Help me define "critiquing" personality please,

[4everHis]

Someone who critiques EVERY thing. Shoelaces, buildings, workmanship, every meal put before them. They are hardest on themselves and truly believe that they are only looking to become better at anything they do. They are never mean or mean hearted. They can not imagine that everyone doesn't feel the same way or want to be critiqued so they can become 'better.'  I'm trying to decide if this is something that a person can not help, if it's really a way of 'lessening' what everyone else does. Is it a personality trait that many people have? 

 

TIA for any thoughts.

[Jen500]

IMO some people are natural at inspiring, motivating, and building other people up, but it's also a skill that could be learned to some extent regardless of one's personality.

[4everHis]

They aren't really building anyone up. Example: Meal set in front of them. Smell it, poke it, lick it. Then say, "This is good but if it had a little more salt, was cooked 2 min less/more, etc."  Someone does bathroom tile for them you might get, "Did you notice these tiles are 1/32 of an inch off right here?" No matter what is done task, play, mundane to important, this person points out how it could have been better, faster, more perfect.

[Carol in Cal.]

My dad is like this.  He seems to think that the compliments 'go without saying' but the negative feedback is worthy of note and must be articulated.

 

I hate it.  I don't tell him anything for which a positive reaction is important to me.  I mean, I pass on the news, but in a detached way.  I was astounded when I heard that he was proud of me for getting honors at my high school graduation.  Naturally I heard this second hand.  And naturally what I heard was that he wished he had invited some of his relatives to see it, not that he was actually proud of me.  Because you just can't *say* that.

 

Also, it has made me look for good things to say.  Compliments do not 'go without saying'.

Edited April 11, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[gardenmom5]

"critiquing" actually tends to undermine people - including the person doing it.

 

it is  possible  to learn how to lift other people - but it's by point out what they are doing RIGHT, not wrong.  if someone wants to know if/what they're doing wrong - they'll ask.  if they aren't asking, it's not on their radar and someone "helping them by 'critiquing' them" - is just obnoxious.  at best.  in that case, the person who is "critiquing" isn't doing it for the benefit of helping someone - but their own sense of self-importance.  even if you think it's not mean spirited- it's obnoxious and not done out of courtesy.

Edited April 11, 2017 by gardenmom5

[zoobie]

Critical and self-critical are personality descriptors. 

 

I would disagree that the person is not mean or mean hearted if they have been told to stop criticizing others because it is hurtful and they continue. That aspect sounds like classic narcissism, but the self-critical aspect does not. (Though narcissists can have very high expectations for themselves, they tend not to share any perceived faults of self with others.) The only thing you can do is set boundaries. When they criticize you/yours, you step up and tell them to stop. (You can start off polite but firm and direct. Do NOT apologize for stopping them. As the behavior continues, drop any niceties.) If they continue, you end the conversation and remove yourself/the child from the situation. If you suspect any form of narcissism, do not tell them that the behavior **hurts** you because this will increase it rather than decrease it. Just tell them to stop. If you think they're more clueless, explain ONCE that it is hurtful and then move on with boundary enforcement.

[Jen500]

They aren't really building anyone up. Example: Meal set in front of them. Smell it, poke it, lick it. Then say, "This is good but if it had a little more salt, was cooked 2 min less/more, etc."  Someone does bathroom tile for them you might get, "Did you notice these tiles are 1/32 of an inch off right here?" No matter what is done task, play, mundane to important, this person points out how it could have been better, faster, more perfect.

Sorry, in my comment I meant that constantly critiquing  is NOT building someone up, even if the person handing out the critique thinks they are just helping the other person improve in some way. You don't need to always dish out compliments to build someone up either. I know people who are very good at inspiring others, and they may give out compliments or critiques, usually both, but the overall feeling you are left with when interacting with them is positive instead of negative.

[gardenmom5]

They aren't really building anyone up. Example: Meal set in front of them. Smell it, poke it, lick it. Then say, "This is good but if it had a little more salt, was cooked 2 min less/more, etc."  Someone does bathroom tile for them you might get, "Did you notice these tiles are 1/32 of an inch off right here?" No matter what is done task, play, mundane to important, this person points out how it could have been better, faster, more perfect.

 

there is a way of solving this.

you pick up the plate and take it away while saying "so sorry this isn't  adequately prepared for you. I'm sure you can make something to eat to your standards."   and don't offer to prepare them anything else to eat. 

 

the tile thing sounds like an engineer.  do you know how to torture an engineer?  tie them up  - then fold a map up wrong.

[slackermom]

MIL is a natural critic. She cannot relate to the world in any other way. It colors every single interaction with her, and causes tremendous strain on those of us who still try to maintain a relationship with her. She must comment (negatively) on everything. Every conversation includes a variation on: "I am not telling you what to do, but...." And then she gets super huffy when you proceed to do things your own way, or maintain your own opinion, etc. Once when I boiled water, she gave me suggestions on how to do that better. I could keep typing stupid examples for days, but that is enough for my blood pressure right now.

 

DH shares this trait, but to a lesser degree. I once told him that I was originally drawn to his strong sense of right and wrong, but it was starting to come across as really judgmental. The trait can serve him well in his profession (attorney), and MIL has used her critical attitude for good, getting pretty involved in politics.

 

I am the polar opposite. I almost never offer criticism. I might make a suggestion for something I see as a safety concern, but otherwise, eh, live and let live, different strokes for different folks, etc. MIL takes this lack of commentary as a sign that I don't care. I care about her as a person, but I do not care at all about how she boils her water, or whatever, as long as she isn't endangering anyone.

 

 

 

[Word Nerd]

ETA: Commented before reading the whole thread. 

 

Edited April 11, 2017 by Word Nerd

[Carol in Cal.]

 

 

I am the polar opposite. I almost never offer criticism. I might make a suggestion for something I see as a safety concern, but otherwise, eh, live and let live, different strokes for different folks, etc. MIL takes this lack of commentary as a sign that I don't care. 

Can you perhaps position this as respect rather than as being uncaring?

 

I tried to do that once in similar circumstances.  I don't think it went all that well, but it was the best I could do at the time.  My pastor's wife is extremely inquisitive, and her questions are very personal.  She's not a malicious gossip but she passes information along that is quite intimate about everyone.

 

I really don't want to comment on her questions, but it is hard to just change the subject sometimes.  So once she was talking about how she tried to be a good friend to someone by asking them a bunch of questions to show her concern, and how she didn't get that back, and I said, "Well, maybe she thought she was respecting your privacy by letting you volunteer information rather than asking for it."  Honestly, it was like the PW didn't even hear what I said.  And she kept on with the curiousity, even to me, so it didn't affect her.  But if I were directly accused of being uncaring because I didn't coach or criticize or ask personal questions of someone, I think I would say that I'd rather be supportive than critical and let the chips fall where they may.

Edited April 11, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[kiana]

They aren't really building anyone up. Example: Meal set in front of them. Smell it, poke it, lick it. Then say, "This is good but if it had a little more salt, was cooked 2 min less/more, etc."  Someone does bathroom tile for them you might get, "Did you notice these tiles are 1/32 of an inch off right here?" No matter what is done task, play, mundane to important, this person points out how it could have been better, faster, more perfect.

 

Oh hey. When did you meet my grandmother? 

[Hyacinth]

Perfectionist?

 

I think a helpful suggestion vs. what seems to be a nitpicky criticism boils down to motivation. And the person may not recognize a motivation behind the comments; he's just a natural perfectionist. So I might try to explain the difference between comments that are truly helpful vs. those seem simply to show off how much smarter/wiser/better he is.

 

Helpful suggestions are typically solicited. (Did I ask for your opinion?)

Helpful suggestions can be implemented. (I'm not ripping up the tile floor.)

You're willing to help make the change you're suggesting. (You offer to make dinner "the right way" next time).

 

 

Edited April 11, 2017 by Hyacinth

[8circles]

I define it as cruel.

[Janeway]

If they are not an otherwise mean person, then perhaps critiquing their critiquing would put an end to it.

 

My MIL is evil and mean. She is just a rejecting and criticizer. She is not allowed in my home anymore, but back when she did visit, she would insult everything from the curtains to the pictures on the walls to how my cupboards were organized. It was normal on every visit for her to pull pictures off the wall, pull stuff out of the cupboards stating she did not like how it was arranged, pull stuff out of closets, etc. One time, she showed up at our house with some ugly art work she made, that was very ugly, and she proceeded to pull framed pictures of my children off the walls and replacing it with her art work. She told me is was self centered and arrogant to display pictures of my own children on the walls. She has never ever walked in to my home and not said a bunch of rude remarks. She actually will walk around my house like she is inspecting, every single time. 

[heartlikealion]

Someone who critiques EVERY thing. Shoelaces, buildings, workmanship, every meal put before them. They are hardest on themselves and truly believe that they are only looking to become better at anything they do. They are never mean or mean hearted. They can not imagine that everyone doesn't feel the same way or want to be critiqued so they can become 'better.'  I'm trying to decide if this is something that a person can not help, if it's really a way of 'lessening' what everyone else does. Is it a personality trait that many people have? 

 

TIA for any thoughts.

 

They aren't really building anyone up. Example: Meal set in front of them. Smell it, poke it, lick it. Then say, "This is good but if it had a little more salt, was cooked 2 min less/more, etc."  Someone does bathroom tile for them you might get, "Did you notice these tiles are 1/32 of an inch off right here?" No matter what is done task, play, mundane to important, this person points out how it could have been better, faster, more perfect.

 

Uh, that might be considered mean. Considering it's done all the time and from the sounds of it, not appreciated feedback??

[Bluegoat]

With a lot of the people I've met like this, it seems to be more of a habit than anything else - a habit of thinking and conversing in a particular way.  A lot of times I suspect it's something they got from a parent or family culture.  What I've found is that often the person is surprised that others perceive the critique in such a negative way, or in a personal way.

 

[Janie Grace]

Look up the personality type ISTJ. This is a good start: https://www.16personalities.com/istj-strengths-and-weaknesses

 

I don't think it's cruel; sometimes it truly is a personality trait. I suspect this is the case because the person you describe is most critical of him/herself. 

[klmama]

I think it is usually a personality trait - a combination of attention to detail and a desire for things to be "right" -  that can be extremely helpful to others or can be hurtful, depending on how it's used.  Where I grew up, most teachers and coaches exhibited this personality trait, and successful students and athletes learned to pay attention and make improvements where needed.  On the other hand, I know some people who seem to be completely unable to acknowledge a job well done, or done well for that person, and they are very frustrating. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's annoying is what it is.

 

IF it is about truly caring about the other person then they will take a hint when they realize the other person does not want to be picked apart and "critiqued" all the time.

 

My MIL has not gotten the hint.  A few times she mentioned this is just the way she is. Ugh.  Can't stand it.  Just shut up is what I want to say.  Get some duct tape or somethin.

 

Luckily she is not really a regular part of my life.

[heartlikealion]

With a lot of the people I've met like this, it seems to be more of a habit than anything else - a habit of thinking and conversing in a particular way.  A lot of times I suspect it's something they got from a parent or family culture.  What I've found is that often the person is surprised that others perceive the critique in such a negative way, or in a personal way.

 

I think that can totally be true. Perfectionism is a trait and I have it. I have a parent with it. But we can learn when to not always share our thoughts, at least the times when it's going to do more harm than good.

 

I'm overly critical of ds I think. I sometimes look back at things I've said and felt badly about it. I am tough on myself and my parents were tough on me in certain areas so I think I pass that down. Like, dh and I were talking about ds' grades and I said that he should pull up the 90 (because it's barely an A and could easily slip back down). Dh was upset with me, but I didn't mean it in a mean way. I just meant it's good to have a cushion. I did congratulate him on the grades, but I might have ruined the moment. Sometimes I act like the mom on Fresh off the Boat lol

 

[4everHis]

My dad is like this.  He seems to think that the compliments 'go without saying' but the negative feedback is worthy of note and must be articulated.

 

I hate it.  I don't tell him anything for which a positive reaction is important to me.  I mean, I pass on the news, but in a detached way.  I was astounded when I heard that he was proud of me for getting honors at my high school graduation.  Naturally I heard this second hand.  And naturally what I heard was that he wished he had invited some of his relatives to see it, not that he was actually proud of me.  Because you just can't *say* that.

 

Also, it has made me look for good things to say.  Compliments do not 'go without saying'.

This person hands out compliments too, just not as often as they see the need to point out 'lack.'

[4everHis]

"critiquing" actually tends to undermine people - including the person doing it.

 

it is  possible  to learn how to lift other people - but it's by point out what they are doing RIGHT, not wrong.  if someone wants to know if/what they're doing wrong - they'll ask.  if they aren't asking, it's not on their radar and someone "helping them by 'critiquing' them" - is just obnoxious.  at best.  in that case, the person who is "critiquing" isn't doing it for the benefit of helping someone - but their own sense of self-importance.  even if you think it's not mean spirited- it's obnoxious and not done out of courtesy.

This is how I have felt. I have shared this with this person. Because they think they would love to be critiqued (they don't really) they can't understand why someone would take it personally. 

[gardenmom5]

This is how I have felt. I have shared this with this person. Because they think they would love to be critiqued (they don't really) they can't understand why someone would take it personally. 

 

have you asked this person if they would like you to critque them?  in the interests of helping them of course. . . . . when they complain they don't like it, you can ask them if they don't, why they think anyone else would?

[4everHis]

there is a way of solving this.

you pick up the plate and take it away while saying "so sorry this isn't  adequately prepared for you. I'm sure you can make something to eat to your standards."   and don't offer to prepare them anything else to eat. 

 

the tile thing sounds like an engineer.  do you know how to torture an engineer?  tie them up  - then fold a map up wrong.

OK. This is a specific I should have mentioned. Person is definitely engineer. And I absolutely could make them nutso with the map thing!

[zoobie]

This is how I have felt. I have shared this with this person. Because they think they would love to be critiqued (they don't really) they can't understand why someone would take it personally. 

 

It doesn't matter if they think they would enjoy it. You don't. So they need to stop with you. 

[4everHis]

MIL is a natural critic. She cannot relate to the world in any other way. It colors every single interaction with her, and causes tremendous strain on those of us who still try to maintain a relationship with her. She must comment (negatively) on everything. Every conversation includes a variation on: "I am not telling you what to do, but...." And then she gets super huffy when you proceed to do things your own way, or maintain your own opinion, etc. Once when I boiled water, she gave me suggestions on how to do that better. I could keep typing stupid examples for days, but that is enough for my blood pressure right now.

 

DH shares this trait, but to a lesser degree. I once told him that I was originally drawn to his strong sense of right and wrong, but it was starting to come across as really judgmental. The trait can serve him well in his profession (attorney), and MIL has used her critical attitude for good, getting pretty involved in politics.

 

I am the polar opposite. I almost never offer criticism. I might make a suggestion for something I see as a safety concern, but otherwise, eh, live and let live, different strokes for different folks, etc. MIL takes this lack of commentary as a sign that I don't care. I care about her as a person, but I do not care at all about how she boils her water, or whatever, as long as she isn't endangering anyone.

I'm more of a live and let live. This person is upbeat and happy just always overthinking of ways to make things better. I'm ok with just ok.

[4everHis]

I define it as cruel.

I think it misses curel only because if you're around this person very long at all you realize there isn't a mean bone in their body. Insecure maybe but not mean. It took me a while to realize this.

[4everHis]

Perfectionist?

 

I think a helpful suggestion vs. what seems to be a nitpicky criticism boils down to motivation. And the person may not recognize a motivation behind the comments; he's just a natural perfectionist. So I might try to explain the difference between comments that are truly helpful vs. those seem simply to show off how much smarter/wiser/better he is.

 

Helpful suggestions are typically solicited. (Did I ask for your opinion?)

Helpful suggestions can be implemented. (I'm not ripping up the tile floor.)

You're willing to help make the change you're suggesting. (You offer to make dinner "the right way" next time).

I feel like you hit the nail on the head with the bolded. These are EXCELLENT suggestions! 

[4everHis]

Uh, that might be considered mean. Considering it's done all the time and from the sounds of it, not appreciated feedback??

I've tried to explain how it could come across as mean even if that isn't the intent. Person is definitely growing in knowledge of when it's ok to NOT say something. 

[4everHis]

With a lot of the people I've met like this, it seems to be more of a habit than anything else - a habit of thinking and conversing in a particular way.  A lot of times I suspect it's something they got from a parent or family culture.  What I've found is that often the person is surprised that others perceive the critique in such a negative way, or in a personal way.

THIS! I think this is why it's been so hard to get through to them that not everyone perceives it as negative.

[4everHis]

Look up the personality type ISTJ. This is a good start: https://www.16personalities.com/istj-strengths-and-weaknesses

 

I don't think it's cruel; sometimes it truly is a personality trait. I suspect this is the case because the person you describe is most critical of him/herself. 

Off to read more about this. This was the kind of thing I was wondering when I originally posted.

[4everHis]

It doesn't matter if they think they would enjoy it. You don't. So they need to stop with you. 

Definitely getting better with me because I call them on it but I see it happening to others who don't know it's ok to call them on it. It tends to run people off. =(

[Guest]

They aren't really building anyone up. Example: Meal set in front of them. Smell it, poke it, lick it. Then say, "This is good but if it had a little more salt, was cooked 2 min less/more, etc." Someone does bathroom tile for them you might get, "Did you notice these tiles are 1/32 of an inch off right here?" No matter what is done task, play, mundane to important, this person points out how it could have been better, faster, more perfect.

We call that having a critical, ungracious spirit. Or persnickety.

[gardenmom5]

OK. This is a specific I should have mentioned. Person is definitely engineer. And I absolutely could make them nutso with the map thing!

 

yeah.  I've got engineers in my family.  only one is that obnoxious.  so obnoxious - his adult dd refuses to speak to him.  well . . . I have very little contact him (and only because I feel obligated on behalf of my mother),   my older kids can't stand him.   he's completely and utterly clueless and thinks he knows everything.   he loves to tell everyone how to do everything - I'm so sorry I was not there to witness his telling our neice's husband about the benefits of majoring in math . . . . neice's dh was working on his doc in math, and thought he had someone who knew as much and was as excited about math as him. so- that's the level of mathese he started talking. :smilielol5:   let's just say, this engineer was waaaaay out of his league.

however, he's also  narcissistic and totally unteachable - which is why so few people in the family want anything to do with him.

 

if you think he's teachable - I would offer to 'critique' him . . . .maybe that  would get his attention.  or it could get him excited and he'll point out even more. .. .

in any case, I wouldn't beat around the bush - but be more direct, with abstract explanations.  they're more likely to be understood.  don't mention feelings.

my son is an engineering student - but he knows when to keep his mouth shut.  and yes, the smallest imperfection makes him nuts because he can 'see it'.   I have a theresa wenztler cross-stitch project  http://www.twdesignworks.com/Designs/ecs_l.html

there is one small section where I was off by one stitch.  I discovered it late enough I was not willing to rip it out.  no one else can even find it. but I know it's there.  I can see the same types of imperfections as an engineer.  yes, it bugs me.  yes, I used to have a PHYSICAL reaction to those types of imperfections.  that stemmed from my aspergers.

 

there are more important things in life and the engineer in your life needs to learn that.  but if the engineer is also an aspie - that would be a big part of it and it requires a different approach in how to overcome it.

[4everHis]

yeah.  I've got engineers in my family.  only one is that obnoxious.  so obnoxious - his adult dd refuses to speak to him.  well . . . I have very little contact him (and only because I feel obligated on behalf of my mother),   my older kids can't stand him.   he's completely and utterly clueless and thinks he knows everything.   he loves to tell everyone how to do everything - I'm so sorry I was not there to witness his telling our neice's husband about the benefits of majoring in math . . . . neice's dh was working on his doc in math, and thought he had someone who knew as much and was as excited about math as him. so- that's the level of mathese he started talking. :smilielol5:   let's just say, this engineer was waaaaay out of his league.

however, he's also  narcissistic and totally unteachable - which is why so few people in the family want anything to do with him.

 

if you think he's teachable - I would offer to 'critique' him . . . .maybe that  would get his attention.  or it could get him excited and he'll point out even more. .. .

in any case, I wouldn't beat around the bush - but be more direct, with abstract explanations.  they're more likely to be understood.  don't mention feelings.

my son is an engineering student - but he knows when to keep his mouth shut.  and yes, the smallest imperfection makes him nuts because he can 'see it'.   I have a theresa wenztler cross-stitch project  http://www.twdesignworks.com/Designs/ecs_l.html

there is one small section where I was off by one stitch.  I discovered it late enough I was not willing to rip it out.  no one else can even find it. but I know it's there.  I can see the same types of imperfections as an engineer.  yes, it bugs me.  yes, I used to have a PHYSICAL reaction to those types of imperfections.  that stemmed from my aspergers.

 

there are more important things in life and the engineer in your life needs to learn that.  but if the engineer is also an aspie - that would be a big part of it and it requires a different approach in how to overcome it.

Thankfully this person CAN be less than obnoxious and I don't think aspie fits.  So I also wouldn't be thought of as truly mean to have prayed for this person to meet up with the person who truly knows MORE! LOL!

[MotherGoose]

My mother always said that if I couldn't say anything nice, to not say anything at all. That rule has served me well. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule, especially as a parent and a spouse. (I.e, if your spouse burns dinner and asks how it is, you don't lie or ignore the question; if child is lazily missing half the math problems, you have to criticize, or if the tile guy lays the tile obviously crooked). But following that rule would cut out most of the criticism you are talking about, which I would characterize as mostly nit-picking. Dh will make comments about my cooking sometimes, but I've pretty much trained him to either eat it or starve. I'm a good cook. I do think it's a family trait in a lot of ways though. His father in particular is very critical of our parenting. Recent example was santa bringing the kids a kickball for Christmas. They were thrilled absolutely! He said NO ONE gives their kids balls anymore and. Neither does Santa. Curiously he never says these things to me...wish he would so I could set him straight. Why would you criticize loved, age appropriate gifts that someone gives their child? This personality trait is a recipe for misery. Criticism of Other adults and also many things for children should come only when you are asked for feedback.

[poppy]

Married to an engineer.  That's not his default mode-- at least verbally-- but it's in there.

 

We've had conversations about how a judgemental approach is illogical because it does not produce the desired result. 

 

I also think it  is just very selfish.  Which is not the worst thing ever.  We all have a  mode that we resort to when we're tired and hungry and off.  It's OK. But you at your low point is not how you should treat other people all the time.

 

What really changed for us was having  a special needs kid whose personality requires endless reserves of empathy and patience.  There are many days where if you criticize her, even in a neutral way,  and she curls in a ball. Or hides.  Usually both. Finding ways to engage with her effectively was a problem........... and engineers love to solve problems.  They live for it.  Now he is often better than me at reaching her.  I think that has helped his relationships overall, too.

Edited April 11, 2017 by poppy

[4everHis]

My mother always said that if I couldn't say anything nice, to not say anything at all. That rule has served me well. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule, especially as a parent and a spouse. (I.e, if your spouse burns dinner and asks how it is, you don't lie or ignore the question; if child is lazily missing half the math problems, you have to criticize, or if the tile guy lays the tile obviously crooked). But following that rule would cut out most of the criticism you are talking about, which I would characterize as mostly nit-picking. Dh will make comments about my cooking sometimes, but I've pretty much trained him to either eat it or starve. I'm a good cook. I do think it's a family trait in a lot of ways though. His father in particular is very critical of our parenting. Recent example was santa bringing the kids a kickball for Christmas. They were thrilled absolutely! He said NO ONE gives their kids balls anymore and. Neither does Santa. Curiously he never says these things to me...wish he would so I could set him straight. Why would you criticize loved, age appropriate gifts that someone gives their child? This personality trait is a recipe for misery. Criticism of Other adults and also many things for children should come only when you are asked for feedback.

But in their minds they aren't being unkind. That is one of the things that makes it hard. I take the time to say, "If I say that was hurtful then you have to believe that I wouldn't lie about that." 

[4everHis]

Married to an engineer.  That's not his default mode-- at least verbally-- but it's in there.

 

We've had conversations about how a judgemental approach is illogical because it does not produce the desired result. 

 

I also think it  is just very selfish.  Which is not the worst thing ever.  We all have a  mode that we resort to when we're tired and hungry and off.  It's OK. But you at your low point is not how you should treat other people all the time.

 

What really changed for us was having  a special needs kid whose personality requires endless reserves of empathy and patience.  There are many days where if you criticize her, even in a neutral way,  and she curls in a ball. Or hides.  Usually both. Finding ways to engage with her effectively was a problem........... and engineers love to solve problems.  They live for it.  Now he is often better than me at reaching her.  I think that has helped his relationships overall, too.

I've worn out all the sayings, "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar." Proverbs 15: 1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but hard words stir up anger.†Proverbs 15:4 “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit†Proverbs 16:24 “Kindwords are like honey–sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.â€

Comical because this person HATES judgemental people. . .

 

It's nice to know that there is hope. Sorry that your dh's training has to be on your child. I've often had to help children around me see that this person truly thinks they're being helpful. Sometimes that doesn't matter to a child.

[myfunnybunch]

There's a difference between personality trait--striving to be better/best and noticing how things (and people) can be improved--and behavior, the actual critiquing and offering unwelcome feedback.

 

The behavior can be changed. Learning to understand others think differently and respecting their boundaries is an important interpersonal skills, as is learning how, to whom, and when it's appropriate to offer feedback.

 

The noticing and wanting to critique/correct might not go away.

[Anne in CA]

I've worn out all the sayings, "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar." Proverbs 15: 1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but hard words stir up anger.†Proverbs 15:4 “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit†Proverbs 16:24 “Kindwords are like honey–sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.â€

Comical because this person HATES judgemental people. . .

 

It's nice to know that there is hope. Sorry that your dh's training has to be on your child. I've often had to help children around me see that this person truly thinks they're being helpful. Sometimes that doesn't matter to a child.

That shouldn't have to matter to a child.

[Peaceseeker]

I work in management and I have dealt with a lot of different personality types. The person with the critical eye will often find things others will miss. It can be an asset for sure, and definitely the type of mind I want working on cancer research and designing intricate things we all use and love (especially when they work!). This type of person will generally be off putting to their co-workers and sometimes need coaching on people skills and how they come across. I am not sure how people deal with them in the home. If I was married to a person like this I would possibly lose my mind.

 

However there are strengths in it, if they can be put to good use. So if I lived with this person I think I would have to put them in charge of many things (because naturally they will do it so much better than I do). They should definitely be in charge of cleaning the floors, the bathrooms and the dishes. I would hate to miss a spot. And probably after a comment like that, all the cooking. 😀. Actually, now I am seeing the advantages of this situation, lol...

[KungFuPanda]

Sounds like a socially inept nitpicker to me. A Debbie Downer (Have they seen those clips?). It IS mean to criticize incessantly and they get no points for lacking empathy. It sounds like the person is (or is becoming) an asshole and the OP is their apologist.

[SKL]

When I was a teen, I would criticize anything, especially if someone else praised it.  I later came to realize that this was a symptom of my own insecurity as to whether I was "good enough."  If someone else was better at something, I must not be good enough.  Unfortunately I did not learn to feel "good enough" until I was about 30.  I might have been an unusual case though.

[SKL]

A suggestion would be to challenge the young person to think of something nice to say about the thing she is criticizing.  Or two nice things for each negative.  I would remind her that positive speech is a lot more attractive to potential friends than negative speech.

[4everHis]

I work in management and I have dealt with a lot of different personality types. The person with the critical eye will often find things others will miss. It can be an asset for sure, and definitely the type of mind I want working on cancer research and designing intricate things we all use and love (especially when they work!). This type of person will generally be off putting to their co-workers and sometimes need coaching on people skills and how they come across. I am not sure how people deal with them in the home. If I was married to a person like this I would possibly lose my mind.

 

However there are strengths in it, if they can be put to good use. So if I lived with this person I think I would have to put them in charge of many things (because naturally they will do it so much better than I do). They should definitely be in charge of cleaning the floors, the bathrooms and the dishes. I would hate to miss a spot. And probably after a comment like that, all the cooking. 😀. Actually, now I am seeing the advantages of this situation, lol...

This person excels at their job and the main reason given is their attention to detail. EVERY detail. Definitely a strength. There are quite a few things that have been addressed with the "If you have time to tell me how to do this better you have time to do it." For those things the critiquing has stopped and/or lessened. I guess my main question, though I've appreciated all suggestions and thoughts, was is this a definable personality. 

[4everHis]

When I was a teen, I would criticize anything, especially if someone else praised it.  I later came to realize that this was a symptom of my own insecurity as to whether I was "good enough."  If someone else was better at something, I must not be good enough.  Unfortunately I did not learn to feel "good enough" until I was about 30.  I might have been an unusual case though.

I think this is a part of it too. This and possibly if they are hard enough on themselves no one else can be hard on them.

[4everHis]

There's a difference between personality trait--striving to be better/best and noticing how things (and people) can be improved--and behavior, the actual critiquing and offering unwelcome feedback.

 

The behavior can be changed. Learning to understand others think differently and respecting their boundaries is an important interpersonal skills, as is learning how, to whom, and when it's appropriate to offer feedback.

 

The noticing and wanting to critique/correct might not go away.

This is what I need to concentrate on reminding them. Good words.