the end of today so you can plan.  Make it very clear.  State that if they are uncommitted you will not be expecting them.  Some people need things really clearly laid out.

 

We normally attend large extended family gatherings for Christmas and the whole family always plan for leftovers so added guests is not normally much of an issue either at Thanksgiving or Christmas but I do understand why this can be a problem and in your specific circumstances things definitely could have been handled better.  Hopefully it all works out well and you have a lovely celebration.

 

FWIW, I actually had the opposite problem in a way one year.   My MIL used to host every year.  Always.  For decades.  Not once had it ever been anywhere but her house.  Each of her kids and their families brought a lot of the side dishes and desserts, she did some sides plus the main dish, and we all had our assigned things to bring (we could absolutely change out but we stayed in contact so everyone else would know).  One year, 2 days before Christmas, we found out through a third party rumor based on a confusing FB post MIL had made that MIL was going on a vacation with one of her children and that child's family over Christmas.  Last minute decision.  She would not even be in the state.  Neither said a word to any of us.  We called MIL and got confirmation.  She would not be around for Christmas and neither would that child and their family.  They both claimed the other one had said they would tell us.  DH's family is fairly large.  We were scrambling for a new location and determining which dishes someone else would handle (including the main course) and trying to contact everyone including the out of towners (and two of those were supposed to be staying with MIL).  Uh, o.k.  Merry Christmas?  :confused1:

Edited December 21, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[Jaybee]

If you are a person who needs to plan, than by all means tell them, it's not going to work for the extras to come.  That is perfectly reasonable.

 

But after reading so many of the comments,  I have come to realize that there must be a certain family culture in this as well.  I can't remember ever having a holiday where we knew in advance exactly how many were coming and it never mattered either.  There was always plenty of food so if someone brought an extra guest no big deal, pull out another chair and plate.  We might run out of table space but it wasn't a big deal to eat on the couch and hold your plate with your drink sitting on the floor either.  

 

And I'm one of those people who doesn't know exactly what we are doing yet.  We have a few options for Christmas Eve and we will just see what we can work together on that day.  If I knew that kind of answer was hardship to my relatives than I would probably see a lot less of them on holidays.

 

But I come from a large family with lots of aunts and uncles and cousins and boyfriends and girlfriends and young kids who get unexpectedly sick, people who travel thousands of miles and may be impacted by weather, some who are elderly and can't travel etc so everyone pretty much just goes with it and is thankful for the opportunity to see people even if it isn't on a set schedule.  I do think because there are so many of us, it has made it easier to understand that plans will be in flux until the last moment because everyone is in the same boat trying to juggle things.

 

Our extended family is like this as well. HOWEVER, everybody brings tons of food. Tons. Everybody helps with putting out and cleaning up. Very few are so far away (us) that they need to spend the night. So it doesn't put a hardship on any one person above the others because of it. Therefore, it isn't anything like one person being in charge of the menu and having to be responsible for everything, from food to bedding to schedule, and so on. I think it is only reasonable for the OP to limit the situation.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

And I'm one of those people who doesn't know exactly what we are doing yet.  We have a few options for Christmas Eve and we will just see what we can work together on that day.  If I knew that kind of answer was hardship to my relatives than I would probably see a lot less of them on holidays.

 

<snip>

 

I'm not disagreeing with you exactly.  Just want to say... I've had the experience with people who say they'll come, or they think they can come, or maybe they'll come, but what they are really doing is seeing if a better offer comes up.  (Thanks to social media and people posting about all their social events, it can be pretty obvious.)  

 

I don't think you are doing that. But people do.  And it's frustrating and annoying, and yes, can be hurtful.  

 

I like to be accommodating and when we have had big groups for a holiday meal, it's very casual and open.  But it can also be very frustrating when people know a specific meal is planned, and they want to bring extra guests at the last minute, and oh there's no time to make anything but we'll stop at the store and get something and then they show up with a bag of chips.  Or, people say they plan to come, and they'll bring this side dish, so the host plans around that side dish, and then, 15 minutes after you're expecting them they text to say they can't make it, so sorry.    Or they show up with their nice savory side dish 45 minutes after everyone has finished the meal and dessert is about to be served.  And then they are annoyed because they brought this food no one wants to eat...  

 

This is when cocktail parties or open houses are great!  

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have talked directly to her, but she doesn't know either. They don't want to be alone on Christmas in case none of her family ends up coming out...so they are kind of lining up a couple of things to make sure they are covered. They usually do things very last minute. 

 

And when I asked my brother how many people so I could adjust the menu if necessary his response was "Why do you need to have a menu?!?" LOL! Like it was the weirdest thing in the world to have a plan of what to eat on a day when almost every restaurant and grocery store would be closed.....

 

Ok, I am beginning to understand that this is just something families will do...and that I can just say no instead of feeling like this is an expectation everyone else is handling wonderfully and I'm the crazy type A person twitching in the background. 

 

You're not even plan A.  You're plan B or C.  Tell them no.  They can line up other plans.