Dinner Rules

[AimeeM]

I have three children, two of whom have special needs. I serve a main meal to DH and DD15 and I typically serve another two meals -- one for DS8 and one for DS5. 

DS8 and DS5 both have major sensory issues and both would literally prefer to go hungry than they would eat something that isn't on their pre-approved list. These are not children who will "eat when they're hungry." 

 

In general, we've adhered to a "two bite, no thank you" rule, but that didn't work well with either boy, so it stopped after DD15, really. She's a pretty good eater and will try almost anything a couple times and in different ways before deciding she doesn't care for it. 

 

To be frank, I'm a softie, too. The idea of my children going to bed hungry makes me feel nauseated.

 

No electronics at the table is a rule. This can be flexed, though, if it's the only way to get one of the boys to eat. 

Edited June 8, 2017 by AimeeM

[Peaceseeker]

A lot of food issues are about control. I can be encouraging, educate them, provide healthy options, etc... but in the end my children get to decide what to put in their own body. For me, not offering food they will eat is a form of control I don't choose to engage in. Now of course some meals are more popular than others but we have an open kitchen. Anyone is welcome to get a snack or fix something else if they are hungry or unsatisfied after dinner. I am extremely laid back with my children about food in general though. I just treat them the way I would want to be treated.

Edited June 8, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[mom of 2 boys]

My kids have special needs, so I prepare their dinners in such a way that I know they will like it, then they are offered incentives to eat it. For example, my older son with ASD has his plate divided in half. After eating one half, he gets a half glass of juice. After the second half, he gets another half glass of juice and a dessert. When he was a toddler, dinner was so impossible that we resorted to Netflix on an iPad just to get through it. We've finally ditched the iPad, but he's still working on sitting and not having outbursts. My younger son is allergic to dairy, has feeding issues and was in feeding therapy, so I prepare special dinners for him as well, but his table behavior is more manageable. In all honesty, meals around here are very basic so that I can modify them easily.

[Carrie12345]

No set rules.

 

I've had 2 picky eaters and am down to one, for the most part.  (The other is still a pain with certain things, but not entire meals.)  I have three terrific eaters, except one of them refuses to eat rice. I can live with that, lol.

 

Food is fuel.  The body needs it.  I prefer for them to have the best possible fuel.  Sometimes I settle for adequate.  I do my best to avoid making a biological function a battle ground.  There are times I don't succeed!

[Katy]

We have pretty structured rules.  We fix dinner and snacks.  You have to have 3 bites of everything to eat dessert.  If you hate the meal but are still hungry after 3 bites, I will make you a peanut butter sandwich or some acceptable alternative.

[KungFuPanda]

It's summer, so my meal formula is:

 

1. Grilled meat

2. Grain in the rice cooker

3. Veggies - salad, grilled, or steamed with grain in rice cooker

 

It's modular, easy, lends itself well to leftovers, and makes clean-up fast. If I marinate a meat, I try to do two or three so I'll have a stash in the freezer.

 

My picky eater came home from college so I'm back to thinking before I cook. She likes healthier options, so I feel it benefits us all to defer to her tastes some of the time,

[J-rap]

What and how much they eat has never been a big deal, though they were not picky eaters either.  We were more about enjoying dinner together, how to have polite conversation, catching up on our day, and table manners.

[Pam in CT]

I generally parent largely as my parents parented, but this is one area of significant difference.  I grew up with you-can't-leave-the-table-until  food battles.  I really really really didn't want that with my own kids.

 

 

We also do modular meals (one kid is vegetarian while one parent and another kid are meat-lovers, so that flows fairly naturally).

 

We also have standing healthy snacks (fruit in the fruit bowl; Greek yogurt, veggies & hummus in the fridge) to which anyone is always welcome, including in the middle of any meal.

 

We have three dinner rules: 1. No rude comments about the food; 2. No electronics at the table; 3.  Y'all clean up.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm a "particular" eater myself.  It's not a problem because I'm the one who does all the cooking!  But you can be sure I don't cook stuff I hate. 

 

 

 

 

I'm tired of the term "picky eater." I am a picky eater. I'd rather say that I can't tolerate some foods. I mean, if I was starving I could eat them, but it'd be like someone offering you monkey brain stew or centipede salad. You could do it if you had to, but you'd hope you never had to. It's a source of frustration to me. I go to restaurants and there are only 2 or 3 items on the menu I'd even consider eating.

My oldest son is the same way. The youngest isn't honestly picky, but he was a monkey-see monkey-do younger brother. So if his older brother wouldn't eat it, neither would he. It was a lovely show of solidarity and brotherhood, but man, was it frustrating!

For my oldest, I remember the time I tried to serve him the same food for every meal to see if he'd finally get hungry enough to eat it. I finally gave up after the third day where he missed a total of 9 meals and he was getting weak and pale. I felt like a monster doing that, but that's the sort of thing people will tell you to do. He never caved and ate the food. I was the one who caved. And I'm glad I did. I think it was horrible to starve him trying to force him to eat.

We're coming out of a long, dark tunnel and things are better than they've ever been. The youngest is realizing he actually likes a lot of foods and is willing to branch out now even if his older brother doesn't like them. The oldest is slowly expanding his palate and also trying a limited number of new foods. He just ate some chicken fajitahs the other day and it was a HUGE moment for us.

It took years, but eventually the boys had a few breakfast foods they liked, a few lunch foods they liked, and finally just a year and a half ago, we came up with 7 dinners that we all liked. So, they eat those same foods over and over and it's been going well. We'll be able to add the chicken fajitahs to the dinner roster now, so we have 8 dinners we all like. (Yes!)

If I could do it over again, I'd do my very, very best to try to track down the foods they like to eat early on and offer them. No shaming or pressuring or fighting over food. I remember eating a tuna fish sandwich and potato chips for my school lunch every day from 3th grade to 12th grade. Every day. For a decade. When I first got married, we ate tuna helper and spaghetti every other night. We went out to eat twice a week in between our tuna helper and spaghetti. I've come a LONG way. And I see my oldest coming along as well. He'll never love all foods, but he will be able to eat more than just 7 or 8 items, which is how it was just a couple of years ago. was in constant stress worrying about his health, because most of the 8 things he would eat were things like fishsticks and chicken nuggets.

I did cut a deal with him that if he would drink that V8 juice (not the tomato kind) that has a serving of fruits and veggies in each cup, then I wouldn't force him to eat fruits and veggies. So, we still measure out that 1 cup every day at lunch and he drinks it. He has never eaten a piece of fruit and has only eaten veggies a few times ever. I also got a chocolate milk protein drink for him that I give him from time to time.

Bottom line: I would handle it delicately. If it's not a true pickiness, then I'd insist on the trying one bite thing. But if they puke up that bite (like when my son puked up the single elbow macaroni noodle I had him try), then you have a serious picky problem and forcing the issue won't help. Whatever you decide to do, keep it gentle. Know that a lot of us are in the same boat. It often gets a bit better as they get older. But always, keep it light and gentle and try not to make it a big issue.

Here are our dinners if it helps any:
Spaghetti (one boy eats red sauce with meatballs, the other puts Hormel chili on his)
Tacos (the boys only have meat and cheese on theirs. I'm going to try having them put some salsa on soon. I think they're ready for mild salsa.)
Fish (sticks if necessary, but I make some fresh fish from time to time, though they barely eat it)
Homemade pizza
Meatloaf (but not for me, because meatloaf will make me heave...I eat soup on meatloaf night)
Some sort of beef (a stir fry over rice or roast beef)
Some sort of chicken (has been baked or breasts in the pressure cooker, but now I can add fajitahs!!!!)

Breakfast:
Eggs PLUS
Sausage OR ham OR bacon
Youngest just discovered strawberry/banana/yogurt smoothies and has been eating those plus a sausage. This is new.

Lunch:
Swedish meatball Smart Ones meal OR
ramen noodles OR
Hotdogs

Yeah...lunch is weak. That's when they drinks the V8 juice and will have a little side of Greek yogurt.

I'm actually pretty proud of all the foods my oldest eats now. We've come a very long way. We have a ways to go, but I'm not stressing about it like I used to.


ETA: Since my youngest likes more than my oldest, especially stews and soups, I'll make a big stew or soup as well as the regular dinner and then let the youngest eat it. I'll freeze the rest and pull it out for him for lunch every now and then as well. And there are two casseroles that I sometimes add: one boy likes casserole A and hates casserole B and vice versa. When one boy is at a friend's house, I'll make the casserole that the boy at home likes for dinner.

 

[Plagefille]

No special dinners here, you have to eat what was made. But I always make sure everyone likes at least one of the items made for dinner. I also encourage trying everything, but don't force it. They choose and make their own breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Honestly we've never really had problems with dinner doing it this way. Sometimes they don't eat much or only pick out the parts they like, but they seem fine with it.

[Night Elf]

I'm a "particular" eater myself.  It's not a problem because I'm the one who does all the cooking!  But you can be sure I don't cook stuff I hate. 

 

This is why I've never wanted to force my kids to eat foods they don't like. I'd be pretty ticked off if someone expected that of me.

[Loowit]

I used to love cooking, but right now I dread it.  I know that at least one if not more kids will not like what I serve.  We had been allowing them to make an alternative, but our grocery budget has gotten way out of what we can afford, so we have had to cut back.  Our new rule is that I make a menu, they get input if they want to, and then that is what is for the meal.  I try to account for everybody's taste and such, and try to have at least one thing they will each eat.  If it is something that I know one kid will not eat, I will offer one alternative which is take it or leave it, no debates or negotiations.

 

My biggest hurdle is youngest who keeps changing what he is willing to eat, and the list continues to get smaller and smaller.  Right now I am working with him to list food in categories of foods he loves, foods he is okay with, foods he can eat even if he doesn't like them much, and foods he can't eat (as in the texture makes him throw up).  It is a very slow and tedious process.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I had a picky eater.  When DD was young she would not eat anything but broccoli, pasta, and meat.  We made her take a bite of whatever veggie we had for each meal.  Just 1 little bite.  As she got older it was 3 little bites.  We took her to a buffet restaurant as often as we could because she would be willing to eat a bit more when we were out (spinach in ranch soup/dressing).  This continued until I no longer had to cajole her into little bites.  Now she's a GF vegetarian who eats tons of veggies.

 

We didn't push and if she really didn't want to eat that green bean (now one of her favs) she didn't have to and I ALWAYS made sure there was food for her to eat. So for us what worked was treating it like an allergy, lol.  Small doses and lots of patience.

 

Another thing a lot of parents don't realize is that it isn't the taste but the texture that causes the issue with food.  I can not eat veggies out of a can.  By the time you heat them up they're all mushy :ack2:  :ack2:  :ack2: .  But fresh or even frozen (if not overcooked) is fine.

[Mrs.Wilson]

I don't really have picky eaters.  There are things that some of them don't like.  I try to keep their likes and dislikes in mind when I'm cooking.  I do make them try things if I'm confident they will like it or if they've never had it before.  There are some things that I do "majority rules".  For example most of the people in my family only like fish if it's fried.  I can get the youngest ones to try it baked, but that's a lot of work to fry fish and bake it.  So, I just fry all the fish.  

 

The dinner battles I have are when someone suddenly says they don't like something.  Then I make them eat it, even if it takes them all night.  It usually doesn't.  lol That's when I decide we are having dessert that night and suddenly that person has no problem finishing their food quickly.  

[reign]

1. Eat fruit and veggies before I bring the main course.

(This is due to one child's eating problems and another's drama issues)

 

2. Sit in the chair and face the table or you will have to clean up the mess on the floor.

 

3. Clean up the mess on the floor.

 

4. You can't get up to play,get stuff,draw a picture,or swing and expect your food to be hot. We have no micro/toaster and I'm not recooking plated food.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

For anyone suffering from residual poverty issues in relation to clean plates - nobody should ever have to go through that. :( It's not necessary. A teaspoon sized "try it before you take it" bite wastes nothing measurable. If the kids won't eat it, mom and dad can freeze it or have it for their own lunch the next day. The replacement pb&j for picky kids is cheap.

 

I know that baggage is baggage, but maybe this will help somebody who is trying to break the clean plate shame cycle. Just don't serve heaps of food unless you know (from experience) that your child will eat it. Introduce new foods in tiny doses.

[Garga]

I had a picky eater. When DD was young she would not eat anything but broccoli, pasta, and meat. We made her take a bite of whatever veggie we had for each meal. Just 1 little bite. As she got older it was 3 little bites. We took her to a buffet restaurant as often as we could because she would be willing to eat a bit more when we were out (spinach in ranch soup/dressing). This continued until I no longer had to cajole her into little bites. Now she's a GF vegetarian who eats tons of veggies.

 

We didn't push and if she really didn't want to eat that green bean (now one of her favs) she didn't have to and I ALWAYS made sure there was food for her to eat. So for us what worked was treating it like an allergy, lol. Small doses and lots of patience.

 

Another thing a lot of parents don't realize is that it isn't the taste but the texture that causes the issue with food. I can not eat veggies out of a can. By the time you heat them up they're all mushy :ack2: :ack2: :ack2: . But fresh or even frozen (if not overcooked) is fine.

It is absolutely texture a lot of the time. And mysteries. Mysteries will make me gag. If I go to a pot luck and there are mysterious casseroles there, I cannot bring myself to eat them. I don't know what's in them and they kinda look like glop in the bowl. They're mushy looking and I don't know what's hidden in them. Sometimes I will retch a little on the inside just looking at a mysterious casserole.

 

For my picky son, I think he'll like stroganoff. He likes the ingredients, but when I've tried to get him to eat it, he just sees the glop of white stuff around the meat and you can see him looking pale and disgusted by the texture/look. Next time I make it, I'm going to have him make the sauce part with me (sour cream, water, bouillon, garlic), and we'll keep the meat (ground meat) separate. He can get some noodles, put the dry meat on top, and then cover it with the sauce. That's the sort of thing that helps me to eat something--when I have full knowledge of what was put in there and I'm not presented with a plate of glop. I need to know exactly what's inside before I mush it all together.

 

My dh is an adventurous eater. He makes his own lunches in the instant pot on Sundays and has enough to last the week. He often will say, "Hey try this!" And sometimes I will try it and my stomach will heave from either the texture or the flavor. I hate trying a bite of food. This happened last weekend when he made a stew but used the dark meat of the chicken. Something about dark meat mixed into other food makes my stomach heave. It was all I could do to get it down and I quickly ate something else to get the taste out of my mouth. My dh always looks so sad when I don't like the food he's made. I can't control it and I regret the times I made my son feel sad when he couldn't eat the food I made.

 

Even as a picky eater, I wasn't as compassionate toward my picky son when he was little. Granted, my pickness meant I ate a TON of veggies, so I was healthy, and his pickiness ended up being for nuggets and fishsticks and ramen noodles. It was not healthy at all. I would get soooo anxious on the inside watching him eat all that junk. It's not perfect now, but it's better.

 

Being a picky eater isn't something you can control, if it's real. Some kids try pickiness on for size or go through a little stage and you can insist they eat a few bites and eventually they start eating everything again, but if it's real, it can be distressing to be picky. I'd love to be able to eat more foods, but I just can't.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Garga

[La Condessa]

My theory used to be that I would just make meals that included something that each of them would eat, and then ask them to have a tiny serving of each item (like, maybe two bites) before eating all they wanted of their favorites.  But that theory assumed I would be able to predict what they would want to eat. 

 

My oldest constantly changes what she is willing to eat without warning.  It drives me crazy.  She will randomly decide that a food she has always loved is now inedible, and that I must be nuts to expect her to eat the meal I just made specifically because it was one of her favorites.  When she started refusing mozzarella cheese (hello, PIZZA?  this child would have happily lived off of pizza before!), I gave up.  Now I just make food, and they can eat it or not.  Letting them feed themselves instead was a no go.  In one sitting at dinner time one of my picky eaters would devour enough dry cereal to feed all of my kids breakfast for two days, or enough bread to make sandwiches for lunch for two days, or an entire stack of plain flour tortillas.  They would promise to clean up after themselves, make a huge mess, and then throw a fit when actually required to clean it up.  (HOW does one make that kind of mess with tortillas???)  As mean as it sounds, I now just make what I feel like making (generally things they have enjoyed at some point in the past), and that's what there is until breakfast.  My picky eaters have gotten to the point where, if they are hungry enough, they will usually eat a little of the offered dinner to tide themselves over until the next breakfast.

[TheReader]

Garga, my youngest sounds like you & yours. He just this past month or so, out of the blue, accepted some chili on his plate when we had hotdogs one night. We top ours with chili & cheese, he eats his plain. He actually took a little spoonful of chili, and a pile of shredded cheese, and topped his hotdog....and ate it. And liked it. We were blown away. 

 

He's also started mixing up his stir fry type dishes; I usually plate his with rice, meat, veggies/sauce, 3 separate things. Lately he has, on his own, mixed them together "just to see" and then kept doing it. 

 

It's amazing to see. 

 

Anyway, just wanted to say, I get it. There's "picky" and then there's "I really cannot eat those foods, please don't make me." Gentle, gentle, gentle, just like you said. (Oh, and we also supply chocolate milk protein drinks, etc.)

[Zinnia]

I eat literally everything. I don't prefer eggs fried over hard, and I don't love well done steak. But other than that, almost everything. My dh eats everything but mayo on sandwiches.

 

I think in some ways, that makes it harder to understand my pickiest child. My brother was exactly like this, and I believe it is true. It is just so, so bizarre to us.

[Noreen Claire]

I was raised in a very strict "sit there until you eat every last bite" household and was traumatized by it. I've had to work to get (somewhat) over it and not be horrible to my children the way my father was with me. I have found that The Feeding Doctor and Ellyn Satter (both FaceBook links) have helped me tremendously.

[Alice]

Just the standard one for anyone living with teen boys: Do not eat all the food before the parental units get to eat!

 

Our version of this is "You cannot get thirds before you ask if anyone else wants seconds." 

 

Other than that our main rule is just be polite. No saying "yuck" or talking about other people's food choices. 

 

I have one kid who eats pretty much anything, one who is a vegetarian by choice and somewhat picky and one who is pretty normal (eats most things but has some dislikes). Dh will eat anything. I was a very picky kid and have become less so as an adult but am probably still the pickiest in the family. Or as I prefer to think of myself "a Supertaster". 

 

We do mostly modular meals also. The kids are all able to cook themselves something they will eat so on the rare occasions that someone won't eat anything we are having, they can make themselves something or I will do it if there is time. The way this works in reality is that I will realize that my meal plan is chicken, grilled red potatoes and asparagus. The vegetarian doesn't like potatoes and isn't going to eat just asparagus as a meal. So if I have time I'll look for something for him or if I am busy I'll call him into the kitchen and ask him to make himself something. He can make eggs, a quesadilla, or "cheesy delight" (his concoction which is basically beans and rice with various toppings...cheese, spinach, guacamole, etc) all fairly quickly. 

 

I try to encourage them to try what I've made since none of them are the kind of picky kids who have texture issues. If they really don't want to, they don't have to. 

 

Anyone can get themselves something else to eat if they are still hungry or don't like the options but they have to choose something healthy. Fruit, veggies, cheese, yogurt, nuts, etc. 

[Joker]

We don't make meals and food a big deal here. I don't get why I would. My almost 18 year old hates ground beef as much today as he did the first time I gave it to him as a baby. No matter how many times I tried to make him "try a bite" with something made from ground beef he has never developed a liking for it and hates it. That's just one example but most things my dc have disliked early on they have continued to dislike and me power tripping over dinner never changed things so I stopped.

 

We've also had to have talks about what is really considered polite when at someone else's home. One time ds thought he should be polite at a friends house and he ate pork, which he also doesn't eat, and it made him quite sick. No one at that home enjoyed that and I think they all would have been happier if he had just declined the food. He, and dd, now know that it is okay to not eat the food served at someone else's home. 

 

My dc are able to make themselves something else after dinner if they didn't like enough of what I made to be satisfied. They will usually opt for eggs, cheese & crackers, pb&j, fruit, veggies, or soup. They are all healthy weight and have no issues so I think we're doing fine. 

[theelfqueen]

When my kids were little the standing rule was "Some of everything, all of something" -- you must have some of everything being served (a bite would count) and all that you were served of SOMETHING on your plate (might be all of a roll some days LOL)