Lady Florida. Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) My same age cousin is getting married for the third time. The first time when we were young, I was her maid of honor. The second time was at the courthouse and short-lived. I'm hoping the third time will be the charm for her and she'll finally be happy. It's apparently going to be a formal affair at a beach resort. Invitations have you choose your entree, so it's obviously a sit-down dinner. Here's the question - My adult (19) son wasn't on the invitation nor did he receive a separate one. Would you ask if he's invited? If it matters we're close. Our fathers were best friends when they met, dated and married the sisters who are our mothers. We're only six weeks apart in age. We were always together as kids. When my family moved to Florida when I was 13, we always wrote to each other. She moved to Florida eventually too (as did her parents) and though she only lives 45 minutes away life keeps us both busy and we don't get together as often as we'd like. She was around ds when he was little and I'd drag him with me to visit her. As he got older I stopped requiring him to come unless it was an actual family gathering (not just the two of us getting together). She doesn't really know the adult version of him. What says the hive? Email, text, or call her and ask if he's invited? Or assume she just didn't invite him and leave it be? And if she didn't, I know it wasn't a slight. She might have thought he wasn't interested. She might be on a very limited budget (in fact I'm pretty sure she is) and only invited those she knew would want to come. I'm torn and even though we're close I don't want to commit such a faux pas as asking if it isn't right. Edited June 23, 2017 by Lady Florida. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 If the invites have you choose an entree, and there's no spot for him on the invite, I would assume he's not invited. There are some people I would ask and know they'd tell me honestly and not get ruffled or think I was guilting them into an invite, and there are others I wouldn't. You know your cousin best. If your DS isn't interested at all and isn't close to the woman, I would just let it go and take the invite at its face. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Since it's a relative, I would ask. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I'd probably just assume no and leave it alone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I guess it would depend on whether or not your DS really wants to go or not. DH and I were recently invited to a wedding. The young couple is only a few years older than my oldest. While not close friends, they have done far more things with my DS than with my DH and I. DS rearranged his summer plans when he heard they were getting married so he would home to attend the wedding. The invitation was sent only to DH and I, no and family. DS didn't get an invitation of his own. He was very disappointed when I told him it appeared he was not invited. After going back and forth on it I finally asked the bride if she minded if the kids came to the ceremony and not the reception because several of them really wanted to be there. We knew they were on a limited budget and I was afraid my large family would be a hardship so I didn't even want to suggest them wanting to coming to the reception too. Anyways, she was like, of course, our wedding and ceremony are both open, anyone can come to it. I don't know if she was just being gracious in saying that or she really meant it (there was many other young children there as well) but it worked out. I will say I"m still confused by the invitation because it was not address how "I was taught" back in the dark ages but I will admit to be socially clueless and wouldn't know if the "proper" way to do something changes or not. So I guess if your DS had a strong feeling about attending, then I'd be willing to ask. If he doesn't care I'd just let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I'd probably just assume no and leave it alone.I would, too. She might feel obligated to invite him just to not offend you or hurt your feelings, and then if she gets a lot of people doing that.... well, it could throw off their budget. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I'd probably leave it. If we were getting together socially before the RSVP were due I might start a conversation updating her on ds (summer job, graduation, whatever) and see if she followed up with "can't wait to see him at the wedding". That would be as close as I got to asking outright. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Clearly he is not invited. If you ask, you just put her on the spot. These affairs, as you know, can cost $50 to $100 a guest. Many venues have limits on the number of guests, too. For a 3rd wedding, she is probably having to pay for it herself. I am sure she would only invite those most close to her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I would ask but only because we've had many invitations come to dh and I only and then found out they had invited dc too. We even chose not to go to my cousins out of state wedding only to hear that all were invited and the wedding/reception was full of kids. I'm not sure why the invitations didn't specify that though. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 If your ds wants to go I think you should ask. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I would not ask her directly, but I might find out through the grapevine if there's a way to do that. Like, if there are other cousins and I found out their kids were not invited I would think that none of the children are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) Is your ds close to this person, and upset that he's not invited? I would assume the invitation is for you and your husband only. ETA at 19, he is an adult with his own social calendar, in the eyes of many. Edited June 23, 2017 by Seasider 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I would not ask. There have been a couple of occasions when my husband and I were invited to something, we went, and the hosts said "oh, where are the kids?" It annoys me because I want to say "they're at home, because we didn't know they were invited" but also didn't want to make the hosts feel bad. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) I would not ask. There have been a couple of occasions when my husband and I were invited to something, we went, and the hosts said "oh, where are the kids?" It annoys me because I want to say "they're at home, because we didn't know they were invited" but also didn't want to make the hosts feel bad. I went to a baby shower recently and the guest of honor asked where my kids were. Umm the invitation didn't specify and honestly, my daughter would have tried to open all the gifts LOL. On the other hand, I invited ds' friend to a birthday party and didn't specify siblings were welcome but I didn't care if siblings came. One family asked and I told them yes. Another family didn't ask and brought their other child and said hope you don't mind (I told him it was fine). I guess it's hard to know how to word invitations! Edited June 23, 2017 by heartlikealion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I'd assume he wasn't, and leave it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 A cousin I'm close with? I'd ask. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 You know, people poo-poo Miss Manners, but given all the threads here, things would be a lot easier if social etiquette (at least a known standard for addressing & interpreting invitations, announcements, etc!) still had a recognizable place in society. (Not directed at anyone in particular, just an observation aka rant. Sorry for the aside. Carry on.) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 With so many saying their received invitations weren't as specific as they could have been, I say ask. But, like others have said, only if your son desires to go. Honestly, I'm not even sure I would go to a third wedding because I have a different take on weddings than so many do: if you are part of the "crowd of witnesses" then it's partly your responsibility to make sure that bride and groom stick to their vows. Ask your son first and see what he thinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 They might have table arrangements (five to a table, or whatever) and no way to add extra chairs or plates of food so it might be tough to sort out. When I got married I didn't mean any slight when I didn't invite someone we know. I just hadn't seen her in years and she was closer to my sister than me. My sister asked me close to the wedding if she could come. I was irritated at the last min. addition and said yes. Then they didn't come. So don't stress out the bride over it all if your son doesn't even care or can't come. I would probably not ask her directly anyhow because they didn't ask about his plate. We are actually closer to the person now so it's water under the bridge but at the time I found it so irritating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I had a similar situation happen when I was young. I had become quite close to a woman about 10 years older than me-- she taught me piano, I babysat her kids and did things with them, all while I was an older teen. When she got remarried a few years later, my parents, members of the same church, but no other particular friendship or relationship , received an invitation addressed just to them. I did not also receive a separate invitation. I was pretty confused and disappointed. Since my parents did not attend, I don't know any more about what the reasons may have been for the way the invitation was addressed. For all I know, she may have been equally disappointed that I wasn't there! People! If you want particular persons at a function, invite them! Explicitly! [General rant not addressed to anyone on this thread] 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 People! If you want particular persons at a function, invite them! Explicitly! [General rant not addressed to anyone on this thread] That is the point of apparently bygone etiquette. It used to be standard, that most people knew, you write the names of all invited on the inner envelope. Or it says "and kids"......... Now, too many don't know what used to be standard etiquette, leaving many confused. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) Is your ds close to this person, and upset that he's not invited? No he's not. He'd probably go if invited and if he didn't have to work (it's unlikely he'd take the day off to go), but it doesn't bother him not to be. Though she and I are close, neither of us are close to the other one's kids. Each of our kids mostly just think of us us as "mom's cousin". ** Update **Thanks everyone. You all helped me think it through. I'm starting to think it's a cost issue. If I brought it up she'd probably feel bad and invite him, then I'd feel bad because I put that on her. I'll just leave it. Dh and I are planning to go. There won't be any hard feelings. I was just trying to figure out why she didn't invite him, knowing she wouldn't intentionally exclude him. Edited June 23, 2017 by Lady Florida. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I would assume he wasn't invited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 That is the point of apparently bygone etiquette. It used to be standard, that most people knew, you write the names of all invited on the inner envelope. Or it says "and kids"......... Now, too many don't know what used to be standard etiquette, leaving many confused. I agree, except (and this is quibbling, I know)... a lot of invitations don't have an inner envelope anymore. Which doesn't matter, because then they should just write it on the outer envelope. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) That is the point of apparently bygone etiquette. It used to be standard, that most people knew, you write the names of all invited on the inner envelope. Or it says "and kids"......... Now, too many don't know what used to be standard etiquette, leaving many confused. She and I grew up with this bygone etiquette so we're familiar with it, and that's actually what made me wonder. It didn't say "and son" though I don't know if one would do that with an adult child living at home. I was a bit thrown though that he didn't get his own invitation - that he wasn't actually invited. I've worked it out and think I know why now. I was just trying to figure out if I should ask if it was an oversight (she's always been a bit distracted). The hive helped me decide against it. Edited June 23, 2017 by Lady Florida. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I would assume he is not invited. If she notices you did not respond with his menu choice, and she actually meant to invite him, she could let you know at that time. I would not ask, as that would put her in an awkward position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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