Dss16

[lauraw4321]

That has been working well for you so far. For months you have been bringing up issues you have with your step-son, then ignoring the people that tell you there are unhealthy issues.

 

I will say this as clearly as I can. There are many issues in the family that are not your step-son's issues. Your family needs help. And your step-son has been placed in the position of the "problem child". As you spend your time trying to get force him to fix his problems, you can avoid the responsibilty of yourself and others in the family dynamic. Meanwhile he is given the message that he is second class, broken, not as worthy etc.

 

This all comes out in your writing. It honestly does.

 

Paraphrase: it isn't my fault, he should just eat less. I don't know what else I could do, he eats everything. Why would we get him help, he should just stop.

 

Wake up

This. Not trying to pile on but I’ve read your many posts on your DSS. You have disdain for him whether you think you do or not. If we can see it in your writing, I’m sure he can see it.

 

If this is your best, it isn’t enough. I don’t know what is, it read what people are saying. Try something different.

[scoutingmom]

Did you read that I only tonight put food in my son's room? So no Ds's has not had a second class status and no food in this house has been for ds p17 only.

 

We are a blended family. My am not this child's mother and of course I feel differently about my own son. I think it would be disingenuous to pretend a blended family is the same as an intact one.

So you have said.

 

My family is my family.

 

Yes, there are differences. Which can require outside help. My family got help when needed. I love all my step-kids and never treated them differently. Was it always easy? No. Was I perfect? No.

 

And months ago the discussion was ice cream in the house for your son and not your step-son. So no, it wasn't just the food tonight. The attitude has been there for months... I would bet the whole year and a half he has lived with you, and probably during the visits before. But for months anyway.

[scoutingmom]

I wasn't anywhere close to mad.

 

And no it isn't cruel to go through Taco Bell.

Ok... upset enough to vent online about it.

 

And yes, it is cruel to buy stuff at Taco Bell for you to eat in front of a person trying to lose weight. I would add even more cruel because it was in front of someone that surely knows how you would feel about it if he had some, and that he likely cares how you feel. Incredibly cruel. And if you can not understand that, then you need to stop caring about his weight and what he eats because you are not someone that can help him. If you can't understand this basic thought, then you can not help.

[Liz CA]

I don't know how one determines if it is a food addiction.  

 

 

This is why a professional evaluation by a counselor could help. Medical doctors tend to address the specifics of calories / carb / protein ratio etc, but counselors typically look a little deeper into why he is eating "everything in sight." Unless he suffers from a form of Prader Willi Syndrome, it can't really be hunger. There are people who use food as a compensation rather than for nourishment. You said earlier you don't see how counseling could help. Would you and your dh be willing to try to see if someone else can possibly offer some input that could lift a bit of the burden off your shoulder and leave you all with more hope and perhaps a different approach?

[Corraleno]

Is it so hard to believe he could actually stop dripping pee on my tile? I believe he does stop when pressured by Dh on the issue. So he CAN stop the accidents when he wants. Or wipe it up with the Clorox wipes we provide.

How dare he drip pee on YOUR tile, in YOUR house (not his), and eat YOUR food and YOUR son's food, and take up so much of YOUR time and energy, when he's not even your REAL family.

 

In every post you have made about your stepson, your disdain for this child comes through loud and clear. And when dozens of people repeatedly point this out to you, over and over in multiple threads, you insist that you are an awesome stepmother, you have done every possible thing to "fix" this boy, but <sigh> he's just not fixable. It's like you keep trying to get the Hive to give you permission to give up on him, without guilt, because you've done your duty.

 

You keep saying that you are always nice to him, as if the fact that you've never actually told him to his face that you think he's a weak-willed fat slob means he can't possibly know how much you resent his presence. That is delusional. I have been the unwanted kid caught between a crazy mother I couldn't live with and a stepmother who resented the hell out of my presence in her house, taking resources away from her kids, and taking time away from her husband (who inconveniently happened to be my dad). Believe me, your stepson knows exactly how you feel about him. 

 

Please find that poor child a therapist. He deserves to have ONE person in his life that he can honestly open up to without worrying about being judged and resented.

[Corraleno]

This is why a professional evaluation by a counselor could help. Medical doctors tend to address the specifics of calories / carb / protein ratio etc, but counselors typically look a little deeper into why he is eating "everything in sight." Unless he suffers from a form of Prader Willi Syndrome, it can't really be hunger. There are people who use food as a compensation rather than for nourishment. You said earlier you don't see how counseling could help. Would you and your dh be willing to try to see if someone else can possibly offer some input that could lift a bit of the burden off your shoulder and leave you all with more hope and perhaps a different approach?

Lots of people use food, especially carbs, as a way of self-medicating anxiety. I would not be at all surprised to find that a 300 lb teenager living in difficult circumstances was using food as a coping mechanism. Especially with no access to a therapist, or any help other than people telling him to just stop eating so bloody much.  :(

Edited December 19, 2017 by Corraleno

[bettyandbob]

When my Dd was dx with celiac I cleaned house and the whole family ate gluten free. We still do 16 years later.

 

That approach really won't work here. The SS is not 4. The OP does not gave total control over food. He gets food at votech daily and he visits his mother.

 

At this point I think the op needs to accept that she cannot advise and she will not change her SS. So she should stop making her focus on fixing central to her relationship with him.

 

Based on this thread and others I thunk the op knows how to shop. So she should just continue with shopping the perimeter. But I also think there's nothing wrong with her son having a box to lock up snacks in his room. Again, these aren't preschoolers. These are young men. If her son isn't eating in front of ss then there shouldn't be a problem with him choosing to eat.

 

The SS has been given all the tools necessary to lose weight. He's not going to take advantage with forced external parental control. So OP should just back off. She shouldn't talk about it to him in terms of diet or overweight anymore.

 

I do think there would be a lot of frustration with ingredients disappearing. So, my approach might be to maintain a strict menu plan for the week. I'd post what we were eating so it was clear the x ingredients and y leftovers were not up for grabs. Perhaps leaving a note with the weekly menu identifying what is available to eat between meals and saying it is available until it is gone and won't be replaced.

[nevergiveup]

Some of the medications for bedwetting can cause weight gain.

[LarlaB]

You shouldn't have taken him to Taco Bell. You could have done many other things. Next time, consider running into a grocery store and picking up a yogurt and a piece of fruit. Or, better yet, make sure you model good eating habits by getting regular, nutritious meals at home and when you are out.

 

Eating Taco Bell in front of someone who is dieting (and who likes Taco Bell food) is just mean. Then, on top of it, you complain that he also wants to eat Taco Bell food when you do.

Really?!?!

 

No it’s actually a part of real life and IMHO you have have unhealthy approach to food and weight control. The world is not obligated to stop eating because I struggle with my weight. It’s my body and my issue and my choices. It’s not mean to expect me to take care of me.

 

I have Celiac. And I have the tendency to gain 10lbs without noticing. It’s has nothing to do with my family and they can eat what they want. Metabolically my DH and children are totally different. It’s MY issue and my body. Personal choice and all that jazz, no?

 

Granted I’m an adult and I’d treat a 16 year old child a bit differently while still reinforcing it’s his/ her personal choices that determine outcomeand to be supportive. But again it’s HIS body and journey and he has to want change and is also capable of his as well. It can’t be super imposed on him.

 

SMH

 

Edited because I’m on my phone without glasses

Edited December 19, 2017 by LarlaB

[LarlaB]

Which is what? I have no idea what he needs or wants. There is no food on the planet he won't eat if he is anywhere near it.

And that is the issue....the constant overaeting.

 

OP, you are not the problem and you are not responsible for him...even at this age. Certainly he is a minor child who needs support but I strongly disagree with all the posters who are making this YOUR issue as though you offering a Taco Bell instead of DS topping for fruit is the issue. He could eat two tacos and still lose weight. Really.

 

With weight control life is a series of 10000001 choices and DDS needs to learn that they are HIS choices to make.

[LarlaB]

This. Not trying to pile on but I’ve read your many posts on your DSS. You have disdain for him whether you think you do or not. If we can see it in your writing, I’m sure he can see it.

 

If this is your best, it isn’t enough. I don’t know what is, it read what people are saying. Try something different.

 

Disdain? And I read her posts as total and utter frustration. Not disdain. No she didn’t understand weight issues- that is clear. Unless you’ve been in that body of struggle you don’t know. She hasn’t walked in his shoes (nor has any other person here although the obese defense is loud). She is trying and desiring to help. HE doesn’t seem to care a whole lot. There is precious little she can do until he does care. Let’s not underestimate how difficult it is to support someone who doesn’t want to change. Ok? It’s not disdain, it’s frustration and helplessness.

 

You cannot make a teenage child do what they “should†or you “want†them to do past a certain point. She has taken him to many doctors show him options and healthily tried to support him and help him own HIS battle. He’s not willing to fully fight yet.

 

There is a phenomenal amount of projection in this thread and it’s not translating into help for OP. It’s takimg her words of frustration and helplessness and turning it into her being the perpetrator of all bad things. Its assuming, judging, unhelpful and unkind.

Edited December 19, 2017 by LarlaB

[freesia]

I think it's foolish to think that your ds won't change in response to your behavior. He may very well have 3 of the 5 bars left by the end of the week because he doesn't know when or if he will get more, so he is rationing them.

It's also possible he'll develop problems bc the other son is eating all the food. I remember feeling panicked about food when my brothers were teens and ate what seemed like everything. Why is ig right that one son gets all the bars every week? Treats like that. (And things like oranges and raisins) are divided up and labeled in my house bc I have ones that like to eat until they are gone and ones who like to spread it out. It would not work for me to run out and get more oranges regularly enough for everyone to get their fair share.

 

If she left shared treats in the common area and ss ate them all weekly and left none for the other son that wouldn't be right and discipline wouldn't be right in that situation either.

[Carrie12345]

I will totally agree it is a life and death situation. But if he doesn't put forth any effort we are all spinning our wheels for no reason.

 

 

 

Is that how you would feel about any other psychological/emotional issue that could kill him?  Like, if he were thin and suicidal, but wasn't dedicated to helping himself, would you bow out to keep from spinning your wheels for "no reason", or would you continue trying to save his life so long as there was a life to save?

 

Or what if it was your birth son who was slowly killing himself in one manner or another?  Would you decide to quit worrying so much about him?

 

I agree that it's unfair to make things out to be like you've done nothing. You have done some things.  I do believe your intent is to help him.  But the way you phrase things make it very clear that you are not interested in adapting your perspective to the reality of the situation. For one reason or another, whether it's because it's about food, weight, the lack of genetic connection, or you just don't like the kid, you've decided it isn't worth doing harder things.  Expecting people not to react to that is crazy town, as you've put it.

 

The kid has a problem that's bigger than you're comfortable seeing.  You're right about spinning your wheels so long as you refuse to put the effort into digging up the roots. A 16yo can't be expected to do that independently.

[Corraleno]

Disdain? And I read her posts as total and utter frustration. Not disdain. No she didn’t understand weight issues- that is clear. Unless you’ve been in that body of struggle you don’t know. She hasn’t walked in his shoes (nor has any other person here although the obese defense is loud). She is trying and desiring to help. HE doesn’t seem to care a whole lot. There is precious little she can do until he does care. Let’s not underestimate how difficult it is to support someone who doesn’t want to change. Ok? It’s not disdain, it’s frustration and helplessness.

 

You cannot make a teenage child do what they “should†or you “want†them to do past a certain point. She has taken him to many doctors show him options and healthily tried to support him and help him own HIS battle. He’s not willing to fully fight yet.

 

There is a phenomenal amount of projection in this thread and it’s not translating into help for OP. It’s takimg her words of frustration and helplessness and turning it into her being the perpetrator of all bad things. Its assuming, judging, unhelpful and unkind.

 

Oh there has definitely been some unkind, unhelpful "assuming" and "judging" in this thread. Here are some examples:

 

Assuming that a 300 lb child could easily stop overeating, if he just wanted to.

 

Judging a 300 lb child as a lazy "sloth" because he is not as active as her own son, who has never suffered from weight problems.

 

Refusing to allow a 300 lb child to seek help from a therapist, while insisting that he couldn't possibly have any actual issues other than just being fat and lazy.

 

 

I'm wondering how many of Scarlett's previous threads about this child — going back to the time she was married — you have read. Because there is a pattern to these posts that I think you are missing.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Corraleno

[Mama Geek]

Scarlett you keep asking why therapy would help.  Not having your mom and dad together in a reasonably healthy marriage sucks.  No matter the circumstances, no matter how good the step parents are it is probably one of the hardest things a person can go through.  It hit me a few years back that I would have rather my father pass away than have had my parents divorce and have to go through all the problems I went through with him and my mother there after.  I am 43, overweight, and still have residual side effects from it.  Years ago it almost cost me my marriage as well, because I hadn't figured out how to deal with it.  I am working hard on the KETO diet and it ain't easy.  The thing that keeps me going is that I want to be able to do things more with my dd and dh.  I have been pretty overweight my entire adult life.

 

I lived with my mom after my parents divorced and my dad moved in with someone he never married and their family problems made it so I didn't want to be anywhere near their place.  My mom dated but never moved anyone in and never had them real involved with us.  I am so thankful for that.  The guy could have been a saint and I would have wanted nothing to do with him.  Things were bad enough when I was a teen that would have just made it so much worse.  Please get your stepson some help.  Dealing with the loss of having an intact mom and dad is what a good therapist can help with.

 

 

[Prairie~Phlox]

My teens and early 20's all forget to eat. they mostly ony have 2 meals a day. All are slim and very tall, Some are in the extreemly active catogory.

 

I never forget to eat and neither do any of my teens (16-20) I wish I could, but I've never been that way, always need fuel.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I have not read all of the responses, but I think sometimes when we make a big deal about things, the less likely the person is to change.  It's just like smoking, my neighbor smokes a ton and knows she needs to quit, but everyone reminding her only makes it worse.  I know my daughter weighs a little more than I did at her age, but harping to her about food does not help, so I do my best to keep my mouth shut.  She's going to be 20 and needs to figure it out on her own.  If he's already near adulthood, I think it's time to back off.

[Laura Corin]

Scarlett you keep asking why therapy would help.  Not having your mom and dad together in a reasonably healthy marriage sucks.  No matter the circumstances, no matter how good the step parents are it is probably one of the hardest things a person can go through.

 

Yes.

 

In my family of three children whose parents divorced, one managed to muddle through; one essentially dropped out of high school and on the final death of our father experienced a breakdown and flashbacks to the divorce; one has suffered from mental health issues his entire life.  This was a situation where all the adults concerned were doing their best to not argue in front of the kids and to be reasonable.

 

What would we have all been like if our parents had stayed together?  Who knows, but the eldest child in particular, who always felt despised by our stepmother and abandoned by our father (despite nothing of the kind actually being said) cannot in his sixties bear to be even in the same room as our stepmother: that hurt is very deep and seems very much tied to the divorce.

 

I don't want to demonise divorcing parents - relationships break down, it happens.  It would have been really, really good though if someone had given us each a safe space to talk.  I remember to this day the kindness of one uncle, who at my father's second wedding 38 years ago took me aside to ask me how I was doing. 

 

Please, Scarlett, find a therapist for your step son and (if possible) for the whole family.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Guest]

What I remember from past threads was a poster who struggled with weight in her teens saying that it was her (thin) mother’s constant control of and attention on what she ate that drove her to greater dysfunction, which is exactly what posters here are telling Scarlet to do. I do not get it. A 16-year old is beginning to separate from the family and usually will have more and more time and opportunity to eat and move according to his wishes.

 

I know with my 20 and 18 yo kids, I have very little control over what they eat, how much activity they get, what they do on the internet, what media they consume, or what kinds of people they interact with. Those behaviors are at the tail end of responding to my influence; at this point, it is largely what they decide for themselves.

 

My DD has told my stories of freshmen in college eating staggeringly unhealthy choices and patterns. Clearly by that point, which is only a few years ahead, potentially, for Scarlet’s dss, it will be totally up to him what and how he eats. And if he is going into the culinary field, well, geez, it’s going to depend on him.

[HomeAgain]

Just my .02 about raising teens - when my oldest was in high school, if he felt attacked or scolded on an issue, he'd do what he could to avoid the issue.  And in a childish way, because he was a child.  He'd pretend the issue didn't exist.  He had some fabulous mentors that knew how to handle that in teens and create a scaffold of success, which we were then able to subtly apply at home.  As an adult, he's now kinda cool - he tackles life head on because it's not as scary.

 

I think you all need therapy.  I don't think the current method of attack is doing anything except creating ostrich syndrome on all y'all's part.

[freesia]

I agree with the others about family therapy. when something isn't working in a family or something feels stuck, family therapy is so helpful. I do a lot of reading and know a lot about self help, but a therapist was able to give me some tools and ways of looking at things that have been transformational in our house. And we ae a fairly typical, fairly functional family. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you are failing. It means you are getting help solving a bump in the road. You say you don't know how to help him. A therapist can help you figure out what, if anything, you can do or accept that you can't do anything and how to accept that with less frustration then you are feeling now. You becoming less frustrated will help the whole family.

 

And, I have struggled on and off with my weight over the years. Being with people who think I should weigh less tends to make me feel ravenously hungry. Seriously, I could eat the paint off the wall. That is the kind of emotional eating response folks are trying to educate you about. Sometimes eating goes beyond self-control. When I felt like that at my grandmother's house I couldn't control myself bc my body/head/instincts told me I was literally starving and that over rode my intellect a lot of the time. By contrast, I am at a normal wright right now and part of being able to maintain that (along with the benefits of low carb eating for my blood sugar issues) is that dh has never ever been critical or controlling about food no matter what my weight. That gave me freedom and room to disconnect food and emotions

 

You step son has been educated about the health oroblems connected to his weight. Yes, he thinks he is indistuctable like most terms do. But, you are right to let this go and let dh handle it. He needs you just to love him.

Edited December 19, 2017 by freesia

[Scarlett]

Some of the medications for bedwetting can cause weight gain.

Months ago I read up on this and told the doctor and Dh to consider it. Dss is nearly weaned off the meds but I think it might have jacked with his weight somehow.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Scarlett

[clementine]

I am not supposed to eat unhealthy fast food. Someone purposefully choosing to go through a fast food drive thru (and eat!) that kind of food in front of me, is being cruel. It would feel like you're rubbing my face in the fact that YOU can have it, while I watch (and smell) you eat it. It would make me sad that this person does this to me.....especially if it was a parent.

 

In one post you say he eats 'all the food' - in another post you say he won't touch the oatmeal. So, I think you're being sarcastic or you want to paint him in a terrible light for all of us. If you kept a refrigerator stocked with various greens, veggies, salad toppings, healthy dressings, fruit, lean proteins, he could put together healthy meals. He could basically eat 'all the food' AND still get healthier.

[Scarlett]

I have talked to the doctor and to Dh about a counselor, or a therapist. And Dh doesn't think that is what Dss needs.... I Asked hm again last night about it...so if he wants to do that he will let me know.

 

I do not have distain for this kid although some of you will never believe that. I have started threads before about various issues some of them having to do with my own ds.....and many people just assume I am talking about my Dss because that is their preconceived idea about my feelings for my ss

[Scarlett]

What I remember from past threads was a poster who struggled with weight in her teens saying that it was her (thin) mother’s constant control of and attention on what she ate that drove her to greater dysfunction, which is exactly what posters here are telling Scarlet to do. I do not get it. A 16-year old is beginning to separate from the family and usually will have more and more time and opportunity to eat and move according to his wishes.

 

I know with my 20 and 18 yo kids, I have very little control over what they eat, how much activity they get, what they do on the internet, what media they consume, or what kinds of people they interact with. Those behaviors are at the tail end of responding to my influence; at this point, it is largely what they decide for themselves.

 

My DD has told my stories of freshmen in college eating staggeringly unhealthy choices and patterns. Clearly by that point, which is only a few years ahead, potentially, for Scarlet’s dss, it will be totally up to him what and how he eats. And if he is going into the culinary field, well, geez, it’s going to depend on him.

This is true. They are both away from us a lot at this point. Th both drive, go to school, go see friends, ect.

[Scarlett]

 

Oh there has definitely been some unkind, unhelpful "assuming" and "judging" in this thread. Here are some examples:

 

Assuming that a 300 lb child could easily stop overeating, if he just wanted to.

 

Judging a 300 lb child as a lazy "sloth" because he is not as active as her own son, who has never suffered from weight problems.

 

Refusing to allow a 300 lb child to seek help from a therapist, while insisting that he couldn't possibly have any actual issues other than just being fat and lazy.

 

 

I'm wondering how many of Scarlett's previous threads about this child — going back to the time she was married — you have read. Because there is a pattern to these posts that I think you are missing.

Except I have not said that. I said he has lost weight when he follows a plan. I did not say it was 'easy'.

 

I did not call him lazy. I said he moves very slowly like a sloth. In context of how a lot different things contribute to weight gain.

 

And I have NEVER said I 'refuse' to let him see a counselor.

 

Your above post is basically slandering me by saying I said things I am not saying. So if someone comes along and reads the end posts they might think I actually said those things.

[Carrie12345]

What I remember from past threads was a poster who struggled with weight in her teens saying that it was her (thin) mother’s constant control of and attention on what she ate that drove her to greater dysfunction, which is exactly what posters here are telling Scarlet to do. I do not get it. A 16-year old is beginning to separate from the family and usually will have more and more time and opportunity to eat and move according to his wishes.

 

I know with my 20 and 18 yo kids, I have very little control over what they eat, how much activity they get, what they do on the internet, what media they consume, or what kinds of people they interact with. Those behaviors are at the tail end of responding to my influence; at this point, it is largely what they decide for themselves.

 

My DD has told my stories of freshmen in college eating staggeringly unhealthy choices and patterns. Clearly by that point, which is only a few years ahead, potentially, for Scarlet’s dss, it will be totally up to him what and how he eats. And if he is going into the culinary field, well, geez, it’s going to depend on him.

 

A lot of posters AREN'T trying to encourage controlling food, though. In fact, they're recommending NOT focusing on the food as though that were the entirety of the problem.  They're recommending getting help to obtain the tools that may be missing from a 16yo's tool kit.

[Scarlett]

I think Dss has come a long ways since he moved here. He actually talks back to me now. ;) that is a long ways from the kid who couldn't tell me what he wants when offered two choices. I think he feels very comfortable here and I do not believe he feels like a second class citizen.

 

He and I had a very tense conversation a few months back when his step dad was going to pick him up from our house one Friday morning and have Dss go to a bunch of job sites all day. He gave me about ten answers of why that plan was best....which basically translated to him going along to make very one else's life easier. I finally said, 'if you want to go to work with you step dad that is fine. But I am asking you......if you had the choice of riding around to job sights for 8 hours or going out to the shop here and working on your hobby (an actual,hobby) Which would you choose?

 

Deer in the headlight. Finally he was able to say that 8 hours of driving around wasn't that much fun. At which time i relayed the conversation to Dh and he contacted xwife and they made other arrangements.

 

He takes a while to get words out sometimes. Dh is bad to 'speak for him'. I have always been very straightforward to him and he has responded by figuring out what he likes and doesn't like. He and I really do have a decent relationship. Contrary to how many of you see it.

[ebrindam]

We aren't exactly a family. Blended.  It really isn't the same.  

 

 

Not exactly a family? Here, I think, is where the real issue is. 

[scholastica]

I think Dss has come a long ways since he moved here. He actually talks back to me now. ;) that is a long ways from the kid who couldn't tell me what he wants when offered two choices. I think he feels very comfortable here and I do not believe he feels like a second class citizen.

 

He and I had a very tense conversation a few months back when his step dad was going to pick him up from our house one Friday morning and have Dss go to a bunch of job sites all day. He gave me about ten answers of why that plan was best....which basically translated to him going along to make very one else's life easier. I finally said, 'if you want to go to work with you step dad that is fine. But I am asking you......if you had the choice of riding around to job sights for 8 hours or going out to the shop here and working on your hobby (an actual,hobby) Which would you choose?

 

Deer in the headlight. Finally he was able to say that 8 hours of driving around wasn't that much fun. At which time i relayed the conversation to Dh and he contacted xwife and they made other arrangements.

 

He takes a while to get words out sometimes. Dh is bad to 'speak for him'. I have always been very straightforward to him and he has responded by figuring out what he likes and doesn't like. He and I really do have a decent relationship. Contrary to how many of you see it.

That’s great that he is improving in so many areas and seems happier. All of what you just wrote confirms the need for therapy, though. This child has lived in a very dysfunctional environment and has probably been eating his feelings for years. This is a tough, complicated situation for all of you. Prayers, and keep up the good work, even though it’s a hard slog.

 

Also, the fluctuation in his weight between the two appointments is not that bad. Especially if he has eaten a bunch that day before getting weighed. Try not to focus too much on the number. If you think he let up on himself when the doctor gave him congrats, then that should tell you how much of a struggle this is for him. Dd and I were talking the other day about how unhealthy, almost toxic our cultural milieu is today. Unhealthy food and screens everywhere. It is really hard for even the strongest person to resist.

[freesia]

I think you should encourage your dh to reconsider therapy. I really think it is the "something" you feel is missing to make this all work.

[catz]

I've seen all these threads on your step son.  And I do find it depressing.  I think the fact that he has had a hard time verbalizing his feelings and preferences is actually really telling.  He absolutely should see a therapist/psychiatrist and be evaluated. 

 

See if anything here rings any bells ... some people self medicate their pain/depression/anxiety, etc with food.  When things get to this point, it's not about a simple will power.  I speak with experience on this point.

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/food-addiction

Edited December 19, 2017 by WoolySocks

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I read through the thread and I want to offer hugs to you, Scarlett, and to your DSS. This must be difficult for both of you.

 

 

[Scarlett]

That has been working well for you so far. For months you have been bringing up issues you have with your step-son, then ignoring the people that tell you there are unhealthy issues.

 

I will say this as clearly as I can. There are many issues in the family that are not your step-son's issues. Your family needs help. And your step-son has been placed in the position of the "problem child". As you spend your time trying to get force him to fix his problems, you can avoid the responsibilty of yourself and others in the family dynamic. Meanwhile he is given the message that he is second class, broken, not as worthy etc.

 

This all comes out in your writing. It honestly does.

 

Paraphrase: it isn't my fault, he should just eat less. I don't know what else I could do, he eats everything. Why would we get him help, he should just stop.

 

Wake up

 

 

This is just not true.  No one is painting him as 'the problem child'.  He is much more agreeable than my son and my son gets a lot of flack from me and dh for his mouth and for his lack of doing his personal chores.  They each have their issues and we aren't picking on dss.  

[Scarlett]

I read through the thread and I want to offer hugs to you, Scarlett, and to your DSS. This must be difficult for both of you.

 

 

Thank you.  

[TechWife]

I have talked to the doctor and to Dh about a counselor, or a therapist. And Dh doesn't think that is what Dss needs.... I Asked hm again last night about it...so if he wants to do that he will let me know.

 

I do not have distain for this kid although some of you will never believe that. I have started threads before about various issues some of them having to do with my own ds.....and many people just assume I am talking about my Dss because that is their preconceived idea about my feelings for my ss

Your husband is wrong.

 

The very phrase “this kid†echoes the disdain we are all seeing.

[Scarlett]

I've seen all these threads on your step son.  And I do find it depressing.  I think the fact that he has had a hard time verbalizing his feelings and preferences is actually really telling.  He absolutely should see a therapist/psychiatrist and be evaluated. 

 

See if anything here rings any bells ... some people self medicate their pain/depression/anxiety, etc with food.  When things get to this point, it's not about a simple will power.  I speak with experience on this point.

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/food-addiction

 

 

I don't know.  Most of that list he would have to self report and I am certainly not going to suggest to him he has a food addiction.  

 

We can talk all day long about what different people think is the problem but most of this is out of my control.  All I can do is offer support (buying the food, making appointments, taking him to the doctor, picking up his medications, reminding him to check his BP).....dh and dss will have to be the ones to decide on the root of the problem and on the path toward a solution.  

 

One thing I have learned from venting out about this is to talk to dss less about it.  Not that talking less helps him with the food/weight issue, but maybe I can preserve my relationship with him at least.

[Scarlett]

Your husband is wrong.

 

The very phrase “this kid†echoes the disdain we are all seeing.

 

 

Smh.  I use that phrase to talk about my kid as well.  It is not a distainful prhase.  You are determined to make this about what a bad step mother I am.  

[Scarlett]

A couple of things jumped out at me as I read a few posts here.  One is the meds might have messed with his weight.  I am  not sure what can be done about that now, but I do want to remind dh about that.  Another is that dss has had a lot of trouble sleeping lately....probably for months.  I think dh should talk to the doctor about that too.  

 

I know from my experience that lack of sleep makes me eat crazy amounts of food----mostly I want carbs.  

 

Another thing is counting carbs.  The doctor told him he needs to keep the carbs under 50 per day.  So that is when I began looking at the carbs in various foods.  Spaghetti sauce has 11 grams per half cup!  Things like that are so surprising to me.  So if anyone here is low carb successfully what kinds of foods can you eat?  

[TechWife]

Smh. I use that phrase to talk about my kid as well. It is not a distainful prhase. You are determined to make this about what a bad step mother I am.

No, not at all.

[Mama Geek]

Low carb...meat-no marinades, no sauces, eggs, cheese, cream cheese, small amounts of strawberries, blueberries, green beans asparagus, yellow squash, zucchini, lettuce, cabbage, broccoli, ranch dressing, spaghetti squash with homemade alfredo sauce using heavy cream.  I use lots of butter, oil, mayo, mustard and heavy cream.  Really if I eat 3 serving of veggies in a day, I stagnate in weight loss.  If I got more exercise, I could probably eat 3 servings without a problem.

 

Another way if your stepson is active some is to do a low glycemic index diet.  It is more based on what it does to your blood sugar levels.  This diet you cut back on the fat and eat more raw veggies and stuff like greek yogurt, and nuts.  It is much more confusing than low carb-high fat but does allow for more variety.

[Scarlett]

Low carb...meat-no marinades, no sauces, eggs, cheese, cream cheese, small amounts of strawberries, blueberries, green beans asparagus, yellow squash, zucchini, lettuce, cabbage, broccoli, ranch dressing, spaghetti squash with homemade alfredo sauce using heavy cream.  I use lots of butter, oil, mayo, mustard and heavy cream.  Really if I eat 3 serving of veggies in a day, I stagnate in weight loss.  If I got more exercise, I could probably eat 3 servings without a problem.

 

Another way if your stepson is active some is to do a low glycemic index diet.  It is more based on what it does to your blood sugar levels.  This diet you cut back on the fat and eat more raw veggies and stuff like greek yogurt, and nuts.  It is much more confusing than low carb-high fat but does allow for more variety.

 

 

I think it is all very confusing.  Servings of vegetables seem so small to me.  

[unsinkable]

Scarlett you keep asking why therapy would help. Not having your mom and dad together in a reasonably healthy marriage sucks. No matter the circumstances, no matter how good the step parents are it is probably one of the hardest things a person can go through. It hit me a few years back that I would have rather my father pass away than have had my parents divorce and have to go through all the problems I went through with him and my mother there after. I am 43, overweight, and still have residual side effects from it. Years ago it almost cost me my marriage as well, because I hadn't figured out how to deal with it. I am working hard on the KETO diet and it ain't easy. The thing that keeps me going is that I want to be able to do things more with my dd and dh. I have been pretty overweight my entire adult life.

 

I lived with my mom after my parents divorced and my dad moved in with someone he never married and their family problems made it so I didn't want to be anywhere near their place. My mom dated but never moved anyone in and never had them real involved with us. I am so thankful for that. The guy could have been a saint and I would have wanted nothing to do with him. Things were bad enough when I was a teen that would have just made it so much worse. Please get your stepson some help. Dealing with the loss of having an intact mom and dad is what a good therapist can help with.

You'd rather that your father DIED than have had your parents divorce?

 

Am In reading this correctly?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I have a 2 week low cost, easy prep keto meal plan. I’ll pm you if I can find it.

 

If he’s otherwise truly typical, it’s very odd he still has nocturnal enuresis. With his weight, it’s very likely he has sleep apnea (and he could have had it before any serious weight issues). This can cause bedwetting. It can also contribute to high blood pressure, and makes it hard to lose weight. It can also make you extremely sluggish which would limit his activity level even at a normal weight.

 

My 13yo wets the bed, but he’s not otherwise typical, so whatever. Mine also refuses to cooperate with the alarm. So it limits things like sleepovers.

 

Because my son’s anatomy, scans, and labs are normal, he saw the urologist twice, and now his PCP prescribes the meds. If and when we get serious with the alarm, we do it for a month and if he’s still wetting, he goes to a bedwetting clinic. First though, he’ll probably have another sleep study.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

What bedwetting meds is he on? Are they 100% effective? My son’s meds keep him from wetting, but the 2 times we forget, he wet.

 

What other meds is he on?

[Scarlett]

I have a 2 week low cost, easy prep keto meal plan. I’ll pm you if I can find it.

 

If he’s otherwise truly typical, it’s very odd he still has nocturnal enuresis. With his weight, it’s very likely he has sleep apnea (and he could have had it before any serious weight issues). This can cause bedwetting. It can also contribute to high blood pressure, and makes it hard to lose weight. It can also make you extremely sluggish which would limit his activity level even at a normal weight.

 

My 13yo wets the bed, but he’s not otherwise typical, so whatever. Mine also refuses to cooperate with the alarm. So it limits things like sleepovers.

 

Because my son’s anatomy, scans, and labs are normal, he saw the urologist twice, and now his PCP prescribes the meds. If and when we get serious with the alarm, we do it for a month and if he’s still wetting, he goes to a bedwetting clinic. First though, he’ll probably have another sleep study.

 

 

I think we got him to the pediatric urologist finally when he was about 14.  I forget all of the statistics but I think the doc said only 2% of 16 year olds are still bed wetting...and by 18 it is only 1%.  So yes I would say it is unusual.  I can't think of the names of the meds at the moment.  When he first started on them they were not 100% effective.   Doc kept increasing dose until they were 100% effective. If he missed 2 doses yes he would wet.  Then after about a year of them working doc wanted him to begin decreasing.  So I think for the last 6 months he is not taking them at all (unless he is sleeping somewhere besides home).  He has maybe 2 wet nights a month.  

[Scarlett]

And the only other med he is on is BP meds.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Inbox is full. PM your email address and I'll get you what I have. 

[Mama Geek]

You'd rather that your father DIED than have had your parents divorce?

 

Am In reading this correctly?

He was pretty hateful for a long time.  I spent years where I didn't talk to him.  He said lots of very hurtful things over a long period of time, and if had passed away before then, it wouldn't have been so damaging.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Mama Geek

[FriedClams]

I know it's not low carb - and he's tried it with success but the new WW program is awesome. Check out the WhysAdvice podcast by FatDag. I'd recommend you listen to the episode with his story first (he's an air force guy so as a man he might resonate with your son). I think its in the 50s. If you do join ww - check out hashtags for men on Connect. There are some great ones with men encouraging other men. It's great. I think he might be able to connect emotionally with men losing weight - and WW really is a livable program.