Spinoff of spinoff - Is it tacky to host a regular party and ask people to bring food?

[Bambam]

So, the charging for birthday parties post made me think ...

 

Is is tacky to host a regular teen (or any age I guess) party and ask people to bring a food item?

 

I've regularly had teen parties in my home where I furnish the main dish (tacos, chili, sandwiches, chicken tetrazzini,  etc) and plates, napkins, cups, silverware - but publish a signupgenius list of food for others to sign up to bring (lettuce, cheese, sour cream, chips, drinks, dessert, etc).

 

So, have I been tacky in this? 

[RebeccaS]

Speaking for myself, I'd not bat an eye at that request especially if you were regularly doing this for my teens.  The culture of my group of friends is such that we often do things like this for events like you're talking about. 

[fairfarmhand]

Not around here. Most people expect to bring something. Especially if it's a socializing thing like just to get together.

 

 

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[LuvToRead]

I don't think so.  If I am a hosting a party where guests are expected to bring a gift, then I provide everything.  If I decided to have a 4th of July picnic, then I would provide the meat, drinks, and paper goods, but I would have no problem asking invitees to bring a side or dessert.  Our house is pretty small, so I don't host many parties, but we get invited to several throughout the year, and it is normal to bring a side dish.

[Bluegoat]

Not necessarily.  I'd consider that a pot-luck, and often that's totally appropriate.  Sometimes it would seem inappropriate, but I'm having a hard time making a simple definition of when that would be.

[FriedClams]

I have two teens. We always ask "what we can bring?". I wouldn't bat an eye.

[FaithManor]

The culture around here is that for an informal get together with people you know well, you make the offer, "What can I bring?" Or "What can I do to help?" And then the hostess can take someone up on their offer. As a general rule for formal parties with special invitations and such, one would ask if one is close with the invited family, but would be rude to ask of mere acquaintances. So if you invite an entire class to a birthday party, dear Aunt Rose and best friend Giselle can be asked to help out a little if they offer, but not the moms and dads you do not have in your inner circle.

 

My rule of thumb is to not invite more than I can afford to feed or decorate for and then just ask personal friends if they can help me get the decorations out out or the food served.

 

The exception is 4H. Normally we do not have food at our meetings. But the rocket team meets on Saturdays for five hours so lunch needs to happen. I am a volunteer putting in 20 hrs. a week and hundreds of dollars of my own money to lead this team. I am not also feeding them. The parents have been great about planning the meals, bringing it,and taking turns with kitchen duty and clean up. But these are serious engineering meetings..I've a work situation, not a party or social gathering.

 

I am really not a fan of people wanting to plan more party than they can afford to host, then charging guests. I would not choose to attend such a party. It is off putting. If one cannot afford the bridal shower, have tea and homemade scones, no decorations, and dollar store paper plates and napkins. Do not charge the guests to attend! That is so crass.

Edited February 24, 2017 by FaithManor

[Dmmetler]

I host group homeschool stuff about once a week. Things like prep groups for exams or clubs on a specific topic. Some have party features, like a Valentine's exchange in Feb or an Egg hunt near Easter. If parents didn't provide food, drinks, etc-well, the kids would get popcorn and water, because that's what my budget can afford for 10 or so extra kids a week. 

 

 

 

[Joules]

Not rude at all. We do pot-lucks and they work really well, particularly with people who have dietary issues and need to bring their own anyway. I do think it's right to let people know at the outset, rather than inviting them to a "party" and then follow-up with a food request. I also prefer to be relaxed rather than proscriptive about what people bring...no one will die if the sides aren't matched or there is too much of one thing.

[zoobie]

Offering to host a group potluck gathering is fine. If it's a birthday party or something specifically for your child/spouse/person (graduation), it's tacky.

[Guest]

In this situation, I wouldn't publish a signup list of things to bring, merely say that the host is providing x,y,z and people are welcome to bring anything else they would like to contribute.

 

In general, I agree with several others, if gifts are expected, the guests are guests, not hosts or potluckers.

 

 

Also, in laws are family, it goes both ways. Don't be having parties for blood relatives, where the dils are pressed into service,and then ignore the dils on their occassion. Crassest thing I have seen is a dil whose last remaining relative died, then the inlaws refused to treat her as they did their own, with food during the mourning period and a light meal after the burial...and that after she had worked and catered their family events and occassions for decades.

[Scarlett]

No that is not tacky and not the same thing as inviting someone to a party where a gift is expected and then asking them to provide cash to pay for said party.

[OneStepAtATime]

Not an issue at all here.

 

 

 

 

[Reefgazer]

I would never ask anyone to bring something, but if someone asks what they can bring, I would gratefully accept.  So yes, I think asking your guests to kick in to fund your party is not acceptable.  OTOH, making the party a potluck, if it's stated up front, is acceptable.

Edited February 24, 2017 by reefgazer

[Annie G]

Your scenario is different because the party isn't being thrown to honor someone. If it's just a get together, it seems ok to ask guests to bring something. I mean, when we attend a dinner party we always bring a hostess gift, so in a way we are contributing. Maybe not to the party itself but to the hosts. 

 

 

[catz]

For a casual get together, I think potlucks are great. For an event where someone might typically choose to bring a gift? Less awesome, but might depend on relationship and context and local culture. Like I know church groups that do potluck showers, but everyone knows the expectation ahead of time.

[catz]

Dp

Edited February 24, 2017 by WoolySocks

[kewb]

Casual get together -potluck is fine.  Everyone always asks what they can bring and what they can do to help.

You are inviting me to a birthday party -I don't expect to pay my way with food.

[Teacher Mom]

I don't hold potlucks because someone invited always forgets their food item. I entertain one to two times monthly - a full sit down dinner for up to 8 people (casual and formal). I also hate when other people have potlucks because I am the one that always gets the call "Can you bring just one more item?" where one more item ends up being dessert, salad, wine, and a centerpiece.

 

I once went to a military pot luck where the hostess provided her home and nothing else. The lesser ranked officers and their wives provided everything from the appetizers to the dessert. It wasn't a party; it was using guests as a catering service.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I like to cook so I wouldn't mind the request at all.

 

 

[Bluegoat]

I don't think it's necessarily off for a birthday.  For a mainly family event, or with a particular group of friends, it might be fine.  "We're getting together to celebrate John's bitrgday, it's potluck."  For events like that it really seems like the host is a contributor for a group events, it just happens that they are contributing space and cleaning, napkis, and such.  But, if I invited outsiders to an event like that, I would likely not ask them to bring anything.

[Bluegoat]

I don't hold potlucks because someone invited always forgets their food item. I entertain one to two times monthly - a full sit down dinner for up to 8 people (casual and formal). I also hate when other people have potlucks because I am the one that always gets the call "Can you bring just one more item?" where one more item ends up being dessert, salad, wine, and a centerpiece.

 

I once went to a military pot luck where the hostess provided her home and nothing else. The lesser ranked officers and their wives provided everything from the appetizers to the dessert. It wasn't a party; it was using guests as a catering service.

 

I find military parties are often a little different in their expectations.

 

I've never been at apotluck where there was a need to ask for extra - if anything, there is usually too much food, even if a few people don't bring anything. 

[Guest]

I just can't get over the fact that people have to be asked to bring stuff.  No matter what kind of party it is (birthday, formal, potluck, etc), in my circle, if you are coming, you offer to bring stuff.  You don't wait to be asked.

[marbel]

I think it depends on your community/culture.  

 

Most gatherings here are semi-pot-luck style:  the host invites, but asks people to bring some part of the meal.  It is rare that I get invited to something without being asked to contribute in some way.  The exception would be parties "in honor of" something - like showers, birthday parties, etc.    Though there have been times I've been specifically asked to bring something to a shower, usually these are church-related events where they depend on some people to help out.  

 

The type of event described in the OP seems like it lends itself to having people bring stuff.   For teens, I think a sign-up sheet might be helpful. A few people I know have used sign-up genius (I think that's the name) to make planning events easier.   

 

I'll admit I do sometimes get tired of almost never getting to just go out to someone's house without having to prepare and bring food.  I also enjoy hosting people and not having anyone bring something. It can be hard to get people to accept that they don't need to bring anything, though.  Wine and chocolate are always welcome at my house, if people feel they can't come empty-handed.   

 

[regentrude]

No, it is not tacky to host a potluck party. 

 

It depends on the culture of your circle what is expected. I throw regular after dinner receptions for our department where nobody brings anything, sit down dinner parties where everybody asks what they can bring or just bring wine, and large parties twice a year where most people contribute a food or drink item.

Occasionally, I host a large gathering where I phrase the invitation to make it clear that this is a potluck and I am providing the space and basics.

Edited February 24, 2017 by regentrude

[Bambam]

Let me be clear - this isn't a party honoring anyone or anything like that. This is just a chance for the teens to get together and hang out. I seem to be the only one willing to host any get-together for the teens. 

 

It seems that perhaps my over-planning self with providing a list to sign up what to bring may be the pushing-it-over-into-possibly-tacky-area for some, so I will have to rethink that.

 

Thanks for the input! 

[regentrude]

Let me be clear - this isn't a party honoring anyone or anything like that. This is just a chance for the teens to get together and hang out. I seem to be the only one willing to host any get-together for the teens. 

 

It seems that perhaps my over-planning self with providing a list to sign up what to bring may be the pushing-it-over-into-possibly-tacky-area for some, so I will have to rethink that.

 

I would not do a signup list - too official, and weird. (Asking for very specific items is almost the same as asking for a monetary contribution which would be much more efficient since then I could do all the shopping myself.)

 

I would let my kids know that I am willing to host but that everybody needs to contribute some food. And if there are tons of chips and brownies and no fruit - so be it. The will have a great time anyway.

Edited February 24, 2017 by regentrude

[redsquirrel]

I think it's fine.  I always let people know that if they can't bring something, for whatever reason, they are still absolutely 100% welcome. I say explicitly that what is important to me is their company, not their contribution.

[Bluegoat]

Let me be clear - this isn't a party honoring anyone or anything like that. This is just a chance for the teens to get together and hang out. I seem to be the only one willing to host any get-together for the teens. 

 

It seems that perhaps my over-planning self with providing a list to sign up what to bring may be the pushing-it-over-into-possibly-tacky-area for some, so I will have to rethink that.

 

Thanks for the input! 

 

What I would do is tell the kids that they can use your home, but it is the group's party, and they should make all the other arangements themselves.

[Guest]

Not rude. Our crowd likes to bring something. Given that Prrrrroper Etiquette would be for the host to host, and guests to bring a small hostess gift, it's sort of a problem solver for both parties to have guests bring a little something to share.

[LucyStoner]

Potlucks are fine for the gathering you describe.

 

Also, while we don't do potlucks for birthdays, weddings or graduation parties or whatever, anyone who would care more about judging such an event set up as a potluck as tacky than they do about their friendship with the couple, birthday peep or grad is probably not someone who belongs at that birthday, wedding or graduation.

Edited February 24, 2017 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

Here, if it's not a potluck, people are going to bring stuff anyways. I have so many bottles of cider and wine I'd hold a party to use them all up...but they would only bring more. 😂

[regentrude]

Here, if it's not a potluck, people are going to bring stuff anyways. I have so many bottles of cider and wine I'd hold a party to use them all up...but they would only bring more. 😂

 

A friend of mine hosted a party recently, and the proclaimed goal was to finish the donated bottles that had accumulated over the holidays. She put in the invitation that people under no circumstances might bring food and drink contributions.

[Anne in CA]

I don't think it's tacky at all to ask people to bring food. But everyone I know would ask what they could bring first.

[Alicia64]

I actually love bringing food to parties.

 

Alley

[solascriptura]

Call it a potluck not just a dinner party or whatever. Dilemma solved.

[Rachel]

Let me be clear - this isn't a party honoring anyone or anything like that. This is just a chance for the teens to get together and hang out. I seem to be the only one willing to host any get-together for the teens.

 

It seems that perhaps my over-planning self with providing a list to sign up what to bring may be the pushing-it-over-into-possibly-tacky-area for some, so I will have to rethink that.

 

Thanks for the input!

It's perfectly fine to ask the kids to bring food, don't do a sign up. You could make a suggestion like,"I'll have sandwiches,bring something to go with that" or whatever. Then don't stress if there are 8 bags of chips and no drinks. The group will learn how to work it out.

[Guest]

Here, if it's not a potluck, people are going to bring stuff anyways. I have so many bottles of cider and wine I'd hold a party to use them all up...but they would only bring more. 😂

Totally true for me too! My cabinet is full of bottles of wine (plus one champagne bottle) accummulated from people bringing them when we held a party.

 

At Christmas time, my nephew's then-fiancé (now wife) brought a winter flower arrangement (she works at a greenhouse) and a box of chocolates for me as the host. I thought that was so classy. I think the younger generation is sometimes unsure where they fit into the potluck aspect for a big holiday dinner. This was the perfect way of showing gratitude and not being a mooch 😠without adding to an already-generous roster of food.

[nevergiveup]

If I am hosting a party I expect to foot the bill for all the expenses and provide all the food, etc.--I would never dream of asking someone to bring anything.

If someone asks if they should bring something and I want the help, I would then graciously accept and indicate what they could bring.

[Scarlett]

I just had a friend who is throwing a shower for a young motherless friend of ours...she asked me if I would handle the punch. I didn't even hesitate and it never occurred to me it would be tacky to some. We just do what we can to be helpful.

[kitten18]

Other than a birthday party, I don't think I have ever gone to a party at someone's house and not taken food.