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Physical attraction in marriage


Moxie
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Well I admit I feel like something MUST be wrong with me because some women here have mentioned being in the mood all the time.  WOW..  So what is wrong with me?  I'm in good health...good shape....not overworked...I am very very happy with my relationship...so what gives??  Wish I knew....

 

Being in the mood all the time isn't necessarily great either.

 

 

I think a lot of it is hormones, but probably a lot of variation is still "normal".

 

If you lived 200 years ago, you might well be happy not to have to worry about a randiness-induced unplanned pregnancy.

Edited by Bluegoat
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Well, it just seems weird to me that the biological purpose of sex is seen as so inferior to the hedonistic aspect, that we wouldn't even stop to consider that high sex drive is normal during times of high fertility, and low sex drive is normal during times of low fertility, and that as a women's fertility becomes compromised by age, the bio urge might weaken. 

 

Like everything, I'm sure there is a wide range of normal for women. Some women being less affected, some women more. 

 

Doesn't make any of us a market for drugs.

 

This may be a rather controversial statement, but I sometimes feel that materialists very often forget that we are animals.  There is a few areas I've noticed this in.

 

I have no clue why this might be, though.

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Nothing's wrong with you. You're fine, your dh is fine, right ?

 

Honestly, who'd want to be in the mood all the time ? Quite distracting :)

 

Yeah honestly, other women are harder on me regarding this than my husband is.

 

He'd never turn me down.  I'll say that much.  But no he isn't a jerk about it. 

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Well, it just seems weird to me that the biological purpose of sex is seen as so inferior to the hedonistic aspect, that we wouldn't even stop to consider that high sex drive is normal during times of high fertility, and low sex drive is normal during times of low fertility, and that as a women's fertility becomes compromised by age, the bio urge might weaken.

 

Like everything, I'm sure there is a wide range of normal for women. Some women being less affected, some women more.

 

Doesn't make any of us a market for drugs.

Right.

 

Like, me having low libido when breastfeeding--well duh, my body knows full well that it is busy nurturing an infant; makes perfect sense that it wants nothing to do with further reproductive activities at the moment!

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Which is exactly why I prefaced my comment with "All I know about low sex drive is what I have read on these boards.

But let's go with your example anyway.

Who would feel differently about the husband if you found out that he had a major soda habit but had been working on it, and had gone 90 days without a soda?

What if it hadn't really resulted in weight loss? It is hard to argue that he hadn't made a step towards better health, and his success might just spur him on to another tiny step like walking to the mail box each day?

Who would feel differently about the husband if he started going to the gym and eating better, but continued to insist that he only over ate because his wife is a nag or because she doesn't clean the house enough or wear make up?

I don't have sympathy for the wife because she has a problem that she wants to blame on someone else.

If she were to take my ineffective advice. It would fail to solve the real problem, but it might start her down the road to seeing a doctor or some other solution, which might or might not help, but it would show her partner that she knows she is a problem and is committed to seeking a solution. Just like quitting soda would for the husband.

Instead, she says, "I would feel better if he would only do...." that is just immature.

Sadly, as I said, if one of my friends came to me complaining about their husband's weight, they would not be open to looking at what they can do to change their own response to his weight gain. They would not be open to changing their own behavior, even as a first step towards a solution.

They would just be looking for a way to introduce the conversation about how much they want me to meet their new love who is perfect and never going to have problems like their current spouse does.

It is sad but true.

I don't know why you keep insisting that the woman I know is blaming her husband for anything. She is simply not physically attracted to him now that he weighs over 400 pounds. She loves him and she wishes she could feel differently, but she doesn't.

 

If anything, she blames herself for not being able to see past his weight. And she is also extremely concerned about his health.

 

I have to ask again why he is not at all responsible for trying to please his wife. Why should she have to live the rest of her life trying to find a way to feel sexually attracted to her dh's 400 pound (and still gaining) body when he isn't even trying to get himself into even slightly better shape to try to make himself more attractive to her?

 

Why is this all about the woman and her duty to her husband, yet there is no mention of his duty to his wife, even if it's simply to try to be as healthy as he can be, and not exclusively about the physical attraction issue? Aren't marital relationships supposed to be equal?

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I don't know why you keep insisting that the woman I know is blaming her husband for anything. She is simply not physically attracted to him now that he weighs over 400 pounds. She loves him and she wishes she could feel differently, but she doesn't.

 

If anything, she blames herself for not being able to see past his weight. And she is also extremely concerned about his health.

 

I have to ask again why he is not at all responsible for trying to please his wife. Why should she have to live the rest of her life trying to find a way to feel sexually attracted to her dh's 400 pound (and still gaining) body when he isn't even trying to get himself into even slightly better shape to try to make himself more attractive to her?

 

Why is this all about the woman and her duty to her husband, yet there is no mention of his duty to his wife, even if it's simply to try to be as healthy as he can be, and not exclusively about the physical attraction issue? Aren't marital relationships supposed to be equal?

 

Well and to get real, it might actually be quite uncomfortable to have sex with someone if they are that much larger?!  Ya know...practically speaking....

 

I'm short and tiny.  My husband isn't short.  But if he weighed 400 pounds it would  literally be physically difficult to have sex with him.

 

Not trying to be gross, but just keeping it real. 

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Well and to get real, it might actually be quite uncomfortable to have sex with someone if they are that much larger?! Ya know...practically speaking....

 

I'm short and tiny. My husband isn't short. But if he weighed 400 pounds it would literally be physically difficult to have sex with him.

 

Not trying to be gross, but just keeping it real.

That's true -- I hadn't even thought of that! This woman is very petite -- I'm only 5'5" tall and she's more than a few inches shorter than I am, so I'd guess that she's a little over 5 feet tall, and she's very slim.

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Well, it just seems weird to me that the biological purpose of sex is seen as so inferior to the hedonistic aspect, that we wouldn't even stop to consider that high sex drive is normal during times of high fertility, and low sex drive is normal during times of low fertility, and that as a women's fertility becomes compromised by age, the bio urge might weaken. 

 

Like everything, I'm sure there is a wide range of normal for women. Some women being less affected, some women more. 

 

Doesn't make any of us a market for drugs.

 

I agree with most of what you say, but not the bolded. A woman might suffer from her lack of libido and might wish for a medication option to help her feel better. I absolutely think there would be a market, for women's sake - completely irrespective of how the men feel about this. 

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I agree with most of what you say, but not the bolded. A woman might suffer from her lack of libido and might wish for a medication option to help her feel better. I absolutely think there would be a market, for women's sake - completely irrespective of how the men feel about this. 

 

I agree.  I would try a (safe) drug. 

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He does not have a medical condition. He sees doctors regularly and he's actually remarkably healthy for a 400 pound man.

 

He has lost over 100 pounds twice in the past, so he can lose weight when he makes an effort, but he gained it all back and then some because he loves to eat. He acknowledges that he could lose the weight if he tried, but he says he loves food too much to limit himself.

Wow, you really don't get it.

 

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No one would tell a wife unhappy with a husband who is a compulsive drinker that SHE is the one with the problem and needs to change. But if the compulsive behavior is eating junk, that is somehow different? SMH

 

 

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Yes

 

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I don't know why you keep insisting that the woman I know is blaming her husband for anything. She is simply not physically attracted to him now that he weighs over 400 pounds. She loves him and she wishes she could feel differently, but she doesn't.

 

If anything, she blames herself for not being able to see past his weight. And she is also extremely concerned about his health.

 

I have to ask again why he is not at all responsible for trying to please his wife. Why should she have to live the rest of her life trying to find a way to feel sexually attracted to her dh's 400 pound (and still gaining) body when he isn't even trying to get himself into even slightly better shape to try to make himself more attractive to her?

 

Why is this all about the woman and her duty to her husband, yet there is no mention of his duty to his wife, even if it's simply to try to be as healthy as he can be, and not exclusively about the physical attraction issue? Aren't marital relationships supposed to be equal?

1) because you can't change other people.

 

2) because, as noted above, people do not eat themselves up to 400+ pounds without there being an underlying cause. There might not be an easily found one, and it might be a combination of things.

 

3) It is extremely unlikely that her husband will be able to lose the weight without Herculean effort, and even then it is unlike to stay off. If he has lost 100lbs 2x before and regained it it is even less likely to be possible now, and he has likely given up. It is easier for him to act that he is fine with it than to admit it is out of his control.

 

4) Yes, he is likely to eat stuff that is bad for him because his body is likely screaming at him that he needs it. He doesn't exercise a lot because moving 400lbs around hurts like you wouldn't believe. And you know, doing something that hurts a lot, when you don't get any lasting benefit from it is pretty hard to be motivated to do.

 

5) what option do you think she has that is going to actually make this better for her?

 

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Right.

 

Like, me having low libido when breastfeeding--well duh, my body knows full well that it is busy nurturing an infant; makes perfect sense that it wants nothing to do with further reproductive activities at the moment!

 

What I've found is that a lot of new moms are totally shocked when they discover breastfeeding has this effect.  And they are educated women I am thinking of, but they are really upset because they've internalized this message that it's important to always have a good sex life, or to be working towards that - they feel like there is something wrong, that somehow they are falling into this anti-body thing.

 

And I think it makes them resentful in a lot of cases, of their husbands, even if the husbands are understanding.  They feel like they believed all this story about equality, or what they thought that meant, and all of a sudden - wow, things are not the same for them and it is because they are women.  And they really can't put that down to the patriarchy.

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I don't know how anyone can give birth and not understand that we are mammals! Highly evolved mammals, but still, ya know, mammals. 

 

Yup.  Actually I think for many, that's when a light goes on.  Well, the women anyway.

 

But they don't always extrapolate to other areas of life.

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DH and I work hard to stay relatively attractive in our old age. We have not gone the plastic surgery route, but, we do exercise and watch our calories. We also wear clean, nice clothes, bathe regularly, and I wear makeup daily. We make sure we have fresh breath when around each other. Why do we make the effort after a gazillion years of marriage and our old age selfs? Because attraction is a powerful force, one we do not wish to lose. Men, especially, are visual creatures. I do not care what comes out of their mouths, what is in their minds is Ă¢â‚¬Å“va va va voomĂ¢â‚¬.

 

I do not want to see a whale sitting on my couch munching down some chips. I would not be able to get that image out of my head. Likewise, DH would turn down the heat to subzero if I became the whale. Call us shallow? Whatever. It works for us. Va va va voom.

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1) because you can't change other people.

 

2) because, as noted above, people do not eat themselves up to 400+ pounds without there being an underlying cause. There might not be an easily found one, and it might be a combination of things.

 

3) It is extremely unlikely that her husband will be able to lose the weight without Herculean effort, and even then it is unlike to stay off. If he has lost 100lbs 2x before and regained it it is even less likely to be possible now, and he has likely given up. It is easier for him to act that he is fine with it than to admit it is out of his control.

 

4) Yes, he is likely to eat stuff that is bad for him because his body is likely screaming at him that he needs it. He doesn't exercise a lot because moving 400lbs around hurts like you wouldn't believe. And you know, doing something that hurts a lot, when you don't get any lasting benefit from it is pretty hard to be motivated to do.

 

5) what option do you think she has that is going to actually make this better for her?

 

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You are probably right that he would struggle to lose, at least past a certain point.

 

But why are you convinced that he would want to try.  He's actually said so - he isn't interested in moderating.

 

It's not some kind of reflection on anyone else if someone is unwilling to even attempt to moderate food.  And it's not outside the realm of human behaviour.

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I do not want to see a whale sitting on my couch munching down some chips. I would not be able to get that image out of my head. Likewise, DH would turn down the heat to subzero if I became the whale. Call us shallow? Whatever. It works for us. Va va va voom.

 

You are not a nice person. That's the only way I can say that without getting kicked off this board. Calling another human being a whale is mean, pure and simple. Shame on you. 

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You are probably right that he would struggle to lose, at least past a certain point.

 

But why are you convinced that he would want to try.  He's actually said so - he isn't interested in moderating.

 

It's not some kind of reflection on anyone else if someone is unwilling to even attempt to moderate food.  And it's not outside the realm of human behaviour.

 

Again, at that weight he is in physical pain daily. I promise. And it is hard to breathe, especially when laying down. And he can't fit in a restaurant booth without pain. Or a chair in a waiting room, etc. Do you TRULY believe someone actually WANTS to be in pain, without a darn good reason? 

 

I'd take his "I like being this size" with a giant grain of salt. What he probably means is "I have no desire to work incredibly hard at something that is going to fail anyway". Which is not the same thing. But again, one makes you sound tough and happy, the other makes you sound pathetic and like a failure. 

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I'm gonna go out on what I can't believe has become a limb and wager that not all (very) overweight people are exactly the same and not all obese physical bodies are exactly the same and that knowing one doesn't mean you know them all.

 

Nobody has ever claimed that all very overweight/obese people are exactly the same. 

 

But this is extremely illogical. 

 

You think there are significant numbers of people who have pain, cannot move well, have digestive issues, have trouble cleaning themselves after they use the toilet, are shamed by most people around them, including their loved ones...

 

And they don't mind?

Edited by 8circles
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Again, at that weight he is in physical pain daily. I promise. And it is hard to breathe, especially when laying down. And he can't fit in a restaurant booth without pain. Or a chair in a waiting room, etc. Do you TRULY believe someone actually WANTS to be in pain, without a darn good reason? 

 

I'd take his "I like being this size" with a giant grain of salt. What he probably means is "I have no desire to work incredibly hard at something that is going to fail anyway". Which is not the same thing. But again, one makes you sound tough and happy, the other makes you sound pathetic and like a failure. 

 

It sounds like Cat's friend would be happy even if her husband put in some effort to stop gaining.    

 

I think you are extrapolating your own feelings about things like physical discomfort and outcomes a bit.

 

Not everyone is moved by these things.

 

My own dad has said more than once that he is not willing to control his food intake in any way.  He's moderately overweight, but the real issue is he's diabetic.  He needs to eat a sensible diet, but as long as he's reasonable he actually can eat some of pretty much everything he'd like, easily.  He even has a wife who will cook for him.

 

He isn't willing to do that.  He wants to eat whatever and as much as he wants.  He'll substitute diet pop, but that's as far as it goes.  He doesn't care about the effects on his eyes or feet, or the fact that now and again he gets rushed to the ER, and all the physical discomforts, and costs, associated with that.  He figures he has no other vices like smoking or drinking, eating is what he likes, and he is darn well going to do it and not restrain himself.

 

People do the same thing, sometimes, with other activities that have terrible outcomes.  They keep having unprotected sex despite getting STIs, and the prospect of something serious.  THey keep spending large amounts of money they don't have on things for fun, even though they are short on necessities.

 

Some people are just extreme. 

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It sounds like Cat's friend would be happy even if her husband put in some effort to stop gaining.    

 

I think you are extrapolating your own feelings about things like physical discomfort and outcomes a bit.

 

Not everyone is moved by these things.

 

My own dad has said more than once that he is not willing to control his food intake in any way.  He's moderately overweight, but the real issue is he's diabetic.  He needs to eat a sensible diet, but as long as he's reasonable he actually can eat some of pretty much everything he'd like, easily.  He even has a wife who will cook for him.

 

He isn't willing to do that.  He wants to eat whatever and as much as he wants.  He'll substitute diet pop, but that's as far as it goes.  He doesn't care about the effects on his eyes or feet, or the fact that now and again he gets rushed to the ER, and all the physical discomforts, and costs, associated with that.  He figures he has no other vices like smoking or drinking, eating is what he likes, and he is darn well going to do it and not restrain himself.

 

People do the same thing, sometimes, with other activities that have terrible outcomes.  They keep having unprotected sex despite getting STIs, and the prospect of something serious.  THey keep spending large amounts of money they don't have on things for fun, even though they are short on necessities.

 

Some people are just extreme. 

 

It sounds like he has an addiction. That isn't the same as not caring.

 

As well-educated as people here are, there is a great deal of ignorance about obesity and food addiction.

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Nah some people here just don't medicalize everything ..because they've had life experience that shows them that not literally everything that ever happens to human bodies, in which is housed the most highly evolved decision-making minds that we know about, that is less than ideal is a medical problem.

Nah. Some people here just donĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t comprehend that mental illness isnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t all mental

Edited by Murphy101
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It sounds like he has an addiction. That isn't the same as not caring.

 

As well-educated as people here are, there is a great deal of ignorance about obesity and food addiction.

 

It's entirely possible both things are true.

 

That's the way it is with quite a lot of things.

 

Some people are happy to carry on with certain things, even if they are negative.  They also, in their rational selves, decide to do so.

 

There are alcoholics, video game addicts, gamblers, that are perfectly happy with that state of things, or at least not wanting to change the status quo.

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Nah some people here just don't medicalize everything ..because they've had life experience that shows them that not literally everything that ever happens to human bodies, in which is housed the most highly evolved decision-making minds that we know about, that is less than ideal is a medical problem.

 

 

Also people don't just get free pass from their loved ones if they have an addiction. It's not like I say, "oh my dad is addicted to Mikes Hard Lemonade so I'll never talk about it with him because he can't help it." Because speaking is not inherently  an act of malice.

 

Nobody is getting a free pass. Yes, things need to be addressed, but the way you approach them matters and lots of people want (yes, want) to approach problems with an eye to shame & blame instead. I don't know why humans are so quick to shame and blame other humans that they love, but they do.

 

It doesn't seem illogical to consider that something that happens to our bodies physically & the fact that our brains are physical indicates a problem that would be categorized as medical. 

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The poster to whom I replied was judging the wife for being self centered, overly concerned with her emotions, and not "fixing" her problem, without recognizing that the wife's condition may be equally valid.

Telling her to put herself in the mood by lighting candles and reading romance is minimizing that this is a real issue.

 

Libido being shot and thus not feeling much if any desire for sex at all is not the same as not being physically attracted to one's spouse. 

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Sure. But you're not "considering" it, you're saying it is absolutely the way you say it is in every instance.

 

No, I'm responding to the specific examples that people have shared and acknowledging that I think they are the norm. No examples have looked anything like nobody caring and being just peachy keen at 400 lbs. yet you treat it as if that's commonplace. And it's absolutely not.

 

I'm also responding to the complete lack of compassion towards human beings who are obese that is being displayed by multiple people in this thread.

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1) because you can't change other people.

 

2) because, as noted above, people do not eat themselves up to 400+ pounds without there being an underlying cause. There might not be an easily found one, and it might be a combination of things.

 

3) It is extremely unlikely that her husband will be able to lose the weight without Herculean effort, and even then it is unlike to stay off. If he has lost 100lbs 2x before and regained it it is even less likely to be possible now, and he has likely given up. It is easier for him to act that he is fine with it than to admit it is out of his control.

 

4) Yes, he is likely to eat stuff that is bad for him because his body is likely screaming at him that he needs it. He doesn't exercise a lot because moving 400lbs around hurts like you wouldn't believe. And you know, doing something that hurts a lot, when you don't get any lasting benefit from it is pretty hard to be motivated to do.

 

5) what option do you think she has that is going to actually make this better for her?

 

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If a wife were saying these things in regards to her husbandĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s drinking or drug problem, it would be called Ă¢â‚¬Å“enablingĂ¢â‚¬ behavior. I donĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t see why it is different when the compulsive behavior is eating junk vs. drinking alcohol or taking drugs.

 

 

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In every single instance? IDK. But I'm going to start with the assumption that they don't want to be obese because to start with the opposite is cruel.

 

He said he doesn't care, which is not the same thing.

 

I would expect, if he could wave a magic wand and carry on the same otherwise, he would.

 

But the real question is, does he want to modify his life.  

 

We all make trade-offs like this every day.  I could stand to lose a good 25 lbs, and I totally ate way more than I ought to have last night to do so.  In fact, I'm not really trying to do it at all, because I don't really want to make the change - not because I wouldn't like to be slimmer.

 

How common would it be, taken to that extreme?  Probably not super common - I think a lot of people would try and make a change before it got that far, at least for a while.

 

But for one guy in particular?  In a big country. there are probably a fair few people that might have that particular personality, and I don't know why anyone would doubt that a particular person might actually know someone like that.

Edited by Bluegoat
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Uh yeah. I was thinking randomly about how when we were Young and stupid we used to say " let's kill some brain cells" before we set out to get wasted. We knew it was dumb, it was nothing other than dumb, and it was still within our control even though we wanted to do it.

 

It's not just the young that make bad choices while knowing they are bad choices. For sure.

 

Yup.  There are quite a few adults who aren't young that do the same.

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If a wife were saying these things in regards to her husbandĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s drinking or drug problem, it would be called Ă¢â‚¬Å“enablingĂ¢â‚¬ behavior. I donĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t see why it is different when the compulsive behavior is eating junk vs. drinking alcohol or taking drugs.

 

 

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Why is every obese person eating junk?

 

I eat 1000x healthier than my DH, who is thin. He regularly eats chips, ice cream, and fast food. I actually cannot imagine eating like he does. I'm the one who pushes to eat high quality food, mostly fruits and vegetables. Yet, I'm the glutton in your mind.

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I absolutely did NOT say that she doesn't care about his health. I have stated multiple times that she DOES worry about his health. She makes sure that he goes to the doctor. She has insisted that he monitor his blood pressure and that he has regular physicals and blood work. But she can't make him stop eating so much. She cooks healthy meals, but he goes out for more food. She doesn't buy junky snacks, but he comes home with grocery bags filled with them, and she says he always has lots of food in his office. She suggests going for walks or doing other active things, but he'd rather park himself in front of the TV.

 

I feel sorry for her. She's not going to leave him. She really loves him. She just struggles with the fact that she's no longer physically attracted to him. I honestly believe that she would find him more attractive if she thought he was making any kind of effort to try to lose some weight. Maybe part of the lack of attraction is that he doesn't seem to care at all about his appearance or have any interest in trying to be attractive to her. He thinks she should still think he's hot stuff, but I can understand why she's having a hard time with that.

 

Edited to add -- I hope the tone of my posts isn't coming across as being snotty to you! I feel like I'm having a hard time explaining the situation, but I didn't mean to seem like I'm annoyed with you, because I'm not! Sorry if I'm coming across the wrong way!

 

 

Why is every obese person eating junk?

 

I eat 1000x healthier than my DH, who is thin. He regularly eats chips, ice cream, and fast food. I actually cannot imagine eating like he does. I'm the one who pushes to eat high quality food, mostly fruits and vegetables. Yet, I'm the glutton in your mind.

 

 

I'm quoting because it's been lost many pages back, but this guy (the one in catwoman's post, which is who I think crimson wife is referring to as well) has been specifically shared to be eating junk in large quantities. 

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Why is every obese person eating junk?

 

I eat 1000x healthier than my DH, who is thin. He regularly eats chips, ice cream, and fast food. I actually cannot imagine eating like he does. I'm the one who pushes to eat high quality food, mostly fruits and vegetables. Yet, I'm the glutton in your mind.

 

I'm 5'2" and for most of my teens and adult life I was a size 2-4 (95-110 lbs.)   That was not based on a healthy diet.  I ate terribly all the time and even was on a doctor supervised diet to gain weight but it didn't work.  At 30, when my biological kids were 6 and 8  I was finally a size 6 because I was doing the hormone treatment to relactate for an adopted kid.(It mimics the hormones of pregnancy.)   In my late 30s I started gaining weight and got up to a size 10 (140 lbs.) I have since cleaned up my diet and was exercising regularly until a knee injury this Spring and lost a grand total of 10lbs. I've still cleaned up my diet and I'll be doing a sugar detox after the holidays because it's healthy whether or not I ever lose those last 10 lbs.  

 

All that to say that genetics and other factors like hormonal changes and illness influence weight gain and management.  Since I was someone naturally inclined to thinness for so long I can say what people who aren't can't: Don't automatically assume your thinness is based on something morally superior in yourself.  You may have won the genetic crap shoot on that-it's not necessarily your own doing. 

 

Which leads right back to to my previous post.  If your genuine motivation is health (and I'll add discipline to it) then you eat well AND exercise regularly regardless of weight/physical appearance and you promote that to your loved ones, not just weight issues. You have a standing desk and don't sit all day. And if you believe it's a matter of gluttony (which may be the case in some situations) then be sure you aren't self-indulgent in other areas of your life, because it's the same category.  Be sure you're disciplined all around before you accuse someone else of not being that way. Anything else is hypocrisy and we know what Jesus said about that-get yourself right before you go pointing out other people's wrongs. 

 

Instead, you can take the approach of listening sympathetically when someone talks about their struggles with taking care of the body God gave them and leading a more disciplined life, and encourage them when they decide to make changes by cheering them on or coming along side them while they work at it. I've been on the receiving end of people supporting and encouraging the changes I chose to make for myself and I deeply appreciate those people because they care about me, not the external stuff.

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You are probably right that he would struggle to lose, at least past a certain point.

 

But why are you convinced that he would want to try. He's actually said so - he isn't interested in moderating.

 

It's not some kind of reflection on anyone else if someone is unwilling to even attempt to moderate food. And it's not outside the realm of human behaviour.

I said he has likely given up. If asked, I would also say I have no interest in moderating my food. Because I get no results when I do. If I thought it would work, then I would.

 

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I'm gonna go out on what I can't believe has become a limb and wager that not all (very) overweight people are exactly the same and not all obese physical bodies are exactly the same and that knowing one doesn't mean you know them all.

Someone that has lost 100lbs 2x and regained it all both times has a messed up metabolism. They are unlikely to lose weight and if they do they are unlikely to keep it off ... not because of a failing in character, but because their body will not let them.

 

You see it as proof that he can lose weight, bug it is actually proof that he can not. You don't get it.

 

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- I think a lot of people would try and make a change before it got that far, at least for a while.

 

But for one guy in particular? In a big country. there are probably a fair few people that might have that particular personality, and I don't know why anyone would doubt that a particular person might actually know someone like that.

HE DID TRY. TWICE. IT DIDN'T WORK.

 

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It would be like saying "I'd think you were sexier if you climbed Mt. Everest". I mean, yeah, it's possible, but it would take a lot of time, energy, pain, and probably money. No one would think the other spouse was being mean or lazy to say, I have no interest in climbing Mt. Everest just because you think it will make me more attractive. 

 

that said, there are bigger issues than attraction here. Health is a way bigger issue in the 400 pound person situation. Bariatric surgery isn't a guarantee, but it is really the only real option at that point that offers any chance. If she really wants him to lose the weight I'd be discussing it as a health issue and exploring that option. Nothing else really has a chance at that level of morbid obesity. And of course, when you think nothing will help, you stop trying. 

 

But saying, "Honey, I love you and don't want to live without you, and I'm worried that you are going to die early because of your weight. I need you to see a doctor about it. I know it is scary, and hard, but I'll go with you, and support you however I can. There is an informational meeting at the bariatric clinic this wednesday, and I need us to go." is very very different than "you are so fat that I can't be attracted anymore, and if you loved me you'd lose weight so I'd find you attractive again."

 

 

Edited by ktgrok
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He does not have a medical condition. He sees doctors regularly and he's actually remarkably healthy for a 400 pound man.

 

He has lost over 100 pounds twice in the past, so he can lose weight when he makes an effort, but he gained it all back and then some because he loves to eat. He acknowledges that he could lose the weight if he tried, but he says he loves food too much to limit himself.

 

 

You don't need to shout.

 

I didn't see Catwoman saying he had tried at all - rather the opposite.

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Haven't read all of these, but for me, marriage is a religious issue. I took vows that were for better or worse in front of God, as did my dh. Being  unhappy with the way the other looks isn't grounds for breaking up the marriage in my opinion. How one of us chooses to deal with it is going to have more to do with how we ourselves are than changing the other. It doesn't mean it isn't worth bringing up and talking about it, or trying to help the other do something. But if the other refuses to do something even though he/she is capable of it, it is only going to make me a bitter a person if I hang onto that and dwell on it, or vice versa. Knowing that I don't have an out from my marriage means I will try to deal with things as best as I can. 

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The post you quoted doesn't refute what Bluegoat said.

 

It has been years since he tried to lose any weight. And honestly, it doesn't matter what he did in the past because he has absolutely no interest in trying to lose any weight now. If he wanted to lose weight now, it would make sense to see what has and hasn't worked for him in the past, but he doesn't want to change his behavior.

 

He lost weight when he exercised regularly and watched his diet. He said it was no fun to live that way.

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Haven't read all of these, but for me, marriage is a religious issue. I took vows that were for better or worse in front of God, as did my dh. Being unhappy with the way the other looks isn't grounds for breaking up the marriage in my opinion. How one of us chooses to deal with it is going to have more to do with how we ourselves are than changing the other. It doesn't mean it isn't worth bringing up and talking about it, or trying to help the other do something. But if the other refuses to do something even though he/she is capable of it, it is only going to make me a bitter a person if I hang onto that and dwell on it, or vice versa. Knowing that I don't have an out from my marriage means I will try to deal with things as best as I can.

I think you have described exactly how this woman feels. She has no intention of leaving her husband and their relationship is very strong. Her problem is that she isn't physically attracted to him any more, and she doesn't know how to solve that problem, particularly when her dh doesn't have any interest in doing anything to help the situation.

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It would be like saying "I'd think you were sexier if you climbed Mt. Everest". I mean, yeah, it's possible, but it would take a lot of time, energy, pain, and probably money. No one would think the other spouse was being mean or lazy to say, I have no interest in climbing Mt. Everest just because you think it will make me more attractive.

 

that said, there are bigger issues than attraction here. Health is a way bigger issue in the 400 pound person situation. Bariatric surgery isn't a guarantee, but it is really the only real option at that point that offers any chance. If she really wants him to lose the weight I'd be discussing it as a health issue and exploring that option. Nothing else really has a chance at that level of morbid obesity. And of course, when you think nothing will help, you stop trying.

 

But saying, "Honey, I love you and don't want to live without you, and I'm worried that you are going to die early because of your weight. I need you to see a doctor about it. I know it is scary, and hard, but I'll go with you, and support you however I can. There is an informational meeting at the bariatric clinic this wednesday, and I need us to go." is very very different than "you are so fat that I can't be attracted anymore, and if you loved me you'd lose weight so I'd find you attractive again."

Again, you are misrepresenting their situation, and you think you know how he feels, but I trust that his wife of many, many years knows him better than you do.

 

She is not shaming him or blaming him. His health is her major concern. The lack of physical attraction is secondary, but is still important to her.

 

She has done everything she can to support him. She has insisted that he see doctors. She has focused on the health aspects of the weight and not his appearance.

 

She can't force him to make healthier choices. I don't know why people seem to be making her the villain here.

 

If he had an alcohol addiction and refused treatment, many people would say she had every reason to be upset, and many would probably even suggest that she should leave him if he refused to stop drinking, but because it may be a food addiction, is she supposed to suck it up and deal with it for the rest of her life? At what point does this become his responsibility? I'm seeing nothing but blame being directed toward the wife, but at what point does any of this become his responsibility? His wife can't force him to lose weight, she can't force him to seek therapy, she can't force him to change his eating habits, she can't force him to exercise, and she can't force him to have bariatric surgery... so what is she supposed to do?

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Aw that reminds me of my stepdad. He got to be really really overweight from eating just an insane diet. When he ate what I think of as regular food and drank less, he'd lose lots of weight. He always said that since he knew he could "lose weight any time," he'd have his fun and live it up while he felt like it. Unfortunately he passed away. He was the most wonderful amazing man but he definitely had this very shruggy attitude about his weight and embraced that... Uh I don't know how to describe it... Like have as much fun as possible all the time kind of attitude--he was like that his whole life.

That's so sad about your stepdad. :grouphug:

 

It sounds like he was a lot like the man I have been talking about. He's a very intelligent guy, but he seems to think he's invincible and that he can do whatever he wants and he will be fine. I think he has just been very, very lucky so far.

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1) because you can't change other people.

 

2) because, as noted above, people do not eat themselves up to 400+ pounds without there being an underlying cause. There might not be an easily found one, and it might be a combination of things.

 

3) It is extremely unlikely that her husband will be able to lose the weight without Herculean effort, and even then it is unlike to stay off. If he has lost 100lbs 2x before and regained it it is even less likely to be possible now, and he has likely given up. It is easier for him to act that he is fine with it than to admit it is out of his control.

 

4) Yes, he is likely to eat stuff that is bad for him because his body is likely screaming at him that he needs it. He doesn't exercise a lot because moving 400lbs around hurts like you wouldn't believe. And you know, doing something that hurts a lot, when you don't get any lasting benefit from it is pretty hard to be motivated to do.

 

5) what option do you think she has that is going to actually make this better for her?

 

The bolded seems to be the question she's asking herself. What can she do if he won't make any effort at all?

 

You think you understand this situation, but I have to respectfully disagree. This man doesn't care about losing the weight. He loves to eat, and he doesn't want to change his diet or exercise because he doesn't want to deprive himself or be inconvenienced.

 

People keep saying that he's probably depressed and upset because he has lost and regained the weight in the past, but he seems to feel that he has proven he can lose the weight if he wants to, so it's no big deal if he keeps gaining more weight. His wife keeps stressing that she's worried about his health, but he tells her if he develops a health problem, he'll just lose the weight again, like he has done before. He refuses to acknowledge that his weight IS the health problem.

 

Anyway, this thread is about a lack of physical attraction in a marriage, and that was why I posted about this woman. She doesn't know how to get that feeling of attraction back.

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The post you quoted doesn't refute what Bluegoat said.

 

It has been years since he tried to lose any weight. And honestly, it doesn't matter what he did in the past because he has absolutely no interest in trying to lose any weight now. If he wanted to lose weight now, it would make sense to see what has and hasn't worked for him in the past, but he doesn't want to change his behavior.

 

He lost weight when he exercised regularly and watched his diet. He said it was no fun to live that way.

This sounds like alternative facts to me. I can't argue with that.

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