Physical attraction in marriage

[Scarlett]

I propose that someone who is bothered by shallow things spend some time in reflection, exploring why these shallow things have become so important to them. So that they can do the work to change themselves for the better.

 

Let's be clear:

Weight gain can impact one's health & daily activities in a negative way.

Caring about the weight gain of the person who you've chosen to love through ups & downs, to the point of it making them unattractive to you - is a pretty big negative on one's character.

 

They are both, clearly, negatives.

What is shallow to you is not shallow to every one.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Does spouse A find themselves to be interested in tEa in general?

 

How attracted I feel to my spouse tends to depend on what is going on with my own body and hormones more than anything to do with him.

 

sing it

[Zinnia]

Well the OP is about a specific circumstance in which someone became overweight and unattractive to their particular spouse, so that is what's under discussion.

 

I feel like people are reading some people's posts as fat=ugly, no exceptions, and that's just not what I see.

 

I can sometimes read the responses as caring=losing weight.  As someone who has struggled with a few plans the last 11 months and lost exactly ZERO pounds, it can be demoralizing to know that, unless you get this very difficult and elusive goal down, you aren't a caring spouse.

[Scarlett]

That's so interesting to me. I've been on both sides of similar conversations tbh and they never made me feel any kind of way. But of course no one was mean. But then again, if someone is mean to me, I just get mad, so that wouldn't make me feel insecure either.

 

shrugshrugshrug Everyone really IS different and just has to deal with the spouse they find themselves in front of.

Exactly.

 

Apparently some people aren't bothered by it. I do think that society has convinced people it is shallow to be bothered by weight gain so many people who actually are bothered by it aren't expressing it for fear of being judged as shallow.

[Scarlett]

I can sometimes read the responses as caring=losing weight. As someone who has struggled with a few plans the last 11 months and lost exactly ZERO pounds, it can be demoralizing to know that, unless you get this very difficult and elusive goal down, you aren't a caring spouse.

Does your husband want you to lose weight?

[8circles]

What it might accomplish is the overweight spouse learns how important it is to the other spouse. And maybe overweight spouse will care enough about what is important to his/her mate that overweight spouse will lose the weight.

 

And maybe overweight spouse will tell shallow spouse how important it is for their spouse to not be shallow and shallow spouse will care enough about what is important to his/her mate and will develop a deeper character. 

[maize]

What it might accomplish is the overweight spouse learns how important it is to the other spouse. And maybe overweight spouse will care enough about what is important to his/her mate that overweight spouse will lose the weight.

I see a lot of negative potential in the idea that "my spouse needs to change in order to be acceptable to me".

[Scarlett]

I hear ya :grouphug: It's hard, man.

 

But does YOUR spouse make you feel that way? Or this thread? If it's the thread, you should skeedaddle (said respectfully) because none of our opinions matter at all, ad I bet you are already doing what you think is best. Which is literally all anyone can do!

 

Yes, said much better than what I said. This thread is not about making overweight people feel bad.

[Scarlett]

And maybe overweight spouse will tell shallow spouse how important it is for their spouse to not be shallow and shallow spouse will care enough about what is important to his/her mate and will develop a deeper character.

Hopefully you married a person who shares your view of what is shallow.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes, said much better than what I said. This thread is not about making overweight people feel bad.

 

yeah I think it is actually

 

BUT...I get it.  Different people feel differently about this.  If you AND your spouse see it this way, you are well matched.  If one is always getting on the other for this...that's a problem.

[Scarlett]

I see a lot of negative potential in the idea that "my spouse needs to change in order to be acceptable to me".

Acceptable? I am thinking it is not about being accepted. I think it is more about pleasing each other if we can.

[LMD]

I would expect my spouse to get over it in the same way that he would get over it if I was disfigured in an accident. What other option is there? Dwell in resentment? Divorce?

 

If I suddenly became so self destructive I would expect my spouse to be worried about me and trying to love and support me.

 

I was 15 when we met. I sure don't look the same now, as a mid 30s mum of 4. Sometimes I sacrifice taking care of myself for things like sleep and de-stressing and plain old enjoyment. For me, it's part of for better or worse.

[8circles]

Hopefully you married a person who shares your view of what is shallow.

 

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shallow

 

3a :penetrating only the easily or quickly perceived 

• shallow generalizations

[Scarlett]

yeah I think it is actually

 

BUT...I get it. Different people feel differently about this. If you AND your spouse see it this way, you are well matched. If one is always getting on the other for this...that's a problem.

True. Different people have different relationship needs. I have read on this board for years and see many people in marriages where one is religious and the other is not. It was soul crushing to me when my xh abandoned our religion. I didn't divorce him over it though.

 

When Dh and I were dating our religion was VERY important to us. And other things were too. We discussed sex, weight, housecleaning habits, parenting strategies, spending habits, earning potential, debt, in laws. So I knew going in Dh would NOT be happy if I gained a bunch of weight.

[Scarlett]

<p>https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shallow3a:penetrating only the easily or quickly perceived

• shallow generalizations

Yes I am aware of the definition. Hopefully your list of what is shallow matches up with your mates.

[maize]

And I think what I am saying (won't presume to speak for Scarlet LOL) is that there's so much negative potential in the idea that you shouldn't be honest with your spouse jic it hurts their feelings.

 

Again, honesty=/= being unkind

 

but, again, spouses aren't responsible for one another's self-esteem.... nor is anyone obligated to be any kind of anything (besides nice and faithful) just because their spouse wants it. The magic is worked over the years, hammering these things out.

Yeah you gotta work with the spouse you have.

 

For a person who may already feel insecure about their body or have low self esteem, there is really no way to say "you're too fat to be attractive to me" without being unkind.

 

If my husband said that to me I'd tell him "dude, I bore you seven children; deal with it".

 

If I said it to him? He might not be alive tomorrow

 

So yeah, deal with the spouse you have.

[hjffkj]

Are we allowed to find anything unattractive? What if I really dislike blonde hair and dh insists on dying his hair? What if I become obese and develop type 2 diabetes? What if I get so thin that my bones show?

 

I understand the deeper attraction thing. I know that dh is attractive to me because of how much I love him and how close I feel to him, but I think I can also acknowledge that if he were back in the same shape he was in in his twenties that I'd sure have a different level of enjoyment when seeing/touching him.

Yes we can find things unattractive and being overweight can be that. But if you are in love and have a good marriage then why does anything need to be done about that.

 

Dh got a tattoo that goes across half his stomach. When it is done it'll go all the way across his stomach. I found it incredibly unattractive at first, all tattoos are to me. Dh knows this but got it anyway because he likes tattoos. I knew this about him before I married him because he had one. Never in a million years would I have imagined he wanted one that big. Oh well. It being there does not make me want to touch him less or be intimate less. I simply focus on the things I do find attractive about him. At times I cringe at the thought of that tattoo but mostly I'm glad he's happy with it.

 

In the last ten years I've had 5 kids and have fluctuated in weight constantly. I have been anything from a size 4 to a size 18, that for me is a 100 pound difference. I'm sure dh found me more physically attractive as a size 4 than an 18 and that is ok. He has still touched me just as often. I would imagine it is because he is both still physically attracted to me and mentally.

[maize]

But really I see my attraction to my spouse as primarily my issue to deal with not his.

[Scarlett]

It is amazing to me that people can spend so much energy in defending the right to remain overweight.

 

Personally I don't care how other people handle their marriage . This op asked what should a person do if their mate has become overweight and that has caused a decrease in how attractive they are to non overweight mate. My answer is to talk to your mate about it. In kindness.

[fairfarmhand]

There is a big difference between inevitable aging and becoming overweight.

 

My yeah but...

 

What if the weight is due to steroids caused by a cancer treatment?

 

What if the weight is due to physical impairments due to limited mobility caused by a car accident?

 

What about weight caused by pregnancy? If a husband says to his pregnant wife "I'm not into fat chicks..." He's horribly insensitive.

 

Gaining weight is not ALWAYS someone's personal failure?

 

I can see this being an issue if massive weight gain causes...limitations in the bedroom.

 

but I think there's probably more to the marriage problems than simply "I'm not attracted."

 

There are other ways to work on the marriage and improve intimacy that don't have anything to do with weight.

[Scarlett]

My yeah but...

 

What if the weight is due to steroids caused by a cancer treatment?

 

What if the weight is due to physical impairments due to limited mobility caused by a car accident?

 

What about weight caused by pregnancy? If a husband says to his pregnant wife "I'm not into fat chicks..." He's horribly insensitive.

 

Gaining weight is not ALWAYS someone's personal failure?

 

I can see this being an issue if massive weight gain causes...limitations in the bedroom.

 

but I think there's probably more to the marriage problems than simply "I'm not attracted."

 

There are other ways to work on the marriage and improve intimacy that don't have anything to do with weight.

There is always a reason. Not getting the weight off is almost always about excuses. Except anyone on this board. Their weight gain is the kind that can't be lost.

[Ann.without.an.e]

First of all, this thread is not going to end well haha.  Threads like this never do.  I know that I cannot say anything in either direction that won't be hated by someone so I will just tell my own personal experience.

 

My weight shifts a good bit because of thyroid woes that aren't stable.  I also have a super crappy metabolism.  I eat extremely healthy and exercise.  I am gluten free, dairy free, am strict with sugar, and am currently vegetarian.  When I married DH I was a size 8.  I have fluctuated my entire marriage between a 6-14.  I can get to a 6 if I starve myself and workout 2+ hours a day, every day (something I currently don't have time for).  I have never been small enough for DH.  He hasn't rubbed this in my face at all, but it has come up a few times over the last 20 years.  I didn't know when I married him that he likes super thin.  I can't be that for him.  It has caused painful issues for us.  I wish he would have been honest with me before marriage.  I love him, he loves me.  We are friends.  I know that I am not what he desires physically. We have never had a super busy tea life even though I have a high drive and I know that my size has always been part of the issue.  It is what it is.  It sucks. 

 

This is all, I just wanted to share.  Take it for what it is .... just my experience ;) 

[fairfarmhand]

I would expect my spouse to get over it in the same way that he would get over it if I was disfigured in an accident. What other option is there? Dwell in resentment? Divorce?

 

If I suddenly became so self destructive I would expect my spouse to be worried about me and trying to love and support me.

 

I was 15 when we met. I sure don't look the same now, as a mid 30s mum of 4. Sometimes I sacrifice taking care of myself for things like sleep and de-stressing and plain old enjoyment. For me, it's part of for better or worse.

This.

 

None of us are getting cuter as we age.

 

I was bemoaning the stretch marks on my body. My dh told me that each stretch mark stands for a precious baby that we made together. So they're beautiful. And I cried.

 

I don't look like I did when I was 18 and we got married. I concievable could work out constantly eat nothing but lettuce and look like that. But why? It would stress our whole family out. And you know what? He doesn't look like he did when he was 20 either.

 

You can think "My mate has gained weight and it's not attractive." But it's not kind to say that.

 

I doubt spouses who gain weight are unaware of it. Approaching it from a good health perspective is going to be kinder than dogging on their physical unattractiveness.

 

And love is always kind.

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

There is always a reason. Not getting the weight off is almost always about excuses. Except anyone on this board. Their weight gain is the kind that can't be lost.

I'm just going to throw out the possibility that you might not know all there is to know about medicine and health.

[hjffkj]

It is amazing to me that people can spend so much energy in defending the right to remain overweight.

 

Personally I don't care how other people handle their marriage . This op asked what should a person do if their mate has become overweight and that has caused a decrease in how attractive they are to non overweight mate. My answer is to talk to your mate about it. In kindness.

It has nothing to do with defending the right to remain overweight.

 

How attracted one person is to another is not the other person's issue. It is the person who is not attracted to their spouses problem. Confronting them by saying I am no longer attracted to you because you are fat is shifting your problem onto someone else and not dealing with your own problems.

[Ann.without.an.e]

There is always a reason. Not getting the weight off is almost always about excuses. Except anyone on this board. Their weight gain is the kind that can't be lost.

 

 

Man, I said I would stay out of this.  

 

Me :deep breath:

 

I used to stay a size 6-8 by starving myself and working out 2+ hours a day.  I have a royally screwed up metabolism.  I can go 24-48 hours without eating and not even get hungry.  Most days I eat between 800-1000 calories.  I exercise but I currently don't have time to exercise 2+ hours a day so I am a size 12-14.  I am fat.  It sucks.  I guarantee you eat more than me.  

[fairfarmhand]

There is always a reason. Not getting the weight off is almost always about excuses. Except anyone on this board. Their weight gain is the kind that can't be lost.

 

Just to be completely honest here...I am at a great weight. I eat right and I exercise. I'm not making excuses for myself. My BMI is on the thin side.

 

I've seen illnesses and the medications used to treat them make slender people balloon up. So please don't assume that everyone who is overweight is making lame excuses.

 

 

[Critterfixer]

This.

 

None of us are getting cuter as we age.

 

I was bemoaning the stretch marks on my body. My dh told me that each stretch mark stands for a precious baby that we made together. So they're beautiful. And I cried.

 

I don't look like I did when I was 18 and we got married. I concievable could work out constantly eat nothing but lettuce and look like that. But why? It would stress our whole family out. And you know what? He doesn't look like he did when he was 20 either.

 

You can think "My mate has gained weight and it's not attractive." But it's not kind to say that.

 

I doubt spouses who gain weight are unaware of it. Approaching it from a good health perspective is going to be kinder than dogging on their physical unattractiveness.

 

And love is always kind.

Awesome! :hurray: That's a keeper, right there.

[fraidycat]

My yeah but...

 

What if the weight is due to steroids caused by a cancer treatment?

 

What if the weight is due to physical impairments due to limited mobility caused by a car accident?

 

What about weight caused by pregnancy? If a husband says to his pregnant wife "I'm not into fat chicks..." He's horribly insensitive.

 

Gaining weight is not ALWAYS someone's personal failure?

 

I can see this being an issue if massive weight gain causes...limitations in the bedroom.

 

but I think there's probably more to the marriage problems than simply "I'm not attracted."

 

There are other ways to work on the marriage and improve intimacy that don't have anything to do with weight.

I agree. There have been times that I have not been attracted to my DH throughout our marriage, and I’m sure the same is true for him. The thing is, my DH has looked pretty much the same since the day we got married. He’s not aging as fast as me and is in the military, so has stayed in shape. But, the lack of attraction had nothing to do with his appearance, at all. It was all about attitudes, being “too busy†with life to meet each other’s emotional and intellectual needs and, as mentioned above - hormonal and health fluctuations within my own body.

 

I never had a conversation with DH about my lack of attraction because the problem wasn’t HIS to fix. I did tell him I missed him and wanted us to spend more time together because I needed his help to “fix†that part of the issue and we did gave roundabout discussions regarding what contributes to intimacy and physical attraction and meeting each others needs.

Edited October 24, 2017 by fraidycat

[mykidsrmyjoy]

Why?

 

If the point of the fantasy is to be able to enjoy tEa with one's spouse, isn't that better than not enjoying tEa?

 

Fantasizing about the neighbour's spouse is obviously not a good idea, but a fantasy involving, say, a more attractive version of one's own spouse, or an entirely imaginary partner, or even a movie star one is never going to meet in real life could be just what it takes to get the pot whistling.

Because I don't relish the idea of being used as an object for gratifying my husband's passions for someone else, even if that other person is imaginary.

[8circles]

Yes I am aware of the definition. Hopefully your list of what is shallow matches up with your mates.

 

So, you don't think someone's weight is easily or quickly perceived?

 

Please, tell me what difficult, lengthy process you use to determine if someone has gained weight?

Edited October 24, 2017 by 8circles

[Joker]

Man, this thread make me very thankful I married a man who has stayed by my side through some rough times this past 20 years - and the extra 80 pounds I'm carrying around. I don't think there's ever been a stage in our marriage when he didn't find me attractive and that's because of how he feels about me and not about how I look. 

 

Also, if either one of us had said to the other pre-marriage that it wouldn't be ok for the other to put on weight we both would have ran the other direction. 

 

I have stated to dh that I wish I could lose the weight. I don't eat much, eat healthy, and doctors have run all kinds of tests but nothing shows up. I quit gaining any extra a few years ago but this 80 pounds just isn't going anywhere. Dh has always told me I'm beautiful and he will help me try anything but he's also ok with me how I am. FTR, my extra 80 pounds hasn't caused any medical issues. My blood pressure, blood sugar, all tests always check out fine. It hasn't limited my exercising either. 

[8circles]

It is amazing to me that people can spend so much energy in defending the right to remain overweight.

 

 

It's amazing to me that people can spend so much energy in defending the right to be shallow.

[HS Mom in NC]

I believe marriage is bigger than myself.  It's foundational to society as the primary fabric in the social safety net.  As a Christian it's an earthly reflection of the relationship between Christ and The Church. If Jesus can love us in spite of our sin, which is repellent to his nature, surely I can overlook my spouse not meeting my personal preferences of attractiveness.  So I'm in the grow up; get over it category.  Yes, different people find different things attractive and they're allowed to, but on the list of important things in life, that doesn't even make the list.

I'm attracted to smart men.  My husband is a Mensa member but if he gets Alzheimer's or a head injury, I won't be complaining about it. Most people lose some brain capacity by 50 without it being considered a medical condition.  I'm an not into overweight or super skinny guys, but if that happens it won't allow it to bother me.  It may not be my preference, but it's certainly not anything I would allow myself to focus on.

I know we're in the post-Victorian age and in the west, but I think a lack of history education actually feeds this kind of thing.  Arranged marriage has serious problems, and I'm not advocating a return to it, but I do think its best point is that it doesn't feed the hyper-romanticized notions that bombard people today in romance novels, chick flicks, and relationship articles. Remember, I'm saying that as we stand in the wreckage of  the peak of divorce culture.  Modern day has the most romanticized notions humanity has ever seen.   No, romantic love (attraction + infatuation) is not necessary for a successful, fulfilling marriage.  It's a really nice perk that I hope everyone has, but frankly, it's not an adult view of the institution.  There's a very good reason "When I was a child I thought like a child....when I became a man I put away childish things" is right in the middle of the 1 Corinthians chapter on love, and the situation the OP describes is the kind of thing Paul was addressing.  Real love isn't about getting, it's about giving. Marriage is just bigger than me. (I do think there are legitimate reasons for divorce, so don't add those replies to all the replies I'm about to get about how some people here couldn't possibly function in a non-romantic marriage or how obesity is ultimately a moral issue.)

[kitten18]

There is always a reason. Not getting the weight off is almost always about excuses. Except anyone on this board. Their weight gain is the kind that can't be lost.

OMG. I seriously cannot express how sorry I feel for the person in your life who struggles with their weight.

 

It's so nice that your conviction that being overweight is due to gluttony and sloth allows you to remain perched on your high horse.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

What if a woman was on the heavier side when the couple met, lost a significant amount of weight later on (due to stress, a medical condition, or desired lifestyle change)...and then she found out her husband was not attracted to thinness? What if he thought she looked scrawny and old, when he liked voluptuousness? Should she gain weight so he'll be attracted to her? Or is this a one way street to people who value thinness as a character quality and think heavier people are best described pejoratively?

 

Don't think this doesn't happen. A lot of men like curvy women. Back before America's obesity problems which are not all caused by over indulgence, women used to worry about getting too skinny due to stress, serial childbearing, aging. This is why we had tortuous underwear, down thru history. They weren't all about slimming. Bum rolls and padded bras?

 

So for the few who are saying she should lose weight to please a man, should her size 2 counterpart gain weight to please a man?

[hjffkj]

OMG. I seriously cannot express how sorry I feel for the person in your life who struggles with their weight.

 

It's so nice that your conviction that being overweight is due to gluttony and sloth allows you to remain perched on your high horse.

I was thinking similarly.

[8circles]

I believe marriage is bigger than myself.  It's foundational to society as the primary fabric in the social safety net.  As a Christian it's an earthly reflection of the relationship between Christ and The Church. If Jesus can love us in spite of our sin, which is repellent to his nature, surely I can overlook my spouse not meeting my personal preferences of attractiveness.  So I'm in the grow up; get over it category.  Yes, different people find different things attractive and they're allowed to, but on the list of important things in life, that doesn't even make the list.

 

You mean he doesn't wear a helmet 24/7 and do crossword puzzles in all his spare time to ensure that you remain attracted to him? I guess he doesn't care about your needs...

[fairfarmhand]

I agree. There have been times that I have not been attracted to my DH throughout our marriage, and I’m sure the same is true for him. The thing is, my DH has looked pretty much the same since the day we got married. He’s not aging as fast as me and is in the military, so has stayed in shape. But, the lack of attraction had nothing to do with his appearance, at all. It was all about attitudes, being “too busy†with life to meet each other’s emotional and intellectual needs and, as mentioned above - hormonal and health fluctuations within my own body.

 

I never had a conversation with DH about my lack of attraction because the problem wasn’t HIS to fix. I did tell him I missed him and wanted us to spend more time together because I needed his help to “fix†that part of the issue and we did gave roundabout discussions regarding what contributes to intimacy and physical attraction and meeting each others needs.

This is excellent advice.

Intimacy doesn't happen in a vacuum. IT's about so much more than just cute guy attracted to cute girl and vice versa. I feel that too many people short circuit bigger problems by focusing on just the one thing.

 

PHysical intimacy depends on attractiveness, emotional intimacy, good health, communication skills...etc. The whole of the relationship is reflected in bedroom time.

 

To simply say that it's a matter of physical attractiveness kind of reduces the marriage bed to what a prostitute could provide. Intimacy is one facet of a multifaceted relationship and you can't focus on one thing without getting a skewed solution to the problem.

 

My dh wouldn't want me to spend 2 hours a day working out, spurn all his offers of an ice cream cone and be irritable because I was only eating salad all in the name of being a size 6. He'd rather us have a healthy family life, be balanced, enjoy time spent together, and relax, loving each other as we age healthily.

 

(I'm not saying that I consider those who feel that weight gain impacts attractiveness are advocating prostitution.)

 

My dh and I have been through some horrible circumstances in the last few years. I lost 15 pounds, he's stayed the same. Our relationship suffered under stress and flourished when life was easier. To focus merely on physical attractiveness would've over simplified our issues. "I'm not attracted to you when you're being grumpy." or "I'm not attracted to you because I can't think of anything but our sick relatives." are more honest evaluations of where we were.

[LMD]

There is always a reason. Not getting the weight off is almost always about excuses. Except anyone on this board. Their weight gain is the kind that can't be lost.

This is pretty rude.

 

I can lose the extra weight I'm currently carrying. It's just not a priority for me right now. I don't care enough. Because being conventionally attractive is not my top priority, not even top 10. Thankfully I married someone who respects me and loves me and enjoys TeA with me because I am a person - not just a body. I find him attractive because I see the man that stood by me and held me and fathered my children and built a life with me. That has nothing to do with his size.

[Pawz4me]

Just to be completely honest here...I am at a great weight. I eat right and I exercise. I'm not making excuses for myself. My BMI is on the thin side.

 

I've seen illnesses and the medications used to treat them make slender people balloon up. So please don't assume that everyone who is overweight is making lame excuses.

 

This.

 

Undagnosed hypothyroidism made me balloon up 15-20 pounds. I'm very short, so that's a lot. I was so puffy I looked like a marshmallow or the Michelin (wo)man. Other than my health the weight didn't bother DH a bit. He didn't treat me any differently than he did before (or since I've lost that and more).

 

Thankfully I married my best friend, and the vows we made said something along the lines of "for better or worse and in sickness and health." And those vows mean/meant quite a lot to both of us.

 

Age happens, and whoever said none of us are getting any cuter nailed it.

[8circles]

Did someone say B should lose weight to please A?

 

I didn't.

 

Scarlett did.

[elegantlion]

OMG. I seriously cannot express how sorry I feel for the person in your life who struggles with their weight.

 

It's so nice that your conviction that being overweight is due to gluttony and sloth allows you to remain perched on your high horse.

 

Isn't pride one of those seven as well? 

 

I could be dead, but I had radiation and it killed my thyroid, been told that was coming since I was 26. I have no health insurance and because medical care around here is red-tape nightmare, I am currently not on medication. I have gained weight again. Not much, probably 10lbs. Ironically, I'm having no other effects of thryoid like I did before such as fatigue and hair loss and being cold. Someday I'll have health insurance again and get back on medication. maybe that 10lbs will come off. 

 

I don't think anyone is arguing that being overweight is a right. For some, it's beyond just cutting back calories and working out. For some these are life struggles that go beyond what apparently some people comprehend. 

 

If you, yes you, can just up the ante and work our a bit more stay fit, hurray and cookie (wait no, cookies are bad!) for you. Not everyone has that luxury. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Did someone say B should lose weight to please A?

 

I didn't.

Maybe you have an ignore list and haven't seen all the posts?

[creekland]

I think you aren't going to get any traction here because some people think that it's invalid to claim physical attraction as an important thing at all.

 

I know I'm reading this thread incredibly thankful that neither hubby nor I put any sort of emphasis on it.  As folks have mentioned, it's good that partners are well-matched.

 

Someone has to buy all those enhancing beauty products (female and male).  'Taint us.  We don't care.  We'll be out hiking or enjoying nature somewhere - or in our bedroom enjoying each other.

 

There is always a reason. Not getting the weight off is almost always about excuses. Except anyone on this board. Their weight gain is the kind that can't be lost.

 

Methinks the best thing you could do would be to google a bit about this before making such statements.  There are oodles upon oodles of studies figuring out why some folks have no trouble losing weight and others go to ___ and back but make little progress.  Some is due to overeating and underexercising, but definitely nowhere near all.  It's the first thing to try if one wants to lose weight, but even then, one has to look at the change in metabolism that happens once someone makes these changes.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Are you fatter than your body naturally is at this time in your life if you live in a normally-healthy sort of way, or are you just a bigger size than you used to be?

 

There's a difference.

 

For instance you said you fluctuate up to size 14. I'm a size 16 and have been since I was fifteen years old, barring pregnancy. I'm not overweight. This is just what size I am. When I was in size 18 it was v noticable and I was **fat**. Other people maybe aren't at that size, but I was. So I lived in a normally-healthy sort of way (I was drinking too much to be at my normal weight) and went back to 16.

 

Anyway it's just one example but my point is that I think people think of any particular number as always fat and I think they're wrong.

 

 

My body fat is just too high.  I know it.  Nothing looks or feels right on me.  I know that some women can be fit and a size 14 but I am not that person. 

[nixpix5]

I believe marriage is bigger than myself. It's foundational to society as the primary fabric in the social safety net. As a Christian it's an earthly reflection of the relationship between Christ and The Church. If Jesus can love us in spite of our sin, which is repellent to his nature, surely I can overlook my spouse not meeting my personal preferences of attractiveness. So I'm in the grow up; get over it category. Yes, different people find different things attractive and they're allowed to, but on the list of important things in life, that doesn't even make the list.

 

I'm attracted to smart men. My husband is a Mensa member but if he gets Alzheimer's or a head injury, I won't be complaining about it. Most people lose some brain capacity by 50 without it being considered a medical condition. I'm an not into overweight or super skinny guys, but if that happens it won't allow it to bother me. It may not be my preference, but it's certainly not anything I would allow myself to focus on.

 

I know we're in the post-Victorian age and in the west, but I think a lack of history education actually feeds this kind of thing. Arranged marriage has serious problems, and I'm not advocating a return to it, but I do think its best point is that it doesn't feed the hyper-romanticized notions that bombard people today in romance novels, chick flicks, and relationship articles. Remember, I'm saying that as we stand in the wreckage of the peak of divorce culture. Modern day has the most romanticized notions humanity has ever seen. No, romantic love (attraction + infatuation) is not necessary for a successful, fulfilling marriage. It's a really nice perk that I hope everyone has, but frankly, it's not an adult view of the institution. There's a very good reason "When I was a child I thought like a child....when I became a man I put away childish things" is right in the middle of the 1 Corinthians chapter on love, and the situation the OP describes is the kind of thing Paul was addressing. Real love isn't about getting, it's about giving. Marriage is just bigger than me. (I do think there are legitimate reasons for divorce, so don't add those replies to all the replies I'm about to get about how some people here couldn't possibly function in a non-romantic marriage or how obesity is ultimately a moral issue.)

I love this so much and I agree completely.

 

 

I am not sure of the details of Moxie's scenario but if couple A and B have stopped being intimate due to this, that will further degrade the bond and further amplify the issue. The best way to overcome that feeling is becoming more intimate despite it and then it often will change those feelings.

 

I have some sensory issues and some things gross me out. Physically cause me to be sick. I have been this way since I was a kid and I cannot change it although through the years I have gotten better. My DH knew this when we met so we do try to stay within an attractive body shape. He and I have waxed and waned in this through the years but we try to make it a priority. However, if one day we couldn't or had health issues that prevented it, I would be ok. I love him for other reasons.

[StephanieZ]

This thread makes it seem like gaining weight equals becoming unattractive. Even to someone who loves you.

 

:(

 

Weight gain isn't always avoidable.

 

Well, being bald is rarely by choice, and that doesn't make it attractive (to many people). 

 

Being really short or really tall is similarly out of one's control, but many women think taller men are more attractive and shorter women are more attractive. 

 

Much of human attractiveness is not by choice. 

 

It is what it is. 

 

I think weight gets so much of our focus because it is one of the few major attractiveness characteristics that 1) is at least somewhat controllable and 2) can be a LOT OF WORK to achieve for SOME of us. and 3) is very variable both within a person's lifetime and among the populations.

 

I mean, I'd much rather be with a fat fellow than one who smells bad. And I'd rather be with a hugely fat man that one who is mean. There are much uglier things in life than being fat. That doesn't mean being fat is pretty. Most of us celebrate it and like how we look when we lose weight (unless we're talking the other end of the spectrum and being unhealthily thin). 

[Annie G]

It is amazing to me that people can spend so much energy in defending the right to remain overweight.

 

 

 

I think that some of us are extending the weight issue to other areas. (Maybe those of us who are older, and have faced some of these things)   My dh has lost most of his hair...he's an old guy. I don't especially find bald guys hot, but I do love my husband.  He has a huge scar from bypass surgery. It's pretty gnarly. My own hair is going gray and I have no intention of coloring it. I'm struggling with post-menupausal weight gain in my stomach.

 

  So maybe it's not really just defending the right to remain overweight, but rather the reality that as we age maybe physical attraction isn't what it was in our 20's.   I have personally known people who have openly criticized a spouse for each of the above issues.   I find that pretty unacceptable. 

 

I'm not convinced there is a large contingent here defending the right to remain overweight. But obesity is too complex for a quick discussion. Maybe the person has struggled and is taking a break from trying to lose weight. Maybe he person is overwhelmed with other parts of life and just can't focus on weight loss right now.  (This is me- the past 15 months have been emotionally draining and I have gained 10 pounds. I'm choosing to get other things in order- mental health and family relationships - before I tackle the weight loss. 

[maize]

Isn't pride one of those seven as well?

 

I could be dead, but I had radiation and it killed my thyroid, been told that was coming since I was 26. I have no health insurance and because medical care around here is red-tape nightmare, I am currently not on medication. I have gained weight again. Not much, probably 10lbs. Ironically, I'm having no other effects of thryoid like I did before such as fatigue and hair loss and being cold. Someday I'll have health insurance again and get back on medication. maybe that 10lbs will come off.

 

I don't think anyone is arguing that being overweight is a right. For some, it's beyond just cutting back calories and working out. For some these are life struggles that go beyond what apparently some people comprehend.

 

If you, yes you, can just up the ante and work our a bit more stay fit, hurray and cookie (wait no, cookies are bad!) for you. Not everyone has that luxury.

Not everyone has that luxury nor is it always the wisest use of time. If it required constant focus on food and exercising four hours a day for me to be thin--well, I would have to be neglecting an awful lot of other life priorities in order to accomplish that. Edited October 24, 2017 by maize