bettyandbob Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) she is in her first year at a large university. She is very introverted. She finally found some small groups in which she was comfortable socializing. One group is a club and the four friends she's made there are all male. The other group is people in her dorm male and female. It took longer for her to feel comfortable around the dorm group. One problem is a lack of female friends. She didn't make it in the housing lottery so she has to move off campus and has not found females with which to share an apartment. Over time she'll find something, but the situation was bringing her down because it made her feel like no one liked her. We are considering whether living with her club friends (all male) would work. More recently she perked up. One person in the dorm group lives Florida and offered to drive 4 others home with him for spring break. His family is connected to one of the theme parks and he could get tickets for everyone. So for the cost of gas and food those who go will have a fun spring break. dd was included. dd was excited about going and more importantly excited to be included in the group. dd felt like she was starting to have a group of friends. Today, another girl on the hall announced she had decided to go too. Since the car was full someone would have to move out of the car to make room. dd was asked to find her own way to Florida. someone suggested a round about way she could get there. But really the point just emphasized dd was just second class and didn't belong with the group. I wish I could plan something special when dd comes home for spring break. She will not have anyone to visit here. I've been sick and missed too many days of work. Out of the whole 9 days I will only have one day off and I can't change that. I'm going to ask my MIL to come and take her out one day. I think being home may make her feel even more lonely. Edited February 23, 2017 by Diana P. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Oh, I'm so sorry. Now my heart is hurting for your Dd. My college kid isn't even coming home for Spring break. She would rather stay at school and do homework. We got lucky because she was able to share a house with a family friend who she gets along really well with. She would not have done well in a dorm. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Oh Diana, I am so sorry for your dd. :crying: Her feelings must be so hurt. :( 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UCF612 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Oh man that is rough. Poor thing. I hope she connects with some real friends soon. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I am sorry for your DD. But I want to encourage her: sometimes it just takes longer to find friends. Sending good thoughts for her. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Having all male friends wouldn't have bothered me. I've never really been able to connect with females, I've literally had one close female friend in my entire life. But being invited, accepted and then essentially uninvited (which is how I would interpret the find your own way situation) is just awful. How very rude of her "friends". Hope she is able to find a group to connect with soon. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I'm sorry, too. That is so hard and hurtful. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 That's really hurtful! I hope she finds "her people" soon. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Those "friends" suck. I hope she meets some life long friends over spring break. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Oh man, that is horrible. :( Poor DD. :grouphug: I'm curious if the inviter was also the dis-inviter, or if this other girl asked your DD to leave the car. If I were DD, I'd make sure the un-invite was actually from the driver/organizer because it *could* be queen-bee drama, and as a male, he might be oblivious to it. The one who decided today should be the one told "sorry, car is full you have to find your own way." But, this is the hard part, DD would have to confront the driver for clarity, and that would be tough if she's not confident. But the pay-off is big either way. She either gets to go on the vacation, or she learns who her true friends are. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaBearTeacher Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I hope she finds good friends soon but she's lucky to have a mom who cares about her feelings so much. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 Oh man, that is horrible. :( Poor DD. :grouphug: I'm curious if the inviter was also the dis-inviter, or if this other girl asked your DD to leave the car. If I were DD, I'd make sure the un-invite was actually from the driver/organizer because it *could* be queen-bee drama, and as a male, he might be oblivious to it. The one who decided today should be the one told "sorry, car is full you have to find your own way." But, this is the hard part, DD would have to confront the driver for clarity, and that would be tough if she's not confident. But the pay-off is big either way. She either gets to go on the vacation, or she learns who her true friends are. I don't believe dd has the confidence to ask for such clarification. It took a lot for her to feel comfortable and feel like she was a part of the social group in the dorm in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 A friend wrote this article: please share it with your daughter. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/09/22/how-to-help-your-college-student-cope-with-loneliness-without-hovering/?utm_term=.dec8596d9901 It's a great article on loneliness in college. Please tell your daughter that's she's so normal. And what those kids did was horrible. Alley 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) :grouphug: :crying: I was able to go to Florida with my roommate for Spring Break one year, including a free day at Disney. I would have been heartbroken if I had been looking forward to it and then it was taken away. (And I tended to be more of a loner with mostly male friends.) I am so sorry that your dd is going through this. I think that you need to come up with a way to keep her busy so that she doesn't mope for a whole week. Even if it's things like making dinner or whatever. If she has a hobby you could maybe get her something new to do (crafts?). Are there any movies that she would like to see? Maybe you could go out for dessert and/or coffee? Edited February 23, 2017 by Junie 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) I don't believe dd has the confidence to ask for such clarification. It took a lot for her to feel comfortable and feel like she was a part of the social group in the dorm in the first place.:( I have an introvert, so I get it. I'm such a "bull in a china shop" when it comes to being direct about communicating clearly, so it's hard to let go and watch when my introvert "gets walked on". I'd just really hate for your DD to feel badly all week just to get back to school and be asked "why you changed your mind about coming, it was such a fun time, we had a blast, you should've came, blah, blah, blah". If I were her Mom, I would encourage her to at least contact the driver to clarify his knowledge of what is supposedly happening. "Hey Driverfriend, so and so said there's no room for me now, is that true? I need to know if I'm planning for Florida or Mom's house for break." Heck, in this day, she needn't even speak with him, she can send a text message. Edited February 23, 2017 by fraidycat 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Diana, I know you have to work during your dd's Spring break, but is there any way you could invite her to meet you for lunch a few days a week, or plan to do something fun together in the evenings, even if it's just walking around the mall or going out for coffee? At least those things would give her something to look forward to, and might make her days less lonely. I also like Junie's suggestion of getting her some craft stuff or something else that would keep her busy during the day like some magazines or books. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewber Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I am really sad for your daughter. That's rough. I also would try to get her to send a text like fraidycat's just to make things clear. I'm a huge introvert, but if I typed it several times I think I could eventually hit send:) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I'm bummed for her, too. That stinks. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 That's rotten what the kids did to her. I would say "good riddance" to them and would not want my daughter riding in the same car. I would also move heaven and earth to make sure she had a good time at home over spring break. Does she have friends to hang out with at home? You could provide movie tickets, gift cards for eating out, etc. Plus during the time you don't work you can have all kinds of fun things planned - game nights, craft or cooking projects, watching old movies, etc. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 If I were her Mom, I would encourage her to at least contact the driver to clarify his knowledge of what is supposedly happening. "Hey Driverfriend, so and so said there's no room for me now, is that true? I need to know if I'm planning for Florida or Mom's house for break." Heck, in this day, she needn't even speak with him, she can send a text message. dd is not a big phone talker and I've been getting all this via text. So, I called and asked who told her to move out of the car. It was a couple people including the driver. They were together this afternoon. It was the driver who came up with the round about route of getting a ride to another sort of near location and waiting for someone to pick her up there (kind of sketchy and unclear). Not fun, but there's a possibility she can do office work for someone during break. She's going to contact that person. She will also contact someone for an interview for a summer job to which she submitted an online application. In the evenings she may drop by her old dance studio. I hope she gets to work. I think the remainder of the semester walking by these people in the hall will be awkward. They will likely play it as "why didn't you come?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Aw, that's too bad. I'm pissed at those kids on your DD's behalf. :( :grouphug: to her. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Ouch. That's horrible! I'm so sorry your DD is going through this. I can't think of any wise words re: the pain of spring break, and being uninvited. At all. But I did want to say that I lived off campus during school, and most of the roommates I had over the years ended up being male. Platonic. They were all great roommates and friends. So even if there's not a girl group out there for her right away, maybe there's a guy group, if not this one, that will fill the void. I hope you can find some fun together for her spring break! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 dd is not a big phone talker and I've been getting all this via text. So, I called and asked who told her to move out of the car. It was a couple people including the driver. They were together this afternoon. It was the driver who came up with the round about route of getting a ride to another sort of near location and waiting for someone to pick her up there (kind of sketchy and unclear). Not fun, but there's a possibility she can do office work for someone during break. She's going to contact that person. She will also contact someone for an interview for a summer job to which she submitted an online application. In the evenings she may drop by her old dance studio. I hope she gets to work. I think the remainder of the semester walking by these people in the hall will be awkward. They will likely play it as "why didn't you come?" I think the best thing she can do when she walks by them in the hall is to smile and say hi, and tell them she hopes they had as much fun on spring break as she did. If they ask why she didn't go to Florida, she can say she's sorry she bailed out on the trip but she found out that a few of her old friends would be at home for spring break and she didn't want to miss out on seeing them. She doesn't have to make up a big, dramatic story, but she should definitely make it seem like she had a great time on break and is glad she didn't miss out on the fun at home by going to Florida. She should hold her head high and not let them know they hurt her feelings. They don't deserve a nice friend like your dd! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodGrief Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I am furious at those "friends" on her behalf. The driver probably has a crush on the latecomer girl. This is probably breaking your heart too. Freshman year can really stink. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) I'm so sorry. Friends who do that aren't the type of long-term friends she would want. I agree with above poster that one of the boys in the group probably has a crush on the other girl! I wanted to encourage you though, because my dd is very much like her. She is an extreme introvert. To the point where literally her only friends in college, after two years, are her three roommates. I don't even know how that's possible! Don't you talk to the student next to you in class, for example? Or get to know your dorm neighbors? It is baffling to me, but I know we are two different people. What I've tried to do is to not make a big deal of it with her. I acknowledge her feelings and the ridiculousness/lack of maturity in some of her peers, but then laugh it off and shrug and assure her that things will work out. Two of my dd's roommates are graduating, and only one of them is staying. So, the two of them were planning to room together next year, and my dd was so happy she had at least one friend remaining. As my dd was researching the dorms and campus apartments and signing them up to go on dorm tours, the remaining roommate actually signed up to live with three other girls! My dd was so puzzled and felt so badly! But this roommate is kind of flighty, and it actually didn't surprise me at all. I know it really wasn't about avoiding my dd, it was about the other girl lacking maturity and being kind of selfish and rushing into something that all of a sudden sounded fun without really thinking at all about how others would be affected. I did assure my dd that that's what it was about, and then encouraged her to move on. I suggested she sign up for a room anyway, with someone else who didn't have a roommate, which she was dreading but did. (What else was she to do?) Well she called me that afternoon to say that they actually put her with a really sweet girl who sits next to her in a class. So, she felt very good about that! I think life is hard enough for extreme introverts, but by helping her move past it and look ahead with a positive spirit, I believe good things will keep happening in her life and will hopefully build her confidence over time. And yes, I'd plan something for spring break if you could! A day with Grandma, or maybe the two of you could stay overnight at a hotel on the weekend or something fun like that. Make her feel special! Which she is. :) Edited February 23, 2017 by J-rap 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38carrots Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Some friends! I'm so very sorry. For an introvert, though--she might enjoy her spring break working much more than having that kind of "fun." I hope she finds her niche soon. Hugs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Ugh that stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I'm sorry, too. That is so hard and hurtful. :( People can be so mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 I'm so sorry. Friends who do that aren't the type of long-term friends she would want. I agree with above poster that one of the boys in the group probably has a crush on the other girl! I wanted to encourage you though, because my dd is very much like her. She is an extreme introvert. To the point where literally her only friends in college, after two years, are her three roommates. I don't even know how that's possible! Don't you talk to the student next to you in class, for example? Or get to know your dorm neighbors? It is baffling to me, but I know we are two different people. What I've tried to do is to not make a big deal of it with her. I acknowledge her feelings and the ridiculousness/lack of maturity in some of her peers, but then laugh it off and shrug and assure her that things will work out. Two of my dd's roommates are graduating, and only one of them is staying. So, the two of them were planning to room together next year, and my dd was so happy she had at least one friend remaining. As my dd was researching the dorms and campus apartments and signing them up to go on dorm tours, the remaining roommate actually signed up to live with three other girls! My dd was so puzzled and felt so badly! But this roommate is kind of flighty, and it actually didn't surprise me at all. I know it really wasn't about avoiding my dd, it was about the other girl lacking maturity and being kind of selfish and rushing into something that all of a sudden sounded fun without really thinking at all about how others would be affected. I did assure my dd that that's what it was about, and then encouraged her to move on. I suggested she sign up for a room anyway, with someone else who didn't have a roommate, which she was dreading but did. (What else was she to do?) Well she called me that afternoon to say that they actually put her with a really sweet girl who sits next to her in a class. So, she felt very good about that! I think life is hard enough for extreme introverts, but by helping her move past it and look ahead with a positive spirit, I believe good things will keep happening in her life and will hopefully build her confidence over time. And yes, I'd plan something for spring break if you could! A day with Grandma, or maybe the two of you could stay overnight at a hotel on the weekend or something fun like that. Make her feel special! Which she is. :) I pushed dd to join something at school. During the summer we looked at the list of hundreds of clubs. At move in I took the time to look up a posting of campus happenings and pointed out a couple clubs that already had meetings scheduled and the date of the big club fair. She did find a club that interested her. She went to several meetings before she got to know anyone. She's happy with that group. I'm glad I pushed her to do that. It looks like those four guys are going to be her friends next year, not the people from her dorm. Her room mate is nice, but stays on campus very little. Her home is less than 10 miles away. She stayed at school one weekend last fall. dd hasn't gotten to know her. I'm sorry to here about you dd's experience. I'm glad she got paired with someone she knew. I hope it all works well next year. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Oh, that is HORRIBLE! How awful. I am upset for her. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I have been thinking about this and I still feel so sad for your dd, but maybe it's better that those other kids showed their true colors before the trip. What if she had gone with them and they abandoned her in Florida? They don't exactly sound like stand-up friends who would be there for your dd if she happened to get sick or if someone tried to hurt her. I feel terrible that they were so inconsiderate, but in the long run, it's better to know what kind of people they really are. Flighty "friends" aren't the kind your dd wants, particularly on an out-of-state trip where she won't have her own transportation. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I have been thinking about this and I still feel so sad for your dd, but maybe it's better that those other kids showed their true colors before the trip. What if she had gone with them and they abandoned her in Florida? They don't exactly sound like stand-up friends who would be there for your dd if she happened to get sick or if someone tried to hurt her. I feel terrible that they were so inconsiderate, but in the long run, it's better to know what kind of people they really are. Flighty "friends" aren't the kind your dd wants, particularly on an out-of-state trip where she won't have her own transportation. Catwoman is right. It is much better to know these people are not friends before the trip. It still tears at my heart knowing how your dd was treated though. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Oh, hugs to you! Its so hard as a mama to see your child sad! I am sure you have received all good recommendations. The more she can get involved at school the more diverse friends she will find. Hugs to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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