My dss16

[Scarlett]

I got a pm, thank you.

[historically accurate]

Slightly OT question, but I am wondering about this dichotomy:

Whenever there are threads about weight loss, some posters are very adamant that obesity is not an issue of will power, that calorie restriction is not the answer, and that they eat very little and still don't lose weight because their body chemistry is messed up.

OTOH, in this thread, several posters state that overweight people do not have the mental ability to regulate their eating (and go so far as to compare it with alcoholism), and that they lack the willpower to refrain from consuming unsuitable quantities of available foods.

So which is it; does it depend on the individual?

 

In my case, I'd say it is a combination of both problems.

 

An example of my obesity body chemistry: I went on my first diet (by doctor) at age 11. That means for 32 years, I have been on and off diets, and gained and lost huge amounts of weight. I have been classified as obese for all 18 years of my marriage. To compound all of the damage I have done by that, I am in early menopause and deal with some other health issues (not necessarily related to weight). I am most likely IR, although I don't currently have a doctor; it's on my list of things to do. I started to make changes (no set diet, just changes to more veggies, no fast food, etc) in May after I had had enough. I had a problem with my willpower in May, so I'll address that below. In June, I essentially followed "No S" - I cut out all sodas, made sure I walked at least 3 miles per day, and ate only whole foods. I lost no pounds and no inches. According to My Fitness Pal, I was eating about 1400 calories a day. In July, I kept the same "rules" and cut out carbs and bumped up fats - I was essentially doing Atkins. I lost 1 pound and no inches. According to MFP, I was eating about 1600 calories a day. In August, I bumped up carbs to under 75 a day and lowered calories to 1200. I also stopped focusing on exercise since it makes me extremely hungry and I can't do 1200 calories and be a pleasant person if I'm hungry all the time. I lost 1 pound per week (excluding the one week I ate a small bowl of ice cream for my birthday - I gained 1 pound that week). I also lost an inch and a half overall. At about 100 pounds overweight, I "should've" lost weight compared to my slightly healthier than SAD with my changes in May, June and July. I didn't. I am continuing August's combination in September; here's hoping more comes off. I am hoping I can focus more on exercise (without stimulating my appetite) in a couple of months. 

 

 As for the willpower: I have suck-y willpower, which is why I have banned all the non-healthy things from my house. I attempted to change my diet in May, but I found I would grab a couple of chips or a cookie as I stood in my pantry pulling out my onion to add to my lean chicken. I didn't gain or lose in May. I banned stuff starting in June, and now that it is not here, I am not eating it. Some foods (I'm looking at you, Aldi brand cereal!) just somehow trigger my "I must eat the whole box" switch, and other foods, I just find myself reaching for even while I'm mentally telling myself that that is why I am fat. Maybe, like kiana, I can allow it back in after some time, but who knows?

 

If my insurance covered it, I would look into surgery. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Slightly OT question, but I am wondering about this dichotomy:

Whenever there are threads about weight loss, some posters are very adamant that obesity is not an issue of will power, that calorie restriction is not the answer, and that they eat very little and still don't lose weight because their body chemistry is messed up.

OTOH, in this thread, several posters state that overweight people do not have the mental ability to regulate their eating (and go so far as to compare it with alcoholism), and that they lack the willpower to refrain from consuming unsuitable quantities of available foods.

So which is it; does it depend on the individual?

Yes. It depends on the individual. To some degree it depends on why they became overweight to begin with. Not everyone becomes overweight because of eating too much. Some have hormonal imbalances that cause weight gain even with what would be considered a "normal" diet. But even if they did overeat to begin with, an obese body starts to develop hormonal changes.

 

(Btw Scarlett, this is why I recommended having the A1C blood test- not because I knew something for sure but because it is very common for those insulin problems to develop with that sort of weight gain and it can complicate things. My motto is that "knowledge is power ". )

 

Most people, thin or fat, don't have perfect willpower on all things. And I don't necessarily think that it is necessary in life even to lose weight (obviously there are exceptions). That's why programs like WW build in some healthy treats into the program.

 

Just an aside triggered by Monica. My Dd has been just diagnosed with celiac disease. We are now a gluten free house. It has nothing to do with deprivation or willpower. The dangers of cross contamination are too high. People do not always have observable symptoms from being glutened but the invisible damage is not something I want to chance. But then I witnessed a dramatic change in my daughter from someone participating in half marathons and Spartan races, to having trouble walking from the kitchen to the living room. (I realize that Monica is making the choice she feels best is for her family. I'm just explaining why I don't make that same choice for my family of much older individuals. ).

[JudoMom]

Slightly OT question, but I am wondering about this dichotomy:

Whenever there are threads about weight loss, some posters are very adamant that obesity is not an issue of will power, that calorie restriction is not the answer, and that they eat very little and still don't lose weight because their body chemistry is messed up.

OTOH, in this thread, several posters state that overweight people do not have the mental ability to regulate their eating (and go so far as to compare it with alcoholism), and that they lack the willpower to refrain from consuming unsuitable quantities of available foods.

So which is it; does it depend on the individual?

 

As I stated earlier, I lost over 85 pounds in 2006; gained about 40 back starting in 2010 when I became ill with a liver condition that took several months to diagnose.  I've since relost the 40.

 

Being obese is hard.  I know I'm treated very differently based on my weight.  When I am where I am now (and in the interest of full disclosure, according to the charts I'm still about 15 pounds overweight, but I'm comfortable with this weight and it is maintainable for me), in general, I am treated better when I'm out and about.  People make eye contact, are friendlier, etc.  I know I'm uncomfortable in my skin when I'm heavier, and I have a low opinion of myself.  I don't feel strong or capable.  When I'm thinner, I have more confidence and like feeling strong and capable.

 

Losing weight is harder for me than for my dh (who has never been overweight, though he doesn't like the belly fat he gets at a certain weight now, so he does pay attention and he eats less when he needs to lose the few pounds).  I think my metabolism is likely messed up, I have thyroid issues, I have an autoimmune liver disease, along with possible lupus, obesity runs in my family (dh's family doesn't struggle with weight issues). 

 

When I had regained that 40 pounds, it was so easy for me to blame the medical conditions and my genetics.  They did play into it, but so did my poor eating choices, and so did my not prioritizing exercise.  At that point, I wasn't willing to put the energy into figuring out how to lose the weight, and I made excuses why I couldn't exercise enough.  

 

I kept reading that restricting calories was bad, so I tried all the popular healthy diets and didn't lose a thing.  Once I restricted my calories (which is what I did the first time I lost--this time I did Medifast and then Nutrisystem), the weight came off.  Yet some people will tell me that this was the wrong way to lose weight.  I did this without exercising consistently and it was hard.  I was constantly thinking about what I wanted to eat and what I couldn't eat.  It was a battle to not eat the yummy food that was around for the rest of my family. 

 

Since I've had success and feel good about where I am, it's easier for me to make healthy choices.  I know I can keep the weight off because I've done it before (until I got really sick).  I'm able to eat one piece of chocolate (or two), and not obsess about eating the rest of the bag or beating myself up if I have another piece.  That said, I don't keep cake or cookies in the house because I can lose all reason.  Now I walk 4 miles (one hour) a day on the treadmill, every day except Sunday, even thought that means I have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning.  

 

All this to say:  I think some people do have a harder time losing weight because of medical conditions and/or genetics.  I also think a lot of these same people use these, along with whatever the current research says about dieting, as reasons why they're not losing the weight because they don't have the self-control around food that is needed.  I know that's an unpopular opinion, and I know it's not universal, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one this applies to (I know it applies to some of my family as well). 

[eternalsummer]

As I said before, we don't keep ice cream or other sweets in the house.  It is not hard.  We don't keep white bread, or flavored chips (we do keep plain blue corn chips), or even much fruit - just frozen blueberries.  We don't keep crackers or other carby snack foods.  Mostly this is because whatever I buy is eaten right away, so if I tried to keep those things in the house all the time that's all anyone would eat and my grocery bill would be a zillion dollars.

 

Instead, if we want crackers I buy a box and we eat them.  Then no crackers until next week.  If we want ice cream (which I give in to about once a month), I buy a pint, we eat it, done.

[barnwife]

I guess I didn't connect the dots as clearly as I thought I had. My son was not quite SIX when he was dx'd with celiac. By age seven, he was ready to live in an integrated world so to speak. Isolating a 6yo is extremely easy and may serve some point. During our gf year, my other kids were 4 and 1.5. They had no particular opinions on their food choices.

 

My post clearly says one size fits all does NOT work for older kids. Scarlett's kids are 16! As long as the family meals Scarlett is cooking are appropriate to all members, I think it's ok for there to be a mix of food options in the house for everyone.

 

Important to remember that this kid DID successfully lose weight at Scarlett's house before. He regained it while away. To me this is a pretty good sign that Scarlett has healthy, age appropriate food policies in place.

Yes, the children of the OP are teens. However, clearly one is struggling with weight. So he needs to be scaffolded to make him successful.  A logical next step is to remove junk from the house, at least for a while, especially because that will not harm anyone else in the home. (Yes, that's my opinion.) Hopefully, once bad habits are broken, Scarlett could reintroduce having them at home. I guess I just see their house as a "safe place" where DSS shouldn't have to be confronted with things that are clearly an issue while at this point in the game.

 

i will bow out now, but I do want to reiterate that I hope Scarlett and family can find a path through this.

[regentrude]

We don't keep white bread, or flavored chips (we do keep plain blue corn chips), or even much fruit - just frozen blueberries.  

 

No fruit??? 

We go through several pounds of apples each week, plus copious amounts of other fruits. It's the one item on the grocery list I am very happy to pay for. I would find it a joyless existence without.

(ETA: I'd much rather go without ice cream than without fruit. The three cartons of ice cream in the freezer don't entice me as much as the  boxes of strawberries and the cantaloupe and the bushel of pears) 

Edited September 4, 2017 by regentrude

[eternalsummer]

Slightly OT question, but I am wondering about this dichotomy:

Whenever there are threads about weight loss, some posters are very adamant that obesity is not an issue of will power, that calorie restriction is not the answer, and that they eat very little and still don't lose weight because their body chemistry is messed up.

OTOH, in this thread, several posters state that overweight people do not have the mental ability to regulate their eating (and go so far as to compare it with alcoholism), and that they lack the willpower to refrain from consuming unsuitable quantities of available foods.

So which is it; does it depend on the individual?

 

I think it is obvious that if you ate nothing and exercised constantly you'd lose weight.  Similarly, even if you have a messed up metabolism (which I referred to previously) and need fewer calories than other people, you could still lose weight if you ate fewer calories than your metabolism required.

 

The issue (and the reason I compared it to alcoholism) isn't that a massive amount of willpower wouldn't work to solve one person's obesity.  The issue is that that massive amount of willpower is just not something most people have.  That's why alcoholics need and use a variety of supports to stop drinking - AA meetings and drugs that make alcohol induce vomiting and therapy and keeping alcohol out of the house.  

 

Similarly, if you have a family member struggling with a health issue that requires a behavior change to fix, and the behavior change itself requires a massive amount of willpower to effect - more willpower than the person has had to use before, or has used successfully for long before, or than most people ever manage to use (statistically speaking), you should do everything you can to support them, especially in the beginning stages.

[eternalsummer]

No fruit??? 

We go through several pounds of apples each week, plus copious amounts of other fruits. It's the one item on the grocery list I am very happy to pay for. I would find it a joyless existence without.

(ETA: I'd much rather go without ice cream than without fruit. The three cartons of ice cream in the freezer don't entice me as much as the  boxes of strawberries and the cantaloupe and the bushel of pears) 

 

 

I agree, I love fruit.  Apples used to be our favorite, but the 2 year old has a habit of biting off chunks and dropping them about on the floor, where the baby picks them up to choke on.  So no apples until the baby is old enough to not choke.

 

Grapes, same story.

 

Oranges I got so so so tired of peeling for people.

 

Pears I buy when in season but otherwise I cannot tolerate unripe pears or overripe pears, which seem to be the two options locally.

 

Peaches I buy in season, and strawberries, but their seasons are not super long.

 

 

Now I do buy a fair amount of cantalope and honeydew, but that gets eaten right away when I get home from the grocery store as we don't keep other sweets in the house, so it never lasts more than a day.  That is what I mean by "don't keep it in the house" - it just doesn't last.

 

Frozen blueberries I buy by the case, 12 bags per week, and they are eaten daily.  They're messy and expensive but no one can choke on them, they're not too sticky, they don't require preparation, and they're super healthy.  :)

[regentrude]

Pears I buy when in season but otherwise I cannot tolerate unripe pears or overripe pears, which seem to be the two options locally.

 

I found a solution to this. I bought a large amount of pears at the local orchard where they are picked just short of ripeness. I keep them in the fridge, take out two or three at a time and set them on the counter and let them ripen until they are ready to eat. The ones in the fridge keep for many weeks.

[eternalsummer]

That might work, but when I've bought unripe pears in the past everyone tries to eat them before they are ripe and they end up with lots of little bites taken out of them. Maybe if I put them in the "do not eat this it is for some other use" section of the fridge I could get them to last until it was time to eat them.

 

 

 

[Scarlett]

I really can't figure out why the ice cream that we keep in this house is such a big deal to some of you.

 

We do have a blended family and it is a balancing act meeting everyone's needs and wants and I am doing the best I can. Dss is getting a lot of my time, attention and money right now. We are doing all we can to support without badgering him to lose weight.

 

I understand some people have medical issues that do make it more difficult to lose weight. Many times that happens after years of being obese. This is another thing we have explained to dss....if he doesn't lose it now while he is young he can mess his entire system up for life.

 

The doctor has ordered a lot of tests. That one test Chem 14 is 14 different tests. Plus a CBC and one more I forget what. So I feel sure if he sees anything off he will investigate more. For now we have a plan and he has a plan for how he is going to try this.

[Scarlett]

Also I would like to address the information that Seeking posted about my family. She is incorrect that there are any issues between my dss16 and his dad. And there are no issues between my dss and me. And there are no issues between dss and ds. Remember he chose to come live here. It was terribly difficult for him to tell his mom he wanted to come live here, but he wanted it enough that he did it. Dh and I discussed his weight issue a lot and we don't believe he is a particularly emotional eater....we all are to one degree or another----but we think he just likes food a lot.

 

My blended family does have some issues like all blended families do. They are not the source of dss16's weight. And I am not a very private person but I feel the issues that Seeking alluded to ( and she got it wrong) are irrelevant to my Dss's weight.

[Lanny]

Scarlett it sounds like you are doing the best you can, to try to help your Stepson. The necessary thing is for him to want to change and improve his health. He's the only one who can do that.  He's the one who needs to exercise. He's the one who needs to watch, carefully, what he eats.  I think from what I've read that he is interested in salvaging his health, so that is a big step in the right direction. As I wrote in a previous post, he needs to be VERY careful about the exercising he does. He needs to take it very easy and not stress his body and cause a Heart Attack.  If  you had been able to find a gym where he could be  properly supervised, that would be better, but you are doing the best you can.  Even if he gets on a bicycle and rides 15 or 30 minutes, every day, at slow speed, or walks, that will be beneficial to his health. Some exercise is better than no exercise.  Good luck to him!

 

ETA: If you have a dog, he can take the dog for walks and it will improve the health of both of them...

Edited September 4, 2017 by Lanny

[teachermom2834]

Seeking-

 

I don't know why you are taking it to Scarlett like this especially after having been told to stop.

 

But STOP. Cut it out!

[maize]

My blended family does have some issues like all blended families do.

 

And not just blended families. No kid in the world grows up in a perfect family environment with no sources of stress.

[DawnM]

I really can't figure out why the ice cream that we keep in this house is such a big deal to some of you.

 

We do have a blended family and it is a balancing act meeting everyone's needs and wants and I am doing the best I can. Dss is getting a lot of my time, attention and money right now. We are doing all we can to support without badgering him to lose weight.

 

I understand some people have medical issues that do make it more difficult to lose weight. Many times that happens after years of being obese. This is another thing we have explained to dss....if he doesn't lose it now while he is young he can mess his entire system up for life.

 

The doctor has ordered a lot of tests. That one test Chem 14 is 14 different tests. Plus a CBC and one more I forget what. So I feel sure if he sees anything off he will investigate more. For now we have a plan and he has a plan for how he is going to try this.

 

 

I think for some of us, sugar is a trigger.  For me it is.  It is like an alcoholic.  You wouldn't keep alcohol in the house knowing someone didn't have the control, so it could be the same with the junk food for your DSS.

 

It will hurt no one to go without junk food, just like it would not hurt anyone to go without alcohol.

 

When I really want to watch it, I will only allow certain "junk items" in the house.....they are items I don't find as tempting.

[catz]

I really can't figure out why the ice cream that we keep in this house is such a big deal to some of you.

 

 

 

It is a valid choice to allow it in your house.  That said, don't be surprised or consider it a moral failing if DSS eats it.   You just regularly post about this DSS's weight problems and then act like your 190 lb(!) kid is wasting away if he doesn't eat ice cream daily.  There are much healthier ways for your DS to get those calories if you were interested which you clearly aren't.   Ice cream is food but it is not nutrition dense food.   We somehow manage to have it in our house only a handful of times a year and when we do, we buy it in pints unless we're having a party.

 

You may want to consider starting these threads with JAWM in the future.   I assume you care but these posts seem to shake out the same way every time and you actually don't seem to want suggestions from people who've struggled with weight.  It is easier just to keep it out of the house to avoid forbidden treats when trying to build new habits. 

 

[Scarlett]

I'm going to disagree. .

Seeking did you not see that your first post in this thread today was deleted by the mods? You are repeating information from another place and that is not ok. You have no right to do that.

[Scarlett]

I think for some of us, sugar is a trigger. For me it is. It is like an alcoholic. You wouldn't keep alcohol in the house knowing someone didn't have the control, so it could be the same with the junk food for your DSS.

 

It will hurt no one to go without junk food, just like it would not hurt anyone to go without alcohol.

 

When I really want to watch it, I will only allow certain "junk items" in the house.....they are items I don't find as tempting.

I don't think dss has any specific trigger.

[DawnM]

I don't think dss has any specific trigger.

 

 

But you have been upset that he eats junk.  I am thinking he does have a trigger.

[catz]

But you have been upset that he eats junk.  I am thinking he does have a trigger.

 

:iagree: He very easily fell back into old habits at his mom's house.  This is hard for him.  You wouldn't be able to recognize a trigger easily.  Home should be his safe place.  I have definitely been in a place where I crave sugar/white carbs and it can take 2-4 weeks of 100% avoidance not to have the cravings.  It's hard to explain if you haven't felt that way. 

 

Honestly, if your DS craves ice cream daily and complains loudly if he doesn't get it, he may have a bit of a sugar addiction himself that might better be cut off sooner rather than later. 

[Scarlett]

But you have been upset that he eats junk. I am thinking he does have a trigger.

.

 

I am upset that he weighs 300 pounds and is on HBP meds. I don't want to micromanage his food choices.

Edited September 4, 2017 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

:iagree: He very easily fell back into old habits at his mom's house. This is hard for him. You wouldn't be able to recognize a trigger easily. Home should be his safe place. I have definitely been in a place where I crave sugar/white carbs and it can take 2-4 weeks of 100% avoidance not to have the cravings. It's hard to explain if you haven't felt that way.

 

Honestly, if your DS craves ice cream daily and complains loudly if he doesn't get it, he may have a bit of a sugar addiction himself that might better be cut off sooner rather than later.

He doesn't complain loudly. We discuss how much sugar he eats. If he has a sugar addiction he will have to figure it out at this point. I am not going to micromanage what he eats.

[DawnM]

He doesn't complain loudly. We discuss how much sugar he eats. If he has a sugar addiction he will have to figure it out at this point. I am not going to micromanage what he eats.

 

 

Ugh.  I don't get it.  You complain that he is too fat but if we explain that you may have to make changes, you argue and say tough luck to him.

 

I feel like any suggestion is shot down and argued with.  

[catz]

Choosing not to have junk in your house isn't micromanaging.  It's making it easier for ALL of you to make better choices at home and supporting someone you love trying to build new habits. 

 

Like I said, try JAWM next time. 

[Guinevere]

Wow.

 

I think even fat people can have ice cream. And I think that Scarlett's house SHOULD be a safe place for her son (both of them!) to eat food, and treats, and feel like home. I don't think dss should be food shunned at home!

 

Unless something weird is going on, he could have ice cream every single day and still lose weight! If he doesn't, then maybe he'll have to be more drastic, but, they've got a doctor involved, so I'm confident they will manage that if necessary!

 

For now, he's making small changes, and getting lots of encouragement and support at home.

 

Good job, Scarlett!

[Pen]

Choosing not to have junk in your house isn't micromanaging.  It's making it easier for ALL of you to make better choices at home and supporting someone you love trying to build new habits. 

 

 

 

 

I've not read the whole thread, but I agree with the above--even though I find it hard to actually implement myself.  I know someone who was in the position of your ds growing up where he was the thin, tall kid, and his half-sib had an overweight problem. So at 6'5" and around 150lbs the idea was that this boy / young man needed some junk food to keep weight on.  I did not see him between age around 20 and age around 35, and was quite shocked to see that at 35 the once upon a time string bean youngster I'd known was obese, and had a junk food habit / addiction.  

 

I worry about my own ds in this regard because he is now skinny and would seem to be able to eat anything and not gain weight. But I also know that junk food is ... junk food.  And long term being a bit skinny, but not having a junk food habit may be far healthier.  Also, nutritionally healthy food at least most of the time, plus being a little underweight seems to be associated with longer life and better health.

 

Thus, I can understand that others in the family Want junk food -- it is tasty and designed to make us want more -- but do not really understand equating this with the idea that anyone in the family actually Needs junk food.  Everyone would probably be more healthy without it, though some may show the signs more extremely and earlier than others.  IMO. 

 

I also think that having things around that take a lot of willpower for someone to resist can make it much harder to stick with a healthy nutrition plan.

[Scarlett]

I've not read the whole thread, but I agree with the above--even though I find it hard to actually implement myself. I know someone who was in the position of your ds growing up where he was the thin, tall kid, and his half-sib had an overweight problem. So at 6'5" and around 150lbs the idea was that this boy / young man needed some junk food to keep weight on. I did not see him between age around 20 and age around 35, and was quite shocked to see that at 35 the once upon a time string bean youngster I'd known was obese, and had a junk food habit / addiction.

 

I worry about my own ds in this regard because he is now skinny and would seem to be able to eat anything and not gain weight. But I also know that junk food is ... junk food. And long term being a bit skinny, but not having a junk food habit may be far healthier. Also, nutritionally healthy food at least most of the time, plus being a little underweight seems to be associated with longer life and better health.

 

Thus, I can understand that others in the family Want junk food -- it is tasty and designed to make us want more -- but do not really understand equating this with the idea that anyone in the family actually Needs junk food. Everyone would probably be more healthy without it, though some may show the signs more extremely and earlier than others. IMO.

 

I also think that having things around that take a lot of willpower for someone to resist can make it much harder to stick with a healthy nutrition plan.

No one is saying ds needs junk food to keep weight on, I don't think that. Ds doesn't think that. Ds has been taught nutrition and we eat a fairly healthy but not perfect diet. He likes ice cream. He eats it many nights but not all nights. Dss likes ice cream but not as much as ds. He eats it sometimes. I respect his right to have a treat even while trying to lose weight. Edited September 5, 2017 by Scarlett

[Pen]

No one is saying ds needs junk food to keep weight on, I don't think that. Ds doesn't think that. Ds has been taught nutrition and we eat a fairly healthy but not perfect diet. He likes ice cream. He eats it many nights but not all nights. Dss likes ice cream but not as much as ds. He eats it sometimes. I respect his right to have a treat even while trying to lose weight.

 

 

I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought the idea that ds needed to eat constantly or he'd lose weight applied to things like ice cream -- all calories that ds consumes -- as well as more nutritious foods.  

 

But it still might be hard for dss to have such items around. Would it be possible to keep the home completely free of such items for, say, one month?  Maybe dss could then use his willpower toward careful (as Lanny pointed out) exercise, instead of having to use some of it to avoid high calorie, low nutrition items.

[TechWife]

 I don't think dss should be food shunned at home!

 

 

 

I don't think Scarlett should be food shunned here, either. 

[Scarlett]

Choosing not to have junk in your house isn't micromanaging. It's making it easier for ALL of you to make better choices at home and supporting someone you love trying to build new habits.

 

Like I said, try JAWM next time.

No. It wasn't a JAWM thread. Nor do I have to agree with every suggestion. I learn a lot. I like the contributions.

[Mimm]

I find it absolutely strange that in a thread about how to help a teenager lose weight, somehow the suggestion to keep junk food out of the house is a line in the sand. :confused1: :confused1: :confused1:  Do you realize this is diet advice that adults are given. To not keep unhealthy foods in the house because if they are available, you'll find yourself eating them. 

[Scarlett]

I keep junk food out of the house . Not 100% which is apparently required to be a good step mother.

[Guinevere]

I keep junk food out of the house . Not 100% which is apparently required to be a good step mother.

Only if you are competing with Cinderella's.

[Tanaqui]

.

 

I am upset that he weighs 300 pounds and is on HBP meds. I don't want to micromanage his food choices.

 

If he chooses to not take his medicine, do you go "Welp, that's fine, I don't want to micromanage his health choices"?

[HomeAgain]

Would it be a compromise to find healthier options to the junk food?  Most ice creams have a LOT of extra ingredients in them that aren't good for anyone.  There are one or two that we have found the 7yo can read the back easily: milk, cream, sugar, egg, vanilla.  We pair it with a fruit jam or poached pears.  Or a sorbet - I know there's a mango one that is mostly mango and carrot juice and it's amazing.  There's at home sorbet machines, too, that you can use to puree frozen fruit.

 

I don't think any house is healthy that has constant, premade junk food.  When I was growing up, we didn't have cookies, chips, or ice cream available.  If we wanted it, we had to make it.  This served two purposes:

1. we had to consciously make the decision to eat it. It wasn't just because it was there.

2. the entire process, gathering ingredients, mixing, baking, cooling...it fed all the senses.  Less was eaten when the treat finally made.  The 7yo and I made brownies the other night and ended up eating one each, but if I had brought out a package of Oreos an entire row would have been gone.

 

I don't think treats are bad.  I do think that we set ourselves up for failure when we get lazy about them. 

[ktgrok]

As long as the family meals Scarlett is cooking are appropriate to all members, I think it's ok for there to be a mix of food options in the house for everyone.

 

 

 

I'm guessing you haven't struggled with obesity. It is MUCH more like keeping alcohol in a house with a newly diagnosed alcoholic than like having gluten in a house with a gluten intolerant or celiac person. 

[ktgrok]

.

 

I am upset that he weighs 300 pounds and is on HBP meds. I don't want to micromanage his food choices.

 

LOL, well, then you obviously are not upset enough to do something about it. 

 

Again, if he were addicted to cocaine, would you keep it in the house while he was detoxing? Or booze? Of course not! People on here, who struggle with obesity, are telling you point blank that having ice cream in the house would be total sabotage. Please listen to them. 

 

Your DS can have ice cream and junk when out of the house. Let the house be a safe place for DSS. Help him, at least for now, to avoid the late night junk food. 

[ktgrok]

Wow.

 

I think even fat people can have ice cream. And I think that Scarlett's house SHOULD be a safe place for her son (both of them!) to eat food, and treats, and feel like home. I don't think dss should be food shunned at home!

 

Unless something weird is going on, he could have ice cream every single day and still lose weight! If he doesn't, then maybe he'll have to be more drastic, but, they've got a doctor involved, so I'm confident they will manage that if necessary!

 

For now, he's making small changes, and getting lots of encouragement and support at home.

 

Good job, Scarlett!

 

Have you struggled with obesity? If so, have you gotten to a healthy place while keeping your favorite binge foods in the house? 

 

If you answer no to either of those,, you are misinformed. 

[teachermom2834]

I struggle with my weight. A couple of my kids have a tendency towards carrying a little extra while others can eat and eat and eat. I try to have a balance of healthy food options while not scrutinizing everything that goes in everyone's mouth.

 

I don't expect Scarlett to agree but- the easiest way to not micromanage food choices is not having it around. I do not micromanage food choices because in my home I do not have to. Outside of my home they make their own choices but it removes that dynamic in the home.

 

So, no drinks with sugar, ice cream, cookies, candy, etc. in the house. I do buy two bags of chips a week and a couple boxes of cheese crackers (for family of 5). If someone hands my dd candy after dance class, fine. I'm not going to comment or micromanage. If my 17 yo ds hits the drive through on his way home from work- no comment. But inside my home we just don't have it.

 

If you don't want to micromanage food choices, the easiest way to remove that dynamic from your home is limiting treats to what everyone gets elsewhere. I don't know about anyone else but in my life there is plenty of junk bombarding us every time we leave the house. That is enough to manage and have autonomy over choices.

 

My mother dealt with disordered eating, basically binge eating when no one was around. It was a tragic situation, actually. I worry for a kid that has a dynamic in the home where he might eat a bunch of ice cream late at night and then be ashamed when someone discovered it. I am not accusing Scarlett of shaming him, at all. She has said she does not and I take her at her word. But I have seen the lifelong trauma of secretive eating. I worry, based on my experience, of setting a teen up for that. Again- not accusing anyone of doing that. It is something I wouldn't really expect anyone to understand unless they have lived with it. But that would be a fear of mine given the situation.

[historically accurate]

I keep junk food out of the house . Not 100% which is apparently required to be a good step mother.

 

It's not about being a good or bad step mother. No one is saying that!  :huh:  :confused1:

 

I'm guessing that you have never been obese. Not eating the ice cream or the extra cookie or the third bowl of cereal or whatever probably is second nature to you. Those of us who deal with this now or have dealt with this in the past are trying to impress on you it is just like a person stopping smoking (rule #1: throw away all packs, rule #2: avoid those places that you used to smoke). For obese people eating junk food can be a habit that needs breaking - having it out of the house especially since he likes to cook and therefore spends a lot of time in the kitchen means he doesn't have to waste precious willpower not hitting the cookie jar while in there or facing down the ice cream container while he is grabbing frozen berries. He can save it for when he's out and about and his friend offers him a Mountain Dew.

 

I don't see it as micromanaging his food; it is about making his home a safe mental space for him - he can grab whatever and it'll fit in his diet. What would be micromanaging or unacceptable is eating pizza in front of him and serving him a piece of bland fish or slapping the cheetos out of his hand if he is eating them. And I know you would never do that, so there's no problem...

 

I'm sorry you feel like posters are picking on the ice cream - it's just one of the first rules they teach you in dieting 101. I will just sum up with I wish your step son the best of luck on his weight loss journey. I hope his blood pressure comes down and he goes on to live a long, healthy life! 

[Guest]

I'm guessing you haven't struggled with obesity. It is MUCH more like keeping alcohol in a house with a newly diagnosed alcoholic than like having gluten in a house with a gluten intolerant or celiac person.

Yeah, just give it up. Those of us who have actually been there ourselves keep trying to help and are getting ignored or a gazillion excuses made for why we don't know what we are talking about. And then we get diet advice from people who haven't ever actually been morbidly obese, let alone at a young age.

 

It sounds like his doctor is pretty good on nutrition compared to most so I'm hoping he is giving good advice. But the rest on here is falling on deaf ears as it always seems to with her and this son.

 

No use beating your head against a wall.

[JudoMom]

There's an assumption here that Scarlett's dss can't resist ice cream.

 

Not all obese people are tempted by ice cream.

 

That's a treat I can have in the house and not be tempted by. And yes, as mentioned I've been obese and lost the weight. And I've done it with ice cream in the house and resisting it wasn't hard.

 

Cookies, cake, brownies--those tempt me. Ice cream doesn't. It might be the same for Scarlett's dss.

[DawnM]

Yeah, just give it up. Those of us who have actually been there ourselves keep trying to help and are getting ignored or a gazillion excuses made for why we don't know what we are talking about. And then we get diet advice from people who haven't ever actually been morbidly obese, let alone at a young age.

 

It sounds like his doctor is pretty good on nutrition compared to most so I'm hoping he is giving good advice. But the rest on here is falling on deaf ears as it always seems to with her and this son.

 

No use beating your head against a wall.

 

Yup.  Can't seem to like your post, something must be wrong on my browser.  But, yup.

[Scarlett]

Yeah, just give it up. Those of us who have actually been there ourselves keep trying to help and are getting ignored or a gazillion excuses made for why we don't know what we are talking about. And then we get diet advice from people who haven't ever actually been morbidly obese, let alone at a young age.

 

It sounds like his doctor is pretty good on nutrition compared to most so I'm hoping he is giving good advice. But the rest on here is falling on deaf ears as it always seems to with her and this son.

 

No use beating your head against a wall.

 

 

I appreciate the attempt to help me.  Some of you are pretty snarky but whatever, I can deal with that.

 

You are correct I have never been morbidly obese.  I have never even been overweight by any chart or scale.  And I am 52 years old. Is there any room for thinking maybe *I* know a thing or two about weight management since I have never been overweight?  

[Scarlett]

There's an assumption here that Scarlett's dss can't resist ice cream.

 

Not all obese people are tempted by ice cream.

 

That's a treat I can have in the house and not be tempted by. And yes, as mentioned I've been obese and lost the weight. And I've done it with ice cream in the house and resisting it wasn't hard.

 

Cookies, cake, brownies--those tempt me. Ice cream doesn't. It might be the same for Scarlett's dss.

 

 

As best I can tell ice cream is not his trigger.  If I had to guess I would say that bread is more his weakness than sweets. So should I keep bread out of the house?  Stop serving it at meals?   But honestly it is portion size of our regular meals that is the biggest problem.  

 

I think I will ask him about this topic.  

[FriedClams]

Choosing not to have junk in your house isn't micromanaging. It's making it easier for ALL of you to make better choices at home and supporting someone you love trying to build new habits.

 

Like I said, try JAWM next time.

This is me. In doing ww and I read a great quote that I'll paraphrase, "It's easier to say no once at the grocery store, than every time you walk in the kitchen." It's been **very** helpful to me to not have any of my trigger foods around, especially in the first month. Now I don't really care much for them, so it's less of a big deal. But, mentally I'm in a much better place than before and without steely eyed focus I still would binge on junk.

 

FWIW, the rest of my family is at a healthy weight, but after 7 weeks of no junk in the house they'll all agree they like eating this way (with a few treats) better.

Edited September 5, 2017 by FriedClams

[Guest]

Scarlett, no there isn't something we can learn from you and your oh so wonderful weight management. Because that assumes that you're doing something right and every fat kid and fat adult is doing something wrong, and if we only replicated your behaviors we'd be thin.

 

You think thousands of people haven't tried that? You think the ladies on this board haven't tried that? That we are intelligent and self disciplined and moral and determined in so many other areas of life but just can't muster a single bit of that to be successful "like you" in this one area? That's essentially what you're saying.

 

But the truth is that the experiences of the obese and the science behind what drives hunger and energy storage point to fat being a symptom of the biochemical issues at hand, not the cause. And trust me, you are not more determined, capable, or driven to remain thin than someone who has spent decade living as a fat person. And having fought my way down 130 pounds and maintained, but then watched it slip away lighting fast due to biochemical issues? It ain't willpower, honey. And it isn't as simple as eating a salad and half the desired serving of meat. Or laying off the ice cream.

 

If it were I guarantee most of us would never have been more than pudgy, let alone morbidly obese. It isn't a matter of replicating your behaviors, but that a fat body isn't functioning like your thin body, and that is what has driven the fatness. Even junk food - why are you eating a serving of icecream and someone else is eating three? Are you just better than them? More controlled? Smarter? Are they lazy and don't care what they look like? And are you sure your answers aren't being driven by you feeling superior in managing your weight compared to someone else who you see as having failed in the same area?

 

Careful, because every time you post your judgment and disdain shows a lot more than your empathy on this subject. You probably can't even hear yourself, but it's coming across loud and clear to more than a handful of us.

Edited September 5, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[DawnM]

As best I can tell ice cream is not his trigger.  If I had to guess I would say that bread is more his weakness than sweets. So should I keep bread out of the house?  Stop serving it at meals?   But honestly it is portion size of our regular meals that is the biggest problem.  

 

I think I will ask him about this topic.  

 

You may need to, or switch to a lower calorie bread, or an Ezekiel 4:9 bread, or no rolls, or whatever.

 

What are your regular meals?   Lean Veggies, lean meat, and brown rice?  If so, then, yes, he needs to work on portion control, but if you are having high, dense calorie items, then maybe you DO need to work on what you serve.

 

I know I do!   We could all benefit from it.