Christmas time grief

[purplejackmama]

My brother died suddenly in October and my family is grief stricken. We are all trying to make some sense of this new normal. I have convinced my mom to come for Christmas, and I'm happy we will all be together. Even with broken hearts.

 

I want to get her a Christmas gift. Something meaningful and heartfelt. My question is have any of you either given gifts to someone during a grieving period or have you received something you felt especially thoughtful? I can't think of any ideas.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

My brother died suddenly in October and my family is grief stricken. We are all trying to make some sense of this new normal. I have convinced my mom to come for Christmas, and I'm happy we will all be together. Even with broken hearts.

 

I want to get her a Christmas gift. Something meaningful and heartfelt. My question is have any of you either given gifts to someone during a grieving period or have you received something you felt especially thoughtful? I can't think of any ideas.

 

My father died in October, we are having pillows made from some of his shirts for the grand kids. Might not be what you had in mind, but a gift made out of something of his might be well received.

[sassenach]

A good friend of mine recently lost her daughter. Another friend gave her a silver cuff. Engraved on the inside it reads "I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart."

 

It's just lovely.

 

(((Hugs))) to you. I'm sure just being with you will mean so much to her.

[Spryte]

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.

 

I have never been where you are, at this time of year. So please know that as I write, it's with deep caring, but no personal experience... In my life pre-kids, I was a traveling artist - I went to the big juried art shows up and down the east coast. I was a sculptor, and - odd to look back on this now - my subject matter was angels. I didn't expect it, but I ended up meeting and doing work for a lot of people who were grieving during the holidays. We shed a lot of tears together. What I noticed was a tendency to want something to acknowledge the love and relationship between people. I did a lot of custom work for people, with smaller pieces like ornaments for trees, etc. Like someone might have me write, "[name] ~ my son, my friend, my angel" on a banner for an angel ornament. I don't know if something like that would feel comforting, or if it would make it more painful. But it's a thought. Your post reminded me of some lovely people I met over the years, and how they coped.

 

I think I'd focus on comforting gifts, and plan to talk a lot about your brother, and hopefully share some good memories, too.

[Miss Peregrine]

Do you have anything that your brother has written? I bought my mom a keychain with her late mother's writing on it.

 

Heartonyourwrist.com

 

I cannot wait to give it to her. They have jewelry, too. Mine came in the mail a few days ago and it is just beautiful.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

My MIL wrote a poem about my dad for my mother after my dad died and we had it framed for her.  

 

Other things I have seen:

engraved silver ornament with the person's name on it 

scrap book that includes "memories" stories sent in by friends and family (usually short) interspersed with photos

certificate from charity where donation was made in the person's name

book donation to a local library with a book plate inside in memory of that person

evening watching the person's favorite movies while eating their favorite foods with close family

 

 

 

[Jaz]

Do you have anything that your brother has written? I bought my mom a keychain with her late mother's writing on it.

 

Heartonyourwrist.com

 

I cannot wait to give it to her. They have jewelry, too. Mine came in the mail a few days ago and it is just beautiful.

 

This is a wonderful idea. I'm sure your gift will be cherished.

 

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

[Arctic Bunny]

We were just talking about this today. A local funeral home is offering/ordering custom stained glass pieces that can be ornaments, or hung all year round in a window.

[TranquilMind]

My brother died suddenly in October and my family is grief stricken. We are all trying to make some sense of this new normal. I have convinced my mom to come for Christmas, and I'm happy we will all be together. Even with broken hearts.

 

I want to get her a Christmas gift. Something meaningful and heartfelt. My question is have any of you either given gifts to someone during a grieving period or have you received something you felt especially thoughtful? I can't think of any ideas.

 

I'm sorry. 

 

I've lost two siblings (and mom too, now). What Mom most appreciated and what helped us both was talking about them. 

 

 Say, "Oh I bet (brother's name) would love this movie.  I remember how he always..."  Or "I really miss him, and was going to give him a (whatever) this year. I know he would be having fun with it." 

 

It's so important to keep him a part of  the fabric of your lives like that, if it isn't too soon to even speak of it for you.

I'm so sorry.   

 

[happi duck]

My brother died suddenly in October and my family is grief stricken. We are all trying to make some sense of this new normal. I have convinced my mom to come for Christmas, and I'm happy we will all be together. Even with broken hearts.

 

I want to get her a Christmas gift. Something meaningful and heartfelt. My question is have any of you either given gifts to someone during a grieving period or have you received something you felt especially thoughtful? I can't think of any ideas.

Sorry for your loss.

[happi duck]

My father died in October, we are having pillows made from some of his shirts for the grand kids. Might not be what you had in mind, but a gift made out of something of his might be well received.

Sorry for your loss.

[TechWife]

Both of my parents have died recently. I can't imagine Christmas right now. I love the heart on your wrist jewelry. I am going to save the link for later. I have some Christmas cards my mom signed the week before she died that weren't yet mailed. Maybe I can do something with those at a later time.

[purplejackmama]

Oh Techwife. I agree. How is Christmas supposed to happen when I'm barely functioning? But sigh. Alas. I'm trying to move forward and do the next right thing.

 

But it hurts. I'm hurting.

[Teresa in MO]

My heart goes out to your entire family.  Unfortunately, I do very much know how you feel.  My dh passed away suddenly in September.  It has been very difficult the past few weeks getting ready for Christmas.  So many memories.  My youngest is 13.  There is a lady here locally that takes and makes teddy bears out of clothes. My nephew's wife had this done for my brother's (who had passed away) family.  I did not have the heart to do it this year, as I have not been able to go through his belongings yet.  Just can't do it.  But I hope to have them made for next Christmas.  I have the shirts that he wore the first time he held each grandbaby, so will use them for their bears.  I will have around 20 bears that will need to be made.

[gardenmom5]

you have my condolences for the loss of your brother.

 

My mother died unexpectedly 10 days before christmas, so I understand the right next to the holidays.

what was meaningful to me, was very tightly connected with my faith tradition.  I joke (am also serious) - no christmas gift will ever come close to that one for meaningfulness.

 

I'm sorry I dont' have any suggestions for your mom. something connected with your brother . . . that was his, remind her of a hobby - something important and valued, connected to him.

[Guest]

Nora bene: I learned this morning that a friend has died. May her rest be with the saints.

 

In this raw state...which seems annually recurring at this mount...it seems to me that unless Christmas has a meaning that transcends not only the gift-giving but also the family traditions, it is a burden to be cast off.

 

If there is a transcendent meaning--God incarnate--then the rest falls into place and has its place in serenity. Even if it is a bruised and hurting serenity. But without that transcendent meaning...I'd give the whole thing a miss and grab at what solace and peace I could find.

 

I'm so sorry for those who suffer the melancholy and grief of loss in this season when it seems that forced obliviousness is de riguer.

 

<3

[Rosie_0801]

I'm sorry. 

 

I've lost two siblings (and mom too, now). What Mom most appreciated and what helped us both was talking about them. 

 

 Say, "Oh I bet (brother's name) would love this movie.  I remember how he always..."  Or "I really miss him, and was going to give him a (whatever) this year. I know he would be having fun with it." 

 

It's so important to keep him a part of  the fabric of your lives like that, if it isn't too soon to even speak of it for you.

I'm so sorry.   

 

 

:iagree:  Not allowing a taboo to be created is probably the most important thing.

 

 

:grouphug: 's to everyone.

[Joanna]

I'm so sorry. You have my condolences.

 

I've lost my grandpa and I still don't know how to talk about it with other people.

Edited December 14, 2016 by Joanna

[*LC]

We gave my MIL a blanket with photos of her deceased son & his children. I never saw it, but she liked it. It was from Shutterfly, but I think other companies also make them.

 

I'm sorry for your loss & I am glad your mother will be with you ffor Christmas.

[Annie G]

Both of my parents have died recently. I can't imagine Christmas right now. I love the heart on your wrist jewelry. I am going to save the link for later. I have some Christmas cards my mom signed the week before she died that weren't yet mailed. Maybe I can do something with those at a later time.

 

I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd lost them recently- if you posted about it I missed it.  :grouphug:

[Annie G]

I'm so sorry about your brother.  Four years ago my mom suddenly passed and Christmas was just...sad. I made my dad a calendar with photos of him and mom.  It might seem like a painful gift- every day was painful for him (They were married for 60 years) but he loved seeing her face every time he went through the kitchen. He still has the calendar - it now hangs in his bedroom and is turned to his favorite pic. He takes it down sometimes and looks through it. 

 

I love the heart on your wrist jewelry. 

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

To those of you struggling with loss this holiday season, my heart and prayers go out to you.  One thing we did for my mom on their first wedding anniversary after my dad died was to have everyone write a short note with their favorite memory of Dad.  She later made copies of all of those and put them into a booklet and gave them to all of us kids for Christmas. 

 

Is there anything of his that was funny or unusual?  After my mom died, my two sisters were cleaning out her place and discovered that her slippers must have been multiplying like rabbits ... she had tons of hardly worn slippers. (Two years prior, when she downsized, my sister made her get rid of a ton of unused slippers and let her keep only a few.)  She got a lot of them as gifts during her frequent hospitalizations in the last couple years of her life.  That Christmas, every female Imy sisters, SILs, and nieces) in the family got a gift of slippers from Mom.  Dd and I wore ours every day, thinking of her every time we put them on.  Ours eventually disintegrated.  Other family members only pull them out for special occasions and Instagram them when they wear them to honor Mom. 

[AimeeM]

I'm not sure if it can be done this close to Christmas, but the hospice my FIL was in does a lovely gift. They take several of the deceased's clothing items and turn it into a custom teddy bear. I'm sure there are companies that may do the same. 

 

I'm trying to have a voicemail from FIL (back when his voice sounded healthy and strong and content) placed on some sort of small device for DH, but I haven't yet found anything for that.

 

With that said, it may be too soon for your mom to have gifted to her something that is as directly related to her son as the things I mentioned above. I think my husband would have broken completely had I given him a voicemail from Dad, etc before now. Every person is different, though, and I know that, while it physically hurt to do, it also made me feel peaceful to listen to those same voicemails almost immediately after Dad died. 

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

[bookbard]

I'm so sorry. We lost our brother in October of 2008. We all put in and gave our mum a necklace which had different coloured (I mean different golds, silver) rings on it, one for each of us (7 siblings). She also got one of those necklaces where they turn a photo into an image on silver. She wears both those necklaces. Another thing we did was plant a tree on his birthday (which was December). I spent two months scrapbooking all the photos we had, and had it ready for Christmas. It had a page for each of us with our brother, plus pages like - him at school, him at camp, him with pets etc. My sister spent that time collating all the video we had and put it on DVD and gave each of us a copy. 

 

For me, now, I can barely stand looking at photos even though they were so important to me in that initial stage. My mum still longs for new photos that people dig up, or loves people framing photos in a new way. 

 

Everyone is different. For my mum, it is so essential that no one forgets him. So she likes to wear the jewellery, partly I think she hopes someone will ask so she can tell them about him. For me, even now, it's hard for me to talk about him without sobbing. So - everyone is different. 

[purplejackmama]

I'm so sorry. We lost our brother in October of 2008. We all put in and gave our mum a necklace which had different coloured (I mean different golds, silver) rings on it, one for each of us (7 siblings). She also got one of those necklaces where they turn a photo into an image on silver. She wears both those necklaces. Another thing we did was plant a tree on his birthday (which was December). I spent two months scrapbooking all the photos we had, and had it ready for Christmas. It had a page for each of us with our brother, plus pages like - him at school, him at camp, him with pets etc. My sister spent that time collating all the video we had and put it on DVD and gave each of us a copy.

 

For me, now, I can barely stand looking at photos even though they were so important to me in that initial stage. My mum still longs for new photos that people dig up, or loves people framing photos in a new way.

 

Everyone is different. For my mum, it is so essential that no one forgets him. So she likes to wear the jewellery, partly I think she hopes someone will ask so she can tell them about him. For me, even now, it's hard for me to talk about him without sobbing. So - everyone is different.

Thank you bookbard. I think we are similar. My mom loves the pictures, they are so painful for me. My counselor had me bring one yesterday and all I could do was sob the entire time I looked at.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Firsts are so hard.  It's been 4 years since we lost my sister in law.    :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Joyofsixreboot]

I am very, very sorry for your loss. I have a Christmas ornament in the shape of a dove with my mom's name on it. It at least acknowledges her. I like the heartonyourwrist idea. Again, all my sympathies.

[jjeepa]

:grouphug: I am so sorry for your loss.

 

My mother died in July and I barely survived Thanksgiving.  Christmas has been tough.  You've received so many wonderful ideas in this thread and I especially love the idea of memorializing handwriting on jewelry at heartonyourwrist.com.  I think I might do something like that.   

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and with others on this thread that are also grieving.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

Really to me the greatest gift would be to be with supportive people during a difficult time.  I wouldn't care about a material gift.  The first xmas after my mother died, her brother and wife came over for dinner.  That meant a lot to me because they came to my mother's holiday parties and I thought well that's the end of that.  I was glad they came over.

 

 

[Heathermomster]

When my sister died Oct 2012, the family rented a beach house and celebrated Christmas there. Gifts were the usual things such as soft scarves, smell goods, and chocolate.