Physical attraction in marriage

[ktgrok]

I guess I'd be talking with my husband's doctor? I mean, he can claim he's healthy all he wants, but he's not going to live long at that weight. A good friend from high school recently had weight loss surgery after visiting his primary care doctor. His primary care doctor asked him, "Did you see the elderly guy in the waiting room that's about your size?" When my friend said no the doctor replied, "That's right, because there aren't any."

 

Again, I'd assume this guy wants to lose the weight but thinks it is impossible. I'd be addressing it with him from a health angle,a nd wanting to keep him around a long time. Not from an attractiveness stand point. My husband doesn't get enough sleep and has too much stress. I do talk to him about that, but not because it gives him circles under his eyes and makes him less attractive, but because I know it leads to health issues. 

[Ausmumof3]

I understand that can be the case, and I think it's a common defense mechanism. But this couple has been married for over 30 years and aside from the physical attraction issue, their relationship seems very strong and it seems like they talk to each other about everything, so when the wife told me that he's happy the way he is and that he still feels he's attractive, I believe her.

 

Maybe he doesn't see a 400 pound man when he looks in the mirror. I really have no idea. But I do feel badly for her because she wants to be physically attracted to him, but it's just not happening.

That could be true. Body dysmorphia or something. I did know someone like this once and eventually the dr told him he was at risk of a heart attack. He did get control of his weight quickly after that, probably because he didn't have any depression or any of the many health issues that can contribute to weight.

 

I do think this is more likely to be the case with men than women because they experience slightly less social pressure about weight gain.

[AimeeM]

When my husband's weight got to the point where it became a life-threatening issue for him, delicacy went out the window. He's been told by his doctors that if something doesn't change, he isn't going to live much longer. His sleep apnea being the biggest concern at the moment, but hardly the only one.

Am I supposed to just shut up about it and let it ride, because never mind that he may die, as long as his feelings aren't hurt? I build him up -- he knows I love him, I find him attractive regardless, and he knows that I'll do what I need to to keep him around.

Actually, I think I disagree.  Based on this board, and what I've read, I don't think many people could pull it off without it coming off as fat shaming.  Why? Because our society is so fat shaming.  There are still so many people who think like some of the people on this board.  Heck, even physicians are rarely educated and up to date about obesity unless they are in the field.  

 

By talking about it, you are saying I want you to be a different weight.  Do you think they don't get that they're fat?? Even obese??  Do you think that they don't wonder if they repulse you???   Do you think that they don't worry about their health???

 

Understand that the fat person already hates themselves because of their weight.  They've heard all the weight bias and fat shaming their whole lives.  If  they've never been fat before, they may believe it even more.  Thinness is viewed as a moral superior status in this country, kind of like being rich.  Right now, there is not a good way out there to get to be a different weight if you are obese or morbidly obese.  Even bariatric surgery (which is a major undertaking and not a guarantee of thinness) doesn't offer thinness.  It may for a few years, but a lifetime? Debatable...and it can come with its own complications.  Understand that the obese woman next to you on the train, likely knows more about nutrition, obesity, exercise theory, etc. than most in the field.  People who've been obese their whole lives, they've been searching for a solution their whole lives.

 

You can suggest that you guys go on a walk together after dinner.  You can cook a little differently, or a lot differently.  But I think that this is a really delicate conversation, and in the end, the person who is obese needs to make the changes they can make and are comfortable with.  Risk the diet if they want to, knowing it will likely make them end up more obese.  Risk the surgery.  Etc.   I worry that you risk doing a lot more harm to the person you love by discussing it.  IF they bring it up, then sure.  But if not, I'd  honestly stay quiet or try and build them up.  They already feel like crap.

 

[ktgrok]

When my husband's weight got to the point where it became a life-threatening issue for him, delicacy went out the window. He's been told by his doctors that if something doesn't change, he isn't going to live much longer. His sleep apnea being the biggest concern at the moment, but hardly the only one.

Am I supposed to just shut up about it and let it ride, because never mind that he may die, as long as his feelings aren't hurt? I build him up -- he knows I love him, I find him attractive regardless, and he knows that I'll do what I need to to keep him around.

 

Wanting to save your husband's life is not the same as telling him you find him unattractive. 

[creekland]

When my husband's weight got to the point where it became a life-threatening issue for him, delicacy went out the window. He's been told by his doctors that if something doesn't change, he isn't going to live much longer. His sleep apnea being the biggest concern at the moment, but hardly the only one.

Am I supposed to just shut up about it and let it ride, because never mind that he may die, as long as his feelings aren't hurt? I build him up -- he knows I love him, I find him attractive regardless, and he knows that I'll do what I need to to keep him around.

 

That's the part missing from the others.  I'm attracted to my guy because of who he is inside, not outside.  I'll cook healthier meals, we try to exercise together, we watch out for each other and share info we learn, but even when his body changes from age, weight, disease, accidents, or whatever, I can't fathom finding him unattractive.

 

If he changes who he is inside (drug/alcohol abuse, big personality change for some reason or another), then I don't know.  We haven't been there and a bit would depend upon actual circumstances and causes I suspect, but his body?  That's just the container created so we can enjoy the benefits of our attraction.  It's ok if that changes (to me - and him).  Mine certainly has changed over the past 29 years.  His too.  Weight is only part of it all.

[Scarlett]

If you don't know, you need help. Seriously. A social skills class or something.

 

You are calling people liars, essentially. And saying they are fat for no reason other than gluttony or sloth. That you can't figure out why those things would be hurtful is either a sign of needing help with social functioning or BS.

Oh please. I am not calling any of you liars. I only know what you post here and if you say you can't lose weight I guess you can't. I am talking about people in general.

[amy g.]

I'm not at all implying this is the case with the wives mentioned in these posts. I'm sure it isn't.

 

But in my experience, when my friends start coming to me and telling me they don't find their husband attractive any longer. They always have already set their eyes on his replacement.

 

They come to me with complaints looking for agreement and time after time, I'm disappointed when I find out they were just looking for an excuse to move on to the next Mr. Right.

[SeaConquest]

I am with Arctic Mama and the numerous other people struggling with obesity. I am currently pre-op for bariatric surgery. I have been attending a 6 month class that Kaiser requires prior to surgery. We had about 30 people in my cohort at the beginning of class. There are 3 people who have lost substantial weight during the course of the class, such that they are no longer going to have surgery. They took the information in the course, applied it, and lost weight. We are all thrilled for them.

 

The other 27 of us are still obese for a variety of known and unknown reasons -- some have medical conditions that make movement difficult, some take medications that put weight on them, some battle food addiction (which, like any other addiction, is a medical condition and not because of gluttony), some have extensive family histories of obesity (suggesting a genetic link), some combine many of these issues, and some struggle with obesity for unknown reasons. All of us will be required to make substantial changes to our lives forever post-op. We are well educated about the demands that will be placed on us after surgery. We are willing to do so because we have exhausted all other options. We have dieted, we have exercised, we have taken diet pills -- all to no avail.

 

Things my doctors have said to me over the years:

 

"There is still so much we don't know about obesity."

 

"Monique, once you are morbidly obese, you have a 5% chance of ever not being morbidly obese without surgery."

 

"We don't know exactly why bariatric surgery works. It may have something to do with changes in the gut microbiome."

 

What they do know is that many patients basically wake up from surgery never needing diabetes and heart medications again. That makes no physiological sense whatsoever. These patients haven't even begun to lose any weight! How could these serious illnesses be ameliorated so rapidly? And, if bariatric surgery is really just surgical anorexia, why don't people continue to lose weight, as anorexics do? Why does it appear that these patients have reset their set points? (Patients typically lose for 12-24 months, and then it stops, and patients maintain around that new weight. People who couldn't lose weight when obese are suddenly able to do "the right things" to maintain, when those "right things" didn't work at their obese weight)?

 

I mention all of this because it seems that several posters opining in this thread don't have a clue as to the medical state of obesity.

 

Re the op, I have a much younger, much sexier husband. But, if he ever mentioned (even "kindly") that my body was no longer attractive to him, it would be the end of physical intimacy as we have known it. As others have said, that bell cannot be unrung. 

Edited October 25, 2017 by SeaConquest

[Murphy101]

Oh please. I am not calling any of you liars. I only know what you post here and if you say you can't lose weight I guess you can't. I am talking about people in general.

What you are missing is that what you think is general about people is not. They are speaking to the fact that people are in general dealing with private traumas every single day though very few are open and honest with others about it.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Murphy101

[OneStepAtATime]

I understand that can be the case, and I think it's a common defense mechanism. But this couple has been married for over 30 years and aside from the physical attraction issue, their relationship seems very strong and it seems like they talk to each other about everything, so when the wife told me that he's happy the way he is and that he still feels he's attractive, I believe her.

 

Maybe he doesn't see a 400 pound man when he looks in the mirror. I really have no idea. But I do feel badly for her because she wants to be physically attracted to him, but it's just not happening.

Just an observation here but if they have been married over 30 years then the super athletic man that she knew and married had a much faster very youthful metabolism and that doesn't exist now. He's at least middle aged. The fact that he put on THAT much weight indicates to me that this is possibly more than just aging and a lifestyle change, too, though. Even with poor diet and lack of exercise, gaining over 200 pounds would indicate to me possible underlying undiagnosed medical issues. Maybe thyroid related or something. I'd at least hope he would get a full physical with complete blood work up to confirm he's o.k. otherwise and if I were his wife I would be encouraging him to do so in a very loving and supportive way (but TBH I would not have said I was no longer attracted to him).

 

FWIW, DH and I both were super thin and muscular when we first met. It wasn't that much effort to be so. In fact it took almost no effort.

 

Now? Between us we've gained the weight of another full grown man. I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant. I don't eat more than I used to but it takes tremendous, massive, consistent daily effort to remain at the weight I was 2-3 decades ago. I just don't have the mental or physical energy or the time to put into it. I try to eat healthy, keep portions small and get daily movement in and the majority of the time I succeed but I don't have a 25 year old body anymore and I don't make having my 25 year old body back as one of my top priorities. I don't fault DH for not having his 25 year old body as a nearly 50 year old either.

 

400 pounds is a lot of weight, though, especially since apparently your friend's DH was very athletic and thin in his youth. I would be so worried about possible underlying causes AND long term health issues that can occur with lots of extra weight.

 

Honestly though, tackling digging in to find out what is happening and then also facing trying to drop that much weight in a healthy way could seem overwhelming and insurmountable. I don't know that I could. He may really not feel that he can, so he puts it back on his wife to save face and avoid a sense of failure. Not saying that's a good choice. Just saying that might be one reason he says what he does.

Edited October 25, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[Catwoman]

Just an observation here but if they have been married over 30 years then the super athletic man that she knew and married had a much faster very youthful metabolism and that doesn't exist now. He's at least middle aged. The fact that he put on THAT much weight indicates to me that this is possibly more than just aging and a lifestyle change, too, though. Even with poor diet and lack of exercise, gaining over 200 pounds would indicate to me possible underlying undiagnosed medical issues. Maybe thyroid related or something. I'd at least hope he would get a full physical with complete blood work up to confirm he's o.k. otherwise and if I were his wife I would be encouraging him to do so in a very loving and supportive way (but TBH I would not have said I was no longer attracted to him).

 

FWIW, DH and I both were super thin and muscular when we first met. It wasn't that much effort to be so. In fact it took almost no effort.

 

Now? Between us we've gained the weight of another full grown man. I weigh more than I did when I was pregnant. I don't eat more than I used to but it takes tremendous, massive, consistent daily effort to remain at the weight I was 2-3 decades ago. I just don't have the mental or physical energy or the time to put into it. I try to eat healthy, keep portions small and get daily movement in and the majority of the time I succeed but I don't have a 25 year old body anymore and I don't make having my 25 year old body back as one of my top priorities. I don't fault DH for not having his 25 year old body as a nearly 50 year old either.

 

400 pounds is a lot of weight, though, especially since apparently your friend's DH was very athletic and thin in his youth. I would be so worried about possible underlying causes AND long term health issues that can occur with lots of extra weight.

 

Honestly though, tackling digging in to find out what is happening and then also facing trying to drop that much weight in a healthy way could seem overwhelming and insurmountable. I don't know that I could. He may really not feel that he can, so he puts it back on his wife to save face and avoid a sense of failure. Not saying that's a good choice. Just saying that might be one reason he says what he does.

Thanks. :)

 

I will probably never know for sure exactly how the guy is feeling; I can only go by what his wife told me, and since she hasn't asked for my advice, I'm going to assume she and her husband will work this out on their own. I know she has been very firm with him about monitoring his health and seeing his doctors regularly, but beyond that, I'm not sure what else she is doing. I do know he said no to her suggestion to get counseling, though.

 

I was just curious about what others would think about her situation, and reading all of the responses has been very interesting. I have been on my phone quite a bit this afternoon and tonight so I didn't get a chance to reply to everyone who commented on my posts, and I hope no one thinks I was being intentionally rude if I missed anything. I do a lot better when I'm on my iPad than when I'm on my phone! :)

[Catwoman]

Two people get married. They are attracted to each other. Years go by. Spouse A tries to stay in shape, Spouse B does not. More years go by. Spouse B is overweight. They are still in love and have a good marriage but Spouse A is not physically attracted to Spouse B. What should Spouse A do?

Moxie, I just wanted to apologize to you -- I had no idea that my story about the couple I know would have hijacked your thread, and I'm very sorry about that!

 

I'll stop posting about it now and hope you will post again so we can get back to the situation in your OP.

 

I don't know what Spouse A should do. Does Spouse B know how Spouse A feels?

 

My dh is about the same weight he was when I married him, but I think he was self-conscious about the huge scar he got from his transplant surgery and wondered if I would find him unattractive because of it, but I was so relieved and thankful that the surgery worked that I view the scar as a very positive thing. But even if it bothered me, I don't think I would have ever told him because I wouldn't have wanted to hurt his feelings. If he had gained some weight, he's the type of person whose appearance is important to him, so he would probably be far more bothered by it than I would be, and I know he would try to lose the extra weight. But if he gained 200 pounds like the guy I know and didn't seem to care about it at all, I don't think I would be physically attracted to him, even though I would still love him. Maybe that's shallow, but it is what it is.

 

 

(Edited for clarity because I don't always make sense at 2:30am!)

Edited October 25, 2017 by Catwoman

[ktgrok]

I am with Arctic Mama and the numerous other people struggling with obesity. I am currently pre-op for bariatric surgery. 

 

 

 

Just wanted to say congrats on taking the steps needed, and I hope your surgery goes wonderfully! I'm about 2 1/2 years post op and it was the best thing I ever did in my life. Honestly....I am still overweight. In fact, my BMI is right at 30 right now (got down to 29 before getting pregnant) so technically obese. But there is SUCH a huge difference between how i am right now and where I was....night and day. Life is easier. My back doesn't hurt. I don't have stress incontinence. But mostly, I can go about my day blending in as "normal". I no longer have to spend every minute of my life wondering if people are judging me about my weight, scrutinizing my shopping cart to see why I'm so fat, judging my restaurant order, etc. Am I skinny? No. Would I like to be? Sure. But I'm normal. I can walk into any store and find clothes (size 12 or 14 depending on cut) vs needing to go to "special stores" or special departments and just take what they had. I don't worry if a restaurant booth will be too small. I don't PANIC over being weighed at a medical check up. Anyone who thinks someone LIKES being morbidly obese has never been there. 

[Scarlett]

Obviously because I have never been overweight I am not qualified to have an opinion about the topic. I do want to clarify a few points though.

 

Staying not over weight is not 'easy' for me. And I am post menopausal which has changed everything. I have gained 15 pounds since I got married 7 years ago and I do struggle to not gain more.

 

I have a lot of friends who are obese and/ or morbidly obese. One had surgery about 8 years ago, lost 95 pounds and she has gained it all back and more. I believe once they get to that point all the rules change and their body is not going to respond to weight loss attempts the way it once might have. However, I also am very close to several of these people and I KNOW how they live their lives and they make many many bad choices every day. But I am not allowed to say that because I have never been there.

 

I guess my point is why can't we be honest with our mate BEFORE it gets to that point? Or our children? I asked my Dh last night what he would do if I gained a bunch of weight. He said, 'get over it'. I said, 'what does that mean?' He said well what could I do? I am married to you.' I reminded him our our pre-marriage conversation and he grinned. I asked him if he would be fine with it. He said no. So we talked a lot about it and we agreed we will hold each other accountable if we see it becoming a problem. I would not consider it a kindess if my husband said nothing to me as I crept up to obesity.

 

Our entire culture has become so defensive about excess weight that it feels like we have lost all common sense. Like saying Cat's friend is the one with the problem because she didn't like it that her spouse has gained 200 pounds!

 

I am sorry that so many of you seem to struggle with weight. And I sincerely apologize if I have made any of you feel worthless.

[8circles]

 Like saying Cat's friend is the one with the problem because she didn't like it that her spouse has gained 200 pounds!

 

 

Nobody said that.

[GinaPagnato]

Let's not forget that this thread has gone down many, MANY trails, and is now addressing variations on the OP.

 

"Two people get married. They are attracted to each other. Years go by. Spouse A tries to stay in shape, Spouse B does not. More years go by. Spouse B is overweight. They are still in love and have a good marriage but Spouse A is not physically attracted to Spouse B. What should Spouse A do?"

 

This says to me that Spouse B is "overweight", not obese. This says nothing about health problems being the reason for Spouse B's weight problems, although it's possible. But since the OP doesn't say that, we should assume health problems aren't a contributing factor to the weight gain. This says that Spouse B *does not try to stay in shape* while Spouse A does.

 

I feel like the answer to the question "What should Spouse A do" was probably addressed earlier on in the thread before emotions and word choices became inflamed and people were alternately shamed and attacked.

 

But then again, this is the Hive, and lively discourse and provocative statements are some of the reasons many of us hang out here. So much more interesting than the geography I'm supposed to be grading! :001_smile:

[ktgrok]

I would not consider it a kindess if my husband said nothing to me as I crept up to obesity.

 

 

 

Because otherwise you would know you were gaining weight??? You don't have a scale, or notice your clothes are higher, having to buy bigger sizes, own a mirror? The only way you'd know you are gaining weight is if your spouse tells you?

 

Cause I gotta say, pretty sure the one gaining the weight already knows they are getting fat. 

 

What's that saying? Is it True, is it Helpful, is it Kind? Something like that? Telling someone they are getting fat might be true, but it isn't helpful nor is it kind. 

[creekland]

So much more interesting than the geography I'm supposed to be grading! :001_smile:

 

I'm supposed to be cleaning house... but then got a text reminding me to e-mail my Jordan boy our Banana Bread recipe and somehow or another, my computer flipped over to The Hive right after I hit the send button.  I've absolutely no idea how it happened.   :closedeyes:

 

Now my sister is texting me pretty continually.  She blew her knee out on the job yesterday and is dealing with getting an MRI, Workman's comp, and tons of pain.  Obviously I can't clean my house while texting with her.  For whatever reason, catching up on Hive threads is something I can do though.   :lol:

[GinaPagnato]

To be fair, it really depends on the dynamics in the relationship and the personalities involved.

 

I have absolutely had times in my life that I didn't realize how much weight I had gained. Like I knew I had gained *some*, but was completely shocked when I stepped on the scale at my doctor's office or saw myself in a photograph. I think for some people the mind can justify, minimize, and deceive.

 

Having said that, if my DH told me I was gaining weight and therefore he was no longer attracted to me, I would be devastated. That's also why I would never say it to him. Instead I encourage him to exercise regularly and try to have healthy foods prepared for him at home.

 

But I can completely imagine (and actually I know some personally) couples for whom it wouldn't be devastating to hear that they've noticed the spouse has put on a little weight. NOT the "I'm not attracted to you" part, but just the observation of weight gain, even with the implicit statement that they ought to do something about it.

 

Case in point, our friend whose wife told him his gut was getting out of hand. He sheepishly agreed, and cut way down on beer and pizza. He wasn't hurt by her remarks; he heard them and did something. Had she said she wasn't attracted to him, that may have been a whole other story. But I have to say that for some couples, the mere mention that, "Hey, I think you're gaining some weight. How can I help you?" wouldn't be relationship-wrecking.

[Scarlett]

Because otherwise you would know you were gaining weight??? You don't have a scale, or notice your clothes are higher, having to buy bigger sizes, own a mirror? The only way you'd know you are gaining weight is if your spouse tells you?

 

Cause I gotta say, pretty sure the one gaining the weight already knows they are getting fat.

 

What's that saying? Is it True, is it Helpful, is it Kind? Something like that? Telling someone they are getting fat might be true, but it isn't helpful nor is it kind.

It would be helpful to me. Sometimes we can lie to ourselves and a good mate or friend will help with that.

 

Ymmv.

[Bluegoat]

I'm kind of surprised that people think there is someone at 400lbs that doesn't care about losing weight because he likes to eat.

 

That really isn't a contradiction to the idea that losing weight is generally difficult, or that many or most people who struggle that way aren't just eating as much as they want all the time.

 

It also would likely be the case that Cat's friend's husband would have troubles losing to some extent or health effects, and that it impacts his health now.   "Relatively healthy for 400lbs isn't the same as no effects.

 

But there are some people who have such an attachment to something that they will disregard certain other things, even serious health consequences, death, or their spouse's well-being, to pursue them.  Especially if they feel that they are at least partly getting away with it (which could be dumb luck or even a mirage, but people tend to interpret it favourably.).

 

Given that this occurs with other facets of life, I don't see why not with food.  You might say such a person was mentally ill, in having such an attachment, but that seems to rather in the territory of making mental illness less than it really is.  My great-grandfather ate himself to death via diabetes - no one knows if he would have improved because he never tried.  I've seen people do similar things with sex, and even a hobby.

 

Eating is an unusual one maybe for us because it's so culturally taboo, not many people would not care at all about that kind of weight gain.  But I have no problem believing it happens.  And there are lots of people who are less extreme examples.

 

That in no way means that people who struggle aren't struggling - not everybody is the same.

[SparklyUnicorn]

If it is about food addiction or using food for mental health reasons...holy cow I cannot fathom the difficulty.  It's not like booze where you can opt to remove yourself from it completely.  You cannot opt to stop eating.  You have to live intimately with your addiction every.single.day.  That's not going to go away just because you manage to lose weight. 

[Murphy101]

Because otherwise you would know you were gaining weight??? You don't have a scale, or notice your clothes are higher, having to buy bigger sizes, own a mirror? The only way you'd know you are gaining weight is if your spouse tells you?

 

Cause I gotta say, pretty sure the one gaining the weight already knows they are getting fat.

 

What's that saying? Is it True, is it Helpful, is it Kind? Something like that? Telling someone they are getting fat might be true, but it isn't helpful nor is it kind.

Actually..... I honestly didn’t know. I new I wasn’t a tiny woman anymore, but I didn’t really know just how big I had gotten.

 

I have never owned a scale.

 

I bought clothes, but the numbers in women’s clothing are nuts. For example, I bought a top for my 110lb dd16 yesterday that was a “Size 8 - XL†what in Sam hell reality is any kind of size 8 any kind of large? How is any woman supposed to gauge anything realistic about herself from clothing shopping?

 

I’d ask husband and he’d just love on me and say fat bottomed girls rock his world. *eyeroll*

 

I don’t really look in mirrors much. Sometimes days go by without doing so. I don’t wear makeup daily and have no floor length mirrors. And I have never liked being in a photo, so that rarely happened.

 

For me the notice of fatness came at a family reunion. How crap. I looked huge in the pictures. And yes, I was ticked as dh for not telling me. But then again, dh just said as long as I wasn’t in health danger then it didn’t matter to him. But it matters to me, so that now matters to him.

 

But it’s hard to lose weight even when it’s not obese levels. And it is not about will power either. If it was, I’d be forever size 6. *said as someone who lost 60lb and then had her hormones go to crap and a husband unemployeed*

Edited October 25, 2017 by Murphy101

[kiana]

If it is about food addiction or using food for mental health reasons...holy cow I cannot fathom the difficulty.  It's not like booze where you can opt to remove yourself from it completely.  You cannot opt to stop eating.  You have to live intimately with your addiction every.single.day.  That's not going to go away just because you manage to lose weight. 

 

Yeah. It's like being an alcoholic who has to live in a bar and be offered free drinks by everyone daily and "Oh come on, one won't hurt" when you decline (which is what people DO). 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah. It's like being an alcoholic who has to live in a bar and be offered free drinks by everyone daily and "Oh come on, one won't hurt" when you decline (which is what people DO). 

 

OMG yeah.  Thank goodness I don't live near my MIL.  She's the worst offender.  She literally gets angry if you turn down food.  Seriously.  She will harass and badmouth you over it.  It's no wonder my DH has issues.  Took him years to realize that REALLY he does not need to finish everything on his plate always no matter what and then go for 2nds and 3rds. 

[kiana]

Because otherwise you would know you were gaining weight??? You don't have a scale, or notice your clothes are higher, having to buy bigger sizes, own a mirror? The only way you'd know you are gaining weight is if your spouse tells you?

 

Cause I gotta say, pretty sure the one gaining the weight already knows they are getting fat.

 

I can only say that while I knew I was gaining weight, I had no real idea how large I had gotten. All my pants were elastic-waist and so they could stretch quite a bit before I needed new ones, and when I looked in the mirror I saw the same person as the girl who weighed 50 lbs less. 

[Bluegoat]

Yeah, I put on some weight - no idea how much - but I didn't realize until I suddenly clued in that wiping my butt was not as easy as it had been.  And photos still surprise me - I am a plump lady

 

My self image is a university kid who could barely keep enough weight on.

 

I think people often realize they are heavier, but not how much.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It can be difficult to realize in a way.  Not that I didn't realize it, but it didn't seem like a big deal to me.  What's crappy is I still feel exactly the same way being thin as being fat.  So it's not like I feel SO AWESOME or think I even look thin.  I see myself just as fat and only when I pull out an old piece of clothing do I get any sense for it.  There isn't much of a difference in my mind.  Maybe because it is so gradual. 

[kiana]

What's crappy is I still feel exactly the same way being thin as being fat.  So it's not like I feel SO AWESOME or think I even look thin.  I see myself just as fat and only when I pull out an old piece of clothing do I get any sense for it.  There isn't much of a difference in my mind.  Maybe because it is so gradual. 

 

Yep! I still go to the store and instinctively head to the plus sizes section.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yep! I still go to the store and instinctively head to the plus sizes section.

 

I was in shock the last time I went shopping for clothes.  I grabbed what I would have been thrilled to discover was my new size only to discover that I was even 2 sizes smaller than that!  I had no idea...none...

[Murphy101]

It can be difficult to realize in a way. Not that I didn't realize it, but it didn't seem like a big deal to me. What's crappy is I still feel exactly the same way being thin as being fat. So it's not like I feel SO AWESOME or think I even look thin. I see myself just as fat and only when I pull out an old piece of clothing do I get any sense for it. There isn't much of a difference in my mind. Maybe because it is so gradual.

I did notice a major change when I lost weight. It was easier to do so many things. A lot of pain reduction. More energy. (It’s exhausting carrying 60# around 24/7!). Fewer mood swings.

 

And yet, because of all those things and many more, it’s still really hard to lose weight.

[regentrude]

We have talked about this on the boards before. In fact, this is where I learned everything I know about people with low sex drive.

First, I'd have her take vitamins and amino acids that help to balance her own hormones. I'd add a daily dose of Maca for "sexual wellbeing".

It has also been suggested that women can use lubricant well before bed time to get in the mood.

Personally, I'd add a romantic movie or book for myself. I'd start each day with a list of 10 things that are irreplaceable about my husband. I'd set the mood with candles and soft music.

I'd recognize that I'm the one with the problem.

 

Absence of sex drive is a medical condition, just like obesity.

 

Your "advice" is as unhelpful to a woman suffering from it as telling a morbidly obsese person to cut out soda.

 

 

[Word Nerd]

NM

Edited October 25, 2017 by Word Nerd

[regentrude]

I'm reminded of a book I read as a teenager. It's about a teen girl, and in the beginning she's "in love" with a fellow surfer. They are the golden couple, and have great fun together, etc. It's great. Then he has a terrible accident and ends up in the hospital for a long time, growing pale, thin, etc. She starts dreading visiting and feels terrible about herself for falling out of love with him over for shallow reasons. 

 

Later, her beloved and elderly cat dies. She cries, and thinks about how much she loved the cat, and loved to snuggle it even when his fur had grown sparse and coarse, and his eyes were runny, and he'd gotten bony. 

 

And she realizes, THAT was true love, where the shallow surface stuff didn't matter....she kept on loving. What she'd had with the surfer was superficial to start with, so when that went there was nothing left. (in the end they became friends and he fell for a hospital volunteer I think..I loved that book)

 

I find that many posts in this thread are conflating physical attraction and love.

The OP did not say spouse A no longer loves spouse B, but that spouse A is no longer physically attracted to spouse B.

I find these are completely different things. Wedding vows are about love and support; you don't vow to have the hots for one another until death us part.

Aging and illness will, in many cases, lead to a loss of physical attraction. Continuing to love despite of that is what makes a marriage.

[regentrude]

The post you quoted is not directed at anyone known to be suffering from a low sex drive. The issue is that she is not physically attracted to her husband. Telling her to “get over it,†as several posters in this thread have, is surely the most unhelpful “advice†offered in this thread.

 

The poster to whom I replied was judging the wife for being self centered, overly concerned with her emotions, and not "fixing" her problem, without recognizing that the wife's condition may be equally valid.

Telling her to put herself in the mood by lighting candles and reading romance is minimizing that this is a real issue.

Edited October 25, 2017 by regentrude

[Crimson Wife]

Interesting that you find these similar.  Personally, I've never found the behavior of an alcoholic (or any other drug) abuser to be even remotely similar to the person who enjoys their french fries and ice cream too much.

 

It doesn't matter whether it is alcohol or junk food that is being consumed compulsively and to the detriment of that person's health. The individual needs to stop consuming the poison and seek out treatment if he/she cannot do so. There are medications that can help (and interestingly enough, naltrexone is approved for both alcohol abuse and overeating). 

[Ann.without.an.e]

nm

Edited October 25, 2017 by Attolia

[amy g.]

Absence of sex drive is a medical condition, just like obesity.

 

Your "advice" is as unhelpful to a woman suffering from it as telling a morbidly obsese person to cut out soda.

Which is exactly why I prefaced my comment with "All I know about low sex drive is what I have read on these boards.

 

But let's go with your example anyway.

 

Who would feel differently about the husband if you found out that he had a major soda habit but had been working on it, and had gone 90 days without a soda?

 

What if it hadn't really resulted in weight loss? It is hard to argue that he hadn't made a step towards better health, and his success might just spur him on to another tiny step like walking to the mail box each day?

 

Who would feel differently about the husband if he started going to the gym and eating better, but continued to insist that he only over ate because his wife is a nag or because she doesn't clean the house enough or wear make up?

 

I don't have sympathy for the wife because she has a problem that she wants to blame on someone else.

 

If she were to take my ineffective advice. It would fail to solve the real problem, but it might start her down the road to seeing a doctor or some other solution, which might or might not help, but it would show her partner that she knows she is a problem and is committed to seeking a solution. Just like quitting soda would for the husband.

 

Instead, she says, "I would feel better if he would only do...." that is just immature.

 

Sadly, as I said, if one of my friends came to me complaining about their husband's weight, they would not be open to looking at what they can do to change their own response to his weight gain. They would not be open to changing their own behavior, even as a first step towards a solution.

 

They would just be looking for a way to introduce the conversation about how much they want me to meet their new love who is perfect and never going to have problems like their current spouse does.

 

It is sad but true.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Absence of sex drive is a medical condition, just like obesity.

 

Your "advice" is as unhelpful to a woman suffering from it as telling a morbidly obsese person to cut out soda.

 

thank you

 

And the advice doesn't work if you have an actual medical condition. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

as a person with this problem, I can assure you I have never BLAMED anyone for it....

 

 

 

Which is exactly why I prefaced my comment with "All I know about low sex drive is what I have read on these boards.

But let's go with your example anyway.

Who would feel differently about the husband if you found out that he had a major soda habit but had been working on it, and had gone 90 days without a soda?

What if it hadn't really resulted in weight loss? It is hard to argue that he hadn't made a step towards better health, and his success might just spur him on to another tiny step like walking to the mail box each day?

Who would feel differently about the husband if he started going to the gym and eating better, but continued to insist that he only over ate because his wife is a nag or because she doesn't clean the house enough or wear make up?

I don't have sympathy for the wife because she has a problem that she wants to blame on someone else.

If she were to take my ineffective advice. It would fail to solve the real problem, but it might start her down the road to seeing a doctor or some other solution, which might or might not help, but it would show her partner that she knows she is a problem and is committed to seeking a solution. Just like quitting soda would for the husband.

Instead, she says, "I would feel better if he would only do...." that is just immature.

Sadly, as I said, if one of my friends came to me complaining about their husband's weight, they would not be open to looking at what they can do to change their own response to his weight gain. They would not be open to changing their own behavior, even as a first step towards a solution.

They would just be looking for a way to introduce the conversation about how much they want me to meet their new love who is perfect and never going to have problems like their current spouse does.

It is sad but true.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

The poster to whom I replied was judging the wife for being self centered, overly concerned with her emotions, and not "fixing" her problem, without recognizing that the wife's condition may be equally valid.

Telling her to put herself in the mood by lighting candles and reading romance is minimizing that this is a real issue.

 

thank you again

 

and I don't see how lube gets someone in the mood either....unless the assumption is (erroneously) that  there is dryness and that's why one isn't in the mood...

[amy g.]

No one said that YOU blamed someone. But the wives in the example did.

[SparklyUnicorn]

your suggestions rubbed me as highly insensitive...

 

believe me, it doesn't come down to any of those things....there is sometimes just some physical problem (which is not quite the same as some sort of mental hurdle)...I can't reason my way through it

 

I have done everything I can do short of taking testosterone (or other hormones)...which..no thank you I'm not doing. 

 

 

[amy g.]

Again, I'm not sure when this discussion became about you rather than the wives in the previous posts.

[Crimson Wife]

When my DH was between permanent positions for 8 months during the Great Recession there were things outside of his control (whether an employer would offer him a job) and there were things within his control (his efforts to land a new job). I see a parallel with being obese. There are things outside the person's control (genes, medical conditions, etc.) and there are things within the person's control (diet and activity). So long as a diligent effort is being made for the things within the person's control, then when those efforts do not pay off, it's a "wow, that really stinks" situation.

 

But if the person isn't making the effort in the first place because of a belief that "diets don't work" or some other excuse, then the individual IS at fault.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm not sure who anyone is talking to anymore.

 

Amy, I was responding to your suggestions for "getting in the mood" because someone with a physical problem in this department wouldn't have much success with it (and has probably already tried those things).  So it felt like you were offering advice for something you don't seem to really understand.  Maybe you were talking about a hypothetical person with a hypothetical problem, but I'm not hypothetical and neither is my problem. 

 

Yes I'm sensitive about this topic.

 

Either way.  I'm not mad or arguing exactly.  Just talking.  Just offering my POV.  That's all. 

[amy g.]

Thanks for the clarification. It is all good.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sometimes low sex drive is NOT a medical condition but a reflection on the state of the relationship.

 

Sometimes low sex drive is - biologically speaking - pretty darn normal.

 

We've talked about this here before, but some of us experience a pronounced drop once we've finished having children. That's not a medical issue.

 

Ugh. I don't like women's natural lives being medicalized. I have actual medical conditions, in that if I don't treat them, I will get very sick. If I don't have sex ? Ain't nothing gonna happen.

 

Yes, very true.  I have always had a very low drive and now it is pretty much non existent.  I think I'm Vulcan.  I become desperately interested once every seven years and then I'm good. 

 

LOL

 

I don't know what it is.  I actually do think I might be low in some hormone (given this has always been an issue for me and btw my mother had the same thing...I recall my parents arguing about it). 

 

Luckily, my spouse isn't a jerk about it.  I do my best, but he doesn't pressure me either.  And I do it because I want to and not because he guilts me or gets upset.  I sometimes wish I could have more of a drive, but I've asked doctors and there really is nothing (safe) out there. 

[Bluegoat]

Sometimes low sex drive is NOT a medical condition but a reflection on the state of the relationship. So the wife in Cat's example ? Telling her to take herbs to 'fix' a relationship that isn't going super well...ugh. Really ?

 

Sometimes low sex drive is - biologically speaking - pretty darn normal.

 

We've talked about this here before, but some of us experience a pronounced drop once we've finished having children. That's not a medical issue.

 

Ugh. I don't like women's natural lives being medicalized. I have actual medical conditions, in that if I don't treat them, I will get very sick. If I don't have sex ? Ain't nothing gonna happen.

 

I think this would be much improved if there wasn't this cultural belief that being fully actualized somehow demands sexual activity.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well I admit I feel like something MUST be wrong with me because some women here have mentioned being in the mood all the time.  WOW..  So what is wrong with me?  I'm in good health...good shape....not overworked...I am very very happy with my relationship...so what gives??  Wish I knew....