Costs of funerals

[Guest]

I want a funeral mass (because prayers for the dead are important) and a DIY funeral.  There is a lot you can do DIY, more than you think (from casket building to transporting the body, to having the viewing in your home, etc), you just have to look up laws in your state. 

 

I agree.  Having the funeral set by the Church (in my case Orthodox) is such a relief--everyone knows what to do, and there's not a lot of decisions to make.  The reception can totally personal.  

 

There are very few laws that determine what you can and cannot do--many less than people think.  My friend prepared his dad's body (the funeral director we work with said he had never seen such beautiful care), brought his dad to the Veterans graveyard in his pickup.  Not disrespectful.  It was clean.  It also saved the family a packet of money.  He made his dad's casket.  

 

If anyone is interested in learning more about these practices and how to do them and what is and is not legal, check out this book:  A Christian Ending to Our Lives.  It is by the Barnas.  (Not the research group--an Orthodox deacon.)  It is a beautiful and very helpful book.  Even if you are not Christian, you can learn a lot that will give you the gumption to say what you want.  

[Guest]

What's with the photo CD? Like someone is going to later look at the pix of Auntie Jo's memorial?

 

Dh wants to be buried feet-down in our backyard. As that is not allowed yet ;) he's compromising with cremation and scattering wherever we want. That's my plan as well.

 

I had to take care of my dad's arrangements. It's all a blur, but I think we spent about $5K plus the food for the at-home reception.

 

The photo CD was not pictures from the funeral, but from my dad's life, from his childhood on through his life, until pretty much his last days.  It lasted through 2 songs -- Jambalaya by Hank Williams and Cattle Call by Marty Robbins.  (Jambalya was my dad's lullaby for us when we were small, and everytime he saw a cow on our road trips, he would launch into Cattle Call...the music was OBVIOUS CHOICE material.  :0)  )

 

People loved it.  My sister got a stack of photos to the photo CD makers, and they did all the scanning and music overlay for $200 or something.  

 

I have watched it three times, and have showed it to my friend who wanted to see pictures of my family life but lives here, not in the state where the funeral was.  We sent copies to my dad's life-friends, and they got together and watched it (there are only 4 left of the bridge group of 24...) and thanked me again and again for sending it.  They, too, live in another state.  

 

I was skeptical when it was proposed, but I am *thankful* for it now.  And I am thankful it was only about 5 minutes long.  Sometimes they are tooooooo long. 

[Luckymama]

^^ oh ok I understand. Dh did something similar for both my mom and my dad.

[FaithManor]

When I'm gone I don't care what folks do with my body. My guys know they can donate to science (if an option), bury me where we bury the ponies, or whatever they feel is best. I don't give a hoot about any services either - they can choose what they want. I'd rather NOT have them spend a ton of money.

 

My dad has gone over and over with me what his plans are - pretty much every phone call for the past 6 months or so He's spending $13,000 to have it pre-paid. That's what prompted me to have the discussion with my guys. Do NOT spend 13K when I'm gone. What a waste of $$ IMO.

 

Hubby told me he'd love a Viking funeral. Put him in a boat and set it out to sea on fire... He's only half joking.

I am totally pro viking funeral. Here on the Great Lakes it would be epic!

 

My mother is going bankrupt due to my dad and expects us to use the $15,000 we have this year for our sons' college educations to bury him in glory. We have said absolutely no, my sister (who doesn't have a penny to contribute) is angry as heck that we said no. My brother said no as well so he is on the bad child/bad sib list as well. He and I have gone so far in the hole over their mess as it is. Enough is enough.

[fairfarmhand]

And what is with all the flowers at funerals?  When my FIL died everyone insisted on 5 million flower arrangements.  You look at them for a few minutes and then that's it.  Seems like a strange thing to spend a ton of money on.

 

Of course I'm practical to a fault.  DH knows not to buy me flowers.  I don't care for receiving flowers.  It's like here is a bunch of overpriced dead things..have a nice day. 

 

I'm so romantic.  LOL 

 

Several lovely friends bought fruit trees and shrubs for our home rather than cut flowers at a recent loss. I love them. They are VERY special. And the plants are too., :)

[hornblower]

Just a note for those planning to scatter, the cremains are often not that small. There can be larger chunks in there. It is disconcerting to some apparently. Also, check whether it's legal to scatter your ashes where you want to.

 

Also, if you do think you can do quick one off a ferry, make sure you're not standing into the wind. You don't want the wind to kick the cremains into your face or onto people standing on another deck... 

there are ecotours groups here which will boat out with you and let you put ashes in the water in a biodegradable urn. Some people ask to be put where whales come. You can even get a piper on board... http://www.marineecotours.com/recreation/boat-charters/scattering-ashes-at-sea-victoria

[TechWife]

My brother died in his home state, but he was the only family member that lived there. 

 

In addition to the death certificate, transportation and cremation charges we had: 

 

Storage charge - after a certain number of days (three, I think), there was a daily charge for cold storage. Because he lived in a state where they could not cremate without a signed death certificate, we ended up paying for a few days of storage. It was a state law that bodies had to be in cold storage if it was more than three days post mortem. 

 

Container charge - State law was that bodies had to be cremated in a container, so I paid for a basic cardboard box (looked like fake wood). 

 

Urn - Because we had his remains shipped to my parents home state, we had to pay for a sealed container in order for them to be shipped. By seal, I mean it had to have a gasket - a basic box would not work. 

 

Shipping charges - to have urn and remains shipped to my parents' home state. 

 

My other brother and nephew met me down in Florida, but did not arrive until after he had died. The funeral home was kind enough to prepare my brother's body (washing, etc.) and arrange a private viewing for them. They did not charge us to do this, even though I'm sure they could have. 

 

We were very pleased with the funeral home and how they handled things. I remember my opening line was "Our needs are very simple" and they took the cue from there. 

 

 

 

 

[Tree Frog]

I am deeply suspicious and critical of the funeral industry. It drives me batty with how much they charge for things. I hate that our society has created all these trappings around death. I feel like the culture we have around how to mourn and handle death is more designed to line the pockets of funeral homes than to help people grieve in a healthy way. I think it does more harm to the people left behind than help.

 

My mother, my father, my husband, and myself all agree on what we want for ourselves and our loved ones. (My in-laws want more than what the rest of us want, but they've already pre-paid for their funerals.)

 

This is what we want, and it is all that we want. Nothing more than:

 

Someone to take the body to the cremation place.

For the body to be cremated.

For the ashes to be handed over to us to store or scatter as we wish.

 

I'm assuming there's a charge for picking up the body. A charge for storing the body until it can be cremated. A charge for cremating. And...is that it? Is there some other $3000 hidden cost they'd suddenly pull out?

 

I don't want embalming. I don't want a viewing. I don't want a funeral at the funeral home. The church would allow us to have a funeral there and would also help provide food, via volunteers who make food for funerals.

 

How much do funeral homes charge for what I would want? I could call and ask them, but I was wondering what the hive might already know about keeping funerals simple.

 

Am I crazy for wanting something small and simple and decently priced? For not wanting embalmings and viewings and an expensive casket and burial plot? For not wanting an urn that's hundreds of dollars? For just wanting something simple that doesn't burden the living?

 

I haven't read all the replies; right now I don't have time. We just cremated my MIL; she wanted just what you said you want. She had prepaid in CO  about $1500 8 years ago for the cost for her cremation, which included up to $42 worth of death certificates. Mom passed away in TX, but the CO funeral home handled all the details of having the body picked up and cremated. We could have had her ashes mailed to us if we didn't want to pick them up. It was very easy, but did cost about $600 more than she had paid due to the exorbitantly priced obituaries (be sure to watch your word count!) and the extra death certificates we ordered. The death certificates were expensive (something like $25 for the first and $12 for each one after that), but we needed to have them to process her financial stuff.

 

 

 

[Guest]

Re obituaries:  the cost of these in a newspaper is scandalous.  I just wrote one for a friend, and ... well... I'm not sayin' how much it cost, even after trimming out stuff.  Money was not an issue in this situation.

 

Here is what I will do for my dh:  I will run an obituary in the Sunday paper, that will say, "Beloved DH departed this life on xx/xx/xx.  The funeral is at xx:xx o'clock at _(location)___; the Divine Liturgy and agape meal the following day and the burial at _____.   For further details see (name of funeral home's website).  All are welcome.  

 

Or that is what he will do for me.  

 

At any rate, on the website (and on the FB page) will run a full, wordy, lovely obituary.  FOR FREE.

 

It's important to one's heart to have something said about one's departed; it is not important to spend $1000 or more to do so.  (You think I am kidding? What I plan to run in our Sunday paper, with a picture, that little bit of text above, is $400 or more.)  (Obituaries are about all that keeps the daily paper afloat these days...)

 

 

[Scarlett]

My Mom just prepaid for exactly what you want. In Atlanta, the cost was a jaw-dropping $4,500.

 

I'd have comparison shopped, big time, but my Mom was not interested in advice or help with that project.

In my area a man I knew was cremated in that was for $700.

[G5052]

I buried my uncle last summer. It was an expensive part of the country, and it cost about $4000 for cremation and mailing him via Express Mail to the VA for burial (yes, really). There were no services other than the VA one, no obituaries, and just the basic legal container involved. 

 

And yes, I really shopped around. If we hadn't been able to get a VA burial, it would have been quite a bit more. I don't live there, so I had to do everything by phone.

 

It really is sad how expensive they are. You'd be surprised how many people get their loved one transferred, and then start looking at the costs and balk. The sweet man who handled my mother's arrangements said they averaged 1-2 a month where the person was transferred, the relatives made plans, and then no one came forward to pay. By law they had to keep contacting the family for a certain period, and then the person would be buried by the county and the funeral home would get a minimal amount.

Edited May 28, 2016 by G5052

[G5052]

And by the way, The Neptune Society, which does direct cremation, turned out to be much more expensive than the local funeral homes that do the same thing.  Found that out through another friend.  And their customer service was ... terrible.  

 

That's what I found too. Several of my contacts recommended it, but they were significantly more.

 

The funeral home I went with is actually part of a national chain, but SMALL. They do only a dozen or so a month and were very willing to keep it very simple. The director kept me posted each step of the way and sent a nice card when we finally got him buried almost 10 weeks after he died.

 

For very simple arrangements, they were on top of it.

[FaithManor]

I buried my uncle last summer. It was an expensive part of the country, and it cost about $4000 for cremation and mailing him via Express Mail to the VA for burial (yes, really). There were no services other than the VA one, no obituaries, and just the basic legal container involved. 

 

And yes, I really shopped around. If we hadn't been able to get a VA burial, it would have been quite a bit more. I don't live there, so I had to do everything by phone.

 

It really is sad how expensive they are. You'd be surprised how many people get their loved one transferred, and then start looking at the costs and balk. The sweet man who handled my mother's arrangements said they averaged 1-2 a month where the person was transferred, the relatives made plans, and then no one came forward to pay. By law they had to keep contacting the family for a certain period, and then the person would be buried by the county and the funeral home would get a minimal amount.

It's really bad here. The state is having to pay for more and more pauper's graves. It is getting more and more common for middle class families to abandon their loved ones bodies at the morgue or funeral home because they don't have the funds. A huge number of elderly in this area do not plan at all for their funerals and leave no money behind. While you might be tempted to say, "Well it will come out of the proceeds of the sale of the house, or the estate sale, or grandma's jewelry" or whatever, that isn't how it works unless someone has the cash up front and can wait for these sales to take place in order to be reimbursed. Some can put it on a credit card if they have one with a large credit line and can wait to be paid back. However this is getting less common. So much less common that two funeral homes in our county have recently gone out of business. You don't often see a funeral home go bankrupt. Sign of the times.

 

 

[creekland]

Oddly enough, Ram Man and I were just discussing this last night. He was just diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma on his forehead and today, when he went in for a complete exam, they found an area of suspected melanoma on his back. His chronic anxiety disorder is kicking in to high drive and he is planning his funeral again.

 

I'm all about direct cremation and popping me into a discount urn or burying me somewhere.

 

Ram keeps changing his plans, but they are always expensive.

 

:grouphug:   Poor guy.  There must be a lot on his mind.   :grouphug: for you too.

[FaithManor]

I am not doubting you, but I find that incredibly shocking.  Sheesh.  

 

By the way, in a previous thread, I referred to a situation where a mortician was telling the family they legally HAD to embalm because the body was being transported--that was in MI.  That is NOT the law in MI or in any other state...but it took us pulling our expert (who lives in Georgia) to tell him differently.  

 

It is also not a law that you HAVE to have a casket, that you HAVE to have "legal transportation" for moving a body across state lines...and so on.  These were all "news" to this funeral director and it took the family making a firm and informed stand to get what they wanted...all of which was perfectly legal.  

 

Some FUNERAL HOMES require that you do certain things to use their services, but this is their *business model*--and usually NONE of it has to do with legality.

 

I'm not yelling at you FaithManor; I am yelling because of these kinds of shenanigans and charges.

 

And by the way, The Neptune Society, which does direct cremation, turned out to be much more expensive than the local funeral homes that do the same thing.  Found that out through another friend.  And their customer service was ... terrible.  

Sheningans all over the place! YUP!

 

As for the cost, part of the issue we have here is that cremation is not popular so there are very few funeral homes that are licensed to do it, thus not competition which drives the price up.

[StaceyinLA]

There is nowhere any requirement for one to be embalmed, *especially* for direct burial.

 

Request Orthodox Jewish burial practices and you will get exactly what you want.

 

As an Orthodox Christian, we share most of the practices (at least from the POV of the funeral director). No make-up, no cremation, burial in contact with the ground (dust to dust).

 

More and more places are going with Green Burials which accomplish the same thing...and as a result of this increasing market demand, there are things like wicker baskets and so on for burial. I know someone who plans to be buried in a "winding sheet". In cemeteries you still have to get a concrete vault--that is to keep the ground from settling--but it doesn't have to have a bottom, so you / your natural casket are in touch with the earth. There are "cemeteries in the woods" where I am not sure this is a requirement.

 

MANY FUNERAL DIRECTORS think embalming is legally required (they are not necessarily being insincere in their insistence on doing it) especially if the body is to be transported. But this is not true. We just ran into this with a friend's mother, and we called on our resources to inform the out-of-state funeral director, who was very cooperative, just misinformed.

 

Embalming does great violence to the body and it also involves yucky toxic chemicals that do neither the living nor the environment any good. And in these days, refrigeration serves the same purpose, which is largely to allow for some delay between death and burial. Sometimes this is unavoidable; as Orthodox Christians, we do our best to bury on the third day, but in these modern times with scattered families, sometimes that is not possible.

I think in our state embalming is a law. It's one reason I want to be cremated. The embalming thing really grosses me out.

[StaceyinLA]

We just buried my mom at the beginning of April, so the funeral industry's greed and preying on people when they are vulnerable is fresh in my mind. We had a 3 hour visitation at a funeral home then a Catholic liturgy at the same funeral home. They brought her to the mausoleum (which was prepaid). That with all the other things required (embalming, prepping her for the visitation, the casket, etc.) was 7,326.00. Just absurd.

 

I want to do exactly as the OP; cremation, ashes sprinkled or buried on my own property, a little gathering at home for family/friends to celebrate my life. The end.

[footballmom]

When FIL passed away, it left MIL with a huge bill emotionally of making everything "just right" for him and also a big financial bill (over $15k) and it was modest compared to the choices the funeral home offered.  He did purchase a few grave plots many years ago, so that part was settled and paid for and MIL was comforted knowing he was going to be buried where he wanted to be buried.

 

I have told DH I would really like to be cremated - I don't want my family to have the expense, to feel like they need to worry if I "look like myself" or not in a casket and I honestly don't want them to feel a burden or duty to visit my grave.  DH has told me he doesn't know if he could be okay with my body being cremated.  If visiting a grave would comfort them, then that's what they should do.  So, I told him he would need to decide with our children what they want but he knows my wishes ;)

[Laurie]

I do not want to be cremated, but I also don't want to be embalmed.  I would prefer to just be buried in the ground somewhere the way we buried pets as a child, so the worms can eat me and birds can eat the worms and I can be part of a bird :)

 

I have a feeling that is not legal for some reason, though.

 

Someday it might be legal to be composted and spread around in city parks:  http://www.seattlemag.com/article/urban-death-project-should-we-compost-human-remains

 

 

(When I saw the article, I was in the eye dr.'s waiting room.  I almost needed smelling salts!   Unfortunately, a few months later I picked up the same magazine in another dr.'s waiting room, not realizing that it was the same one that had disturbed me so much!)

Edited May 28, 2016 by Laurie

[Pippen]

I buried my uncle last summer. It was an expensive part of the country, and it cost about $4000 for cremation and mailing him via Express Mail to the VA for burial (yes, really). There were no services other than the VA one, no obituaries, and just the basic legal container involved. 

 

And yes, I really shopped around. If we hadn't been able to get a VA burial, it would have been quite a bit more. I don't live there, so I had to do everything by phone.

 

It really is sad how expensive they are. You'd be surprised how many people get their loved one transferred, and then start looking at the costs and balk. The sweet man who handled my mother's arrangements said they averaged 1-2 a month where the person was transferred, the relatives made plans, and then no one came forward to pay. By law they had to keep contacting the family for a certain period, and then the person would be buried by the county and the funeral home would get a minimal amount.

 

My father passed away in Colorado about five years ago. Direct cremation, shipping expenses to the VA cemetery, funeral cards, and extra death certificates cost about $1650. We made calls to several funeral homes to compare costs, and the one we settled on was the least, but not the most highly recommended. We felt they did a really good job for us, and respected our--and my dad's--wishes to keep things simple. 

 

We handled obituaries, plus everything for the memorial service at the church ourselves. When all was said and done, the cost was probably about $2200-2300, including some photo display supplies, light refreshments, and a donation to the church.

[shawthorne44]

I'd like to be cremated.   Or enclaved (same result).   Because a)   I am cheap   b)  I really like nice wood and it upsets to have what could be made into nice furniture buried.   c)   I want to be buried under the house, putting a whole body would be just wrong.  I really don't like the outdoors.  Yeah, sun and wind won't be a problem to me anymore, but I am such a home-body.   

 

What I do want is a wake, with flowing Single Malt, Champagne and dark beer.   Maybe some food.  I'd like to attend if I know it is coming.  

[Joker]

We paid right around $20K for a funeral (caskets, burial, etc.) and tombstone for my dad and brother. The money came out of an insurance settlement (car accident-other driver at fault) so it's honestly never been something we thought about. 

[Guest]

I think in our state embalming is a law. It's one reason I want to be cremated. The embalming thing really grosses me out.

I will check on that. Thx.

 

Update: checked. Nope.

 

http://www.us-funerals.com/funeral-articles/funerals-and-cremations-in-california.html#.V0lBkPRHanM

 

Practicing Orthodox Jews, Orthodox Christians and I believe Muslims do not allow either cremation or embalming as it is considered desecration of the body.

 

Funeral directors propogate the legally-required myths on services they make money on.

 

And I agree on the grossing out part. It is a toxic procedure and there is no need of any kind for it in this modern day. We have refrigeration now.

[G5052]

Sheningans all over the place! YUP!

 

As for the cost, part of the issue we have here is that cremation is not popular so there are very few funeral homes that are licensed to do it, thus not competition which drives the price up.

 

Yes, most of  my uncle's burial $$$ was the cremation. No surprise. The rest was transport, storage, and some other small fees. We got death certificates directly from the state. You don't have to order them from the funeral home.

 

When I was calling around, I found out that a chain had absorbed the majority of the funeral homes in that metropolitan area. They all cremate at the same facility. Not in that chain? They went out of business or don't cremate.

[DawnM]

My parents funerals are all planed out and pre-paid and honestly, I think their choices are ridiculous, but it is their choice and they paid for them.  But my mom wants me to attend THREE funerals for her.  One on the West Coast, one on the East Coast and one in the middle of the country.  They live out West, are from out East, and are going to be buried in the middle of the country, where they were given funeral plots.  

 

It would be far easier to just buy new burial plots where they are and be done with it.  I will NOT be visiting graves in IOWA.  We know no-one there.  

 

They have pre-paid the local funeral home to do the embalming, prep, and arrangement of shipping.  They have pre-paid the funeral home in Iowa to collect the remains, ship them to their funeral home, and do the burial.  

 

I know this is terrible, but I pray my mother dies first, because I know my father will not insist I do all of that.  If my dad dies first......oh Lord help us all.  My mother will want me to fly to the W. Coast, have a funeral, fly WITH her to the East Coast for a service here, and then fly WITH her to Iowa to see the grave, and then fly WITH her to take her home.    

 

Although my mother's health is such that I don't think they can travel, but she will at least want me to do it and report back.

 

UGH!

 

Personally, I think I can do the service on the East Coast and be done with it.  

[catz]

My dad had a similar cremation arrangement. My mom used a cookie jar instead of an urn and spread his ashes. She did have a nice luncheon at their favorite golf course but they cut her an amazing deal on that. Church service was simple with visitation before hand.

 

The thing that was hard is he died at his winter home and the service was at his summer home so mom had transport costs.

[TammyS]

I think in our state embalming is a law. It's one reason I want to be cremated. The embalming thing really grosses me out.

 

I don't think there is any state in which embalming is required, as long as the body stays within the state and burial is within a certain number of days (usually 3).  You should, of course, check your state law, but it's not hard to find.

[TammyS]

I don't believe it helps to demonize funeral homes.  They are providing a service dealing with the thing that most people don't want to deal with.  Yes, the costs are large, but so is their overhead, and they need to make a profit if they are to stay in business.  And like any business, it's not their job to educate the consumer to get the best deal.

 

Don't want to pay for high funeral expenses?  Go to funerals.org and start learning about what you can do for yourself.  It is entirely possible to prepare the body yourself, transport the body yourself, build a casket yourself, etc. 

[BigMamaBird]

My grandma and my mom both donated their bodies to be used as cadavers for medical students.  My father has done the same.  There is a small fee associated with this (a few hundred dollars at the time).  When my mom passed away, the medical school sent a respectable looking man in a suit with a van to remove her body.  When the school was finished with it, they cremated her remains and sent them to the cemetary of our choosing.  We buried the box with her ashes in the family plot.  

 

A friend whose husband is a doctor said that before they began the cadaver dissection, they had a moment of silence for the families of the loved ones who had donated their bodies.  I was very touched by this.

 

My cousin worked at her school's cadaver lab for a semester.  There was a code of conduct that she had to sign and adhere to that was extremely strict.  During the student labs there were also behavioral expectations.  And the person's face was covered at all times out of respect.

[shawthorne44]

I remember reading a book on Western rituals with a chapter on funerals.  It was making comparisons to weddings.  I remember it sighted a study that the the closest person to the dead usually rates the funeral director as providing a lot of comfort.  

[Guest]

I don't believe it helps to demonize funeral homes.  They are providing a service dealing with the thing that most people don't want to deal with.  Yes, the costs are large, but so is their overhead, and they need to make a profit if they are to stay in business.  And like any business, it's not their job to educate the consumer to get the best deal.

 

Don't want to pay for high funeral expenses?  Go to funerals.org and start learning about what you can do for yourself.  It is entirely possible to prepare the body yourself, transport the body yourself, build a casket yourself, etc. 

 

I agree.  There are corrupt ones, but by and large, the ones I have dealt with, four somewhat personally in the last year (:::sad face:::) have been super helpful.  The local guy, I'm getting to know pretty well (alas) and he has helped in so many ways, andis respectful of Orthodox Christian practices (which is also helpful because now that we work with him a lot we don't have to keep 'splainin' things).  He was sick of the industry as it had become (which FaithManor describes above) and so struck out on his own so he could act according to his conscience, and guess what:  he's doing well.  Good for him.  

 

His company even provided a lot of help to us in a recent death where he would not make a cent (everything was taken care of out of state)...he helped with advice and website posting of the obituary and so on.  

[Bluegoat]

I will probably do a green type funeral if possible - the thing is there is only one cemetary here that does them, and I don't know that I want to go there.  But we'll see.  I don't really want to be cremated - it's not historically been normative for my religion, and I think for good reasons, and also I don't find the process any nicer than embalming.  Rotting in the dirt sounds good to me so long as I'm not living in some place with significant land issues.

 

If I am still in the same church parish they'll have a service that is open to anyone and they always have a reception after in the hall.

 

I don't know about the viewing idea - I kind of don't care, OTOH, I know some people find it really helpful for feelings of closure and I think those social rituals are very important.  I would kind of like an old-fashioned wake in the house, which is legal although people think it isn't, but I don't know if anyone would be willing - maybe I should start indoctrinating my kids.. 

[Dmmetler]

Having just attended a funeral, I've decided I don't care what happens to my body-but I want my personality present. It was so cookie cutter, by the book, and generic that there was nothing of the person there.

[BarbecueMom]

I don't care what happens to my body. I'd prefer no service, but that's not going to be up to me. Whatever's affordable I guess.

 

But I have warned everyone that if I end up on one of those mobile memorials (the "In Memory Of..." window clings) on a rear windshield, I will personally haunt that car's owner from the great beyond. And since I don't believe in souls or ghosts or whatnot, I'll arrange to hire special effects people out of their future inheritance to make that happen.

[shawthorne44]

Having just attended a funeral, I've decided I don't care what happens to my body-but I want my personality present. It was so cookie cutter, by the book, and generic that there was nothing of the person there.

 

That is so true, and sad.   I attended the funeral of a friend of DH's.  I'd never met the person and was there to support DH.  I expected to learn a bit about the guy.  Maybe a funny story and a heart-warming story.   There were four eulogies, and they barely mentioned his name.  The dead guy was a preacher, and he had a lot of preacher friends.  Each eulogy was a variation, " XYZ loved God and would want me to ...   (start of a sermon).   

 

Contrast that with another funeral where I didn't know the person.  They read aloud one of his third grade essays, which related to his chosen career.  It was a hoot (I would need to be detailed to explain, but take my word for it).   He was a quirky guy and the funeral program had "Life of Brian" as a heading.  He apparently would have found that a hoot.  

 

I think that is why I want a wake not a funeral.  A wake fits my personality.  You can't have quality alcohol at a funeral, or if you do, no one appreciates it.  

[Catherine]

I haven't read all of the responses, but I have a couple of recent experiences to compare:

 

1. My FIL: died in a hospital and cremated.  Several weeks later, family from across the USA gathered in his home town to have a memorial, which was basically a picnic\party, no formal or planned structure.  We ate, talked about him, shared memories, people individually got up to share their thoughts. Later that day, his 2 remaining children and their families took his ashes to the Gulf of Mexico and scattered them.  It was a beautiful day and we all have wonderful memories of it.  

 

2. My aunt's mother, 101 years old, died and went with the local funeral home.  The director did not know her or the family.  His "eulogy" was so meaningless and generic, plus contained wrong information that he must have gotten mixed up about.   I was furious.  This was a woman who lived for a century, had 2 great great grandchildren, lost a son in a war, had a very active, interesting and vigorous life.  Plus this "service" cost  a small fortune compared to what we did for my FIL, and was far less intimate and warm.  

 

In doing some googling I ran across this article about the trend away from funeral homes:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/25/home-funerals-death-mortician_n_2534934.html

[madteaparty]

Haven't read the thread but there was a recent New Yorker article about alternative arrangements.

In many countries it's all done at home. I am really not into the chemicals and embalming and ask DH to wrap me in a biodegradable shrowd and bury me in a shallow grave in our woods but that might be illegal? There are alternative burial (environmentally friendly, and also helps preserve the land because presumably one won't want to build condos over mom's bones I think..). At least I've heard of them for NY state.

We were hiking recently and came across two children's graves. They were very old though.

Edited May 29, 2016 by madteaparty

[DawnM]

Haven't read the thread but there was a recent New Yorker article about alternative arrangements.

In many countries it's all done at home. I am really not into the chemicals and embalming and ask DH to wrap me in a biodegradable shrowd and bury me in a shallow grave in our woods but that might be illegal? There are alternative burial (environmentally friendly, and also helps preserve the land because presumably one won't want to build condos over mom's bones I think..). At least I've heard of them for NY state.

We were hiking recently and came across two children's graves. They were very old though.

 

 

Wait, what?  Graves out on a hiking trail?  How were they odd?  

[DawnM]

Ok, now you all have me looking up legalities of burying a person on your property.

 

Apparently it is legal many places.

And there is a person called  DEATH MIDWIFE to help you.  Wow, who knew?

 

http://www.evrmemories.com/bury-loved-one-at-home-s/215.htm

[DawnM]

I have some acquaintances from our church who just purchased 20 acres of land.  The land belonged to some prominent folks from over 100 years ago.  The property has a small cemetery on it.  About 20 graves of family from over 100 years ago.

 

The owners sold the land and told the buyers that one stipulation they had was that the grave sites would remain in tact and not dug up.

 

The whole thing was odd to me, but they really wanted the land.

[madteaparty]

Wait, what? Graves out on a hiking trail? How were they odd?

Yes, just by the side of the trail. I think it was state lands. Definitely not federal. They were old and stuff growing around so it did not seem odd...

[G5052]

 

My aunt's mother, 101 years old, died and went with the local funeral home.  The director did not know her or the family.  His "eulogy" was so meaningless and generic, plus contained wrong information that he must have gotten mixed up about.   I was furious.  This was a woman who lived for a century, had 2 great great grandchildren, lost a son in a war, had a very active, interesting and vigorous life.  Plus this "service" cost  a small fortune compared to what we did for my FIL, and was far less intimate and warm.  

 

 

The same minister did both of my parents' funerals, two years apart. His remarks sounded like they were read off a form he had filled in, they were so similar. The whole thing was very impersonal, and yes, there were errors despite them going to that church for ten years.

 

I guess that I can't complain because he did my father's under very difficult circumstances with my mother, and he later somehow convinced her to go to assisted living where she ended up in the memory unit. He knew how to handle her.

 

My FIL was a minister, and he always put in a lot of thought on the services he did. Sometimes he was paid $100 for a day's preparation and travel expenses, but he did it anyway.

 

Locally in our circles, they put in a lot more effort, but we go to a lay-led church. Friends and relatives do the service, and then there's a time at the end for personal remarks. I've never been to one here that I haven't found encouraging.

[TammyS]

I have some acquaintances from our church who just purchased 20 acres of land.  The land belonged to some prominent folks from over 100 years ago.  The property has a small cemetery on it.  About 20 graves of family from over 100 years ago.

 

The owners sold the land and told the buyers that one stipulation they had was that the grave sites would remain in tact and not dug up.

 

The whole thing was odd to me, but they really wanted the land.

 

This is very common where I live.  There are probably 6-8 small family cemeteries within 1/4 mile of my house.

 

Edited May 29, 2016 by TammyS

[RoughCollie]

In my area a man I knew was cremated in that was for $700.

 

Yeah, when my mom told me the cost, I said I'd have expected it to be around $600. 

[AmazingGrace]

I will probably do a green type funeral if possible - the thing is there is only one cemetary here that does them, and I don't know that I want to go there.  But we'll see.  I don't really want to be cremated - it's not historically been normative for my religion, and I think for good reasons, and also I don't find the process any nicer than embalming.  Rotting in the dirt sounds good to me so long as I'm not living in some place with significant land issues.

 

If I am still in the same church parish they'll have a service that is open to anyone and they always have a reception after in the hall.

 

I don't know about the viewing idea - I kind of don't care, OTOH, I know some people find it really helpful for feelings of closure and I think those social rituals are very important.  I would kind of like an old-fashioned wake in the house, which is legal although people think it isn't, but I don't know if anyone would be willing - maybe I should start indoctrinating my kids.. 

:iagree:  My grandma died just a few months ago.  Grandpa had a wake at the old home place. It was beautiful and sweet and oh-so-special.   It was so relaxed and comfortable with people coming and going all evening long and lots of impromptu singing, both German (her primary language) and English.  I couldn't have asked for a nicer good-bye.

[FaithManor]

I have to say that in addition to the financial pressures that face us when the time to bury my dad comes, I am absolutely dreading the funeral service. Their pastor is fundentalist so funeral services are actually more like revival services. Sigh.....

[Bluegoat]

Having just attended a funeral, I've decided I don't care what happens to my body-but I want my personality present. It was so cookie cutter, by the book, and generic that there was nothing of the person there.

 

Some funerals are really awful.

 

But I think it can also be more complicated than that.

 

In my religious tradition, and to an extent the one I came from, the funeral itself was essentially a religious service with little variation.  Even hymns were chosen from what was considered appropriate for the meaning of the event in theological terms.  There was no eulogy, and the sermon was not so much about the individual but talked about questions like - what is the meaning of death and what does that mean for you who are still living - it was meant in a real way as way for the congregation and loved ones to think about and process and come to terms with those kinds of questions, and for the community as a whole to see death in larger terms as part of a whole.  (Just like the wedding service is a time for everyone to think about marriage, and the baptismal service is designed for everyone to consider their baptismal vows.)

 

A more personal side of it would have been a wake or event at the home, or at the reception, none of which was properly speaking the funeral.

 

There seems over the last while to have been pressure to bring the personal into the religious services to a much greater degree, for example eulogies have been in many cases moved to the funeral service.  I tend to think this is actually less effective, and can even end up seeming rather trite when it becomes the focus.  Some of the worst funerals I've been to have the trappings of religious funerals but no content, and don't manage to make much of a stab at personal relation to the deceased either.

[TranquilMind]

Ok, now you all have me looking up legalities of burying a person on your property.

 

Apparently it is legal many places.

And there is a person called  DEATH MIDWIFE to help you.  Wow, who knew?

 

http://www.evrmemories.com/bury-loved-one-at-home-s/215.htm

 

This is awesome.  I could totally do this job.

 

But the little problem of property values would be an issue for many.  I could not care less if someone were buried on my property but that would probably be a problem for someone.   If it were me, I'd just lay flowers on the grave now and then. 

 

[TranquilMind]

Haven't read the thread but there was a recent New Yorker article about alternative arrangements.

In many countries it's all done at home. I am really not into the chemicals and embalming and ask DH to wrap me in a biodegradable shrowd and bury me in a shallow grave in our woods but that might be illegal? There are alternative burial (environmentally friendly, and also helps preserve the land because presumably one won't want to build condos over mom's bones I think..). At least I've heard of them for NY state.

We were hiking recently and came across two children's graves. They were very old though.

 

One being buried without a vault would not be legal here. 

 

[gypsymama]

Well I may sound horrible here but ... 

I don't want anyone seeing my dead body. The bodies creep me out and I just don't want anyone to see and remember me that way. I just don't. I'm sorry. 

 

I also don't get the "funeral is for the living, not the dead" line of thinking. I know it's common I just don't agree with it. To me the funeral is the final tribute to this person's life. It should IMO be ALL about the dead. Their preferences, style, personality, all of it. This is the one last chance to make a party for them and respect their wishes. Given this I don't care what others think of our funeral plans. They are for us so others can just respect our wishes or not be involved. Dh, my sister and my bff are all informed on what I would want and know how to be respectful. They are responsible for that. No other family member gets to change this... recommendations can be added for songs, stories, photos, etc but actual details like service speaker, cremation, what happens to the remains, etc are on strict guidelines. Same for dh. I will be planning the entire thing according to his wishes which we have discussed with input only from our children and my sister (who is essentially our "oldest child" living with us nearly the entire time we have been together even now). All other "family and friends" will be invited to a memorial but have no input in the planning. 

 

I know I probably sound weird and mean. I should disclaimer this by saying we have bad family dynamics. As for expenses and pauper's stuff... sometimes that has more to do with family dynamics than actual money. If the deceased was a not-so-nice human that may be the reason the body was abandoned and no one cared.