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UPDATE post 118 Help me make hospital and NICU as good as possible


happypamama
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We are hanging in there.  One minute I'm okay, and the next I'm sobbing.  A lot changed for me with his death, and I am very confused at why it had to be this way.  I have the best husband in the world; he doesn't try to fix anything but just loves on me when I'm crying.  

 

My parents will be around for at least another week or two.  DH needs to head back to the office, so my parents will be here as I transition back to fulltime mom-hood.  My other children are largely doing okay.  Even the 3yo understands, mostly.

 

We received the link from the hospital photographer to his photos, and they're really beautiful.  In black and white, especially, you can't see some of the color changes to his skin (from adhesive from his breathing tube and from some edema in his abdomen); you just see his wrinkly little baby feet and fuzzy little face.  He's so beautiful, and I'm so glad I have those photos forever.

 

I'm in contact with one of the milk banks.  I've got over 100 ounces, I think, all collected and stored according to guidelines for my son, who was, according to the attending, the sickest baby they had at the time.  I'd really, really like to donate his milk to help other preemies; I've got a lot frozen in 10-20 mL increments, so it would be ideal for another tiny baby.  If you're so inclined, please pray that the blood pressure meds and whatever else they gave me in the hospital will not preclude donation, since I'm an extremely clean and low-risk donor otherwise.  I don't think I can handle throwing it all out.

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I'm sorry sweetie, the milk bank wouldn't take any of mine because of the blood pressure meds and painkillers, at least for the Colorado milk bank. They said the blood pressure medication (a simple beta blocker) could cause issues in preemies who already have low blood pressure. I was SO disappointed :(

 

The guidelines may differ by milk bank though so make sure to call and check.

 

We are still praying for you - how wonderful that the pictures turned out and you have them forever! It's nowhere near good enough, nothing but having him with you would be, but to have a beautiful record of him to look back on is still something precious. Your husband sounds amazing - what a rock to let you just grieve.

 

:grouphug:

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Many hugs and continued prayers.

 

Grief is a long-term process. I can't talk from experience but the reality of losing a child cannot possibly fail to have an enduring impact on your heart and life. On top of that you've been through a physically, mentally, and emotionally grueling few weeks yourself, after the strain of pregnancy and surgery. Just recovering from that is going to take significant time.

Edited by maize
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 A lot changed for me with his death, and I am very confused at why it had to be this way.  

 

I hope you can find a suitable idea to plug that dike with.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

It's going to take a while, so don't beat yourself up for not finding it faster.

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We are hanging in there.  One minute I'm okay, and the next I'm sobbing.  A lot changed for me with his death, and I am very confused at why it had to be this way.  I have the best husband in the world; he doesn't try to fix anything but just loves on me when I'm crying.  

 

My parents will be around for at least another week or two.  DH needs to head back to the office, so my parents will be here as I transition back to fulltime mom-hood.  My other children are largely doing okay.  Even the 3yo understands, mostly.

 

We received the link from the hospital photographer to his photos, and they're really beautiful.  In black and white, especially, you can't see some of the color changes to his skin (from adhesive from his breathing tube and from some edema in his abdomen); you just see his wrinkly little baby feet and fuzzy little face.  He's so beautiful, and I'm so glad I have those photos forever.

 

I'm in contact with one of the milk banks.  I've got over 100 ounces, I think, all collected and stored according to guidelines for my son, who was, according to the attending, the sickest baby they had at the time.  I'd really, really like to donate his milk to help other preemies; I've got a lot frozen in 10-20 mL increments, so it would be ideal for another tiny baby.  If you're so inclined, please pray that the blood pressure meds and whatever else they gave me in the hospital will not preclude donation, since I'm an extremely clean and low-risk donor otherwise.  I don't think I can handle throwing it all out.

 

:grouphug:

 

Still thinking of you and praying for you and the rest of your family often. I am so sorry he was taken from you- but it is good you are letting yourself mourn and giving yourself time to grieve. I hope the kids are doing okay and are a comfort. Glad your dh and your parents are there for you as well. You know we are here anytime you need to talk (write). I've never gone through what you are, but I would think just talking about it sometimes to people outside of it could be helpful, hopefully. 

 

Anyway, hugs sweet Mamma. Take care. 

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I'm sorry sweetie, the milk bank wouldn't take any of mine because of the blood pressure meds and painkillers, at least for the Colorado milk bank. They said the blood pressure medication (a simple beta blocker) could cause issues in preemies who already have low blood pressure. I was SO disappointed :(

 

The guidelines may differ by milk bank though so make sure to call and check.

 

We are still praying for you - how wonderful that the pictures turned out and you have them forever! It's nowhere near good enough, nothing but having him with you would be, but to have a beautiful record of him to look back on is still something precious. Your husband sounds amazing - what a rock to let you just grieve.

 

:grouphug:

Well, that's lousy.  Ugh.  The painkillers wouldn't be an issue after the first few days, since I didn't take any since before the hospital released me after three days, but the beta blocker would be a problem.  I'll call different ones if need be though.

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Well, that's lousy. Ugh. The painkillers wouldn't be an issue after the first few days, since I didn't take any since before the hospital released me after three days, but the beta blocker would be a problem. I'll call different ones if need be though.

If you find one please message me! I have so much milk I want to donate to help another family but got skunked on the main source up here. I can see why they have such a milk shortage - the restrictions were crazy stringent even though they said there was no issue feeding my own kiddo any of the milk. Hmph.

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Well, that's lousy.  Ugh.  The painkillers wouldn't be an issue after the first few days, since I didn't take any since before the hospital released me after three days, but the beta blocker would be a problem.  I'll call different ones if need be though.

  

If you find one please message me! I have so much milk I want to donate to help another family but got skunked on the main source up here. I can see why they have such a milk shortage - the restrictions were crazy stringent even though they said there was no issue feeding my own kiddo any of the milk. Hmph.

Happypamama I wish I had words to help but know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

 

I couldn't donate breastmilk due to taking aspirin. You can donate privately to moms who need milk due to medical issues, adoptions, etc through Eats on Feets or Human Milk 4 Human Babies.

 

http://www.eatsonfeets.org

http://hm4hb.net/community-pages/

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Echoing what Rosie said: take the time to grieve. You can't hurry it. I remember sometimes thinking I wish I could just fast-forward and be at 3 years past loss, or I wished I could go into suspended animation so I could just not feel for a few years.

 

I am sure the milk is very difficult psychologically. If you can't find an accepting donation location, and it isn't causing a problem to store it, you could just store it until you are in a better place for managing it. Or perhaps a friend could help you when it is time to manage it so you don't have to dump it out alone.

 

P.S. Sitting right beside me is my knitting loom with half a premie hat I am making in Nathaniel's honor. I already have two others finished and will be donating them to the NICU when I get several made. <3

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How are you doing Happypamama?

So so. The last couple of days I've cried a little but not had overwhelming sobbing. I just feel kind of numb and confused. None of it makes any sense to me.

 

3yo last night said he wanted to go see Baby Nate. That made me cry a bit. He was SO excited to be a big brother, and I'm so upset for him. Then this morning he said that he loves the new baby. I reminded him gently that the new baby is in Heaven with Jesus. He said, "But me STILL LOVE him!" He still refers to himself as a big brother in the present tense. He would have been such a good big brother.

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So so. The last couple of days I've cried a little but not had overwhelming sobbing. I just feel kind of numb and confused. None of it makes any sense to me.

 

3yo last night said he wanted to go see Baby Nate. That made me cry a bit. He was SO excited to be a big brother, and I'm so upset for him. Then this morning he said that he loves the new baby. I reminded him gently that the new baby is in Heaven with Jesus. He said, "But me STILL LOVE him!" He still refers to himself as a big brother in the present tense. He would have been such a good big brother.

 

:crying:  That is so sweet and so devastating all at the same time. We are still praying for you all.  :grouphug:

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Your 3 year old sounds precious!

 

There is a book, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" that may be helpful to you, if not today maybe in the future.

 

Also, hospice in my area has support groups and free grief counseling. If your hospital hasn't made you aware of resources in your area and you think it might be helpful, please call your local hospice.

 

Continuing to pray for you.

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So so. The last couple of days I've cried a little but not had overwhelming sobbing. I just feel kind of numb and confused. None of it makes any sense to me.

 

3yo last night said he wanted to go see Baby Nate. That made me cry a bit. He was SO excited to be a big brother, and I'm so upset for him. Then this morning he said that he loves the new baby. I reminded him gently that the new baby is in Heaven with Jesus. He said, "But me STILL LOVE him!" He still refers to himself as a big brother in the present tense. He would have been such a good big brother.

 

He'd have been a great big brother.

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So so. The last couple of days I've cried a little but not had overwhelming sobbing. I just feel kind of numb and confused. None of it makes any sense to me.

 

3yo last night said he wanted to go see Baby Nate. That made me cry a bit. He was SO excited to be a big brother, and I'm so upset for him. Then this morning he said that he loves the new baby. I reminded him gently that the new baby is in Heaven with Jesus. He said, "But me STILL LOVE him!" He still refers to himself as a big brother in the present tense. He would have been such a good big brother.

 

Mr 3 is perfectly right. Of course he is a big brother in the present tense. 

 

 

There's a very illustrative story on that in one of the Parker Readers. It's something you might want in the future if he finds he can't generate enough words to express himself on that topic. Give me a yell if that time comes. 

 

I also have it on good authority that deceased brothers make excellent adventure partners. They are always happy to do whatever *you* want to do without complaint. Most of the reports I hear are about amusement parks, road trips and cake.

 

If your religion doesn't observe All Souls Day, or something like it, it'd be a good idea to invent a yearly ritual that is not the anniversary of his departure and explain it to Mr 3. For every day, it might help to have a Nate candle to light when Mr 3 in particular is missing him. 

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Echoing what Rosie said: take the time to grieve. You can't hurry it. I remember sometimes thinking I wish I could just fast-forward and be at 3 years past loss, or I wished I could go into suspended animation so I could just not feel for a few years.

 

Yes! I totally get this feeling. Sometimes it would be really nice to be several months or years past this.

 

I am sure the milk is very difficult psychologically. If you can't find an accepting donation location, and it isn't causing a problem to store it, you could just store it until you are in a better place for managing it. Or perhaps a friend could help you when it is time to manage it so you don't have to dump it out alone.

 

P.S. Sitting right beside me is my knitting loom with half a premie hat I am making in Nathaniel's honor. I already have two others finished and will be donating them to the NICU when I get several made. <3

<3. I love this -- thank you! Our nicu said that preemie hats are always in short supply. :)

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Your 3 year old sounds precious!

 

There is a book, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" that may be helpful to you, if not today maybe in the future.

 

Also, hospice in my area has support groups and free grief counseling. If your hospital hasn't made you aware of resources in your area and you think it might be helpful, please call your local hospice.

 

Continuing to pray for you.

Thank you. I need to check the pile of books. There's a group who brings a beautiful basket of remembrance and comfort items to each family, and there are several books in it. They do support groups as well.

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Mr 3 is perfectly right. Of course he is a big brother in the present tense.

 

 

There's a very illustrative story on that in one of the Parker Readers. It's something you might want in the future if he finds he can't generate enough words to express himself on that topic. Give me a yell if that time comes.

 

I also have it on good authority that deceased brothers make excellent adventure partners. They are always happy to do whatever *you* want to do without complaint. Most of the reports I hear are about amusement parks, road trips and cake.

 

 

This is awesome! I can totally see my 3yo doing that. I am sorry you and your little girl know this feeling though. :(

 

If your religion doesn't observe All Souls Day, or something like it, it'd be a good idea to invent a yearly ritual that is not the anniversary of his departure and explain it to Mr 3. For every day, it might help to have a Nate candle to light when Mr 3 in particular is missing him.

I like this. He probably would too. Good idea!

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Your dear 3 year old! I lost my brother in similar circumstances when I was 5. I wanted to talk about him frequently and count him when people asked about siblings (until him I was an only). I learned quickly that doing either of those things caused lots of tears and pain for my parents so I stopped. I'd bring him up every so often to see if it was ok, but it was probably a decade before my mother could hear his name without bursting into tears. My parents did the best they could, but it did cause issues for me. Navigating grief is tricky for all members of the family. I hope your family is able to find ways that work for each of you. *hugs*

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Hi happypamama. I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I think of you, your family and dear Nate often. How are you doing?

Thank you! We are. . . muddling along? I guess that's maybe the right way to put it. My feelings go up and down. I miss him a lot. Sometimes his pics are just sweet and a hint of sad, and sometimes they make me just lose it. I was mostly okay for a few days, and the other night I unexpectedly ended up sobbing. Can't really predict how things are going to go. This weekend marked a month since his birth and since I met him, so that was a little hard.

 

I am slowly getting back to doing housework. It really helps to have my parents here to help out. I folded and put away a bunch of laundry and packed up all my pump parts, so I guess that's one step toward normalcy.

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Your dear 3 year old! I lost my brother in similar circumstances when I was 5. I wanted to talk about him frequently and count him when people asked about siblings (until him I was an only). I learned quickly that doing either of those things caused lots of tears and pain for my parents so I stopped. I'd bring him up every so often to see if it was ok, but it was probably a decade before my mother could hear his name without bursting into tears. My parents did the best they could, but it did cause issues for me. Navigating grief is tricky for all members of the family. I hope your family is able to find ways that work for each of you. *hugs*

Oh goodness, I'm so sad for you! That must have been so hard. I'm okay with the kids talking about him. I mention him but not obsessively, just kind of matter of fact when the topic comes up. When the kids mention him, I feel more wistful than completely broken, but maybe I also save the harder emotions to process later on my own/with DH, which is probably appropriate. But there's such a wide variety of things that can "set me off."

His pics or mentions of him don't necessarily, but other, seemingly unrelated, stuff can. I don't really like Aerosmith much, but I love their one song, and it always makes me think of my babies because they change so fast. It seems even more applicable to Nate, because it reminds me of those two days and nights I sat holding him, not sleeping much because I knew it was all the time I'd have with him, and it will probably always make me cry now, even more than it always did.

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Thank you! We are. . . muddling along? I guess that's maybe the right way to put it. My feelings go up and down. I miss him a lot. Sometimes his pics are just sweet and a hint of sad, and sometimes they make me just lose it. I was mostly okay for a few days, and the other night I unexpectedly ended up sobbing. Can't really predict how things are going to go. This weekend marked a month since his birth and since I met him, so that was a little hard.

 

I am slowly getting back to doing housework. It really helps to have my parents here to help out. I folded and put away a bunch of laundry and packed up all my pump parts, so I guess that's one step toward normalcy.

 

I really wish I had some suitable words of comfort ... just know that we all care and we're here to listen.

 

Thinking of you often

xx

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Oh goodness, I'm so sad for you! That must have been so hard. I'm okay with the kids talking about him. I mention him but not obsessively, just kind of matter of fact when the topic comes up. When the kids mention him, I feel more wistful than completely broken, but maybe I also save the harder emotions to process later on my own/with DH, which is probably appropriate. But there's such a wide variety of things that can "set me off."

His pics or mentions of him don't necessarily, but other, seemingly unrelated, stuff can. I don't really like Aerosmith much, but I love their one song, and it always makes me think of my babies because they change so fast. It seems even more applicable to Nate, because it reminds me of those two days and nights I sat holding him, not sleeping much because I knew it was all the time I'd have with him, and it will probably always make me cry now, even more than it always did.

Hugs. Grief is like that.

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Your dear 3 year old! I lost my brother in similar circumstances when I was 5. I wanted to talk about him frequently and count him when people asked about siblings (until him I was an only). I learned quickly that doing either of those things caused lots of tears and pain for my parents so I stopped. I'd bring him up every so often to see if it was ok, but it was probably a decade before my mother could hear his name without bursting into tears. My parents did the best they could, but it did cause issues for me. Navigating grief is tricky for all members of the family. I hope your family is able to find ways that work for each of you. *hugs*

 

I was very careful to make it clear to my dd that I'm allowed to cry if I want to. I have that right!

 

:grouphug:

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I was very careful to make it clear to my dd that I'm allowed to cry if I want to. I have that right!

 

:grouphug:

Oh yes. My parents did the very best they could at the time. My mother never got any sort of grief counseling and now wishes very much that she had, as she wonders if it would have helped. I was a people pleaser as a child and I hated the thought of upsetting them, so I mostly kept quiet.
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Oh yes. My parents did the very best they could at the time. My mother never got any sort of grief counseling and now wishes very much that she had, as she wonders if it would have helped. I was a people pleaser as a child and I hated the thought of upsetting them, so I mostly kept quiet.

 

Oh, I'm not knocking your parents! I was just illustrating how important boundaries are and a little insight into how that has needed to manifest at our house. The boundary for me is I'm allowed to cry if I want to. The boundary for dd is that she has every right to say triggering things, and doesn't have to take responsibility for my crying about them. I don't seem able to craft my words as carefully as I'd like to, but it has been about creating at atmosphere that allows the journey.

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Thinking of you today. I hope you have a nice day.

You're sweet -- thank you!

 

Unfortunately, it's been a stressful day and a stressful week. Just a lot of small issues that are annoying but not a big deal, unless they're on top of other stresses like grief. I was having some dizziness last week in the morning hours after taking my BP meds, so I started checking it again, and it was running on the low end of normal. Then the last couple of days, it's been running high normal. I'm calling the MFM tomorrow

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