Having the Same Arguments Over and Over

[fairfarmhand]

MY husband and I don't fight ALL the time. But when we do argue, it's mostly about the same two or three things?

 

Does everyone do this? Has anyone stopped the arguing about the same thing cycle?

 

 

How?

 

And just for levity, I must share this...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lauraw4321]

Yes. And that clip was so awesome, I sent it to my husband.

[SKL]

Ugh, yes, and always about stuff that is hurtful to discuss and that I can't fix no matter what I do.  Better not get me started.  :P

[MeghanL]

I read a book this morning that a guide for a solutions conversation. It seems to be worth a try :D

Set a timer for 15 minutes when neither of you are hungry, before 9:30 at night (so no one is tired) and you won't be interrupted for that 15 minutes. 

Person 1 starts by saying one single sentence of their issue or problem.

Person 2 responds by saying one single sentence of a solution to that problem.

Person 1 either agrees with that solution or offers one single sentence of a counter solution to the problem. 

This continues until an agreement is reached or the 15 minutes is up. Each person also writes down verbatim what the other person said to avoid misunderstandings. 

 

I thought this was a good way to get to the root of problems and also force the person who tends to be less direct in a relationship to be more direct. Anyway, food for thought :D

[unsinkable]

Yes. We have our two or three issues, though they’re minor. And unless someone has a lobotomy I don’t see them getting solved, we are both intractable :lol:

Conversation in our house last night:

 

Me: Why are you looking at me with that expression?

 

Him: Like what?

 

Me: Like Randle Patrick McMurphy after his lobotomy.

 

:lol:

 

I must have caught him at a weird moment...

[Crimson Wife]

Yes, and until pigs fly and we have no more out-of-pocket medical costs, we're going to keep having the same fight. He knows what our deductible, cost share percentage, and out-of-pocket max is for the year so I don't know why he gets upset over the bills.

 

I should have a T-shirt made saying, "No, Medicaid will not cover our portion for this particular provider/medication/therapy/etc. No, our Flex Savings Account ran out months ago.  Yes, she does actually need [insert name of whatever the bill is for]."

[AimeeM]

Oh, Golly. Yes! It seems like we're constantly bickering lately -- but it's literally over the only two things we disagree about, like, ever. And the same two things that we have been disagreeing about for years and years. 

 

Most notably, his inability to understand that tone of voice DOES matter. And that just because something is true, doesn't mean it's ALWAYS a good idea to speak it. He's firmly in camp, "It's what I say that matters; not how I say it." And, "It isn't wrong to say if it's the truth, even if it's hurtful."

Yes, oddly enough, if another person's "tone" is off, it certainly matters to him :p Now, he IS an aspie, and I give some room for that (reading social cues and applying them is a monster task for him, I understand that), so I'll admit that (without telling him) DD16 and I took to scripting and coaching him, on the down-low, like we do with my ASD 5 and 8 year olds, but in my defense it was working, I think... until he realized what I was doing. 

 

:D

 

Edited November 29, 2017 by AimeeM

[Another Lynn]

I stopped it by just not engaging in that argument any more.

 

"I'll not argue about this again." and walk away.

 

But, but, but.... what if you would have won this time?   :lol:

[Mimm]

I once read that the first big argument that you have with your spouse will be the same argument that you have for the rest of your marriage. That has certainly been true for my husband and I. Not the details or setting of the arguments. But any argument can devolve into The Argument.

[LMD]

Dh and I recently had the exact same fight that we'd had 10 years earlier. About the exact same situation. I just kept thinking 'look how far we've come!'😑

[Crimson Wife]

I stopped it by just not engaging in that argument any more.

 

"I'll not argue about this again." and walk away.

 

Except he still loses his temper over the the medical bills. The only way to avoid the argument would be for me to not pay the bill and magically have the provider forgive the debt rather than sending it to collections (which really wouldn't be fair to THEM since they did provide the service).

 

[klmama]

Our kids literally laugh at us whenever we start to argue, because it's almost always over something small and incredibly stupid.  I'm not sure if it's the same argument or not. I'll have to pay more attention!

 

 

[klmama]

When my dc's bedframe was squeaky, we removed it.  The mattress and box spring went right on the floor.  Dc slept better, and so did I.  Just a thought....

 

 

On top of the fact that the girls have their bedroom directly across from ours and DD7 moves ALL the time...and her bed is super squeaky. 

 

 

 

[kewb]

Been having the same few arguments for years.  His illness is not going away and neither will the fights.  The fights are really more a release of pent up frustrations.  Unfortunately, in a not so healthy way.

[fraidycat]

DH and I don’t argue. It’s futile for him. I’m always right. :D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask me again after he retires from the military and is actually home for a length of time. ;)

[Garga]

I've been reading a book called "It Takes One to Tango." It's written by a marriage counsellor about how to work on your marriage by yourself without expecting your spouse to do anything.

 

I'm just at the part where she talks about what the arguments are *really* about. She says that her clients always argue about the same things over and over. And the arguments are often not about what they're arguing about, but about some emotional need that they have and don't even know about, or some incident in their past that gets triggered by the current situation.

 

Like, the PP whose husband gets all mad about the bills...he probably has a fear about being poor and it comes out all sloppy and unreasonable and emotional in the arguments they have. Just guessing, of course.

 

So far, the author says to stop arguing as one of the steps to fixing these things. If you feel yourself getting emotional, then the argument will not be productive and you'll be spinning wheels. And you know it to be true, because it's been the same argument for 20 years. So, simply say, "I'm too emotional to talk about this right now. I have to step out." And then leave. Not in a pouty, punishing sort of way, but only to stop the misery of the argument and come back calmer.

 

There's a lot more to the book, and I don't want to mess up what it's saying by trying to explain it here, but as long as you're not being a huffy jerk when you stop arguing, that's pretty good advice. If you know the argument will go in circles...then don't argue.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Garga

[Guest]

Another plug from me for the terrific book, “It Takes One to Tango.†The author speaks in there about how, when we pair up, we pick someone who is a perfect interlock for our own issue(s) and those will be the program(s) we run again and again and again. Someone has to step out of the program, might as well be you.

 

Not that I am suggesting ease. And when tired or distracted or not thinking much about the relationship, that is when it gets easiest to run the same program on auto-repeat.

[Guest]

I've been reading a book called "It Takes One to Tango." It's written by a marriage counsellor about how to work on your marriage by yourself without expecting your spouse to do anything.

 

I'm just at the part where she talks about what the arguments are *really* about. She says that her clients always argue about the same things over and over. And the arguments are often not about what they're arguing about, but about some emotional need that they have and don't even know about, or some incident in their past that gets triggered by the current situation.

 

Like, the PP whose husband gets all mad about the bills...he probably has a fear about being poor and it comes out all sloppy and unreasonable and emotional in the arguments they have. Just guessing, of course.

 

So far, the author says to stop arguing as one of the steps to fixing these things. If you feel yourself getting emotional, then the argument will not be productive and you'll be spinning wheels. And you know it to be true, because it's been the same argument for 20 years. So, simply say, "I'm too emotional to talk about this right now. I have to step out." And then leave. Not in a pouty, punishing sort of way, but only to stop the misery of the argument and come back calmer.

 

There's a lot more to the book, and I don't want to mess up what it's saying by trying to explain it here, but as long as you're not being a huffy jerk when you stop arguing, that's pretty good advice. If you know the argument will go in circles...then don't argue.

Jinx! 😊

[Mimm]

Except he still loses his temper over the the medical bills. The only way to avoid the argument would be for me to not pay the bill and magically have the provider forgive the debt rather than sending it to collections (which really wouldn't be fair to THEM since they did provide the service).

 

 

What is his actual suggested solution to this issue?

[YaelAldrich]

Another great book for this is Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson.  Emotionally Focused Therapy talks about this issue.  Like the One to Tango book, she says research says that it is an emotion issue and that how you both deal with it will determine if and how you resolve that argument.

[lulalu]

Yes same stuff just slight detail changes. 10 years in.....

[SparklyUnicorn]

Nope.  We don't argue. 

[Heathermomster]

I start singing King of Pain by the Police.

[Liza Q]

In most arguments we're really dealing with control and trust. If it's not those, it's usually a Love Language issue - one of us is feeling unloved and/or unappreciated. Since I figured this out several years ago, we fight way less.

[Crimson Wife]

What is his actual suggested solution to this issue?

 

Not to take my SN child to her doctors or therapists unless they accept Medicaid and can bill the deductible/co-pays to them. Well, I can't force providers to participate in Medicaid and I'm going to seek out the best treatment available for her.

 

There are only a few speech clinics in the entire Bay Area that have speech & language pathologists on staff who specialize in working with deaf children. Plus it's not just an investment in our child, it's also professional development for me since I'm observing the sessions and learning how to be a better SLP for my future clients.

[unsinkable]

No. We hardly ever argue

And yet...

[unsinkable]

And yet what???

The majority of your threads about you being dissatisfied with your life end up being about your marriage.

[maize]

My parents pretty much had just one argument that went on for the nearly four decades they were raising kids. It was over whether or not to give OTC medications such as Tylenol when a child was sick.

 

One was pro and one was con and that argument only resolved when all the kids were grown and gone!

[unsinkable]

I'm actually quite happy. My students think we are a cute couple. Middle one was just talking about how he thinks we will die within a few months of each other. Life is good.

Good to know...

 

You teach midd!e school, right? It is nice that they think you and your DH are a cute couple but that says nothing about the state of your marriage. But I'm sure you realize that, right?

 

I'm not trying to be snotty. I'm happy you're happy and that (you being happy) is more important than what 12 year olds think.

[Jaybee]

CC: Sometimes when we get "stuck" in cycles, and I recognize that is what is going on (yeah, I don't always recognize it), I pray for God to show me (us) a different way of handling the situation. This started early in our relationship when it seemed every conversation devolved into the same place, and I didn't know what to do. (That was before we were even engaged, actually.) So I pray, "Lord, I don't know what the root of this is, or what he is feeling. I don't know how to get out of this rut. But you know both our hearts and motives better than we know ourselves, so I pray that you will guide us and our conversations/actions through this." Sometimes God gives me fresh insight, sometimes He gives me patience, sometimes He shows us an alternative we hadn't considered. Always, He gives us wisdom through it. And really, in another slant, I find that I get frustrated with myself for the same types of things I get frustrated with him--why, oh why, can't I leave that behavior behind and quit struggling with this or that?

[GoVanGogh]

DH is reading the Hold Me Tight book mentioned above after our marriage counselor recommended it. It has made us aware of how to break the cycle. I haven't read yet but DH has been sharing as he reads it.

[KungFuPanda]

Similar.

 

The current topic of matter is the bedroom situation.

 

DH prefers to sleep with all the windows open, all the doors open, and lights on in both the hall and the bathroom plus a giant box fan going on high at ALL times. And then, he cacoons himself under multiple blakets and buries his face so he sees nor hears NONE of that (plus he has a CPAP with supplimental O2.)

 

Problem is.....the hall light is positioned just right to shine right in MY face not his. Oh, and as it happens, so is the bathroom light. And it's all SO freaking loud. On top of the fact that the girls have their bedroom directly across from ours and DD7 moves ALL the time...and her bed is super squeaky.

 

 

When he is out of town for work, I turn all the lights and the fan off, close all the windows, etc.

 

 

Yesterday I turned his fan down to 1, he woke up completely freaked out.

 

*sigh* I compromise yet again...

What would happen if you rearranged the bedroom, switched sides of the bed with him, or drastically reduced the wattage of your hall or bathroom lights?

 

I do get the frustration. Dh working at home means constant NOISE. He talks, runs fans, runs multiple computers that whir louder than normal computers, and always has tv or podcasts going as background noise. When he goes out I shit down everything and just listen to the quiet.