Feeling guilt over finances, should I change something?

[Janeway]

Oldest goes to activities that add up to $175 a month plus he has an outsourced home school class and a few other home school related things. Second child has his activity that currently is $160 a month plus recital fees and such. He is no longer going far away so gas is no longer an issue. So I would put his cost at maybe $180 a month. So they are both pretty equal.

 

Sir Lego is in public school all day and Princess Glitter is in preschool. Preschool costs $400 a month!!! I feel like this was a big mistake. She does get to socialize, which is great. But I do feel like I am out of our league. It is not one of those..give a child work sheets kind of preschools. It is very hands on, move around, nature, etc. But that does not change the fact that this is basically out of our league. We went ahead and paid for it for this year figuring it was the last year so we would suck it up.

 

PG has been begging to take gymnastics for a long time. Sir Lego just asks to go to the gym, referencing where gymnastics is done. I took both the kids there, and the olders went there in the past. The people who work there are wonderful. They are so sweet and so good with the kids. They are just good all around people. But, the kids were not really learning anything. A typical class was jump on the trampoline for a little while, and then go through a circuit of walk across a low beam, walk up a tilted mat, jump in to a hole mat, do a forward roll on a slanted mat, repeat. It was very boring and did not keep the children's attention. So, while the teachers were wonderful and it was somewhat maybe fun, my children never learned anything. We decided to just go for things like home school class and open gyms and such, which are fun for the kids. 

 

When 12 yr old started the ballet at the closer studio, but it is still 12-15 minutes away, one of the mom's told me she was from our town and had used the gymnastics place we have been using, and while she loved the people who worked there, her children learned nothing and it was a waste of time. She told me to try the gym that was another 10-15 minutes down the road from the studio. She said it was just so much better. Ok. Well, I do not know much about gymnastics places at all. I took it when I grew up, but, it was a small town type area. The gym was much like where my children were already going. But I decided to take a look.

 

This other place had waiting lists so I put the Sir and Princess on the waiting lists. I did not really expect anything. And I actually thought that it would be the next term before anything opened anyway, so not an issue. But then they opened another session for Princess's age. We took her for a sample class.

 

This place is amazing! It was intimidating, but wow! They had big bars and little bars and just all sorts of equipment. They had rings for the boys. It was a very big place. I was told someone from here went to the olympics years ago, they have a level 10 team. They have people who have gone to "nationals" (don't really know what that means). My daughter got to do so much that none of my children ever did at the other gym. She got to try to learn how to flip around on a bar. She got to get on her hands with her feet on a mat that went high, this is so hard to describe. I could really see a lot of upper body strength being worked on. In the distance, I saw older kids doing things that I have never seen anywhere except on TV! I felt intimidated. And even though she is only 4 yrs old (I know my tag says 5, but she will be 5 next week), when she saw the gym, she was just "wow!!!" And, I had to bring in Sir Lego with me. Sir Lego is usually a little bit in his own world. But this time, he just looks up and says "wait! This place is way bigger than my gym!" After a while, I asked him if he wanted to come here and he said there was no one his size there. The place was big, so I took him to an area where he could see the smaller boys. 

 

When we left, daughter was so happy. She said "I love my new gym!" and son says "I would like to go too."

 

And my husband says "this traffic! I am not driving this! We just got out of a huge drive to the old dance place and we will sign up for this! I don't think so. And the cost? Not while we are paying for preschool! Once preschool is done, she can come here."  We had hit rush hour on the way out so it was frustrating driving in the horrific traffic we faced when trying to leave the gym. 

 

I felt the same way at first. But last night, in bed, I just kept thinking about how I had never seen anything like that and how my children and I have always been so weak with the upper body strength and this might make things better, and so on. And who knows, maybe they would be good at gymnastics with the proper training?

 

I asked my daughter, would you rather have gymnastics or preschool? She said gymnastics. Then an hour later, she said preschool, and then on the way to preschool this morning, she said gymnastics. 

 

We can pay for both, gymnastics and preschool. But the preschool is so expensive that I feel stressed. I wish I had not started her in preschool this year. For the cost of preschool, I could put her and her brother in 6 classes a week between the two of them. 

 

I feel so bad. I know she gets a lot out of preschool (as in people she plays with, I can handle the academics at home). I wish I could reasonable afford both. 

 

What would you do? I do not like resistence so I feel like I should just stay the course we are on now and try the gymnastics next year. But I also worry that she will lose a window here where she might learn a lot and cannot recover that later. On the other hand, at preschool, she has her little friends that she gets to play with. We never see these kids outside of school. 

 

 

[BlsdMama]

I say this, not to pass over your feelings, but to gently point out, that she's five.  What if you had not seen the gym?  Because, starting gymnastics at six or at seven is something too.  It sounds like you are feeling spread a little thin and that DH feels it too.  The traffic and the drive and six classes a week? That's a lot, all money aside.  Would it work better next year?  Because if so, I'd just say, "Awesome! Can't wait! We're going to start that when you turn seven!"  And she'll be sad... for about five minutes.

 

To be fair, I am a little jaded... We had DD (20) in everything... Tap, gymnastics, tramp & tumble, soccer, t-ball, you name it.  She probably loved trampoline best.  But, here she is, a senior studying Clinical Psych, and honestly?  I'm really happy with the trampoline we just put in the back yard.  I didn't sign the other kids up for gymnastics after all that experience.

 

 

[TranquilMind]

Wow, that was long.  ;)

 

Anyway, if you are asking what I would do, I would do the gym, not the preschool, if you are positive you cannot do both.  When you see their eyes light up like that, and especially if there is potentially any talent there, go for that one.  You already have the academics covered, and she can make some friends at the gym, maybe.

Whatever you decide, don't keep asking her.  This is your decision and you need to make it.  You can ask which your husband would think is best for her/them too, going over the pros and cons together,  but in this age range, and since you were right there, this is basically a mom decision.  Just decide and tell her happily what she will be doing, since she cannot do both. 

 

Maybe try the gym a time or two more, paying for individual lessons, so you can see if the joy remains before making a final decision?  I would do that. 

 

You aren't missing anything with preschool. 

[Janeway]

I say this, not to pass over your feelings, but to gently point out, that she's five.  What if you had not seen the gym?  Because, starting gymnastics at six or at seven is something too.  It sounds like you are feeling spread a little thin and that DH feels it too.  The traffic and the drive and six classes a week? That's a lot, all money aside.  Would it work better next year?  Because if so, I'd just say, "Awesome! Can't wait! We're going to start that when you turn seven!"  And she'll be sad... for about five minutes.

 

To be fair, I am a little jaded... We had DD (20) in everything... Tap, gymnastics, tramp & tumble, soccer, t-ball, you name it.  She probably loved trampoline best.  But, here she is, a senior studying Clinical Psych, and honestly?  I'm really happy with the trampoline we just put in the back yard.  I didn't sign the other kids up for gymnastics after all that experience.

I would not do 6 classes a week, I just meant that is how expensive preschool is.

 

But you are right. She is just 4. I cannot see anyone genetically related to me ending up in the Olympics or even a college team. So it is not like starting now would matter in the long run.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Janeway

[Carol in Cal.]

What do you value more?  The stuff she will learn at gymnastics or the experiences she will have at preschool?

The time your family spends on the road vs. the time you could spend together should also be considered.

 

I don't have a recommendation for you, but encourage you to lay out the pros and cons very thoroughly before you decide, and to include stress as a con--it's worth considering.

[Lady Florida.]

At her age she probably loves both and it's not unusual for her to keep giving you a different answer. Whichever is on her mind or is the last place she's been will probably be her favorite at any given time. I wouldn't go by what she says.

 

I'm guessing no part of the preschool tuition is refundable?

 

You say you can afford both. If you really can swing it without putting your family's finances at risk, I'd say discuss it more with your dh and try to get him to see your side. If the stress you're feeling is because it's going to hurt your bank account eventually then it's time to make a decision. Which decision? I can't help you there. 

[teachermom2834]

I have 4 kids with a ten year age gap from first to last. I did the expensive activities, lots of time in the car, travel team experience with the first. I can tell you that I do not do that with my last and as much as I adore that first born of mine I do wish I had some of those dollars and hours back.

 

Once we got out of the driving /spending many hours out of the home mode none of us will go back. It seemed reasonable at the time but now there can be a great activity 30 minutes away and my kids even decide it isn't worth it. Just my take but I am enjoying a schedule that has us home by 5:30 most days and driving less than 50 miles a week 🙂

 

So my vote is definitely against the gym...it can wait if you are still interested a year from now. But I totally would have done it with my first kid so I get it!

[MIch elle]

Are you saving for retirement FULLY (both parents)?  Are you saving for college for all your dc?  Do you plan to help pay for weddings, if so are you saving for those? Does your family have one year emergency fund in case you lose your monthly income?  Do you have NO debt?

 

If you've an answered YES to ALL the above, then spend that money on your dc.  If no to any of the above then YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH on outside dc activities/school.

[StephanieZ]

Since you've already started preschool and she loves it and you like it, I'd stick with it for the year. 

 

Add the gymnastics only if you have time and money for it. Otherwise, tell her she CAN do both . . . because she'll do preschool for 8 more months, and then you'll sign her up for gymnastics once preschool is over

 

Having BTDT and seeing lots of friends with young kids now so overloaded with kid activities, I can say that as I grew more experienced, I got more selective about outside activities . . . even if the $$ isn't an issue, the time suck is a PITA and makes it so you have less family time, less free play time, less stare at the stars time . . . Those things are precious, too.

 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

Janeway---you've had a long list of threads lately asking the Hive's opinions on a variety of things from school placement to kid classes to relocating cross-country with a job change, and so on.  They have had a fairly consistent emotional tone of "I'm so stressed" + "I'm worried about money" with a side of "provide my kids with the best experiences". I think all of us can relate to these feelings and desires, but when they are causing so much questioning and distress, in my life I have found it helpful to think about all of the tidbits of life and bring them into one cohesive reasoned view.

 

1. You put Princess into preschool so that you would be free to work with your older kids and so that she would be engaged in productive pursuits.

2. You put your kids into a gym closer to home because the drive and finances had you feeling overstretched (plus there was some criticism going on, if I remember).

3. You're considering relocating cross-country to be in a better position.

4. Your house is too big(?) and you're having a hard time keeping up cleaning....(I think this is you, sorry if it isn't).

 

There were several other posts on this theme of I'm overstretched/overcommitted and I'd like that uncomfortable feeling to change.  Having a larger family with a wide age spread is a challenging thing.  It's ok to say no, even to big wants, if things don't line up with the bigger needs of the family.  Counsel with your husband over the needs of your family and look at the big picture of time commitments, financial commitments, and the resources v. demands end of things.

[Janeway]

What do you value more?  The stuff she will learn at gymnastics or the experiences she will have at preschool?

The time your family spends on the road vs. the time you could spend together should also be considered.

 

I don't have a recommendation for you, but encourage you to lay out the pros and cons very thoroughly before you decide, and to include stress as a con--it's worth considering.

Actually, since I do drive 20 minutes to preschool, and the gymnastics place has day time classes, I could swap the two out and it would be equal on driving. The preschool is one direction and the gym is the opposite direction. But, I did commit to the school year with the preschool so it does feel a little flakey to pull out.

[justasque]

We are an "activities" family.  We see a lot of value in all kinds of experiences, and have been willing to put both time and money into them over the years.  But we also keep an eye on the big picture, and try to pace ourselves.  We don't see sports as leading to careers or Olympics fame.  It's just part of a healthy lifestyle to be physically challenged and mentally engaged in the way sports can provide.  Our kids are young adults now, and I can see every day how their early activities helped them on their path to a happy, productive life.

Your dd is liking preschool.  That won't be an option in future years - it will be harder (or impossible) to get that kind of gentle, child-centered, multiple-activity thing once she's older.  I would keep her there for this year.  Let her soak up all that it has to offer.  In the summer, I would put both kids into gymnastics.  See if they run some kind of summer camp, or short-term summer classes.  It's a good opportunity to see if they will like it.  If so, and if the schedule works, then include it in your plans for next school year.  

Edited September 13, 2016 by justasque

[Janeway]

Are you saving for retirement FULLY (both parents)?  Are you saving for college for all your dc?  Do you plan to help pay for weddings, if so are you saving for those? Does your family have one year emergency fund in case you lose your monthly income?  Do you have NO debt?

 

If you've an answered YES to ALL the above, then spend that money on your dc.  If no to any of the above then YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH on outside dc activities/school.

We put the max the IRS allows in to 401K and IRA. We have one years income in savings. And close to out of debt. BUT, we are spending at our max beyond that. So, once all that is paid for, we have nothing left going in to savings. So my IRA and his 401K are still getting bigger, but our regular savings is not and we are not adding to college funds.

[Storygirl]

I had my children in gymnastics for years when they were younger, and DS12 continued as a competitive gymnast until earlier this year.

 

Gymnastics can wait for another year. The things they are learning at the gym near your home may not seem important to you, but they are foundational coordination and balance skills that will help them in any further gymnastics classes, other sports, and even in life in general. So if they want to continue in gymnastics this year, and you can afford it, keep them in the closer gym for the remainder of this year. You can switch next year if your circumstances allow.

 

Also, educate yourself about the new gym. Some gymnastics programs are extremely competitive. By the time kids are eight and on a team, they are at the gym for three nights a week, two or three hours at a time. There are benefits, but it is an extremely expensive and time consuming sport. Think carefully about whether your family wants to commit to that, because once you start taking classes there, your kids may get sucked in and not want to quit.

 

Ask the new gym about the teams, including time commitment, cost, and how often they travel for meets (our son's team had meets out of state or hours away that required hotel stays). Ask what they offer for kids who don't join a team. Some gyms have a recreational division, and others only offer competitive gymnastics after a certain age. Ask what parent commitment looks like and whether you would be required to volunteer.

 

Gymnastics is a huge commitment, so know what you are getting into. Don't rush into it (DS didn't switch gyms and join a team until he was eight), and find out all the facts, not just about what it will look like this year, but about commitments in years to come. Because once you start, the kids are likely to want to do it all. Gymnastics is a great sport, but it doesn't stay recreational for long.

[sarasue7272]

When I was homeschooling, I felt a lot of stress about giving my kids THE BEST of everything. I agonized over curriculum and which p.e. class to go to. It was really a lot of stress. There were too many choices and opportunities.

 

Please don't feel that saying no at age 4 is no forever. There are different wonderful opportunities just around the corner all the time. You can't do them all. I had to stop feeling like I must make these huge life choices that were SO IMPORTANT all the time. They are not that important. Really. She won't miss anything vital by starting gymnastics at 6, or even never doing gymnastics at all.

 

I think you should stick with preschool. Check to see if the gym has camps or parents night out. The kids could have some fun without commitment.

[tm919]

Just for me... I don't pay for anything but swim (safety thing) and camps (for day care reasons) until we aren't paying preschool/K for them. For us, that means first grade.

 

Then, they get 1 activity added per year, up to 2 activities total, BUT they can request something additional as a gift. My older daughter picked 1 dance class per week this year and got it. But if she wants to do ice skating or a second day of dance this year, she can ask for one of those for her birthday and that's all she'd get for her birthday.

 

I would stay with the preschool, mostly because you already committed and it sounds nice. I'd be honest and tell your daughter if she wants gymnastics she can ask Santa, or for her birthday, or wait for next year.

Edited September 13, 2016 by tm919

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited November 5, 2016 by cathey

[Annie G]

I'm not sure why you don't seem to value what dd is learning in preschool, or why you feel it's out of your league. It sounds like a great place for her this year while you focus on your older kids and enjoy less car time for activities.  Being stressed about finances isn't fun, and being overcommitted with kid activities isn't fun, either. She's 5...she will be fine waiting until summer or next fall to do gymnastics. 

 

I echo the others who have mentioned investigating what that gym would expect from you after being there a year...joining a team, travel, fund raising, parent volunteers....it can all add up really fast. And if they are team focused and you aren't interested in that, you might find they are only a short term solution for your kids.  

 

 

[DawnM]

You are stressing me out just reading that.

 

My older two went to daycare/pre-school but only because I was working full time. Once I didn't work, they came home.

 

We didn't spend anywhere near the money you are spending. We joined the local museums ($100/yr investment) and met friends at museums, the parks, etc.....

 

Middle son took soccer ($60 per season)for his little group and oldest took art classes ($100 per semester.)

 

As they got older, they did scouts. It was around $150 per YEAR per boy, other than additional summer camps, campouts, equipment, etc.....

 

Sometimes I think these things are more for the adults than for the kids. They feel the pressure to have their kids in everything, and the other parents make it sound like a necessity. It isn't.

 

My kids are healthy, happy, are almost grown and will tell you the fun they had as kids doing co-ops (free) lego league ($150 or so per year), and tons of other free and low cost things.

 

AND we have investments, a house below 25% of our income on a 15 year mortgage, and actually very minimal money concerns right now. We just live below our means. I am thankful for that, but I can also tell you we have lived with much less, and we were tight. We didn't feel the kids had to do something we couldn't afford. We just did without. They are fine.

 

It sounds like time and money are an issue. Can you not just stop most of these activities and slow down and enjoy life and still get a quality education, do some fun activities as a family or with friends, and save money and stress in the meantime?

 

My .02

Edited September 14, 2016 by DawnM

[Okra]

I think you might want to do a little more research on this gym, and figure out exactly what you are looking for.  

 

For instance, I live five minutes away from an elite gymnastics place that sends girls to national and world competitions.  They have a "fun" program for little kids. But, REALLY, if the kid is any good in the "fun" program, they start talking to the parents about joining the team and "how much fun the girl has in gymnastics and how good she is and the team will be a better fit for said child"  

 

Now, the team is something that girls can start very early, like as young as first grade.  They are serious.   Girls/boys on the team are there at least 12 hours a week, and they compete once a week, either on Friday or Saturday.  My neighbor who has a child on the team was telling me last December that they are giving the children the 22nd through the 25th off, then back to practice.

 

I have seen many many children join this team and then drop it because of the time commitment and really it ends up being too stressful.

 

So, my point is:  what if this gymnastics thing actually turns out to be more stressful than you think?  Joining a gym that has a level 10 team and sends people to nationals is something that you may not actually want in the long term.  Because the gym really probably has motives for finding children at a young age, so they can then join the team later on

 

My advice is do some research, sure everything may be fun now at age 4/5, and it may be a great great program.  But, how pressured will you feel if she ends up being really good, and the gym now wants your child on the team?  Is that something you might want?  Is that an expense that you can take on?  Is this something that will bring MORE stress later on?

 

Just some things that you might want to consider.  I am fully aware of how our elite gymnastic place functions, and I am not certain is a low stress place for older kids.  Plus, you want to know how much the cost is for older kids.  Go into this with your eyes wide open……not just it might be a fun place for my 4/5 year old to gain strength and have fun, look at the long term and then make your decision.

 

 

Edited September 13, 2016 by Okra

[mamiof5]

Are you saving for retirement FULLY (both parents)? Are you saving for college for all your dc? Do you plan to help pay for weddings, if so are you saving for those? Does your family have one year emergency fund in case you lose your monthly income? Do you have NO debt?

 

If you've an answered YES to ALL the above, then spend that money on your dc. If no to any of the above then YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH on outside dc activities/school.

This.

 

I don't have to worry about it, since we just can't afford it, no way we can afford all those expensive activities for 5 kids.

 

If I could afford it? I'd try to make sure the items listed above were covered before putting money into dance, gymnastics, preschool etc.

 

It really depends on what the priorities are for each family. Those activities are not our priority.

[kroe1]

I always made my kids do one sport, one performing arts, and play one instrument. Carpools have saved my life.

[Shellydon]

I would choose none of it.  I did preschool 2 days a week with my 3 and 4 year olds at a cost of $150 per month. It was totally worth it to have them occupied (while I hung out with babies, or later, while I school older kids).  $400 a month would not have been worth it.  The gym is fun and great, but not worth the cost and time.  Get a trampoline in the back yard and turn them loose. 

[QueenCat]

Actually, since I do drive 20 minutes to preschool, and the gymnastics place has day time classes, I could swap the two out and it would be equal on driving. The preschool is one direction and the gym is the opposite direction. But, I did commit to the school year with the preschool so it does feel a little flakey to pull out.

 

The preschools my kids attended required us to sign contracts that we would pay the full year if we pulled our child out. If they could fill the spot, they let you out of it. If you moved more than a certain number of miles away, they let you out. Other outs were considered on a case by case basis but one would not expect an exemption as teachers pay, extras, etc were based on the commitment. So if you pull her out, are you contractually obligated to still pay?

[nevergiveup]

No way on the planet I would bend to the whim of a 5 year old.

My time is valuable and I don't think parents should devote their entire existence to their kids.

[kiwik]

Since the preschool was to give you time to spend on the olders swapping it for one gymnastics class seems a step backwards.

[KungFuPanda]

Several kids enrolled in a competitive gym will get more expensive than preschool VERY quickly. How will you feel when your kids make progress and get excited to move up a level? This will mean a lot more money and a lot more trips to the gym. The awe you feel over the big new gym WILL fade.

 

I swear the way kids are in so many activities I think the best college savings plan is to put an equal amount of money in a college account each time your kid does an activity. My life would be easier right now if I'd thought of that years ago. None of those dance or gymnastics classes are remotely as important as college.

[teachermom2834]

I swear the way kids are in so many activities I think the best college savings plan is to put an equal amount of money in a college account each time your kid does an activity. My life would be easier right now if I'd thought of that years ago. None of those dance or gymnastics classes are remotely as important as college.

 

This is how I have approached my daughter's dance. I make sure I am never spending more on dance than goes in her 529. It helps when I think "oh...just one more class" and then I remind myself that also means upping her college savings. I believe in both- kids doing some activities and saving for college. This has helped keep some perspective with an activity that is easy to get carried away with.

[skimomma]

Are you saving for retirement FULLY (both parents)?  Are you saving for college for all your dc?  Do you plan to help pay for weddings, if so are you saving for those? Does your family have one year emergency fund in case you lose your monthly income?  Do you have NO debt?

 

If you've an answered YES to ALL the above, then spend that money on your dc.  If no to any of the above then YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH on outside dc activities/school.

 

I don't have helpful advice for the OP except to say, as others have, ask a lot of questions at the gym so you know the potential long-term financial commitments.  Gym can get very expensive very quickly.

 

The above troubles me.  In an ideal world, that might be great advice, but frankly this would mean most children never did any activities ever.  I consider myself pretty darn financially responsible.  We save as much as we should for retirement and have an adequate emergency fund.  But we do have a mortgage and no college savings.  And certainly no wedding savings (do people really do that these days?).  And my kid is in activities.  The cost of her activities is a drop in the bucket compared to a fully-funded college savings account.  I am not going to deny my kid a sport and an art, at a reasonable cost, just so I can save up what would hardly pay for books in college.  I am all about being responsible.  Keep your activity costs reasonable, don't sacrifice real needs or go into debt to fund them, etc....  But the above advice is unreasonable for most families.