Physical attraction in marriage

[ktgrok]

You quoted me but I didn't say that. In fact I said it would not be a reason to divorce.

 

If you have a great marriage and love your spouse but you know you being overweight affects attraction to you and you stay overweight, that is the definition of uncaring to me.

 

Because it is so easy to lose weight, and if people just wanted to a bit, they would. Right. 

 

If it was that easy, we wouldn't have a nation of obese people. No one likes being obese. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Because it is so easy to lose weight, and if people just wanted to a bit, they would. Right. 

 

If it was that easy, we wouldn't have a nation of obese people. No one likes being obese. 

 

It's bleeping difficult as heck.

[ktgrok]

So does that apply only to weight gain? I mean if your spouse decides to grow a mustache when you have always preferred clean shaven, are you a jerk if it bothers you?

 

I guess it can bother you, but if it would be a deal breaker, that's shallow, yes. I just cut my hair, despite my husband preferring long hair. And he, despite preferring long hair, said straight up that we get one life to live, and it's my hair, and if I want to cut it I should. 

 

If he wanted to shave his beard, or whatever, that's his body, and I'm not going to leave him or whatever because of something so superficial. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Everyone talking about very obese people being at the mercy of their uncooperative Bodies are talking about how they do everything they can to stay as healthy as they can be.

 

That's literally all anyone can do. Their square best.

 

That's NOT what the op said and it's not who I was thinking of, and it's not what cats friend's husband is doing.

 

Then again my spouse is not stupid and neither am I.  Either of us pointing out the obvious is kinda insulting. 

[Ravin]

He does not have a medical condition. He sees doctors regularly and he's actually remarkably healthy for a 400 pound man.

 

He has lost over 100 pounds twice in the past, so he can lose weight when he makes an effort, but he gained it all back and then some because he loves to eat. He acknowledges that he could lose the weight if he tried, but he says he loves food too much to limit himself.

 

Age and metabolism shifts mean that this is not necessarily the case. My DH was able to lose all the weight he'd put on ten years ago, but around when he turned 40 his metabolism took a nosedive and he ballooned up. He does love to eat, but now even on 800 calories a day and working out his weight doesn't budge, and exercise with that much weight is hard--hard on the feet, hard on the knees, hard on the back. My DH finally has it so he's losing a pound every week or two, but you know how long it takes to lose at that rate? And even if you do, your body is NEVER going to be the same. There's extra skin, for one thing. So losing the weight might not fix the lack of attraction. Learning not to focus on physical when thinking about attraction, on the other hand, might get  someone somewhere.

 

The doctors haven't found anything specific wrong with my DH--he is remarkably healthy for someone that big. But then part of the problem is getting medical care since our insurance won't cover bariatric medicine on the assumption that you only get where he's at because of lifestyle choices. I call BS on that.

 

That said, he does not have hygiene/self care issues. But then, he's got really long arms--wingspan of a 6'2" man and he's 5'7".

 

ETA: My DH has had periods where he was not being proactive about trying to lose weight. Given all the other stuff going on in our lives, I kept my peace and refrained from judgment(alism). Depression is one of those causes of difficulty losing weight and can look an awful lot like not caring. Nobody ever helped a partner's depression by bringing up a lack of attraction for them.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Ravin

[ktgrok]

It is amazing to me that people can spend so much energy in defending the right to remain overweight.

 

Personally I don't care how other people handle their marriage . This op asked what should a person do if their mate has become overweight and that has caused a decrease in how attractive they are to non overweight mate. My answer is to talk to your mate about it. In kindness.

 

Because the spouse doesn't already know they are overweight, so this will be new information?Or they really really like being overweight but now that their spouse says something they will realize how horrid it is? 

 

Please. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

When I joined the gym, I asked DH if he wanted to join.  He did...cuz I did.  So you can be helpful without saying "Hey fatso who doesn't move much... I don't want to git witch you because you fat yo."

 

Now if my husband started acting like an idiot on purpose...I'd definitely not be attracted to him anymore. 

 

 

[ktgrok]

I'm reminded of a book I read as a teenager. It's about a teen girl, and in the beginning she's "in love" with a fellow surfer. They are the golden couple, and have great fun together, etc. It's great. Then he has a terrible accident and ends up in the hospital for a long time, growing pale, thin, etc. She starts dreading visiting and feels terrible about herself for falling out of love with him over for shallow reasons. 

 

Later, her beloved and elderly cat dies. She cries, and thinks about how much she loved the cat, and loved to snuggle it even when his fur had grown sparse and coarse, and his eyes were runny, and he'd gotten bony. 

 

And she realizes, THAT was true love, where the shallow surface stuff didn't matter....she kept on loving. What she'd had with the surfer was superficial to start with, so when that went there was nothing left. (in the end they became friends and he fell for a hospital volunteer I think..I loved that book)

[ktgrok]

There is always a reason. Not getting the weight off is almost always about excuses. Except anyone on this board. Their weight gain is the kind that can't be lost.

 

I seem to remember you've never been overweight. So, given your utter lack of experience in losing significant amount of weight, please stop. That's as nicely as I can say that. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I guess I see this as a highly personal struggle.  It's not terrible when someone is supportive, but it's terrible when someone puts pressure on you.   I would feel very resentful and that would hinder my progress.  Then when I got hot I'd dump his sorry arse and find someone who was less stupid.  Nothing turns me off faster than shallow arseholary....

[umsami]

I'll also add that there's something called the obesity paradox.  Once again, it's not as simple as fat=unhealthy, thin=healthy.  So, being overweight, say a BMI of 27-30, may actually increase your survival with certain diseases versus being "normal" weight or thin.

 

If you knew that one of the proposed treatments, i.e. a diet, would be extremely unlikely to work long term, and would actually make your metabolism worse and increase your likelihood to gain weight, would you suggest that they diet?  

 

I truly believe that if many of the obese and super obese people had never dieted, they would weigh less than they do now.  One of the saner "diets" I saw was not about restricting anything, rather than adding.  So add a serving or two of fruits and veggies per meal.  Add a serving of dairy.  Etc.  

 

There have also been studies that show that fat shaming leads to people being more overweight, not less.  https://www.livescience.com/47787-fat-shaming-weight-gain.html

[umsami]

She is focused on his weight because he weighs over 400 pounds. Google "naked 400 pound man" and tell me if you find that look to be sexually attractive. Seriously. I'm not being snarky.

 

I'm not sure why you're making the husband the victim here. You're making an awful lot of negative assumptions about the wife, but you're basically giving the husband a pass. I don't think that's fair at all.

 

She's not leaving him. She doesn't hate him. She worries about his health and she fusses over him when he gets sick. She helps him with his business. She both likes him and loves him. But when she looks at his 400+ pound body, she is not attracted to it.

 

You can call that shallow if you'd like, but if your dh ever gains over 200 pounds, I suspect you might feel a bit differently.

 

 

Wow, way to fat shame.  There may be people on this board who do have a 400 pound spouse, or are the 400 pound spouse.   Just for the record, there are also people who do prefer larger men and women, even to that point.  When I was in my early 20s, and had a horrible body image and got into fat acceptance, I was quite shocked to learn about feeders and chubby chasers.  There was a great book called, "Fat?So!" by Marilyn Wann.  Roxanne Gay is another author I'd recommend.  http://www.npr.org/2017/06/19/533515895/be-bigger-fight-harder-roxane-gay-on-a-lifetime-of-hunger   "Hunger, she writes, is not about wanting to shed 30 or 40 pounds: "This is a book about living in the world when you are three or four hundred pounds overweight," she explains."

 

I'll also add that there's a big link between ACE (Adverse Child Events) and morbid obesity.  Not only does it suck being MO in this country, they may be a survivor.  So, the next time you see a morbidly obese person, perhaps show some compassion.  Smile. Say "hello".  They're not invisible, although treated like that.    

Edited October 24, 2017 by umsami

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This thread is annoying me.

 

After a decade of assuming I must have poor character and no willpower because I was still fat*, I lucked onto some information that led me to the only diet/lifestyle that would ever shift that weight. Those who gained because of long term steroids, you know that's especially hard to lose. But this plan did it (it was to reverse diabetes; the weight loss is the secondary goal), and worked FAST. I lost 100 pounds in 9 months.

 

So then dh, who does like curves, suddenly had a wrinkly-faced old wife with far diminished curves! It wasn't a serious issue, the whole discussion was mild enough that we could joke about it. I reminded him that when I was young and we got married, pre-steroids, I may have been cute but I had a figure like a slat, and where exactly did he think that figure was destined to end up by age 45 or so? Not curvy, dude! He said, oh, yeah, I forgot. And we laughed it off, just glad I'd reversed diabetes and didn't need steroids anymore.

 

But what if I hadn't got diagnosed with diabetes. Or what if I hadn't found Dr. Fuhrmans plan,been willing to try it, and been one of the lucky ones for whom it worked? I would STILL be morbidly obese with a husband who did not mind, but who was never believed that he didn't mind, cursing my self perceived character flaw that I was still fat. Which would SUCK. Nobody should feel like that.

 

*My self talk about low willpower and poor strength of character was insane, because in countless other realms of life I have always run a really tight ship. I have always been a hard worker and self disciplined, able to do really challenging things if willpower is all it takes. I did not get a character transplant when I went vegetarian. I had applied the same willpower to other approaches...I wasn't different. This was just the thing that worked.

 

 

 

 

 

I posted this because I know there are possibly a hundred women reading, and some men, who feel like garbage now because they're "the fat one" in their relationship, and they are being reminded that there is this massive debate in our cruel, stupid society about the worth and sufficiency of fat people. Please, if that's you, shake it off if you can. Get free from the judgment and shame, and keep being you, keep doing your best at all the things that count! I know you're working hard. We all know that parents have the hardest job and are so vital, so needed, so necessary for a child...and you're there. You're everything, and your work matters. You matter. Cherish yourself - not some stupid ideal, but the real you of today. And for the love, if your SO tells you that you are beautiful and very loved, just as you are, just skip ahead to the happiness and choose to believe them. <3

[ktgrok]

I agree that some people are more prone to gain weight than others. In this particular situation the wife always has and continues to enable him (although a heart attack, gastric bypass, and now cancer have made him lose weight) to the point that she lays out his clothes for him, even underwear, serves him everything so he doesn't have to get up out of his chair (when there were no medical problems preventing it and a walk to the refrigerator would have done him good), mows the grass, even walks the dog that he wants but won't take care of. he's prone to some level of overweight, but nope, he is responsible for being that excessively obese. His sister also tends to gain weight, but she tries to eat well and exercises and moves around and just tries to take care of herself. She could stand to lose ten pounds or so, but she is fine. Before the gastric bypass he would regularly visit fast food restaurants and eat a couple of Big Macs and fries and huge cokes. That's not a problem with metabolism. That's a problem with behavior, sorry. I was explaining to dh that FOR HIS OWN good I'm not enabling him the way the relatives wife did. Dh weight goes up and down but he does put a stop to it at points. I think seeing what this relative has gone through has helped him see what reality could be, plus he has a great doctor that stays on him about healthy weight and behaviors--does not push it under the rug. We were not talking 20 lbs here, we were talking 200 lbs that made him so huge he couldn't wipe his own behind. And she completely enabled him to remain that way. To me it's cruel to enable someone to remain in such a level of obesity.

 

I'd say she must not have had a problem with his weight if she enabled it that way. I'd not enable anyone that way, for any reason, at the detriment of their health. But that has nothing to do with this conversation. 

 

There is a LONG distance between "tells husband he's no longer attractive for gaining weight" and "brings him food on a tray so he doesn't have to move to eat". A LONG way. 

[nixpix5]

What I said was if it bothers a person that his/her mate is overweight they should have a conversation about it,

I used to feel similarly to you when I was 125lbs my whole life with no effort. What ended up changing my view was after my daughter was born my gallbladder became diseased and had to come out. Ok, fine, I didn't worry about it. I had kids previously and pregnancy never effected my body. Had it out and went back to life as usual. I did nothing different. Nothing. So then suddenly I start putting on weight. From 125 to 135 to 145 and so forth. Nothing about me had changed except my loss of gallbladder. Went to my doctor and told him. He said, "no, has nothing to do with the gallbladder. That makes people lose weight, you must be eating more or less active due to baby" etc etc. So I cut back calories (never had done that before) was eating 1400 calories a day and trying to nurse. Pounds kept piling on. By the end of the first year and a half post gallbladder removal I was 223lbs and eating 1200 calories per day. I was horrified, confused, depressed. Doctors wouldn't listen and would look at me like all I had to do was exercise and stop eating fast food (which I never ate).

 

This changed me. I was humbled in ways you wouldn't believe. Being scientists my husband and I started pouring through research and found some journal articles about it. Some women have this occur after losing their gallbladder and so I jumped on forums where women reported this same thing happening. Nobody had answers, and I was in tears.

 

I took my pile of research to my friends who are a married couple, he is a naturopath and she is a dietician. She said because gallbladder removal is often thought to be a disorder of fat, older women when this occurs nobody listens. Yet she knew me previously. They went through the research and recommended supplements and a food and exercise regime. It worked! It was amazing! Nothing had worked prior. I could work out an hour each day and eat 1200 calories and lose half a lb every 2 to 3 weeks. This got me back to normal but I cannot deviate.

 

So I get all of your comments and I also get what it is like to actually not be able to lose. It wasn't excuses, it was real and modern medicine sucks at helping people through it. There are legitimate reasons people struggle in this way and I pray it never happens to you.

[ktgrok]

Unkind? I said I think a lot of people make excuses for not losing weight. Why is that unkind?

If you don't know, you need help. Seriously. A social skills class or something.

 

You are calling people liars, essentially. And saying they are fat for no reason other than gluttony or sloth. That you can't figure out why those things would be hurtful is either a sign of needing help with social functioning or BS. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

Just gonna put this out there. Sometimes it's the spouse who gained weight who loses physical interest in more "attractive" spouse A. The problem is still there either way around.

 

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[ktgrok]

People need to stop saying someone is JUST morbidly obese with no medical issues. Morbid obesity IS a medical issue. The hormonal and biochemical changes that happen when one is that obese are in and of themselves factors that make losing weigh hard or impossible. 

 

I REALLY wish people would understand this. 

 

There is NO WAY an otherwise healthy, non depressed person WANTS to be super morbidly obese. NONE. It physically HURTS every single freaking day to be that heavy. It causes actual physical pain. It means not being able to do normal things like sit in a booth at a restaurant (and hey, they love food, so that should matter, right? ugh) or ride in an airplane. 

 

Trust me, they WANT to lose weight, although they may not admit it because the only thing worse than being obese is being a failure. And if they admit they want to lose weight but can't ,it means admitting failure. 

This is an interesting topic because I know a woman who is dealing with this IRL.

She married an athletic, muscular guy who has since gained 200 pounds, and she is no longer physically attracted to him. He has no interest in losing the weight. What should she do?

She has said that if he'd gained the weight due to illness, injury, or the effects of medication, she would still have the issue with physical attraction, but she would realize it was out of his control and that would make a huge difference to her, but he has no medical issues that would prevent him from losing weight according to his doctors.

I don't view her as being a shallow person, but after reading this thread, it seems like many of you would think she should suck it up and deal with the fact that her dh is literally twice the size he was when they got married.

I don't think any of us expect our spouses to remain super-fit and attractive for their entire lives, but what about when the situation is far more extreme that that -- like the situation with the woman I know, where her spouse gained 200 pounds? Should she really be expected to remain physically attracted to him? Doesn't he have any responsibility at all? Can he keep gaining more and more weight without making the slightest attempt to get himself in better shape, and she is supposed to be fine with that simply because he has other good qualities? Why would the wife be considered shallow for not desiring tEa with a man who is 200 pounds overweight and still gaining, yet the husband gets a pass and is not considered shallow for apparently not caring about his appearance even when he knows it's hurting his physical relationship with his wife?

I'm honestly wondering about this.

Edited to add -- I'm talking about extreme weight gain, not 10 or 20 or even 75 pounds. This man has gained over 200 pounds. To say he looks like a completely different person is an understatement.

 

[Catwoman]

Everyone talking about very obese people being at the mercy of their uncooperative Bodies are talking about how they do everything they can to stay as healthy as they can be.

That's literally all anyone can do. Their square best.

That's NOT what the op said and it's not who I was thinking of, and it's not what cats friend's husband is doing.

Yes. Exactly.

[umsami]

But TALKING about something with someone who loves you is not inherently shaming. Even if they don't like it.

 

Actually, I think I disagree.  Based on this board, and what I've read, I don't think many people could pull it off without it coming off as fat shaming.  Why? Because our society is so fat shaming.  There are still so many people who think like some of the people on this board.  Heck, even physicians are rarely educated and up to date about obesity unless they are in the field.  

 

By talking about it, you are saying I want you to be a different weight.  Do you think they don't get that they're fat?? Even obese??  Do you think that they don't wonder if they repulse you???   Do you think that they don't worry about their health???

 

Understand that the fat person already hates themselves because of their weight.  They've heard all the weight bias and fat shaming their whole lives.  If  they've never been fat before, they may believe it even more.  Thinness is viewed as a moral superior status in this country, kind of like being rich.  Right now, there is not a good way out there to get to be a different weight if you are obese or morbidly obese.  Even bariatric surgery (which is a major undertaking and not a guarantee of thinness) doesn't offer thinness.  It may for a few years, but a lifetime? Debatable...and it can come with its own complications.  Understand that the obese woman next to you on the train, likely knows more about nutrition, obesity, exercise theory, etc. than most in the field.  People who've been obese their whole lives, they've been searching for a solution their whole lives.

 

You can suggest that you guys go on a walk together after dinner.  You can cook a little differently, or a lot differently.  But I think that this is a really delicate conversation, and in the end, the person who is obese needs to make the changes they can make and are comfortable with.  Risk the diet if they want to, knowing it will likely make them end up more obese.  Risk the surgery.  Etc.   I worry that you risk doing a lot more harm to the person you love by discussing it.  IF they bring it up, then sure.  But if not, I'd  honestly stay quiet or try and build them up.  They already feel like crap.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

So you had a conversation with your husband. And the two of you were kind and graceful and truthful with one another.

 

That's literally what people have suggested all along.

That is what you took from my post! There are none so blind but that will not see...

 

I will not try again on the actual point, but I will correct the misconception: we could have a tiny chat because dh is the unconditional love type and we'd had no actual interruption to our happiness. It was almost as quick a chat as "oh, where even are you in this bed," and "hello, I was scrawnier than this when we got married, not my fault you forgot," without sadness or judgment or disappointment, and with humor and love. Which is what all people deserve when inevitable OR unexpected changes of life happen.

 

Zero corollary to talking to ones spouse about their size causing them to lose their sexual attraction.

 

If anyone wants to be like my dh, the acceptance and love part is the only thing there is.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Just gonna put this out there. Sometimes it's the spouse who gained weight who loses physical interest in more "attractive" spouse A. The problem is still there either way around.

 

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Uh yeah.  Like I pointed out way earlier, my spouse prefers beefier gals.  I am not beefy anymore.  He isn't that shallow though.  He wants me to be happy and do whatever it is I do in that department because I want to and it feels right for me.  He's complimented me on the fact my efforts paid off.  I didn't do it to please him or to make myself more attractive to him.  I did it because I wanted to feel better (which I don't by the way). 

 

My DH is overweight, but he is fine with that.  So I'm not gonna tell him to lose weight.  I can't argue about the health thing because he is healthy.  99% of his family members are overweight and they live to their late 90s.  So, again, I can't really yell about health factors. 

[Murphy101]

This thread is awful cruel and unkind.

 

There’s no such thing as someone who wants to be 400lbs. There just isn’t. If someone said that to me, I’d think what they really meant is they have come to terms with the fact that they can’t lose the weight for whatever reasons known or unknown and are no longer interested in putting their limited time on his Earth into what seems like a futile endeavor. That, or they have experienced something that makes them feel a need to be self destructive. I may or may not agree with it, but I can understand.

 

I would never even think to try to “get through†sex with my dh by imagining I’m with anyone else.

 

I would never start telling him how to eat and how to spend his time.

 

A man needs a wife. To love him. To honor him. To be there for him. To accept him for who he is. Same as a woman does. How demeaning and horrible to suggest some of the ill-intent on his part that some are in this thread. How cruel and unloving and shallow to base whether a spouse is deserving of intimacy based on their size or health.

[Murphy101]

One should be able to speak about health to their spouse.

One should be able to speak about what is enjoyable in bed to their spouse.

I can do both kindly and without a problem to my spouse.

 

If what is deemed unhealthy and unenjoyable in bed is their spouse as a person, which their physical being is a that’s not about the spouse any longer. It’s about something else going in with the complainer’s attitude and it’s a lot uglier than fat.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Murphy101

[creekland]

After reading this thread and realizing just how fortunate I am to be married to such a great match, now my overweight, mostly bald, wonderful hunk of a man is not here tonight.  (Sigh) 

[Ausmumof3]

Yes, said much better than what I said. This thread is not about making overweight people feel bad.

Maybe, but it does. Did you ever read that book "why diets make us fat?"

[FaithManor]

Tibbie, can I ask what you used on salads when you did the Furhman diet? I am considering it. I really do not like salads without something on them. I fee like a rabbit grazing in the field!

[amy g.]

After reading this thread and realizing just how fortunate I am to be married to such a great match, now my overweight, mostly bald, wonderful hunk of a man is not here tonight. (Sigh)

I know! My husband is out of town, and I really want to express how amazingly grateful I am to have such an mate!

[Crimson Wife]

No one would tell a wife unhappy with a husband who is a compulsive drinker that SHE is the one with the problem and needs to change. But if the compulsive behavior is eating junk, that is somehow different? SMH

 

 

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[creekland]

No one would tell a wife unhappy with a husband who is a compulsive drinker that SHE is the one with the problem and needs to change. But if the compulsive behavior is eating junk, that is somehow different? SMH

 

Interesting that you find these similar.  Personally, I've never found the behavior of an alcoholic (or any other drug) abuser to be even remotely similar to the person who enjoys their french fries and ice cream too much.

[Ausmumof3]

This is an interesting topic because I know a woman who is dealing with this IRL.

 

She married an athletic, muscular guy who has since gained 200 pounds, and she is no longer physically attracted to him. He has no interest in losing the weight. What should she do?

 

She has said that if he'd gained the weight due to illness, injury, or the effects of medication, she would still have the issue with physical attraction, but she would realize it was out of his control and that would make a huge difference to her, but he has no medical issues that would prevent him from losing weight according to his doctors.

 

I don't view her as being a shallow person, but after reading this thread, it seems like many of you would think she should suck it up and deal with the fact that her dh is literally twice the size he was when they got married.

 

I don't think any of us expect our spouses to remain super-fit and attractive for their entire lives, but what about when the situation is far more extreme that that -- like the situation with the woman I know, where her spouse gained 200 pounds? Should she really be expected to remain physically attracted to him? Doesn't he have any responsibility at all? Can he keep gaining more and more weight without making the slightest attempt to get himself in better shape, and she is supposed to be fine with that simply because he has other good qualities? Why would the wife be considered shallow for not desiring tEa with a man who is 200 pounds overweight and still gaining, yet the husband gets a pass and is not considered shallow for apparently not caring about his appearance even when he knows it's hurting his physical relationship with his wife?

 

I'm honestly wondering about this.

 

Edited to add -- I'm talking about extreme weight gain, not 10 or 20 or even 75 pounds. This man has gained over 200 pounds. To say he looks like a completely different person is an understatement.

I guess that depends. Does he have a reasonable amount of time available in his day to pursue hobbies and interests as well as exercise?

[gardenmom5]

I was just using them as an example - but I for one am obese, and couldn’t eat a bag of chips every day. Or cookies. Or even soda. Nope.

 

That’s why I secretly hate those people who cut out junk food and lose weight. I never ate that crap in any significant quantity, and my BMI has still jumped from 27 to 50 in two and a half years. It’s enough to make me cry. Or give up. I worked for YEARS to deal with my natural state of pudgy to fat, lost a ton, kept it off, and then all that effort went down the drain and now I try AND I don’t even look good.

 

I detest these discussions, they just make me feel worthless. I’m glad plenty of people think this is a choice. I’m also assuming they aren’t the ones trapped in morbidly obese bodies and just wishing they could sit on the floor and play with their kids or have the energy to get out of bed.

 

it is so much more than calories in - calories out.  that tidbit has been a real disservice.

dh's grandfather ate a "healthy" diet.   no junk food,etc.   he also weighed around 350 lbs.  he lived to be 95.  most of his relatives on that side are morbidly obese.  2dsil was at least there too.

[ktgrok]

 

That’s how mature adults deal with these things without hurting one another. The other person can’t really be the one to bring it up though, it has to be the one who is affected. It’s just too personal.

 

Exactly. And maybe if the person affected (effected?) isn't bringing it up, it's because they don't feel safe in the relationship to do so. 

 

I bring up my weight with my spouse. He brings up his weight. I do not bring up his, he does not bring up mine. 

 

But it gets talked about. 

[ktgrok]

What I cannot begin to fathom is why his attractiveness is the issue, when he is at risk for dying from the DISEASE of obesity? 

 

We'd be dealing with this as a couple, but not because of attractiveness or lack there of. That is such a minor concern compared to the rest. I'd be terrified of waking up next to a dead body, not worried about how good looking he was. 

She is focused on his weight because he weighs over 400 pounds. Google "naked 400 pound man" and tell me if you find that look to be sexually attractive. Seriously. I'm not being snarky.

I'm not sure why you're making the husband the victim here. You're making an awful lot of negative assumptions about the wife, but you're basically giving the husband a pass. I don't think that's fair at all.

She's not leaving him. She doesn't hate him. She worries about his health and she fusses over him when he gets sick. She helps him with his business. She both likes him and loves him. But when she looks at his 400+ pound body, she is not attracted to it.

You can call that shallow if you'd like, but if your dh ever gains over 200 pounds, I suspect you might feel a bit differently.

 

[ktgrok]

I absolutely did NOT say that she doesn't care about his health. I have stated multiple times that she DOES worry about his health. She makes sure that he goes to the doctor. She has insisted that he monitor his blood pressure and that he has regular physicals and blood work. But she can't make him stop eating so much. She cooks healthy meals, but he goes out for more food. She doesn't buy junky snacks, but he comes home with grocery bags filled with them, and she says he always has lots of food in his office. She suggests going for walks or doing other active things, but he'd rather park himself in front of the TV.

 

I feel sorry for her. She's not going to leave him. She really loves him. She just struggles with the fact that she's no longer physically attracted to him. I honestly believe that she would find him more attractive if she thought he was making any kind of effort to try to lose some weight. Maybe part of the lack of attraction is that he doesn't seem to care at all about his appearance or have any interest in trying to be attractive to her. He thinks she should still think he's hot stuff, but I can understand why she's having a hard time with that.

 

Edited to add -- I hope the tone of my posts isn't coming across as being snotty to you! I feel like I'm having a hard time explaining the situation, but I didn't mean to seem like I'm annoyed with you, because I'm not! Sorry if I'm coming across the wrong way!

 

Honestly, it sounds like the attractiveness thing isn't REALLy the issue. With this new info, it sounds like this man is seriously depressed and THAT attitude can be very very toxic. It also sounds like he doesn't care to extend his life to help his mate. Honestly, that level of super morbid obesity with no effort to change is like a slow form of suicide and I'd think they were needing mental health help ASAP. Because again, no normal health person ACTUALLY likes being so fat they can't move without pain, or being so heavy they need help wiping their bottom. 

 

That doesn't mean he doesn't say he doesn't care, because admitting he does care but is powerless to control it makes him sound weak. Men don't like to sound weak. So acting like a jack ass and saying he doesn't care is more safe emotionally. 

[Audrey]

There is a prejudice against people who do not want an overweight spouse. Everyone has different things they need from a marriage. If you have a spouse who doesn't care if you are over weight, and you don't care if you are over weight then great. No problem. But if you are in a marriage where one person cares about weight it doesn't make that person shallow.

 

As far as other things going on? maybe the other thing going on is the over weight spouse doesn't care about the needs his/ her mate.

 

Just jumping off of this...

 

There can be many reasons why a person doesn't want their spouse to be overweight.  It can be a shallow, selfish reason such as that they feel the overweight spouse embarrasses them.  It can be a fear reason such as that the overweight spouse's health is in jeopardy and the partner fears losing them.  It can anything in between there or a combination of many reasons.  

 

I think that if spouse A isn't physically attracted anymore, it may be a good idea for them to examine why they no longer feel attracted.  Is it really just the physical appearance of their partner, or is it some deeper feelings -- like fear of loss or rejection of the partnership agreements or ....?  I think that until Spouse A really, truly understands themselves and why they feel that way, there isn't anything that can be done about their attraction to Spouse B.  However, once Spouse A does figure out what really bothers them about the weight, they should open a very honest dialogue with Spouse B.  Be real and be honest, but be kind ... for you are both fighting a battle with this.  

[ktgrok]

Self destructive behavior akin to an alcoholic refusing to give up drinking or an anorexic refusing to seek help is different than just a sexual attraction issue. 

The only reason I have focused on the sexual attractiveness angle is because that was where the thread was heading when I first posted about it. It's not like this woman spends all her time talking about how she's not attracted to her husband. I'm sure it's not her number one priority in life. Most of her comments about him are actually very positive.

And even if you're correct about him having a bigger problem than his weight, what is his wife supposed to do about it when he won't acknowledge that there's anything wrong at all? He says he's perfectly happy as he is, and he feels no need to change.

This woman feels like she's between a rock and a hard place because how can she help someone who doesn't think he needs any help? But she's not going to leave him because she loves him.

I think she is in a very tough spot. I know some people here don't feel sorry for her, but I do.

 

[Murphy101]

No one would tell a wife unhappy with a husband who is a compulsive drinker that SHE is the one with the problem and needs to change. But if the compulsive behavior is eating junk, that is somehow different? SMH

 

 

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I would never give the advice nor say or do any of the things some people in this thread have suggested to my husband. Not if he was a drunk. Not it he was fat. Not if he had any other problem. Because it isn’t helpful or loving.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Tibbie, can I ask what you used on salads when you did the Furhman diet? I am considering it. I really do not like salads without something on them. I fee like a rabbit grazing in the field!

  

 

Not Tibs, but my friends who have had great success with the Furhman diet tend to do warm salads, like quinoa/roast pine nuts/chard with a vinaigrette or cold salads with unexpected ingredients like mango or fried tofu and ginger. Things that surprise and awaken the mouth and aren’t bland, and a variety of textures and flavors.

Yes, this; I tend to do an oil free balsamic vinaigrette and some hot veg, and chopped raw cashews, nearly every day. Grating vegetables adds something, seeds, some citrus...Dr. Fuhrman recommends using a ninja type blender to make nut based salad dressings if you like creamy. (Nuts and seeds are Fuhrman approved, oils - even olive - are not.) look at the site fatfreevegan for salad dressing recipes!

[ktgrok]

After reading this thread and realizing just how fortunate I am to be married to such a great match, now my overweight, mostly bald, wonderful hunk of a man is not here tonight.  (Sigh) 

Same, right down to the balding and overweight, Sexy beast though :)

[HS Mom in NC]

What if a woman was on the heavier side when the couple met, lost a significant amount of weight later on (due to stress, a medical condition, or desired lifestyle change)...and then she found out her husband was not attracted to thinness? What if he thought she looked scrawny and old, when he liked voluptuousness? Should she gain weight so he'll be attracted to her? Or is this a one way street to people who value thinness as a character quality and think heavier people are best described pejoratively?

 

Don't think this doesn't happen. A lot of men like curvy women. Back before America's obesity problems which are not all caused by over indulgence, women used to worry about getting too skinny due to stress, serial childbearing, aging. This is why we had tortuous underwear, down thru history. They weren't all about slimming. Bum rolls and padded bras?

 

So for the few who are saying she should lose weight to please a man, should her size 2 counterpart gain weight to please a man?

 

My brother is the guy who loves big, beautiful women.  I mean women considered morbidly obese. He had one girlfriend who decided to lose weight for medical reasons and he called me to discuss that he was struggling with some disappointment, knew it was wrong because he knew she wanted to lose the weight, and wanted me to tell him out loud he was wrong. He never once said it to her and was careful to voice his support of her choices about weight loss to her and those around her.

 

His wife is now in that situation and he knows the right thing to do is be loving, supportive and encouraging of her no matter what her weight is or whether or not she's doing anything to change it when the doctor told her she should.

 

I had breast augmentation surgery at 30.  I had a congenital defect on one side was made more obvious by being a size 2.  You could see ribs where 1/3 of one breast would've been if it had been typical. My husband never once said anything negative about it. It was just a nonissue.   I did choose to have it fixed after I finished nursing kids and there was money in budget for elective surgery.  When I told him he looked like a deer in headlights for a moment and said sincerely, "I love you exactly the way you are. You can do whatever you want, just don't do it to please me.  I'm happy."

[HS Mom in NC]

If people are going to play the "I just care about your health, that's why I'm bringing this up" then be consistent.  You should be just as concerned about a person who isn't overweight but doesn't exercise enough.  If you have a history of being just as vocal about that then I'll take you seriously about the weight thing.  Oh, and you have to be consistent about exercise in your own life too to demonstrate that it really is your underlying motivation.

[Ann.without.an.e]

This thread reminds me of when we were first parents and all of the single people and couples without kids had so many answers and so much criticism.  I learned a long, long time ago that you don't take advice or criticism from those who haven't walked the path. Those who have never had kids are the perfect parents.  Those who have never been overweight or ever had problems losing weight are the perfect dieters/health experts.  No, until you've walked the path a while in the other person's shoes, you just really don't understand what it is like. To judge their journey is insensitive and ignorant.  

 

 

Edited October 25, 2017 by Attolia

[Ausmumof3]

Scarlett, what if your husband said "your face is ugly to me"? Could you unhear that? I have heard "you are not attractive to me because of your size" and I can't unhear that. Like Happiduck said, it can't be unheard. What if you couldn't afford to go have a surgical face change? Should you go into debt for it? To make your husband happy? The problem is that you are still leaning on the idea that everyone has control over it. I understand that for many people weight can be controlled. Less Ben and Jerry's and more movement. But that isn't the case for everyone. It isn't just like bathing and deodorant for everyone. And you can say science doesn't back me. Well, I have had two physicians tell me that science doesn't back that teething in a baby causes a fever either but everyone I know IRL will call that hogwash.

Besides science does back you. There are numerous studies and reviews that show that in a very high percentage of cases weight loss is temporary and is almost always regained.

[creekland]

Besides science does back you. There are numerous studies and reviews that show that in a very high percentage of cases weight loss is temporary and is almost always regained.

 

Even when folks were on shows like The Biggest Loser.

 

As we change, our metabolism changes, and it doesn't always change back.  It usually doesn't.

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/health/biggest-loser-weight-loss.html

 

The science is there for folks who choose not to ignore it.  Some prefer to keep their belief in traditional thought rather than science.

[Ausmumof3]

This man freely admits that he gains weight due to his lifestyle choices. He's not shy about it, and he doesn't make any excuses for it.

 

He considers it to be his wife's problem, not his, if she doesn't like it that he weighs 400 pounds.

I'm not saying it's the case here but when I've been fatter I've sometimes joked like this but it's actually not how I feel. It's a way of covering deeper pain.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Honestly, it sounds like the attractiveness thing isn't REALLy the issue. With this new info, it sounds like this man is seriously depressed and THAT attitude can be very very toxic. It also sounds like he doesn't care to extend his life to help his mate. Honestly, that level of super morbid obesity with no effort to change is like a slow form of suicide and I'd think they were needing mental health help ASAP. Because again, no normal health person ACTUALLY likes being so fat they can't move without pain, or being so heavy they need help wiping their bottom.

 

That doesn't mean he doesn't say he doesn't care, because admitting he does care but is powerless to control it makes him sound weak. Men don't like to sound weak. So acting like a jack ass and saying he doesn't care is more safe emotionally.

But...you can't make people accept help. It is toxic I agree but a spouse can discuss, explain, urge and plead and if help isn't accepted there you are still sitting at square one.

 

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[Catwoman]

I'm not saying it's the case here but when I've been fatter I've sometimes joked like this but it's actually not how I feel. It's a way of covering deeper pain.

I understand that can be the case, and I think it's a common defense mechanism. But this couple has been married for over 30 years and aside from the physical attraction issue, their relationship seems very strong and it seems like they talk to each other about everything, so when the wife told me that he's happy the way he is and that he still feels he's attractive, I believe her.

 

Maybe he doesn't see a 400 pound man when he looks in the mirror. I really have no idea. But I do feel badly for her because she wants to be physically attracted to him, but it's just not happening.

[Catwoman]

Honestly, it sounds like the attractiveness thing isn't REALLy the issue. With this new info, it sounds like this man is seriously depressed and THAT attitude can be very very toxic. It also sounds like he doesn't care to extend his life to help his mate. Honestly, that level of super morbid obesity with no effort to change is like a slow form of suicide and I'd think they were needing mental health help ASAP. Because again, no normal health person ACTUALLY likes being so fat they can't move without pain, or being so heavy they need help wiping their bottom.

 

That doesn't mean he doesn't say he doesn't care, because admitting he does care but is powerless to control it makes him sound weak. Men don't like to sound weak. So acting like a jack ass and saying he doesn't care is more safe emotionally.

As I just mentioned in my response to Ausmom, his wife doesn't believe he is depressed. I believe she would know if he was.

 

When he is at home, he likes to relax and snack and watch TV. He doesn't do any work around the house or in the yard because he hires people to handle those things. But he also goes out to lunch with different friends and clients just about every day of the week, and he and his wife socialize with people over dinner several evenings a week as well. I think he still plays golf on the weekends, but he always uses a golf cart so he's not getting much exercise -- and I remember that he always had a meal at the club after he was done golfing. So he seems like a happy guy, but pretty much everything he does has some sort of food component to it.

 

I suspect he probably has a food addiction issue, but I'm certainly no expert on that topic. I know his wife is very concerned about his health and has suggested counseling to him, but he doesn't think there's anything wrong with himself either mentally or physically. He has been very lucky that he hasn't had any medical issues yet, but I think his wife has good reason for insisting that he keep getting regular checkups by his regular doctor and a few different specialists.

 

Overall, they are both nice people and I hope everything works out for them.

[Catwoman]

But...you can't make people accept help. It is toxic I agree but a spouse can discuss, explain, urge and plead and if help isn't accepted there you are still sitting at square one.

 

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:iagree:

 

That's the thing -- you can't force someone to get help if they won't acknowledge that there is a problem. That's what's so hard on the woman I know. I'm sure it is a very helpless feeling.